Original subtitles

He's a rebel and he'll never, never be any good.

He's a rebel cause he never, never does what he should. Just because he doesn't

do what everybody else does.

There, Murphy.

Second paragraph. How can you not see something that's right in front of you?

Mile, your tie's in your pocket.

What?

Oh, great.

Just great. This one was my favorite.

How can you tell? They all look the same.

This one has a really big stain.

All right, all right. Let's just pick this up after lunch. How about two?

No, no. Better make that 215.

That'll give me enough time to run over to Brooks Brothers and get a new tie.

Oh, haven't you heard? They're all out.

Big problem at the factory.

Evidently, the snowboarders got so sick of churning out those strike numbers

that they spun little nooses and hung themselves.

You know, I really should take you shopping.

Humor. This somehow amuses you, Frank?

Well, yeah, women always think they know how to dress men.

Best way to help Miles look out is for him to go with another guy like me.

What's wrong with my look?

Oh, nothing, if you're tearing tickets down at the Cineplex.

Listen to them, Miles. There's nothing wrong with finding a style you like and

sticking with it. Thank you, General. And sticking with it. And sticking with

it.

Look who's talking. You're more conservative than I am.

You can't be serious.

Look at this rose pinstripe.

My socks have flecks of gold.

If I compared to you, I'm a chorus boy at the Tropicana.

Open your eyes, ma 'am.

Don't you worry, Miles. I'll take you shopping. We'll make it Saturday.

I have a few things to pick up anyway.

Purse, a belt, blouse to go with my new red suit.

There's a couple of shoe sales I want to check out. You know what?

You better set aside the whole day. Oh, that's going to be so much fun.

Why does everybody want to take me shopping? There is nothing wrong with

Brothers. I even have my own salesman.

Bert. Every time he sees me, it's, hello, Mr. Silverberg.

What can I do for you, Mr. Silverberg?

Are you working out, Mr.

Silverberg? Oh, yeah, you're hunky. Look.

Excuse me, you need some help. And since my interview with Oliver North was

rescheduled to not in this lifetime, you're a luck. I'll take you shopping.

That's all right. Oh, definitely.

Shop with a woman who dresses like this. But tell me, do you keep your socks in

this drawer?

I'll take you shopping. No, I don't need great. You'll both come back looking

like Italian peasants with your shirts buttoned up to here.

GQ, babe. Hot for spring.

What year, Frank?

1982?

I'm going shopping by myself. Hey, it's your life.

How about Miles? Just out of curiosity, if you had to choose between me and

Frank, who would you have picked?

Murphy, let go of the door. Miles, you're holding up an elevator full of

Answer the question.

All right, if I had to pick, I'd choose Frank.

Wrong answer, crazy boy.

Hi there, and welcome to Caravaggio.

May I help you find something today?

Yes, he's looking for a suit.

But you obviously don't have any. Let's go. Oh, I have plenty.

And I'd be happy to show them to you.

My name is Patios.

I know you. I am a big fan.

I'm in love with that jacket.

Who is this?

Miles Silverberg.

Right this way, Miles.

Mr. Silverberg.

You are what, about a 38 short?

Regular. 38 regular. Bert would have known that.

Forget Bert. Bert's dead. A wall of wingtips fell on him.

Now, these suits have just arrived from Milan. They are the spring line from

Roberto Brandini.

The suits, they come in wheatgrass and mustard, but for your coloring, I am

going to recommend eggplant.

I don't think so.

Eggplant upsets my stomach.

Look, don't you have anything that looks more like this?

I mean, what's wrong with this? Well, the thought that blazer is cutting you

half, making you look shorter than you are. And those vents, you might as well

have signed on the back that says wide load.

But with this springini, it would smooth out lumps while lengthening and

enhancing the torso.

So, what are you saying?

I'm a lumpy troll with a big butt?

The dressing room was over here.

I'll find you a different shirt.

Okay, okay. Maybe it's not what I would have chosen, but we're here to

experiment. Go on, try it on.

I can't believe I let you rope me into this.

Here I am, successful man in my 30s. Suddenly I'm back shopping with my Nana

Silverberg.

Oh, yeah, that was fun.

She'd take me to Saks, have them bring out jacket after jacket until she found

the perfect one. Then, when they weren't looking...

She'd write down the style number, fake heart palpitation, and we'd wind up on

the Lower East Side buying the same suit wholesale out of the trunk of a car.

Murphy?

Murphy? Oh, sorry, Miles. You lost me when you said I reminded you of your

grandmother.

I want to see the suit. Okay.

I feel like the villain in a Batman movie.

I'm not surprised.

You look ridiculous. Take that thing off. Oh, you look sensational. I love

This is wonderful.

You're on commission, aren't you? Take it off, Miles. We'll find something

Fine. But nothing from the produce department.

Listen, Thaddeus, I rarely say this, but let's look for something more

conservative. Think Bob Dole without the glitz.

Well, I do have this.

It is blue.

It is the dullest thing I have in school.

It's perfect.

Hey, Miles? Right here.

Try this on.

Murphy, what are you doing?

You've got boxers on. It's not like I can see anything.

Whoops!

Decorum dictates that a 20th anniversary be commemorated with a gift of fine

china.

But here at Nick at Night, we're celebrating our 20th with a gift of time

travel.

All I meant was I didn't see that much of your chop.

this black well.

Where are the bags?

Yeah, what's the matter? Didn't you see anything interesting?

We saw nothing.

Nothing at all.

What is with you people?

We have work to do. We're workers.

If this were a beehive, we'd all be sitting around on our stingers and

would have any honey.

We have a meeting to finish. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.

I'm just going to get my notes.

Oh, Murphy, can I borrow your copy of Last Study's Washington Post? There's an

article on...

I got a text that I... Okay, what's going on with Miles?

What makes you think something's going on? Oh, come on. He was fine this

morning. Then you took him shopping. Now he's buzzing around the office like a

giant bee.

Does something happen on the way to the store?

On the way to the store? No.

Okay, at the store. Something happened at the store.

Oh, my God. They didn't decline his credit card, did they? That's the most

embarrassing thing in the world.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Look, I forgot to feed McNeil. You know, I think he's still mad at me for

flushing Lyra down the toilet.

You're changing the subject. That means it is something.

Tell me, Murphy.

I can't. Why not?

Um, well, let's just say it's not something Miles wants out in the open.

She saw me, Frank.

She saw me.

She saw me.

Bonnie. No, no, no. It's nothing. Of course not. So she saw you. So what?

So what?

Oh, come on, Miles. There's nothing to get all worked up about.

Has she ever seen yours? Oh, God, no.

You know, really, I only say that because it's Murphy, not because I have

anything to be concerned about.

So what do you think?

That I do?

Because I don't.

I know that.

I mean, I don't know that, but... Listen, I'm sure you haven't had any

complaints, right, man?

Complaints? I don't think so.

Quite the opposite, my friend.

Well, there you are, right? Nothing to be embarrassed about, in fact.

Could be something to be proud of, huh?

They've been in there for a while.

You don't... Oh, no, definitely not. Women don't talk about stuff like that.

Oh, my God!

Keep your voice down!

Oh, my God! Then what happened?

Oh, well, I'm not exactly sure.

He let out some kind of little yelp, and then he bounced into the wall, and then

he tripped on his pants leg and fell on the floor.

it's best to picture the men you work with as Ken dolls.

Well, he's not a Ken doll. No?

Just pick something on your desk that it looks most like.

Corky! Well, I'm sorry, but I haven't seen as many as you.

What am I, a urologist?

Anyway, we shouldn't even be having this conversation. You know how insecure men

are when it comes to that part of their anatomy.

Oh, wouldn't you be?

It's like going through life wearing a flankey.

And I will tell you something else about women.

Freud was right on the money about that envy thing.

Because for a brief moment, I saw a look in her eye that couldn't be explained

any other way.

Hey, we've all been there.

And that's why value -added taxes don't work.

Hi, Miles.

Oh, there you are.

Let's get this meeting started.

Sure. Great. No, not great. Just what we do. We have meetings.

And here's Jim to join our meeting. I'm sorry I'm late, Miles.

Hope I didn't leave you dangling.

You told her?

Did you tell her?

Real murph. You told Frank?

Yeah, he told me. I can tell another guy. Tell a guy what? I can't tell you.

Because it's embarrassing to Miles. Yes, and I shouldn't be embarrassed. But

what was I supposed to say?

Would somebody please tell me what's happened?

Murphy saw Miles' wiener. Well,

you

told me and Miles told Frank somebody had to tell Jim.

No, they didn't.

And after six years of working together, you should know that's precisely the

sort of thing I want kept from me.

Now, I believe we were in the middle of a meeting, and I, for one, would like to

finish it.

You, sit.

You, talk.

We'll start with you, Murphy.

I saw your edit on that NATO story.

It's very informative, very thorough.

But I want you to go back into editing. What? Why?

Because after really looking at it, I'm convinced your piece is too long.

you to follow up with that executive from Capitol Records on a possible

reunion concert because he might have a hot tip.

Please.

Might have a hot beat.

Jim. I read your commentary.

Excellent.

No, no, no, no.

All right, you're right to laugh.

You know, I mean, if it had happened to anybody else, I'd be making jokes, too.

Hey, want to go to the movies?

I hear the fly is reopening.

And then Free Willy is coming out.

Here's another one.

Knock, knock.

My penis. This isn't funny at all!

Come join us. No, no, thanks. I'm just getting something to go. I'm busy.

Very busy. In fact, who am I kidding? I don't have time for a sandwich. It's

okay, Phil. Cancel it. Uh, uh, Miles, you can go. But before you do, we have

talk. Come on over here and sit down.

Now, there's something I want to tell you.

And I'm going to tell it in front of everyone.

It's the story about a little girl in fourth grade.

A little girl who was just as embarrassed as you.

That it was Murphy.

It happened during story time. We were all taking turns reading out loud when

the book was passed to Matthew Flynn, this little brat who always thought he

smarter than I was. So when he said the word sovereign, I stood up and said,

excuse me, Mrs. Ramsdell, but I think that word is pronounced souvenir.

But it really was sovereign.

Oh, yes, it was.

And I just wanted to die.

That's it?

That's your most embarrassing moment?

Well, of course there are others during my drinking days, but I mean, how many

times can you hear about the evening at the White House when I grabbed the

microphone from Liza Minnelli and did my own version of New York, New York?

I think the point Murphy's trying to make here is...

is that at one time or another, we've all been deeply embarrassed. I mean, who

here hasn't dropped a tray in the cafeteria?

Or flooded a toilet at someone else's house?

My biggest fear.

Or lost the inflatable woman your friends got you for your 16th birthday,

to find your little sister floating on it at the Flatbush Community Pool.

Your turn, Court.

This will help you, Miles.

It was the Fourth of July parade in Nebo.

I was 15, and as captain of the drill team, I got to twirl the flaming baton.

Well, my first two tosses were perfect.

But on the third toss, I must have given a little something extra.

I waited and waited.

All of a sudden, I smelled smoke.

I turned around to see.

The entire salute to Cotton Float completely engulfed in flames.

The embers spread to Uncle Sam's pant leg. Well, you never saw a man on stilts

run so fast.

Wow. Burning down your hometown.

That's about as embarrassing as it gets, don't you think? Of course, we haven't

heard from Jim. Jim?

I'd rather not. Thank you.

Okay, well, then I think this has been good. I mean, obviously, we've all had

moments where we just wanted the earth to open up and swallow us, but we

to rise above it. So, I think we should just put this behind us and move on with

our lives. I want to hear Jim's.

He, uh, he wants to hear yours, Jim.

Miles would feel better if he heard yours.

Our friend who we love and care for. Oh, all right.

I must know.

I was on a plane to Paris in 92.

We were about an hour into the flight when I decided to freshen up.

I securely locked the lavatory door behind me. I distinctly remember that.

So you can imagine my surprise when I brushed up against it and the door flew

open, giving the entire cabin an unobstructed view of my bare bottom.

You mooned the plane?

I'll never forget that. The expressions on the faces of those two elderly women

in the front row.

One of them was... The other was... The

most horrifying experience of my entire life.

Well, that's about as embarrassing as it gets, wouldn't you say, Miles? I

mean... I guess about a hundred people saw Jim's bare bottom. Wouldn't you say,

Jim, about a hundred people saw your bare bottom?

I never really stopped to count.

I think at least a hundred, and then let's not forget Jim is famous, so all

those people probably told all their friends, and then they told all their

friends, so I'm guessing about a thousand, no, a couple thousand people

talking about Jim's bare bottom.

She might still be a little sensitive about the whole thing. And can you blame

him? I mean, just picture it. Excuse me, stewardess, I didn't know I was in the

tail section.

Oh, fine.

Go ahead and laugh, you with your little floaty girlfriend.

At least I only humiliated myself in front of strangers. And then cheated in

front of her entire town.

Oh, well, maybe my cheeks were red.

But I bet your cheeks were redder.

Just about enough of it. All right, I think it's clear that...

We're all open to a little friendly ribbing. Now, we can't just be too

about these. Start spreading the news.

Hey, lay off, moon man.

It happened 15 years ago, and I've gotten over it.

Well, you haven't.

None of you have.

All you've done is prove that your embarrassing moments stay with you for

rest of your life.

I thought if I could just get through the next couple of days, it would be

But it won't.

See?

You people don't... have to see the airplane ladies or Liza Minnelli every

But I can't avoid Murphy.

Unless I change jobs.

Maybe there's an opening at the morning show.

At least Paula Zahn hasn't seen me with my pants down.

No, but she's certainly heard the story.

Geez, you never knock, do you?

I know you men think the world revolves around your South Poles, but what

happened yesterday was just a silly little incident between two friends that

over in the blink of an eye.

Okay, maybe three blinks. The point is, it hasn't affected my relationship to

you, and you shouldn't let it affect your relationship to me. I know I

shouldn't, but it does.

If it were anyone else...

Jim or Frank or Corky or Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It wouldn't matter as much.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

I have enough problems. Don't ask me where that came from.

The fact is, you don't realize what you're like.

You are a powerful and intimidating person, and I have worked hard to gain

respect. It has taken me a long time to establish my authority with you, and now

that's gone.

Now your opinion of me has been diminished.

Or enhanced.

That's not where your authority comes from. I mean, you're smart, you're

creative, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It's all just words.

Our balance has been altered, and there is nothing that can change that.

Well, looks like we have a real problem here.

I guess there's only one thing left to do.

Restoring the balance.

Now, when you think... What?

You're taking off your shirt?

Well, talking didn't work.

This is how much our friendship means to me. I don't know what else to do.

I don't know how to fix this.

You're taking off your shirt? You are not. You're bluffing. All right, all

right, all right. You're not bluffing. Hey, hey, you know, suddenly I feel a

better about this.

I mean, it's all authority and respecting.

Ooh, it's back.

No, you don't sound too convinced. I'm not, I'm not, but I'm willing to work on

it because as difficult as this has been, it would be harder carrying around

image of for the rest of my life.

Are you sure? Yes!

Thank God.

I haven't flashed these since Woodstock.

I want you to know I appreciate the gesture.

Hey, what are friends for?

Oh, Rhett, I dropped a button.

What does it look like?

To celebrate our 20th anniversary, we're going to party like it's 1985 with a

lineup of hit shows from the year Nick at Night began.

It's Nick at Night's 20th anniversary celebration.

Three nights beginning tomorrow night at 10 p .m.