Original subtitles

Oh, we're in the living room, Avery's playing with his little hippo puzzle,

watching Seed Stand, and Newt Gingrich takes the house floor. That is when my

son picks up the remote control and presses the mute button.

Coincidence? You tell me. Isn't that Avery? He's quite the little character.

he is cute, but you know all kids are cute.

Aren't they? Like my little nephew down in Baton Rouge. The other day... Back to

work.

Morning there, Petey. You know what's funny?

When I was young, some of the kids used to call me Petey.

I used to beat the crap out of them.

You seen any jelly donuts?

Just one right as it was entering my mouth.

Would you like the rest of my eclair?

I'll just trim off the bite marks.

Although you probably don't care.

You've been shot at by foreign soldiers, tortured by terrorists.

Still, you probably don't want to eat where someone's teeth were, so I'll just

trim it off. I don't think so.

I never put my teeth in a place a former Miss America had hers.

Maybe I'll like it.

You're looking a little beat there, Pete Moss. I didn't think all this traveling

was catching up with you.

That darn news keeps happening all over the world. Oh, how true. Which is why

I'll be racking up a few frequent flyer miles of my own next week. It's been a

month since the Mideast Pizza Accord. Israelis and Palestinians have been

history. I hate when that happens and I'm not around. I gotta hand it to you.

That sounds like a great story.

I'd like to cover that one myself.

Well, what can I tell you, Peter Bread?

Stories are like donuts. If you don't act fast, someone else gets the jelly.

Hey -ho!

Hello, people.

Greetings to the finest newest team on the planet.

Corky, that interview you wanted with Sherry Lewis?

She's all yours.

Go get her, tiger.

Peter, I got your notes on that idea for a mid -ease follow -up. I am sending

you back out. Your story looks great. Wait a minute.

That isn't his story. That's my story. I'm sorry. Do I have a little jelly on

mouth?

I was going to pitch that story. I was just talking about it. Tell him, Jim.

Frankly, Slugger, I don't know why you'd even want the Sherry Lewis story.

Corky, you were standing right there. The Mideast Peace Accord, Israelis,

Palestinians.

That's what you're doing?

Oh, what a wonderful story.

Corky, that's my wonderful story.

As they say in the Gulf, that aircraft carrier has sailed.

You can't seriously be letting him get away with this.

Oh, I don't know. Why don't you write up some notes? I'll take a look at them

and make a decision.

Wait a minute. I thought International was my BP.

Oh.

Do we really want to spend such a beautiful day lost in rancor and malice?

world is so full of so many wonderful things.

The miracle of a flower.

The smell of autumn.

Waffle cones.

Let's enjoy life.

Oh, Miles, you found the Lord?

Or he got lucky last night.

No, no, no, no, no. I wasn't even with Audrey last night. I was in New York for

a late meeting and I came straight to work this morning.

However, next Sunday may be a different story for Audrey and me.

Oh my God, he's got sideline passes to the Redskins game.

I've been in Washington 20 years. I've never even seen sideline passes. You

can't even get regular seats. They've been sold out since 1966.

And against the Giants, people kill for tickets like these.

And look, there's a little clip so you can wear them.

Pretty great, huh? I got them from Data Gergen. We were in the locker room at

the press club. I lent him my overcoat, and this is how he thanked me. An

overcoat got you sideline passes?

Well, he was pretty grateful, since Bob Dole had just stolen his pants.

There was nothing in his locker but a note. I never forgive, and I never

Alas, the benefit of the two -party system.

Forget Audrey.

Take me, and I'll find ways to repay you that are ten times better than sex.

Guys, guys, guys!

Come on.

as much as I'd like to take you all. I don't think I should be at the game with

a work buddy when the scoreboard flashes the message, Audrey, will you marry me?

I remember the

first time I saw you with your little blue blazer and your serious little

in my hotel room in New York last night, and I realized how much I missed Audrey

and how much it meant to know that she was at home waiting for me. At that

moment, I knew I wanted her to still be there in 10 years, in 20 years, when I'm

in my grave.

Oh, that's a nice reason to marry someone, Miles, so you can be sure

sitting shiva for you.

I, for one, find it wonderful.

Welcome to the fraternity of the ring. I wish you a world of happiness.

Oh, Miles, I'm...

happy for you. Just remember, a buffet -style reception can save up to $20 per

invited guest.

Hey, I'm happy for you, too.

You and Audrey, you just meant for each other.

So, Miles, I don't know what to say, really. I haven't known you that long. I

never met Audrey.

But even though 50 % of all marriages end in divorce, I'm sure that you will

make it through the boredom and the claustrophobia.

He thinks he can just come in here and take whatever he wants.

I'm going for the record.

Jeez, Miles, learn to knock. I could have punctured your lung.

Go ahead.

After the day I've had it, it would actually be a pick -me -up.

She'll spend some time with her friend. They'll go to dinner, see a few movies.

And after she's grown a little scared, she'll come running on back. Running on

back. She's moved to England.

Oh.

I called her at her mother's and begged her to come home.

She said it was just too hard living with someone so wrapped up in his work.

I told her I'd change my priorities, but the third time I put her on hold, we

both knew I couldn't change.

Show me if I can't ignore a call waiting.

With a new Clinton tax plan, it's actually financially advantageous.

The most humiliating part is I already told people we were getting married.

My parents, my friends, my old roommates.

I guess I need to check with Audrey first.

Miles, I want to help you.

I know I can't take away the pain, but I do know some highly placed officials in

England. I'm pretty sure I could have her declared a typhoid risk.

Thanks.

But there's nothing anyone can do.

I guess I just needed to say it out loud once to make myself believe it really

happened. But please, I'm not ready for anyone else to know.

Okay? Whatever you... Don't worry about me.

Gotta give Miles credit for trying. He certainly was ready to commit.

and on a scoreboard in front of 50 ,000 people.

So, I guess he's got an extra ticket for the game now.

Hank, the man's world is crumbling, and that's all you can think about? That's

not all I can think about. I feel awful for myself. I was just making an

observation. And don't tell me the thought never crossed your mind.

Well, of course it crossed my mind. They're sideline passes. You'd have to

dead not to think about them.

But I didn't like myself for it.

And the most humiliating part is I already told my dentist, my doorman, the

at the newsstand in the lobby.

Oh, poor thing.

Miles, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I offer my most heartfelt condolences.

Jim, isn't that what you said when his pet turtle died?

I'm sorry, but expressing sympathy is awkward for me. I find that speech works

with most misfortune.

As I said, I haven't known you that long.

I never

met Audrey, so... You've got to be sure to change their water.

Turtles, that is.

I probably wouldn't apply to Audrey.

for each other. She was probably just using you to get her green card.

And frankly, she looked like the type to just balloon up right after the

wedding.

Do you need this helping?

A little.

Do you want to hear some more?

She came on to me once.

I appreciate your support.

Really.

But it's now time to move on.

I should be getting back to work.

Work. My one true bride.

I almost forgot.

The sideline passes.

Haunting reminders of a life that was never meant to be.

Anybody want them?

No one can think about football at a time like this.

But if you really... I'll take it.

Frank, I wasn't finished. I was going to be sent to the first and then take the

tickets. Yeah, well, that's very fascinating. You know, Frank, I've been

thinking. You and I haven't spent a lot of time together outside of work, and I

figured that this would be a... Oh, believe.

You are embarrassing yourself.

Frank, tell him how long we have been friends.

16 years. That's... That is right.

16 years. So who do you think he's going to take to the game?

Tabitha Soren. What?

These aren't take -a -friend tickets. These aren't press -a -date tickets.

could be my big chance with Tabitha. What's the matter? Couldn't you find

someone younger?

Ooh, maybe Tabitha will drive you to the game in her Fisher -Price Playmobile.

Oh, shut up.

Hello,

guys. Mind if I join you? Not at all. Why don't you sit right here? Thanks,

As managing editor of FYI, you've been incredibly busy helping Miles run the

show. Especially now that he's so depressed.

Hey, Bill. Imagine this. Four days.

Four days, and the poor guy hasn't even been able to assign that mid -East

story. But, hey, that's not my point.

I just thought this would be a good chance for us to get to know each other.

Salt?

Oh, there you are, Jim. You were supposed to tell me when you were

lunch. So, what have you two been talking about?

story came up when I wasn't here. For the love of Mike, will you two leave me

alone? I can't even go to the men's room without being followed. And Murphy, I

don't appreciate that.

Now, Miles will assign the story when he's ready.

Well, then there's nothing to do but wait for the recently scorned man who

probably hates all women to make an unbiased decision.

Miles may be bitter against some women, but not against one who just air

expressed him a pint of hot fudge from Rumpelmeyer's, the place his beloved

Silverberg used to take him when he was upset.

Great. He can eat it off the chest of the $1 ,000 -a -night hooker I'm

of getting him.

Oh, Frank, hello.

Oh, but isn't Captain Sideline?

Don't start with me, Murph. I'm not in the mood.

Jim, here's a copy from my NASA story. I can't fly miles, and I have to fly to

Florida for the weekend.

My parents' condo fell into a sinkhole.

Oh, Frank, are your parents okay?

They're fine.

They were in church when God decided to swallow up.

The master bedroom, the lanai, and half the Cadillac. Frank, I'm sorry to hear

of your loss. I offer my most heartfelt condolences.

I just can't believe all the bad luck people at work are having.

And people who've had the football tickets.

I know you're all going to think this sounds like southern mumbo -jumbo, but

it's almost as if those tickets were cursed. Oh, nonsense.

The concept of a curse is ludicrous.

And I'll prove it. Frank?

You have those tickets?

Now, I'm going to the game, and nothing bad will happen to me.

Frank just gave you the tickets. He didn't give you the tickets, right? You

didn't give him the tickets? Tell him. How can you think about football at a

time like this? The earth is shifting beneath my parents.

You know how they don't like change? They used to complain when a new dance

was introduced on Lawrence Wells.

I was thinking about your parents. That's why I didn't ask for the tickets

away. Who said, wow, Frank, are your parents okay? Whose mouth did those

come out of?

First I tried being sensitive with Miles, then I was sensitive with you.

what has it gotten me? Squat.

I'm going to have time for this. I have to catch a plane. Of all the weekends

for their place to crumble, it had to be this one. It's like every time fate

gets nauseous, my life is the bucket.

Jim has the tickets?

I walk away for two minutes and Jim has the tickets? How did this happen?

Sinkhole. The tickets are cursed.

Where's Jim?

I've been thinking.

You and I haven't had a chance to spend a lot of time together outside of the

workplace.

That's going to work on a man of Jim's intelligence and perception and a keen

sense of judgment. Oh, put away your encyclopedias. I'm not buying.

But since you two are so desperate to go, I think I'll take, um, Doris.

Is that right?

This ticket is going to be wasted on a woman who'll probably spend the whole

game waiting in line to buy one of those foam fingers she finds so amusing.

as I can, my yapping little colleague.

Hey there, Jim.

I just got a message for you. Oh, no.

Don't let it be his prostate.

Seems that, uh, John McLaughlin's come up one short for his weekly McLaughlin

group, so he called a network for a replacement, and the brass volunteered

What? Hey, doesn't that show tape on a Sunday? I believe it does.

You're invited to McLaughlin's house after the taping to help him break in

new hot tub.

Swimsuits are optional.

There it is. The curse.

Murgan's pants.

Miles' breakup with Audrey.

Frank's sinkhole. And now you in a hot tub with John McLaughlin.

Am I the only one who sees it?

Fine. You all won't be happy until someone loses an eye.

Oh, Lord.

Another one of McLaughlin's parties.

He invites all the Sunday shows, and those face -to -nation people have been

passing around the same foot fungus for years.

This time, I'm wearing my flip -flops, and I'm not taking them off.

Here.

I hope these aren't cursed.

Well, this is an interesting development.

Kind of like it's your 10th birthday, and your parents give you half a pony.

Well, any thoughts on what to do now?

This may sound crazy, but what would you think about trying to do the mature

thing? You'd have to walk me through it. It's been a while since I've done the

mature thing.

Well, I think it has something to do with making the most of the situation,

going to the game together, maybe even having a good time, instead of trying to

outmaneuver each other for the second ticket.

Oh, what the hell. Let's give it a shot.

In fact, I'll even drive us to the game.

Great.

It'll give us a chance to get to know each other a little better.

Did you know that I'm a recovering alcoholic?

I can tell you all about it on the way to the game, during the game, on the way

home from the game.

Terrific. And did you know that I've dabbled in Dianetics?

I'll bring along the book. I think you'll find page 47 especially helpful.

The sideline's 100 yards. With any luck, we'll never see each other. I'm

counting on it.

Great news, Miles.

I just spoke with Abdel Shafi, the chief Palestinian representative.

And he's promised me full access to the plans for self -rule in Gaza.

Yeah, well, I just spoke to Prime Minister Rabin in Hebrew, and he gave me

exclusive interview.

So I guess that my contacts are just a little bit better than yours. Yeah,

I'll match my Rolodex against yours any day.

You're on. And Miles will decide whose is better.

Whole numbers should count twice as much as office. And you better spot check it

to make sure it's up to date. Stop it!

Can't you people see I'm in pain here?

What do I have to do to get some sympathy around here?

Cut a vein?

in a sticky pool, would both of you still be screaming at me to make a

with my last dying gurgle?

I think you would.

Miles, you're right.

I've been completely insensitive to a co -worker and a friend.

You know how I get when I'm on to a story? It's like I'm wearing blinders,

that doesn't excuse the way I acted.

I don't know how I can make it up to you.

I do know one thing.

I can't keep this football ticket.

It's connected to your pain, and I don't want any part of it.

Murphy's right.

What you just said really struck a nerve.

I know the pain of losing someone you love because you can't be there for

And I also know I can't profit from your pain either.

Here.

I am touched.

I really am.

To see two gestures as beautiful as... It makes my decision as to who gets the

media story all that much harder.

But I do have to make a decision.

So, here goes.

You're going to the Mideast together.

With him?

Yep, yep, yep. You both have different angles. You're both equally qualified,

and you're both unbelievably transparent.

Look, I don't share stories, okay? Neither do I. Well, wake up and smell

falafel. You're sharing this one.

And you've got a 16 -hour plane trip to work it all out.

Thank you. Thank you.

the first moment in days I've actually managed to forget about Audrey.

Is it all your fault? It was my idea to throw down the ticket. First, if you

hadn't followed with that hollow copycat gesture, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Oh, yeah, and your gesture was so sincere.

I kept waiting for you to mention your dog, Checkers.

You know what you are. You... No, I'm going to save it for that long wait

through Israeli customs.

I'm bringing my Walkman.

Where's my ticket?

Your ticket.

Oh, I just heard you give a very touching speech about how you didn't

ticket.

Sorry.

Now, wait a second. I thought you said those tickets were cursed.

That's before I had them.

Way to go, Corby. She comes through on a pinch.

So, I know I'm going to have to explain a little bit of the game to you, but

we'll still have a great time.

Your ticket?

I just heard you give a very touching speech about how you didn't want the

ticket. Sorry. What?

For me on TV, I'll be the one standing where you two would have been.

To celebrate our 20th anniversary, we're going to party like it's 1985 with a

lineup of hit shows from the year Nick at Night began.

It's Nick at Night's 20th anniversary celebration.

Three nights starting Tuesday, June 21st at 10 p .m.