Original subtitles

And I felt so hot

What took you so long? I was supposed to be out of here ten minutes ago.

Oh, I see. You stopped off at Bethesda General to perform an appendectomy.

The pain in his vest is just a precaution.

I seem to have awakened with a slight case of congestion.

I didn't want to put Avery's vulnerable young membranes at risk.

However, if you wouldn't mind moving him away from me a little bit, I believe

this fabric is cutting off my oxygen supply.

Well, if you were sick, why didn't you just take the day off?

Excuse me.

A Bernanke does not just take the day off.

I made a pledge to look after young Avery, and I intend to carry out that

obligation. I'm here.

I'm ready.

I'm just slightly over -medicated.

Great. What exactly does that mean?

Well, you see, normally I would have gone with the traditional Bernanke home

cold remedy, but unfortunately it's impossible to find the bark of a juniper

tree and two virgins in this town.

So I stopped at the drugstore and got a bottle of that green stuff that's not

supposed to make you drowsy.

How much did you take?

I told you, a bottle.

I also got some vapor rub, which, by the way, if you ever have the chance to use

it, do not make the mistake of taking it internally.

You ate it?

Alan, you're supposed to rub it on your chest.

Believe me, that became painfully evident after the first oomph.

The man who's supposed to be taking care of my son is now reliving a Grateful

Dead concert.

People, can we have some quiet?

We're in the middle of a run -through here. I'm sorry I'm late, but Eldon's

sick, so I've got Avery for the day.

People act like such idiots.

Do you have any idea what you must look like to him?

No, and to be perfectly honest, we don't care.

All right, people, fun is fun, but we've got work to do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Murphy, we're not ready for you yet, so why don't you and

Avery just relax?

You're not getting your gums on this little dude.

Don't worry, Avery.

Sooner or later, he'll drop his guard, and then it's lunchtime at the Brooks

Brothers Cafe.

Come on, Mommy's going to show you where she made Casper Weinberger cry.

Okay, so...

segment. We move on to Corkster's piece on... Well, you know.

And then we're gonna... It's all right to say it, Miles.

Divorce in the 90s. Will and I are just separated.

It doesn't mean our marriage is over.

You can separate an egg and it's still an egg.

True, the shell may be cracked, but as long as the yolk and the white haven't

been scrambled, there's still the possibility everything will turn out

-side up.

Hey, you know, I never really looked at it that way before, but I see your

point.

Be prepared to cut the commercial if she goes wacko.

That's everything at the anchor desk. Now let's talk about Murphy's interview

with Senator Matheson. Okay, Miles, here's the plan. Now, first, I'm going

lob him a few softballs just to get him relaxed, and then I'm going to hit him

with the hard stuff. Be ready to come in for a tight close -up when I do,

bearing in mind that the senator's going to be a little taller.

Senator, thank you for joining us. How have you been?

Good. That's very good.

Senator, how is Congress getting along with the new president, huh?

Oh, very interesting.

Senator, would you mind explaining this photo of you accepting a piece full of

cash from mob boss Joey Gamble?

Not talking up. Or this photo of you playing scrub -a -dub with an unknown

companion, eh?

I'm telling you, Miles, when I finish with Matheson, he's going to have less

say than Avery and be twice as wet.

A U .S. Senator in bed with the mob. This is big. This is 35 share big.

Great work, Murphy. And to show you how pleased I am, here you go, Avery.

Chow down.

Now, for the rest of you, after the broadcast, I'm buying at Phil's tonight.

Oh, no.

Thank you. It's the first time in months he's buying. I'm not going to be here.

Why not?

It's my father's 70th birthday. Remember, I'm leaving on a plane to

right after the show.

What? Oh, no. Oh, jeez.

What? What's the matter?

I'm not going to tell her. You tell her.

Tell me what? What?

God, Avery, you are so cute.

There's nothing like the feeling of having a baby in your arms, especially

you have to tell his mother that the senator she was going to nail on

television just got arrested by federal marshals.

What? He can't confess?

Don't forget Murphy, I'm holding the baby.

Hi, honey.

I've been working for months on this story, checking out leads, cultivating

sources. I even had dinner with a guy named Joey. Raise your face for God's

sake. Give me the baby, John. Catch your breath.

So we lost our live interview.

We'll just have to rerun one of your old pieces and hope the sponsors don't

scream too loudly. No way. I'm not going to be the only one without an original

story tonight. I'll get another interview.

Where? We go on the air in a few hours.

Miles, this is Washington, a city full of politicians so desperate to be on

television they fight each other to stand in front of the camcorder at

Come here, Avery.

Frank, I've got to go out for a while. Would you look after Avery? Sure, sure.

No problem. Hey, Avery, you want to spend some time with Uncle Frank? And,

Frank, I don't want you using him to pick up girls at Phil's again.

Mom, I...

Please, I can pick a cab.

Not a problem.

No. I don't want you to pick me up at the airport.

The flight doesn't get in until after midnight.

No, I don't want you to drive to the airport in your pajamas.

Yeah, you said you wouldn't get out of the car last time. Then I find you

chasing Robert Goulet around the baggage carousel trying to get his autograph.

Of course he wouldn't give it to you, Dad. He probably thought you were an

outpatient.

What? No, no, really.

You don't have to put Mom on the phone. It's too hard to talk to you both at the

same time. Hi, Mom.

No, I didn't say I didn't want to talk to you. I just... I'm not yelling at

Dad.

Look, let's not fight, okay?

It's your birthday tomorrow. You know, I got you a great gift.

Really? You bought yourself a present? Well, good for you. What'd you get?

A new golf bag.

Dad, how could you get yourself a new golf bag the day before your birthday?

it ever...

and I just... I'm not yelling at him, Mom. I just... Dad, listen.

I can't hear you when you both talk at the same time.

Hey! Hey!

Look, I'll just see you tonight, okay?

Oh!

Avery!

Oh, boy, baby Avery.

What are we going to do, pal?

Let's see what we've got here.

of some kind. Boring.

Rainbow trout.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

Let's go fishing, pal.

I think it's a rope of the tree.

No. Come here, partner.

I'll be biting over there.

I'll have you know I caught me a 15 -pounder yesterday.

Right over here by Lake's stupid golf bag.

wanted to go fishing with my dad but you're at the restaurant and everything

know you never had the time because he said after filet and fish all week last

thing he wanted to do on his day off was look for more yeah oh it's true oh oh

whoa we got a big one he's a fighter yes he is a fighter get the net get the net

the net yes now listen i gotta get

back to work so why don't you just

Don't you think I want to play? But, you know, I've got a job to do. Believe me,

someday when you are older, you'll understand.

Oh, man, does that sound familiar.

But it's not the same thing.

I'm under a lot more pressure than my dad was.

I work all day, lots of nights.

Okay, okay, so did he.

Plus, he had seven kids.

Wow.

Go ahead, say it. I've been a selfish pig.

Thanks a lot.

Dad, listen, I was thinking, you know, maybe this weekend you and I could get

together.

Frank.

Anyway, what if sometime this weekend we go down to the marina, we rent a boat,

maybe do a little fishing?

I just thought that since you sold the restaurant 20 years ago, maybe you were

over it.

Mom, could you get off the phone so I could talk to Dad?

No, it's not a... I just... I'm not yelling at her, Dad.

All right.

Look, we'll talk about it when you pick me up at the airport, okay?

And please do me a favor. Put a raincoat on over the pajamas.

Frank, I've told you not to call your parents from the office.

Now, I just heard from the network they're going to need some extra time

news break tonight, so you'll have to cut 20 seconds out of that sunken

piece. Okay. Okay, okay, but listen, Murphy's not back yet. Somebody's got to

watch Avery. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, absolutely not. I'm having lunch with

Audrey, so it's out of the question.

I just love babies.

But one really isn't enough, is it? I mean, I'd want lots and lots, wouldn't

you?

Me? Um, sure, sure.

Uh, keeping in mind that...

Lots is an indeterminate number, and that my lifestyle is such that children

would be a burden falling mostly on the woman in my life and would quickly grow

weary and haggard under the strain. Don't you pickle?

Well, I think someone's just about ready for his bottle.

Why don't you feed him the rest of these bananas, and I'll go warm it up.

Okey -dokey.

Something about this picture looks very right.

Being so cute.

Cry, whine, spit up on her.

I'll give you 20 bucks for just one good all over me.

It's too early for Audrey and me to be talking about babies.

See, we recently moved in together.

And the next logical step is marriage.

And then after that, you.

Apparently, according to Audrey, lots of yous.

Look, I'm just not ready for that kind of responsibility.

Look at this. I can't even get you to eat.

Here. Watch this.

Mmm, yum, yum, good.

Mmm.

Oh, you think that's pretty funny, don't you?

Okay, watch this, watch this, watch this.

Oh, wait

a minute, wait a minute. I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to make me think I'm good at this.

trying to soften me up. Well, it's not going to work, no siree.

Okay,

maybe it's going to work a little.

I suppose I could do this if I had to.

And you are pretty cute.

Yes, you are.

I lost the button.

Did you take my button, Avery?

Did you take Uncle Miles?

Open your mouth.

No, don't swallow, don't swallow. Oh, my God.

Here's your bottle, nice and warm.

Oh, did you lose a button, Pookie? You found it. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

Are you all right?

Audrey, we can't have babies now. Look, they're needy, they're helpless, and how

do you clip their toenails without taking off the whole toe?

No babies now. That's the end of discussion.

Who said anything about having babies?

My God, Miles, we just moved in together.

I'm going to go to my office and find my son being exposed to page 12 of the

Kama Sutra.

Did you find an interview for tonight?

No, I've been trying all day.

I even went to the Senate office building and tried knocking on doors. It

everyone's busy, out of town, or in rehab.

All right, that's it. We're going to have to go with a rerun. No, we don't. A

rerun is something you do when you're desperate, and I'm a long way from

desperate. So why don't you two take your live sex show to someone else's

and let me get some work done.

Leave the blenches.

Okay.

Here's the deal.

Just between us, Mommy is a little desperate.

So we'll just have to pull out all the stops, won't we? Mm -hmm.

Hi.

It's Murphy Brown.

I know.

I know. We haven't talked for a long time. But we've got an opening on FYI

tonight, and I thought it might be fun if we just... Hello?

Hello? Vice President Quayle?

makeup on that same area for about a half an hour.

Oh, God.

You can see it, can't you?

See what? I don't know what you're talking about.

Corky, I need you to do me a favor.

Jeez, what's that on your neck? Mount St. Helens?

I can't cover this with ordinary makeup.

I'm gonna have to go get the stuff they use on the Gabor's.

Corky, I'm going out for a while, so I need you to look after Avery. Is that

okay? Sure.

Murphy,

are you still looking for someone to interview?

You know, we go on the air in two hours.

Corky, don't worry. George Will is giving an anniversary party for the

Kissingers tonight. With the crowd that's going to be there, a chimpanzee

land a great interview. Isn't that right?

Gee, it must be wonderful to be invited to parties like that.

Mingling with people who've made history and... Oh, Murphy.

You weren't invited, were you? You're going to crash Henry Kissinger's

anniversary party.

Corky, will you relax? Henry will be thrilled to see me.

Especially when he sees that picture I dug up of him, Jill St. John, and Bebe

Rebozo playing Pass the Orange.

So, wish me luck.

Goodbye, Andy.

Hi,

Andy.

Oh, God.

You're looking at it, too.

It's awful, isn't it?

Gosh, I haven't had one of these since, well, since my wedding night.

like to do?

We could sing, or I could tell you a little story.

Would you like that?

All right.

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful young princess who became a

successful journalist and won the Humboldt Award three years ago, thanks

much.

Anyway...

And she thought because her life had always been such a fairy tale, they'd

happily ever after.

But they didn't.

They had problems.

They grew apart.

And finally, the prince moved to another kingdom with his own castle and a hot

tub and a view of the Hollywood sign.

The princess wished upon a star that a fairy godmother would come and help her.

But instead, she was visited by an attorney from Harrison O 'Brien and

with divorce papers.

She never told anyone she got the divorce papers.

Because she just knew if she said it out loud, her whole world would end.

Then one day, a magical bouncing elf tricked her into saying it out loud.

And the princess was surprised.

Her world didn't end.

And then she realized that even if her life wasn't going to

be happily ever after, maybe it was going to be okay.

And now for another story.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young princess who grew a second head

out of her neck.

Dee Dee!

Jim, Murphy's not back yet, so you have to watch Avery while I go to wardrobe.

Corky, please.

This is my personal time.

Everyone knows I sit here alone before each show and do the New York Times

crossword puzzle. Alone.

Everybody knows that.

But Jim, I... I can't take the baby to wardrobe. There are pins in there.

Well, I'm very sorry, Corky, but I'm afraid this is impossible.

Fine. You explain to Murphy why the next time she tries to give him a bottle,

all the milk comes squirting out of little holes in the bottle.

Well, all right.

Leave him.

But this is highly irregular.

See you later, Avery.

All right.

I suppose I'll have to let you in on a little secret.

I'm not really doing the crossroads. Also, see, I just wrote blorf, and it

even a word.

Well, like you, perhaps.

The point is, the puzzle is just a cover, so people will leave me alone.

You see, I have this little ritual that I do before each show.

I've been doing it ever since I started in this business as a way to relax me.

Not that I get nervous, you understand.

Certainly not.

It's just that I appear live in front of 20 million people each week.

20 million.

Have you any idea what a responsibility that is?

One wrong facial expression, and I could send a nation into an emotional

tailspin. Once, during a story on the economy, I banged my knee under the desk

and grimaced, slightly.

The next day, the stock market dropped 30 points.

Well, anyway, this ritual I do has become a tradition, and it's, well,

it's not something I've ever done in front of anyone.

It's getting late, so I guess I'll have to go ahead and do it with you watching.

There.

That stays between us.

Understand?

Two minutes to air, everybody.

She's not going to make it.

Why is she doing this to me?

Why didn't she just let me run an old interview?

Why didn't she just save us all some time and back her car right over me?

Hi, everybody.

Murphy, you're here. Great.

You're alone. Not great.

Relax, Miles. My interview will be right in. Who'd you get? Who, who?

Hello there, sweetie.

Did you get some good dirt on everybody?

We'll talk on the way home. Murphy, we are on the air in 60 seconds.

Just enough time for the blood clot that's been forming in my left ventricle

dislodge itself and travel to my brain where, if I am lucky, it will kill me

instantly. Now, where is this interview you're sticking me with?

Holy -ness.

Your holy -ness.

This is Miles Silverberg, our producer, and my son, Avery.

Coochie, coochie, coo.

Four. Three.

Two.

Good evening and welcome to another edition of FYI.

Jackie may seem desperate for a date, but that's just a facade because she's a

smooth operator who always goes after the man she wants no matter the risk.

tackled some naked guy and you fell down the steps with him?

Oh man, she's got game.

Stay tuned.