Original subtitles

You tell them someday we'll be together, oh yeah,

oh yeah, you'll follow me.

Police are saying the pair survived the six -story fall only because Fontana was

able to distract Stebbins long enough for rescue workers to get an inflatable

mattress in place.

Stebbins, a vice president with Soloway Brothers Investment Firm, is now leading

federal investigators through that company's records in what is being

financial scandal of the decade.

This is so exciting!

You've been on the front page of every paper in the country.

very exciting so is everybody ready to order you know it's pretty amazing you

start out doing what you think is just another story before you know it it

explodes into the biggest thing you've ever done i'm telling you the last three

days i've been on larry king i've been on larry king meet the press not to

mention nightlife done it three times been to ted's house twice well i think

someone at this table is having a nice big plate of sour grapes for lunch

who it could be. Okay, please. I'm sure Murphy's as excited for Frank as the

rest of us are. Isn't that right, Slugger? Oh, you bet.

After all, I gave Frank this story. Yep.

It was originally my story, but I passed it on to him. He did the work. He

deserves the glory. This business is horribly unfair. Can we order?

Hey there, everybody.

What can I get you?

Burger, fries, club soda, and it was originally my story.

As usual.

Who's next?

Frank, you're not going to believe this.

What are you doing this Thursday night? Don't even tell me, because you're not

doing it.

I just got the call.

They want you to be on Late Night with David Letterman. What? Oh, my God.

Isn't that the fellow who was on past midnight?

Come on. Are you kidding? You've got to be kidding. You're kidding, right? Not

kidding. Not kidding. They heard about your story. They love the part about

falling off the building. Oh, God. I just realized I left Al Gore on hold to

take the call from Letterman's people.

I better get back there.

Wait a minute. What am I worried about? He's the vice president now. What else

does he have to do?

Congratulations,

Frank. You know, I've always thought that I'd be a natural for Letterman. He

said, Julia Childs on Paul Prudhomme. I got stories you could kick their butts.

Remember that time that the pickled egg got away from me and landed down Jean

Kirkpatrick's blouse?

Thank you for that one.

And listen, maybe you could talk me up with Letterman a little bit. I don't

know, Phil. You know, I'm just going on as it gets. It might not be the right

thing to do.

Oh, sure.

Sure, I understand.

You have a great time on the show. I'll be here, changing the fat in the deep

fryer.

Oh, yeah.

You color me contented.

Oh, Murphy, do you know what I just realized?

No, no, no, no. If you had only kept the Soloway brothers' story, you'd be the

one going on Letterman.

Piling up around me now.

Murph. No, no, no. Frank, listen. I wish you the best of luck.

Letterman's a mercurial guy.

Always in a good mood the night you're on.

I'll never forget that night he tore into Jessica Tandy.

I'll always remember her cowering in her chair, calling out Hume's name over and

over again.

All right, Murph, let's clear the air here. Yes?

You gave me the story, but I was the one who ran with it. I mean, you might have

approached it from an entirely different angle. You might not have even been

there when the guy went out on the ledge. And even if you were, I really

you would have gone out there after him. Well, that's where you're wrong, Frank.

That's exactly what I would have done. And I'll tell you something else. On

six -story drop, I would have gotten a quote.

Unlike you, who the crew heard screaming, Mommy, the entire way down.

I'm going on Letterman. You've never been on Letterman. I'm going on

I'm going on Letterman.

Hi, I was in the neighborhood.

Hi, come on in.

Okay, okay, okay, I'll go first.

Thank you for the story, I really appreciate it, and I'm sorry for being a

No, Frank, what happened today was all my fault.

I don't know what my problem was.

I heard the stuff coming out of my mouth and I couldn't stop myself.

It's like somebody else got a few minutes in the spotlight and I flipped

don't want you to flip out. I want you to be happy for me. You're right, Frank.

You're my buddy. I should be happy for you.

And I'm going to start right now.

Okay, I'm happy now.

I'm very happy for you.

I'm feeling kind of a warm glow.

Oh, that's the heating vent.

I don't want you to pull a muscle or anything, Murph. Take your time. No, no,

no. I can get this.

I know.

The night you're on Letterman, I'll have a party. The whole gang can come over

and watch. Murph, I have a better idea.

The show sent me two plane tickets. Why don't you come with me to New York? Be

at the taping. No, Frank, it's your night. You don't want me tagging along.

Look, I wouldn't even be doing this if it wasn't for you. But I'll tell you the

truth. I'm a little nervous. You know, you've done this talk show thing a lot

more than I have. You can give me some pointers.

Okay, I'll come along. But you're going to do great.

Well, I guess. You know, Letterman's not that bad. I mean...

That thing you said about him and Jessica Tandy, you were kidding, right?

So what are you going to wear on the show?

Oh, God.

And this is our green room, Mr.

Fontana. You can relax in here before you go on.

You know, Caroline, it's a funny thing. I've never been a guest on this show. I

don't know, it just strikes me as kind of odd.

Does it seem kind of odd to you?

I work in television, Miss Brown. I don't consider myself a good judge of

Nice answer. Now, let me introduce you to some of our guests. This is John

Rennie. He's an exciting young comedian, and it's his first time on the show.

Hi, Frank Fontana.

So, your first time or two, huh? Yeah.

A little nervous, but I'll be okay.

Seeing how many new parts of my body I can sweat out of.

I'm not blaming you for being nervous. I'll never forget the first time I was

national television.

All I could think about were those millions and millions of people out

watching me.

My head was going to explode.

It was like someone was sticking pins into my head right over here.

have Mrs. Kovalev. She has trained birds.

Oh, no kidding. You got birds in there? Let's see. Oh, please.

My babies must have calm and quiet before this show.

Oh, okay.

Five minutes to curtain, Polly.

Why don't we step this way and let the birds rest?

Fontana, the basic rundown. You're going to be our second guest tonight, then

Mrs. Kobolakis and the birds, and we'll wrap up the show with John.

If I get bummed, it's okay. I can come back another time.

Put your head between your legs, John. You'll be fine.

Two cards for Mr. Fontana. Why don't we run through what you're going to be

talking to Dave about?

Of course, we'll start with your big story. It was my story, but I gave it to

him. We worked it out. It's no problem.

Great. Big story, he's parachuting into the Bolivian jungle story, and then the

story where you were smitten.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I just tell it?

You know, I don't think you want to tell the parachute story, Frank. Everyone

knows where it's going after the first sentence.

Oh, God, not the Heather Locklear story.

Oh, boy, we're dragging out all the old chestnuts tonight.

Actually, Miss Brown, you're not supposed to touch the cards. Sorry.

I don't know if we'll be able to fit it in, but I brought my saxophone.

Looks like it worked for Bill Clinton, right?

Dave doesn't want to have any musical instruments on the show this month, but

it's great that you play.

Now, is there anything else that you need to know?

Well, not that I'm worried, but...

How's Dave feeling tonight?

Dave is in a great mood, and he's really looking forward to talking with you.

Oh, good. Listen, I wonder if I could say hello to him before the show. You

know, just touch base.

Actually, Dave doesn't like to talk to his guests before airtime. He feels it

hurts the spontaneity of the show. When I did the Tonight Show, Ed McMahon

stopped by my dressing room before the show to say hello.

Murph, it's okay.

Yeah, it's okay, but it's not Johnny.

Caroline? Hi, Terry. How are you? Oh, I'm fine.

You didn't plan for tonight something that I don't know about?

Because I was taking a shower in my dressing room.

This is weird, and I had the strangest feeling that somebody was watching me.

No, as far as I know, there's nothing planned.

Oh. So if somebody was watching me, it wasn't for the show.

Okay, well, it's a comfort.

It's Terry Garr.

You realize what this means? It's going to be a great show. It's always a great

show when Terry's on.

Hi. I'm Terry Garth. Frank Fontana. It's a real pleasure to meet you. Boy, I saw

you out on that ledge. What an incredible story. It was originally my

gave it to him. Good to see you, Murphy Brown.

Oh, nice to meet you, Murphy.

Boy, I can't believe you fell that far. You are really... You've got guts.

A few more feet to the right or left and we all would have seen them.

That's funny.

Anyway, Terry, I... I guess after tonight, we're both going to be

alumni, huh?

Looks that way.

But what were you feeling when that followed? You know, Jerry, I can't get

it, but I have never been a guest on this show.

Doesn't that seem a little odd to you?

Yeah, I wonder where that is.

Oh, I know.

Oh, no, I'm wrong.

Something else.

What? Oh, nothing. I just, um... I thought I remembered Dave saying

about you, but I think he must have been kidding.

You should be on this show.

fun.

Well, I'm sure it's fun, but it's no Tonight Show with Johnny, am I right?

Oh, I don't know. Ed McMahon kept asking me to be a judge on Star Search.

It got kind of uncomfortable, you know?

Hannah, let's get you into makeup.

You have got about ten minutes. Can I get you anything?

Do you have any bottled water? In the fridge under the table.

Nice guy.

Oh, he's great.

You know, I loved you in that movie you did with Al Pacino. What was that?

Al Pacino?

I didn't do anything. Oh, no, sorry.

My mistake, it wasn't you. It was Ellen Barkin.

Oh. Well, I could see where you would, um... Ellen and I both are blondes.

It's a common mistake.

She's very good.

Boy, where did I hear your name recently? It'll drive me crazy if I

remember. Maybe it was Ellen Barkin's name.

Oh, I know. It was one of the guys on our crew.

That's right. It was one of our grips.

He did the last movie. Did it with something in Portugal?

Grip?

Really? What was his name?

Brian.

Sanders. Brian Sanders.

Uh -huh.

Boy, he is always talking about that job in Portugal.

Word on the stage has it that he got involved in some steamy thing with one

the actresses on the project.

Then when they wrapped up filming, he told me he had to go back to his wife.

The actress flipped out.

Seems like the jerk didn't tell her he was married. It's typical, huh?

You know, sometimes when an actress is on location, away from home, vulnerable,

and someone offers her a little kindness, you know, maybe offers to

clogged sink in her trailer or something, she thinks that it means the

her.

idea. I'm so sorry. And then there's the time difference. You know, for the

first couple of days, you don't even know where you are.

Have you ever had Portuguese wine?

It's very strong.

Okay, Terry, let's get you backstage and in place.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Allergies?

It's probably the birds.

You might want to tell Frau Bucher it's time to change the table.

Come on, Terry.

Hey, Terry, have a good one.

And when they brought Pinky out, and this is the funny part, I had asked for

clear nail polish.

And, oh, God, this is a stupid story.

I'm thinking, I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do it. I just can't be all cute and

or whatever. I just can't.

Do you mind if I just sit here?

Talk about your lead balloon.

Way to go, Jerry.

Way to get the show off on the right foot.

All I have to do is get past the first joke.

Just get through the first joke, and it's smooth sailing.

Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you run that first joke by me? I'm a great

audience. You could give a little practice.

No, I don't think so.

No, no, no, really. I am an easy laugh.

Go on.

Well, okay. I come out, and then after the applause, I say, uh...

Well, looks like the Prince Charles -Princess Di breakup is being handled

much like any other couples.

She's being awarded child custody, and the prince is being given monthly moat

privileges.

Really? That's really funny. Oh, thank you very much. It's even funnier than

when Leno told it the other night.

What? He, um, he did my joke?

Well, it wasn't exactly your joke, but it was something about Prince Charles

-Princess Diane.

the breakup custody, the moat. But it wasn't exactly the same.

Are you kidding?

That's my big joke.

Leonard did my joke.

I'm sure it wasn't the same joke. It was probably nothing like it. Right, Murph?

No, it was pretty close.

Leonard did my joke.

I can't go on national television and tell a moat joke Leonard told.

People think I stole it. Oh, my God.

I used the word moat.

when these two rabbis walk... All right, everybody, slight change of plans. The

audience seems to need a jump start. So, Mr. Fontana, we're going to push you

back into the third spot, and, John, you'll be going out next. Oh, my God!

Are you sure I shouldn't get out there first? This will be better. We ship

things around all the time. John, why don't you come with me?

I'm dead.

I'm a dead man.

Oh, you'll be fine. You've got that great moat joke.

Come on, after that, everything's gravy.

This kid, he's gonna kill.

He's not doing too well, is he?

Well, it's not that bad. Turn up the sound. It is up.

Wow.

How am I supposed to follow that?

Nice going, Murph. You just ruined that kid's debut. I hope you know that. Me?

What did I do? I just tried to help him avoid a pitfall.

Besides, these young performers work best under pressure.

Should he be doubled over like that?

Okay, everyone, another change of plans. We don't seem to be having a lot of

luck with our human guests. So, Mrs. Kobolak, if you and the birds are going

next... Excuse me, the birds are next? Don't worry. Once everything is back on

an even keel, you'll be out next.

I'll send the stagehands in to get the cages.

Murph, stay away from the birds.

I'm not taking any chances. A few minutes near you, they'll fly out into

studio and peck out Paul Schaefer's eyes.

Why, I'll sit here and say a word.

Tell me, when these birds get too old to perform, will you eat them?

This is a nightmare.

I am supposed to be out there right now. You hear those laughs? Those are my

laughs.

Excuse me.

How was I supposed to know comedians need to be handled with kid gloves?

How was I supposed to know Terry Garr had a problem with one of our grips?

What?

What did you say to her?

You're the one who sent Terry into the dumper?

What is the matter with you? What is your problem?

Okay, you're getting worked up now.

Come here. Come here. Take a look at this.

Oh.

Looks like Maria just had a little accident on the fire escape.

You know, you're right.

This isn't your fault. It's my fault. I should have listened to that little

voice in my head. When I asked you to come to New York, it said, don't do it,

Frankie. She'll screw it up for you, Frankie.

Did it ever occur to you that this might be important to me? That this might be

an opportunity for me to be funny and clever in front of an audience?

All I wanted was a little support. And look what happens.

On the closing act...

of cockatiel and stiletto pumps.

Well, go ahead. Make a joke. Come up with some excuse like you always do.

I can't.

Because you're right.

You know, I have a little voice inside me, too.

And where there's a spotlight, it starts telling me to get in it.

I swear to you, Frank, I don't do it on purpose.

I wish I could tell you that it'll never happen again.

But I don't want to lie to you.

If I could change this, I think I would have done it by now. So what am I

supposed to do?

Forgive me.

Because I'm not perfect.

Because I'm your best friend.

Because I'm the only person you know who will go to your ex -girlfriend's

weddings with you and tell them you're the greatest lover I've ever had.

It is not going to work this time, Murphy. This time, I've had it with you.

Geez, Frank, you don't really mean that, do you?

Yes, I do.

For at least the next hour.

Mr. Fontana, I am so sorry, but Dave loved the West Side Story bit so much,

letting the birds do les mis.

I'm afraid we're not going to have time for you tonight.

Oh, man.

Hold it just one minute. No, no, no, I want to say something.

Maybe you aren't aware of this, but Mr. Fontana is a very well -respected

newsman who is charming and funny and not afraid to leap off a building. You

not bump a man like this off the show. Now, what are we going to do about it?

Well, we might have enough time for Mr. Fontana to go out and wave to the crowd.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

Frank Fontana does not wave.

You do not throw this man a bone.

He is a man of respect, a man of integrity.

He is not about to be humiliated like that. I want to wave.

Frank, it's a wave. It's nothing.

I don't care. My parents are going to be watching the show tonight. It's the

first time they've stayed up past ten since Hollywood Palace went off the air.

We're running out of time, Mr.

Fontana. What would you like to do?

You're right, Murph. A wave is humiliating.

I am better than that.

You're absolutely right.

Frank Fontana does not wave.

I'm sorry.

Thanks. We'll have him back real soon.

Thank you very much. My apologies.

Good night, America.

I can't believe I waved.

What's wrong with me?

Oh, come on, Frank. It's not that bad.

Some people, a wave on Letterman is a very big deal.

Oh, I guess so.

You've never done it.

Don't push it, okay?

So, how about I take you to dinner?

And if you want to work on that wave some more, I'll let you hail a cab.

Hey, I know you.

You're that woman.

Yeah, you're, uh... Me?

Yeah. I'm Frank Fontana's friend.

Yeah, that's it.

Who the hell is Frank Fontana?

People say Murphy Brown captured the 90s zeitgeist. What does that mean to you?

That means a lot. Look, we tapped into... No, no, I'm sorry. The word

Do you have any idea what it means?

Oh, no, no, no, no.