Original subtitles

My love is strong, you see, I know you'll never get tired of me.

Oh, baby. So old.

Oh, baby.

And now I'm gonna use every trick in the book. I'll try my best to get your

hood.

Hey, baby. Take me, I'm yours.

Consideration in the category of shameless self -promotion, the winner is

Fontana for the seventh day in a row.

Great job, Frank. And the airbrushed chest hair is a really nice target.

Another ad.

Oh, Frank, this is really getting pathetic. I told you I paid for those

weeks ago. It was too late to cancel them.

Now that I'm not nominated, I just look ridiculous.

Sure, now that you're not nominated.

Hey, taking back the speech was the best piece of my career. It's not my fault

my name wasn't on the ballot.

Oh, right.

Somebody else screwed up and sent your entry form to the electric company and a

check for $10 .11 to the Humboldt Committee.

Give it up!

Frank. I am sorry, but I took a bullet for that story.

And shouldn't this kind of stuff be Miles' job anyway?

Oh, not this again.

Frank, do you have any idea the number of things I am responsible for on a

basis? FYI, sales are long like a duck on the water. But who's the little pair

of webbed feet below that have to keep it all afloat? You are.

Damn right. So lay off. I'm paddling as hard as I can.

You know, Frank, just because we have these big fancy jobs doesn't mean we

fill out an entry form ourselves and get to the right place.

Marky and I did it, and we both got nominated.

Yeah, but you know, even if I had sent my entry form to the electric company, I

bet I still would have been nominated, because I am just that good.

Morning, all. Hey, Jim. You were at the Humboldt meeting last night. Was there

any discussion about me?

Why, yes.

A rather lengthy one as to whether your current media blitz would cheapen the

reputation of the Humboldts forever.

Half thought it would, while the other half claimed you'd replaced Family

as their favorite morning chocolate.

Jim. I mean, did anyone say anything about my request for a write -in

nomination? Oh, no.

Maybe there's still time to cancel those Frank Fontana muffin baskets.

While we're on the subject of the cum bolts, I'm pleased to announce that last

night yours truly was elected chairman of the judging committee.

Can't do it. No way.

Come now.

You think finding people to judge is easy? But Ted Koppel actually ran into a

ladies' room to avoid me.

But I didn't let that stop me.

I charged right in there.

And that's him and Cokie Roberts, too.

Well, don't you worry about me, Jim. I do it every year. It's a great way to

spend a Sunday. You get to meet all your peers, do the best this medium has to

offer, and you get a nifty little T -shirt.

Not to mention our complimentary deli spread.

So, Miles?

Gee, Jim. Jim, I'd love to help you out, but I gotta... You know, Jeff Zucker

signed up to judge.

Yes. Producer of the Today Show and an evening magazine. Yet he found the time.

Of course, he is a 28 -year -old wunderkind. 29.

He had a birthday September 12th.

Put me down. Put me down. Little weenie.

No, Jim, you don't want me. Really, I'm no good at judging things. When I get up

in the middle of the night with Avery and we watch Star Search, I never pick

this folks' model to win.

Murphy, let me remind you of a little story.

It's a story about a young, blonde, female journalist and a man who stopped

from doing a potentially embarrassing solo limbo at a certain inaugural ball.

Oh, no, Jim, not that story. You know I hate that story. The year was 1980.

The mood was gay. The night was young.

And then someone requested the Tally Man song.

Don't do this to me. Come, Mr. Tally Man, Tally Meable Man. All right, all

right. I'll judge your stupid little humbles. But this is fair warning. Those

-shirts better be 100 % cotton before I walk.

Hey, Murphy. No.

Somebody really ought to knock that Kuralt down a peg. He was about to park

30 -foot Winnebago of his in the fire lane.

I mean, where am I supposed to park?

Guess what?

They've got me in informational programming.

And what lane category did 29 -year -old wunderkind Jeff Zucker get stuck in?

Best research.

You should have seen his face. He looked at least 33.

That's great, Miles, but you should have requested title sequences like I did.

The whole thing ought to take about 10 minutes tops.

ABC Evening News.

That's one.

Sixty minutes.

That's two.

That's me on my way to the Cap Center Motown Festival while you guys are still

here judging.

Hey,

Murph. Murph.

What are you doing here, Frank? You're not judging. The guy who did Taking Back

the Street does not take no for an answer. I'm not giving up, Murph. Can I

your signature right here?

Frank, this is a petition to redo the nominations in the category of

Achievement in Reporting.

That's my category. Why would I sign this?

Because with me not nominated, even if you win, you'll never know if you're the

real winner.

I can live with that.

Awards are just so important to you, aren't they? Not a pretty sight of

Murphy Brown, title sequences. You might want to give me my T -shirt now so it

doesn't slow me down on my way out.

Let's see. Murphy Brown.

Ah, here you are.

But not in title sequences. You've been reassigned.

What? You're judging special classification for outstanding

achievement.

Long form.

What? Oh, no. I didn't sign up for any doc... We're judging together.

Get on over here. We've got hours ahead of us. This is going to be so much fun.

Murphy, is this a hoot, us judging together?

Now take your seat right on the end next to me. Oh, great. That way when the

teacher's not looking, we can pass each other notes. And mine will say, I've

been screwed.

I'm not supposed to be here, Gorgie. I'm supposed to be in title sequences, but

those lousy fascists bump me. Boy, you miss one tiny decade of membership dues,

and they treat you like dirt.

Oh, you wouldn't have liked title sequences anyway. That one's over so

don't get to do any real judging.

You see this ticket?

Caps? Center Motown Festival, which is where I am supposed to be in three hours

and seat 2D with Peter next to me. If I'm not, I'm going to be very unhappy.

And I am rarely unhappy alone.

Now, Murphy, don't you think watching Humboldt -nominated documentaries is a

little more important than listening to a bunch of old has -been shalang -lang

-lang?

Gail Beck, I'm in research.

Hiya, Andy Mayborn, camera for 2020.

Well, I guess I need no introduction.

Fred Skolnitz.

Television pioneer.

What the hell with all of you?

Well, I'm Courtney Sherwood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just get this whole thing

over with. What have we got here?

Quilting in America. All right, we'll just pop this baby in here and we'll be

the road before the four tops do their sound check.

Murphy, what are you doing? We haven't even gone over the rules yet.

Okay, let's see. We don't need to do the credits.

This part is all just set up. A history of the Quakers. They're raising a barn.

I think we also witnessed, right?

I'm telling the proctor.

Oh, sit down. We don't need a proctor.

What seems to be the problem?

Oh, Jim's our proctor. My good friend, Jim. I'm just zooming through the

credits. You don't mind if we zoom, right?

I'm sorry, but rule 102 of the Humboldt bylaws clearly states that all program

material must be viewed, and that includes Crip. Told you.

But that'll take forever. And see, I was supposed to be in title sequences.

Murphy, you are a Humboldt winner.

Having received this honor, you of all people should understand the importance

of this sacred process. But I have backstage passes.

Dale! Dale!

All right, Jim. Geez, I thought you were my friend.

I'll tell you the same thing I told that jaywalking Billy McClure when I was a

crossing guard in the sixth grade. When I wear this badge, I have no friends.

Well, now that we've established I was right, let's start again.

From the beginning.

Murphy. Isn't this a lot more interesting than you thought, Murphy?

Murphy? Ow!

I was just getting some air.

Then perhaps you can explain why when you saw me you started sprinting for the

parking lot like a blonde jackrabbit.

Sorry, Slugger. According to rule 321B, the door will now be locked.

There's an intercom here.

In case of emergency, you may buzz.

It is, Jim. It really is.

Um, I have to go to the bathroom.

There's one in the room.

I have a stomachache.

Murphy!

Damn it, Jim. You get me out of here.

Don't go away again, Jim. Please.

Great.

Peter's listening to the pips while I sit here and rot.

When is lunch? I am starving. You know, I may not know my humble rules, but I am

pretty sure they cannot just lock you up and not feed you. I've got my rights.

You know, you should have had a big breakfast since you knew you were going

be here all day.

I wasn't going to be here all day. I was supposed to be entitled.

We can't take a break until the tape's over.

Those are the rules.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Hungry person coming through.

God, there's nothing left but garnish. I can't survive on garnish.

Hey, hey, you, meat guy, give me that bone. Maybe I can suck some gristle off

it.

Hi, Miles. Oh, you don't look well.

Can I have that cantaloupe rind?

The informational programs I've been judging, they're all medical.

Did you know your eyes could be surgically popped out of your head and

in?

I know that because I saw it.

Art, you liens, look at liposuction.

All that sucking and sucking.

Globs of lumpy fat just sitting there in a jar.

Uh -huh. Can you pass the mayonnaise?

Hi, Frank Fontana. Have you seen my piece, Taking Back the Streets?

Uh -uh.

Oh, well, in that case, if you're against them building a nuclear dump

your backyard, could you just sign right there?

But on the 137th day, tragedy, a mistake is found. The women must unravel each

and every stitch and begin the entire painstaking process yet

again.

Oh, no. I have been more than patient, but we could have made it quilting the

time we've been watching this.

What do you say we watch another nominee and then get back to quilting? Why,

then we won't be able to get enough quilting. We'll be dying for quilting.

You know, the same issue came up in 1990 when I judged outstanding reporting.

We weren't sure if we should look at all of Peter Jennings' Gulf War piece. I

was nominated in 90. I lost to Jennings that year.

Some of the panel liked your piece, but I had to vote against it. It was very

violent, and I think there's too much violence on television. It was about

violence on television.

Still. You want to see violence?

Because I can show you violence.

We remove the part of the brain that controls the impulse to swallow.

Mr. Fontana, you are on a fool's errand. We are not making an exception.

This is not an exception. This is more of an act of God.

Oh, an act of God.

Well, perhaps we can fix this. Your category is being judged over there. Why

don't we slip your tape in along with the others?

Or maybe we could just knock out one of the nominees to make room for you. No.

How about we just give you a humbled right now?

The engraving may take a while. Do you have a few minutes?

Okay, you're kidding about that last one, right?

To recap, we've seen Quilting, A Stitch in Time, Antarctica, The Longest Winter,

and Ken Burns Railroads, The Longest Ride.

Now, should we go ahead and watch The Tribe of Man or take a few minutes and

compare notes?

We could do that.

Or I could box your ears with volumes two and five of Quilting. Put on a damn

tape. Or we could put in a tape.

To know that we are not alone, that we are part of something greater, that

though our lives are but a brief and shining moment in the continuum, we were

here.

Wow, that was incredible.

Educational, yet moving. And I have got to tell you, it is not easy to move me

at two in the morning. Well, I think we've got a winner.

Not so fast, Murphy.

Everybody has to write down their vote on the designated three -by -five card

with the number two pencil. Then we read them aloud.

Those are the rules.

I'm a tribe of men.

There. Well, nice voting with you. Don't bother saving me a place for next year.

Well, this is an exciting moment. We're about to decide who will go home with a

Humboldt and... who will go home drunk in a cab with a centerpiece on their

as a hat.

Tribe of man.

Quilting. Quilting.

Quilting. Quilting.

What?

You all voted for quilting? Tribe of man kicked quilting's butt. There's your

winner. There's no winner until we all agree.

Then who?

Humboldt rule.

Everyone has to reach a unanimous decision.

Fine. You all think quilting's better? I disagree.

There's only one thing to do.

Those pencils have erasers. Change your clothes.

I'm sorry, but I thought quilting was more touching than the other one. It was

about history and triumph. What triumph? When that old crone finally threaded

the needle successfully?

Oh, yeah, my heart's still pounding from that moment.

Come on, sweetie, it's four to one. Why don't you just change your boat and we

can all get the hell out of here?

Getting out of here? Is that what this is all about?

I don't think you are taking this very seriously.

Oh, give me a break.

Okay, fine. I happen to like Tribe of Man, but that's just me.

I can't force my opinion on you.

I can't twist your arm.

I can't browbeat you into thinking my way.

Tribe, tribe, tribe, tribe.

Quilting.

All right, who's the dirty little quilt lover I thought we could be?

I have to vote my conscience, and my conscience says quilting.

And I have a feeling yours do, too.

Don't change your votes just because she wants you to.

You should vote for what you think is best and not succumb to intimidation.

Are you with me?

Tribe, tribe, tribe, tribe.

Quilting.

Morning already.

Corky, this has gone on long enough.

Friends dozing off, Andy's contacts have sucked the moisture out of his eyes,

and Gail really needs to brush her teeth.

Everyone else is in agreement.

Yeah, they're all in agreement because you bullied them into it, Murphy. I did

not bully them. I just gently shoved them in the direction they should have

in the first place.

We can go back and forth on this, but we both know you'll end up agreeing with

me in the end. Why not just do it now so these nice people can go home?

You're right, Murphy.

I do usually let you have your way.

But you know what?

Not this time. I'm not giving in to you.

I've done it for six years.

Herky just shoves her weight around and everybody's just supposed to give in.

Well, I've got news for you.

Corky Sherwood's a little stubborn, too.

And we're not going anywhere.

They're going to leave us here to die.

I hope you understand what's going on here.

Obviously, this isn't about quilting.

Corky's just using this particular forum to make some sort of misguided stand.

Is that true, Corky?

You see, she's doing it to you, too.

She always has to have her own way.

Is that true, Murphy?

That's what it's like working with her.

Murphy likes the thermostat set at 64 degrees, so the rest of us just have to

bring sweaters.

And when she goes to get water at the water cooler, does she ever get any for

anyone else? No.

Look, I don't see what water has to do with this.

Oh, it has everything to do with it. We'll all be sitting at the table. She

to get herself some water, but does she ever say, Corky, I'm getting water.

Would you like some?

Geez, Corky, you've got a mouth. If you want water, speak up.

I don't want water, Murphy. I want to be asked.

Well, at least I don't announce in that chipper little voice that I'm getting

water and then ask everyone if they want some.

Jim, do you want water?

Frank, are you thirsty?

Miles, do you want water? I mean, how annoying is that?

That is a little annoying.

I've got a flash for you, Corky. Nobody wants your water. Just like nobody wants

those homemade lemon bars that come with those cute little tins we all have to

return to you.

Where's my tin?

Did you bring back my tin?

I'm going to forget my tin.

I want my tin back.

Well, if you're so obsessed with your stupid tins, why don't you put the

there in the first place?

Judas Priest, what is going on in here? I hate to be a squealer, but Corky has

been holding up this committee. She's been stubborn.

Murphy wasn't disgusting. She was bullying.

And she grabbed the remote control. Only because she was hogging it. Jim, I feel

it would be in the best interest of the Humboldts if Corky were disqualified.

You're right.

Corky, I'm afraid I'm going to have to remove you from the panel. What?

And you too, Murphy. What?

Wait a minute.

Corky's bad so I get in trouble?

Yes. Under the seldom invoked Jane Pauly Deborah Norville rule, when members

display childish behavior and impede the judging process, the proctor is

authorized to remove them.

Oh, Murphy.

I thought it would be fun to judge with you, but this wasn't fun at all.

Whenever I could...

Jim,

you're not going to believe me. That's Humboldt. No, tell it to someone who

cares.

In the past 24 hours, I've had a grand total of three and a half minutes sleep,

and that was in the elevator.

Dear Lord, this is Decaf.

Whoever brewed this impotent swill, and you know who you are, rest assured, you

will... something.

Hands off, Corky. I saw it first.

I'm every bit as hungry as you are, Murphy. Let go.

You let go.

This is ridiculous.

You're right.

It is a little ridiculous.

This is exactly what I was talking to you about last night. Did you see that,

Frank? She'll do whatever it takes to get away. Did you see that? Do you see

that? What does it matter? What does any of it matter? I did the best piece of

my life and I'm not... to get any recognition you did great work you know

everybody here knows that that's what really counts you know what i think i

think we all take these awards a little too seriously it's true if you saw what

goes on in those rooms the way these awards are chosen the way some people

their opinions down other people's throat

And the way some people use that room as a place to air their personal

grievances and petty little concerns.

Really petty.

Perfect.

You guys are still talking about me, right?

Um, yeah.

I guess what we're trying to say is that now that we've seen the other side, we

realize for the first time how truly insignificant the Humpholts really are.

Yep.

Just a big old pointy hunk of glass.

I guess you're right.

Thanks. I tell you, that does make me feel a little better.

Guys, guys, guess what?

Yesterday at the Humboldt, when I was wrecking my head against the stall door,

overheard some of the judges from the best reporting category talking. Now,

didn't say who, but apparently the winner is someone from FYI.

Who cares? Big deal.

Are you tired of doing stuff?

Yes! Then watch Easy TV Summer. It's four effortless hours of your favorite

followed by four equally effortless hours of your other favorite show. Why

you make it sound easy? Easy TV Summer starts this Tuesday at 10 only on Nick

Night.