Original subtitles

with my story today is my good friend.

I said my good friend. Uh, Mr. Dog.

Anyway, today's story is about a cat named Fillory who tries to carry her

full of universal health care past the big, dumb, weenie dogs who live in a

house called Cupboard. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What kind of story is this?

What's the matter with it? Well, aside from being derivative and simplistic,

it's way too literal.

Well, let's just see what our audience thinks, shall we? Excellent idea.

Well, it's a good thing he hasn't learned to throw tomatoes yet.

Wow, close before we even open. I feel like Faye Dunaway in Sunset Boulevard.

That's showbiz.

Hey, big man. Come on, how would you like to get some cocoa and graham

huh? Were you aware that after bad reviews, Euripides himself binged on the

exact same thing?

Hi there.

Oh, my boy, oh, boy, will you look at this place.

I mean, I knew you would have a lot of good stuff, but this is... Can I help

you? Look at the ceiling.

That mural, it's a mess.

I'd get a better look.

Oh, baby, what are you doing? Get the hell off my floor. I thought that we

discussed the lipstick marks on the milk cart. Oh, my God, you killed someone.

If you think that I'm going to dig the hole... Alton?

Ma?

Alton! Ma!

Alton.

Why doesn't this surprise me?

This is my mother, Rena Wernicke.

Hello, Mrs. Bernicke. Nice to meet you. Please, who's Mrs.

Bernicke? Call me Ma.

Okay, sure.

Ma, what are you doing here?

Oh, God, who's sick?

Who lost their job?

Who needs a transfusion of the very rare Bernicke blood?

I only have the one kidney left, you know.

Relax. Nothing is wrong.

You must be so tired from your trip.

Where are you staying?

Well, where else but with you.

I just have to freshen up a little, then we can go.

Down the hall and to your right.

Well, I just... I can't believe you're really here.

Oh, man, you've got to get me out of this.

She cannot stay with me. Excuse me?

Aren't you the man who had an entire troop of Chinese acrobats stay at your

apartment for a month?

Yeah, but they slept in the tub and kept it themselves.

Look, if you must know, I'm working on a brand new series of paintings at my

place.

Nudes.

All right, they're self -portraits.

Now, look, I know that it's not anything she hasn't seen before, but...

She hasn't seen it in a long time.

Okay, okay, I get the picture.

So why don't you put her up at a hotel?

Oh, if it were only that simple.

You know, the Bernikes have always had a very strange and irrational fear of

hotels. We think it dates back to 3rd century Bulgaria.

Something about a chamber pot, three sickly goats, and the mysterious

disappearance of a hunched -back serving wench.

Uh -huh. So what are you going to do with her?

Well, I... Oh, no, Eldon.

You know how I feel about houseguests. I don't even like sharing my lane on the

highway.

It would only be for a couple of days.

You can consider a repayment for the time I drove through that hurricane to

indulge your rather unfortunate Big Mac attack.

Okay, okay, she can stay. But for the record, it was a tornado, and it was a

Taco Bell run for the border.

drip. I happen to be pretty handy with a toolbox, but then you'd have to be when

your late husband was the super of a four -story walk -up.

Oh, God love him, but the man couldn't climb out of his underpants without

breaking a sweat.

Is it his drywall?

Never mind that. She has something that she would like to ask you, and I don't

think you're going to like it.

Mrs. Bernicke, I... Ma.

I have a lot more space than Eldon, so why don't you stay here in the guest

room? No,

no, absolutely not. And we are insulted that you would even make such an offer.

Mom, I'm very sorry that you had to hear that.

Okay, in that case... However, if a greater insult will be visited upon you

our refusal, well then, reluctantly, we must accept.

I'll take your bags upstairs.

Either you owe him a favor or he's been painting those nudie pictures of himself

again.

Remember once. Ellen, have you seen my keys?

I could have sworn they were in my purse, but now I... Ow!

Ellen!

He took Avery to the park.

Boy, he wasn't kidding about that set of pipes on you.

Look. I made flimkin.

It's an old Bernanke specialty, which loosely translated means pig's bowel.

But I think that's mainly because of the shape. Can I cut you a piece?

No, no, thanks. I'd like to know what happened to my living room.

Ah, amazing, isn't it? It's got a lot more, uh, what do you call, flow.

I don't know who your decorator was, but they obviously didn't know the meaning

of the word flow.

I didn't have a decorator.

You're telling me.

Now, how about that flimkin? No, I don't want any flimkin. I want a... Great, my

carpool's here. Jim throws a fit if I'm late, and you try to save time by

shaving your legs in the car, and oh, fine.

Jim Dial is out there? Oh, I would love...

To meet him?

I'm sure he'd love to meet you, too. Except this really is you.

Hello. Come on in. No, no, no. Don't come in. Just stay in the car. I need to

get my keys. Don't get out.

Oh, God. They're getting out of the car.

This is so exciting. I hope I look all right.

What is it this time, Murph? You all... Hey.

What'd you do to your living room? This looks terrific.

This is Ellen's mother. She's staying with me for a few days. Rena Bernicke,

FYI. Oh, hey,

I found my keys. We can go. Wait a minute.

Do I smell flimkin?

Just make some up, Fred. Would you like a little? Maybe another time. We really

have to get going. Here we go.

There's a piece for you.

And you.

And I don't want to forget you.

And I have a nice...

big piece for you.

So, Miss Merricky, what all do you have planned for your stay here in

Washington? There is so much to see and do here. You should get out and see the

city. Well, actually, there is one thing.

I've always wanted to see how you put together a show.

I mean, you know, what goes on behind the scenes. It sounds so interesting.

Well, you know what? In fact, it's actually pretty dull.

It's dull, dull, dull. Great idea. We could show you around the studio. Hey,

don't you come along with us right now? Absolutely. Well, you know, Maz, I think

Corky's car is already a little crowded as it is.

Come on, Murph. There's always room for one more.

Well, I doubt she wants to be packed in like a sardine. Frank, I don't think you

want to be packed in like a sardine, do you? No, really, nobody does, right,

guys?

Hey there, you must be Murphy's new secretary.

Nice try doing that look -alike bit, but you are not fooling anybody, fella. You

got a little five o 'clock shadow right there.

Bad enough I've been chased out of my office by Lena, the pumpkin queen.

Hey, Ma.

Hi, Frankie. Is there another sock out here? Oh, there's one.

Oh, gee.

It works.

That's a pretty color on you.

I can't take it anymore, Frank. The woman is driving me nuts.

I kind of like her. She fixed my button.

Look, if she's really bothering you that much, just go in there and tell her to

stop. I would, except I've been trying to get maintenance to fix those shelves

for years.

If she pops her head out again, tell her I need those pants back by Friday.

Happy New Year.

I have to tell you that... Rita isn't like you.

Not you too, Jim. I was sure you'd be more annoyed by her than I am.

Oh, true. She's been a tad attentive.

But let's face it. The embarrassment of being called sweet cheeks in front of

the boys in the mail room is a small price to pay for a hot towel shave this

close. Oh,

Murphy. I gotta go home and start dinner. Now, don't forget, I'm making

something special for you and Eldon tonight.

Oh, goody.

When you go back into your office, don't mind the fumes.

Although, if your eyes start stinging, rush to the nearest sink and induce

vomiting.

Oh, God.

I just had a horrible thought.

She's a Bernicke. Maybe once you get them in your house, they never leave.

Who, Rena? I like her. She kind of reminds me of my Nana Silverberg.

The flanken.

She must put something in the flanken.

I'll tell you one thing. She sure is proud of her son. When I was showing her

around the studio, it was Eldon this and Eldon that. Oh, by the way, if you need

a few days off to look for a new nanny, do it now, because I will not be able to

spare you later on.

What? I just thought you might want to get a jump on it, you know, with Eldon

leaving and moving to Spain and studying painting, and you don't know what I'm

talking about, do you? Is that my car for a minute?

All right, start talking, Miles.

Tell me exactly what she said.

You know, now that I think about it... She might not have been talking about

Eldon. Does she have another son named Sheldon? Miles?

Meldon? Miles!

Okay, all right.

She said that Eldon was invited to Spain to study with some mural artist, Diego

Garcia, and that he was definitely going to do it because he can't be a nanny

the rest of his life.

Eldon?

I'm sorry.

From the way she was talking, I thought for sure you knew.

kill him.

Eldon, where are you?

Eldon! I wonder if it's possible for paint to actually curdle.

Okay, Eldon, let's have it. When exactly were you planning to tell me?

Well, I didn't think I had to.

But if you want me to put your furniture back the way it was, I mean, that's no

skin off my nose.

Masway does have a vastly superior flow. Forget about the furniture, Eldon. I'm

talking about your quitting. About your going to Spain to study painting with

this Diego Garcia guy?

Diego Garcia?

Isn't this someone you're supposed to call when you start hitting the hooch

again?

Are you telling me you've never heard of this guy, Garcia?

Oh, what are you kidding? He's probably only the greatest muralist alive today.

I mean, uh...

Studying with him would be like, well, you studying with, uh... Geez, I'm

to think of the world's biggest pain -in -the -butt journalist, but... You're

probably it, huh?

Well, if you're not leaving, why did your mother tell Miles that you were...

What?

Miles!

I don't know who cleans your kitchen, but you should hang on to them.

The pans, the oven, the stove. It's like none of that stuff has ever been used.

Ma, did you tell somebody that I was quitting my job and moving to Spain to

study painting with Diego Garcia?

Let me think.

Ma, why would you do something like that? Why would you just make something

like that?

I didn't make it up.

You always used to talk about it.

He even wrote Mr. Garcia a letter saying he would do anything, even take out his

garbage, just for the chance to watch him paint.

Is that true, Eldon? You wrote him a letter?

Well, like eight years ago. It was just a stupid fantasy.

I mean, I didn't even send a damn thing.

No, but I did.

I was gonna wait and save this until after dinner.

He wrote back, Eldon.

He finally wrote back.

Apparently, if you're a genius, you don't have to show the courtesy of a

reply.

Diego Garcia wants me to come paint with him.

Let me see that.

And he doesn't mention a word about emptying his garbage.

So I would just shush about it when you get there.

Isn't this great?

Great that...

No, no, it's not great. I can't go to Spain.

Well, what are you talking about? That's what you always wanted. Well, maybe it

was, but not now. I've got responsibilities here.

All right, I understand.

Avery is a darling boy, and I know you care for him.

But you have to live your own life.

I mean, it's not like he's your child.

He's not, is he? No.

Just checking.

Look, I'm sure Murphy will find another nanny. I could even fill in for a month

or two until she's done. Oh, no, it's okay, really.

No, no, don't you worry about it. I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right

here.

But, Alvin... No, no, there's no buts about it. Now, I don't want to hear

another word about it. That's it.

Sorry about that.

No, it's okay.

I was just wondering how I'd ever replace you.

I mean, I can be a pretty hard person to please.

The devil, you say?

I can't help thinking, though. It must be pretty hard to pass up a dream like

that.

Well, you know, I also wanted to marry that blonde gold digger on the Dean

Martin show.

I'm good over that.

You know, I... I don't know what my mother was thinking.

Oh, she was just trying to be a good mother.

I'd like to think I'd do the same thing for Avery.

Yeah.

I don't believe I'm saying this, Eldon, but... I think you should go.

Oh, come on. Not you two.

You haven't been eating her flimkin, have you?

Look.

You know, it's not like me to put the needs of others before my own.

The last time I did it was when I gave that cab to that woman in labor, and

then I made her drop me off first, so... When I tell you you should do it, I

think you should go. Well, forget it.

I'm not doing it. When I took this job, I said that I would stay here until it

was finished. That's what I promised you, and a Bernicke does not break a

promise. It's okay, Eldon.

You can leave with a clear conscience. We'll be fine. I've got lots of work to

do here. There's the mural in the upstairs bathroom.

I have to redo the living room. There's the bedrooms.

I have to repaint the den, the kitchen. It's sort of like painting the Golden

Gate Bridge. When you get to the end, you realize you just have to start all

over again.

Then there's touch -ups. There's always touch -ups. And I cannot understand how

a person with only ten fingers could leave so many fingerprints.

What am I even wasting my time for? I mean, I just have a lot of work to do.

Ellen, you're fired.

Oh, get out of here.

Get out of here.

You're serious.

Hi, old man.

Hey.

Oh.

Packing up, I see.

Yep.

Well, I won't keep you.

You probably have a lot of that to do.

I mean, six and a half years on one job. That's a lot of packing up.

Done.

Oh, you're done.

How could you be done?

Well, I have to be. My plane leaves in a little while.

Oh.

That would be the, uh...

It's plain to Spain.

Good thing it's not raining because, you know, the plain to Spain falls mainly

in the rain.

Yeah.

Oh, listen, there's something I should tell you.

Yes, Eldon?

There's some wet paint in the hallway. I touched up the hall cabinets.

Oh.

Eldon, listen, I... Okay.

I know he said our goodbyes already. I tried to tell him that, but he forced me

to bring him out here at crayon point.

Just coming to tuck you in there, big man.

Yeah,

remember?

Remember we talked about this?

I'm going to school.

And this school, it's very far away.

But I'm going to send you a lot of letters.

And I'm going to come see you as soon as I can.

Okay? Uh -huh.

And while I'm gone, would you do a favor for me?

I want you to listen to your mom.

Because, believe it or not, she actually does know what she's talking about.

Okay. Bye -bye,

big man.

Alvin, listen to me. When you get over there...

Don't eat the tacos. You don't know what they put in those things.

That's Mexican food, Mom. I'm going to Spain.

Oh, in that case, knock yourself out.

I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you.

Okay, come on, Avery.

I'll show you how to take apart a refrigerator.

Putting it back together, that's the hard part.

It's going to be great with him, you know.

She did okay with you.

Oh, you're not going to get all mushy on me, are you?

Yeah, pretty much.

Well... I guess this is it.

Yeah, I guess it is.

When I first saw this place, man, it was really a mess.

The faceboards were all rotted and the walls were warped.

The ceiling, forget about it.

Well, it took me a little longer than I thought.

Okay, a lot longer.

But you know what?

i think i did some pretty good work here you did great work here miracles

There's a spot by the door that's been bugging the hell out of me. I could just

push that up real quick.

Bye, Elton.

I'll tell you what.

I'll get it the next time.

Are you tired of doing stuff?

Yes! Then watch Easy TV Summer. It's four effortless hours of your favorite

followed by four equally effortless hours of your other favorite show. Let

make it sound easy. Easy TV Summer starts this Tuesday at 10 only on Nick

Night.