Original subtitles

And plus, twice a day, every day, including weekends.

So, Murphy, what are your New Year's resolutions?

Oh, I don't know. Lay off the donuts and be nicer to people, I guess.

Hey, that's good, Murph. That should be your New Year's resolution.

I just said that. What are you, a moron?

Wait, I blew it already. Give me the donuts.

Listen up, everyone. I urge you all to find a comfortable place to hide.

Stuart Best is on his way up. What? I don't know why he's back or what he

Suffice it to say I had to use Leslie Stahl as a human shield to get up here

without him seeing me.

This is what I get for pretending to be friends with people I feel sorry for.

Great. Now I've got him and Morley safer to deal with.

Maybe he's not here to be happy. Yeah, it's a big building.

Let's hide in Jim's office.

It's so great to see you guys again, Miles and Corky, Jim, Frank, and Bert!

No words!

So, uh, what brings you to town, and for how long?

Oh, I moved back to Washington, bud.

I'm living here full -time now. Hey, great!

What happens, do I get elected to the Senate?

No, no, I'm a congressman.

You're not joking, are you?

No.

Stuart, when you say Congress, you wouldn't be referring to the one in this

country, would you?

House of Representatives, you're looking at the new congressman from the 7th

District of the great state of Arizona.

And if I'm lying, I'm buying.

Someone like you get to be a congressman. And please don't mistake

incredulous tone in my voice for anything other than idle curiosity.

I know, Murph.

In the 18 years since you guys got me fired from FYI, my life has been on a

seemingly endless downward spiral.

But only in America could a man who's been drummed out of every job he's ever

had become an elected official.

There was a lot of voter discontent out there, and I guess I just rode the

Republican wave into office.

You're a Republican?

Well, I never used to be.

In fact, I hadn't voted in 15 years. I mean, that's how they track you down for

jury duty, you know.

You said you won your seat in Arizona.

You aren't by any chance the political unknown who ousted landmark legislator

Robert Sakaniwa, are you?

He was a career politician, Jim, and the people were sick of those.

Whereas I had what they were looking for.

No record, no experience, and no hard -to -pronounce last name.

So what was your group form? Not that you couldn't have won on your Kennedy

-esque charm alone.

People wanted simple, easy answers.

Answers I was ready to give, like... All's I know is it's time for a change.

is, we've had enough tax and spend.

And all that got you elected?

By a landslide.

Hey, come on up, Gab. I came here to invite you guys to my inaugural bash on

Friday. What do you say?

Congressman Bass, phone call.

Oh, guess I better take that.

Unless it's the president, in which case you can tell him I'll call back when

I'm good and ready.

That's what Newt did.

That's not the president, is it?

My alibi is Avery's got a rash. Bridge game.

Family. Scuba lesson. Scuba lesson?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's no rash.

If you believe all of you are trying to get out of this party, you should be

jumping on this opportunity. But you are. Think about it. There's a whole new

regime in power now, and we all have to start making new contacts.

Let's face it. The only thing someone like Tom Foley can do for you these days

is reserve you a seat at the St. Patrick's Day Parade. Not even. I tried.

answers the phone with a phony Jamaican accent and says you've got the wrong

number. Well, that was my second hearing.

Apparently, I hadn't signed my contract with America yet, and they won't give me

the key to my office till I do.

All of us would be thrilled to go to your party.

Splendid! Well, I'm off to, uh, make a difference.

And who knows, uh, maybe even lay the groundwork for a Quail Best campaign in

96.

Oh, yeah, this is my idea of fun. Me surrounded by a room full of Republicans

drunk with power. All that's missing are some dancing flames and a guy with a

pitchfork.

reminds me of my first mixer. We guzzled beer, tried to kiss anything in a

dress, and threw up in the parking lot.

It's all a sense of discussion about school prayer, and that's pretty much

picture here.

You know, maybe we won't feel as threatened if we just imagine them all

underwear.

Oh, God, that's worse. I just saw Strom Thurmond talking to Jesse Hell.

Don't be so childish.

Republicans are Democrats. They're all just people.

You know, Tim's got a point. I mean, just because you're a Republican doesn't

mean you can't be a bait.

How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? I give up. How many? I

hope just one. This town's going to be dark for a long, long time.

Oh, jeez. Crush Limbaugh drew Clinton's face on his belly and he's making it

talk. Haven't we been... Hey, guys.

I just heard the most interesting tidbit. According to Newt Gingrich, half

Clinton cabinet was stoned... out of their minds during the State of the

address.

Totally jaded, Corfew, but I've learned to discount anything beginning with the

phrase according to Newt Gingrich.

Wait a second. You're saying if a mother can't take care of her children without

welfare, then the government should take away the children?

Right. And place them in a loving orphanage.

Oh, as long as it's a loving orphanage.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't find you earlier, but I was in Constance with

Bono. Not only does the man have a unique perspective on the issues, but

slept with Cher, and he's willing to talk about it in detail.

That's terrific, Stuart, but I think I'm going to be shoving off, so thanks for

having us. You can't go before my toast.

All right, everybody.

Attention, toast time.

I'm Congressman Best from Arizona, and I want to thank... Thank you all for

making this such a wonderful night. I also want to thank some folks you

expect to see here. My old friends from FYI, especially Murphy Brown!

Come on, people.

Come on. Even a Republican like me was once a member of the liberal media elite

like them.

You were?

Well, but then I sobered up.

From all those crazy liberal media elite stories she airs.

What the hell is he doing?

I think someone here doesn't like that phrase, liberal media elite. I wonder

it could be. Perhaps it's my old friend, Murphy Brown.

All right, you insufferable homunculus, that's enough.

Blah, blah, blah. You know, with all that hot air, maybe you should be

president, Murphy.

Too bad Hillary...

Real mature.

A first lady who has something more to say on an issue than just say no and

suddenly... Okay,

time to go, Murphy. Let's go. Oh, sorry, sorry. I didn't realize I was at the

1995 Idiots Convention.

You shut up.

You shut up. Okay, right here.

You know, I've been to some horrible parties in my life, including one where

woke up with a Doberman licking bean dip out of my hair. But tonight is the

worst. That weasel set us up. Oh, come now.

Surely you're not saying Stuart invited us to that party tonight only to

humiliate us? No. I'm saying Stuart had himself planted on FYI 18 years ago,

knowing we would fire him and feel guilty about it.

That way, when one day he was elected to Congress, he would use that guilt to

get us to this party tonight, where ultimately we would feel humiliated.

I'm with Murph. I know it's a little far -fetched, but so is Watergate.

Mark my words, Stuart Best is going down, and I'm taking him there.

You think it's possible to buy some of that flesh -eating bacteria, or do you

just...

I understand you folks had a fun time meeting the new powers that be.

How do you know about that already?

I've been surfing the Internet.

Has the change in power affected things here at all?

I don't know. There's a whole new set of vibes in this town.

Why, just last night, Newt Gingrich and his boys strutted in here, picked out

the smallest Democrat in the place, and played keep -away with his tasseled

loafers until the poor bastard cried.

Ah, but what can you expect?

from a guy who's named after a lizard.

Lizard. Now that's an idea, but how do you get it to bite the right person?

Every answer just leads to more questions.

You know what I don't understand?

Liberal, to me, always meant making sure people weren't discriminated against,

the environment wasn't polluted, the poor were cared for. I mean, how did

liberal become a four -letter word?

Oh. Come on, Frank. You use conservative as a swear word.

Well, yeah, but that hasn't really caught on the way I thought it would.

I've got to admit, Frank, liberals haven't exactly cornered the market on

virtue. Conservatives just believe that more government isn't always the answer

to problems, and apparently a lot of people agree with them. That's why they

voted Republican. The poll showed that most people didn't agree with them. They

just wanted to throw out the old bunch of rats and bring in a new bunch of

Huh.

Rats.

It all sounds like sour grapes to me. The Democrats have been in charge for 40

years, and you can't stand the fact that now it's the Republicans' turn.

Well, maybe the Republicans will be in power for 40 years, and then the

Democrats can have it back.

Sure. You'll all be dead then, but Miles and I will be alive to see it.

If it's going to mean living under Republican control for the next 40

rather be dead.

Well, they couldn't do any worse than the Democrats.

Who's been in the White House for the last 12 years? The Republicans. No, no.

The Democrats control the Republicans.

Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it. All of you.

Tired of all this finger -pointing.

Democrats are responsible for this. Republicans are responsible for that.

That's what's wrong with this country today.

I tell you, we should set aside our petty differences and work toward a

to the problems that affect us all.

Jim is right.

And I say that solution should be taking down Stuart Best.

Now, you might think that a concrete ball 20 feet below the surface is a

extreme, but if we're all willing to dig together...

On and on with your crazy revenge fantasies?

You're right. These are crazy revenge fantasies.

What I should be focusing on are plausible revenge fantasies.

Like having Stuart on the show and nailing his high to the wall.

That is much better. Just because Republicans call us liberals doesn't

lose our objectivity. We are here to inform, not push some political agenda.

This isn't a political agenda. It's a personal one.

The Republicans have been begging me for weeks to profile some new members of

the House. Fine. One of them is going to be Stuart Best. And by the time I

finish showing the public just who it is they voted for, he's going to be

begging for that concrete vote.

All right. Two Bob Doe's, a Jesse Helms, and an Orrin Hatch and a pita.

Oh, get off my back. I'm a businessman here. I gotta go with the times.

Hey there.

Huh?

Boy,

you know, I was a little bit surprised to be invited to appear on the show

tonight. I mean, at the party, I got the sense you might be a little miffed.

Uh -huh.

I was wondering if I might be able to ask you a teensy little favor.

And that is?

I can't. Don't make me.

Well, well, well. Not so full of yourself when you're not surrounded by

cronies, are you, Congressman?

Please, you don't understand.

When I was elected, I didn't realize I might be a little bit beholden to

interest groups who aided my bid.

I thought they just gave me money because they liked me, but tonight they

me a position paper and they made it clear they're expecting a pretty big

on their investment.

So give it to them.

30 seconds, people.

I can't.

positions are a little extreme.

If I go on TV and say the things my backers want me to say, I won't be able

live with myself.

But if I don't say them, they'll kill me. They won't kill you. They will kill

me. Some of these people have overthrown governments in Central America. They've

shot people in soccer stadiums. You've got to help me.

Have you been drinking?

Yes, I've been drinking.

I'm drinking.

and welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight, Frank Fontana explores mob influence in Russia

Corky Sherwood examines the dangers of germs in the gym.

Murphy Brown introduces us to three new members of the historic 104th Congress.

Murphy? Thank you, Jim. With me are Democrat Mary Courtney, Republican Jeff

Binney, and former FYI anchor, Republican Stuart Best.

Welcome. Thank you.

This has been made over political gridlock, and I thought tonight with our

Democrat and two Republicans, we might see where Congress would land on various

issues. One of the biggest ones is immigration.

Any thoughts?

Immigrants have always contributed to this country and have always made easy

scapegoats. Yes, something must be done about the illegal ones, but cutting off

education and health care is short -sighted.

Our limited resources should be going to Americans and not to people who aren't

legally here.

And I'm betting my colleague Stuart agrees with me.

Yes, I do.

Surely you must have more of an opinion than that, Congressman.

Well, I don't want to monopolize the discussion.

Please, we have plenty of time. Feel free to elaborate.

Yes. Well, why stop at illegal immigrants?

Let's get rid of the legal ones, too.

If they found a way here, they can find a way back.

Unless the person is seven -eighths Caucasian, they should take an IQ test

determine if they should stay in this great country of ours.

Are you actually proposing that we expel ethnic minorities?

I guess I am.

All ethnic minorities?

Apparently so.

Let's move on.

Teen pregnancy, Congresswoman Courtney. We must improve sex education or we'll

have more kids having kids.

Sex ed is just providing a how -to manual. The only safe sex is no sex.

Congressman Betts.

I think we obviously need to bring back the family.

But the problem is unwed mothers. Now, why are they unwed?

Because there aren't enough men to go around.

polygamy should be not only decriminalized, but enforced.

Well, that's quite a radical solution. Anything more to it?

I'm afraid there is.

Any bride who refuses her new husband would, unless seven -eighths Caucasian,

be returned.

to the country of her ancestors.

You are advocating forced marriages and the deportation of American citizens?

I believe I've said all I need to say on this.

Yes. Yes, you have.

Welfare, another hot topic.

Congresswoman Courtney.

Welfare, as we know it, may not be working, but we need some program in

help those the economy can't.

The Welfare Society is the great legacy of the Democrats.

Unless we limit how long people receive assistance, what's the incentive to

work? Okay, next topic. I don't believe we've heard from Congressman Best.

Oh, right.

Congressman Best?

Slavery is an ugly word.

where welfare has been a drain on the economy historically slavery has always

been a boon i'm not proposing that we enslave any one race that would be wrong

but let's put the unemployed to work

Is slavery a better alternative to welfare?

Yes, I do.

Are you nuts?

Yes.

I'd like to point out that I've never met Congressman Best before tonight. I

must state that his positions don't remotely resemble mine or those of the

Republican Party.

On to the very dry, less inflammatory topic of trade, Congresswoman Corden. I

support the new GATT agreement.

I do, too.

Well, what do you know? A consensus between parties. And, uh, Congressman

I believe you told me earlier that you support Gats, so we can move on to

No!

We're in a trade war!

We must act accordingly!

I say it's time to... Please, I just can't.

It's time to... I just... Could you read this, please?

Do you want to re -intern the Japanese?

Do you actually believe any of what you're saying?

No, not a word.

But the people who gave me money do. What choice do I have?

I was running a campaign out of my living room.

I didn't have time to figure out where every $600 ,000 check was coming from.

You didn't know who was contributing to your campaign?

I do now.

An ultra -secret oil cartel underground...

the National Rifle Coalition.

You mean the National Rifle Association.

No, they're a militant offshoot of that.

The Patriotic Brotherhood. Are they connected to the Aryan Nation White

Supremacist Group?

Not anymore.

They're a militant offshoot of that.

And you took money from these people?

Brotherhood. What could sound nicer?

Believe me, I had no idea.

All I wanted was a full -time job with a pension and a health care plan. I

haven't had my teeth cleaned since 1974.

I don't know whether to hate you or pity you.

Pity me.

Hey, guys.

You look terrible.

Well, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

Up all night worried about your performance, huh?

No, up all night running from an angry mob.

They tried to tar and feather me.

I would have assumed the know -how for that practice died out years ago, but

I've got the scattered blisters that say otherwise.

I'm sorry things turned out the way they did, Stuart, but politics can be a

brutal sport.

Not for me, not anymore.

Seventh District of Arizona started recall proceedings last night. You're

kidding. That fast?

Yep. Seems more people called for my resignation in the two minutes following

the show than voted in the election.

Well, if nothing else can be said for my stint in Congress, at least unify the

people through their intense and utter hatred of me.

I've got to say, it does sort of restore a little of my faith in democracy.

Yeah, mine too.

But don't worry about me.

I've decided to do what every disgraced politician has done since time

immemorial. Slink into self -opposed exile and write my memoirs. My agent

can't risk deals.