Original subtitles

Forecast cloudy and windy and cold this morning. Warming up a bit this

afternoon. Who really burns my butt? That ice queen, Murphy Brown.

Anybody catch her on FYI last night? There she was. She's kneeling some poor

slob in Congress for cheating on his taxes. His wife leaves him. He's under

indictment. Doesn't this guy have enough problems without Attila the hen picking

away at him?

You ask me, she looks like the type who enjoys inflicting pain, huh?

I'm seeing a whip collection.

Am I alone here on this?

Hey, maybe somebody ought to give her a good spanking. I do it, but I'm afraid I

hurt my hand.

Ouch! Oh, ooh, ooh, okay, well, it's 9 .30 and change, and you're listening to

Marty Crane, and if you didn't know that by now, would you get off our highways

and go back to whatever third -world country you came from?

Now, speaking of spanking, my next guest likes to be spanked while listening to

the marches of John Philip Sousa.

I can't believe Marty Crane gave out our fax number.

These are disgusting.

Here comes another one.

All right,

all right, all right. I want these destroyed before Murphy has a chance to

them. Murphy,

hi there.

How you doing? How are things?

Oh, just 12 miles. I love getting stuck in rush hour traffic listening to that

jerk Marty Crane refer to me as Brown Hilda, Mistress of Pain.

You kidding, Marty Crane? The shot chocolate after you, you say? Like

after loose French fry. I'm telling you.

What are all those? These? Um, just faxes. Plain, boring faxes. Well, off to

paper shredder they go.

Oh, no. Now the guy's idiot fans are getting into the act.

Marty Crane rules.

We love Marty.

Thank this.

Amazing. They can't be bothered to vote, but they've got time to drop their

pants and sit on a Xerox machine.

What is it that night? Somebody sent you a great big smiley face.

Oh, oh.

Why would somebody send you that?

Oh, it's just a bunch of Marty Crane fans who want to show me their best

might know.

Men's an abomination.

I heard his program one morning at my barber's.

was holding a contest to guess the first lady's cup size.

It should be referred to them as the first hooters.

Yes, well, no matter what we think of him, his show is syndicated all over the

country, which is why I don't want you getting into some kind of public feud

with him, Murphy. Oh, come on, Miles. Like I'm going to give this clown the

publicity he's begging for? The only way to handle guys like Crane is just to

ignore them.

Plus, it doesn't even matter what he says. The only people who listen to his

show are mindless lemmings and pubescent little boys.

Marty Kramer?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, yeah, right. I forgot your lead majorette at this year's halftime Super

show. All right, maybe I do listen to him occasionally. I'm sorry, but the guy

is interesting.

He says things other people are afraid to say. He doesn't put up with anybody's

garbage, and he's funny.

Not that stuff he said about you, though. That wasn't funny.

What did he say about Murphy?

Well, it was stupid, really.

Well, what was it?

Well, the only difference between Murphy Brown and frozen tundra is that the

tundra actually gets drilled once in a while.

Did Frank just tell one of my knock -knock jokes?

See, Frank, I told you a joke doesn't have to be dirty to be funny.

It's just that I've been really busy and it's not easy to come up with the right

thing.

You think anybody would want an old cocktail napkin with Ted Kennedy's phone

number?

Nope. According to this, Phil's already got about a dozen.

Look, Murphy, if you can't think of anything to donate, you can always

yourself. At some auctions, they wrap off whole days with celebrities.

Oh, yeah, that's just what I want to do. Sell myself off to the highest bidder

in this town. I'll wind up spending the day on a ladder cleaning out Orrin

Hatch's rain gutters.

That's not how it works, silly.

The winner would spend a whole day with you here at FYI.

Watching you work, seeing what your life is like.

Someone who doesn't know any better might find that very interesting.

Might? I'll have you know I am fascinating, provocative, and eminently

watchable. TV Guide, December 4th, page 21.

A day with me at FYI. You know, that is perfect, and I will even throw in

dinner. People would pay a fortune for that.

We're going to take a short break now, but don't put your wallets away. We've

got a lot of great stuff coming up.

Wonderful.

My photograph of the most respected journalist of our time fetches a mere

while hundreds are thrown away on a golf ball shanked by a man whose greatest

achievement as president was falling down in every room in the White House.

World's Gone Mad.

That's okay, Jim. We're still within striking distance of 60 minutes. I have

bet going with Don Hewitt that FYI's donations will bring in more money than

theirs. Look at this. Look.

A clown painting by Morley Safer. Ooh, get out my checkbook.

I get a little ice for my drink.

Never mind. Forget it. Murphy Brown's here. I'll just scrape some off her.

Unless I missed my guest. That's the voice of Marty Crane.

I could tell because my hand instinctively reached out to turn the

come on. Come on. Let's not ruin the moment. We finally get a chance to meet.

We're both here to help out a good cause.

You know, I donated an autographed copy of my cassette, The Worst of Crane.

I decided against my first choice, which was a pair of edible panties.

It was strawberry, which, as I'm sure you know, has a very unpleasant chemical

aftertaste.

You're quite the humanitarian. Well, got to go. Wait, wait, wait. Come on, come

on. Let me ask you something seriously. Come on, I'm a big media superstar. I've

got millions of rabid fans hanging to my every word. When are you going to

interview me on TV?

I'll tell you what, Crane. I'll think about it right after I get back from my

honeymoon with Tom and Roseanne Arnold.

And now, a special item on our program, a day with Murphy Brown.

That's right, you'll spend the day following around this fascinating,

provocative, and eminently watchable newswoman.

After which, you'll spend a scintillating evening dining with the

charming woman herself at Serafina's.

How can you put a price on something like that?

We'll start at $200.

I got $200.

$250. Do I hear $250? I got $250.

Murphy, this is so much fun. Aren't you excited?

Oh, Corky, this isn't about me. It's about helping a wonderful charity

Well, I'm up to four big ones.

I got $400.

$450. Do you hear? $500.

$500 going once.

$500 going twice. $600.

What?

I guess I got $600 bid.

$700.

Wait a minute. She cannot bid on herself.

$300, bid $700, bid $700. What? I can spend the day with you for nothing.

I'll pay you back.

Just do it.

Seven. I got seven going once. Going.

Eight hundred. Eight hundred.

Eight hundred.

Eight hundred dollars and fifty cents.

Ten thousand dollars.

I'm out. Frank!

You gifted me two bucks for lunch the other day.

I got ten thousand dollars bid. Going.

Going. Not going. Not going. Um, okay, everybody. Dinner and a movie.

It's tax -deductible.

And sold for $10 ,000 to the spawn of Satan over there.

$10 ,000 in your face, Hewitt! This is so great.

And yet it has its tragic side.

Give me, give me, give me, give me, give me. All right, Crane, you've had your

joke. You actually expect me to believe you're going to pay $10 ,000?

Oh, you're right. I'm not. My station is.

And if you ask me, they're getting off cheap.

Marty Crane purchases Murphy Brown.

You cannot buy this kind of publicity.

Wait a minute. I just did.

Mr. Crane, take it from me. She isn't worth it. She can be really cranky in

morning. Actually, she can be cranky all day. In fact, most days, I'd spend $10

,000 not to be anywhere near her.

Let me buy back my donation. I'll even throw in a few thousand extra.

Think of all the edible underwear that would buy.

No, Sal, I'm looking forward to this.

Spending an entire day with television's most respected journalist as she goes

after a story, writes her copy, edits the material.

You know, the more I think about it, you better wear something skimpy so I'll

stay awake.

I hate this. I really hate it. You think life is bad and then it just gets

worse. Have fun with Marty, Maria Shriver.

Brad, it's you and not me, Connie Chung.

And this one from Diane Sawyer. Why not turn the other cheek? Ha, ha, ha.

Very clever. I'll bet Mike Nichols wrote it for her.

Well, it is after 10. Perhaps this demented fellow has had enough of his

publicity stunt and is planning on the show.

Oh, I wouldn't bet on it. All day long, he's been having a countdown to Murphy

time. Every hour on the hour, he's playing the tape of her saying, Hi, I'm

Murphy Brown, followed by a cat in heat.

And it wasn't funny at all.

I'm sorry about all this, but, well, I thought maybe a nice senator or an

ambassador would buy you.

It's not my fault you attract the men you do.

Maybe I should change your hair.

Okay, that does it. I'm going home.

This is so typical.

Any little problem in your life has to become a huge one. You want my advice?

Learn to roll with the punches. So you're stuck with Marty Crane. Laugh it

It's only one day. How bad can it be?

salami, bologna.

Bologna is right.

Shut off those cameras.

Cover yourself.

Good Lord, men, have you no shame?

As a member of the media, you have the chance to uplift society, but instead

drag it down to its lowest level.

All right, to be fair, please, explain your humor to me.

Pee -pee.

This is only to you.

Passing gas, of course, hilarious.

A beauty contest, buttocks, my size is quitting.

believe i've made my point oh i like him i'm gonna put him on my show all right

girls no give it a rest give it a rest i want a picture with my new slave girl

here how about a picture of you fanning me no all right okay how about you

listen you get down on all fours like this and i'll put my foot in your back

you look up at me adoringly can you do adoring

Okay, that's it.

Miles, I want you to tell Karnak here to get back on his camel. I can't spend

another minute with this guy, let alone the whole day. Oh, okay, hey, fine, suit

yourself, but I'm sure my station will want its money back. And who's going to

tell those poor kids at the hospital, I'm sorry, Timmy, we're all out of

medical equipment, we're going to have to use those leeches because Murphy

is a spoiled sport.

What are you, about a 34B?

Let's not fuel anything.

happy thoughts, flowers, butterflies, those little jars of honey that look

a bear.

Yeah, at least indicated.

Crane. Yeah.

Okay, I'll do it. But I just want to get one thing straight. The deal was for a

day with me and dinner. That's it. No fanning, no slave girls, no cameras. Got

it? Okay. So you won't wear this?

Look, pencils.

My party.

My man.

Can I call you my man?

I don't know. Who are you?

I love when you do that.

But seriously, look, I want you to go easy on Murphy today, okay?

Trust me, the woman is cool, and some of that stuff you've been saying about her

is a little rough.

Not that I'm trying to be critical, because I'm not. I love you, man. I

do.

You're not going to slam me on your show now, are you?

Why would I slam you? I still don't know who you are.

You're killing me.

Murph is taking care of it.

Uh, okay, Marty.

Uh, fun is fun, and Miles Silverberg can be as wacky as the next guy, but, uh,

this is a place of business, and these people have work to do.

I hear you, Mr. Peabody.

Cleo. Cleo Nefertiti, that's a wrap. I will see you back at the pyramid, all

right? Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

Honey, I'm home.

What's up?

Where do we start?

Gotta go to research.

Research? I'm right behind you.

So, what are you doing? Checking out some deep background or something?

Yep. Yeah, you're probably gonna blow some story wide open, right?

Uh -huh. I really repulse you, don't I? You've got it.

That's right.

You've got your mind all made up about me, and I bet you've never really

listened to my show.

No. But then, I never really set my hair on fire, but I'm betting I wouldn't

like that either.

Shows what I know. I thought you journalists were supposed to be the

type. But I guess it's easier to buy into the hype.

Okay, so the show's a little outrageous. But that doesn't mean we don't cover

serious issues. Now, listen, deadbeat dad, gun control.

Last week, I debated the head of the Ku Klux Klan.

Of course, I didn't tell him the Nation of Islam's kickboxing team would be

there, too.

He was so scared, he wet his sheet.

You laughed.

I did not. Yes, you did. You laughed. You laughed at something the repulsive

Marty Crane said.

It was not a laugh. It was a smirk that got out of control. I was thinking about

something like this.

I think there's some hope for you after all. A whole day together and then

dinner. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

I've got to go to editing. Oh, okay.

The editing room, huh?

You ever get naked in there?

Yeah. Too bad for you it was yesterday.

Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but I'm getting the feeling you don't

people to see us together.

Why is that?

Well, I know. The fact that we finished eating and you still won't let the

waiter take away your menu.

It's 30 degrees outside and you ask for patio seating.

Every time somebody walks by, you dive under the table pretending to look for

your napkin. Oh, what is that? It's the most ridiculous thing I have ever...

Excuse me. Oops, dropped my fork.

Are you Marty Crane? Yes, I am. Yes. You're a disgusting, low -life scum.

ought to lock you up instead of letting you spread your filth on the radio.

I hope you die.

Thanks for listening.

Oh, Miss Cousteau, you can come up now.

So, what did I miss? Another one of your adoring fans?

Well, at least this one didn't spit.

I love it. The personal attacks, the crude remarks. You practically beg for

kind of attention. Wait a minute. I never beg for attention.

Sex, yes, but attention, never.

What can I say? Listen, I know that I'm a jerk.

Even I can't believe some of the stuff that I get away with. But it's fun never

having to censor yourself.

You've got to know what I'm talking about. I mean, I saw that interview you

with Brando. Now, can you honestly tell me that one part of you wasn't just

dying to say to him, come on, Marlon, buddy, what happened? How'd you get so

fat?

One minute you have this handsome stud and a torn T -shirt, and the next couple

has that dart in the set so you don't scare the crew.

When did Stella turn into Stelladoro?

Get off that streetcar named dessert.

Fourteen. Excuse me? That is the fourteenth time you laughed at something

today, and that's not counting the time at lunch when I made Diet Coke come out

of Silverberg's nose.

Okay, so you're funny sometimes, but don't you think it's a little easy, a

little cheap?

Cheap. You sure you want to make that accusation? A woman who has in her

squirt guns, enjoy buzzers, a whole drawer full of rubber vomit. Ooh, going

someone's rubber vomit drawer now, that is love.

I think you're missing a very important distinction here. I am? Yeah. The

difference between us is that when I joke around, it's in private. You,

go on the air and appeal to the very worst in people.

Mm -hmm. You could say that.

Or you could say that I'm giving voice to society's need to explore and push

boundaries of what it considers taboo.

And in some small way, helping society in its ongoing struggle to define

That is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard.

And that's exactly what I told the dork at Time Magazine who wrote it about me.

Look, I know, I push the limits, but you do the same thing with that in -your

-face reporter stuff that you do.

Hey, when I push people too far, it's because I'm trying to inform and educate

them about what's going on in the world. And I am trying to make them laugh, and

after you're through with them, they need it.

Fifteen.

I guess it's time for this low -life scum to climb into his jammies. I got a

show to do tomorrow.

Oh, right.

You're going to slam me, aren't you?

No.

Actually, I'm going to say that you were very fun to be with, that you're an

incredibly good sport, and I was totally wrong about you. All right. Your radio

station's going to pay $10 ,000, but you can tell the world I'm a good sport.

Hey, you know, you could have kicked me out the minute I stepped off the

elevator today.

To tell you the truth, I wish you had. That would have given me some good

material. But you didn't, and...

Anyway, how could I slam you when I'm thinking... Ah, forget it. What?

Well, you know, this might be crazy, but it might be fun for us to get together

again sometime.

Well, no, no, come on. I heard that Starlight Express is in town next week.

Hey, I don't like Andrew Lloyd Webber when they just stand there and sing. Why

do you think I'd want to watch them roller skate? Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait.

Come on, you didn't let me finish. I thought we'd toss marbles on the stage

wait for the pileup.

You know, that is the most twisted thing I've ever...

I'm beginning to see your appeal.

I'm sorry, but I have to tell you, I've heard your show and I find it really

offensive. And I'm not surprised you're with him. You're more obnoxious than he

is.

Thanks for watching.

All right, now coming up in a minute, we've got Thumbelina, the transvestite

midget mud wrestler.

She's going to be here to debate the Clinton health plan with me.

But before I do that, let's...

Let's get serious for a minute. I know you all want to know about my big day

with Murphy Brown.

So let me tell you this. I know I've slammed her before, and I know I've said

some pretty rough things before, but Martin Crane is not too big to admit

was totally wrong about her.

She is not a nice queen. No.

No. In fact, the only way to describe her is hot and

nasty.

Listen, I know she looks kind of bony on TV, but up close and personal, she's

got a nice little booty and she knows how to use it.

And I'm not just saying this because she digs me. You should see her at dinner,

man. She ordered this... She ordered this dessert with whipped cream. Right.

she's looking at the whipped cream.

And she's looking at me.

And I just know she's putting the two together. You know what I mean?

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if right now she's out buying a whole case of

Cool Whip for a little Marty Alamode.

Well, I'm sorry, ma 'am.

You know, maybe if you fixed yourself up a little bit instead of walking around

the house in slippers and curlers all day, your husband wouldn't be attracted

the farm animals.

I don't know, Marty. I don't know what to do anymore.

He won't touch me. He won't even look at me.

You really think that'll help?

I don't know. Look, if that doesn't work, try mooing and chewing a lot.

we're going to take a short break, and we'll be back with more Barnyard Love

Live.

Hey,

this is a nice surprise.

Are you insane?

the hell do you think you're doing? I should have known you would try to pull

something like this. You lying, rotten, disgusting... Was I supposed to call

you? It's what you weren't supposed to do. Slam me, remember?

I didn't slam you.

Oh, no?

What was that stuff about whipped cream and me being, what was it, hot and

nasty? Oh, I didn't realize you were the roses and chocolate type. Oh, no. I

thought I was the type of one of 20 million people to hear you talk about my

booty. Well, it's not like I lied. We did talk about getting together again.

Getting together, whipped cream.

You don't see a weep there?

So maybe I exaggerated a little. You know, I was just beginning to think

was some kind of wit and intelligence behind what you do. But I was wrong. The

truth is, there is nothing there.

That's interesting. Most women usually don't tell me that until we've been

together.

You know, every time I insult you, you agree with me. It's very annoying.

Okay, yes, you're right. I am annoying, but at least I'm not dull.

And I'll tell you something else. I can take a joke, which is much more than I

can say for you. Hey, I can take a joke if it's funny. But that stuff you said

about me wasn't funny.

It was just stupid.

Maybe.

But can you honestly tell me that if you were driving along and you heard me say

the same things about somebody else, say Diane Sawyer, that you wouldn't laugh

so hard you'd scrape a guardrail?

I really know how to fight dirty, you know that?

Hey, Diane, babe, it's Marty Crane.

Listen, I just got your number from a mutual friend and I had to call you.

been watching you on Prime Rib Live and something tells me you're a whipped

cream kind of gal.

You ever wrestle in jello?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.