Original subtitles

Hey, Merrick, thanks again. I tell you, I don't know what I would have done if

you hadn't picked me up with my mechanics this morning. Yeah.

Gene, what would you have done? I mean, I guess you could have taken the bus,

which gets off right in front of the garage, or maybe hopped on the metro,

stops a couple blocks away.

I don't know, jumped in one of the 30 ,000 feet that go by that place every

minutes.

Could have just said no.

Well, I thought it was implied by the way I was banging the receiver against

nightstand.

Okay, okay.

Nobody panic. We'll all get through this. What happened, Miles? Forget to

Melrose's place again?

Mr. Lansing is in the hospital. He had a heart attack on the way into work this

morning. Oh, my God. Is he okay? All I know is it's touch and go. So we better

get over to Sisters of Mercy as soon as possible. Okay, just let me get my

stuff. Yeah, I'll go and get... I did it.

What are you talking about?

I did it.

I gave Mr. Lansing a heart attack.

Oh, come on. The guy doesn't do any exercise. He eats cheese out of a squirt

bottle. I am telling you, I did it. He was screaming at me over his car phone

when I heard him yell, it's not my time, and then silence.

Oh, God, if he dies, I'm dead.

Miles, no one's dying. Stan will pull through.

But what if he doesn't? If he doesn't, then we'll all be sad. But someone new

will come in. Someone will see things through a fresh eye.

Someone will see that...

But I haven't won a Humboldt in four years, and I'm 13 pounds heavier than

we started this job. Oh, God, if he dies, I'm dead.

Dr.

Curtis.

Sorry,

my fault.

Call me crazy, but if I were lying on a gurney in the middle of a hallway, I'd

sure as hell check to make sure my wheels were locked.

Hey, guys, guys, wait for me.

Miles, where have you been? You said you were just going to the men's room. Oh,

I was just... What's that?

What? Oh, nothing.

Frank, he got Stan a box of chocolates. Get it from him.

Mine. I bought it and I need it more than you.

This is great.

We have no gift. We can't go in there empty -handed.

You know what?

We're not going in empty -handed. Oh, sure, maybe we're not sucking up to Stan

by forking out some stupid last -minute gift.

But what we're bringing is the greatest gift of all.

The gift of love.

I'm sure that's what really matters to Stan.

Excuse me, do you know which room Mr. Lansing is in? I've got flowers here

Mike Wallace.

Oh, I'll take care of those for you.

Okay, I'm covered.

Dan, it's Murphy.

I brought you some flowers.

Mike Wallace was going to pitch in for them, but you know old Mike, he's pretty

tight with a buck.

I came too, Mr. Lansing.

Miles Stoverberg.

We brought you some chocolate.

Chocolate?

Uh -huh. Yes, sir. And these are Belgian. I picked them out myself

know how much you like them. You brought chocolates?

That's right. Did you know they hand -dip each and every one of these? You

brought chocolates to a man who just had a heart attack? What, are you trying to

kill me? Get rid of those things.

He brings chocolate, and is he crazy? What did you throw them away for, bud?

None of them are perfectly good chocolates.

can reach them right over there.

Stan, I'm not up on the latest research, but I've got to believe that sitting up

and screaming till your veins throb can't be a good thing for a heart

Relax, Murphy. I'm not having a heart attack.

What? This is an elaborate ruse.

Truth is, I came in here to have a little nip and tuck done on my eyes.

you think?

It looks great, sir. Quite an improvement.

I haven't done yet, you idiot!

Pass me a chocolate. See if you can find the nougat. Nougat. Nougat.

I had no choice, Murphy. You know, those cutthroats at the other networks.

They catch wind that I'm here for elective surgery and boom, suddenly home

improvement is double pumped against us all over the schedule.

There is an unwritten law that says you don't count the program against a man

who could croak at any moment.

Why do you have to touch every chocolate?

I'm sorry, sir. It's just they all look alike. It's very hard to tell. It's a

shot. It's a shot.

Everything okay in here?

Yes. Okay, well, you just yell if you need anything.

where your hands once were. Don't touch anything.

Where was I? Uh, let's see. You were yelling at Frank, and then you were

at Miles, and then you were yelling at Frank again. Oh, yeah, you were saying

how glad you were we came.

Exactly.

I'm glad you came, because aside from lying here motionless while a parade of

visiting CBS celebrities came through here sucking up to me, I've had nothing

do but watch television.

And that led me to a great epiphany.

You know what epiphany means, Poindexter?

Uh, yes, sir. It's a moment of enlightenment.

No! It's a moment of enlightenment.

Where you see everything with laser -like clarity.

You want to know what my epiphany was?

Everything on TV, it's all crap.

Stan, I told you the same thing a few months ago and you almost had me fired.

What can I say, Murphy?

You're like the Oracle at Delphi.

Well, I find your honesty refreshing, Mr. Lansing. It takes an awfully big man

to admit what you just admitted.

I had to admit it. Why was I thinking when I put on those shows, Bones, McGee,

.D., and Swinging Seniors, and That's My Grandpa?

I've got to admit, those were some pretty dumb shows.

I'll say the dumbest. I love those shows!

But nobody who still has their prostate does.

That's why we have to get the young viewers, kids.

So, starting today, I'm giving every one of my shows a choice. Either bring in a

young, fresh face or a dog.

You know, like that dog on Fraser. That's a cute dog on Fraser. He jumps

straight up in the air, whoop, like that.

Mr. Lansing.

As executive producer of FYI, I have to ask you to reconsider this move.

I mean, given your current condition, is this really the best time to be making

such a major policy decision?

You know, I hadn't taken into consideration that I am in the process

undergoing a very invasive surgical procedure.

Thank you, sir.

But I created the whole 63 -64 season while hooked up to an iron lung. What

you, suddenly my medical advisor?

Shut up!

See, he made me crazy. So because he made me crazy, you don't get a choice.

pick it for you.

McGovern. Who?

Former MTV VJ and news personality McGovern is joining you at

FYI. An MTV VJ? You know what, Stan? I think we'd rather have that jumping dog.

I want this McGovern girl, and I want you all to woo her. And I will consider

a personal failure if we don't manage to secure her.

A personal failure, sir? You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Your personal

failure, Silverberg, not mine!

What kind of monsters are you people?

Stan, would you like me to get them out of your room? Yes, please, Jane. Can I

get you to see how this move would be going? You know what, Seymour? If you

want to practice medicine again... Let's see, where did we leave off?

I believe it was Chapter 3 of Treasure Island.

Ah.

About noon, I stopped at the captain's door with some cooling drinks and

medicines.

He was lying very much as we had left him.

Only a little higher.

And he seemed both weak and excited.

Nothing beats the classics.

Where is Murphy?

She knew I wanted to talk strategy before McGovern got here. Relax, Miles.

She'll be here.

Although if the woman did find a legitimate way to get out of this, my

off. Find the whole affair demeaning and insulting.

I'm with Jim. You know, every year the network takes something that's not

and tries to fix it. First they stick us with that idiot Miller Redfield. Then

they shove that moron Jerry Gold at us. Oh, and then it was Peter Hunt's turn.

Peter Hunt.

Talk about the exact wrong chemistry for this show. Frank, our ratings went up

five points every time Peter appeared.

Well, sure, if you're going to use ratings as your standard.

The network had to turn away advertisers during the weeks he was on. Well, yeah,

if you're only thinking about advertising, just lay off, okay?

I was not thrilled by this at first either, but I did a little research,

well, I think we may be judging McGovern too soon. No,

hear me out. She's extremely articulate, she's a tenacious interviewer, and did

you know she's MTV's third most popular personality behind Skis and Mojo

Abramson?

Here, listen. If people can't say anything nice, for God's sake, just sit

and smile, please.

Hey, Miles.

I think this young woman wants to see you. Well, you must be McGovern.

Love in the fields.

Nice place.

Well, thanks. Hopefully you'll be seeing a whole lot more of it because fields

is the official watering hole. I was being ironic. This place is a pit.

Hey, listen.

If you think I wouldn't throw you out of here just because you're a woman, you

should go have a chat with Bella Absinthe.

All she did was look at me funny.

Nice guy.

That was me being ironic again?

Well,

this just isn't going to work out, is it?

Why? Did he make a face at you, Frank? I swear to God.

He didn't have to.

None of you had to. You people don't want me here.

And why should you?

Well, maybe it's because my audience spends $1 .5 billion on hair care

every year.

While your audience, unfortunately, can't shampoo without a nurse's aid.

Well, she does have a point. Our audience is old, but feisty.

Yeah, I don't even think it matters. My negotiations with the network have sort

of deteriorated. Really?

Oh, that's... Too bad.

I say no. I do not want to do the show. They throw money at me. I say no again.

They throw even more money at me.

But I'm sure it's nothing they haven't put you guys through.

Oh, yeah.

Let's just forget about all this right now. What can we tell you about our

You can pretty much start about anywhere. I don't think I've ever

through an entire F .I .Y.

It's F .Y .I.

Huh? It's F .Y .I. F .I .Y. would spell for information your.

And that would be wrong.

FYI, what's the difference?

I'll tell you the difference.

18 years of blood, sweat, and tears building FYI into a household name.

the difference.

Oh, sure, we don't have go -go dancers and psychedelic lighting, yet somehow we

managed to put on a damn fine show.

Ah, so I've been told.

What I don't get is how I would fit in. Frank, can you help me out with that?

Why should I do this?

To tell you the truth, I... We're on every week.

Yes, that's right, Frank. Yes, we're on every week. And every week, we win our

time slot. Yes, sirree, this is one heck of a popular show.

Well, then tell me something. If this show's so popular, why is the network so

desperate to get me?

You know, we can't figure that one out either. So why don't you just take your

big slurp and... And come on aboard.

Because who's to say the best damn magazine show on television doesn't have

to get just a little bit better?

All right. I have to admit, I did see one show last year, pretty much blue,

except for this one segment Murphy did on the elections in South Africa.

It was amazing.

That was the kind of journalism I would kill to do.

Hi. Murphy Brown, it's a pleasure. Hey, McGovern. Oh, Murphy.

McGovern was just telling us how much he loved your segment on South Africa.

Yeah, how the rest of the show blew.

And how it built in the pit.

Bet you got the name of the show wrong.

So,

you liked my segment, huh?

It was a perfect example of what you said a couple years ago. The true goal

any journalist should be to inform the uninformed.

Harper's, April 92.

You know, you guys ought to take a look at that. I've got some copies in my

office.

So, you read it, did you?

Please, your article is the reason I'm doing what I'm doing. When I got out of

Harvard... Harvard, you say.

Yeah, anyway, I asked myself, what is the best way to reach people my age? I

thought... Sure, I could stand in front of the gap with a bullhorn, but that

seemed messy and time -consuming. So MTV was the next logical choice. You know,

Murphy has said that MTV is exactly where she would go if she were starting

today. She never said that. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. I remember.

Anyway, it's like I was telling Barbara Walters this morning. Barbara Walters?

Yeah. She and Hugh Downs are trying to woo me over to 2020.

Ugh, Hugh Downs. For some reason, he thought I'd be interested in hearing

some boring bridge club he belongs to.

My wife and I belong to that boring bridge club.

In fact, we started that boring bridge club.

Well, then you better talk to Hugh, because he's out there taking all the

credit.

Let me tell you, McGovern, you don't want to go on 2020.

No, you're right. Actually, I'm leaning towards primetime live. Diane Sawyer and

that Donaldson guy were pretty persuasive over dinner last night. Let

you something about old Sam Donaldson. If he sees you've got a free moment, he

forces you to help him write dirty limericks about Ted Koppel. Is that what

want, McGovern?

You know, Murphy, McGovern was just telling us how much money the network is

trying to throw at her. Who knows?

She takes the job. She might be the highest paid person on FYI.

Yeah, yeah, so I'll renegotiate. Why don't you come see that office right

So,

you read the interview, did you? There was a better one in Atlantic Monthly a

couple months later. The picture wasn't great, but the interview was good.

right, you'll see the gash my heel made after I was ejected from President

Reagan's very first Star Wars press conference in May of 1983.

Wow, I love history. Yeah, me too.

My first presidential press conference. Thanks for letting me tag along.

Oh, hey, don't mention it. Now, I have a list of questions here, but I'm not

really sure how this kind of thing works. Is there some sort of order I'm

supposed to be going in? Oh, look, you're part of the FYI team now. Just

and don't let go. And don't let the White House pomp and circumstance throw

These things are all basically the same.

The last press conference I covered, a green -haired guy with six navel rings

and the words, kill your mother, tattooed across his back, said his

three roadies on fire.

Well, that happened here once.

There's a couple seats over there.

What? And sit behind Brit Hume? Wait, the president would never see us. Brit's

got a head the size of a gourd.

How about over there?

You are so young. Trust me, the place you don't want to be is between Cokie

Roberts and an aisle. The woman's got a bladder the size of a thimble.

I think we want to be...

Right there. That's the perfect spot.

I get it. Close enough to the president, but not too far from the exit.

Well, actually, Helen Thomas does the funniest little hissy fit if you take

seat. She just got up to make a phone call. If we hurry, we can knock her

on the floor.

And we will assist the earthquake victims.

Okay, I've got about five minutes. I'll take a few minutes.

Yes. Good afternoon, Mr. President. Can you tell me how you feel about efforts

to repeal the capital gains tax?

Oh, man, what kind of a woman is that? Why don't you just ask him how he feels

about french fries?

I don't know if you're aware of this, but you said that out loud.

Hey, someone lobs a softball question like that. It's our obligation as

responsible journalists to mock and humiliate him in front of his peers.

Mr.

President! Mr. President! Yes? Mr. President! Yes?

How do you feel about the civil war in Chechnya?

Well, duh.

Hey, I'm going on a limb here, but you think he's against it?

You're really getting the hang of this. Next question.

Okay, Murphy.

Yes. Regarding Whitewater, given that there's not a shred of proof any federal

laws were violated, how do you feel about the Republicans' threat to further

investigate the matter?

I think this... Why don't you just ask him if he could be any animal, what

animal would he be?

That's very funny. We've all had a good laugh, but now it's done. So, Mr.

President? I, uh... Really, Murphy?

I mean, how do you feel about Whitewater? No offense, but talk about

softball questions.

Excuse me?

Well, all that will... Putting Murphy's famous liberal bias aside, I think the

question we should be asking is, how do you account for the Whitewater files

that mysteriously disappeared from the Rose Law Firm? I know I still have not

heard a satisfactory answer. Have any of you guys?

First of all, I'm not sure I agree. And second of all, shut up and sit down. No

way, I will not shut up and sit down.

Maybe you should shut up and sit down.

I can't continue with this.

You're all for freedom of speech, unless that speech is, God forbid, the

slightest bit conservative.

What? Your whole ideology is tired, so why don't you pull your bra out of the

fire and step into the 90s, Murph?

presidential press conference.

What was it like?

Ah, you know, you ask a question, you ask another question, you throw a couple

punches, four or five Secret Service men grab you, you bite one of them, they

shove you in a holding cell.

That's that ironic thing again, right?

That was very mature.

I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, I suppose my shoe hurled itself down

the trash chute?

Hey, that wasn't me, that was Step... monopolist and i don't know why you only

threw a chair at him listen you little shrike i don't care what you say you did

or didn't do all i know is it took me two years to claw my way back in the

house and if you think you're not going to pay for getting me kicked out what

kicked out what's this about kicked out that's right miles i got kicked out we

both did and you want to know why i'm not sure do i because right wing rock

roll twit couldn't keep her mouth shut no big deal so we got banned forever

the clinton white house so that's like what two years tops

Listen, we were talking, and we realize we've been a bit unsupportive to you, so

we just wanted to say we're sorry.

Yes, we've acted unprofessionally, and we hope you can forgive us and move past

it. Yeah, and if there's anything we can do to make things easier for you around

here, you just holler, okay?

I don't know how and I don't know when, but I am going to see you fight!

Hello, FYI!

Mr.

Lansing, what are you doing here? Not that you shouldn't be here. You have

right to be here. We love having you here. But what did you hear?

I am very disappointed, Silverberg. It's not my fault, sir. Murphy and McGovern

started a fight. Apparently chairs were thrown. I walk in here and you don't

compliment me on my remarkable surgery.

Oh, oh, your eyes.

I mean, your heart. It looks years younger.

Thank you, Silverberg.

I'm just happy to be alive.

stay here really bit, but I'm not going to give up. I'm going to stay and do the

best damn job this place has ever seen.

That's the spirit.

Nice kid. Is she the one that waters the plants?

Stan, that's McGovern, and I have to tell you that I think she's completely

wrong for the show.

McGovern? Who the hell is McGovern?

FYI's newest anchor. Remember your directive, the one you issued while you

in the hospital? Ah, the directive I issued when I was in the hospital.

That's right, sir.

For a moment there, I thought you...

The directive I issued while I was drugged up on Demerol. How could you

listened to me, Silverbrick? How would you have let me do that?

And get this, Stan. She's a former MTV VJ.

What?

Are you saying that I added that freaky one -name rock chick to my precious

little FYI? That has got to be, without a doubt, the most not bad.

Nah.

That's a good idea I had.

Stan, you don't understand. She's got no background. She doesn't have the

experience. Bop, bop, bop. It's a done deal.

You'll learn to love her. She can be that little sister that you never had.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go rest.

Doctor's orders.

One thing bothers me, Silverberg. If I did this to FYI, what did I do to my

other shows?

A visitor indicating the strike may not only affect the 95 season, but the 96

season as well.

And now with a special commentary, here's new CBS Sports correspondent,