Original subtitles

Good morning, all. Hey, Z. Hi there.

Oh, don't toy with me. Just say it.

What did you do? Have your ears lowered?

Place your head a little too close to the weed whacker? Come on, let's move

Oh, did you get a haircut, Jim? Yes, I got a haircut. Couldn't you tell? Men

practically butchered me. Boy, I'll say, if you were carrying a shotgun and out

hunting wabbits, I'd swear I was talking to Elmer Fudd. Oh.

Okay, people, no time for chit -chat. I have got a tip.

so hot, I need a pair of oven mitts just to handle it.

Whoa, Jim, get a little too close to the old weed whacker.

So what is it, Miles? What's the tip? Don't get your hopes up, Corky. He got

this excited last week when the checkout girl said that from a certain angle. He

sort of looked like Matthew Broderick.

What would you say if I told you the country's largest retail chain was

clothes overseas and selling them with Made in America labels?

Well, if you're talking about Beaumont, I'd say that is a pretty hot story.

Well, it's only a hot story if you've got proof. You got any evidence, Miles?

No, but what I do have is Ross Bowen ready and willing to do an interview

week.

I know he's tough not to crack. Tough? The last reporter to go up against that

fellow Southern Wiles was reduced to tears.

And then again...

Stone Phillips always did strike me as the sensitive type.

Exactly. That's why we need our toughest cowpoke to break this bucking bronco.

So, Murphy, Frank, you want to arm wrestle for it?

I'd love a shot at that old windbag, but I'm up to my ears in that Cuban refugee

piece. Ooh, Murphy's been thrown to the ground and she's being dragged out of

the ring by the rodeo clown.

It's like old Tex Fontana wins by default. What do you have to say to

big old...

I'm sorry, I can't do it, Miles. I haven't even edited my killer bacteria

No, no, no, no, no, no!

That's the system.

If it's not Murphy, it's Frank.

If it's not Frank, it's Murphy.

If it's not Murphy or Frank, it's Sam Donaldson scooping FYI and taunting

at the press club. I want the story.

Relax, Miles. We'll get someone to cover it. Maybe there's a freelancer. No, no,

no, no, no, no! No freelancer?

Remember what happened the last time a freelancer worked for us? He promised us

footage of a Soviet nuclear meltdown and delivered a grease fire at a blitz

factory outside Leningrad. No.

No. There's got to be a better solution.

Think, people.

Think.

You know, you guys are overlooking an obvious choice.

Wait.

Hold it a second.

McCorky's right.

We get corralled. I mean, the guy's off writing poems in a swamp somewhere. No.

I'm talking about me.

I'd be perfect for this story.

Ross Bowen and I are both from the South.

I've shopped at his stores all my life, and I have nothing but free time since

my expose on Melissa Gilbert fell through.

Corky.

Corky.

Corky.

You have a very specific and important function on FYI. You are the

cherry on the sundae. You're the glaze on the creme brulee.

You're the whipped cream on the apple pie, the jimmies on the yogurt. I know,

know.

I'm tired of always being dessert.

I think I deserve the right to be the main course for a change.

Speaking for myself, dessert's always been my favorite part of the meal.

That's dessert. Stop it.

You know, Corky, I am all for a person taking on new challenges, but Russ

I don't know. He's a pretty tough customer.

Well, you all started somewhere.

I mean, what did Murphy say when Miles first started FYI?

Who does that little Pisher think he is?

That little Pisher had chutzpah.

And where do you think he is today?

Sorry, Miles.

Don't be.

I'm just impressed you used the words Pisher and chutzpah in the same

And what about Murphy?

When Morton Dean got the flu in the winter of 74, didn't a certain local

reporter persuade the network to give her Dean's assignment?

Well, maybe, but that's... And didn't that... interview proved to be pivotal

launching her serious news career?

Well, sure. So, if a combination of pluck and good fortune gave Murphy Brown

a chance to prove herself, don't I deserve the same opportunity?

Well, I guess Corby has sort of paid her due. Thank you, Murphy.

So, Miles, what do you say?

Can I be the cowpoke?

It breaks this block up.

Well, I suppose so.

Thank you.

Thank you so, so much.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have files to pull, sources to grill.

objecting. Oh, please, I couldn't have made any more obvious, hammy facial

expressions than I would Jim Carrey.

I just

rushed out of here so

fast, I forgot to tell you all how much your support means to me.

Especially yours, Murphy.

You do think I can do it, don't you?

Hey, you know me, if I didn't think you were ready, I would have said something.

You know I won't let you down.

Oh, shut up, Baldy.

Whatever you do, once you sink your teeth into him, don't let go. Murphy's

right. If he takes over the interview, it's all over. And just remember, we're

not called the press for nothing. So you have your questions ready.

Questions? Wasn't somebody else supposed to give me questions?

You won't need to cut away to that emergency backup plan.

Oh, right, like I have an emergency backup plan.

You clear on the emergency backup plan?

Miss Sherwood, Ross Bowen.

Pleasure meeting you.

May I say you are even prettier in person than you are on that TV. Well,

you the charmer my daddy always warned me about?

All right, we are live in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Good evening and welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight, Murphy Brown reports on the continuing Cuban

refugee crisis.

Frank Fontana examines the threat of drug -resistant bacteria.

But first, Corky Sherwood gives us an in -depth look at one of America's

foremost entrepreneurs.

Corky? Thank you, Jim. I'm here with Ross Bowen, president and founder of

Beaumart, the country's largest retail chain.

May I just say how much your stores have meant to me over the years? Why, thank

you, darling. You can't make me blush, but the Lord knows I won't complain if

you try.

I can still remember when I was eight years old and the first Walmart opened

downtown Nebo.

That'd be store number 268, and I believe it was Mabel Loomis working the

register. Why, yes, that's right. How did you know that? Well, Corky, may I

you Corky? Mm -hmm.

If it's one thing this good old boy prides himself on, it is maintaining

personal relationships with every single one of his people.

Really?

Everyone? Every last one.

Then can I assume, Ross, may I call you Ross? Sure.

That you know this young man?

Well, I can't say his face looks all that familiar.

Well, it should be.

This little boy's name is Wong Ho, and he works for you.

and one of the Burmese sweatshops that provides clothes to Walmart.

In fact, these documents show that much of the apparel display in your Made in

America label was actually produced in Burma, Thailand, and Hong Kong.

Well, I'm afraid you've left me out in the dark without a candle, young lady.

Oh, you.

Now, don't go pulling the dog's tail, expecting him to turn over and play

I wouldn't advise hanging a snake up to dry while he's still got dew on his

belly, either.

You also shouldn't skin a raccoon till you're sure he's not a fox.

Let's quit playing possum and talk turkey, shall we?

I have no idea what they're talking about, but I like what I'm hearing.

Only this so -called all -American tank top was actually manufactured in Taipei,

wasn't it? Well, I... In fact, couldn't we say the only thing we know for

certain you make in America is money?

You can't expect me because... Oh, and one more thing.

Why did you ever stop selling those blue frosty cones? I just love those.

I don't know.

Back to you, Jim.

Thank you, Corky, for a most impressive job. Really, most impressive.

FYI, we'll return after these messages.

And we're in the commercial.

There she is.

Our own little Corkzilla.

Oh, Cork, I tell you, if you ever need any extra cash, the biker bar down the

corner needs a bouncer. That was great.

Don't say. I haven't seen a transformation like that since Doris

estrogen supplements.

Well, Corky, I have to say, all in all, not terrible. Not terrible?

Oh, Murphy, do you really mean that? Absolutely.

And listen, if you hear some crazy talk about me betting a couple hundred bucks

you were going to fall on your face tonight, don't you believe it?

This was just so much fun watching a grown man crumble before your own eyes

knowing you're the one responsible.

Oh, God, Murphy, this must be how you feel every week.

Now, don't get carried away. You've still got a lot to learn. And I want you

teach me everything.

Come on. I'll buy you a cup of coffee and we can start right now. Okay. First

tip, Corky.

I always find it best not to leave the set till the show is over. Oh, God,

that's right. You still have your little thing to do.

All right, 30 seconds, people.

Bon matin, mademoiselle Brown.

Je suis votre nouvelle assistante. What I just said was, good morning, Miss

Brown. I'm your new secretary, in French.

That's fascinating.

Isn't it?

Learning a second language is just one way of enriching yourself while

impressing friends and colleagues.

Go ahead, you say anything and I'll translate.

No, really, I don't think so. No, Raymond, je ne le pense pas.

I'm serious, enough already.

La suite arrière, c 'est déjà fait.

This is my last warning, quit it. C 'est ma dernière caution, le quitter.

Fine, you want to translate?

Translate this.

Faites vos bagages ou vous serez flambés.

Non, non, non.

I think you meant to say, pack your bags, you're fired. But what you

said was, pack your bags or I'll set you on fire.

Uh -huh.

Murphy, there you are.

I can't tell you how much I've learned from watching all these old interviews

yours. How did you ever get David Stockman to admit that Reaganomics was

complete and utter sham?

Now, Corky, we've been over this.

What's Murphy's interview rule number one?

Badger, badger.

This afternoon, I want you to watch my interview with Ed Meese, which

illustrates Murphy's interview rule number two.

Make him cry, make him cry, make him cry.

Well, if it isn't the dynamic duo.

Go ahead, show me your senator I'm not buying this load of crap face.

Isn't that great?

Yes, point it that way, won't you?

Wow, what are all these letters, Frank? Oh, no, you didn't take out another one

of those personal ads, did you?

The last one turned out so ugly.

Actually, these are all for you. And for the record, Janice and I are still

friends. It's just her other personalities I don't get along with.

Oh, my God. These are all for me?

Corky, we saw your show last night, and we can't stop talking about it.

Disappointing doesn't even come close to describing your performance.

Rude, annoying, and shrill, however, do.

We'll never watch you again? That's not a very nice letter.

There's always one bad apple in the barrel. May I?

Dear Corky, sure would. Well, this one seems amiable enough.

Last night's show was a steaming pile of monarchy.

Who the fudge do you think you are, you fudging... Perhaps Murphy should finish

this.

Oh, come on, Corky, don't be upset. I had my first piece of hate mail

permaplast. Receiving a little taste of the poison pen is just one way of

knowing you're doing your job.

I shouldn't be feeling this sick, queasy sensation on the pit of my stomach? Of

course not. Now, I don't mean to brag, but you know that great file cabinet

to my desk?

Nothing but hate mail.

And it doesn't bother you?

Are you kidding?

When I'm depressed, I get naked and roll around in it.

I don't know, Murphy.

And you haven't been introduced to the best part of hate mail yet.

What's that?

Watch and learn.

It's ringing.

Hello? Is this Cindy Lou Collins of Tempe, Arizona?

I have a riddle for you.

What has a tiny brain, a large mouth, and an opinion no one cares about?

Give up?

You!

Feels

as good

now as it did the first time.

Okay.

Now it's your turn.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Murphy. I don't think I can... Hello?

Yeah? Is this Mr. Larson Broder of Newark, Delaware?

Um, I have a riddle for you.

What has a tiny brain, a large mouth... Yes, this is Corky Sherwood. You have a

nice day now. Bye!

We'll work on it.

these people?

We have a tight ship in Cincinnati, and we think it stinks.

Well,

I just thought you'd all be at Phil's having lunch, so I invited a few people

tour. You know, fans, viewers, letter writers.

Look at all these people, the faceless masses. Don't you realize what you've

done? You've given them faces and bodies and ill -fitting clothes.

I need to use the bathroom.

Just one second, Miss Marino. I mean now.

Trust me, Jim. I learned the hard way. She's not joking.

Okay, Miss Marino.

I'm taking Miss Marino to the bathroom, and I'll be right back. Corky, you can't

leave us with... Okay, listen up.

This is a place of business, so if you would just move your little convention

out of our newsroom, those of us who are actually working today would be

extremely grateful.

Boy, she's in a room.

in person than she is on TV.

And bonier.

Yeah, yeah, I'm Ichabod Crane. Now, don't trip getting on the elevator.

Well, get a load of all the pictures she's got of herself in here. There must

thousands. Get the hell out of there. I've been watching you on TV, and I

I can do your job as good as you. I don't doubt that for a minute. You see,

every night, I read the news to my cat, and she is mesmerized.

So, um, can I slip you my resume?

Do you think you could, uh...

You and your bleeding heart liberalism. Oh, sure, you stick it to the gun

manufacturers and the cigarette industry. All the people who made this

great.

Wait a minute.

Your name isn't Pat Miller, is it?

Yeah. Lansing, Michigan?

Uh -huh. Then I think it's only fair to warn you that you're currently in

violation of a restraining order.

And the heaviest bombing since the ceasefire.

It's uncanny, really. In other news, home mortgage rates are expected to rise

slightly in the final quarter of... Yes, that's... I have to cry.

What I want to know is, what gives you the right to say whatever you want about

whoever you want? I mean, what gives you the right?

Oh, I don't know. A little something called a constitution. Maybe you've

of it.

Well, then let me ask you this.

You know how I can meet Michael Jackson?

What about veal?

Why don't you do a story on veal?

Okay, everybody, find your partner. We've only got 15 minutes to get on the

and make our way across town.

Corky, we need to talk, and I mean now.

Corky, please. I've got my hands full. Corky, I don't care. You have completely

stepped over the line here. What about my film?

We'll get a gift shop.

Corky. Sorry.

Gotta go.

Come on. It's a good journey.

That's right.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Corfie.

So what are you doing now? Kissing up to your viewers door to door?

All right, Murphy, I know you're angry with me. Angry? No, no, no, that would

mean I cared and I don't care. So please don't mistake what I'm about to say as

my caring because, as I said, I don't. But what the hell were you thinking

today? If I could just...

You blew it. You caved into public opinion. You compromised your

integrity. And worst of all, you let total strangers touch my stuff.

I'm sorry. That's your problem, Sherwood. You're always sorry.

You upset a few viewers and you're sorry. You upset me and you're sorry.

You upset the network. I'm sorry.

Well, I'm sorry, but I am sorry.

I just couldn't accept that there was anyone out there who didn't like me.

Yeah, well, there were a lot of people out there who did. You just didn't hear

from them.

It doesn't matter.

Don't you see?

It's just like when I was in 12th grade.

I was named homecoming queen, voted class president, won the lead in Bye Bye

Birdie. Everyone loved me.

Even the school mascot, a goat.

There's one girl, Wendy Wilcox, who couldn't stand me.

And I was miserable.

Can you believe it?

You know, not that it hasn't been fun leaping through the old Hooterville High

yearbook with you.

But can we just get to the point?

You've got a decision to make.

You can either be a journalist and make some people angry with you, or you can

be Miss Homecoming Queen and have everybody love you, but you can't be

It's not that easy for me, Murphy.

I'm not like you.

You're strong.

You don't care what people think. You don't care if they call you names or

hate you in the mail room.

Corky, it doesn't matter what... They hate me in the mail room? Well, not

everyone.

Just Jimmy and Earl.

And Melissa.

And Chuck.

And Tommy. All right, all right. I get the picture.

You know, Corky, when I was first starting out, I had to learn to develop

thick skin.

And if you're going to be the kind of journalist I think you can be, you've

to learn to develop one, too.

I really think I can be the kind of journalist you are, Murphy.

Hey, let's not get carried away.

You know, Corky, you really surprised me this week.

That's what makes this so frustrating. You know, you've got the potential. I

just see you backing away from it. I'm not backing away.

I just need to go at my own pace.

I mean, it took you a while to become the tough, unfeeling hellhound you are

today, didn't it?

Oh, that's true.

And let's face it, Murphy.

I've watched all your tapes.

And you didn't make anyone cry until the Tammy Faye Baker interview.

That doesn't even count.

All right, maybe it's a little unrealistic to expect you to change

Take the weekend.

Who the hell is that?

Oh, don't worry, I'll just do it.

Now, weren't you supposed to wait outside on the bus? I need to use the

Corky, what is going on?

Well, I...

I wouldn't invite people here to our nation's capital without taking to see

monuments at night now. I mean now.

Listen here, Mrs. Marino.

Try to hurry.

Well, it's a start.

Well, I guess being the rudest woman in TV has its advantages.

It's not the cleanest place I've ever seen.

tired of doing stuff?

Yes! Then watch Easy TV Summer. It's four effortless hours of your favorite

followed by four equally effortless hours of your other favorite show. Let

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at Night.