Original subtitles

And we begin.

Okay, first things first.

I've just learned that our last show in March will be preempted for a network

driving special called Stop in the Name of Safety.

Oh, there's worthwhile viewing. A whole hour devoted to what?

Warning people to slow down in icy weather?

Yeah, like a really good driver needs to slow down in icy weather anyway.

This special deals with the issue of inconsiderate driving. Just last week,

woman up ahead of me was ignoring a no left turn sign.

I gingerly tapped my horn, and bingo, up goes her middle finger in that

universal gesture of contempt.

Hey, Jim, I wouldn't exactly call a five -minute honk a tact.

Like a really good driver needs to bother with no left turn signs anyway.

Miles, do they have a host yet? No. They wanted Letterman, but apparently his

driver's license is suspended through May.

Hey! Well, what about me?

I'd be perfect for it. I have high TVQ, great credibility, and I'm the only one

I know who supplements her blinkers with hand signals just to be extra safe.

Corky, let me guess. After the prom when your friends were climbing out of their

taffeta in the backseat of their boyfriend's car, you volunteered to

folding chairs and take down the streamers. Am I right?

Maybe.

Well, I for one think you would make a great host, Corky. People love to watch

you, and unlike Murphy, you haven't been virtually uninsurable since 1971.

Like qualifying for insurance is a sign of a good driver anyway.

And if it didn't mean you're having to go upstairs to talk to Tony Lucchese, I

would say go for it. So I talked to Lucchese, so what?

So the last time I spoke with the man, he threw his Filofax at me.

Fortunately, the leather was supple as butter.

Practically caressed my cheek as it bounced off my lips.

Lucchese chose Sarah Purcell over Corky for that anti -alcohol special, Liver

Let Live. So I say he owes her this one.

Yeah.

Besides, I know exactly how to approach him. I'll just use a little southern

charm and he'll be eating right out of the palm of my hand.

Oh, and wait till he finds out I know the speed limit for every driving

situation.

So do I.

Drive as fast as I can without hitting the person in front of me.

Hey, Frank, I'm running out of wall faith. Which of these photos would you

up? I know it's the Pope, but my hair's all pulled back.

Hey, Corky, you were up there a long time. Did you get it? Oh, she must have.

If Lucchese's assistant Hans doesn't kick you down the stairwell in the first

five minutes, you're in like Flynn.

Well, it went okay. It went okay?

Yeah, I mean, he told me he wanted to talk over the final details tomorrow

breakfast. Well, that's great, so you got it.

Hey, Corky, that's terrific. You'll do a great job.

And listen, if you can work it into the show, would you tell people that if they

see a blonde in a white Porsche to treat it like an ambulance, just pull over

and get the hell out of here.

I'm having a breakfast meeting with Tony Lucchese.

Don't you think that's weird? No.

A breakfast meeting just the two of us? You don't think that's weird? Not

really.

A breakfast meeting just the two of us in his bed with me wearing his pajama

top?

Now that is weird. What the hell went on up there?

Well... He told me he liked my idea and that I should come up to his office

later for drinks and we could sort of discuss everything.

And then he said we should, uh, sleep on it together and, uh, tie up any loose

ends over breakfast.

All the time.

He said that stuff? Are you sure you didn't misunderstand him?

Well, it's possible. I was a little distracted at the time. Distracted by

By his hand on my rear end.

What are you doing? Looking for my brass knuckles.

There aren't other things that'll work in a pinch.

A roll of quarters in a sock, for example.

Oh, I don't think that's the best idea, Murphy.

You're right.

I've got a pair of jumper cables in my car. We'll put them to a power source,

hit the switch, and he'll feel pain that'll make childbirth seem like a

champagne brunch.

what I want to do about this right now. Corky, this is the time when you should

be deciding between slow and painful and quick and painful. The words whether

and should I don't really come into play here. In all fairness to him, I did go

up to his office and I used my southern charm.

I even did the hair thing.

The hair thing?

All right. Whenever a woman flips her hair like that, it means please feel

to grab my ass.

This is not your fault, Corky. Come on, let's go see personnel. No!

Murphy, I know exactly what will happen if I file a complaint.

I'll tell my side of the story, he'll tell his.

They'll ask if I have any witnesses, I'll say no.

And then I'll end up moving to some small town in the Midwest and living

an assumed name because my reputation has been ruined by months of vicious

office gossip.

I've seen too many TV movies with Joanna Kearns not to know how these things

turn out.

So you're just going to let him get away with this and do nothing?

No, I'm not going to do nothing.

I'm going to go home, call my mama.

Make a nice cup of tea and forget this whole thing ever happened.

interrupting anything.

Well, actually, good.

Boy, sure is dark in here.

What am I, about to have a romantic liaison?

This is an office, for God's sakes.

Yeah, that's a lot better.

So, I have an appointment at 7 o 'clock, so what can I do you for, Murphy? Oh,

an appointment at 7 o 'clock, you say?

Must be somebody pretty important. You're really pulling out all the stops.

Soft music, drinks. What, all this?

Well, this is all just for me.

Oh. Oh, I thought you said you had an appointment.

Yes, I do.

An appointment with myself.

To relax.

I schedule one every day. Just ask Hans.

By the way, where is Hans? He's usually right outside.

Oh, well, if you've got an appointment with yourself, I guess I really better

go. Yes, you should. But next time, call ahead and we'll gab into the night like

a couple of silly old girlfriends.

Oh.

Say, that is one nice tie.

Oh, you like it? It's hand -painted. But if you could be a little more careful,

because once you get finger oils on a hand -painted... Little slug, I know

you're thinking.

You're lucky it wasn't me, because otherwise you'd be sipping that wine

a slow drip right now.

There's some miscommunication here. Oh, Hans.

Forget Hans.

Hans can't help you now. Let me explain something to you.

Corky hasn't filed a complaint against you yet. In the meantime, my knee is

poised inches from a sensitive spot.

And if you don't swear not to hit on Corky or anyone else in the company

you'll be coughing up things you ate as a child.

Do we understand each other?

Mm -hmm.

You know, I can't even find the words to describe how you make me feel.

Oh, by the way, maybe you better look for a new loyal assistant.

Hans sold you out for 20 bucks and a half eating Butterfinger.

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, and you must be... Joanne, your new secretary, and I

think... I think you're going to be very happy with me.

I type 80 words a minute, I know shorthand, and I'm told I have an

phone manner.

Well, great.

Welcome. Actually, before we start, I'd like to be upfront about my flaws, so

that later on there won't be any surprises.

Okay.

First off, when I work through lunch, I tend to get a little irritable.

Who doesn't? And every now and then... then something will disappear from the

office, and yes, every now and then, I will be the one responsible.

Occasionally, I'll vanish for days at a time, and no one will know where I am,

not even me.

And once in a while, I'll climb up on my desk and blame the government for my

personal problems in a loud, piercing shriek.

I've had worse.

Looks like things weren't nearly as bad as you thought they were going to be.

What are you talking about?

That's jobs.

Hey, well, Corky, that's great.

Yeah. I ran into Tony Lucchese this morning.

He yelled the good news to me from across the lobby. Then he practically

over the pastry wagon in what I can only assume was an effort to respect my

personal space.

Good. So, you see, I didn't cause a big commotion. I handled it my way, and

everything took care of itself.

Oh, I wouldn't exactly say that.

That's what's me.

Nothing. It's just that last night I had a little chat with Casey.

Murphy, how could you? You knew I wanted to handle this my own way. How? By

doing nothing? Corky, you're my friend. I couldn't let him get away with that.

Let who get away with what?

Nothing, Frank, okay? Nothing.

Oh, sure, I get it. Leave Frank out.

Same as always. Just like the time you guys all decided to wear jeans to work

and forgot to tell me.

It was just a coincidence.

Oh, sure, you stick to that story.

Just forget it, Frank.

It's just something with Tony Lucchese.

Oh, Lucchese. Hey, listen, don't feel bad, Courtney, because I'll tell you,

whatever he did to you, I can guarantee he's done to me a hundred... only worse.

Really? Did he ever grab your behind and ask you to sleep with him?

Not exactly.

Where'd he go?

Jim. Did you know that Tony Lucchese made a pass at Corky? What?

You told me. I figured everyone else knew.

Dear Lord.

I always knew the man was a scoundrel.

Anyone who makes cellular phone calls from a stall in the men's room is

of anything.

Corky, are you okay? Is there anything we can do?

Yes, you can forget all about it. Wouldn't have gone this far if he hadn't

her pointy little nose into it. Hey, I was just trying to help. Anyway,

everything worked out. You got the job. Lucchese's off your back. And none of

this is going to go beyond that. What is going on with this sexual harassment

thing? What?

How does Miles know? How could I not know? The whole building's talking about

it. There are lawyers involved.

Oh, my God.

Why didn't you just whisper it to Connie Chung?

What's wrong? What's Courtney talking about?

Lucchese. What are you talking about?

The same.

Lucchese in the sexual harassment suit he filed against Murphy.

What?

Maybe we're not talking about the same thing.

And now... Sexual harassment.

Me? I can't believe this garbage. It's so obviously a smokescreen. He's just

trying to divert attention from himself.

Jerk.

Maybe he isn't aware that... Corky and I have a very special on -again, off

-again, friendship -ish, flirtation, dating -like thing going on.

Maybe it's time someone straightened him out.

You know, I try to handle this in a civilized manner by choking him, and he

brings in lawyers.

I should have killed him while I had the chance. This is what I get for being

too damn nice.

I don't care if they take away my executive parking space or my smiles for

column in the monthly newsletter.

Tony Lucchese is a dead man.

You can't actually kill a guy.

No, but he can kick around his lifeless body after I'm through with him.

You know what?

I am going up there right now.

And don't you try and stop me.

Well, I got here kind of quickly.

That looks a little crowded. You guys go on ahead.

We can make room.

No, no. Come on, come on.

Catch

the

next one.

Don't try and stop me.

You know what really burns me? That a man can accuse a woman of sexual

harassment and anybody believes him for a minute. Listen, Murph, obviously

McKay's making this whole thing up. But, you know, women do sexually harass men.

Let me guess, Frank. You saw Disclosure, didn't you?

Listen, it was an interesting movie that reflects something that does go on in

our society.

Oh, right. Women who look like Demi Moore are always going around forcing

middle -aged men to have sex with them.

Look, whenever someone in a position of power makes a co -worker feel

uncomfortable through conduct of a sexual nature, that's harassment.

And how is it you know so much on the subject, Frank?

Because... I was harassed once.

Listen, last year, Carol, in the video library, she asked me to help her pick

some of those, you know, those heavy master tapes. And when I bent over to

one up, she... Well, you know.

No, Frank, we don't know.

She was... Well, she was staring at my... You know, my butt.

And you felt your job might be on the line if you told her to stop staring?

No, actually, I was kind of flattered by it.

Well, Snugger, for what it's worth, I say nobody's going to believe those

ridiculous charges.

Well, unfortunately, it all comes down to Murphy's word against McKay's.

Yeah, but the difference is I've got the proof on my side, and I can prove it.

Let me take one of those lie detector tests.

You want to take a polygraph?

Yeah, I'm sure the network would love it. They practically beg me to take one

every time I turn in an expense report.

Ready to go.

So you're not going to switch my brain with the flies or anything, are you?

Oh, no, this machine can't do that.

Okay, just ask me about Lucadia so we can get this over with.

Actually, we need to ask you a few questions first to establish a baseline.

Is your name Murphy Brown?

Yes. Do you work at FYI?

Yes. May I?

Was it or was it not you who switched my chart at the company physical so I

ended up with that barium enema that was meant for Charlie Kuralt?

Just answer the question.

No, no, it wasn't.

She's lying. I knew it.

I knew it. I wasn't the only one who suffered, you know. Kuralt was treated

a stomach ulcer he didn't even have.

As attorney for the network, perhaps it would be best for me to ask the

questions. Okay.

But Thib's on her after you.

Now, Miss Pratt, I'm sure this won't take very long. I'm just going to ask

few questions based on Mr. Lacasey's complaint, which you must answer with

or no. It's all very simple. Do you understand?

Yes. She's telling the truth.

Well, you are.

Did you meet Mr.

Lacasey in his office last night? Yes.

And once in his office, did you at any time touch Mr.

Lacasey? No. Fine.

So, did you touch him?

Okay, I touched him, but not... So, did you also grab him and pull him towards

you? Whoa, hold on a second. Please, answer yes or no. No. Fine.

Okay, I grabbed him, but not in the way you're making it sound. Now, Mr.

Lacasey claims you offered to touch a very sensitive part of his body.

Is that true?

Hold on, you are taking this completely out of context. Then you didn't say to

Mr. Lacasey, I don't have the words to describe how you make me feel.

No. She's lying.

Listen, pal, one more word out of you and you're going to be giving your next

polygraph to St.

Peter.

Oh, God, she's telling the truth.

only interest in Tony Lucchese is seeing his puny head on a big stick. There was

nothing sexual about our encounter, and I am not now, nor have I ever been,

guilty of sexual harassment.

See? She's telling the truth. Thank you. Now that I've proven my innocence, if

you'll excuse me, I've got a big dick to sharpen. I'm sorry, but based on

previous responses, I need to ask you a few more questions.

What? Well, we need to determine whether this was an isolated incident or part

of a larger pattern of sexually intimidating behavior.

Now, have you ever made advances towards co -workers in the past?

No, and what does that have to do with anything? I can assure you that Murphy

has never made advances toward any co -workers. What about Peter Hunt?

Oh, well, fine, Peter Hunt, but that was a mutual... And Jerry Gold.

Okay, Jerry Gold. Mitchell Baldwin. Oh, please, we didn't even kiss.

Oh, that's right, we did, but it wasn't that great.

Have you ever made condescending references to your colleague's private

No.

Hey, I believe you.

Have you ever touched a co -worker in a compromising fashion?

Look, if you're implying I'm guilty of harassment because I dated a few co

-workers or made some raunchy jokes in the office, then fine. Guilty as

That's not even in the same universe as that sleazy past bouquet he made at

Corky. And if you don't see the difference, then I'll prove it in court.

Whoa, I never had a polygraph like this before.

And I did Paula Jones and Clarence Thomas.

Hey, uh, which way to Murphy's office?

Never mind, tough guy.

What are you staring at?

Do I amuse you?

Am I a clown here for your amusement?

Maybe too juggler, perhaps.

possibly a comical dancing acrobat.

Hey, look, Angie, what did you slither down here for? To sue me for your

receding hairline?

Hey,

pencil neck, curtains closed, shows over, nose back to the grindstone.

Oh, I hear you pulled a Pinocchio on the polygraph.

Three seconds to state why you're here, otherwise leash laws will be enforced.

Leash laws, leash laws.

Oh, now you want to tie me up. Well, this sexual harassment never ends.

I'll tell you what.

I'm in a generous mood today.

I'll consider dropping my lawsuit if you can get Corky to forget the little

misunderstanding that took place between us.

Perky?

What's he doing here?

Corky, we were just talking about you. You look lovely today.

Lest there be any confusion, I meant that in the most benign way possible.

Truth is, you look a little pasty.

Tony was just saying that he would drop the charges against me if I could

persuade you to not file a complaint against him.

Oh. Well, too bad. I already filed one. What? Yes, Murphy.

I thought about what you said and decided it was the right thing to do.

besides, after the way you went up there for me and all the trouble you've

gotten into...

Hey. You're my friend.

Oh, Murphy.

I know.

And that's why I wanted to do whatever I could to help you. Well, boo -hoo -hoo,

and me without my hanky.

Revised plan.

She has a claim against me, I have a claim against you.

What do you say everybody drops everything and we all walk away happy?

Don't do it, Corky. Don't give in to him. Did I mention that we've been

about making some changes on the evening news? I mean, Dan, Connie, two

brunettes. Something's missing.

Something... Blonde.

Evening news?

I would love to be on the evening news.

I'd also love to be Queen of England, but not if it means dropping suit.

All right.

I understand.

I guess that leaves us with just one option.

You have to reconsider, if not for my sake, then for my family.

What's what I did so bad?

Okay, sure, it was bad, but bad enough to ruin my career over.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you slap me?

Slap me silly.

Go ahead. I want you to, right here.

I don't want to slap you. I'll slap her. You've got to believe me. This is the

one and only time I've ever done this. One time. One lousy time.

Really? When I talked with personnel, they said it was the fifth complaint

they'd received about you.

Five times. Five lousy times. Five times. I will regret it till the day I

Come on. Have some pity.

My 11 -year -old son has an astigmatism in his right eye.

Isn't that treatable? Yes, but the glasses are very thick and he gets a lot

teeth. I'm not going to give you the chance to do this to anybody else.

Now, get out.

My brother sells appliances. Anything you want in the store, 10%. No, 15 %

Get out of here.

You like shoes?

Hey, there.

Well, I guess you got what you wanted. They kicked me out of here.

Of course, my new job at DNR Records practically doubles my salary.

Not to mention the free concert tickets and the hot new secretary.

I'm happy for you, Tony. I really am.

Things got a little out of hand between us, and I'd like to start over.

Yeah? Yeah. And now that you're no longer working here, I guess anything

happens between us wouldn't really be considered sexual harassment.

Oh, yeah?

What have you got in mind?