Original subtitles

message is for you. Also, I've straightened your desk, pulled some

your motor rotor piece, and toasted your bagel.

Extra crispy with a doughy center removed just the way you like it.

Thanks, Merle. Isn't she the best?

You know, personnel really has a knack for matching people up with the right

assistant.

of Manila.

Ah, yeah, the emperor of envelopes, the wizard of white -outs.

Look at this. I have interviews set up non -stop.

Three today, two tomorrow. What a drag.

Yeah, well, that is sort of what we do here at FYI and Govern.

Interviews. Oh, you thought... No, see, I'm not interviewing these people.

They're interviewing me.

The Washington Post, the New Republic.

interview with Vanity Fair. God, how much time can a person spend talking

themselves?

About five minutes now.

Anyway, I'm out of here. I gotta go to this boring luncheon and give some award

to Aretha Franklin.

Like anybody listens to Motown anymore. See ya.

Okay. You wouldn't let me shave her head. You talked me out of selling her

that Kuwaiti prince. But mark my words, something's gonna happen soon and it's

gonna be messy.

So, anything new, unusual, out of the ordinary happening today?

I'm going to kill McGovern.

Good, good. Same here.

Just your average day at the office for the executive producer of two primetime

news shows?

Woke up, ate breakfast, checked the ratings, rapped with the guys at Rolling

Stone?

Rolling Stone.

The magazine.

Arbiter of hip and what's happening.

Yeah, I just got off the phone with him.

Do you have a free Supertramp poster with your subscription or no?

Anyway, to make a long and very fascinating story short, FYI is about to

a whole new demographic on the cover of Rolling Stone.

You don't say.

Oh, this is so exciting. We're going to be just like the women of Melrose Place.

Maybe we can do one of those really cool shots where we all lie upside down and

they take the photo from up above.

Oh, Murphy, that'll be good for your skin. It makes everything go up so flat.

I wasn't 100 % clear here. You see, when people think of FYI, they think of it

as being made up of a lot of different parts. And in this case, they only want

one part. Which part?

The McGovern part. Oh, sure.

Well, but Vicky used my upside -down idea. You know, I have done more than my

share to try and make McGovern feel included. I mean, who showed her where

ladies' room is? Me.

Who taught her how to work the Xerox? Me.

Who showed her which editing bay to hide in when Murphy was in one of her moods?

Me.

The Corky Sherwood welcome wagon is picking up and moving out.

Hey, hey.

Let's not blow this out of proportion.

It's just Rolling Stone. I mean, who reads Rolling Stone anymore?

Square.

It is not just Rolling Stone. While it was a vanity fair, the Washington...

Frank, need I remind you that just last week you were prominently featured in TV

Guide? It was in Cheers and Jeers, Mike.

I was a jeer.

Yeah. And he wasn't even blasted on his own. It was a group cheer. He was lumped

in with Five -ish Finkel and Fred Flintstone for having too many Fs in his

What kind of lame cheer is that?

Oh, no, no.

McGovern is new at FYI. Surely we shouldn't begrudge her her moment in the

After all, when Corky joined the show, she got more publicity than the rest of

us. Yeah, and we hated her for it.

Yes, but we pretended that we liked her, and eventually we didn't.

Look, I want you all to know that I am listening to you.

I hear you.

I'm glad you're... Oh, Miles, would you quit the corporate psycho babble you

learned at that network retreat? The point is, McGovern is not pulling her

weight around here. She spends more time on publicity shoots than she does on

her work. She's missed two story meetings. And yesterday, she drank out

mug. Maybe she didn't know it was yours.

It's got a big stork on it and says, Mommy, I have to do 39 gut -wrenching,

painful hours of labor to earn this mug. And until I see her sweating and

cursing and munching ice chips with her... I don't want you touching my mom

anymore. I hear you. I'm glad you're expressing your... All right, I'll take

care of it. But maybe, just maybe, you could try a little harder, too. Let's

face it, Murphy, you have been scheming to get her fired ever since she got you

kicked out of the White House. Oh, please, where would you get a ridiculous

like that? Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's the piles of McGovern hate mail that all seem to be coming from

zip code.

And am I crazy, or did McGovern's letter of resignation have from the desk of

Murphy Brown scribbled out on the top?

I'm a celebrity, Miles. You'll never get a jury to convict me.

Look, in spite of what you may feel about McGovern, she is good for the

For the first time ever, we have an 18 to 34 demographic in our welcoming

as a new sponsor.

Now, if you don't mind, I better go buy a pair of jeans for the photo shoot.

McGovern can't get her own jeans?

Not for her, for me.

Richard Belzer heckled me from the stage when I wore Dockers to the MTV Awards.

Not gonna happen again.

For every parent who's... And we're clear!

Okay, people, we're going to ask you to clear the set quickly. We've got a

Rolling Stone photo crew here to do a cover shot of McGovern. Why are they

that here?

They want to capture McGovern in her typical environment, doing what she does

best. Then why don't we just get a shot of her sucking down a Diet Coke and

tooting her own horn?

I am under a lot of pressure. pressure here, okay? This is a big coup for FYI.

have a photo crew here awaiting my instructions.

McGovern needs me to guide her through this, and I accidentally got the slim

instead of the relaxed fit, so I don't want any creep from you.

Don't worry, Gap Boy, we're out of here.

Corky? Corky?

I'm sure you don't want to stick around. Maybe we could hang out a little.

Sorry, Miles. I told Miller I'd meet him after the show.

Besides, I have better things to do than sit around and watch McGovern do some

stupid photo shoot.

Which, by the way, is headed for disaster.

Does that lip gloss she's wearing?

Way too shiny.

Hey, everything is under control.

You're not nervous, are you? Because there's no reason to be nervous. No

at all. Miles, I interviewed Tupac Shakur alone in his hotel room. Why

this make me nervous?

Are you wearing this? I'm not sure you should be wearing this. Is she wearing

this? Miles, the knee jump of the next wave of apparently exclusive footage of

Chechnya got taped over with Pablo's murder from The Bold and the Beautiful.

Damn it!

That's the second time this week. I gotta get up. You leave me here. Miles,

please. This is not a big deal. I've done a million... of these. It's a piece

cake. Okay, I'll be back in a flash. The lip gloss I could live with, but I'd

still lose the shirt. Remember to smile.

John, can you come with me to the bathroom? Why? I need someone to help me

these jeans.

Anybody see McGovern? I just happen to have an advanced copy of her Rolling

Stone hot off the press.

Could somebody nudge me when that sentence hits a piece of information

might interest me?

I was waiting until she was here before I opened it, but maybe I'll just go

ahead. No, I'll wait.

What? I don't know when she's coming back.

Maybe I'll just go ahead.

Crying out loud.

There.

Oh, my God.

Why, she's... She's... She's naked.

I was right. Lip gloss is way too shiny.

Where's her top?

She had a top.

Now there's no top.

Only skin.

Lots and lots of skin.

Thank God the barcode's in the right place or they'd be displaying this in a

plastic wrapper next to big and bouncy.

I told her to lose the shirt, but I didn't think she'd actually lose the

Dear Lord, is that my chair she's straddling? You see that? She's

chair. I have to sit in that chair.

What's that cut on her? My clipboard.

We worked hard to build the reputation of FYI and this...

Crazed teenybopper stomps into those steel -toed boots of hers and drapes

over my chair. I have to sit in that chair.

Why would McGovern do something like this? Doesn't she know this is exactly

kind of thing that will get you in trouble with the network?

Wow. And today isn't even my birthday.

You know, when you've been to Miss America, this kind of thing happens all

time. Take Miss Pantsy, for example.

Photographer talked her into dropping her sash down just a little bit more.

Now she dances in a booth and takes on her paycheck in quarters.

Hey, did you see the magazine?

Pretty cool, huh? And there's no touching up there? That is really me.

that's just what Miss Kansas said.

Hey, did you see the one inside with me licking the teleprompter? What page?

I just hope you realize what you've done. This is big.

Really big.

Not... this because i barely even glanced i i like saw your face and then

looked away miles breathe i covered up all the important parts this is not a

deal not a big deal not

There's anything I can do. Maybe they can stop the presses or airbrush a parka

on you.

Did you learn nothing from the Diane Sawyer scandal?

And all she did was bite some pearls on the cover of Vanity Fair. She didn't

come close to doing that on my chair.

I have to sit in that chair.

Look, just because we're news people, why do we have to be these perfect

talking heads with no sexual identity?

This is just my way of... saying the journalists are made of flesh and blood.

Certainly flesh.

McGovern made the choice to pose the way she wanted to for the photograph. As

far as I'm concerned, if that's the journalistic image she wants to project,

it's her right to do so and let the chips fall where they may.

Wow. How open and supportive of you. What's up?

Hey, I am nothing if not fair.

In fact, if you want, I'll even go up and put in a good word with the network.

Ah, you're okay.

Thanks. Well, I gotta go see if I can get a copy and send it to my grandma.

Slugger, you're positively shameless.

What? I said I'd put in a good word with the network.

I didn't say good for whom.

Now I have removed all the shows that don't appeal to a young audience.

And the ones that star dried -out has -beens from the 70s. And

the ones that prove you, in fact, can go...

underestimating the intelligence of the American public.

Now, look at our schedule.

Count the red ones, two. We got two shows that are cooking.

Stan? Murphy, come on in. I was just consulting with my Ivy League educated

advisors on the golden dawn of the network's new two -show era.

I was glad to see you, Murphy. You're my top priority.

Sit, sit, sit. Oh, thanks, Stan.

Hold it, hold it. Harvey, what did you do? Ordered the class in manners? Get

lady a chair.

Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

Thank you.

Okay.

That's all taken care of, sir.

Don't suck up to me. I hate sucking up.

Okay. Okay, sir.

You stand too close to me. Harvey Gale, why don't you take your friends and go

over there and sit on the couch. Blend in and don't distract me.

All right, Murphy, you got my undivided attention.

Well, Stan, you know I'm not one to be a squeaky wheel, but we have a huge

problem at FYI.

Is Fontana abusing the e -mail system again? I told him it's not a dating

service. Well, actually, yes, but that's not why I'm here.

It's about McGovern.

Have you seen this?

Oh, my God.

That set still has a window.

Did you happen to notice anything in front of the window?

Anything naked?

Ah, oh, a little McGovern.

Attention, halls of Ivy.

Look at this and decide how you think I'm going to respond.

Now, Stan, I... I know how difficult it is for someone with McGovern's

unconventional background to adjust to a show like FYI. I said, look, you're

ogling. There's no ogling.

What do you think, you're in your dorm room someplace?

They're like children.

Go on.

But given the fact that she has tarnished the anchor desk, coupled with

inability to fit in, plus a particularly disturbing occurrence involving my

mommy mug.

I just don't know what to do. I mean, I am stumped.

You want me to let her go?

That's good for me.

I think letting her go is an excellent idea, sir.

Where do you know? You're just my idiot son -in -law.

No, I'm not, sir.

One of you is.

I know who you are. You're Penn.

Penn is the one who told me to pass on home improvement.

No wonder they wouldn't let you into Harvard or Yale.

A tide of young people. That's it.

Lady Godiva is history.

Well, Stan, if you think that's best.

I really wish there were some other way to resolve this situation.

Maybe if we just think hard, we can find it.

Well, okay, Stan, see you.

It's a statement saying we, the network, disapprove of McGovern's amoral

behavior. And I'll call the sponsors who've been threatening to pull out and

tell them they win.

Sponsors?

Yeah, I'm getting a lot of flack lately, you know, about television's lack of

morality.

NYPD Blue shows one naked tushy and we all suck.

I'm not used to caving in to these people. But with your blessing, I can

I'm appalled at this naked journalist.

And what the hell, we throw him a bone.

I was just wondering. Well, bye.

Now, which one of you button -down brains came up with a show called

Nursing Home?

I said young people. I don't want people in walkers running around.

I just wanted to clear something up.

You're firing McGovern because of the reasons I gave. The tarnished anchor

not fitting in mommy mug reasons, right?

Sure, she tarnished your mug. She's out. Whatever.

Okay, I was just checking. Bye.

And which one pitched me a show called The World's Oldest Freshman starring

Albertson? He's dead. You can't have a series starring a dead man because you

can't get stories.

The dead man goes on jury duty. The dead man goes to the fat follow. The dead

man goes on a camping trip. The dead man has to survive first. It don't work.

to fire someone because of pressure from special interest groups who are just

trying to impose their own views upon others. Is there a fire out there? Why

hell can't she get out?

What?

Because, Stan, what McGovern did was not immoral per se.

It just wasn't sound journalistic judgment. Wait, wait, wait. Let me give

tip, Murphy. You see, when you ask a favor and you get it, the negotiation

stops.

You get in, you get what you want, you get out. Why are you still in?

Um, Stan, as much as it pains me to say this, really, really, really pains me.

I don't think McGovern should be fired.

You're an enigma. You're a paradox, Murphy.

You're confusing me.

Look. She may have shown poor judgment, but last time I checked, she still had

the right to do what she did. I mean, I myself have done things which have upset

people, things you probably don't remember.

Your drunken exhibition at the 1980 Republican Convention?

Sure, that was one.

Your slap fight in the Rose Garden with Barbara Bush?

Okay, there's another.

Getting pregnant? was not one of... This is not about me. This is about

McGovern.

I guess it wouldn't be fair to fire her without giving her a second chance.

Fine.

McGovern stays.

Happy?

Delighted.

I can't wait to go down and give her the good news.

Goodbye, Murphy.

Nobody get in her way!

But, silly gentleman, now she's got me in the mood to fire somebody, and I

fire my own son -in -law. Now, which one of you is my son -in -law?

Well, look who's back.

Lansing's secretary talked to my secretary, and I want you to know I

you did was really rotten.

You know, I wish you had sold me to that Kuwaiti prince. I would have had a much

better time being chased around a tent rather than waiting around here for the

axe to fall.

Look, I know how hard... This must be for you, McGovern. But keep your shirt

You've still got your job.

Then you didn't go in there to get me fired?

Oh, no, I did.

But when push came to shove, I had to do something I almost never do.

Put aside my own personal desires and support your right to do what you did.

Fortunately, I made myself get out of there before I got you a raise and a

better parking space.

Oh, yeah, now I'm supposed to thank you, huh?

You're so lame.

Everyone is freaking out, and all I did was show a little skin.

A little skin?

You were naked on Jim's chair.

He has to sit in that chair.

I said, you should have known better.

Thanks, Mom.

It's all about shock with you, isn't it, McGovern?

Hey, it gets people's attention.

Yeah, but you know, once you've finished shocking the world, it's nice to have a

little something to back it up. I mean, look at Madonna.

All shock, and where has it gotten her?

She's like a zillionaire and gets to sleep with any basketball player she

there could be a new way of doing things.

Did you ever think that maybe you've gotten a little stale?

I don't know. Maybe if you were my age, you would understand.

I got a bulletin for you, McGovern.

Being in your 20s is not a major achievement.

Oh, yeah, there are some good things about it. I could hold my liquor and run

two flights of stairs without getting winded. But on the other hand, I never

a decent orgasm.

I saved this for your retrospective at the Museum of Broadcasting.

In my 40s, I won seven Humboldts, interviewed every president, had a

hence the mommy mug, and let me tell you, every single time.

Everyone thinks being younger is better, but it isn't. Experience is worth a

little something, too. I've read your bio, Murphy. I know how much you've

I know how much you've all done. I get reminded of it every time I walk off

elevator or I sit in a story meeting or I walk onto the stage.

The great, mighty bastion of FYI. It's like this huge deal that's been going on

forever and somebody new can only screw it up.

Well, what do you know?

You're scared.

God.

For somebody who is supposed to be a genius... isn't interviewing people. You

are way off here.

I don't think so.

Yeah.

Okay.

Maybe I am a little.

Maybe that's why I took off my clothes.

Because if I created a stir, maybe nobody will notice that half the time I

know what the hell I'm doing.

Or maybe the lights were just hot.

I'm going to tell you a little secret, McGovern.

I get those flashes of panic, too.

But they come a lot less frequently than they used to.

And when they do, I just take it out on the people around me.

Thank you, Murphy.

Good. You know, I hope you appreciate this, because colleges pay me big bucks

say the stuff I'm giving you for free.

Yeah. I know. You spoke to my graduating class three years ago at Harvard.

I've heard most of it before.

Yeah, all except the part about the... You know.

Every time...