Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, and you are?

A friend.

A friend who could file these for me?

Of course, I could file these for you, and I could take your messages or get

a cup of coffee, but that would be doing your work.

And how would that be helping you?

Yeah, but you are my secretary, right?

Well, if you feel the need to apply these arbitrary labels, okay.

I will be your secretary and you can be my boss.

But nothing will have changed because when all is said and done...

I'm still me, and you're still you.

Actually, something will have changed, because I'll still be working here, and

you'll be fired.

Okay, everybody, here they are. I have got your tickets for the Animal Welfare

Federation annual bowl -a -thon. Now remember, every pin you knock down will

help maintain the stasis and biodiversity of our ecosystem.

Now, I'm not exactly sure what that means, but my publicist tells me it's a

really good thing.

Here you go, Jim. These are for you. And, Corky, there's yours. I still don't

get this, Frank.

This is supposed to be a Valentine's Day event. Why is it in January?

Apparently, someone waited until the last minute to book the bowling alley.

I thought you were in charge of that. Hey, I had a lot on my plate last month.

Well,

at least it's better than last year's Monte Carlo night benefit.

Roger Mudd took his job as pit boss a little too seriously and had Doris

out of the hall for card plotting.

Meanwhile, five aces drop out of Cronkite's sleeve and the man's

his roguish disregard of the rules. Where's the justice in that, I ask you?

I just hate Valentine's Day.

So much pressure on single people.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Just because you're lucky enough to be in a relationship, why should you get a

holiday too? I mean, they might as well have people born with beauty and

intelligence day or people who eat all they want and don't get fat day.

Yeah, it's

really

sad.

Wait a minute.

Sit. We are both on the committee. What do you say you and Peter double with me

and my date? We make it a foursome.

Well, actually, Frank, I'm not really sure that we're going to go to this

What? You're on the committee. You have to go.

Well, I think that the endangered animals have a little more to worry

whether I go to their stupid party or not.

And besides, Peter's not really into this kind of stuff.

That's what this is all about. You know, every time I ask you and Peter to do

something with me, you always come up with some lame excuse not to do it. If

you're talking about that Redskins game, I swear to you, Peter was in serious

pain that day. Oh, come on. Come on. The man crawled across the jungle once with

a broken leg. You're telling me he couldn't make it to a football game

of an ingrown hair?

If I'm not mistaken, wasn't it an ingrown hair that killed President

You want to know the truth?

Whenever you and Peter get together, there's always this...

uncomfortable tension.

Tension? There's no tension. It's just two guys having fun.

You gave his name to the Secret Service and said you heard him threatening the

president.

You never heard of something called an April Fool's joke? In August, Frank.

Murph, come on. That's all water under the bridge.

Now, listen. Even though he did come in here and invade my turf, steal away my

best friend, and I'm 99 % sure he's the one responsible for that graffiti in the

men's room incident, I am past him.

You really serious about this?

Absolutely. Now, listen.

Peter's in your life. Now, I want to be in your life, too.

I really think we should all get along.

I think this bowling night is a perfect opportunity to do that.

Okay, I'm not making any promises, but I'll see what I can do. Great.

Oh, and Frank, I don't want you blaming Peter for that graffiti in the men's

room. I'll have you know that drawing took me two hours.

Hey, Murphy.

Oh, hey. I'll be ready in a sec.

Actually, I don't think I'm going to go bowling.

I think I'm coming down with that flu thing that's going around. It starts

a little tickle in the throat, doesn't it?

Really? Oh, Peter, that's too bad.

You must feel awful being involved with a woman who wouldn't buy that load of

crap for a second.

Okay, let me try another load of crap.

this already. Frank really wants to be your friend. The least you can do is

return the gesture.

Besides, if you don't, I'm going to spread the rumor that you wear bikini

underwear with a big bullseye on them.

You gave them to me. Still, you wore them and I'm willing to go public with

that.

You wouldn't dare.

All right, I'll go.

But when I give you the word, we leave. Or I'll tell everyone at that bowling

alley that you regularly sell your hair to a wig maker.

Not because you need the money, but because you're just that cheap.

my guest no one will believe you are you willing to take that chance you are a

low hunt but you're my kind of love frank

we're just heading over to the bowling alley well have a good

time what are you talking about my date's canceled she's got this blue

that's going around apparently it starts with a little tickle in the throat

You know, if Frank's not going, maybe we shouldn't go after him. Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa. You have to go. It's event co -chairman. You're going to have to

assume my duties.

What? What duties? It's not that much, really. All you're going to have to do

spray the shoes and empty out the ashtrays.

And if the automatic pin setter gets stuck, what you have to do, the guy

is crawl under there and give it a sharp kick and get the hell out of there

because the thing comes down really fast.

Oh, yeah, that'll happen.

Besides, just because your date canceled doesn't mean you can't go. Oh, yeah.

I'm really going to go to a Valentine's Day event alone.

Well, you know, you never know what happens with these things.

Maybe a couple will get into a fight and you'll meet someone that way.

Listen, Murph, I've already made some calls. There's no one available.

No one?

Apparently a last -minute invite to a Valentine's Day bowling party doesn't

thrill a woman the way it used to.

All right, phone call. It's the bowling alley. Okay.

You know, you really should be handling this all right. I'll take it.

Quick, you've got to find someone for Frank to take.

Why would I do that? I don't even want to go to this thing.

Look, if you think it's going to be me sliding under those pincers, pal, you

sadly mistaken. So get out that pathetic little black book that I know you have

but you won't admit to and make Frank a match.

I don't think there would be anybody in that book that would be right for Frank.

If such a book existed.

And even if it did, it would probably be filled with names of women that I went

out with. Don't you think you might have a problem with that?

Yeah, right. I'm really going to be threatened by a woman whose name is

by three stars and the word Yahoo.

First of all, I don't use Star Wars.

I use a complicated system of checks and pluses and little smiley faces.

Look, it's bad enough I have to participate in a sport whose finest

train on a diet of cigarettes, beer, and corn nuts.

The least you can do for me is this one little favor.

Well, I do have this friend, Linda. She might be free tonight.

Linda? Female name, free tonight. She sounds perfect.

Call her.

Listen, Murph.

Apparently, there is a fungal virus going around.

So, when you spray the shoes tonight, make sure you really get up in the toes.

Not so fast, Frank. You're still on shoe duty. Peter has a friend who's perfect

for you, and he's calling her right now. A blind date? I don't think so.

Um, but Frank, would she be a totally blind date if I knew her?

Really? You know her?

What's she like?

Linda? Oh, she's great.

She's, um, she's fun, intelligent.

Yahoo. I don't know, Murph. I mean, really, it just doesn't sound right.

Yahoo, Frank.

Hi, guys.

Hey, a Valentine's party and the two of you are together.

Does this mean you're officially an item now?

No, we are not an item.

We were just here as friends because that is the way we want it. Right,

Right, friends. Unless you thought we were here as something other than

No, we're happy as friends. Really happy. You are happy, aren't you? Oh,

Couldn't be happier.

I mean, if you will. Me? I couldn't be happier. Oh, God.

We'll air Wolfie. It's like a bad episode of Moonlighting.

Greetings, all.

Hey, Tim.

Are you here alone?

Unfortunately, yes.

Doris's allergies started acting up. And just as we were about to leave, her

mother called, and that brought on a migraine. And as we were going out, she

broke a heel. Didn't want to come, did she, Jim? It's a bowling alley, for

sake. Wild horses couldn't drag her here.

I can't even bowl with that.

Where's your date, Frank? She's coming.

And frankly, I am getting a little tired of these insinuations because I have a

date. And let me tell you something. She is coming. She is definitely coming.

She's not coming, is she?

How many times do I have to say it, Frank? Debbie will be here.

Debbie? I thought you said her name was Linda.

You're right.

Her middle name is Debbie.

Oh, now I'm waiting for Debbie.

And what's her last name, Godot? Now, hold on a second.

I am on to your game. You were desperate to get me here tonight so you wouldn't

have to spray the shoes. And you, you, she made you go over and pretend to make

a phone call and pretend to get me a date with this Debbie Linda person.

Actually, that's Linda Debbie.

Just so you know, my old friend. I came here tonight to bury the hatchet with

you, only to find it locked between my shoulder blades. Well, thank you. Thank

you very much.

Peter. Oh, hi. Sorry I'm late. Traffic was terrible.

I'm Linda. You must be Frank.

Peter's told me some great things about you.

Oh, hi.

You know, this might sound shallow and unconvincing, but I love you, man.

You're just doing great.

Oh, God, I tell you, I am really into this whole Valentine's theme.

Yeah, love is in the air. Nice cutterball, huh? You stink.

No, this Linda, she's terrific.

Tell me what you know about her. I want to know everything.

Linda, um, well, she's sort of, she's, to tell you the truth, Frank, I don't

really know her.

Oh, she's complicated, hard to pin down.

I like that.

No, I mean, I really don't. know her. I never met her before tonight.

Never?

You mean you let Peter set me up with someone you don't even know?

How could you do that?

Oh, man.

If I'd have known that, there's no way I would have agreed to come here tonight.

What are you complaining about? You're having a great time.

You don't get it. This changes everything.

It doesn't change a thing. Linda's bright, attractive.

And look, she just made a seven -tenth split.

Exactly my point. A woman that attractive agreeing to go on a blind

bowling alley at the last minute? There's something deeply, deeply wrong

You said it yourself.

She's a good bowler.

Maybe too good.

Maybe she's a man.

You've been sniffing that shoe spray, haven't you, Frank?

Is that an Adam's apple?

You're up, Frank.

Okay.

Yes! Did you see that? Did you see that? I got three!

One, two, three!

Wow, that's really great.

Highest I got was two, and that was in somebody else's lane.

Oh, Miles.

It's not as hard as it looks. Here, let me show you.

First, I put my foot right here on this spot.

Like this?

No, no. Here, let me show you.

Like this.

Then, I grip the ball like this.

How's that feel?

That feels right.

Really right.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Take a step away from the mat. All right.

Hands up.

No,

let's flex those knees, shall we?

Peter, I'm adding up your score.

That's one that wobbled. It didn't go down, did it?

Okay, so that all adds up to zero.

I have such an interesting relationship. How did you get together?

Oh, we met at work, and we started going out, and we've been together ever

since. How did you meet Peter?

Oh, we met when we were in the Peace Corps together.

Peter was in the Peace Corps? Really? I didn't know that. Sure, three years.

Anyway, they sent us to this really remote part of Thailand.

The nearest doctor was like 60 miles away. So you can imagine how scary it

when Peter got bitten by that snake and almost died.

Peter almost died from a snake bite?

I didn't know that. Yeah, on the way back he proposed to me.

At first I thought it was maybe the medication talking because just a minute

before that he'd taken off all his clothes and scrambled up a bandage and

started... Whoa, whoa, could you just back up for a second?

You guys were married?

Oh, no, no. We never went through with it.

But... We did live together for two years.

But I'm sure you know all about that.

Oh, yeah.

That I know about.

You're up, Linda. And remember, you're working on a spare.

We can relax, Murph. She's all woman.

She is, Seth.

I was just talking to Peter, and I tell you, the guy honestly thought that she'd

be perfect for me. And, you know, he's right. I mean, what a setup.

She's attractive.

She's smart.

He lived with Peter for two years.

Oh, man, what a setup. I knew there was something wrong with her. Peter dumps

her, then he feels guilty. He tries to turn her off on me.

You're up, Frank. Thanks for nothing, man.

What's with him?

Oh, he just found out that the blind date you set him up with used to be your

roomie. Oh, yeah, we live together.

Oh, yeah, you live together? That's it? Like, oh, yeah, they have nachos at the

bar?

You tell me it bothers you. No, no, I mean, it doesn't bother me. It's just

it would have been nice to know. I mean, we've been together for almost a year,

and I had no idea.

Well, I would have told you, but we had this understanding from the beginning

that this relationship was going to crash and burn, right?

I mean, we agreed that there was no point in cluttering things up with

information. You're right. You're absolutely right.

Besides, it's not like I don't have a lot of stuff like that that I haven't

bothered to tell you. Exactly.

Great.

Like, uh, like what?

I was married once.

I know that. You told me that. Oh, well, there's a lot of other stuff like that

that I haven't told you about.

A lot of other stuff.

Did you know about me and Jerry Gold?

That loud mouth? I hate that guy. What about you and him?

Oh, look, it's my turn.

Hey, man, sorry about blowing up at you back then. Really, I don't know where

that came from.

Linda, tell me she's the one who dumped you, huh?

Yep.

Dumped you and dumped you. Good.

That really must have messed up your head, huh?

I suppose so. Listen, Murphy and Jerry Gold, what was that all about?

And that, friends, is called slamming the pocket.

Corky, I believe you're up next.

Stay in my seat.

Hey, Corky, have a ball.

I'm beginning to lose patience with you. It's left, right, left, right, release.

No, no, no.

It's about something different.

Something going on at the office, and I think we all know what that is.

Yes? Go on.

You know, sometimes people have these feelings, and they keep them buried.

Then time goes by, and they wonder if they're not making the biggest mistake

their life.

They start wondering, maybe they should be, I don't know.

seizing the opportunity before it's gone forever. Now, you listen to me, and you

listen good. I don't know what lies you've heard about me and that raven

receptionist, but nothing, I repeat, nothing happened in the Xerox room that

day. She had a paper block, and I helped to clear it. That's the long and short

of it. And if any of this gets back to Doris, so help me God.

Miles, it's your turn.

Okay.

Jim, I need to talk to you about something.

Something that's going on in the office.

You're going down to seminary school for cheating.

Wow.

Murphy's seen every James Bond movie twice.

Yeah. Even Octopussy.

He speaks fluent Chinese.

Cantonese and Mandarin. You should hear him order takeout.

Murphy's fired a lot of secretaries.

Listen, Peter, I think Linda and I are going to cut out of here.

Hey, Linda, would you like to take off?

Sure.

You guys don't mind, do you?

We'd like to get to know each other a little more.

Yeah, you know what that's like.

Huh?

In there.

I know.

Well, uh, that was fun, huh?

Yeah, I had a great time.

It seemed like you and Linda were doing an awful lot of talking.

Yeah.

Uh, you and Frank spent a lot of time together.

What'd you guys talk about?

Oh, you know, just, uh, just stuff.

How about you and Linda?

Same.

Stuff.

Wait, uh, Frank sure seems to know an awful lot about you.

Yeah.

And Linda seems to know a lot about you.

I guess if we had the kind of relationship where we called it a

might know that kind of stuff about you, too. But you don't want that, do you?

Me? No, I'm happy with the way things are.

As long as you're happy with the way things are. You're happy, aren't you?

absolutely.

I'm happy if you're happy. No, I'm happy if you are.

We sound like Courtney and Miles.

What are we doing, Peter?

I'm happy.

We're not doing the happy thing anymore, are we?

Look, Murphy, I don't know what's going on with us.

All I know is that I found out tonight that I'm involved with a woman that I

hardly know.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Seminary school?

Octopussy? Twice?

It's really not so bad once you get past the title.

You know what's getting to me?

I make my living asking questions.

And I know more about gas or Arafat than I know about you. Well, the man's an

open book.

You know, maybe we shouldn't blame ourselves.

We weren't even supposed to last this long. I mean, we were supposed to crash

and burn long before we got to what's your favorite color.

I was supposed to be feeding your pictures through a paper shredder by

I was supposed to be crushing out the smiley faces by your name in my little

black book.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't want it to end yet.

I don't either.

So what's your favorite color?

Gray.

Gray?

But the only kind of color is gray. I mean, blue, now there's a color. Oh,

that figures.

What's the matter with blue? Nothing. It's just that 90 % of the population

blue. But if that's okay with you, then... So who's your favorite writer?

Stephen King.

Oh, boy, this is going to be work.

Oh, Rena's probably asleep. I'm just going to go check on Avery.

You got a kid?