Original subtitles

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock.

Jingle bell swing and jingle bell ring.

Blowing and blowing, a push of the fun.

Now the party has just begun.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock.

Jingle bell child and jingle bell time.

Dancing and prancing and jingle bell swing.

I love the Christmas season.

It's an air of goodwill that seems to affect everyone.

Oh, tell me about it. You know, this morning, I actually saw Bob Dole pass to

Santa on the corner and drop a quarter in his kettle.

Sure, he asked the guy for change and told Santa to pull himself up by his big

black bootstraps.

And the best thing about Christmas is Corky's delightful Christmas tree butter

cookies. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, my God. Here.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, look.

somehow different this year.

Well, no, Jim. Actually, they're just burnt.

They're burnt. Just say it, Frank.

Burnt.

I was in the middle of baking them when I had to go downstairs to the basement.

A stupid water pipe burst near my storage locker. Oh, dear.

The water ruined all my Christmas presents, including the hand -carved

scene I bought for my mother.

By the time I got down there, the only thing I had left were two wise men.

Baby Jesus had floated into the laundry room and was circling around the door.

And the poor French in a fair dress.

That's not the French that we'll do. That's the Halls. Happy holidays,

Whoa, whoa. Did you say happy holidays, Murph? Yes, I did, Frank. What of it?

Well, nothing. We're just accustomed to associating you with good cheer. Yeah,

what happened? Did you get a scary midnight visit from the ghost of

future? No.

It's just that this is the first time I'm seeing Christmas through Avery's

and it's been a lot of fun. We trimmed the tree, hung the stockings. Last

Peter came over, and we watched the Barry Manilow Christmas special.

I think Avery's starting to get a little tired of old Barry, which means I've

gotten my Christmas gift.

Oh, hello. I'm Murphy Brown, and you must be my new secretary.

Merry Christmas.

Yes, well...

Here are your phone messages. I've reorganized your in -basket according to

priority. I've compiled your daily appointment on a separate list for your

reference. And if you don't mind, I did confirm your lunch reservation tomorrow

at one with Representative Johnson.

Oh, thank you. I think this is going to work out very nicely. I hope so. One

more thing, Ms. Brown.

Wait a minute. I recognize you.

Aren't you Bob Packwood's old secretary?

How'd you go?

Out.

Good morning, people.

I hope everybody's ready for the big FYI holiday bash tomorrow.

Hey, now, now, now.

I know we've had a few duds in the past, but this year's party is going to be

different. We won't have the same red punch from the cafeteria.

The entertainment will not be provided by the singing accountants from the

seventh floor.

And I have been assured that this year's Christmas tree is non -flammable.

Oh, and Miles, I think you should remind everyone, stealing office supplies and

wrapping them does not constitute an appropriate Secret Santa gift. Oh, like

never used that stapler, Frank?

While we're on the subject, I haven't figured out who my Secret Santa is yet,

but I'm in autumn, so stay away from pinks and grays.

And again, a Sony removable CD player goes with everything.

Just putting that out there.

Excuse me, this package just came for you.

Oh, that's what I think it is.

Yes! What have you got there, Slugger?

This is the last of Avery's Christmas presents.

You know, I thought that whole it's better to give than receive thing was a

crock. Who knew it would be true?

You mean you didn't get a warm fuzzy feeling when you gave me that gaily

stack of legal pads last year?

What's Avery getting?

Something that's supposed to provide hours of fun and enjoyment.

A wood block?

It's not just a wood block.

It's der Wunderblocken from Sweden.

$39 .95?

Oh, I get it. You wonder why you paid $40 for a stupid block?

It's supposed to teach a child spatial relations, textures.

Okay, it looked a lot better in the catalog.

If you want my two cents, you should get him a G .I. Joe. Kids love them.

You know, I remember when I was growing up, my parents wouldn't get me one, so I

had to draw a beard and scars all over my sister's Barbie.

Every time my friends played Invasion of Normandy, mine was the only soldier who

kept breaking a heel.

I had a G .I. Joe. I swallowed one of his boots and they had to rush me to the

hospital.

Guess me, there's nothing wrong with the old favorites.

I recall one year my father bought me a wood -burning kit.

Provided me with hours of joy and amusement.

Ah, the initials I could have seared into this block.

I had a wood -burning kit. The firemen said they'd never seen flames jump from

house to house.

Best gift I ever got was an Easy -Bake oven.

All you had to do was add two tablespoons of water to a pre -packaged

Out came the perfect little cookie.

Boy, those Easy -Bake people really set me up for a fall.

My cousin had an Easy -Bake oven. I played with it once.

The ambulance driver let me wear his hat.

Thanks, guys, but I think Avery's going to be thrilled with the gifts I've

already gotten him. Now, there's only one thing left that we have to do, and

that is a visit to Santa, which will take place at Ribo's department store

afternoon at exactly 4 .15.

Why are you going all the way across town, Murph? They've got a Santa at

Linwood's, and that's just a few blocks from your house.

Linwood's, Frank? I'm not going to Linwood's. Well, why not? A Santa's a

A Santa is a Santa, Frank. You are so naive.

I mean, do you have any idea what some stores are passing off as Santas today?

Look at this.

Too thin, too short, too young.

And this guy, Robert Bork, had a better beard.

You went around taking pictures of Santas?

Well, this is the first Santa Avery will remember, and I want him to be perfect.

I thought about taking him to see the Santa and the Senate commissary, but the

place was teeming with Republicans high -fiving each other, and I figured that

was no place for a child.

Which left me with only one choice.

Look at him, Frank. Real old, real fat, real beard. Hey, this guy looks pretty

good. And look, he's got rosy cheeks. Yeah, and that's real rosy, not blush.

Avery's gonna love him.

Whoa.

Who is this guy?

Oh, she's the Santa at the Sisterhood bookstore.

I wanted Avery to learn that there's no job a woman can't do, but I don't know.

A Santa with breasts? How do you explain that to a two -year -old?

Now, Avery, don't forget to say thank you to the reindeer.

Thank you.

Looks like my hand -picked Kris Kringle is running about 15 minutes late.

That's okay. He's probably in front of the mirror making sure his eyes are a

twinkle and his belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly. Because he is that kind

of fancy. Murph, just relax. He's going to be here in a couple of minutes. Why

don't you enjoy all this other stuff? The decorations, the trees.

Hey, who is that?

An elf, Frank?

Didn't you already date an elf?

She was a gnome, and that was just for a cookie commercial.

Um, Murph, would you just go stand over there? I don't want her to think we're

married.

Oh, well, it's about time.

Wait a minute.

That's not the Santa that was here yesterday.

That's a different Santa.

Oh, well, I am not going to let them get away with this.

Excuse me, but do you know where the Santa is that was here yesterday?

I don't know. I'm blitzing.

They keep me out of the loop.

But you don't understand. I brought my son specifically to see the Santa who

here yesterday. The old fat jolly one. Oh, him.

He had to go in for an angioplasty. The guy was a walking time bomb.

Chip's filling in today.

Chip?

My kid's first Santa and his name is Chip?

And he's supposed to ho, ho, ho, not he, he, he. You know, you need a license to

get a dog, but you can just waltz in off the street with a pillow over your

stomach and bingo, you're Santa.

This is Santa's village, not Club Med.

Come on, if we hurry, we can still get to Hex Department Store for my first

runner -up.

Come on, Avery, honey.

Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa.

Oh, great.

Chip it is.

Oh, look, Avery.

Santa's been on a health and fitness program that's taken years off him.

that great?

You want a picture of him with Santa?

Oh, yeah, I sure do. Can you just back up a little? You're in my light.

It's like, what do you want for Christmas, man?

I know my kid, or what?

A truck. I got it last month.

I love the demon.

Cool.

What did he say? Power ninja demon.

Power ninja demon? What's that, Frank? Well, what's the big deal, Mark? Well,

it's not on my list.

I'm sure he's confused. I think he meant to say der Wunderblocken.

Don't you think that's what he meant to say, Santa? Yeah, it sounded like power

ninja demon to me.

Hey, power ninja demon.

Tell me, where do I go to get one of those?

Go down aisle four.

Take a left, keep walking until you hit Taiwan.

They've been sold out of those things since August.

Well,

Miles seems to have worked his magic again this year.

Corky, it's Christmas.

Your favorite time of year.

Oh, things can't be that bad.

Oh, yeah?

I don't have any presents.

Half my Christmas cards came back for insufficient postage.

And the airline I was supposed to fly home on went bankrupt. So, I'm going to

spending this Christmas alone.

In my condo.

Red punch?

Murphy,

where have you been? You've missed half the party. I've already given away my

Secret Santa gift. I gave Doug the cameraman an air ionizer. Boy, was he

surprised. Have a rough day, Miles.

I spent the last ten hours going from store to store looking for a power ninja

demon. And you know what kills me? You just know Michael Jackson has 500 of

set up in battle scenes around his living room.

I know.

I had to order the one I got for my nephew months ago.

What? You've got one?

I've been looking all over town and you've been holding out on me? Oh, it's

yours, Murphy.

All you have to do is reach down the sewer grate in my basement and pull it

It'll be easy to find.

It's right next to the soggy Dorfan golf video I was supposed to give my father.

You know, I think there's far too much emphasis placed on those high -priced

toys today anyway. In my day, we had a piece of chalk and a slate.

There's your video game.

There's got to be something I can do. Some store I could check.

I'd even take the unpopular orange Ninja Demon Earl who'd catch phrases, Hey,

fellas, stop hitting me.

Hope we're not working you too hard there, Phil.

Oh, are you kidding?

This is nothing.

Now, the James Carville, Mary Madeline party, there was a fiasco. The Democrats

said I'd given away too many gifts. The Republicans said I'd not given away

enough. It was chaos.

And that's not enough. They tried to give me a copy of their damn book as a

But as bad as that is, you have somehow managed to top it.

Red punch again, Miles?

slash the party budget. And hey, this punch is strawberry, not cranberry.

There's a huge difference, Phil.

Hi, this is Murphy Brown from FYI.

We're doing a story on your Power Ninja Demon doll, and what we need is an

actual doll to use in our segment.

What? You gave the last one away to Jane Pauly?

Oh, please.

You think she actually wants it for a story? She's just going to give it to

kid. You fell for the oldest trick in the... Hello?

Wait, no.

I'll even take the orange one early.

This one has my name on it.

This one is just the perfect capper. You get some really nice chips and I get

some plummy old omelettes. Oh, well, I'm sure this is nothing really. Ah, it's a

plaque.

We don't swim in your toilet. Please don't pee in our pool.

It's delightful.

And I'm sure if I had a pool, I would display this prominently.

like all the gifts have been given out. Maybe my secret Santa forgot me.

Oh, right.

Here, Miles.

Happy holidays.

Hey, Murph, I just made some calls, and I found out there is a delivery of Power

Ninja Demons arriving at Brenneman's Toy Store later tonight.

Well, what are we waiting for, Frank? Let's go.

Oh, come on. I just got here.

So, is everybody ready to rock?

Rockin' the...

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Coming through.

Watch your back.

Phone in order.

Excuse me. I've got a reservation.

All right.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm here.

Oh, yes, I understand you've got a shipment of Power Ninja Demon toys in,

need one, so if you'd just give it to me. What do you think we're all here

Yeah, but you see, my kid really, really wants one.

Back of the line, please.

Oh, no, that's not fair, because unlike these people who procrastinated, I just

found out about this ninja thing recently.

You heard her. Back to the line.

Oh, man, I had a park a mile away. Look at all these people.

Hey, you don't suppose they're all here for the Power Ninja Demon, do you? No,

Frank, they're participating in that charity event, Hands Across the Toy

Of course that's... You know...

fun it is to help you with things. Look, I want to just check out the rest of

the store.

Oh, that's a good idea. You know, sometimes a piece of merchandise will

hidden under something else so someone can come back later and pick it up when

it's on sale.

Not that I have ever done that.

May I have your attention, please?

I've got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is the delivery man is on his way.

The bad news is he only has 20 dolls.

So the rest of you are just wasting your time.

Thank you for shopping at Brenneman's Toys.

Merch, your problems are stopped.

You got a Power Ninja Demon?

Even better.

Tough Guy Man.

You see, he's tough, and he's a guy, and he looks almost exactly like a Power

Ninja Demon.

Tough Guy Man? Yeah, you see, you probably haven't heard about him

know, they don't have the marketing dollars that... Tough Guy Man!

All right, we'll let you know.

We did a story on these toys a couple of weeks ago, and it turns out that

they're chock full of lead.

They couldn't have more lead in them. They're just little bundles of poison is

what they are, basically.

Hey, Murp, Murp, this time, this time I hit the jackpot.

It's a little bit different, but I think he's going to like it even more than a

Power Ninja Demon.

This better be good, Frank.

Oh, it is. Get ready, because you are about to get a visit from Mr.

Big Thumb.

These things, they are hours of fun.

You can pretend you're hitchhiking.

Or you can pretend you get hit with a hammer.

Oh, yes, yes, he is really big. He's not a finger, he's just... I'll go put this

back.

Attention, everyone.

I just noticed that the maximum occupancy of this room is 250 people.

Now, there are... a lot more of you in here than that.

If you would just file out in an orderly fashion the front of the line first.

I'm not kidding, people. We have a situation on our hands here.

Hey, Murph.

Murph.

What is it this time, Frank?

Video games.

Video games? Avery doesn't play video games. No, no. These are from me. I've

been searching for them for weeks.

Can't you be happy for me for just one second?

Oh. Forget it, Frank.

It's just as well. I mean, look at me. What am I teaching Avery? That you can't

have a good Christmas unless you've got the right gift?

Come on, let's get out of here.

It's him, the delivery man!

Oh, yes!

Here we go.

I knew it.

You find the right bulb, the whole thing lights up.

Yeah, whatever.

Hey, where's your holiday? a spirit.

I left it at Brennerman's toy store along with three buttons and a fistful

hair.

You're lucky.

You know, when Eldon was little, me and the other mothers got into a kick fight

over the last Ed Kooky Burns grooming kid at Kresge's.

I had blurred vision for a week.

I know.

It's just that it's his first Santa and his first Santa's gonna disappoint him.

I mean, he's going to find out soon enough that he can't get a lot of what

wants in life.

I was hoping I could keep that from him at least until he got his second set of

teeth. Don't be so hard on yourself. You did your best.

Besides, Avery's getting something much better than a power ninja demon.

Where did you get him? I'll buy it off you.

I'm talking about a mother who loves him enough to fight it out in a toy store

just to make his Christmas a little bit better.

If you ask me, that's the best present Avery could ever have.

Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa.

Avery, Merry Christmas.

Yes, Lord, sweetie. Santa came and he brought a bunch of presents.

Avery, remember, sweetie, half of the joy of Christmas is unwrapping your

presents, not necessarily what's in them.

Yes,

we're going to do it in the catalog, remember?

Oh,

well, sweetie.

Santa Claus has what's called a back order, which means that you'll get your

ninja demon in two or three weeks.

Provided that the elf with a bad attitude took mommy's order correctly.

Oh, look, Avery, I think Santa hid a present right there for you.

sit through that whole speech about the best gift Avery could ever have, and you

had this the whole time?

I wish I could claim the credit, but it wasn't me.

Look, it's... Oh, Avery, it's... It's a demon.

Heard these are big in the States. Here in Spain, they can't give them away.

I'd like one. Love, Eldon.

Wow, he really seems to love it.

But the night before Christmas,

when all through the house, not a Democrat was stirring.

Not even to grouse.

their suitcases packed in a mood of despair, knowing Newt and his cronies

would be there.

Health care and Head Start were all put to bed while visions of school prayers

danced in their head.

Out, Losty. Out, Foley. Out, Richards and Cuomo. Now back in the closets, you

soldiers who were well, you know.

From the top of the hill, they shout, will not fail to take back the White

with Sonny Bono and Quayle.

Check the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la.

Tis the season to be jolly. Fa la la la la la la la.

Chorus. Fa la la.