Original subtitles

Everything's right for the weekend Crazy clothes, anything goes on the weekend

John called in and Jim got sued I made a date with a little old you Thought we

went to make a big deal on the weekend Boy,

it's great to stay out late on the weekend No one's bought like it a lot on

weekend

All right, people, listen up.

As you all know, next week is our special election night coverage.

Now, I know we're all human and we have our own opinions, but let's remember to

keep them to ourselves.

Frank. What? I didn't do anything.

Oh, come on, Frank. Last time when Jim announced Jesse Helms won by a

you spit water all over the teleprompter.

I'm thinking of something Bob Saget said on America's Funniest. All right, it

won't happen again.

So next week, if Jim should happen to announce that the newest member of the

Senate is, say, Oliver North.

Maybe I just won't drink on the set.

have because it's mine. Murphy, what is this? We have work to do. This is more

important, Miles. Okay, everybody, form a semicircle. Now, I want you to guess

what beloved American institution is under this tarp. And no, it's not Maury,

Amsterdam.

Give up?

Ta -da! Oh, yeah!

Oh!

Meaty boy, FYI, FYI, meaty boy. Look, he's smiling. I think he likes you.

What is... Oh, come on, Miles. It's Meaty Boy from Meaty Boy Burgers. Oh,

cool, Murph. Oh, Murphy.

It used to be just things that could fit into your purse, but swiping Meaty Boy?

Murphy, I didn't swipe him. The last Meaty Boy restaurant was being torn

and I just had to have him. It came down to an intense bidding war between me

and Jay Leno.

I think he wanted him out of circulation because of the eerie resemblance.

Wait a minute. You mean you actually paid money for this?

What does it do?

Do? What does it do?

What does the Mona Lisa do? What does the Venus de Milo do? It's meaty boy,

Miles. Don't you remember meaty boy?

No. Oh, who could forget him?

Why, back in my cub reporter days, out on the road, I'd see his rotund little

belly beckoning me from the interstate, and I couldn't help but pull over.

Meaty boy restaurant was always familiar.

A little touch of home, no matter where I was.

Of course, the food was always tasteless and laden with grease.

Atrocious, really, but then you knew it would be, and that was a comfort.

Meaty Boy gave me my very first summer job.

They started me on shakes. A week later, I moved up to fries. By the end of the

summer, I was the voice of the drive -thru.

They even entrusted me with the recipe for their secret sauce.

Wasn't that just relish and mayonnaise?

Who told you?

Gee, right?

grew up, only dweebs worked at Meaty Boy.

Oh, yeah? Well, where I come from, working at Meaty Boy was cooler than

the football team.

Really? Even with the hairnet?

So, allow me to summarize the Meaty Boy experience.

Inedible food covered by a lousy secret sauce served to you by a dweeb and a

hairnet.

Gee, I can't imagine why they went out of business.

You're missing the point, Miles. Meaty Boy wasn't just a restaurant.

Some of the biggest moments in my life happened at Meaty Boy.

First date.

First time somebody tried to fuel me up in the backseat of a car.

First time I broke a guy's arm in two places.

Hey, Murph, remember the song?

Turn off that TV.

Put down that cigarette.

Drive on down to Meaty Boy for the very best food. You bet! Wait, wait!

I know that song!

My Uncle David the cardiologist used to whistle it as he sucked the fat out of

his patient's clogged arteries!

You know what your trouble is, Miles? You're just not a fun guy. You've got no

sense of whimsy. Hey, I've got whimsy. Are you forgetting the flying toaster

screensaver on my computer?

I stand corrected. You're a human whoopee cushion.

Come on, meaty boy. Time to see your new digs. Everybody now.

Put two hands on that burger. Watch out, it's gonna slurp. Just one minute after

that, I am ready for dessert.

I'm Earthie Brown, and you are? The Amazing Escapo.

And now, for my next trick, I shall escape from the chair of doom.

I shall simply place these restraints securely around my wrists, and remember,

at no time during the performance are you to help the Amazing Escapo.

I'll try to resist.

Now, if my lovely assistant will place the blindfold over my eyes.

And place this gag in my mouth.

Gladly.

Mm -hmm.

Nobody enjoys a good practical joke more than Murphy Brown, and this one's a

doozy. But it's over now.

Where's my meaty boy? Where is he?

I don't understand, Slugger. Is the chubby little type missing?

As if you didn't know. Where have you got him? Under a desk? In the Xerox

Or did he just tiptoe out of here on his big flat feet?

She's right.

Somebody took meaty boy.

Really? Who'd do that?

Maybe he checked the gym.

Maybe he's on the treadmill working off four decades of saturated fat.

Who knows?

Maybe he got lucky and found a meaty girl.

All right, fun's over. From here on in, it just gets ugly. Oh, come on, Murph.

Nobody took your statue. Although, the way it's getting under your skin, I kind

of wish we had.

If my meaty boy is not returned by noon today in pristine condition, no things,

no dentist, I will have you all killed.

All right, what's going on?

Oh, somebody stole Murph's stupid meaty boy and she thinks we did it.

Like any of us have the time to haul around 50 pounds of greasy plaster.

Hmm.

Interesting. 50 pounds. I don't recall disclosing how much said aforementioned

meaty boy weighed. And yet, plus or minus 25 pounds. You managed to get it

on the head.

How do you explain that? Corky!

Corky didn't steal anything.

Maybe you're right, Frank. Maybe it wasn't Corky. Maybe it was you.

Or is there some other reason your eyebrow is twitching?

My eyebrow is not twitching. Oh, please, Frank, it's practically spelling out, I

did it, in Morse code.

Now, before you accuse me of taking part in this senseless tomfoolery, let me

assure you that my alibi is airtight.

Last night, Doris and I scrubbed the mildew off the underbelly of the antique

tub in our guest bathroom.

Then we exchanged peppermint cream foot rubs and were dead to the world by 9 p

.m. sharp.

I believe you, Jim.

That's far too...

Vivid to be made up on the spot.

And Miles.

What? Hey, I've got an alibi, too.

That's okay. Your personality is your alibi.

We're all off the hook. Look what just came over the fax.

Oh, my God, it's Meaty Boy.

He's blindfolded and holding a newspaper.

Well, at least we know the little tag's still alive.

Oh, and the Dow index went up 30 points.

I am sorry, but somebody has just a little too much time on their hands.

Why was I even considering you amateurs? Whoever did this is good.

Very good. But mark my words, they're no match for Murphy Brown.

Remember when some... Hello, everyone. Oh, hey, Jim.

Make her stop.

Meaty Boy's kidnapped or sent Murphy a ticket, and she's making us listen to it

over and over and over.

Okay, now, pay close attention.

Notice the sound in the background. If we can identify it, it just might lead

to Meaty Boy.

Right at the end, that woo -woo sounds like a train.

Woo -woo.

Yes, you're right.

Unless I missed my guess, that's the 1015 to Baltimore.

And wasn't that the unmistakable sizzle of Salisbury steak being served in the

dining car? Oh, for heaven's sake, give it a rest, will you?

What have you got for me, Phil?

Oh, I'm sorry, kid.

I scoured this whole town. I came up empty.

Great. Guy who knows everything couldn't even... Wait a minute, Phil.

you when Meaty Boy disappeared.

Okay.

You caught me.

I confess.

For 50 long years, I've been scheming to make Meaty Boy mine.

I'm not really a villain, you know. I'm Bola Fontaine, international art thief.

I run this restaurant as a front.

I've been slinging hats for years, just waiting for my chance, and then you

deliver him right to me.

279 firm possibilities.

Is Bob Dolan there? Got him. Barbara Walker? Got her. You can't have... Got a

star by his name.

I don't see Dan Quayle on here.

I thought about him, but the person who did this had to be able to operate a fax

machine.

Okay. Look at the time. I'm late for my appointment at the sound lab. I'm having

the tape digitally analyzed by the same guys who worked on the Zapruder film.

See you.

Dear Lord, she's a woman possessed.

Let's face it, no one has ever one -upped her like this. I don't know who

but you've got to hand it to them. They know exactly how to get to her.

Whoever did this was brilliant.

Devilishly clever. A true mastermind.

What are you talking about?

Brilliant, clever, a mastermind. Me, me, me. I did it.

You did it. You were with us when the facts came in. How'd you do that, David

Copperfield? I used the timer on the fax machine. No biggie.

What about the weird tape?

Help me.

It's me, boy.

Help me. Why won't you help me?

It was you. Yep, it was me, Captain No Fun.

The office...

Pretty whimsical, huh?

What do you think of me now?

Have you lost your mind?

What do you mean? You said whoever did this was brilliant, clever, a genius.

That's before we knew it was you.

Do you have any idea what she'll do to you when she finds out?

Tip her hat.

Shake my hand?

She said she was having fun. Sure, she's having fun. Just like a cheetah has fun

when it's chasing an antelope. But the second the cheetah sinks its teeth into

the antelope's neck, the fun is pretty much over for the antelope. Yeah.

You got that biting and ripping and tearing.

Oh, God.

I poked the cheetah.

Why couldn't I just get my head down in the watering hole with the other

antelope?

Oh, my God, when you're about to be disemboweled.

But does he ever hear from you when it's just a pretty day?

You have me to go out of there without her seeing you. Now, you sneak in there

tonight and you push him back. Yes, and if anything goes awry, there's a

midnight plane to Buenos Aires. Don't bother packing.

Just grab your passport and a tooth brush.

Good luck, son, and trust no one. All right, I'll do it.

But at least give me this.

It was a pretty good prank, right?

The Bay of Pigs was a pretty good prank. This was just stupid.

Hey, guys.

How did Murphy react when she got Meaty Boy back?

I don't know. She's been in there with the door closed ever since we got here.

I'm glad this whole thing is over. It'd be nice to have some peace and quiet

around here.

Mark! Can you find out what time Barbara Bush is doing her hairdressers? We've

got an assistant there who's on the take. What do you think George will like

Babs as a brassy redhead?

Murphy!

Has anyone returned Meaty Boy yet?

Yeah, right, Corky. Amelia Earhart dropped him off this morning.

That's right.

Two dozen roses to Annette Bening in Los Angeles and sign the card, Dear

Madonna, thanks for last night. Love, Warren.

One more, then.

Uh, what's up, Murr?

I'll tell you what's up, Frank.

This has gone from mildly amusing to sort of intriguing to really ticking me

off. I don't have time for surgical strikes. This calls for a mass assault.

You know, maybe I'm nuts, but I have a really good feeling that meaty boy is

going to be back here very soon.

Really, Frank? A good feeling?

That's very reassuring.

But it doesn't bring my meaty boy back.

No.

I don't know, Slugger. Maybe you ought to let this one go. I mean, a lot of

innocent people might get hurt. What can I say? War is hell.

Where do you want it?

Oh, right there is fine.

I bet heads will roll when Donald and Marla wake up to find themselves in the

luxurious penthouse of a rump tower.

Look, I don't mean to be rude, but if you're not part of the solution, you're

part of the problem.

What? We'll just be on time.

Miles, what's going on? Where's Meaty Boy? You said you were going to put him

back. I was.

I set my alarm for the middle of the night so I could sneak them in without

getting caught. But I was so nervous I couldn't sleep, so I had some warm milk.

But that didn't work, so I put some brandy in it. When that didn't help, I

half the Xanax.

My alarm rang for two hours before the neighbors broke down the door and shook

me out of my stupor.

The time for tax is over, Captain. Go in there now, admit what you did, and take

your punishment like a man.

But you said I should keep this secret till the day I die. Son.

That day is at hand.

The woman is in there orchestrating the demise of half of the Western

Hemisphere. She must be stopped.

Which one of you guys is Senator Gwynn's hat?

Yes. Oh.

Oh, excellent. We have liftoff.

Murphy, we need to talk.

Yeah, well, I promise I'll get back to my election story as soon as I take care

of a few things.

Look. Just fling open the shower door, snap the picture, and get the hell out

there. Do I have to explain everything to you?

Murphy, Murphy, this has gone too far. Listen to me.

I took meaty boy.

Yeah, that's a good one. Come on, Miles. I know what you're doing. I promise

I'll get back to my story as soon as my little spree is finished. No, really. I

have him. He's lying on the couch in my apartment right now.

Poor, sweet, deluded Miles. That is so cute.

But please, this is a prank so advanced, so cleverly orchestrated that even I

can't figure out how it was done.

This is the work of a master. I'm telling you, it was me.

Murphy, it's Meany Boy.

Help me. Why won't you help me?

Miles, that is the most pathetic impression of Meany Boy I could ever

I've got to get this call. It might be Letterman looking for Paul Schaefer.

You don't believe me?

Hello? It's George Will.

Yes, George.

Yes, I have your precious little autographed Ty Cobb outfielder's mitt,

you'll get it back just as soon as I get my meeting boy.

All right, fine.

Maybe I'll just go home and get him right now. What do you think of that?

you do that.

Oh, George, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.

And stop crying. You're only making things worse.

Oh, my

hand.

My hand.

Like a complete idiot. I've got a huge blind spot here. I can get a ticket for

this.

Great, great.

Paint on my dashboard.

Paint on my dashboard.

What genius men it is.

God knows how many people a year are killed in these things.

in this pity must be leading some pretty sad, empty lives.

A man driving a convertible with a meaty boy next to him could cause that much

commotion. But it has all been worth it because today I am going to get

something I have earned with blood, sweat, and tears. Something I truly

Murphy's wrist is down.

Miles, you've got your health, your hair, and there are no nudie Polaroids

you floating around the country, which is more than what half of the people on

Murphy's List can claim at this moment, so quit while you're ahead. Oh, no, Jim,

I am telling her, if you had seen the way she just...

Missed me yesterday with this quick little flip of her hand as if she were

Nefertiti, queen of the Egyptians.

And I was just some insignificant little eunuch.

Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of slave boy. But if you guys had

seen it, you'd understand. A man, a man, can only take so much.

Hi, ma 'am.

What happened?

You look like a popped balloon.

Exhausted. I was up all night fielding irate phone calls from suspects. You

that Sandra Day O 'Connor has a very dirty mouth on her.

Don't lose hope, Murphy. You never know what's just around that corner.

I don't know, Courtney. What's the point? Maybe I should just throw in the

towel. Maybe there's a new kid in town who's got a few moves I just can't

Murphy, Murphy, Murphy.

You don't know how it pains me to hear you say that. Why don't we go into your

office and have a little chat about it? Whatever.

Now it's time to prove to you once and for all that... B -Boy's gone.

I know.

But I can't help thinking there's something more I could have done.

I don't know. Maybe I made a mistake with Rush Limbaugh.

I could have flourished and gone with the Africanized bees, but no.

I had to save a few pennies. Murphy, she's really gone.

And Peter Jennings, I never did get a satisfactory answer out of him.

No, you don't understand.

Someone stole him. They stole Meaty Boy.

He's gone.

He's really gone.

You're right, Miles.

Thank you.

Meaty Boy's gone.

He's gone, and I'm just going to have to accept that.

I guess it's time to move on.

Maybe I can find some comfort in the hope that whoever has Meaty Boy will

him as much as I do.

Turn off that TV.

Put down that cigarette.

Drive on down to Meaty Boy for the very best food you bet.

You bet.

Are you tired of doing stuff?

Yes! Then watch Easy TV Summer. It's four effortless hours of your favorite

followed by four equally effortless hours of your other favorite show. Let

make it sound easy. Easy TV Summer starts this Tuesday at 10 only on Nick

Night.