Original subtitles

Something is wrong with my baby.

Something is wrong with me.

The records show that I attempted to continue the story meeting after you

called upstairs, but what were my appeals to honor and duty in the face of

budding circus career of Merkle the Clown?

Oh, well.

What was the big problem, those networks? What was the word you used,

Boneheads. Boneheads. Those networks you wanted to talk to me about.

They're canceling the Banana Squad.

What? And it had all the elements.

Wit, sophistication, an orangutan that could make armpit noises.

This isn't funny.

We've got a crisis here.

Starting next week, FYI will be replacing the Banana Squad on Saturday

What? A new magazine show called The Next Wave will be taking over our

night squad.

How can they dump us on Saturday night? I spent the entire company picnic

sucking up to those bozos and programming.

Five geeky drunk guys and me playing hacky sack in the field. Oh yeah,

happen again real soon.

Saturday nights.

You know what our audience will consist of now, don't you?

Babysitters and convicts.

Half of our viewers will be raiding the refrigerator while the other half is

fashioning shivs out of ballpoint pens.

Why would they move us, Miles?

We always win our time period. Our demographics are solid.

Okay, so maybe Murphy doesn't test well in the South, but I still say it's

nothing, a little late, and appearance on the 700 Club can't fix it.

Miles, what are our options here?

I don't know. I tried everything with those guys.

Talking didn't work. Shouting didn't work.

I think I would have cried.

Crying definitely didn't work.

This is unacceptable.

We have poured 17 years of blood, sweat, and tears into that time slot.

I say we don't have to stand for this. I say we band together.

I say we take action. Yes.

What are you planning to do, Murphy?

Well, my first impulse was a stink bomb in the washroom, but I don't know, that

seems so 80s.

You know, I... I think I'm just going to go up there and talk to those guys

myself. Tony Lucchese is the head of programming, right? Yeah, he is, Murph.

you sure you're the right person for the job?

Oh, come on, Frank. You don't think he's still angry about the salad incident,

do you?

The salad incident required six operations and two months of intensive

rehabilitation, so yes, I still think he's angry about the salad incident.

My fork slipped. And anyway, it was my plate, my cherry tomato, and his hand

no business being there in the first place. You know, we do have another

here.

Now you're talking, Frank.

But the trick will be getting 12 network executives to drive down to the

country, stripped of their underwear, and count to ten while we push their

into a swamp.

No, sir.

What we have here requires a completely different strategy.

Lucchese and I are both Sicilians.

We're both from the street.

I'm going to go up there right now and have a nice little conversation.

A little...

Conversation. Are you insane, Lopez? You have to do it at once.

Listen, you guys have to trust me. This is something that only I can do. It

can't hurt, Murphy. I say we give the man a chance.

All right, Frank, if you think you can do it.

I'll give him both. You can do it.

So you say we drive these fellas out to the country?

How can they take away our Wednesday night?

We're like little birds.

Wednesday night is our nest.

We've placed our eggs there.

Now those thieving magpies from the next wave are going to be sitting on our

eggs.

They're going to break our eggs.

I want their stinking tail feathers off our eggs.

Hey, sorry to hear about the move. Thank you, Bill.

Well, if it's any consolation, it's at this very table that Chet Huntley

told me that the network brain thrusts had decided to reschedule his show.

Yeah, it really looked like he was about to stop earning that old weekly

paycheck. So what did you tell him?

Well, I looked the man straight in the eye and I said, pay up your borrow bill,

deadbeat. You think I'm giving these drinks away?

Oh, here's Frank. Sit down.

So how'd it go up there, Frank?

Well, it was, uh... Interesting.

So did you have any luck?

Um...

Sort of. Oh, my gosh. You got our time slot back?

Uh, no. But you'll find out when we will get our time slot back.

Uh, not exactly.

So what the hell did go on up there, Frank?

Hey, Nick's Flavors, there's the band.

Yeah, we can't have a story meeting without our new lead anchors. Exactly.

You know, I really want your take on that Pentagon. The Pentagon.

tired of doing stuff? Yes!

Then watch Easy TV Summer. It's four effortless hours of your favorite show

followed by four equally effortless hours of your other favorite show. Well,

make it sound easy. Easy TV Summer starts this Tuesday at 10 only on Nick

Night.

Burlington Cult Factory's biggest store -wide summer clearance sale is on now.

Save 40 to 70 % I can't believe this.

You don't just yank a reporter off one show and Nick him on another without

telling the executive producer.

This network is like a viper den.

And we're all innocent little field mice.

No, we're little birds.

We are little birds and field mice.

In the service, we knew how to deal with Frank's kind.

The fellows would wait until light's out, and then he'd be short -sheeted to

within an inch of his life.

Maybe this isn't what it looks like. Maybe Frank didn't jump ship. Maybe he

didn't betray us.

Maybe we owe him a chance to explain himself.

So what the hell happened up there, you two -timing weasel? What is going on,

Frank? Guys, you've got it wrong here. Funny, that's what Private Tip said

before we swapped the latrine with his head.

Look, I am not leaving FYI.

You're not? No.

Sure sounded that way in Phil's. No.

So you're not joining the next wave?

Oh, yeah, that I'm doing. Quick, somebody grab his ankle. Would you guys

let me explain?

Now, I went straight up to Lucchese's office and I let him have it.

I told him that I thought his idea was idiotic and I was not going to let him

take our time slot, turn it over to a bunch of inexperienced hot dog

And you know what?

He agreed with me.

He agreed with you?

I said all that and he threw a ceramic turtle at me.

I should have never opened my mouth because suddenly Lucchese gets it in his

head that I'm the solution to his show's problems.

I'm... The steady hand that's going to guide the ship. I'm the missing piece to

the puzzle.

Can you believe that?

It's getting harder.

Look, I do not need this job. It's going to be twice the work, twice the

headache. Oh, there goes my trip to Cabo.

I make you all a solemn vow right now.

FYI will always be my number one priority.

Oh, damn them.

Could we just get on with the story?

Okay.

Corky?

Want to kick things off?

I want to do a piece on diet centers.

You know how they suck you in with their sales pitches and then force you to buy

all your food from them? Hey, I like that.

What is it, Frank? Oh, it's nothing. It's just that Helen's working on the

story upstairs and she's got a big jump on you. I mean, she's already lost all

of her water weight.

Jim, any ideas for your next commentary?

I'm thinking of tackling the Middle East this week. You know how the talks have

fared thus far, prospects... Ouch!

Oh,

Jim, we're planning to do a piece on the very same topic. I wouldn't want it to

look like you're ripping us off, but hey, really, that is your call.

Murphy!

I'm doing a piece on mandatory prison sentencing.

What?

Frank wouldn't go. You'd run with that one. Oh, gee, thanks, Frank.

Frank,

can I see you in my office? Right in the middle of now.

Okay, Frank. I know, I know.

I know there's still a few kinks to be worked out, which show gets which story,

blah, blah, blah. But the important thing is I'm going to be lead anchor.

I'm going to be doing interviews just like you. Isn't that great? And look at

this jacket. The sleeves, they are like butter. Yes, that's great butter. And

you know what, Murph? I owe it all to you, really. How many times?

that I come in here wondering if I would ever catch that break that would take

me on to the next level. And you would always say the same thing. Be patient,

Frank. Give it time, Frank. It'll all work out, Frank. Well, you know what,

Murph? It did. You were right. You were right. You were just the greatest.

Oh, God.

Oh, this is crazy. Look at me. I'm actually crying here.

Oh, God.

So... Was there anything else you wanted to say?

I... I just wanted to tell you how happy I am for you, Frank.

Really, really, really happy.

I meant what I said.

I owe this all to you.

Hey, where's my face going up here?

Oh, gee, is that you? I thought I grabbed Newt Gingrich.

But you know, Frank, I was just wondering, have you thought this all

I mean, say you go on the next wave and it's a huge hit. And it will be, Murph.

I can feel it in my bones. Okay, what then?

What if the network won't give FYI its time slot back? Oh, come on. That'll

never happen. Look, we should get out. And if FYI stays on Saturday nights,

Frank, it dies.

It dies, Frank.

It dies. It dies. And we all die along with it.

Oh.

Oh, man.

How could I not see this? I am such an idiot.

Good. You've acknowledged the problem. We can move on from there.

You're jealous.

I got asked to do the next wave. You didn't, and you can't stand that.

Trust me, Frank.

Jealousy has nothing to do with this.

Anger. Anger. This is killing you, isn't it? You know, you're happy when I'm

harmless little Frank Fontana field reporter.

But suddenly, I get just a little bit of the spotlight. I creep a teeny bit too

close to your turf. Not to mention the fact that when the network needed

to anchor their hot...

Young news show.

Someone the kids could plug into. They called me.

Oh, this just pushes all your buttons, doesn't it?

Oh, grow up. You really think the kids are going to tune in to watch Snoop,

Frankie, Frank rap with the Beastie Boys?

I don't even know why I'm wasting my breath. You're jealous of me, you're

threatened by me, and you'll do everything in your power to bring me

Thanks a lot, friend. Thank you for the support.

Fine, fine.

Screw your friend. Screw FYI, you rat, but you know what?

Threes aren't real suede.

Later.

Biddy biddy bow bow.

I was going more bobby my man.

Biddy biddy bow bow.

I tell you, it's really, it's a pretty funny story.

We were over there in the hills.

Oh, then he comes up to a... Never mind.

Good morning, people.

I just had a meeting with the brass upstairs.

They're wacky guys, that brass upstairs.

Oh, yes, they are.

Wacky, wacky, wacky. So where do they want to stick us now, Miles? Saturday

morning? You know, the network's getting its butt kicked by the Muppet babies.

Well, perhaps they might get Frank to help them out. He can play a rat band.

The superpower is dressing in a fake suede jacket and stabbing his friends in

the back.

Actually, actually, they asked if we'd do them a favor.

Ironic, huh?

Them asking us for a favor? That's like the lions asking the Christians if they

could have a ride to the airport.

So what do those network boneheads want from us now, Miles?

Actually, actually, they want Murphy to interview Frank on the air. Like I said,

wacky, huh?

Did that come out of me?

Look, Miles, I'm not sure that's a good idea. I'll do it.

You'll do it?

Yeah, I'll do it.

This is great.

Wait till I tell the boneheads.

Well, that was strange.

Strange, Frank?

Well, she hands it off fast, don't you think?

No, not especially. It is her job.

Well, I know, but usually if she's upset about something or someone, she might

find a way to take revenge against that person.

You know?

Make them look like an idiot on national television.

You know, people change, Frank.

They do things you may not expect.

Yeah, you're probably right. Sure, Murphy's a professional.

When the woman is told to do something, she does it. And who knows? Maybe she'll

come around.

Maybe she's okay with this. I think so.

Or maybe she'll just sprout wings and fly south for the winter. Maybe she'll

herself in breadcrumbs and learn to play the piccolo.

You know, I have a good feeling that Murphy's going to come through for me on

this.

Benedict Arnold.

Traitors all.

Men who, deluded by gain or glory, turned their backs on their compatriots

pursuit of their own perverted goals and lustful ambitions.

Would we could wipe the world clean of their vile scourge.

Coming up, Frank Fontana talks with Murphy Brown about his latest career

And we're clear.

Uh, Frank, I'm gonna need you over here.

Shame on you, Jim.

the most famous traitor of them all, Julius Assyrius.

And he hanged himself, too, so it even had a happy ending.

You see any pictures?

Oh, John Junior.

Oh, that's great. How is the little guy?

Oh, he's great.

We're just waiting for him to start asking those typical three -year -old

questions. Daddy, why don't you have a job anymore? Daddy, why are you crying

all the time? Daddy, why do we have to eat squirrel again tonight?

Hello?

Hi. So, ready for the interview?

Ready? Why wouldn't I be ready? What are you planning on asking me?

Look, Frank, you can stop worrying.

I've thought this over, and as far as I'm concerned, you're doing that other

show as a dead issue. Really, Murph? Really. Oh, that's great, because I was

getting nervous.

15 seconds, people.

Okay, this is going to go as planned.

Jim introduces you, you introduce Frank, you do the thing, then you're back to

Jim. Got it?

Wait a second.

What's the thing? The thing, Frank, in all the interviews. No, wait a minute.

said, you do the thing, and then you said, I'm ready, almost as if you'd

rehearsed something. What?

What's going on here? All right, we're back live in five, four, three, two.

Welcome back.

In our next segment, our own Frank Fontana stares into the jaws of death as

sits in Murphy Brown's hot seat.

Thank you, Jim.

Next week, viewers will be getting a double dose of Frank Fontana when, in

addition to his investigative work on FYI, he takes charge of the network's

latest magazine show, The Next Wave.

Frank, welcome.

You're welcome.

So, The Next Wave premieres next week at 9 o 'clock. Care to give our viewers

some idea of what they can expect to see when they tune in your show?

Well... That depends on what you mean by expect.

Expect can have a lot of different meanings.

I mean, expect, envision, foresee, anticipate, you know. No, I don't know.

What are you driving at?

Well, the format of the next wave, could you describe it for us?

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, I can.

Uh -huh. So you're saying the format of the next wave will be... I don't believe

I'm saying anything.

Yes, I'm well aware of that.

But the next wave is a new show, right?

Yes. Well, that is to say we'll be doing new segments.

Different ones every week. Really? Different stories?

No, no. When I say different, I mean different from each other. I don't mean

different in the sense of weird or unconventional.

Not that our stories will be conventional, no. As a matter of fact,

going to be way out there.

But not so far out there that the normal viewer of FYI would come to watch. No,

really, the more I think about it, the more they're going to be exactly like

FYI, but different.

Can I have a little glass of water, please?

Well, thank you for joining us, Frank.

I'm sure your show is destined for success, and all your colleagues here at

wish you nothing but the very best. What exactly do you mean by that?

handle herself pretty well.

Really, Phil?

Absolutely.

By the way, here's your bar bill.

Cash will be fine.

Frank, I'm looking all over for you.

Oh, yeah. I bet you were.

Okay, let's get this over with.

Congratulations. You won.

I won? What are you talking about?

You're not going to be happy until you hear me say it, are you? Okay.

FYI is not moving anywhere. They're yanking the next wave to retool it

me. Oh, geez, Frank, I'm sorry.

Why? Are you plan worked out perfectly?

Lucchese said watching me try to answer those stupid questions of yours was like

watching a man get his neck snapped. Only half is fun.

I think that last part was a joke.

How could you do this to me, Murph?

talking about?

That interview, those questions.

You hung me out to dry.

Oh, please. I was tossing you nothing but softball questions. Exactly. That

the last thing I expected and you knew it. I wasn't trying to screw you over. I

was trying to help you.

Oh, I see you were trying to help me.

What? I was.

Don't get me wrong. I thought about screwing you over.

I even wrote down a whole bunch of other questions.

Really, really horrible questions.

I don't know. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I guess I just really wanted what was best for you.

You did?

We're friends.

Oh, man.

What is wrong with me?

I completely blew this.

I finally get my shot.

Not only do I fall flat on my face, I step all over everybody else doing it.

Hey, we didn't exactly help.

I mean, here you get this big break, and what do we do?

We call you a traitor, even though you sort of were one.

We call you a jerk, even though you sort of acted like one.

Could we please skip to the part where you try to make me feel better?

That was the part.

Oh, all right, Frank.

It'll work out, Frank. Just give it time, Frank. Be patient, Frank.

You always know what to say.

Listen, I don't suppose that you'd let me have a look at one of those questions

because, man, I tell you, I was ready for you. I don't know. I think it's

better. Oh, come on, Murph. What do you say? Just one?

Oh, all right.

Yo!

It looks like I was screwed either way, huh?

Yeah, pretty much.

Are you tired of doing stuff?

Yes! Then watch Easy TV Summer. It's four effortless hours of your favorite

followed by four equally effortless hours of your other favorite show. Let

make it sound easy. Easy TV Summer starts this Tuesday at 10, only on Nick

Night.