Original subtitles

to admit that reaching 500 broadcasts is an amazing achievement.

One thing, it means we must have started when we were eight years old.

Period. A show like this is only as good as the people on it, and I feel

fortunate to have worked with the best. Oh, Merv, you're the best.

Okay, if that's all there is, it's on with the celebration, let's cut some

Don't let Merv hold a knife, she'll stick it in your back.

Fine, you cut it. That way you can give yourself the biggest piece. Oh, shut up.

Why don't you both shut up? You can all shut up.

Hey, five more minutes, you'll never have to see each other again.

Five minutes of hell. I'd rather be in hell. Then why don't you go to hell?

Oh, God, this is one of the worst days of my life. How the hell did we get

here, here, here, here? This has been another edition of FYI. Good night.

And we're clear.

All right, that is so long. Auf Wiedersehen and...

episode 499.

One more week to the end of the season and the big 500 and party time!

Followed by vacation time!

Followed by back to work time!

Sure, sure, laugh, make jokes.

Has the network settled your contract yet? How about yours?

Yeah, we might not even be back here next year. Uh -oh, here we go again.

Right on schedule.

Every three years your anxiety comes bubbling up like some sort of...

Geyser, there should be a park ranger standing next to you warning tourists

to get too close.

I'm sorry, but I break my back doing the best job I can. And what's the

response? Well, you're costing us too much money. We're going to have to cut

back on expenses.

You might not be worth it.

I got enough of that for my parents. I don't need it at work.

Wait, everything's going to work out fine.

Fine? Try great. Have you seen some of the money being tossed around? I hear

Diane Sawyer's deal is so big she has to use a hefty bag as a purse.

It's so big, Mike Nichols is thinking of changing his name to Mike Dollars. It's

so big. Now, now, now, now, now. Hold on a second.

You can't measure the rewards of this job solely in terms of money. And Corky,

next year when your contract's up, I want you to remember the same thing. Oh,

know that, Miles. I get to work with the most wonderful people in the world and

do something I can really be proud of. That's what's important.

And besides, with you all doing the dirty work now, I'll be able to cash in

without even lifting a finger.

I'm like a pig, guys.

I need contract time.

Those pencil -pushing, bean -counting, fair -in -the -face people.

You think your offer was bad? Mine was an insult.

Why not just toss me fish out of a bucket?

You should have seen the offer they made me. It was humiliating.

Do you think I should take it? I believe you, Stephanie.

This is how they...

Guys, guys, it was their opening offer. It was a bucket of fish.

Any pinching, money -grubbing, blind -covered... Did she do fair -faced music

yet?

Okay, I think we can move on then.

We do still have one more show to do this season.

First up, Corky has hit a little snag in her story.

Well, here's my problem.

If I do the story, I'm supposed to... Don't call, Murphy. It's your agent.

What? We're in the middle of a meeting. Tell him I'll call him back.

Or, you know...

I could just take the call and be done with it. Maybe that's the best idea. I

think it is. I'll be back before you know it.

Sorry, guys. Agent.

Yeah, agent.

What did he say?

Oh, you know, just typical agent stuff.

I'm God's gift to journalism.

Every network wants me.

But we were talking about Corky's story problems.

Corky, thank you. Jim, your agent's on the phone.

Oh, I should probably take this call.

Pardon me.

Sorry, y 'all. Like Murphy said, you know, typical agent talk.

God's gift to journalism. Every network wants me. I don't know why they feel we

need this constant reassurance.

Please, Corky, continue.

Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.

Sorry, sorry.

Agent stuff.

God's gift.

I'm wanted.

Actually,

you know, there was one.

Interesting thing.

My agent mentioned that apparently someone has been talking to NBC.

You're talking to NBC?

Oh, well, you know, it's just a negotiating ploy to throw a scare into

network. I mean, you guys know how that works. Of course we do.

And why would you say, of course we do so quickly?

Because I do.

What do you mean, because you do?

What do you mean, what do I mean?

And why do you sound so suspicious?

Well, why would you say she sounds so suspicious?

Why would you ask if he thinks I sound suspicious?

So what's that to you?

Absolutely the last time. It won't happen again.

Thank you.

When we were back that far, I believe my story was on the National Zoo.

Now, the visual centerpiece was going to be me feeding the chimpanzees.

season started a little early this year, and they're afraid a blonde woman

standing in the middle of Monkey Island might be an enticement to the dominant

male. And nobody wants a repeat of Sarah Purcell incident.

Excuse me.

I've already put two weeks of research into the story.

If it means fighting off a horny monkey, I'm just not sure if it's... What do

you think?

Sorry. Sorry, all.

That's the last time for me.

Okay, that's it.

No more agents. No more phone calls.

Anyone wants to negotiate their contract, they can do it tomorrow. Oh,

wasn't negotiating my contract. No, I was hearing about Frank and the

deal he's about to close with Fox.

All right, you've got a deal at Fox in one day. What are you doing? Playing

thrill -seeking handyman on Melrose Place?

Well, excuse me, but there is some interest.

Nothing definite, just a news magazine show built around me, one story per

and I get to help write the theme song.

That's a make -up on call.

So are you taking it?

I didn't say that. Are you taking NBC?

Did I say that?

Are you taking something?

Maybe I am. So you're not taking NBC?

Maybe, maybe not.

Then you are taking something. I didn't say that. So you're not taking Fox? I

didn't say that.

Or did I?

I'll just marry the monkeys.

TV.

Just wanted to say, have a good 500th show, Murph.

What are you doing?

Having my legs waxed.

Okay, I understand. If you feel the need to go through with this negotiating

ploy... Ah, you've seen through me, Miles. It is a ploy.

You know, Miles, if I were to switch my opening... You took it.

You took NBC. You said it was a negotiating ploy, and you took it. She

take it. It is a ploy. Talking's a ploy.

Packing's a ploy.

You're not packing. You're the one with the great deal of spots.

And you're ready to go to NBC.

She's not the real... Maybe I am, Frank. Maybe after 17 years, it's time for me

to strike out on my own. Maybe I'm ready for a new challenge. And why do I have

to clear this with you anyway?

It's not like we're joined at the hip, you know.

I'm okay, Frank.

You go ahead and pack if it makes you feel better. I'll help you as soon as we

finish up in here.

Oh, look.

The Emmy you won for the Senate show.

Remember how much fun we had doing that one?

Oh, well.

Might as well put it in this box and close the lid. Never to gaze upon it

our mutual eyes in this office again.

Fine, Craig. Go ahead and leave.

Good God, not you too.

They're not leaving. It's Chuck Boyce.

See? And I'm supposed to stand here waving goodbye like the village idiot

Charlie Carroll's Winnebago, which could have been mine for the asking, flies

off down the road with someone else in the driver's seat.

Why is Craig taking Xerox paper from them?

What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. The ship is going down, and

apparently it's every man for himself.

You guys are leaving?

Please, please.

Fine. Go ahead and leave.

Jim and I will be just fine.

I'm ready to move up anyway.

I can handle your interviews.

Garth Brooks, Momar Gaddafi.

You're all just people. They all want the same thing. They just want to be

loved.

Give me a damn box.

These are the guns that are in my office. I believe they're yours.

Squirt gun.

Chattering teeth.

X -ray glasses.

Where's the key to the teeth?

I don't have it. You can't wind them up without the key. They don't shatter

without the key. I said I don't have it!

Well, I don't think that stinks. What kind of person would lose the key?

just worthless now. They're just garbage.

Might as well throw them away. Okay, okay.

I think all of our nerves are just a little bit on edge.

Contract time will do that to you.

The important thing to remember is how much we care about each other. You're

family. Oh, this again.

Family.

Five people who happen to work together.

The truth is, outside of this job, we don't have anything in common. So what

you think? That we all wouldn't have been friends? Well, I'll say it first.

We all wouldn't have been friends.

Yeah,

Jim. Like I am going to really miss those dinner parties at your house with

Brinkleys while we have to stand around the piano while you play your favorite

show tunes.

Hey, no. My parties are... He's a music man. He's a music man with a big bass

drum. Hey, hey.

There's nothing in common. You're too self -absorbed. You're too self

And you're too peppy. Good.

I wouldn't want to have anything in common with any of you. Oh, my pleasure.

Stop. Stop it.

I am so tired of this.

You're like the Beatles.

And I'm Brian Epstein trying to hold it all together.

The man wore scars all through his life and croaked when he was 32.

Well, that's not going to happen to me. I am Bruce Ryan.

One more thing.

Someday. When you're old, you're going to look back on this and say, I was part

of one of the great shows in television history, only I was too stupid to

realize it.

Well, nobody said this would last forever.

Oh, God, this is the worst day of my life.

How the hell did we get here? Who cares how we got here? I just want to get out

of here.

It can get on with our lives.

Talk about making up for lost time. I've wasted 17 years of my life on this

show. Tell me about it. My life would have been much better if I hadn't gotten

stuck here.

You said it. For once, we agreed.

Excuse

me,

bartender. Hey there.

Welcome to Phil's.

Wait a minute.

I know you, you...

That's right.

Regis and Murphy Lee.

Would you like an autographed photo?

No. Oh, you're a shy one.

Here you are.

Gee, thanks.

I know exactly where to put it.

So, what would it take for me to get a table in here?

A grease fire in the kitchen.

Oh.

Uh... Oh, that table would be willing to share. You're both in the same

business. You might enjoy each other's company. Oh, what the heck?

Excuse me. Hi.

I was told this seat might be free.

Why, certainly.

I... Aren't you... That's right.

Murphy Lee of Regis and Murphy Lee. And you're Jim Dial. I never miss your show.

You watch The Naked Truth? Every night.

what TV guy says, I don't think you're the carnival freak show of journalism.

And as a viewer, I'm curious about Jeffrey Dahmer and the last hours of

Monroe and whether a jar containing Hitler's brain was actually found at the

garage sale in Topeka, Kansas.

That was a good show for us.

Uh, excuse me, the guy over at the bar said I might be able to find a

seat here.

Hey, you're a...

That's right, Murphy Lee Brown of Regis and Murphy Lee. And Jim Donnell, host of

The Naked Truth.

Would you like an autographed photo?

Oh, no, no, that's okay. Thanks.

I'm Frank Fontana, managing editor of the Asbury Park Daily Record.

You ever heard of that? Can't say that I have.

You mind if I smoke?

Oh, thank God.

Quit. Oh,

my

God.

That's Horton Sherwood. What a tragic career. One day, you're Miss America.

next, you're being fired from Baywatch because of artistic differences with

David Hasselhoff.

Wow. Are those real?

No.

We did a story on them.

After Baywatch, she said she never wanted to lose another role.

Sadly, they didn't seem to help.

Now she travels the country judging beauty pageants and opening bowling

Dear Lord, they're coming our way.

Hey, can I have a smoke?

Wait a minute.

I know you.

You're, um, Paley Brown of Regis and Murphy Lee.

Jim Dial.

...of the naked truth.

You anybody?

Frank Montana, Asbury Park Daily Record.

Could have just said no.

What brings you to our nation's capital?

I'm judging another damn beauty pageant.

I swear to God, if I had to listen to one more 19 -year -old idiot talk about

how our finest wishes for world peace, I'm going to blow my brain down.

Oh, no.

Sure, you don't mean that.

But if you do, please call me first.

You know, I would love to have you on the show.

Why? Do another one of those, whatever happened to that loser segment?

Oh, gosh, no, I just, you know, I meant... Oh, it's okay.

I'm used to it.

Start off with big dreams, wind up with big knockers.

What are you staring at?

Well, you don't always get what you want.

I mean, look at you.

Spending your life on that morning show doing...

Tummy -toning exercise with John Ratzenberger.

Trying to convince the world that a jar full of cow innards is the brains of

Adolf Hitler.

I don't even know you, but you look miserable.

All right, now.

Remember,

great guys are gonna clear us.

Put on a happy face. Put a sock in it, will ya?

Excuse me, I'm not miserable.

What? Frank Fontana is not miserable. My life has value and meaning.

Okay, so my four marriages didn't work out.

I'm not some hotshot investigative reporter. So what?

People need to know about those new parking meters over on Main Street.

The pew renovation at the First Methodist.

The new frozen yogurt flavor at Frosty Freeze. Oh, God, I am miserable.

Did you not publicly humiliate yourself every week?

I was going to be the next Walter Cronkite.

I had the voice, the height, the hair.

I never landed that show that can push you to the top.

Now I spend my life standing on a cherry picker outside Neverland, shouting

questions to Michael Jackson's llama keeper.

I have a perkiness

clause.

What?

A perkiness clause? I have a perkiness clause in my contract.

I have to be bouncy and perky all the time or they can boot my ass off the

I've blown every opportunity I've had in this business.

This is it for me.

So I just sit there, smiling at old Reeves.

Whenever he's not looking, I just pour another shot of scotch into my coffee

mug.

My whole life is a lie.

You're not going to sing again, are you?

Bill!

A bottle of champagne and five glasses to celebrate the 500th episode of FYI.

And we couldn't do it without you, Miles.

Hey, buddy. You're the man. The best producer ever.

You've taught me so much.

For you kids, knock it off.

Excuse me.

This is our regular table.

Okay. I was going to say this, but what the heck?

Guess what I have lined up for next season's opening episode?

What? An entire hour with President Quayle.

Oh, no, I should be kidding. And another 500.

Cut it already.

They're running out of film.

You can't leave until you cut it.

I don't want to leave.

What?

I don't want to leave.

But Frank and Jim cut it. They want to leave.

I don't want to leave.

I was only leaving because you were going to leave.

I don't want to leave either.

I don't want any of you to leave.

Why didn't anybody say something? What were we going to say? Give up that great

deal and stay here?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're the best.

You're the best.

You know something?

We are a family.

Only a family. could be this messed up.

I knew it.

I knew you wouldn't leave.

I wasn't really worried.

That was my ploy.

I play you like a violin.

Yeah, right. You're Yasha Heifetz.

Miles, you're right. We do belong together.

All of us.

As a matter of fact, you belong on this cake, too. Right, guys?

Yes, you do. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I know what's coming. Miles belongs on

cake, too. Well, I'm not going to give you dissatisfaction.

Oh, God,

it's an ice cream cake.

Hello, Mother.

Ah, you are home.

Oh, there's some lasagna in the fridge.

Don't try to close the kitchen drawers because they still might be wet.

And by the way, I don't know what kind of bedtime stories you've been telling

Avey because...

He woke up crying because he thought Oliver North was going to be elected to

Senate.

I guess I better go back to goodnight

moon.

See you tomorrow.

Hey, Alden.

Yes.

Sometimes you have people in your life and they're important to you and you

don't get around to telling them. So that's what that was.

Oh, you're not dying, are you? No.

You're moving away?

No. I knew it. You're going to ask me to take a cut in salary.

It's a thank you hug. Now, will you get out of here?

All right, I'm going.

You're okay, too.

I'll see you tomorrow.