Original subtitles

Good morning, Miss Brown.

I'm your new secretary, Dorothy Hefnayer.

But you can call me Dottie.

And I should call you... When something important happens.

Now, Dottie, I need you to call research and get me any proposed legislation on

insurance reform in the last six months. Absolutely.

Let me just get my pants nice and wet.

I don't understand. Usually, he only barks his way around skunks.

No, no, don't worry, Daddy. He didn't even break the skin.

So, anyway, Murph, guess what just arrived.

Yes, fresh from the Orient, a Chinese spice so hot that when we add it to the

salsa at the dinner at the press club tomorrow night, Andy Rooney's tongue is

going to swell up to three times its normal size.

And believe me, that is a whole lot of tongue, my friend.

It's going to be fun.

Brian drank the dinner.

I can't believe it. You forgot.

Frank, I did not forget. I'm insulted that you would even think that.

It's just that... I'm a mother now, and I don't feel right about doing mean

things to people anymore.

Yeah, I know I can do better than that.

Did you forget, Murph? We go to this dinner together every year. It's a

tradition. I know, but I told Eldon he could drive up to Philadelphia to see

Impressionist exhibit.

I'm spending the day with Avery. Well, can't you find a sitter?

Frank, you don't just find a sitter. There was that 14 -year -old across the

street, but ever since the Zoe Baird thing, she's been demanding I pay her

social securities and withholding taxes.

So what am I supposed to do?

Go alone? Oh, that's going to be fun. The only single in a room full of

Thanks a lot.

What are you getting so upset for? So I can't come this one time. Well, it's not

just this one time. It was the car show last month, the bullets game two weeks

ago. Frank, my kid had a rash. What was I supposed to do?

You know, you're just going to have to understand. I'm a parent now. Stuff

up. Well, I know that, but I was here first.

had a deal. We were always going to be there for each other. We were going to

grow old together.

Frank, we are old together.

Will you cut me some slack? I'm behind in my work. I'm overloaded at home. I

don't need you dumping on me just because you have problems going places

Hey, I have no problem going places alone. In fact, I have gone more places

alone than you have ever gone with someone in your entire life.

And I can go to the dinner alone.

Fine, then go and leave me alone.

I will.

I'm looking for Dino and the gold diggers.

Hey.

Frank, what are you doing here?

Oh, no.

Something awful's happened, hasn't it?

Oh, God, no. Jim died.

I can't believe it. I always thought Miles would be the first to go.

Relax. Nothing's wrong. I was driving home from this press club dinner. I

thought to myself, you know what?

I'm going to go stop by Corky's. I've never done that before.

It'll be fun. So I grabbed a pie. Some brews and came by so we can hang.

It's 11 .30 at night, Frank.

You came by to hang?

Come on. Who goes to bed at this hour on Saturday night?

I do. I have to get up early and hang at church.

Good night, Frank.

Oh, Corky, please. Listen, I really... I need someone to talk to, and my

therapist slapped a gag order on me from 11 p .m. to 7 a .m.

Corky, listen.

The real reason I'm here is...

It's because Miles has Audrey, Jim has Doris, Murphy has the baby, and, well,

now that you and Will have split, you're the only one of my friends who's alone.

Like me.

Okay.

But put one of those Cathy coasters under your beer.

I'll get you a plate.

So, I'm at this dinner, right?

Everywhere I look, I'm telling you.

There's husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends.

There's couples, couples everywhere.

What's the television doing on? What are you watching?

ESPN, Brazilian Volleyball.

Frank, do you want to talk or do you want to watch sports?

I can do both.

Well, all right, just leave the picture. Just mute it.

Now go ahead. You were saying there were couples everywhere.

Well, yeah.

I'm the only one there by myself.

Really, it felt kind of weird. Do you want a slice?

I'm not eating. I'm just picking.

And then, as I am leaving, Morley Safer introduces me to his wife as a bachelor.

A bachelor!

I am not a bachelor. A bachelor is someone with a cocktail shaker and a

skin rug.

Look, maybe I'm not married yet, but I never thought of myself as a bachelor.

Frank, you're 44 years old.

Live alone.

in an apartment with no furniture, no plants, and the closest you've ever come

to a commitment is the time you bought that cardboard cutout of a dog.

And you left that out on the terrace until it rained and the face peeled off.

Oh, God.

How did I get here?

I tell you, I always saw myself married to a nice girl with lots of kids running

around. Okay.

Maybe I am 44 years old, but I just don't feel ready yet.

No one's ever ready.

Sometimes you just have to take the leap of trust.

Doesn't mean it's always going to work out, like with Will and me.

But at least I took the leap, and I'm a better person for it.

So, you can either follow my example, or you can just say, Hey, world, I'm Frank

Fontana, and I'm happy with my life.

And if I die old and alone, surrounded by nothing but faceless cardboard pets,

that's okay by me.

Oh, God.

You know, it's kind of fun helping you straighten out your life.

Now, let's talk about the ten extra pounds you can't seem to lose.

I haven't heard from him the entire weekend.

That's not like Frank. I mean, this is the guy who once called me from Las

to tell me he found a dollar in the parking lot of the MGM Grand.

Don't you think that's strange, Miles?

Murphy, leave Miles alone.

Frank's fine.

He was a little upset because he had to go to the dinner alone, but afterwards

he came by my apartment to hang, and we had a wonderful talk.

Wait a minute. You hung with Frank? He always hangs with me.

He was trying to figure out what was wrong with his life, so I told him. Oh,

God, no.

What's the matter? Corky told Frank what was wrong with his life.

Dear Lord, what were you thinking?

What was that?

All I told him was that the only way he could change what he didn't like about

himself was to take a good, long, realistic look at his life. Good grief.

We were talking about Frank Fontana. He can't handle realism.

The man's life is built on denial.

He's still expecting to be drafted by the Mets.

Hey, guys.

Am I nuts?

Or is there just a hint of spring in the air today?

Get them in.

Merck, before you say anything, I just want to apologize for what happened on

Friday. It was all my fault. My issues. But I had a great talk with Corky, and

she helped me see things a lot more clearly.

I did?

Corky, after I left your house the other night, I was thinking to myself, yes, I

could do the typical Frank thing and go into a big depression.

Or I could follow your advice and take that leap, maybe find the life that I

want. So here goes.

Guys, I would like to invite you all to my apartment this Sunday for brunch.

Sure.

And afterwards, we'll all take a magical carpet ride to a land where pixies and

fairies will dip us in chocolate and put tiny hats on our heads.

Guys, what is so weird about this? I've been to all your houses for brunch.

Yes, but Frank, the difference is those are our houses.

We have brunch -type things there.

Things like food.

Things to eat the food with.

Listen, Frank, we appreciate what you're trying to do, but maybe you could take

us all out to brunch. You know, somewhere nice where we don't have to

the floor and eat out of cans.

Guys, I know I don't usually do any entertaining, but you've got to stop

me into the same old patterns. Now, I want you all to be at my house this

for brunch and spend a little time with the new Frank Fontana.

I hear movement, but no talking.

Looks like we're the first ones here.

I guess we should go in.

Ring the bell.

You ring it.

Don't be such a baby, Miles. Ring the bell.

What if no one else comes and it's just you, me, Frank, and a bucket of

microwave pigs in a blanket?

Maybe we better wait to make sure everyone else is showing up.

For the last time, I thought... the parking space, so I took it. How was I

supposed to know you were going to park there as well?

Your first clue would have been my flashing turn signal and backup lights,

followed almost immediately by clue number two, my leaning out of the car

yelling, that's my space, Murphy.

You know, Jim, I am shocked at this lack of common courtesy.

I have a baby now, you know. I have to lug around an enormous amount of stuff.

You didn't bring the baby.

You're developing a real mean streak, Jim. I'd work on it.

So, are you two cowards waiting out here because you're afraid to go in?

We stay one hour, then we stagger our excuses.

Jim, you've got a christening. Miles, tax problems.

Corky, aerobics. Me, baby. Got it? Yeah, fine.

Hey, come on in.

We are so glad you could make it. I'm sorry about the heat in here. Frankie's

the kitchen with the stove going full blast, but I opened the terrace door so

should be okay. Come on, don't just sit there.

Come on, let me take your coats. Corky, what a gorgeous outfit. That color is

great on you. Jim, Miles, where's Doris and Audrey?

christening problems oh bad oh well no problem more food for us am i right

don't tell me you left your little angel at home frankie showed me his picture

oh my god he's so big god bless him

I'll be right out. I'm just adding the garlic. Crucial moment.

Just like my father. Italian men and their sauce. Am I right?

Who the hell was that?

Never mind her. Who was the man in the kitchen?

Well, whoever she is, she knows who we are. Frank must have introduced us

before. Now, where do we meet her? Everyone, hurry. Think.

Oh, God. Look how it's here. Frank has a plant.

Forget the plant.

Look at this.

Furniture.

Where did it all come from?

It's like we stumbled into a parallel universe where Frank is happy and well

-adjusted.

So, what can I get you all to drink?

You mean we're still sober?

There you go. A little bruschetta, but I don't want you to eat too much. I have

got a big meal coming out any minute. A little antipasto, linguine, some

meatballs. I'm Jim Dial. I don't believe we've met.

Where'd you get the furniture?

And everything.

Catalogs. I tell you something, Miles. It is amazing what you can get just by

picking up the phone and dialing 1 -800 -COUCH, 1 -800 -LAMP, 1 -800 -PLATE.

Frank, this is delicious.

Well, don't tell me you tell Juliana. She made everything. The only thing I am

cooking is my famous marinara sauce.

So, you all met Juliana?

Well, of course we have. Many times.

Where exactly was it we first met, Juliana?

at the door just now.

You're confused. It's all right. Frankie told me so much about you. I feel like

I know you all.

Actually, Corky, Juliana and I met this week, but I tell you, it feels like

we've known each other for a while.

That's amazing. I was just going to say that.

It's funny. I was going to say something, too, Frank. What the hell is

What's going on? All right, all right. For the first time in my life, I'm

fact. I realize if I want to...

Get serious and settle down. I've got to face things differently. So I went to

this video dating service, and I'm looking at some tapes.

And there she was, Giuliana Frattazzoni. I come across very well on VHS. I

always have. I don't know why.

And she's saying how she is tired of playing the field. And she wants a life

based on the tradition she grew up with. And I am thinking, that's me.

I'm her.

And I tell you, we fit. She's just like the girls from the old neighborhood.

Except I haven't done time.

Anyway. We have been together every day this week, and I tell you, if things

keep going this well, next time you come to brunch, who knows?

You might just be visiting Mr.

and Mrs.

Frank Fontana.

I'm okay.

I didn't choke because of what you said. I just forgot to chew and breathe.

Chew and breathe.

I missed one bullets game and a press club dinner. Don't you think you're

overreacting a little bit? Murph, Murph, it had nothing to do with you. It's

about me and Juliana.

I know it's sudden, but I tell you, it feels really right to us. It does.

Well, this is all so... Insane?

That's not what I was going to say.

See? Delusional?

We know, we know. It does seem a little strange, but we are really committed to

this. So much so that we have decided not to have sex until after we're

This one definitely has Heimlich potential.

Maybe I ought to get us all some drinks and let you get used to the idea. I'll

give you a hand, Juliana.

Honestly, Frank, when I told you to make a change in your life, the most I

thought you'd do was go out and buy yourself a new pair of pants.

There you go, Frank. A simple misunderstanding.

She meant pants. You heard marriage.

You go get yourself a nice pair of khakis. That'll put the spring back in

step. No.

Her? You're telling me to slow down.

I am 44 years old. I don't have time to slow down. I'm leaping. I am leaping

into my life.

Who are you? One of the Flying Fontana Brothers? You don't leap into life,

right? You wade in carefully so you don't hit your head. Murph, I know what

doing here. I just feel so... God, how can I describe it?

Mad as a hatter? Nutty as a fruitcake? Cuckoo as a clock?

The room in this catalog.

Page 124.

It's exactly the room we're sitting in.

Furniture, paintings, everything.

I'm scared. We should leave this place.

Hey, everyone.

Look at the pretty glasses Frank got from 1 -800 -GOBLIN.

Frank, I think you better come out here and take a look at the stars.

Thanks, Juliana. In a minute. What?

Murph, you don't like her? She's not great? What? I don't know her. I just

her. Give me ten minutes. Maybe I'll want to marry her, too.

Frankie, it looks like the sauce may be going to burn. Oh, it's fine. I'll be

right out to check on it.

What's so important I can't wait two minutes? I'm telling you, the sauce is

going to burn. Can't you see I'm having an important discussion with Murphy

here? The sauce will wait.

Frank, all I'm saying is this is not how you settle down and make a life with

someone. Oh, yeah? And since when did you become such an expert on this topic?

It's not just me.

Tell him, Jim, this whole thing is so... Committed?

Psychotic? Gaga?

Francis, we have a room full of company waiting to eat that sauce. I'm sure

Murph won't mind waiting.

Can't you see I am having an important discussion with my best friend here? If

you care so much about the sauce, why don't you go out and check on it? It is

not my sauce. It's your sauce. And don't use that tone with me. I'm not your

maid. Who said anything about a maid? I'm asking for one minute here. One

to talk to people. But no, you're in my face with the sauce. The sauce. I don't

care about the sauce. You don't care about the sauce. I don't care about the

sauce.

I don't believe you people.

She's the best thing that...

is not burnt. The sauce is perfectly fine.

It is perfectly crap.

Now what am I supposed to do with it? Look, I don't care what you're doing.

What could you be doing in there all that time? I don't know. Looking for the

gun taped to the toilet tank?

You know, Frank, I've got to hand it to you. This was absolutely my worst brunch

experience ever.

And that includes the time LBJ sneezed that piece of sausage link out his nose.

You're right, Murph. It was horrible.

How can I get myself involved in such a sick relationship?

I've got to break it off.

Either that or bolt down your cookware.

And stay here while I talk to her. I'm afraid to be alone with her.

Frank, no, it's too weird. Murph, please, I'm begging you.

All right, I'll stay.

Hi. Whoops, gotta go.

You know, the automobile club, if you're not there the minute they come, bang,

they're gone. You're forgetting your coat.

Mail it to me.

Oh, and if you two crazy kids are thinking of throwing anything else out

window, warn me first.

Everyone's gone, huh?

All this food's going to go to waste.

What a sin. No one ate anything.

Well, it's kind of hard without any sauce.

There might have been if you hadn't let it burn. Oh, look, don't start about the

sausage.

Oh, man.

Here we go again.

All of a sudden, every time we talk about food, we turn into my parents.

It must be a genetic thing.

One minute you were frank, and then the next minute, you were every one of my

uncles telling every one of my aunts to go back into the kitchen and be quiet. I

went nuts.

I... Now I know.

I spent my whole life avoiding Italian men.

That and those undershirts without the arms.

So, I guess maybe we're going to clear the table. Right, right. Good idea.

It's okay.

Let's just forget it now. We don't have to clear now. I can't believe I did

this. What's wrong with me? Why am I so afraid to be alone? I could convince...

myself that I can make a life for someone in a week. I mean, it's so

It's not pathetic. Oh, please. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.

How are you pathetic? Tell me. Oh, I'm in my late 30s. I'm alone.

Everyone I know is married. Tell me that's not pathetic.

You want to hear pathetic? I'm in my 40s. That's pathetic. Please, Frank, I'm

much more pathetic than you are. Oh, yeah?

I just bought $8 ,000 worth of furniture sight unseen over the phone.

Juliana. Listen to me. Come here. Put the breadstick down.

You are sweet.

You're funny, attractive.

You've got lots of friends, people who love you. Why do you have to have what

everyone else has?

You've got to spend more time looking at what you've got rather than what you

don't have.

When I look at you, I see something.

So do I.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

You know, Frankie, maybe we need a little more time alone.

Getting to like ourselves better.

Maybe we could try this again. Yeah, maybe you're right. You know, if we're

acting like this now, by spring, one of us will be chopped up and hidden in a

freezer.

Yeah, like I want to go through that again.

I'll walk you to the door.

You don't want me to help you with the dishes?

Well, you know, they're really not that dirty.

Remember? There wasn't any sauce.

I'll see you.

That's enough!