Original subtitles

Come on. Come on. I know it's in here.

Found it.

Murphy, you're wasting your time.

The IRS is not going to accept a grocery receipt as a legitimate tax write -off.

Hey, I was standing in line. A guy asked if I was Murphy Brown. I said yes. He

said, how's the show going? I said, fine. He said, keep up the good work. I

said, I will. In my book, that's a business discussion.

And to think she's only been audited four times.

Hey, it's not my fault. My accountant tells me I need more deductions, but the

government keeps changing the rules.

Retroactive tax. Good thing there's not a retroactive vote.

Frank, you remember that VCR we bought Eddie the shoeshine guy when he retired?

How much did that cost?

What difference does it make? You didn't contribute anything.

I didn't? Well, I meant to. That should count for something.

Hey, did any of you know someone who could help me with my taxes?

I know your uncle did your taxes.

Not anymore.

At last year's Fourth of July celebration, he went around blabbing to

about how much money I made. Next thing I knew, six aldermen were shoving a

prospectus in my face and asking me to buy the town.

I'm sorry.

I love Nebo, but who wants to own a place that leads the country in gator

-related deaths?

Murphy and I have used the same accountant for quite some time, and

very satisfied.

Haven't we, Slugger?

Yeah, throw.

Does anyone remember the time we were going to do a story on some performer

we saw them at the Kennedy Center?

Or maybe it was Ford's Theater. It was last June or February, and they sang or

danced or something.

You're not talking about the symphony, are you? Yeah, that's it. How much did

those tickets cost?

Nothing. They gave them to us for free.

Oh, well, I would have bought them. That should count for something.

You people and the way you do your taxes.

It's also quaint watching you putt along the single -lane dirt road of yesterday

while I zoom by on the dazzling new information superhighway of tomorrow.

No, listen to him. We spent $350 on a computer tax program, and suddenly it's

me, George Jensen.

Just to be frank, this program is worth every penny, at least for someone like

me, someone who's not earning your salaries, even though I work the same

have more responsibilities.

Don't feel too bad, Miles.

Bigger salaries only mean bigger headaches.

Here, look.

Look at these investment brochures my accountant sent me.

Frozen yogurt franchises. Video rental store.

Almost makes me wish I hadn't done so well in the stock market this year.

Gee, Jim, where do I donate to that charity?

Wait a minute.

You cleaned up in the stock market? We have the same accountant. How come I

didn't clean up in the stock market?

Well, I have no idea. He gave me advice. I took it. What did you do?

I ignored him.

Why? He knows so much. Why is he just an accountant?

So what's he telling you this year?

Small business? Yes. If it succeeds, wonderful. If it fails, it's a tax write

-off. And what kind of small business were you thinking of?

Well, if you must know, a piano bar.

A piano bar?

Was your accountant Bobby Short?

Sid never mentioned a piano bar to me.

He's feeding you the hot tips and leaving me out in the cold. You know,

one little joke about a guy's hair weave.

The bar wasn't Sid's idea. It's just something I've been toying with over the

years.

As a matter of fact, Lugger, I'm looking at a place this evening.

You're welcome to join me if you'd like.

Wait a minute.

If this is such a hot investment, why are you so quick to let me in on it?

is your game, Jim?

Let me hear you, son.

I want you to come tonight, so when you don't invest, I won't have to listen to

you bellyache about how I froze you out of a golden opportunity.

Oh, you're so sure I'm not going to invest. Well, let me tell you, I will

invest my money if I think it's a smart thing to do. I'm not as tight with a

buck as everyone thinks I am. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's a business meal.

I have a show of hands of everyone I took out to lunch last year.

Well, I thought about it. That should count for something.

So, Phil, what's your expert opinion?

Please, I'm still working here.

Phil, we've been here an hour already. What is it, thumbs up?

First, I need your assurance that buying this place won't affect your undying

loyalty to Phil's. Oh, boy, here we go. Phil, I wouldn't even consider this

venture if it weren't on the opposite side of town from you. We promise we

have lunch anywhere else.

Okay, then.

But you should know going in that eight out of ten eating establishments fail

within the first year.

I'm out. You coming, too? Oh, no, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Every investment carries some risk. Let's hear the man out.

What more do you need to hear? He basically said you'd have to be a fool

into the restaurant business.

Or, you know, be born into it.

Right.

Now, there are a few things working in your favor.

There's a movie theater nearby, so the foot traffic should be good, taking that

into account with the floor plan, the customer capacity, the not -too

-unpleasant slope of the bar.

I'd say your chances for success are 51%. 51 %? That's it?

Okay, maybe 52 if you put cheese fries on the menu.

I gotta get back to the bar.

If you do decide to take the plunge, here's two bits of advice.

Always buy toothpicks in bulk and stay away from the cutesy drink names.

I did it once, and trust me, you can't give away a bloody Mary Alice Williams.

Thanks, Phil.

Well, you can't say we didn't at least look.

That's right.

Take it all in one last time so you can be convinced this is definitely not the

way to go.

Murphy, you look around and you see four bare walls and a couple of dusty

tables.

I look around.

You know what I see?

I see London.

Sure.

Sure, how could I have missed it? But there's Buckingham Palace and there's

Piccadilly Circus. All right, please, let me explain.

The year was 1958, and I had just landed a plum assignment, London correspondent

to the St. Louis Post -Dispatch.

To this gangly young sprout from the Midwest, it was a dream come true.

A dream, that is, except for the loneliness.

Then, one night, as I was walking along the streets of that cold, blackened

city, thinking of home, I found a new one.

Oh, from the outside, it wasn't much. Just a pub.

But inside...

Magic.

Intellectuals rubbed elbows with stage actors.

Playwrights and journalists regaled the room with one devilishly ribald anecdote

after another. And in the corner sat a piano, where every night some roguish

fellow would sit and play while a whole bar gathered round and sang.

Well, I'm married now, have many wonderful friends, and yet...

I still long for a place where a group of revelers can crowd around a piano,

beer mugs in hand, full of song and good cheer and camaraderie.

This could be that place.

It's a beautiful dream, Jim.

And I have a dream, too.

A dream not to lose my shirt!

or entitled to your opinion.

I'm entitled to mine.

It's my dream. It's my investment.

By God, I'm going for it. Fine. Go for it. But you want to make it a real

investment? Buy the place, insure the hell out of it, and then pray for a

Yeah, that's your investment.

Why can't you do it? What kind of an accountant are you?

Oh, fine, fine. Just send me over the papers and I'll sign them.

Told him what?

Uh, nothing.

He tried to claim his old girlfriend Cynthia as a dependent.

Cynthia?

Two weekends in September, Cynthia?

Why can't you get me a job as an anchor, Cynthia? How could you possibly claim

her as a dependent? I don't know. I just thought if I didn't kill her... He

loaned her $4 ,000.

You what?

She really needed the money. She was between jobs.

And she wanted to try ballet lessons.

Oh, man, I am going to take such a bath on my taxes.

Well, maybe... Maybe next year you should use Jim and Murphy's account. I

and I'm getting a nice little refund back.

Wait a minute. You're getting a refund back?

I make twice as much as you do, and I've never gotten a refund back.

What makes you think you make twice as much as I do, Murphy? Oh, please.

You ask me to hold your purse when you go to the restroom, the purse is open,

and you expect me not to glance at your pay stub?

Hey,

Miles, you look as bad as I feel.

slipped into a big rig on the information superhighway. That's what

My computer crashed and not even the jaws of life could extract my taxes from

the burning wreckage.

That's terrible.

Is it true Murphy makes twice as much as I do?

I told you never to let her hold your purse.

Oh, God.

I had it planned out so perfectly.

My taxes were going to slip in on little cats' feet, lost in a flood of

millions. Now they're going to... arrive late and be pounced on by 12 IRS wonks

with nothing better to do than audit me for this year's indiscriminate... 17th

floor, men's apparel, my stop.

Good morning, one and all.

Well, well, well.

Just sprinkled a happy dust on your cereal this morning. I have the

idea what you're talking about.

Really, Jim? If I didn't know better, I'd say you were giddy.

Oh, well, you found me out. I am giddy. Giddy as a schoolgirl. My bar... has

only been open one week, and ladies and gents, the joint is jumping.

Well, plate's doing well, huh?

Good call, Murph.

Hey, I'm not too big to admit that I was wrong and maybe Jim was right. Maybe he

made a shrewd investment, an investment I chose to pass up.

You knew something and didn't tell me, right? Because you wanted to keep all

profits for yourself. How much money do you need, Jim? How much is enough?

All right.

I'm happy for you, Jim. I really am.

You're all still planning to come down to the Anchorman tonight?

Miles,

will you be coming? Are you kidding?

This return is late enough as it is. No, no. Tonight, it's just going to be me,

my taxes, and a nice big pot of coffee.

I'm sorry. Why are we leaving?

Paul, please, this place isn't packed.

Murph, they were stacked three deep at the bar, and it took us five minutes to

get past all the people at the door.

Oh, well, sure, if that's your definition of packed.

Hey, hey, hey, there's Jim.

Hey, hey, Jim!

Jim! Hey, what's a guy have to do to get a drink around here? Well, here you

are. The place is so crowded, I was worried I wouldn't be able to find you.

Sure, if that's your definition of crowded. So, welcome to the Anchorman.

have a waiter set you up with champagne all around.

And a club soda for you, slinger.

Uh, Jim!

Where's the ladies' room?

In the back on the right.

Murphy, could you hold my purse for a moment?

Never mind.

I wouldn't want to come back and find my credit cards missing.

If I wanted them, I wouldn't have them by now.

Man, talk about jams. We'll be lucky if we can get a table. Please, this place

isn't jammed.

Woodstock, now that was jammed.

You know, it never ceases to amaze me. There are so many single women in this

town, and yet the men always seem to outnumber them in bars.

Well, they sure do here.

Excuse me.

Are you Frank Fontana?

Yes, I am. I'm a really big fan.

Would it be too much trouble to get an autograph?

Oh, sure. No problem.

Here you go.

Hey, thanks for watching.

Thanks. I'm going to put you right between my Stone Phillips and my John

Five minutes and already some guy's trying to hit on me. Excuse me, I just

wanted to ask... Yeah, yeah, I just wanted to tell me how my eyes danced in

moonlight, how great I look in this outfit, how you have the perfect hanger

it in your bedroom.

Oh, gosh, no.

I just wanted to ask if you were Murphy Brown.

Yeah, that's me.

This is great.

My lover owes me $20.

Pay up, Jet Freak.

Here we go. These are on the house per Mr. Dial's request.

And this is from that gentleman over there.

I am telling you, another fan. I'm going to make the anchorman my regular place.

and I think we might be jumping the gun here. You're right, you're right. You're

absolutely right.

Yeah, this is Jim's place we're talking about.

Exactly.

Murphy, you have just got to see the ladies' room. Not only is it empty, but

it's spotless. It's almost as if no one's ever even used it before.

I think it's settled.

I don't know if you noticed, but this place is just crawling with cute guys. I

mean, play your cards right, and this might be your lucky night.

I don't think so, Corky.

Oh, now.

Don't you sell yourself short.

Lighting like this can just melt years off your skin.

So, do you think Jim knows?

Knows what?

He's got to. Got to what? Well, not necessarily. I mean, look how long it

us. You know, Jim's from another generation. I mean, the guy still wears

So you think he doesn't know?

I don't know.

Know what?

That this is a gay bar.

That Jim is running a gay bar.

Gay bar?

Why on earth would Jim be running a...

Jim has been married to Doris for 25 years.

Do you think she knows?

And very nice to see you, Congressman Frank.

Well, okay, Barney.

So, is everyone having a good time? Oh, yes.

In fact, we're having a gay old time.

Yes, I'd say everyone here is having a gay old time.

Wouldn't you say so, Jim? A gay old time.

You know, Jim, I would have to say that the Anchorman is definitely the kind of

place that you could talk, I don't know, man to man.

Splendid. That's precisely the sort of atmosphere I was going for.

You know, Jim, I have been in a lot of bars in my time, but there's something a

little different about this one. Wouldn't you say so, Jim? Something a

different?

I was wondering how long it would take you to notice. Yes, you found me out.

The entire bar is done up in the British style.

The bread fries are chips. The bathroom is the loo. Jim, everyone here is gay.

Beg pardon?

In this bar, all the people, they're gay.

Oh, well, sure, some of them. But I really don't see that that's anybody's

business. Um, well, actually, Jim, it sort of is your business. Your bar, the

Anchorman, is a gay bar.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Just look around.

Oh, my.

Jim, you shouldn't feed him. No, no, no. Please.

Really. It doesn't make any difference.

Doesn't make any difference at all. A customer is a customer.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go mingle.

I've got to get some air.

No, I think he just needs some time to let it sink in. Yeah, he'll be fine. But

look, when you get right down to it, this is a bar like any other bar.

Hi, I'm Greg.

I see you got my drink.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Listen, Greg, I think I should tell you I'm not gay.

Oh.

Oh, well.

Too bad.

I found a booth for us. Nice quiet one, Matt.

Men.

Man, it's really late. I can't believe Jim has been gone this long. I can't

believe they've been playing It's Raining Men on the jukebox all night and

didn't know this was a gay bar.

Well, I just had the most wonderful conversation with that table up there in

corner. Do you have any idea how many of history's great men were gay?

I didn't.

Aristotle? Gay.

Michelangelo? Gay.

Laurence Olivier?

Gay. Or straight.

Depends on which biography you read.

Hello?

Jim, Jim, hi. Are you okay?

I'm fine. I took a long walk, you know, to sort things out.

And I came to the conclusion that Murphy was right.

I should never have gotten involved in this place.

Well, Jim, that's not like you.

You want out of the Anchorman just because it happens to be a gay bar?

I have no problem with this being a gay bar, Murphy. I just don't want it to be

my gay bar.

I wanted to recreate something very special to me, and as much as I'm glad

place is doing well, it's just not what I had in mind.

It's not my dream.

But it could be, Jim.

Homosexuals are fascinating people with a rich and interesting history.

Did you know the Sacred Band of Thieves was the only all -gay army in the world

composed of 150 pairs of lovers?

It's true.

All the same, I'm calling my accountant tomorrow and instructing him to put the

anchorman up for sale.

Well, Jim, that's how you feel. That's how you feel.

How much were you thinking of asking for?

I don't know what I was thinking.

It was foolish of me to even try to recapture the past.

Can't be done.

Times have changed.

People have changed.

Oh, well.

You coming, Jim?

Oh, sure.

I was just thinking of this piano. It hasn't even been played.

Um, indulge me for a moment, won't you?

The memory of all.

No, no.

They can't take that away from me.

The way your smile. The way

you haunt my dream.

you've ever seen. I mean, never in my wildest dreams.

Well, you know, maybe the past isn't so dead after all. I've got to tell you,

Jim, if this is what that old pope was like, I can see why you missed it. Well,

this is almost exactly what it was like.

A bunch of fellows gathering around a piano, drinking and singing until the

came up.

Well, not exactly this type of fellow.

Back then, we had people like John Gielgud, Somerset Maugham, the composer

Benjamin Britten.

You know, Jim, all those men are gay.

James Baldwin, Christopher Isherwood.

Okay.

Noah Coward, Tennessee Williams, a busboy named Quentin Crisp.

Okay, okay, okay.

To celebrate our 20th anniversary, we're going to party like it's 1985 with a

lineup of hit shows from the year Nick at Night began.

It's Nick at Night's 20th anniversary celebration. Three nights beginning this

Tuesday at 10 p .m.