Original subtitles

Okay, okay.

Here's where I'd start the clip. This is perfect for an anniversary show.

Visual, compelling.

I

don't

even wait for an answer. Just bam, I am in there. That is riveting stuff, huh?

Hold your fire!

I come in peace!

It's a memorable clip. That's what you're saying, right? Oh, yeah, it's

memorable. We remember it from the 10th anniversary show, the 15th, so why not

shove it in America's face for the 17th?

We hate it when we do anniversary shows.

Just one big reminder that there was an FYI before I came along, and I have to

sit there like the second wife at Thanksgiving dinner while everyone else

about how good dead Judy's gravy was.

Good morning, people.

Just a reminder, I need a list of clips you all want to run on the anniversary

special, except for Frank, who I assume will be using I Come in Peace.

I'm still thinking.

Sure you are.

In the meantime, I thought a neat way to make this show special would be to

bring back all the old FYI correspondents. I hate the idea.

The problem is, Peter Hunt is on assignment in Peru.

Jerry Gold is doing something in Los Angeles he can't get out of. And I'm

trouble finding Stuart Best.

I don't suppose any of you know where he is?

Who's Stuart Best and who cares?

He was one of the original FYI anchors. It's weird. You watch the old FYI tapes

and there's Jim, Frank, Murphy, and this other guy. I'm not even sure how many

shows he was actually on.

Six. He did these commentaries, quirky, offbeat observations on life.

And he had this tagline, I'm Stuart Best and that's alls I know.

Whatever happened to this guy? Why did he leave FYI?

Well, to tell you that... He just didn't click with the network. It's a clicking

problem, that's it.

I'm not giving up. He's out there. I'm going to find him.

You know, Murph, I think I left my eye -coming peace tape in your office. Let's

go get it.

I've got it, too.

I can't believe it. You almost told. She almost told.

So what? It was 17 years ago. What are we hiding? What are we hiding? You know

what we're hiding, and you almost told. But she didn't, and you're not going to,

are you, Murphy, because the three of us made a pact, and no one will ever know

of that dark day 17 years ago when we told the network it was either him or

It seems so clean, so easy. Who would have ever expected that one day it would

come back to haunt us, but it does. It always does.

You've got to hold him. You're so mad.

I just never thought we'd be talking about Stuart again.

Hey, guys.

Don't you ever feel a little guilty about what we did?

Oh, well, yes.

After all, it cost him his job.

Murph?

No. I don't believe in feeling guilty. And even if I did, Stuart, it wasn't

good. That wasn't our fault. We did what was best for the show. Besides, he

drove us crazy. All his annoying habits.

Remember how he used to take off his shoes and, as he so charmingly put it,

out the old dogs?

And he called... me Murph, Frank. No one calls me Murph except you.

That's true.

And what about all's I know, Jim? Remember all's I know? You hated all's I

Because there's no such word as all. It's all I know. All, damn it.

Dear Lord, you don't suppose Miles will find him. Oh, he's going to find him,

and it's going to come out what we did.

He's not going to find him, and even if he does, no one's ever going to know it

was us.

Okay, new pact.

None of us ever tell, and none of us ever feel guilty about what we did.

Agreed?

He cleaned his ears with other people's pencils.

Agreed.

Attention,

FYI. This is your life.

Do you recognize this voice?

Don't you hate it when you haven't seen your friends for a long time? I know I

do. And that's...

to see you in my spot.

When the network dumped me, they said FYI would work better with just three

anchors. Well, now they want four.

Sure, those backstabbing network types flip -flop all the time, don't they? One

minute you're royalty, the next minute security's showing you the gate.

But I'm not bitter. It worked out for all of us.

You guys have gone on to phenomenal success.

Bounced around the affiliates for a while.

Baltimore.

Muncie.

Fargo.

And then the smaller markets.

Every newsman's nightmare, huh?

Who would have thought it really happened?

So, Stuart, you're looking well.

Oh, you can say it, Jim. I'm balding.

After I left here, my hair just started falling out and clumped.

The point being, other than your career shifts and the clumping, life has been

good.

Yes, Jim, it really has.

Sure, my time at FYI was the happiest year, well, month and a half of my life.

But now I'm in movie business.

Really? That's great.

What sort of work do you do, Stuart? I rate films for the MPAA.

Maybe you've seen some of my work.

Jurassic Park, PG -13.

Mine.

Still got the same secretary?

Uh, no, I think I have a new one now.

Me too. My old one ran off with my business manager, wiped me out.

Sometimes you just, you just don't know who to trust.

Hey, my office. I'm going to see my old office.

It's not our fault.

You know, I want to be mad at him, but it's just too sad.

It's like his whole life went downhill after he got fired.

Good thing for him. He's gotten the chance to experience the simple

small -town America, and now he gets to see all of those films before they're

released, and for free.

In a way, I envy him.

You see, three different doctors thought it was probably an allergic reaction to

wheat flutes. If we could just discuss the anniversary show.

I was thinking you could come on, say hi, and if there's time, we'll show a

clip. Do you have a favorite?

I suppose Frank already has dibs on I Come in Peace.

Just kidding, bud.

Well, a favorite all's I know. It's so hard to choose. And you guys never even

saw the seventh one, the one that never aired.

Yeah, those backstabbing network types made sure of that.

Bastards.

That all's I know clip. Let's see.

Better when you air out the old dogs.

Frank, can I borrow your pencil?

Hey, Murph. Oh, hey, guys.

Where's old Stuart?

Stuart? Oh, I believe the last I saw him, he was heading for the editing

You told him we were coming here, Frank. Me? Oh, gosh, no. Gee, I figured you'd

tell him, Jim.

Perhaps we should have waited for him or left him a note.

I can't believe you guys.

I can't believe you waited six weeks.

I met Stuart an hour ago. I'm ready to drop the axe.

So why don't you?

What? It was your idea to put Stewart on the anniversary show. You can take him

off. Come on, Murph. He's only going to be on it for a minute. You can't take

that away from me. Really, Murph. He's fine. I stand alone. All great thinkers

have.

Hey, there you are.

Guess you didn't hear me calling.

Boy, I thought you'd be here at Phil's. Good...

remember everything about this place.

Then you should remember you left a $16 bar tab and some bicentennial earmuffs

here. I'll get them for you.

Thanks.

Hey, Phil.

I'll have the usual.

Coming right up. One glass of my finest tap water.

Oh, yeah. I missed you.

Say, Phil, you still got that men's room?

Yeah. We tried the place without one, but the customer seemed to miss it.

I should have sold the place when I had the chance.

The only thing that makes that guy bearable is knowing what he did for you.

What did he do for me?

Oh, I'm not surprised you don't remember.

It was the night before the first FYI, and you were knocking back a few, when

Stewart came running in.

It seems he'd heard the network execs were coming over here, so he hustled you

out the back door while they came in the front.

Nice, huh?

Maybe he even saved your job.

Oh, no, Phil, don't tell me this.

Did I thank him?

I took it on his shoes, Cal.

Oh, jeez. Murphy, Murphy.

We've been talking about Stuart and the anniversary show and... We were wrong.

You were right. We want him out.

What?

Oh, oh, hey.

I mean, Stuart's only going to be on the show for a minute. You said so

yourselves. Do you really want to take that away from him? Yes. I mean, you're

feeling guilty now.

Me?

Right, Frank, right.

No, you know, I just know how this is going to work. We'll fire Stuart, and

in a week, you and Jim will start feeling guilty all over again, and then

will feel guilty, and Miles, you feel guilty if you don't eat a piece of fruit

every day. I don't want to go through 17 years of that.

All right, 30 seconds, people.

John, I don't believe it. It's John.

standards have made FYI the finest news magazine on television.

I am proud of you people and all that you've accomplished.

Thank you.

All right, we're going live in five, four, three, two.

Good evening and welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight, we bring you a very special 17th anniversary

In this hour, we'll be looking at some of our favorite things.

Some things you haven't seen for a long time.

Some things you've seen quite often.

But there's no better place to start than at the beginning.

FYI premiered in the fall of 1977.

Jimmy Carter was president.

Luke Skywalker had the force with him.

And I was teamed for the first time with Murphy Brown and Frank Fontana.

17 years later, I'm delighted to count them among my dearest friends.

And, of course, you sure would, too.

Just didn't mean her until much later.

Completing the group back then was Stuart Best.

Known for his witty... Stuart decided to leave FYI early on.

But we're thrilled to have him back with us tonight.

Stuart?

Hey, guys.

Stuart. Stuart catches up with your life. I hear you've done some writing.

Yes, I have, Jim. Since I left here, I've written two books.

All's I Know and the sequel, All's the Other Stuff I Know.

If I could just find a... Publisher.

It's been awfully good to see you again, Stuart.

Thank you. You know, it's funny. I was nervous before I came out here, but this

has actually been a pleasure. We're glad.

Up next, we... It's like when I did my first alls I know. I thought I'd be

nervous, but I wasn't.

Fascinating, but we can't linger too long. We have so much to cover. That's

right. You know, my second alls I know, that one went even better. Remember, I

called for a stamp commemorating the late Elvis Presley 17 years ago.

This is silly. Me standing here, what am I doing?

So long.

Over the years, Murphy Brown has logged more than half a million miles in the

air. If a story happened, she was there to cover it, or in many cases, uncover

it. Now, we all know a journalist is supposed to be unbiased, but that's not

always possible, is it?

That's very true, Jim. You know, I was one of the first to go to Chernobyl.

better. You remember my third commentary?

It was in October, and the gas prices were just soaring. Do we have a clip of

that one?

I'm afraid we'll have to wait. We'll be back with more of this special FYI in a

moment. And we're clear.

What the hell was that?

You were supposed to come on and say hi.

Just hi, not hi.

What are you doing? Here's the story of my life.

It feels so great out here. It feels so right.

I mean, I could go on all night. No, no, no, no, no. You can't, Stuart. Miles,

please, I'll handle this. One minute to air, people. I know, John.

Now, Stuart, I know this has been fun, but we really have to move on.

But why?

Murph, this is perfect. Once the network sees the old gang together again,

they'll realize that firing me was a big mistake. 40 seconds. Tick -tock, tick

-tock. Um, Stuart, I don't think that's going to happen. I think it's time to

stop looking back and look forward with your life. You've got people to meet,

movies to rate. 30 seconds.

Stuart,

you've got to go now.

No!

Murph, this is our big chance. We can make FYI the show it was meant to be.

old chemistry, the old...

And there's no such word as old. It's all I know.

It wasn't the network. It was us. We wanted you fired. My name's Murphy.

Get off the stage!

You wanted me

fired?

I thought it was the network. I thought you were my friends.

Oh, God.

That didn't really come out right.

We're going to go live in 5, 4, 3, 2... And

we're back.

They can really get a guy.

We were talking to Murphy Brown.

Murphy, has the experience of working on FYI changed over the years? Oh, it

certainly has, Jim.

Tireless, hard -fighting crusaders. But we here know another side of FYI. A

warmer side.

A side that is like a family. That's the side we'd like to talk about next.

Because when we talk about FYI... Oh, jeez.

Now, now, Murphy.

We were all ready to dump him from the show.

You shouldn't feel too guilty because you did it while he was on the show.

It's not guilt. I don't feel guilt. It's just... Like someone made a gift bow

out of your large intestine?

Yeah.

Guilt.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I've been working on a mural of a four horseman of the apocalypse riding into

the 21st century. For weeks now, I cannot get it right.

Famine and death turn out okay, but slaughter looks way too happy.

And conquest keeps coming out looking like Warren Beatty.

Okay. Okay.

Time to let the fellowship of others cheer and uplift me.

Maybe I'll just make a tuna melt.

I'll get it. No, I insist.

Whoa.

I just figured I had a thick slaughter.

Can I come in? I'll just be a moment. I'm on my way to the airport.

Of course.

Take off your coat.

Well, you certainly have a beautiful house.

Yeah. I guess working for 17 years on a top -rated TV show really pays off.

Would you like this lamp? I almost never use it.

You want a ding -dong?

No, please.

I just came by to say...

I've been doing some thinking, and I've realized that the things that Murphy

said about me are true.

I am annoying.

I mean, the only thing I keep wondering is, why the hell didn't you say

something sooner?

I mean, the words put your shoes on aren't in your vocabulary?

I mean, did you ever think of mentioning that you like all better than alls? I

mean, I could have changed. I wasn't wedded to the S.

supposed to know? You never said anything.

Well, we didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Oh, so you just had me fired.

That's fine.

It isn't as if you guys don't have your own annoying idiosyncrasies. Jim is the

stiffest man in the news business, and that includes Edward R. Murrow, who's

been dead for 30 years.

And then there's Frank with his endless hand gestures. I mean, personally, I

find this very annoying.

Now, hold on, Stuart.

He's doing it!

And Murphy Brown.

17 years ago, there she was, smoking away on her cigarettes. Well, I'm so

if my humming interfered with your smelly chain smoking.

And Corky and Miles. Well, I don't even know you, but I find your names

unbelievably annoying.

Yet, you were all able to live with each other.

It's too bad you never could learn to live with me, because I'm only human

and... Humans are annoying.

And that's all I know.

You see?

I could have done it.

Oh.

Oh, boy.

Now this is guilt.

All we had to do was say something to the poor guy, let him know what was

bothering us.

Well, you know, we still could.

We went to the network 17 years ago. We could go again.

Only this time, we could tell them we want them to hire Stewart.

He could... I don't know. He could... He could be a semi -regular on the show.

No, no, no.

We could use him in the field like a roving culture reporter, making his

offbeat observations.

Once a month, he could do an all -I -know piece.

He can have my seat at the desk. I'll sit on the edge.

I'm going to call his house and give him a message. No, I'm going to have a page

at the airport.

You don't have to prove that that's...

Stuart. I forgot my earmuffs.

He forgot his earmuffs.

We're so glad you did because, well, there's something that we want to say.

Well, what's that?

Well, Stuart, we've been talking and we all think that it would be great

if you took the Roosevelt Memorial Bridge

to the airport because it's really much faster this time of year.

What the heck?

I just can't stay mad at you guys.

I'll just take a later flight.

I will have a ding dong.

To celebrate our 20th anniversary, we're going to party like it's 1985 with a

lineup of hit shows from the year Nick at Night began.

It's Nick at Night's 20th anniversary celebration.

Three nights beginning this Tuesday at 10 p .m.