Original subtitles

Mama told me that I'd better be metal She said

future slugger, when I'm driving the carpool and we get pulled over by the

police, I would appreciate it if you let me talk to the officer.

Fine, fine. This is what I get for trying to help. Murphy, you pushed your

up like this and snorted like a pig.

Did you see the way he yanked Jim out of the car? I've never heard anybody

actually say kiss the hood and spread them before.

I sure picked the wrong day to skip breakfast. Ah, thank God for donuts.

Look at this.

Somebody took a bite out of this one.

Ew.

I drove all the way here just so I could take a bite out of every donut, then

drove all the way home and waited for carpool so no one would be the wiser.

Well, whoever did it must have been really hungry. It looked like they

right through the box.

Well, you're right.

You don't suppose it could be a mouse, do you?

You, man, honestly. Where I grew up, there were lots of mice. Believe you me,

there's no way that was a mouse.

It's probably a rat.

So what's a rat? What's the big deal? So what? So what?

Rats are filthy and disgusting, and they carry disease.

And they can grow quite large.

The cousin of a friend of a friend of Doris's was vacationing in Mexico and

found this adorable little stray dog on the street. Well, they brought it home,

took it to a vet, and would you believe it turned out to be a long -haired

Mexican rat?

Oh, come on, Jim. That's just an old urban legend.

Oh, really?

Well, tell that to Doris's friend's friend's cousin.

Oh, it's just a stupid rat. I think we can take care of it. All I need is a

couple of traps, a little dab of peanut butter, and whack, no more rats.

Now, don't we have a story meeting to get started? Come on. Okay.

First off, I want to remind everyone that McGovern is in Cleveland for the

few weeks doing a feature on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

And you should also know I've had our office sealed so we won't have a repeat

that unpleasant squid incident.

Now, in a lighter...

The renovation is nearly complete on the old ground floor studio downstairs.

We should be able to move into our new FYI set with its window on America for

next week's show as scheduled.

Hey, now come on. We discussed this. The network feels that the window, the

window on America, will open things up. You know, show we're in touch with the

people on the street.

Miles, this is Washington, D .C. The only people we're going to see on the

street are deposed Democrats squeegeeing windshields for spare change.

Ah, delightful.

Tell me, what lovely vision will we be treated to first? A drunken college

freshman pressing his naked buttocks against the glass?

Or perhaps a visiting diplomat being viciously mugged by some local street

I'm betting on the buttocks.

Not to worry. The network has spent $20 million renovating, of course. No

expense has been spared, including 8 -inch thick reinforced glass.

It's shatterproof, bulletproof, and yes, buttock -proof.

is I found a great source for my story on Medicare fraud, and by the time I get

finished blowing the lid off this thing, nobody's going to be worrying about

pets or buttocks or stupid windows. Window on America.

Hey, that slogan was shown to 15 focus groups and came in right above have no

opinion, so you learn to love it.

All right, people, listen up.

I just came from a meeting with the brass upstairs, and they've asked if we

could tighten our belts a bit.

Now, now, now, now.

It's just until we can make up for some teensy little cost overruns with the new

set. Teensy? How teensy?

A few thousand or a million dollars.

They won't be sure until the project accountant gets back from his trial in

Orange County.

Listen, the point is, the network is still very excited about our window. Our

window on America.

And they feel that Murphy's Medicare fraud story is just the piece to kick

the new set on tomorrow's show. I don't believe this. There goes my Medicare

fraud story.

Oh? Yeah, I've got no source. I left his phone number on my desk, and then look

at this. Half the numbers have been chewed through.

Hey, I'll bet it was that rat.

And here I was trying to match the tooth pattern to Leslie Stahl's over by G,

Frank, you think?

Get that number or we're dead.

Hey, tell it to the little rat. This was my only copy. Oh, sure, he could have

chowed down on some nice tasty area code, but no, we had to eat the last

digits. There's got to be 10 ,000 numbers this could be. It could take

Hey, Mark, I've got a little job for you.

I don't get it, Murphy.

I thought this was just a stupid rat.

What about the trap?

And the peanut butter. And the thwack.

That works for an ordinary rat, but this is no ordinary rat. No, sir.

He's a crafty rat. Yes, he is. But he's about to go from being crafty to being

dead. I called building maintenance, and they're sending their best man up to

take care of him. A man who will ensure that that rat will... We're still

talking about the rat!

We can't talk about...

that thinking?

I'd be hitting, but I don't see thinking.

Ah,

that would be me. I tried catching him myself, but he ate all of the peanut

butter off the traps without springing them. Pretty sneaky, huh? Oh, you tried

catching him yourself, did you?

That's asking for disaster, lady.

No, Mr. Dan Rather tried to catch a mouse by himself, too.

Six weeks of painful rabies injections in the belly. Convince him otherwise.

That is really very interesting, but we have a lot of work to do here.

Oh, yeah, you go right ahead.

I'll take care of your rat.

Or Rattus Novigicus, as we maintenance engineers like to call him.

Okay, what stories haven't we done recently?

Maybe there's something in the area of military cutbacks.

Oh, I'll be glued to my set for that one.

What about religion?

Maybe something around school prayer.

Now why lay me down to snooze?

Listen, do you think maybe you could... Holy moly! I think I found them all

alone. Look at this bag marked Murphy Brown's Emergency Supplies.

Look. What do you got? Husky Boys, Ring Dongs, Ding Wings.

This is your problem. It's a regular rat 7 -Eleven in here.

Hey, I can stop any time I want to.

As I was saying, something in the area of religion might be a good place to

start. There's the pub squirrel, too. What about something with that? Good,

good. But those interviews are always hard to set up at the last moment.

Is there anything we could find? Hello.

Better take a look at this, my friends.

Let me guess. You found Murphy's Secret's batch of cheese doodles. No,

Have a look.

Where? I don't see anything.

Right down there. Look closer.

I still don't see anything. What am I looking at? Rat turds. Oh.

something, too.

Oh, you guys got yourself one healthy rat here.

I'll tell you, if I had this rat's regularity, I'd be a happy man, yes?

Uh -oh.

You're gonna want to take a look at this. I doubt it.

I'm not talking rat turds.

Those tiny little footprints in the sweet and low.

This rat has got six toes.

See, that's why I use the blue stuff.

Yeah, that's Bob, all right.

I beg your pardon?

Bob.

Well, you see, a long time ago, must be 30 years by now, I was looking for

another rat in this very building, a rat that we called Bob on account of... Who

the hell remembers?

Anyway, Bob was a shrewd one. We threw everything at him.

Gas, traps, sticky paper. How about a little thick of dynamite dressed up as a

female rat?

I told you, we tried everything.

And one day I was eating my lunch, looked up, and there was Bob doing his

business right in the middle of my supervisor's desk.

What did you do?

Oh, I let him finish. I hate my supervisor.

But then I picked up my thermos, took careful aim, and chucked it right at

But unfortunately, due to a bum shoulder I received...

courtesy of Mr. Ho Chi Minh and his gun -toting cronies.

I missed.

Missed by a mile.

It's the last shot I ever had at old Bob.

You know the weird thing about him?

He had six toes.

Whoa. Are you saying that this is the same rat?

This rat is Bob?

You didn't know your rat's from your hiney, do you, city boy?

Now, you see, your average domestic brown rodent only lives about a year.

What you have here is probably one of Bob's great -great -grandkids.

If that's the case, voy a con Dios, my friends.

You're not even going to try to catch him? I don't believe this.

Well, I'm not giving up. There's got to be something I can do.

Well, why not?

You know, in my lifetime, I've seen men tap dancing on the moon.

Seen the New York Mets win the World Series.

Maybe you will catch old Bob.

And maybe I'll get a hot oil rubdown from supermodel Christy Brinkley.

Well, what do you think?

Pretty great, huh?

Oh, yeah. This is really... You spent how much on this?

It's just like the old set, but with a big old stupid window.

You think I don't know that?

The worst part about looking out on our window on America, America is out there

looking back.

See those people behind me?

They've been staring at me like that for the last half hour. Oh, come on,

Michael. Don't you think you're just being a little paranoid here?

No, really.

Watch this.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

I can't hear you, Miles. The glass is soundproof, remember?

This old set brings back memories.

Why, it was right here, three decades ago, that I was scheduled to interview a

young man with a guitar who had an undeniable singing ability.

A young man whose talent was destined to change the course of American music.

How did that classic of his go again?

Hello, Mother.

Camp Granada. Let me get that song out of my head.

He's driving me nuts. I got to work this morning and found he'd eaten through

half my Rolodex. I don't know what to do. I tried setting bigger traps.

I tried spraying the donuts.

You sprayed the donuts?

I thought they ticked it a little first. Geez, Murph, why didn't you tell

anybody? Oh, sorry.

Hey, everybody, I sprayed poison on the donuts.

Okay, Murphy, Father Kylie's here. Are you ready to do your interview? Yes,

Miles. I even had research prepare some notes for me. They're right here.

Oh, God.

What am I going to do now? Fifteen seconds to air, people. You're just

have to wing it. Go.

Okay, people. Our window is open for business, so put on some smiles and

your flies.

Sorry, Padre.

In five, four, three, two... Good evening and welcome

to FYI.

For your information, we come to you tonight from FYI's new home, Historic

Studio 6A.

Many of this network's broadcasting giants have reported to you from this

location. But what makes this studio really unique is its window.

A window we hope will allow us to listen more closely to the heartbeat of the

nation. A window we call the window on America.

Let's take a look, shall we?

I believe what the nation is saying at this moment is, hi, mom.

To kick off this historic show, Frank Fontana visits a high -tech prison.

Corky Sherwood uncovers mixed feelings towards John Travolta from his fellow

sweathawks. Murphy Brown interviews best -selling author and theologian, Father

Elwood Kiley. Murphy?

Thank you, Jim. Father Kiley, welcome.

Obviously, I've read your book, but for those who haven't had the pleasure,

could you tell us how you happened to write a book of moral tales called The

Book of Moral Tales?

Well, Murphy...

These are difficult times we're living in. And frankly, I think people are lost

and they're looking for answers.

And that's why I put together this book.

You see, I wanted people to link us to the ethical world of moral truths like

honesty and compassion that are right there in front of them. And you see,

Uh -huh. Honesty and compassion.

Please continue, Father.

Anyway, I realized that people needed to communicate those virtues to their

children, and so I put together the book.

Murphy.

Well, yes, and a big book it is, too, and heavy.

Father, you know what? I bet our viewers would love it if you would read one of

those tales for them. Would you do that?

I'd be delighted.

Now, let me see.

Well.

Ah, this is one of my favorites.

It's called... Androcles and the Lion.

Once upon a... Damn.

Damn, that's wonderful stuff.

Thank you.

Once upon a time, there was a poor slave named Androcles.

And on his way through the forest, Androcles met up with a lion.

The lion had a thorn in his fall.

What the hell is she doing?

The two became great friends.

And later, when the slave again found himself opposite the lion, the animal

spared his life.

And the moral of the story is, kindness and compassion do not go unrewarded.

I've

got another

story, Father.

you see that did you see that i caught him i really caught him did you see that

we saw it so did all of america what'd you do with a murph do nothing yet i

thought you guys might want to see him first well i thought of the old tried

true method a sock a brick and then a quick drive out to the potomac but i

figured old bob here deserves better anybody know the hungry boa constrictor

That was quite a performance by our little huntress. Thank you, Miles. Want

see? I already saw.

The whole of America saw. The phones are ringing off the hook. Our viewers are

very concerned about what's going to happen to Bob.

Well, it's easy. I'm going to whack him. Oh, no, you're not. This is turning

into a public relations nightmare, which is why the network is insisting we be

able to show that we've treated Bob ethically and humanely. Oh, all right.

can I whack him? No.

I have arranged for you to show a happy, healthy Bob on next week's show, at

which time you will thoughtfully turn him over to the leader of an animal

group. Is that clear?

Except for one thing. When do I get to whack him?

No!

No whacking! In fact, until next week, we've got to treat Bob here like a king.

Come on, Bob.

I don't believe this.

I mean, I'm all for animal rights, but this is a rat we're talking about.

I mean, you guys want him whacked as much as I do, right?

I guess. Oh, so what?

What? What happened to disease and long -haired Mexican dogs and Earth's

boyfriend's face?

Well, that was before we, uh... You know, before we knew the little guy's

Am I the only sane person here?

This isn't a cute little baby seal. This isn't... A fuzzy little panda bear?

It's a rat. It's a vile, disgusting rat, and let's face it, there's a reason the

World Wildlife Federation doesn't use this as its symbol.

Phil, you know what I'm talking about, right? You hate rats as much as I do.

Rats? Are you kidding?

I can't stand them.

Let me tell you, running this restaurant, I've had to kill hundreds.

Maybe... Sorry,

kid.

I know what you're talking about.

It's a pretty ugly crowd out there, Miles, and it's getting bigger.

I think the big rat guy started breeding.

Not to worry, John. I think they'll change their tune when they see how fat

happy Bob is. I've had him with me all week, keeping his cage clean, feeding

the finest cheeses, brie, gorgonzola, camembert. He really likes the

Isn't that right, Bob?

Come and get it.

Bob.

Bob.

Bob isn't moving, John. Why isn't Bob moving?

Maybe he's sleeping. I read somewhere that rats spend a lot of time sleeping.

But not usually with their feet up in the air.

Don't go!

Bob's dead!

I should have gone with the no -fat y 'all bird! What do I do now? Start the

show! Places, people!

Oh, God!

So, we are alive, most of us.

In four,

three, two... Good evening, and welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight, we begin with a follow -up to last week's show.

Many of you have expressed concern for the well -being of Bob, the rodent who

was humanely captured during that telecast.

Here to follow up is our own Murphy Brown. Murphy?

Thank you, Jim. And thank you for all your many calls and letters. I just want

to give you my personal guarantee that no harm has come to Bob whatsoever.

In fact, we at FYI have managed to provide Bob with a happy new home by

him over to the Animal Rights Federation.

Here representing the Federation is Dr. Richard Weiler.

Apparently we don't have a lot of time, so let's just get right to it, shall we?

Well, thank you, Herpy.

And on behalf of animal lovers everywhere, I want to thank you and FYI

kind, humane gesture.

I can assure you that I'll see to it that Bob gets the kind of care and

nurturing he deserves.

You know, Doctor.

Rats are such fascinating creatures. Why don't you tell our viewers a little

something more about them first?

Like, what do they eat? How long do they live? I hear they can die just like

that.

That depends, of course, on a number of factors. The species of rat, the

environment, the rat's diet.

Why? Why?

There are so many possibilities.

I'd be happy to answer your question in greater detail, but...

Might be easier if I had a visual aid.

You know, I have a pretty active imagination. And there's that guy there

big rat suit. Can we get a close -up on him, please?

Actually, I'd prefer to see the real rat.

Now.

Is that really necessary, Doctor?

Yes, it is.

Oh, my God.

This rat is dead.

Well, I'm not surprised by the way you were grabbing him.

You call yourself an animal lover.

This is outrageous.

It's murder is what it is. It's murder pure and simple. You should be ashamed

yourselves harming an animal like this.

A poor, defenseless... Ow!

He bit me!

Go to commercial. Go to commercial.

In spite of everything that happened, the window on America's set didn't work

out too badly.

Turns out most of our viewers were so busy watching the idiots on the outside

the glass, they hardly even noticed the ones on the inside.

Well, you'll all be glad to know I finally cornered Bob down in the editing

and, well, I took care of him.

Oh, Murphy.

You whacked him, didn't you? Relax, I did the right thing. I released him back

into his natural habitat.

The House will be in order.