Original subtitles

My world is empty without you babe.

My world is empty without you babe.

Brooks must have broken six tackles, run 85 yards. I can't believe you turned

the game over to halftime, Jim.

Well, call me old -fashioned, but I just don't enjoy watching football since it

moved to Fox.

How can you possibly focus on John Madden's chalk talk when he's drawing it

Christina Applegate's bare midriff?

I know what you mean, Jim. Like how they cram the words, there it is, into the

national anthem.

That's just not right.

Hello,

Phil. How are you? How you doing, Phil?

there are no more squares left in the football pool. Oh, man, not again.

Yeah, Hillary Clinton snatched them all up.

Ever since she made a killing in the market, the woman's got the fever.

Last week, Bill wandered down for a midnight snack, found her in her 90s

shooting dice on the floor with a kitchen staff.

Hey, Miles, you see the kids' game yesterday?

Shah, I don't want to hear anything about football. It was unbelievable.

football is dead to me now.

It's gone the way of sunbathing, driving without a seatbelt, and unprotected

sex. Not that I ever did any of those things, but I liked that the option was

there.

So you didn't see the game?

No, I did not.

I watched what was on our network.

The Sunday movie of the week. They say my name is Mary.

Right!

The touching portrait of a woman sinking into the hellish abyss of short -term

memory loss. You know, I meant to watch that, but it slipped my mind.

Fine, fine, fine.

Make your jokes, but from where I stand, anyone who's watching football on that

other network deserves nothing but scorn and contempt. Hey, did you guys catch

that game last night on Fox? People said the coverage wasn't going to be as

good, but I've got to tell you, those hidden cameras in the locker room

were a stroke of genius. What a wacky network.

Wacky Murphy, do you have any idea how many stations defected when that wacky

network grabbed football away from us? Come on, Miles, they didn't leave just

because of football. They left because the new fall shows stink.

What do you expect from a network whose slogan is get off our backs, we're doing

the best we can?

Oh, no, Murphy, it's not about shows, it's about money. Our shows are no worse

than anyone else's. In fact, some of them are actually quite good. Yeah, but

then you find one you like and they cancel it and replace it with what? A

stand -up comic on one network, a reality program about angels and UFOs on

another, and what's our network's latest offering?

A drama about an environmental SWAT team led by an orangutan.

I'm going to keep my Saturday nights open for that one. Now, Murphy, give it

chance. May I remind you, there was a show with a little pig named Arnold that

did very well for himself on television.

Yeah, but then Roseanne dumped him.

Come on, Murph. There really are still some quality shows on television.

Okay. Name three.

Okay. There's Letterman.

And, um... The one with those naked swearing cops.

Is MASH still on the air?

My point exactly.

The glory days are over and this fall schedule isn't going to bring them back.

And why? Because it's a crap fest. Murphy, this conversation is over. So,

how about those roses? Did you ever clear up that aphid problem? Fine. I'll

say it to the back of your head.

Crap fest. Crap fest. Crap fest. Excuse me.

I couldn't help overhearing your conversation, or frankly, I couldn't

you more, Ms. Brown. I've seen the fall schedule, and I think it stinks, too.

You hear that, Miles? This random viewer agrees with me.

I just have one question. My editor is a real stickler for spelling.

Craft best one word or two.

I think one of them... Hey, Miles. It's not even an article. It's a blurb. This

wouldn't even make it into my scrapbook. And I've pasted together headlines

about Eddie Murphy and James Brown just to see my name in print.

He's right. Relax.

Man, what did you do? Leave the hanger in here?

Really, Miles.

If something was going to happen, don't you think we would have heard by now?

This is FYI.

Mr. Lansing, how nice to have you down.

You never come down. Did you come down to bring me up or are we staying down?

Relax. You do good work down here, notwithstanding the FYI black hole where

staples and little boxes of grape juice disappear at twice the rate of any of my

other shows.

Hockey, you look gorgeous as usual.

You should hear the way they talk about you at my barbershop.

It's crude.

But it's their way of saying they love you.

That's so sweet.

Tell him I said thank you.

Consider it done. Jim!

You never age.

How old are you anyway?

Fifty -six.

Funny answer.

My ginger man, the way you... Go risk your life. That's a nice shirt.

Oh, thanks. This is custom made. You know, I could give you my tailor's phone

number. The guy's got these tiny little hands. I was making small talk, Fontana.

And I finished.

Murphy? I stand. Good to see you.

Let's talk in your office.

Oh, my office.

You don't want to talk in there.

I haven't cleaned.

Okay.

He's not down for me. He's down for Murphy.

You too, Silverberg.

Murphy, you sit there. I'll sit over here. And Silverberg, you hop up on

cases of grape juice over there.

Stan, before we even start, let me just tell you that everything they printed

was taken completely out of context.

I'm so glad. That's what I thought.

So tell me.

In what context would crapola be a good thing?

Sir, in Murphy's defense, she did not call the fall lineup crapola.

She called it a crapfest.

You know, Silverberg, you remind me of a young me.

Thank you, sir. Coming from you, that's right. I hated the young me.

Likely so, sir.

I'll just hop back up on my crutches.

You picked a bad time to shoot your mouth off. We just lost football and

affiliates with it. Who knows how many more you convinced to do the same thing.

I am troubled.

I like this chair.

It's like sitting in a big hand.

You know, Stan, you're right.

I'll try to watch what I say from now on. I'm sorry you had to come all the

down. When I say troubled, I don't mean like a little tickle in my throat.

I mean like that triple bypass I had last March. One card from your whole

department.

You see, if these remarks were made by someone else, give me a name.

Suzanne Plachette.

Fran Drescher.

Who's listening?

You.

You're Murphy Brown.

People believe what you say.

This Saturday, we're flying our affiliates down to Epcot to present them

fall schedule. I want you to go down there and explain how you were

You didn't call it a crap fest.

You called it a sparkling array of inventive programming.

I can't promote that lineup.

You've got a show where an orangutan commands a group of crusading

environmentalists. Oh, he doesn't command them.

He merely advises them.

They don't have to take his advice if they don't want to.

Did you say this Saturday? You know, I am really swamped. Miles, tell him how

swamped I am.

News affiliates, that means cutbacks. And the first place we cut back is the

news division personnel.

Well, maybe not you. You've still got a few good years left.

The gym is getting low in the tooth.

Those are 56 -year -old teeth.

Mr. Lansing, are you actually considering... Look at my back,

against the wall!

I'm crazy!

You don't know what I'll do!

All right,

I'll go, I'll go.

But it'll cost you.

I'm taking my son and my nanny, and the second I get there, I'm cracking open

that honor bar, and I'm eating my weight in macadamia nuts, even if it makes me

sick.

She's a real smart fuck, Silver.

I don't know how you put up with her sometimes.

Sometimes I don't know myself, sir.

It's your job, Silver.

Hi, I'm Corky Sherwood. Thank you for coming. Get a load of our spirit.

Hi, Murphy Brown. Get a load of our spirit.

I'm saying get a load of our spirit. Get your own slogan.

Okay, fine.

I'll think there's no stopping us now.

I don't think we'd already decided that I'd be saying there's no stopping us

now. Who cares? Geez, what is it with you guys?

I'll tell you what it is. We all had to give up our weekends because of you and

your big fat mouth.

Yes. Wasn't our turn to come down here, Murphy.

60 minutes turn.

I hate these things.

Hi, Baltimore.

Get a load of our spirit.

Hi, Murphy Brown.

That's it. Keep it moving.

Hi, guys.

Sorry I'm late.

Did I miss anything?

Frank, you were playing golf, weren't you? Oh, come on. That makes a big

difference. You've got a scorecard in your back pocket, your tan ends at your

wrist, and you dropped a divot over by the Dr. Quinn ice sculptor.

Fine. Sue me for trying to jam some fun into this miserable weekend.

Hey, Murphy ruined my weekend, too, but I'm playing my way. Oh, don't talk with

me, okay? Murphy's starting next year.

What is this? What is this?

Is this helping us hang on to our affiliates? I don't think so.

Come on, Miles. We've done everything we can do here. I'm going to go back to

the hotel. There's an ugly rumor the water slide closes at 7.

Oh, no, you are not.

We've got another hour before our host for this evening arrives to present the

fall lineup. So until you hear the squeals of delight marking the arrival

Carol O 'Connor and Angela Lansbury...

The very existence of FYI is to take care of people.

Horses of the South have already fallen.

The Midwest is teetering on the brink.

This is war.

We're playing it city by city.

At this very moment, Spokane is in the corner telling the Eastern Seaboard how

funny the Simpsons was last night.

Now, what are we going to do about it?

Well...

There's a guy over there hitting on Markie Post while his wife was in a

Maybe I can blackmail him.

Go, go, make me proud.

You know, I didn't like the looks of that Spokane when he first traipsed in

here. Well, I think somebody's about to receive a little lecture on loyalty.

Godspeed.

Come on, Murphy.

You know what we have to do?

Okay.

You take the fat one, I'll take the bald one.

You magnificent bastard.

You know, if you don't mind my saying so, Miss Brown, you're a lot

softer than Andy Romney.

You know, Bert, as many times as I get told that, I never get tired of hearing

it.

So I guess you'll be staying with the network.

Well, I don't know. I'm still worried about this fall lineup.

Bert, I just walked like an Egyptian with you.

Don't start.

Now, you listen to me, Buster. The affiliate network relationship is a

union, much like this great nation of ours.

Now, what would happen if Minnesota woke up one day and decided it wanted to be

a part of, say, France? And France said, sure, come on over. We've got rich

sauces in the Eiffel Tower. Well, it's not that easy, bub. All I said was Homer

makes me laugh.

Shame on you.

Babe,

our network puts on a pretty good spread, doesn't it?

I'm guessing you made a few trips to that onion dip.

Tic -tac?

Hi. Can I borrow you for a minute? Grand Rapids is waffling. He wants to take a

picture with you. Oh, okay. Excuse me.

Could you do me a favor? Could you kiss my head in this picture?

Okay, that's it.

Miles, my debt is paid. You kiss his head. I'm going back to the hotel.

Frank, what's wrong?

Angela, Carol, I'm not coming.

What do you mean, Frank? What did you do?

I had Angela Lansbury and Carol O 'Connor with my golf cart.

It was an absolute, I swear.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. I have to tell someone.

How could you do this to me, Frank? I'm never going to get out of here. They

shouldn't have even been there. I had the right of way.

I'll say this. I shouldn't even call it a hit. It was really out of brush. But

that Angela, she is such a drama queen.

How do they know? They're fine.

They just walked them around the parking lot a few times, and then they trammed

them over to first aid.

They were in the parking lot?

Yeah. So then technically they were on the premises.

Yeah. So then technically I'm off the clock.

You know, if I take the next monorail, I can still get rerun down the water

slide before it closes.

Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts for this evening, Carol O 'Connor and Angela

Lansbury, will be unable to attend tonight's ceremony.

But in their place, please help me welcome Jim Dial and Murphy Brown.

I see here that Carol and Angela plan to begin the evening with a little musical

number, but I don't think Jim and I... Oh, affiliates, how we love you, how we

love you, our dear affiliates. Birthday, the world to... Well,

that was phrasing.

Let's just launch right in here, shall we?

Ah, Splendid.

Top ten list. Those could be amusing. Thanks,

Jim.

And now, the top ten reasons why you should stay with our network.

Number ten.

Affiliate fees are not scheduled to rise until the third quarter, and then at a

rate which will not exceed the average established in the prior...

No, it looked like it was only a top one list. Thank you, Jim.

That was delightful.

Now it's time to present our fabulous new fall lineup.

Carol O 'Connor exits.

Oh, that's me.

Murphy, back to you.

Thank you, Jim.

Let's kick things off with the show all of us here at the network are most

excited about.

The Green Team, a group of environmental crusaders advised by a crusty but

lovable orangutan.

And now, the dashing young star of the Green Team, Jerry McDonald.

Thanks for joining us, Jerry.

They say that like one of our former network stars, you can turn the world on

with your smile.

Next.

A hilarious new sitcom, Joanie Come Lately.

About a blue -collar mom and her brood of troublesome children. Please welcome

the star of Joanie Come Lately, Joanie Malone.

If it's hip urban comedy you want, look no further than Todd's Friends, starring

wry comic Todd Melman.

Todd's Friends. It's a show about anything.

And save some room for a family soup.

Just pour in one Irish cop, spice it up with...

Let's face it, the monkey has a point.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. This stuff is crap.

I can understand why some of you have thought about...

Can't it, Jerry? It's my turn. Sure, we've lost football

and I know there are a lot of other networks to choose from these days, but

trust me, the grass isn't always greener over there because, let's face it, most

of their stuff stinks too.

I say it's all of ours because we don't demand anything better. As Edward R.

Murrow once said about television, this instrument can... It

can illuminate.

Yes, it can even inspire.

But it can do so only to the extent that humans... Oh, shut up!

Get this monkey off the stage.

Great.

Stan.

Doesn't having a glass desk bother you?

I mean, who wants to look at their own legs all the time?

How did you know I was back?

I know everything that goes on down here.

By the way, tell Fontana to stop adjusting himself in the elevator when

thinks he's all alone.

Look, Stan, before you start talking, let me just say that I tried. I really

did. It's just that I'm a very bad liar.

You know, all it would take for me to get back in the White House press room

to tell Clinton his jogging is paying off. But every time I look at those

thighs, I just can't bring myself to do it.

Murphy, you screwed up.

You went down there in front of God knows how many affiliates. You dumped on

lineup. I know, Stan, I know. When you stormed off stage, you shoved dry

comedian Todd Melvin, star of Todd's Friends, into a pile of stacking chairs.

He had a ponytail.

That doesn't make it right.

On the other hand, you showed me that I was using that monkey all wrong. I had

him in a drama.

Who knew that chimp was a comedy genius?

I'm building a whole night around him.

What? Stan, you're pandering to the lowest common denominator. That's

the point I was making down there.

Thank God nobody heard it because they were so busy busting her gut over the

antics of that clever little monkey.

Why don't you give him a monkey girlfriend so you can bring in more

viewers? A monkey with a love interest. That's not bad.

Oh, Murphy, I...

help the network in its hour of need so if there's anything else you want to say

to me actually there is one more little thing that i would really like you to do

hi milwaukee this is murphy brown reminding you to catch the banana squad

fall hi cleveland this is murphy brown reminding you to catch the banana squad

this fall

Hello, Twin Cities. This is Murphy Brown reminding you to catch The Banana Squad

this fall on Channel 36.

We think you're going to love it. Right, Jerry?

I can't work like this.

Hi, New Haven. This is Murphy Brown.

Hi, New York.

Are you tired of doing stuff?

Yes! Then watch Easy TV Summer. It's four effortless hours of your favorite

followed by four equally effortless hours of your other favorite show.

Well, you make it sound easy. Easy TV Summer starts Tuesday, July 5th at 10

on Nick at Night.

Bonjour, Montreal.

Just sweet Murphy Brown.