Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown. You must be my new secretary.

Sorry, this will just take a sec.

Hi, Mom.

It's me, Davey.

Oh, I miss you too, Mom.

And Pop.

Of course, old Rusty.

Boy, I sure could use one of his wet, slobbery kisses right now.

What?

Look, unless I mistake, my guests seem to be a personal call. When you say

in a better place, you mean like that night your dog house we talked about,

right?

What?

It's not old Rusty.

No.

Well, at least he went peacefully.

What?

Look, maybe this isn't a good time. Why don't I come back later? Well, why was

Grandma walking him near the hay baler?

I'll definitely come back later. Well, let me talk to Grandma.

What?

This thing is amazing. It's got a stopwatch, a compass, a calculator,

I haven't even figured out what this thing does.

Give me some room, Jim. I'll tell you what could crawl out of here.

Good Lord, what is all this? Oh, you name it. Mail, bill, half -eaten

sandwiches. I've been so busy lately, I've just been tossing everything in

Figured I'd get to it sooner or later.

Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II invites you to attend the royal wedding of

Prince Charles and Lady Diana?

Okay, so I was later.

Oh, Murphy.

Hope you at least sent a gift.

Oh, yeah. That would have been money well spent.

Oh, God. This is Avery's preschool application. I was sure I filled this

What's today's date? It's the 19th. And North is that way.

It's a new watch you pulled.

It's the 19th. Oh, God. It's due today.

Okay. No problem. I can still fill this out and get it there in time.

It's had a photograph of your child. I know I got one of those in here

somewhere.

Ah, there it is.

This is from last Halloween. Isn't that cute? Isn't that adorable? Look at those

ears. He went as Dumbo.

No, he's Ross Perot.

I bet I'll get a big kick out of this at a Ducky Lucky preschool.

Ducky Lucky?

Well, I am impressed.

You know it? Are you kidding? Ducky Lucky is one of the finest preschools on

eastern seaboard.

Some pretty heavy hitters came out of old D .L.

Cabinet members, congressmen, lawyers.

How do you know so much about it, Miles? I thought you grew up in New York. I

did. I'm an L .B .P. man myself.

Little Bo Peep.

But the two schools are affiliated. It's sort of an Ivy League Seven Sisters

kind of thing. Oh, yeah. I bet those chocolate milk keg parties are out of

control. Come on. This is just a preschool we're talking about here,

there's no such thing as just a preschool, Frank.

Getting into the right preschool leads to the right kindergarten, which leads

the right grade school, which leads to the right prep school, which ultimately

leads to the right college.

Harvard. Oh, please.

Are you really saying that at three years old, Murph should be worried about

what college Avery gets into?

No. He should have started when he was two.

For heaven's sake. The lad is barely talking, and you've got him crawling out

his huggies straight into a raccoon coat.

When I was his age, I was given a blunt stick.

a ball of twine, and sat outside to amuse myself.

That was preschool.

I think I'm just going to run this over there right now. Oh, I'll time you,

Murphy. Go.

Well, damn.

Now go.

Damn. You know, Murphy, if you want, I could write Avery a recommendation.

A letter from an old Bo Peep man might go a long way in impressing that

admissions board. Oh, thanks, Father. I don't think that'll be necessary.

Oh, but you know, there is one thing you could do for me. Call personnel.

It's like I'll be needing a new secretary.

Come on!

Oh, excuse me.

Is everyone here waiting to drop off an application?

That's right.

You're Murphy Brown.

Oh, I watch you all the time. You know, people are always telling me how much I

look like you.

Yeah, it's like looking in a mirror.

You know, it's awfully crowded in here, and I've got a lot of work back at the

office. Would you mind dropping off my application form along with yours?

Thanks. Boy, you must really be confident. I mean, turning in your

without even seeing the administrator.

You mean you have to see the administrator just to drop off your

He's just the head of a preschool, right? He's not the great and powerful

I suppose you don't have to see the administrator, but with only ten

and 547 applicants, I know I need every edge I can get.

Did you say 500?

No, at least.

You know, there have even been rumors about people sabotaging other parents'

applications. Can you imagine?

You know, now that I think about it, I'm really not all that busy. Oh, really?

It's no trouble at all. I don't want to inform you. Oh, I don't mind.

No, no, no. Thanks anyway.

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Oh, no, no. Go right ahead.

Hi. I'm Bonnie Fielder. This is my husband, Bob.

Hi. I'm Murphy Brown. Great.

She's famous. She's in.

Excuse me.

Oh, don't mind him. He thinks that because there's so many celebrities and

politicians that apply to this school that our little Jason might have a

difficult time getting in.

Difficult? Might as well buy the kid a mop, a paper hat, and a little french

machine.

Bob thinks we didn't spend enough time on the application.

Oh, hey, listen, don't worry about it, Bob. To tell you the truth, I sort of

dashed mine off myself.

You see?

I told you we didn't need to hire those consultants.

That weekend seminar on how to prepare the application was more than enough.

You took a seminar?

Oh, well, just to help us with the presentation. You know, the essays here

the video biographies. It was our instructor who suggested that we put all

Jason's artwork on CD -ROM.

Amazing, isn't it? What some people will do to get their children into this

preschool.

Boy, am I glad you said that. I was beginning to think I was the only sane

person here.

No. And between you and me, those two should be nervous, as if a letter from

Clinton would actually get them in. I mean, who doesn't have one of those?

You have a letter from the president?

Better. I've got one from Hillary.

Thank you both for coming. You know, it's... Hard to believe your little two

-year -old made this model of a DNA strand all by herself.

I'll be sure to drop it off at the admissions board.

Ah, Miss Brown.

Here to drop off your application form.

I can take it if you want. Is that it?

This? No.

No, no. My application is really big.

I left it in my car outside at my house. I'll have to go because it's so cold.

Murphy, I need to know how you're coming on that UMP TV story. Miles, I'm on the

phone with Kissinger.

Ooh, that's my Murphy. Go get him, Tiger.

That's right, Henry.

Address it to the Ducky Lucky Preschool.

And I know it would make a big impression if you could run it over

in person.

So you're in Paris. You never heard of the Concord?

Hello?

Okay, Murphy, listen.

You know, Miles, you are absolutely right about taking this preschool stuff

seriously. I had no idea the competition to get Avery into Ducky Lucky would be

so tough.

Oh. Right.

Anyway, about that U .N. story.

Frank's source on his construction industry piece fell through, so we're

to have to drop his story and move yours up to this week.

Uh -huh. And get this.

Apparently, one of those Kennedys found out a ducky -lucky board member's kid

was having a birthday party and arranged for Arnold to show up dressed as the

Terminator.

He actually passed out little diaper pails with Hasta La Vista Baby on the

I really need this story, Murphy.

Are you listening to me?

Yep. Frank's story on construction is out. My piece on the U .N. is in.

Okay, recommendations.

Done.

Awards.

Bobby, find out what a kid would have to do to get one of those Congressional

Medals of Honor.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to stand in the way of Avery's education,

I don't want this interfering with your work. Excuse me, ma 'am, but not as if

everything is ground to a halt just so I can get Avery into preschool.

Slugger, about this letter you asked me to sign for Avery's preschool.

I'm sure you know how fond I am of the little type, but I really don't think

Einstein -esque is a word.

No one's asking you to think, Jim. Just sign it. I have my contact at Disney on

the phone. They're willing to do a Lion King show at the preschool, but they

need to know if you want a real lion or a man in a lion costume.

Gee, I don't know, Corky. Would you be impressed by a guy in a mangy old lion

suit? I don't think so. Fuck that cat!

Here you go, man.

Finally, Frank.

What kept you so long? What? I was only gone for 22 minutes and 38 seconds.

Oh, by the way, the relative humidity is 48%. Forgive me, though. It's almost

ducking up to snack time.

What is all this?

Cookies. I found out some of the other mothers have been trying to impress the

board members with that whole meat baking thing. And since baking isn't

my forte... Tell me about it.

Sugar detergent. It was an honest mistake.

Anyway, I figured I would spread some store -bought cookies on a cookie sheet,

crumble them up a little, and voila!

Homemade cookies from the kitchen of Murphy Brown.

She's scaring me.

Oreos, Frank?

You bought Oreos?

Who? Who doesn't love Oreos?

Homemade!

I spent the entire day whipping up a batch of my special creamy frosting and

then stamping the word Oreo on every cookie.

Well, you know, I am sorry. Look, if you don't like it, you should have gone out

and gotten your own zombie cookies.

Oh, God, there's not time now.

Wait the Oreo word off the top.

Come on.

Grab a knife and help me.

Murphy.

Murphy.

cookies and you're not even good at it this one says rio that one says or who

the hell do you think you're fooling this is just like when mr alabama

decided to do a scene from mcbeth for the talent competition she had this

thing where all our s's came out kind of wet sort of like daffy duck anyway some

people said out out damn spot

interesting story, Corky.

It doesn't mean something.

It means you shouldn't try to be something you're not.

What are your strengths?

My strengths?

What the hell are my strengths? I'm sure I'm smart, witty, successful, talented,

sophisticated. Einstein -esque.

Yeah. Thank you, Jim.

And I have lots of famous and fascinating friends who can attest to

don't see how that could... Wait a minute.

I have hundreds of famous and fascinating friends.

I should just give a party and invite those people along with the admissions

board members.

That ought to impress the pants off of old Ducky Lucky.

Great idea, Gorky. Thanks. Okay. Now, I'm going to need invitations. Something

understated. Maybe with a hologram.

I played her strength. I was thinking more along the lines of fear and

intimidation.

But a party might work, too.

Welcome.

Always nice to meet more ducky lovers.

Just go in and hand your coat to U .N. Secretary General Boutros Boutros

Or Uncle Boo -Boo, as Avery likes to call him.

And there's lots more famous people inside.

everyone a close friend or godparent of avery brown that's avery brown

great

party happy hour really nice touch 65 bucks an ounce frank touch it a little

less

and lay off the cristal.

If you're thirsty, I stuck a jug of Chablis under the sink.

Oh, God, I wonder if I ordered enough food. Do you think there's enough food?

What about the ice? Oh, God, we're running out of ice. Murph, relax.

Everything's going great. Boy, you're really uptight about this thing, aren't

you? I know, Frank. I can't help it. It's for Avery.

I don't want to mess it up.

I just wish I didn't have the feeling that while he's upstairs sleeping, his

entire future hinges on whether the gravlax is too salty.

Actually, it is a little on the briny side.

At least that's what Stephanopoulos said.

Excuse me. Murphy, I'd like you to meet some of the members of the admissions

board. This is Claudia Wallace, Bill Cameron, Roger Knox, our host, Murphy

Brown. Hello. Hi. Nice to meet you. I must say, this is quite a party. You

so many interesting people.

Yes, it's very impressive.

Oh, well, you want to see impressive, you should see Avery with his Fisher

-Price chemistry set. The other day, he came this close to cracking that whole

cold fusion thing.

Yes, well, it's almost as impressive as the party the parents of the Wexler boy

threw last month.

They must have spent a fortune renting that yacht.

And the lobster.

Fortunately, I'm not one of those competitive mothers who feels like they

to outdo other people all the time. Have you tried the caviar?

$65 an ounce.

Delicious. Have you tried it?

Oh, thanks.

Senator Boxer, Captain Kangaroo.

I'm so glad you could come. Are you having a good time?

Oh, a wonderful time, thank you. I was just telling Senator Boxer that some

people confuse me with Captain Crunch.

And that's ridiculous because he doesn't have white piping on his jacket.

Right, right.

Well, what about food? Have you had enough to eat? Oh, yes, but I should

that... People are talking about the grab lock.

It is a little salty.

Into it.

What about your drink? Do you need a refill?

No, it's fine. Thank you. Anything?

Anything at all? No, thank you. Then what the heck are you doing here? I

invite you both to yank with each other. Get out there and mingle.

So you're on the ducky lucky admissions board.

Good school.

Very good support. I'm thinking of sending my child there myself.

Really? That's wonderful.

How old is your little one?

Oh, oh, I don't have a little one yet.

Ah, ah, but you and your wife are expecting.

No, she's not.

I mean, we're not. I mean, I don't have a wife.

Oh, don't you worry, Mr.

Silverberg. At Duckie Lucky, we take great pride in the fact that we accept

kinds of alternative lifestyles.

Wait, I don't have an alternative lifestyle.

I don't have any lifestyle.

Excuse me, Murphy, but I'd like to get out of this suit. It's very

uncomfortable.

Hey, you don't hear General Schwarzkopf complaining, and I believe he outranks

you, Captain.

How do you think it's going? I don't know. I think they're having a good

Maybe they're just getting my hopes up, only to crush them later on.

I feel like quail at a Republican fundraiser.

You know, the problem with health care in this country is that it isn't

universal. And not enough people are covered, and it's a problem.

Have you met DeMurphy's son, Avery? He's really quite a remarkable child.

Now, our second child was a cesarean. Boy, what a messy deal that is. You ever

seen one?

Can't say that I have.

Well, they warn you not to look if you're at all queasy about that stuff,

bet you're just like me. I couldn't help but peek around that curtain.

And there they were. My wife's intestines splayed out on her torso like

of spaghetti.

Hey, I have some pictures you want to see? Oh, no, I... Dear Lord.

See, that's our little Caitlin's head.

First up, my wife's pancreas. Excuse me, I have...

I'm not saying he's responsible for peace in the Middle East, but when we

at the U .N., Yitzhak Rabin overheard Avery singing It's a Small World,

the Hebrew equivalent of Eureka, and raced for the phone.

Murphy! Oh, hey there, little buckaroo. What you doing up so late?

Well, I snuck in to take a peek at him, and he woke up asking for his kiki.

I'm not sure what that is. Is that you?

Kiki is his blanket.

Yeah, kiki.

Come on, Pete. I'll take you to your pee -pee.

Sorry, Murphy. I have to be going.

Well, well, this must be Avery.

Don't you worry about a thing, son. I've got a very good feeling you'll be

attending Ducky Lucky very soon.

From your lips to the other board members' ears.

Oh, don't worry about that. I can take care of them.

It's the least I can do after what you did for me.

Oh, well, it wasn't that much, really. I mean, the valet's already had your car.

It wasn't that much extra trouble to have them do a quick wash and wax.

Actually, I was talking about what you did for me at FYI.

Getting Fontana to drop that public housing construction story, you really

my butt.

What? Oh, not that my company's done anything wrong, but let's face it, we

cut a few corners here and there, right?

Um, wait a minute. I think there's been some misunderstanding.

Frank's story was dropped because his source refused to talk.

I had nothing to do with it.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Whatever you say.

See you at orientation.

Listen, I figured out a way to get Avery into that preschool.

You throw a big party, invite the whole board of directors and a whole bunch of

your big shot friends.

That'll piss the hell out of him.

Hey, I could even kill him. What do you think?

A party, you say? You know, that's not a bad idea.

You found out, didn't you?

Don't feel too bad, kid.

Half your guests spent the night here guzzling down beer to wash away the

of them god -awful gravlax.

What's up, Murphy?

Hey,

is that your answer from Ducky Lucky?

Oh, what's it say? What's it say?

I don't know. I haven't opened it yet.

Oh, man.

Don't tell me you're still thinking about what that guy from the admissions

board said. Come on, Murphy. Forget about it. I can't forget about it,

The guy thinks I got you to drop a story just so I could get my kid into police

school. He actually thinks I would do something like that.

Oh, please. We all know you better than that.

You wouldn't, would you? No.

Ordinarily, I would be the first one to support you on this, but this is Avery's

education we're talking about here. I know.

I know that's what makes it so hard.

Do you send your kid to the best school no matter what?

Or do you do the right thing and send him somewhere that might not be quite as

good? And who's to say this is the best school anyway? I mean, maybe I just got

sucked into all the hype.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

Maybe the best education I can give my kid is to be the kind of person I'd like

him to be.

Well, see you guys back at the office.

Wait a minute. You're just going to leave? You're not even going to open it?

Well, what's the point?

There's no way I'm going to send him there now, so it really doesn't matter

it says, does it?

I can't stand it. I have to know.

Be my guest.

Dear Ms.

Brown, We regret to inform you. Oh, my God. He didn't get in.

What?

You've got to be kidding.

I don't believe this. Oh, sure. They'll eat their waking candy off. But when it

comes to admitting a boy is the quality of my son.