Original subtitles

Contemporary art world has a darling of the moment. It is Sean Van Olin. This

former blackjack dealer burst on the scene three years ago with his acclaimed

Frigidaire Still Life, an open refrigerator filled with pictures of

from magazines.

In this piece, I'm trying to communicate a sense of longing.

It's a longing I think we all feel for actual experience, pure feeling.

What I'm seeing is a pile of artificial sweetener packets.

That's right.

But at the center of the pile, there's a lone sugar cube.

And that means?

That within the falseness, there is truth. Which is why I call the piece

Cube and not Pile of Sweetener. It's a pile of sugar.

Uh -huh. And if I were to buy Sugar Cube, how much would that set me back?

This piece sells for $120 ,000.

Well, hey.

That seems a little steep, considering I can go to the supermarket and buy my

own pile of artificial sweeteners for considerably less.

Especially on Thursdays, which is double coupon day.

What makes yours so valuable?

Well, mine comes with a certificate of authenticity.

And I've also signed the floor underneath the pile.

So the floor comes with a piece?

No, that would be ludicrous.

But I will go to the home of whoever buys it, and I'll sign their floor.

Unless, I mean...

They live out of town or have carpeting or something.

Remarkably, Ben Olin had no trouble finding a buyer for his pile of

sweetener. As we could auction in New York, it sold for $10 ,000 above its

asking price.

Is it art? Who's to say?

But it certainly perks up a cup of tea.

Thank you, Murphy.

I suppose one might say that sweetener left a sour taste in your mouth.

This has been another edition of FYI. Good night.

And we're clear.

Well done, Slug.

You know, perhaps I'm old -fashioned, but give me a nice Norman Rockwell any

day.

Boy's first haircut. Now that's art.

cringes as the kindly barber approaches.

It's real, it's human, and it never fails to give you a good chuckle. Well,

may be right, Jim, but I say anyone who can get $130 ,000 from a pile of white

powder that isn't illegal has some real talent.

I just can't believe how much people will pay for pictures of food.

My mother used to make macaroni moussettes for the church bazaar and

more than $6. She was just ahead of her time, Corky. Give her a Lofton Soho.

box of Ronzoni and the right critics behind her, she could be on the comfort

Newsweek. Oh, come on, Murphy. It's not all hype. Some contemporary art really

speaks to people. And some of it speaks to me.

But come on. Jeff Koons' basketballs floating in plexiglass. Julian

broken dishes covered with paint. What does that say?

Well, you know, the basketball floats there, sort of trapped, disconnected,

a lot of us feel. The dishes are shattered like most of our nerves from

in this society.

So if we carry this theory forward, I'm guessing a bottle of Maalox balanced on

a stack of soda crackers would be like the Mona Lisa to you.

Fine. Laugh at my sensitivity. It just so happens I grew up in a family with a

deep connection to art. Miles, your grandfather had a booth at Coney Island

where he did silhouette portraits.

Mr. Picasso tried to work with a hundred people screaming, Every five minutes

over his head.

Take it easy, Miles. Just because Murphy doesn't like a certain kind of art

doesn't mean it doesn't have value. I mean, she's not exactly an expert.

Oh, and you are? A man who went to an art auction last year, did one of these

a woman across the room, and wound up buying a six -foot milking stool for $8

,000? Hey, I love that stool.

Of course you do, Frank. I'm sure it's extremely useful when you milk your

blue ox babe.

Hey, listen, you talk now, but you just wait till I double the amount.

657.

What do you got here?

It's a present from the Soho Arts Council. Having seen your report, we can

assume this is more to your taste.

Now this is insulting. They didn't even spring for real velvet.

This is the kind where the eyes follow you. I hate that. Put it away. Put it

away.

Okay.

Judging from the sideburns, I'm guessing this is circa 1964, which would put it

right about here.

Now, all I need is that rare double wedding portrait with Priscilla and I've

the complete set.

Amazing.

Just had the smell of marinara stuff coming from the kitchen. It could be my

Aunt Maria's living room.

You know, Frank, I knew I'd ruffle a few feathers, but I never expected this.

Seventeen.

And the best part is that for every velvet painting I've gotten from a

critic or art dealer, a dozen letters come in from people who agree with me.

It's true. My parents thought your report was wonderful, and they haven't

with you since... Well, actually, they've never agreed with you.

I guess you're getting support from all over the country on this one.

I think people have been waiting for someone to blow the whistle on this so

-called art and the business that feeds on it. It's a house of cards, and

perhaps your piece will help bring it down. Oh, come on, Jim. I don't think

little report from Murphy is going to cause a panic in the art world.

Ooh, sounds like someone's a little worried about a $6 ,000 milking stool.

But I take six. Anyone?

Well, you let me know when you're down to 30 bucks. I could use a real tall

stool in case a brawny towel man ever comes to visit.

Good morning, people.

Morning, Miles. Hey, look, Miles. Art.

I'm thinking of calling this The Emptiness at the Center of Our Being.

How about this title?

Yummy!

Adorable. But you might not want to try it when you appear as a guest on the Ted

Webster Show. PBS frowns on that sort of thing.

Ted Webster Show once was a guest.

That's right. They want you to square off with a panel of concerned members

the art community who thought your piece was, quote, uneducated, uninformed, and

unwatchable. These people just don't know what they're being, do they?

Oh, boy. Aren't we all tired of hearing about what's art and what's not, and

whether things that cost a lot of money were really worth what some people paid

for them?

Don't do it, Murph, please. No, she has to.

She's got them on the run now, these champions of squiggles and blotches and

spots. That's not art. It's dermatology.

Feel free to use that if you like.

Thanks, Jim. I would if I were doing the show. But when your opponent's already

unconscious on the mat, there's no need to slam his head into the ring post.

Oh, I see. You're willing to take on the art community as long as you have the

final edit.

But when it comes to a live debate, ooh, suddenly you're too busy. Miles, maybe

we should just let this thing die. What do you think? That I'm afraid? He's not

saying that. I just think it's interesting when someone holds herself

judge of what's art, makes fun of those of us who disagree, and then runs away

when a few experts want to get involved. I am not running away, Miles. Then

you'll do it? Oh, you can't. You're so very busy.

These charlatans wouldn't know a masterpiece if Whistler's mother came up

kicked him in the knee.

That's another good one. I'm going to write these down.

Well, if you tell the folks at PBS, I'll do it. I'll wipe the floor with those

art snobs. And if I see any of those yapping Barney kids around, I'll wipe

floor with them, too.

Fine.

Oh, man.

By the time she's through, I'm going to be the proud owner of an $8 ,000 piece

of kindling.

I'll take $4 ,000.

Good evening. I'm Ken Webster.

Is contemporary art nothing but an elaborate con game?

Murphy Brown implied as much in a recent FYI report.

Tonight, she joins us along with Yvonne Bentley, art critic for Intelligentsia

magazine.

Professor Albert Willendorf, art historian and author of the book

and Text, The Unholy Alliance.

And Ted Pierce, owner of Fizzle, New York's hottest contemporary art gallery.

Thank you and welcome all. Murphy, that piece has certainly generated a strong

response from...

The art world.

It certainly has, Ken. I haven't upset this many trendsetters since the dark

days of disco when I suggested the Bee Gees be deported.

It's interesting that you chose to start off with a joke or what I can only

assume you intended as a joke. It's hard to tell since you were the only one

laughing.

I say for the sake of argument that it was a joke. Your entire piece was

permeated with the same self -congratulatory tone. You reduced all of

contemporary art to the butt of a personal joke, and I must say I was

It was like a joke to her, and I found that offensive.

Excuse me.

But I hardly think I attacked all contemporary art. I simply picked out a

pieces that are currently being touted as brilliant, showed them to my

and let them decide for themselves.

Now, really, Miss Brown, aren't you being a trifle jejune?

You fail to put this art into any meaningful context whatsoever.

These artists are wrestling with profound issues.

They struggle, they suffer, they agonize. With all due respect,

does someone passing a kidney stone, but you don't see them taking the end

result, hanging it on the wall, and calling it art.

Charles Grasso does.

And it's exquisite.

You don't get it. You just don't get it. It's almost as if you're not getting

it.

There's nothing to get. If I could just jump in for a moment here.

Murphy, I think what I'm hearing is a concern that your story might have been

little one -sided.

Exactly.

Look, I'm afraid I don't agree, but as a journalist, I try to stay open -minded.

So if someone can explain to me why a pile of sweeteners is artificial

sweeteners. Artificial, not real.

There's a world of difference.

They aren't simply artificial sweeteners.

They're an eloquent expression of genuine ontological experience buried

the effluvium of modern life.

There's experience and there's effluvium.

Need I say more?

Yeah. What the hell does that mean?

What Van Olin is doing is subverting the status quo by co -opting the

intrinsically mundane, thereby elevating it to the level of cultural icon.

Still out there on the open sea looking for those horrible lights.

Any of you guys in the crew want to take a shot?

Oh, really now, whether some simple craps people have the sophistication to

follow what was a perfectly clear and succinct explanation is not germane to

issue. What is germane is that once again you have made light of a very

discussion.

I don't think she's taking the discussion seriously.

Excellent point, Ted. Now, would you mind humoring me by saying it again

Yvonne drinks a glass of water?

What's that supposed to mean?

I think we're getting a little off track here. No, we're not. My point is that a

small group of people using puffed -up credentials and a cloud of art speak

the power to decide which artist is this year's hot commodity. The critics do it

for ego, and the gallery owners for profit. I'm insulted. Six weeks ago,

gallery exhibited the work of Jamie Elkins, an artist championed by Ms.

and Professor Willendorf. Can you put that slide up, Ken?

The name of this piece is Commodity.

A master stroke of enthusiasm kitsch. I was just proud to have it in my gallery.

Oh, it's a toilet, for God's sake, and it doesn't even work.

If it worked, it would have no meaning at all. If it worked, the poor schmuck

who bought it could charge his guest 25 cents to use it. And then he could

recoup a little of the 60 grand it cost him.

I can't talk to you anymore. You don't get it? You just don't get it. I admit I

was angry before, but now all I feel for you is pity.

I don't know where you were educated, but I think you should ask for your

back.

You are this close to the edge, Teddy boy. She threatened me. Did you hear

She threatened me. Can you imagine her in Paris, faced with Goonza's giant

topiary puppy? She'd be lost.

Up the Seine without a paddle.

Surely I'm called to order this by anyone. Oh, that would be priceless.

I'm still in the room.

As a matter of fact, I interviewed you. Well, I guess you don't need me anymore,

so if I could just have my complimentary tote bag or Civil War beach towel, I'll

be on my way.

One second.

One second.

I thought there was some really exciting work there, with the exception of this

one guy with the six -foot milking stool.

He was the joke of the festival.

And that condescending attitude, it was unbelievable.

You don't get it. You just don't get it. Oh, but old Yvonne hasn't gotten it in

quite a while.

You try to tell them something that would be obvious to a three -year -old,

they look at you like you're speaking Swahili. I mean, how do you deal with

people like that?

Well, I just usually wait until your car drives away, and I shove my face into a

bowl of ice water.

The shock calms me down.

Oh, come on, Eldon. There's no comparison between me and those people.

arrogant, self -centered, and totally wrong.

I see, and you are?

Arrogant, self -centered, and totally right.

You know, this whole incident reminds me of this one critic who in discussing

contemporary art said, if I dip my cat in paint and threw him against a canvas,

I could do better work than this.

Finally, a critic who agrees with me. How do I get in touch with this guy?

Well, you would need a shovel and a map of the entire Paris graveyard system

because he died in 1896, 20 years after he said that stuff about Claude Monet.

Oh. How clever. So what am I supposed to say now? Gee, this stuff is great. I

was wrong. I'm just too close -minded to see it. No, all I'm saying is that in

like a hundred years, people may be standing in front of it weeping. Yeah,

people who can't believe their grandfather blew their inheritance on a

saccharin instead of investing in QVC.

Come on, Ellen, you're an artist. You tell me. Do you think I'm wrong?

Well, it doesn't matter what I think. I mean, art is subjective.

Everyone has to make up their own mind. Well, that's just it. Too many people

don't. They're brainwashed into liking what a so -called group of experts tells

them to like. I mean, with enough hype in the right frame, this painting of

Avery's could be the next big thing.

You know, I'm a big fan of a little guy's work, but let's not get carried

here. I just wish there was some way to show these people up. Yeah, well, if you

figure something out, let me know.

Sheldon, you got any extra frames hanging around?

Oh, no.

No,

no, this is never going to work. People are going to know.

You only think they're going to know because you know. I mean, look at the

competition. The only difference I see is that my kid's painting has a nicer

frame.

This is going to be beautiful.

You know, this is the first time I've really observed you at work.

You're kind of scary.

Okay, Rick, set up over there. Murphy, the critics are here. Now remember, the

deal is, this piece goes on the air no matter who's proven right. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Care to make a small side wager? I'm picturing something involving you, a

pair of Calvin Klein mini briefs, and the fountain in the lobby of FYI.

You are going to go down, sister.

And when you do, this is what you're going to hear.

You think I'm going down? Okay, you tell me which one of these pieces of art is

Avery's. You think I can't? Watch.

It's, um... Tick -tock. Tick -tock.

It's this one.

It's this one, schnobble boy.

I think you two have been working together a little too long.

A -ver -et? No, no, no.

A -ver -ate.

from Martinique. He's French.

That was my idea.

It's brilliant, isn't it? Wait, wait, there's more.

This self -taught artist has had no formal schooling, preferring to work by

instinct and only with non -toxic materials.

He likes to taste his paints.

Oh,

stand back, boys. It's time for a real artist to get to work.

Miss Bentley, Professor Willendorf. I'm so glad you could come.

I'm so sorry that Ted couldn't join us. Yes, well, after that confrontation with

you last week, he developed a severe rash on his buttocks.

His therapist suggested he might not be ready for another meeting.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

Now, as I said on the phone, I was thinking about the points that you

the Ken Webster show, and perhaps I was close -minded. So tonight, I would like

you to walk me through this exhibit, and with the help of your expertise, I can

show my audience what this art is really all about.

Well, we'll do our best.

Wonderful.

Rick, let's go.

Why don't we begin with this piece?

Now... All my untrained eye sees is a shower curtain hanging from a wall. But

what do you see?

I see an artist struggling to resolve the tension between inhibition and

exhibition, curiosity and voyeurism.

Public space versus private space.

Uh -huh. So is the artist telling us we should shower in public?

It's much more ambiguous than that.

He's saying that we should think.

About showering in public.

Exactly. We should consider the calibrations of shame.

Calibrations. I never thought of that.

Why don't we look at this piece over here?

Now, here we have what looks like Da Vinci's Last Supper, except the faces of

all the apostles have been painted out, and it appears that they're eating

Chinese takeout.

With 12, you get egg rolls.

It's divine.

If you'll pardon the pun.

What Gomer is saying so deftly is that every supper is the last supper, that we

are all apostles.

Ich bin ein apostle.

Fascinating. And you can almost smell the wonton.

Moving on.

Now, this painting.

I look at it, and I can't help but think my 18 -month -old son could have done

it. I'm not surprised you say that.

It's probably the comment most used to discredit contemporary art.

Really? Yes. However, in this case, I must say I agree with you.

What? It's like Easter. The composition uninteresting, the palette dull.

Are you sure?

You know, I look at it, and I think I'm starting to see something. A kind of

chaos.

An inarticulate, almost...

pre -verbal struggle to communicate. I mean, talk about your calibrations.

No, you're completely wrong. It's amateurish.

Avery from Martinique. I'm not familiar with his work, but he has no business

being in a gallery of this stature.

Well,

Professor, I must confess you've caught me by surprise, you see. Well, he hasn't

caught me by surprise. He's never been a fan of the Caribbean school, and once

again, I think he is being a little hasty.

You like it?

I most certainly do. Monsieur Verret has the most playful and charming touch.

Charming? Yvonne, you can't be serious.

This work belongs on a refrigerator.

Albert, this reminds me of the problem you had early on with Schnabel.

You didn't understand his use of color either. I don't know what you're talking

about. I've always been moved by Schnabel's use of color. Oh, please,

because you're an art historian doesn't mean you can rewrite history. You

laughed at Schnabel. You laughed at me for liking him. Then when you saw the

wagon train moving on without you, you scrambled on board and suddenly it was

Schnabel Ho.

If anyone says Schnabel Ho, it's you. Thank you both for this fascinating

discussion, but I feel it's time I told you this painting is...

Sold? That's right. To who?

That man over there.

Excuse me, sir.

Would you mind telling me why you just bought that painting?

Oh, well, certainly.

Two of the country's foremost authorities on art are arguing over it,

here filming it.

Obviously, very important work.

But what about the actual painting do you respond to?

I don't know. I haven't really seen it yet.

How much did you pay for it?

$2 ,200.

I feel like I stole it.

Sir, I feel I should tell you that this painting is the work of a child.

Those critics were right about you.

You just don't get it, do you?

Oh, I think I get a little more than you know. About $2 ,200 more.

Rich, I think we got enough.

I just want to remind you, you didn't fool both of them, and you can't keep

money. The hell I can't. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to find an art store

that's still open.

Ava Ray needs some more paints.

Come on, Ellen, we're going.

Wait a minute.

I've known the artist all his life.

You might say I taught him everything he knows.