Original subtitles

Okay, Eldon.

Avery's fine. I read him a story. I turned out the light. He finished his

bottle. He's out for the night.

Oh, God. I'm going to have to lay off the Dr. Seuss for a while.

Look, just how long are you going to be gone again?

Eldon, I told you. The poker game is going to go all night, but I should be

tomorrow before Avery wakes up. Now, if there's any problem, you can just call

me on Phil's houseboat. Any sign of Miles yet? Not yet. You know how I get

seasick every year. He's probably still at home scotch -guarding his shoes.

Poor lad.

I can still picture him last year, draped over the railing, doing the old

-ho halfway down the Potomac. That big blue fish followed us for hours.

Look, are you sure this is such a good idea? I mean, what if baby wakes up at 3

a .m. and wants a lullaby from you? Now, the only way I could possibly

approximate your singing voice would be to throw, like, half a dozen forks into

the garbage disposal.

I mean, even that might prove to be too melodic.

Eldon, what are you worried about? It's not like this is the first time you've

stayed alone with Avery. I know, but...

It's the boat thing, okay?

You know, we Bernike's have never been a seafaring people.

And correct me if I'm wrong here, but wasn't the whole point of evolution to

move the species out of the water and onto land?

Also, I just watched The Little Mermaid. Let me tell you, there's some pretty

scary things down there.

Well, then, we're just going 30 miles down the Potomac, a river not known for

talking crabs or evil sea witches, unless you count the time I saw Leona

Helmsley shoving her accountant off the back of her yacht.

Actually, fine, you go.

But mark my words, the sea can be a cruel mistress, cold and dark, eager to

break a man's spirit, swallow up a human life.

Or is that Romanian women?

Where the heck is Miles? He's cutting into valuable poker time. I know. I

to get to the marina early. Phil said I could take the boat out this year.

Really?

Traditionally, I'm the one who takes us out.

Yeah, well, Phil said I could drive the boat this year.

I see.

Incidentally, Frank, you don't drive a boat. The proper term is pilot.

You pilot the boat.

Well, pilot, drive, what difference does that make? The difference is one is

right and one is wrong.

Let me get our priorities straight here. Tonight is about poker. Our annual go

for broke, bare -fisted, blood -on -the -walls game of poker that will leave

four grown men crying as I break their wills and pocket their cash. Yeah,

You have been saying the same thing for 15 years, Murph, and every year the

night ends with Phil doing his victory dance with you soaking over in a corner

eating the last two feet of a six -foot hoagie.

Well, Frank, tonight is going to be different. Phil is going down big time,

I'm the one taking him there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's a little test.

starboard right side of the vessel or left which is it amateur

well look who decided to show captain queasy

not anymore i just stopped at the pharmacy and picked up the emotion

remedy this year that big blue fish is gonna have to find his own dinner well

i've got a card game to win jim give me the keys to your car we gotta make up

for lost time you're driving oh god i better take a couple pills now

What are you doing here?

Well, you invited me to your poker party, remember?

Well, we invite you every year, but you never come.

I know, but I was sitting at home alone reflecting on my life and my divorce and

how this is a time for me to expand and grow. You bring money?

You bet.

Get in the car. We're going.

Reece, I mean, Pearl to Jenny.

Ha!

Doesn't it feel like we're rocking a lot?

I think we're rocking a lot.

Actually, it's no surprise. But with Frank operating this vessel like it's

horsey ride outside Kmart... Oh, Frank, I'd be more than happy to take the helm

from you. Oh, that's okay, Jim. I'm just about to park the boat anyway.

Park the boat.

Man has a nautical sense of a naval orange.

We're doomed.

Now, this over here, Corky, is the plaque commemorating the winner of each

year's poker game.

And you'll notice.

My name engraved on it 15 times.

Yeah, well, you keep polishing it real good, Skipper. I want it to sparkle

nicely when my name goes on it tonight.

We're all set. I just threw that big black iron thing off the side of the

It's an anchor, damn it. See it. See it.

You are so easy.

Guys, when can we start playing cards?

I promised my banker I'd be making a large deposit tomorrow morning. Hope he

widened the door of the vault so I can get my wheelbarrow filled.

Yeah, sure.

Fontana's got his lucky hat on. I'm scared now.

Oh, you just back it up with your cards, Ace.

Standy up.

Okay, same rules as always. Five card draw, three raise limit. When you're out

of money, you're out of the game.

Now, Corky, are you sure you understand everything?

I do have a question, Frank.

What's the food called that's black and shaped like a little three -leaf clover?

That's called a club.

A club.

Okay. Now, how would you like me to go get one and hit you over the head with

it?

I know what I'm doing, Frank. I read a book on poker strategy this afternoon.

Well, I'm going to be reading a book tomorrow morning. My bank book. And what

nice, fat book it will be.

Yada, yada, yada. I'll be back.

Sorry, Murphy, that's the game I play.

Percentages. If the cards aren't there, neither am I.

No sense throwing good money after bad.

No use getting emotional about it. We know. It's like playing with a corpse.

Yes, Frank. A corpse with a full understanding of nautical terminology.

Check.

I bet one dollar.

I'll see that. Raise your five.

Dick Wilson's Big Book of Poker, Chapter 5.

Talk like a winner.

I'm in.

Okay, show them.

Oh, yes!

Three bullets! Very nice hand. Come to mama.

Good luck there, Barfie.

You too.

It's good to see you enjoying yourself, Murphy.

It's such a nice change of pace from that deep, dark depression you'll be

entering in about two hours. Keep on dreaming, Dutch.

Well, I'm out.

What do you mean you're out? Frank hasn't even started dealing the cards

mean, I'm out of the game.

I'm out of money.

You mean all you brought was $7?

No, of course not.

I had $40. But when I went to the pharmacy for the seasick stuff, they

take a credit card. And I sort of picked up a few other things.

Toothbrush, slippers, batteries.

And then there was that canister by the register to save the seal pups. That

always gets me.

Here, Miles, I'll loan you some money so you can stay in the game.

Oh, no, you don't. With Mr. Stop and Shop gone, it's just one less roadblock

between me and victory.

If you're hungry, Miles, there's sandwiches in the fridge.

Liverwurst, egg salad, pimento loaf.

No, no, no, no, Phil. I had a late lunch.

Dig down in the back there. There may be a jar of creamed herring.

I have to leave now.

Yes, the first has fallen. Who will be the next?

Damn it to you. I'm out.

Oh, stop the presses.

in, are you? Well, think about it, Murph. Nobody could bluff that badly.

I see you're a bad corky and raise you two.

Two it is.

How many cards you want?

Um, none.

You don't want any cards? You mean you want to stay with that hand?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, wait a minute.

You want me to think you have a good hand? Now, that is very crafty of you,

Sherwood. Not bad.

I'm not going to play that game. No, no, no, no.

Let's see. I will take two cards.

All right.

Oh.

Hey, bud.

I'll see your three.

Raise you... Eight.

Nope. Two.

Nope.

Five. What is she doing?

See what she's doing.

All right, all right. Just wait a minute. Now, think this through. She's

Like someone who has a good hand but wants me to think she has a bad hand.

her bluff was so bad that I knew she had a bad hand.

Although she didn't take any cards, which meant she had a good hand, so I

wrong the first time. Or I was right.

She did have a bad hand but wanted me to think it was a good hand. Make up your

mind. I can smell your brain burning.

Okay, okay.

The pants go when I'm walking.

Hey there, boys and girls.

Come on out on deck.

There's a full and groovy moon out tonight.

Is everything all right, Miles? You seem a little peculiar.

Nope. Feeling really bitchin'. Miles, you didn't take any more of

those seasick pills, did you? I took the pills. I drank the liquid I wear in the

patch.

The word on the street is this dude is proper.

I sent him on that anniversary cruise. He ended up on stage during the Aloha

Review bumping and grinding with the Bob Baker marionettes.

I want to party with that cat.

Don't you worry about me, Frank -a -roni, the San Francisco treat. I am

medicated, lubricated, and working it out.

Play the percentages. Go by the rules.

Where does it get you?

Same place it gets you every year, Jimmy Jim Jimbo.

Checked into the Hotel Loser where Corky Miles and Frank are drowning their

sorrows in the I Lost My Shirt Lounge.

How about a little less talking, a little more card playing?

Having a good time.

Well, I'm going to have to bet 20.

Fine.

So you're 20?

Raise 20.

You're blowing smoke, big man.

That makes 40.

Well, why not? I'm overdue.

Cards? How about you, Murphy?

Two.

Just the two of us doing the dance of death till the last one is standing.

And history tells us who that will be.

Well, Phil, I got news for you. You are no longer facing the same old Murphy

Brown. Thirty -nine and a half hours of labor and five months of breastfeeding

have only made me stronger.

Tonight, my name goes on that plaque.

Oh, if I had a buck for every time you said that.

Oh, I guess I do.

What time is it?

Every year I think this is going to be fun.

Every year I end up broke, asleep on this couch, lying in a puddle of my own

drool.

Why do I do this to myself?

Because it's about three steps up from your personal life at home.

I'm sorry, Frank.

I didn't mean what I did.

Murphy, you'd be a fool to stay in this head.

But if you want to, it's going to cost you 50 bucks.

You know what they say, Phil.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Of course, no angel ever had a hand like this.

I will see your bet and raise you a hundred.

Oh, into the valley of death she rode.

I see your saw butt and raise you a hundred and fifty.

Look, Phil, it's getting late, so I'll make this quick. I will see your bet and

raise you everything.

Sorry, Phil, you know the rules.

If you can't cover the bet, ding -ding, welcome to the hotel loser. I'll have

the bell. I'll take your paper bag up to your room.

Not so fast, Murphy.

This ought to cover it.

I'm putting in my boat.

You can't.

Phil, you can only bet the money you bring to the table.

Oh, come on, Murphy. Give me a break here.

This streak has lasted for 15 years. If I'm going to go down, let me go down

swinging. We can't fold this without showing our hands.

I'd show you the same consideration.

Okay.

In that case, let me make it even.

Your Porsche?

What, are you guys nuts? A car, a boat?

You're on.

Oh, crying out loud. You don't want to do this, guys. What's going on? This has

gotten completely out of hand.

It's okay, Jim. I see the problem.

Look, we can't have this.

It's one minute to air and Prime Minister Churchill still doesn't have

makeup on.

Mrs. Roosevelt, you coy little minx.

Okay, Phil, this is it.

High noon.

What have you got?

Oh, Murphy.

There's only four sixes in the deck.

And it's such a rare and beautiful thing to see them all together.

That is a beautiful sight, all right.

But not as beautiful as four knives.

Get the photographer.

No, no, no, no. Call the engraver. No, wait. Just give me a knife. I'm going to

carve it in myself.

Say what you will. The woman's a classy winner.

You know, you dream of something for 15 years, and then you think it can't

possibly be as sweet as you imagined.

How do you think my name should appear on the plaque, Corky?

Block type?

Script? Or those universal symbols they use on space probes so that undiscovered

civilizations will know what transpired here and be able to pass it on to their

people in song and story?

I don't care, Murphy.

I'm tired, I'm bored, and I want to go home.

How many times can I read the same stupid fish magazine?

Registration slip.

Maintenance records.

Extra set of keys.

Phil, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm not taking your boat.

We both got a little crazy last night and bet more than we should have. But in

the light of day, we realize that, right?

Oh, Murphy, don't make this any harder than it is.

I've never welsed on a bet in my entire life, and I'm not about to start now.

You've won the boat fair and square.

Hey, Murph. Look.

Jim's been driving the boat for a while. We're almost home. How about letting me

dock it?

Don't ask me, Frank. It's Phil's boat.

Phil? Don't ask me.

It's Murphy's boat.

Phil! Murph?

I don't care, Frank.

Great. Oh, Jim!

Murphy said I could do it! Oh, Murphy said, Murphy said. You little mama's

Good times, crazy times.

Crazy times where anything can happen.

You don't remember any of it, do you, Miles?

Of course I do.

I remember everything.

Oh!

My hair has a point!

Who did this to me?

I don't know, Miles. I pretty much started ignoring you after you put that

of cheese on your head as a yarmulke and introduced yourself as Cheddar the

Yeshiva Boy.

without getting struck by lightning. I swear I will never set foot on Phil's

boat again.

It's Murphy's boat now.

But only because Phil's too proud to take it back.

Well, I've got a little trick up my sleeve that's going to change his mind.

The two of us are going to cut cards.

I -Card gets the boat.

Murphy, you're going to play cards?

That's what got you into this mess in the first place.

Yep, and it's going to get me out of it. There is now only one two in this deck,

and I know exactly where it is.

It's a little trick I learned from Penn and Teller, only I'm leaving out the

part where I stick the fondue forks into my eyes.

You better get out on deck, Miles.

There's a seagull nesting in one of your loafers.

And the curse begins.

Cover your eyes, Miles.

That's what they go for.

Bill, I still say this whole thing is nuts.

If you won't let me give you the boat back, then at least let me give you a

chance to win it back.

I can't do that, Murphy.

Come on, Phil, 35 years of memories.

Look at this.

You and Jack Kennedy fishing off the back of the boat.

Hugh and Tip O 'Neill doing cannonballs off the side.

Yeah, we went through a whole lot of sunblock that day.

Look at this.

Phyllis' old bathing cap.

Oh, actually, that belonged to J. Edgar Hoover.

of our Fourth of July weekend wearing a hot pink sundress and calling himself

Miriam.

God, that man could rumba.

That's what I'm talking about, Phil. Good memories.

Great memories.

Strange memories. Memories worth gambling for.

Ah, jeez, Murphy, I don't know.

Come on, Phil.

I won this on a fluke. One lucky hand in 15 years.

How can I enjoy the boat knowing that?

So why don't we settle this once and for all?

You pull high card, you keep the boat. I pull high card, then I'll just keep it

and that'll be the end of it.

Well, it is kind of tempting.

After all, I'm pretty fond of the old girl. Of course you are. So you should

So what do you say?

Let's go for it.

Well, since you put it that way.

An accident while we were docking.

Jim hit another boat.

Not just any boat.

What in the blazes do you people think you're doing over there? Walter

Cronkite's boat.

Hey, hey, do you hear me?

Who's the owner of this garbage scowl? He wants to talk to you, Skipper.

Me? I'm not the Skipper. You are.

You won the boat.

You were going to cut the cards. Yeah, who's to say I would have won?

Trust me.

Good Lord, we're going down.

Betsy, Betsy, grab the cat.