Original subtitles

You know, I'd be the first to admit that when we started this project, it seemed

pretty overwhelming. But we are cooking now. So, what's next? Your water bill.

It's a final notice. Gee, how could you let things go this far? I told you,

Frank, I've fallen a little behind. What color is it? Blue.

Oh, that's okay. They don't cut you off until it's pink. And then some woman

named Sylvia usually calls to make sure you're not dead.

Can I make a suggestion?

Do what I do. I get into the office at 8 .15 so I can have a nice cup of coffee,

sort through my mail, and still have enough time to check all our horoscopes.

I have a child now. There is no more 8 .15. I go directly from feed the baby to

late for work.

Jim, one small suggestion.

If you sort at the same time you eat, you could be up to your second or even

third piece of mail by now. Then perhaps during dessert I could wash your car or

iron a few blouses for you.

I'm going as fast as I can.

Judas, priest, look at that. A paper cut.

That's it. I've suffered enough for you.

Catch yourself another whipping boy.

Well, thanks to Jim's selfishness, we're all just going to have to work a little

harder. I'm leaving, too. I already know way more about you than I want to.

I can't understand how someone so blunt could spend so much money on leg waxing.

I'm sorry, Murphy, but I have my...

Now, I've separated your fan mail into positive and negative responses.

I wasn't sure what to do with these two.

They were requests for pictures of your feet. And that seemed like kind of a

gray area.

Here you go, Murphy.

You've got to be careful about bringing your mail in here.

Dan Ralston Kelsey's been hanging around eyeballing that sheet of stacks.

Phil, I'll have a fruit salad to go.

You know, for a big guy, you eat like a bird.

Now, hello, Murphy.

So, Mitchell, things must really be tight if the network's making its vice

presidents pick up their own lunch. No, it isn't just for me. We're spending so

much on our overpaid star reporters that that one fruit salad has to feed the

entire executive wing.

You know that is unfair.

After all, all we do is find the stories, research them, and present them

week in a way that brings in millions of viewers.

You executives, on the other hand, come up with those great slogans for the new

fall season.

What is it this year? Watch us? We're cheaper than cable?

You're forgetting we're also expected to play tennis and decide who gets the big

offices. Apparently yours isn't big enough.

You see, that is the difference between us. You see, your office is your world,

whereas the world is my office. I never stop working.

A symposium at Georgetown next week, a fundraising dinner dance at the

Smithsonian on Sunday. Well, true, it's not a work function specifically, but

I'll be making contacts there that will aid me in my work.

What are you doing on Sunday, Mitchell?

Well, I may not be working. Wait a minute, what are you doing? I don't have

date. You want to go?

You're asking me out?

You're here, you're a man, I'm organizing my life. Yes or no?

That's the smoothest pickup line I've heard since Bob Packwood stopped in here

on Secretary's Day.

Such a gracious invitation. How could I possibly refuse?

Thanks, Mitchell. You're a prince. Well, I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it

for the network. After all, I have to make sure that our highly paid talent

back to work instead of hanging in a bar all day looking for a date.

idea it would be that bad.

Really. Are you kidding? You knew. You just flat out sucked me into going.

it. No, no, no. I thought it would be fun. I mean, a formal dance with lots of

politicians at a museum to raise money for a new fossil wing?

Go ahead and laugh. Because while you were in the ladies' room, I signed you

for the fundraising committee on a migratory bird exhibit.

That is low.

You know, Mitchell, I have to say, I had you pegged as a stuffed shirt, boring,

uptight kind of guy. And you are.

But when you tried to teach Janet Reno the achy breaky, that showed real good.

Yeah, well, that was nothing compared to how you got our car first by telling

the valet I was Patrick Ewing and had to get to the cap center in time for the

tip -off.

Hey, you work with what you've got.

Mitchell, I want to ask you something.

Did you get... the feeling we were attracting a little attention tonight?

Well, maybe people just aren't used to seeing you with someone tall.

That must be it.

Well, thanks a lot for coming with me and being my person who came with me.

Well, I'm always here for you. Just let me know if you need a date for the next

Supreme Court bowling party.

Good night, Murphy.

Good night, Mitchell.

I'm Murphy Brown. You must be my new secretary.

Robert L. Watkins, ma 'am.

Pleasure to be serving under you, ma 'am.

Just a wild guess here, Robert, but were you recently in the military?

Yes, ma 'am.

Gay, ma 'am. They asked, I told, ma 'am.

I see. Well, nice to have you with us, Robert.

And he's... Morning, Mom.

Mitchell, this is a nice surprise.

So what brings our favorite VP down to the nerve center of FYI?

Business or just come to chat?

I really don't chat, Miles. I don't have the time.

Of course not.

Not as a week. Not that we wouldn't make time if you wanted to. Chat, that is.

But you're too busy, as are we.

Yes.

Small schedule change. You'll be airing an hour later next week. We're getting

you out of the way of some James Seymour miniseries on another network.

I think in this one she plays a beautiful heroine with long hair.

Well, I don't foresee any problems, Mitchell. Sounds like a good programming

move. I chat about it more, but no time for that. No time, no.

Mitchell, hi.

Morning, Murphy. Can I talk to you for a moment? Certainly.

I know you're trying to organize your life, and I thought that it might be

helpful if, in order to organize your life next Saturday night, for example,

knew where, when, and with whom you were spending the evening.

Well, you know, you're right, Mitchell. That would be very helpful. Well, that's

excellent, because I happen to have two tickets to the Kennedy Center, and it

would ease my mind considerably to know that I'll have a familiar face next to

me. I hate sitting next to strangers. I know what you mean. And then there's

that whole armrest thing. Other people always think it's for them.

What are you supposed to be talking about?

Well, they can't be chatting. He doesn't have time to chat.

What are you writing? Work stuff. What are you writing? Thoughts and ideas.

I think I heard him say something about seven. Seven what? Seven what? I don't

know. I can't hear what the two of you are talking about.

Shh.

Sorry for the interruption, people.

Bye. Hi.

What are you guys writing? Well,

just in case your hearing isn't what it used to be, Mitchell and I went out last

night.

We had a very nice time. We're going out again.

Broccoli has only one L, Miles.

Oh, hey.

How about that?

So you and Mitchell have something going.

That's great.

Isn't that great?

Oh, Murphy.

Just great. I am all for this, Murph.

That's it. I think we can move on. No,

Jim. I don't want to move on.

I mean, it's pretty obvious how uncomfortable we all are about this, but

I'm the only one brave enough to say it.

I think it's wrong for her to be dating Baldwin.

He's your boss, for God's sakes.

Well, technically, Miles, Baldwin isn't my boss, he's yours, so you shouldn't

date him, but I can.

This isn't funny, Murphy. Bad things happen when people date at the office.

Or have you forgotten about the time Vicki in accounting broke up with Earl

the mailroom?

Oh, right, like Mitchell wouldn't even know how to drive a forklift.

Is that what's bothering all of you? The fact that Mitchell is a network VP?

I am not.

I mean, it's just great.

I keep saying great because I don't want it to seem like I have a problem with

this.

You mean because Baldwin is black and Murphy is white, whenever you picture

together, you can't help but think, my, there's a very black man dating a very

blonde woman.

No. My problem is that Baldwin is just so straight. You were put on this earth

to get people like that Greek, not to date them.

But I know everybody's going to think that my problem is the racing, and no

matter how much I say it's not the racing, it's going to seem like it's the

racing. That's what you're all thinking, right? That it's the racing?

Frank, actually, I'm chalking it up to the fact that you're jealous of anybody

who has a second date.

Well, there's always that.

I just want you to be happy. I don't. Now she's dating the boss.

I think what Murphy's doing is wonderful.

After all, she hasn't had much left dating white men.

Really good idea.

Gee, thanks, Corky. And who knows, if things don't work out with Mitchell, I

could always look into Hispanics and Asians, too.

Why, in China alone, they have billions.

For the love of my... I don't care if the man is purple.

Just because people work together doesn't mean they have to share every

detail of their personal lives.

It starts like that, and the next thing you know, you're standing at the water

cooler, images dancing in your head of that raven -haired receptionist on the

third floor wearing lace garters and frilly underthings.

Jim has a point.

I'm sure we have much more pressing problems to discuss.

Frank, I took a look at your... Oh, it's no use. Now you're all in your

underwear. I'm going to my office in a minute.

I'm telling you, Frank, it was appalling. The second Mitchell and I

the restaurant, everyone at the senator's table started whispering. And

wasn't long before they began twisting around, doing that looking thing where

you pretend like you're looking at something else, but your eyes really

darting back to what you're really looking at. So I guess what we did,

we had drinks sent over to their table. Guess what kind? I don't know.

Kahlua and cream.

I don't think you get it. Kahlua and cream. It was great. They were so

embarrassed they left without even ordering dessert.

You and Mitchell have gone out, what, four times? And every time your picture

ends up on the Society page or People magazine or... Well, that's exactly my

point. I've dated men who were much more famous, and our pictures never appeared

in the paper this much, but suddenly I date one black man, and boom, I'm news.

I'd never get this kind of attention.

I could date the entire cast of The Wiz. No one would even look at me.

Trust me, Frank, this is not the kind of attention one seeks out. So tonight,

we're going to go to the South African Embassy.

Murph, I said I wanted you to be happy. I didn't say I want to hear about it.

Corky, did I tell you what Mitchell and I did last night? Yes, Murphy.

Clue and cream.

I got it.

Sorry. It's just I can't believe the kind of reaction Mitchell and I have

getting these past few weeks. I know. It's a real shame. It just goes to show

some people haven't come as far as others.

Which reminds me, Murphy, I want to invite you and Mitchell over for dinner.

Oh, thanks.

Not this weekend, of course, because my parents are in town.

They're still kind of getting used to me working with a Jewish person.

Jim, did I tell you what Mitchell and I did? Yes, glue and cream.

This was just delivered for you, ma 'am.

And if I may, I know what you're going through.

I dated a black man once.

Society can be very cruel, ma 'am.

Murphy, just the woman I was looking for.

So, how's everything going? Fine.

Ooh, muffins.

They're from Ted Danson.

You know,

Murphy, sometimes I tend to get immersed in all the business aspects of FYI, and

I forget about the people. So occasionally I just like to take time

in, catch up.

So, what's up?

You happy?

Yes, Miles.

Good, good.

Because if you ever have... any problems, any problems at all, no matter

teeny tiny.

I would hope that you bring them to me, the executive producer of FYI.

You know, instead of going over my head and perhaps screaming out in the heat of

passion, Miles gave my health care story to Frank.

Oh, come on, Miles. You know I'm not the type of person to talk about someone

behind their back.

Although it has been four months since I asked you for that new laser printer.

I told you it got held up at the factory.

Well, then you have nothing to worry about, do you?

No.

Mitchell and I, Mitchell and I, let's just forget this annoying new show we're

working on and talk about what's really important.

What color paisley does Mitchell prefer on his bikini briefs?

Perhaps he favors those with the little cartoon characters on the crotch. Or

maybe Donald Duck, or perhaps Steamboat Willie is more to his liking.

And then Cary Grant says... Never mind, I'm serious in the movie. Excuse me.

I didn't know Chinese food came without the little white boxes.

Well, I enjoy cooking. Sometimes I spend all weekend in the kitchen.

I can see why. All that chopping and chopping and chopping, making sure every

piece is exactly the same size. Well, let's be honest. Would it really taste

different if one piece of red pepper were just a teeny bit bigger than the

Well, I may be somewhat of a perfectionist, which isn't easy when

stirring with a pizza cutter.

Sorry.

I could have sworn I had some utensils in there somewhere. Did you look in the

toy chest?

Well, this is nice, isn't it? Just the two of us spending an evening in. Yeah,

if I'd have known you had such a way with Kung Pao chicken, we would have

this sooner. Oh, thank you.

So, I guess whoever didn't cook has to clean up.

Whoa, where'd that rule come from?

That's the way we did it in my family. How'd you do it? Whoever didn't call in

the order had to throw away the paper plate.

You have to understand, I grew up in a family where the smoke alarm was used as

an oven timer.

Okay, I'll think.

Oh, no.

So, What do you want to do tonight?

I brought a surprise.

I love surprises. A video.

He makes the dinner and rents the movie. I could get used to this.

What did you rent?

Persona, Ingmar Bergman.

How about that?

You don't like it?

No, no, no. It's just that I slept through it twice. But really, it's fine.

Roll.

Murphy, I'm not going to watch a movie that you don't want to watch.

How could you sleep through Persona? It was boring, and I hate subtitles.

Don't you ever wonder why the actors say some really long sentence like... And

then the subtitle says one little word like no?

It's like some Swedish translating person isn't having a great big Nordic

at our expense.

Honestly, anything's fine.

No, it's okay. Since you've cleaned up, why don't we just watch something that

you want to watch?

Well, maybe I do have something. Whatever. I'm flexible.

Okay, I'm going to take a chance here, but I think we've been going out long

enough that I can reveal something personal about myself.

There's something I like to watch that a lot of people think is, well, unusual,

but many adults really get pleasure from.

If you agree, this could take our relationship to a whole new level.

Roadrunner cartoons.

It's the one where the coyote chases the roadrunner off the edge of the cliff,

and they're both running in midair, and then the coyote falls, but the

roadrunner doesn't. So the coyote holds up a sign that says, that defies the law

of gravity, and the roadrunner holds up a sign that says, I never studied law.

Nope, I don't think so.

Well, Mr. Flexible sure has changed his tune. Hey, I'm flexible just because I

don't want to watch some cartoon. It is not just a cartoon.

The coyote never gives up. It's an allegory for persistence and the triumph

the spirit. And it's funny.

Although it's not the laugh Riot Bergman is.

Look, Murphy, this is our first evening in together. I think we can enjoy it

without staring at a television for two hours. Why don't we just sit and talk?

Why not?

Conversation's always good.

So, what should we talk about?

Judging from our past experience, not foreign trade, not health care, not

program, not the gold standard, not Andrew Lloyd Webber.

So, the roadrunner just hangs there in midair.

Mitchell, am I alone in this, or do

you sense that there's something missing here?

Like?

people looking at us.

Oh, come on, we hate that.

I know, I know, but right now I'm very aware of the sound of my brain spinning,

trying to come up with something to say, or at least something that won't get us

into an argument. And when we were out in public, we never had that problem.

Well, Murphy, you said yourself how much it bothered you when people gave us

those weird looks. I know, and the whispering, that was very annoying. And

photographers, they drove us nuts. Yep, I hated all those things. I don't even

know why I said anything.

Just a few awkward moments, and I panicked. Sorry.

So you want to go out for ice cream? Great idea.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I know.

Okay. So we're the kind of people who like to stir things up. Maybe we get a

kick out of the way people react to us. Is that so terrible?

No, it isn't. If you think about it, what we're actually doing is making

face their own preconceptions. Right, it's like we're performing a public

service. Exactly. We are saying to the world, this happens, get used to it.

Right, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Unless... Unless...

This is more about stirring things up and less about dating.

It is possible that we were so wrapped up in the stares and whispers that we

overlooked a few things.

Like the fact that you are a tad bit on the compulsive side.

Oh, maybe you have a point. All those raised eyebrows was such a rush, I think

might have convinced myself that your perpetual need to be right was kind of

cute. Oh, please.

This from the man who had a cab pull over so he could run into a music store

buy sheet music to prove that the whole world smiles with you when you're

smiling, not while you're smiling? Yeah, and even after I showed it to you, you

insisted it was a misprint, so don't talk to me about being right.

You know what, Mitchell?

You're right.

See? I don't have to be right all the time, or else I'd insist you were wrong

and I was right. But I'm agreeing with you, so guess what? You're wrong.

Oh, man.

Who are we kidding?

Yeah.

All things being equal, this probably would have ended on the third date.

Second, you're forgetting about the let's go backstage, Baryshnikov knows me

incident.

Um, just for the record...

It wasn't only a matter of convenience when I asked you out in the first place.

Well, to that same record, if you hadn't, I would have gotten around to

you out.

You know, we're still friends. You don't have to leave right away.

I'd do it if I want to watch Persona tonight.

Goodbye.

You know... What?

Well, I was just thinking, it's too bad that we're not going to be together for

the Image and Media Awards next month. Lots of hairs to turn there.

Well, we could still go. Great, Spike Lee's going to be there.

And so goes another.

So many men have gone before him.

And they all leave with that same look on their face.

What are you doing here? He's asleep and I'm about to be. I had an inspiration

for that blank spot above the fridge. Hillary Clinton in a waiting room with a

thermometer in her mouth.

Ellen, let me ask you something.

Do you think I purposely pick men who are wrong for me?

Damn the muse that brought me here tonight.

No, really, I want to know.

Well, I don't know that you do it on purpose, but I do know that they're all

wrong. Although I must admit I would be hard -pressed to figure out who would be

right. I'm beginning to regret I brought this up.

No, no, let's think about this for a moment.

The right man for the woman, that is you.

Well, he would have to have the brains of Aristotle, the warmth and sensitivity

of that...

Mr. Rogers, fellow, the ears of a deaf man, the patience of...

Maybe you should just get a cat.

Mr. Rogers?

I could get Mr.

Rogers. Now I'm going to have nightmares.

Although it would cause quite a controversy.

Mrs. Rogers would be very upset.

We'd be the talk of the neighborhood.

Oh, come on now. I'm not the kind of person who walks behind people's backs.