Original subtitles

Guys, guys, I was just watching C -Span and Newt Gingrich gave an entire speech

with a clump of oatmeal on the corner of his mouth.

Either that or his makeup people forgot to wipe off the foam again.

Hey, guys.

What brings our stage manager up to this neck of the woods? Yeah, I didn't think

your headset cord reached me on the stage.

I just want to stop by and tell everybody I've got some sad news.

Jack Saunders passed away yesterday.

Oh, my God.

Jack is a legend around here. He's been with the show since day one.

That is so sad, isn't it, Sam? Jack? Jack who?

Jack Saunders.

From the crew.

Oh, that Jack.

Jack Saunders from the crew. Oh, that's awesome.

Wow. I mean, for him to just go suddenly like that, what a shock.

Actually, they expected him to die years ago.

Exactly.

Expected to die years ago and then gone like that.

And he had so much life left to live.

Well, not really. He was almost 80.

Right.

Well, it just shows you can't take your loved ones for granted.

Anyway, Miles, I have a story that I want you to hear.

When my family suffers a loss, and when you live in gator country, that happens

more often than you think.

We all gather around a room and share our personal memories about the

Helps to get out the grief we're all feeling. Let's do it.

Actually, I kind of prefer to keep my grief bottled up. What I'll always

remember.

About Jack, it was my first night at FYI.

Murphy conveniently borrowed my lucky Montblanc pen.

I was in a panic until Jack was generous enough to give me his naked lady pen

with a disappearing bathing suit.

He loved those pens.

I remember how Jack used to always give me back rubs to loosen me up before the

show. And not the creepy, icky kind full of unspoken requests, but real nice.

Kind of like a grandpa.

You know, last winter, I had tickets to the Kennedy Center Honors, and my car

wouldn't start. So Jack gets into his Chevy and bumps me all the way there.

he waits outside for three and a half hours and bumps me all the way here.

Oh, boy.

One night after a commentary when I inexplicably mispronounced the name

Nudsey, I was feeling rather blue.

Well, Jack, sensing my mood, sat me down.

And we ended up sharing a box of milk duds and talking until the wee hours of

the morning. Oh, gosh,

I remember so many things about Jack. It's hard to pick just one.

But I guess if I had to, it would be the way he always carried

that cable.

My camera?

From the way you're talking, it almost seems like you don't remember Jack at

all. Of course, I remember Jack.

I'd be a pretty terrible person if I didn't remember Jack. Oh, come on,

mean, it's not that big a stretch.

I mean, you've got to admit, you're not exactly buddy -buddy with the crew. Oh,

because I don't go out with them for beers or bake them cookies at Christmas

time? No, because you don't speak to them or address them by name.

I have a fine relationship with the crew.

In the land of opposites, maybe.

You can't be oblivious to your reputation.

Surely you're aware of the proliferation of Murphy Brown jokes they have on the

stage? Of course I'm aware of the jokes. I love the jokes.

Where are they going?

John, you told me the funniest one the other day. Tell that one. Oh, I'd really

rather not.

Oh, it's okay, John. I can laugh at myself. Come on, let's hear it.

How many Murphy Browns does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many? Shut up and just do it.

It's really not that funny.

No, it's not.

My point is, I know the crew.

Each and every one of them. And a guy as kind and caring as...

This guy we've lost? Well, of course I remember him.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to spend some flowers.

Jack. Jack Saunders.

May I have your attention, please?

FYI had suffered a loss.

But as we all know, Jack knew he wouldn't be around forever.

So he wrote down a few words before his death and...

John would like to share them with you now.

John?

Dear people I work with.

Oh, he always calls that.

If you're reading this letter, I guess I'm dead.

I just wanted to thank all of you who've meant so much to me over these past

years.

My fellow crew members, the producers, the anchors, and most importantly, I'd

like to thank the person who meant the most to me here.

And she'll certainly know why.

Murphy Brown.

He signs it.

Love, Jack. And that's it, folks. Let's get ready for showtime.

Oh, Murphy.

I feel so awful. I had no idea you and Jack were so close.

Oh, Murph, all the things we said about you and the crew.

Yes, we were insensitive. This news must have hit you harder than anyone.

You just kept it all bottled in.

You... Great little soldier.

Yeah. All right.

Heads up, everybody.

Come on.

Here we go. In five, four, three, two...

Guys.

Guys, look what I just stumbled across.

Oh, Lester's staff and crew photos.

How can you tell it's last year's? Every year's the same. Yep, Murphy's sitting

front and center with her big old head blocking three people behind her.

Hey, at least she's not making bunny ears behind you like she does me every

year. Seven years, not one photo I can hang on my wall.

You know the funny thing about this photo? I just can't find Jack in it.

Really? He's right there, Murphy, right behind Bill the Boom Guy.

Oh, sure, Bill the Boom Guy.

Bill, Bill, Bill.

Morning, Bill. What's everyone hearing?

Oh, our crew photo.

My, doesn't Jack look debonair?

Doesn't his smile just ride on?

Good Lord, Slugger, you made bunny ears behind Miles again?

In seven years, not one photo I can hang on my wall.

Mrs. Zonder!

What are you doing here? Oh, please, Corky, you know better than that. Call

Louise. We are so sorry about your husband. Jack was a man among men.

If there is anything at all that we can do... Well, actually, I'm here to see

Murphy.

Louise!

again, Louise.

When was the last time you let me bake up the wrap party? That was it. We stood

next to each other in the buffet line, am I right?

We've never met.

That's it. Now I remember. You know, Louise, I wanted to talk to you, too.

don't we go into my office? Oh, all right.

Louise, I'm not sure if you know this, but, um...

Your husband mentioned me in his letter and... Well, of course he did.

Do you know not one day went by that he didn't speak of you?

That's why I thought you should have this.

A Phillips head screwdriver?

This Phillips head screwdriver.

I know it meant something special to the two of you.

Oh, boy, did it ever.

Let me tell you, this screwdriver is just full of meaning.

Well, yes, Jack often said he considered you the daughter we never had.

Sorry for interrupting, but, Louise, I was just wondering if there was going to

be any sort of memorial, because we don't like to pay our respects.

Well, Jack wasn't real big on churches.

I remember he always used to say, Louise, I'm not real big on churches.

We could have a memorial in someone's home, but who has a house big enough to

accommodate all those people whose lives he touched?

Miles, what do you mean you're going to be late? You're in charge of the

napkins. The only ones I have in the house say bon voyage, and while I

appreciate the irony, it's possible other people may find it in bad taste.

There's the deli platter. I gotta go.

Now, find some deepest sympathy napkins and get your butt over here.

Murphy Brown? Hi. Oh, uh, just put it over there between the cheese and the

crackers.

Okay.

Whoa! What is that?

That? That's your beloved departed.

I think there's been some mistake. You see, I wasn't exactly expecting this.

Nobody ever does.

That's the true tragedy of it.

You sure you want him so close to the dip? No, no, no.

That would probably be some sort of health code violation.

I guess, uh... You know, I have a feeling the beloved departed would be

comfortable right here.

You have a nice day now.

Oh, jeez.

You want me to say it?

Fine. I don't have the vaguest idea who you are.

There. Are you happy now?

You know, it's not exactly my fault.

I mean, you were the one who died and then named me as being this kind and

wonderful person, which obviously shows you didn't know me very well.

Can you help me out here?

When did we meet?

When did we talk?

And what is the story behind that stupid screwdriver?

Oh, God.

Who the hell are you?

Murphy!

Are we the first ones here?

Oh, this looks really nice.

Oh, man, I hate funerals. They always remind me of death.

We're just doing a funeral.

all the deceased would be present.

This is such a sweet thing for you to do, Murphy.

Well, it's the least I could do considering how close Jack and I were.

Did you put out a Bible? You know, in case anyone wants to pray?

I don't think I have one.

There may be some religious pamphlets that were left at the door. I'll be

back.

Looks like old Jack's getting one hell of a send -off.

If there were a Jack. Oh, man, we got her.

You filled it with popcorn?

Dear Lord, what if she peeked inside you to blow the whole thing? It was Larry

the Prop Guy's idea. We couldn't resist.

Has anybody else had the thought that this might be a really mean trick to be

playing on Murphy?

Yes, Corky, I have.

But it was shouted down by that other thought that says, ooh, baby, she

this.

She's been asking for this for 18 years. Look, the crew just wanted her to

realize she doesn't know him. Nobody thought it would go this far. Yeah, all

had to do was admit she didn't remember Jack, it would have all been over, but

she is so stumped. She's also blonde, loud, and cranky in the morning. Duh,

Frank.

Jim, I gotta hand it to you. Your take when you looked at the urn was classic.

Really, I thought it was a little big.

You guys, I tell you, she is...

Putty in our hands. I think we should go all the way and tell her that Jack's

last wish was to be buried in her backyard.

Introducing the Hulk. I think it's time to begin.

Places, people.

Sorry, it's a habit.

Oh, Murphy, sit here.

I feel closer to Jack with you near me.

Well, I think we all know why we're here.

To give somebody we work with exactly what they deserve.

I'd like to say a few words about Jack, but there's someone here I feel who can

express what we're all feeling better than anyone.

Murphy?

No, thank you. Oh, please, Murphy.

For me?

Well, gee,

I really wanted Miles to be here.

Boy.

Well.

Well, what can you say about a man like Jack?

A man who touched all our lives.

Yep.

I know this week has been pretty rough on me because, as you know,

Jack touched all our lives.

You said that already, Murphy. I know.

I just don't think it can be said enough because, you know, Jack touched all our

lives. I think everyone here loved Jack's smile.

Why don't you say something about his smile?

Oh, his smile.

Well, what can you say about a smile like that?

It just...

lit up a room even without the teeth yeah

well that's why it lit up a room because it was just so darn goofy murphy

it'd be great if you could talk about that lunch he always ate oh well i i

like i've been hogging the floor and i know a lot of you have memories you'd

like to share so well Actually, I'd love to tell the story of you and Jack and

the Phillips head screwdriver.

Oh, great.

Oh, it is such a terrific story.

You see, Jack and Murphy were... Oh, but I won't do it justice.

You tell me.

Well, it all goes back to a day when Jack was screwing something.

Screwing something in, rather.

And I asked him if I could borrow his screwdriver.

And he said yes.

And so he gave it to me.

And then I took it.

And I'm sorry.

I don't remember the screwdriver.

I don't remember the story.

And the truth is, I don't remember Jack.

Murphy, it's funny you should say that because, well, we all have something to

tell you. No, no, no, just let me finish.

I'm ashamed to say this, but this man who touched all your lives

didn't touch mine at all.

And I really feel a sense of loss because you've painted a picture of a

really wish I'd gotten to know.

But he's gone now, and I blew it.

But the only thing that makes me feel a little better...

is knowing that there was this man who existed, who was simple and

kind and good, and with whom, though I don't remember it, I shared a

moment.

Gee, I thought this part would be a whole lot funnier.

Well, Murphy's speech was very touching.

Don't you think we should all go now?

who moves a foot leaves it here. Now, what the hell is going on?

Silverberg, talk.

Uh, well, uh, I thought they told you, uh, this

whole thing, the, uh, uh, service and the letter and, and everything, um, it

like sort of a, a setup.

Um, I brought napkins.

technically jack isn't exactly dead and who's in the

urn jiffy pop i

ran into 40 chairs for a tub of

wanted to teach you a lesson.

You've never taken the time to know any of them, even though these decent, loyal

people have been working with you for the past 18 years.

And I believe they've proven their point.

Point? I know the crew, and personally, I find it an extremely poor taste to

pretend that a great guy like Jack is dead.

Murph, there is no Jack.

No Jack?

We made him up.

stinks. He was the only member of the crew who liked me.

We had no idea it was going to go this far.

Well, then you really have egg on your faces, don't you? Because you spent all

this time and effort trying to prove a point that didn't need to be proven.

Because I know everybody and frankly... What's my name?

Are we really going to do this?

Okay, you're Joe the video guy.

Close. Steve the cameraman.

Well, you've got to admit, when you're not standing behind a camera, you look a

lot like Joe the video guy.

I'm the video guy.

My name's Tom.

Well, what happened to Joe?

There is no Joe.

Okay, maybe there's a couple of people I don't know. I'm Jeannie. And travel?

We've talked a million times, but you didn't know me.

And the guy who brought you the urn?

That was Dave, the construction foreman. He's done community theater.

I know the construction foreman has a beard, and his name is Dale.

I'm Dale.

But you're Sam.

Are you Sam?

Is there a Sam?

How about Mike?

Where is Mike?

Oh, come on. There's got to be a Mike.

There's always...

Hi, Marge. Jesse, have you got my mic?

Gil, how are those four kids?

Enjoying your golf game, Kenny?

Okay, one more week and I'll have it, I swear.