Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, may I have your attention please?

I hold in my hands the official invitation to this year's inaugural

It is a rare honor to which a select few are invited, and I, Murphy Brown, am

among them. Yes!

Now, I know many of you would like the opportunity to examine this more

so if you'll just step up one at a time.

You could have stopped me sooner.

Personally, I think Clinton's carrying this whole open government thing a bit

too far.

I'm just glad you got invited. I didn't want to go through the same kind of

scene we went through four years ago.

Hey, I was supposed to be invited in 88.

It was a clerical mistake.

Oh, some mistake.

Security had pictures of you up at every entrance.

And when the guard found out I worked with you, he made me open the trunk of

car.

Okay, okay, I admit I had a few problems with the Bush administration.

A few? The Secret Service Training Center had a tackling dummy made up to

like you.

Right, the man hated me. But that's over now, and this proves it. You know, I'm

surprised it's so formal. I mean, with the Clintons and everything, I thought

would be, I don't know, a little more down -home.

Why, Frank?

Because they're from the South?

Well, what did you think it was going to say?

Y 'all come down for some vittles by the cement pond?

Oh, Clarky, I just... Oh, be quiet, you ignorant Yankee.

Take it easy on him, Charlotte. He's taking me to the ball, and I don't want

bruised. Oh, uh... Murph, I've got a date.

Oh. Uta.

She works at the Belgian embassy. She speaks no English, knows nothing of

American customs. I'd say I could eat my baked potato with my hands. She

wouldn't blink an eye. It's going to be great.

You know, Frank, it's only a matter of time before you're dating a woman in a

coma.

Well, anyway, Murph, you know, since Porky's going with Miles, I guess that

leaves just you. Unless really it's a problem for you. Hey, why would it be a

problem for me? Well, you haven't had a...

You know, a date in a really long time.

Oh, right.

Not since I went to the prom with Nostradamus back in 1509.

Funny thing, he predicted we were in for bad times. I date plenty of men, Frank,

plenty. Morning, all.

Did everyone get their chain letter from Dan Rather? It's okay, Dan. Murphy's

been invited. Oh, thank heaven. But she doesn't have a date.

Frank, but it's not all her fault.

It's not easy being a woman like Murphy.

How many men do you know that are secure enough to ask out a woman who's famous,

successful... Intimidating, sometimes violent.

Plus the fact that since she had the baby, she frequently comes to work with

food in her hair.

I'm sorry, Slugger, but to some men, that's a turnoff.

Well, I guess that all depends on how hungry they are.

And anyway, who says I even want a date?

Dates are awkward and emotionally draining. And at my age, you don't

from a hippie the way you used to.

You know?

Maybe I'll go to the ball alone.

There's certain advantages to that. I can arrive late, leave when I want, and

best of all, I don't have to watch Tipper Gore dance the pony to Fleetwood

I love this idea.

Murphy! What a surprise!

Well, as long as you're here, why don't we join you?

I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine.

He enjoys snorkeling, cross -country skiing, and...

Why don't you give a big hello to Jeff Simon.

Hi, Murphy.

Hi, Jeff.

Murphy, you won't believe this, but Jeff is a journalist just like you. That's

right, he works for CBS News. Well, he can tell you.

I work for CBS News.

That's very interesting, Jeff, but actually this is a working lunch for me.

Murphy, you and Jeff have so much in common. For example, you did your award

-winning story on Russia after the fall of communism.

And Jeff, why don't you tell her about your Russian story?

Well, I recently did a history on all the celebrities that have eaten at New

York's famous Russian tea room. See the angle I took on it?

Oh, guys, hi.

Sit, sit.

Jeff Simon, CBS News.

Jeff and I just happened to bump into Murphy, and now they're getting to know

each other. But I'm almost done with my lunch, and then I'll be going.

Corky, could I talk to you over there?

I'm busy.

It'll just take a second. Come on.

What are you doing? I'm helping Murphy find a man.

And it's going very well, thank you. So why don't you just take Jim and go away?

Are you kidding? Do you think you're actually fooling anybody with that just

-happened -by act? You better go. Murphy's not going to tolerate such a

and obvious manipulation. Oh, hi, Miles.

Well, hey, look who's here, my good friend Bob Tembler.

I wasn't sure about this jacket.

Do you think it's all right? Oh, gee, Bob, why are you asking me?

Here's an idea. As long as you just happened by, why not join us for lunch?

Hey, everybody.

Look who just happened by. My good friend Bob Tambler. Bob, this is Murphy,

Brown, and Jim Corky and Stan.

Jeff, Simon, CBS News.

Bob's a doctor. Your nose and throat.

It is a pleasure to meet you, Murphy. I've been watching you for years, and I

must say, you have very well -defined nasal passages.

Oh, Bob, stop. My head is spinning.

You know, you shouldn't really eat that fast. You could get a piece of food

lodged in your trachea, cut off your oxygen, and run the risk of losing

consciousness. Really, Bob? How exactly would I go about doing that? May I speak

with you at the bar?

No, Jim. Excuse us.

Thank you, Jim. Thank you, thank you. I know this is extremely awkward for you,

and I'm sure you'll understand when I say, this is my friend, Bart

He's the golf club, my club.

Hi there, Murphy.

Bachelor number three.

What's that?

Oh, nothing.

Well, Bart, come on over and meet the gang.

Oh, hey, everybody. This is Jim's friend and golf pro, Bart Bartholomew. Let's

see, we've got Miles and Corky, Dr.

Bob and Jeff Simon. CBS News.

But I used to work in sports, and I never forget a face.

1983.

Didn't you come in 43rd in the U .S. Open? You betcha.

I tried golf a while back, and everything I hit went off to the right.

Well, Bob, if I had a dime for every beginner with a slice, I'll just bet

you're not rotating your wrist like, oh, excuse me, Murphy.

Like this.

Yeah, doesn't he want to flex his knees more, too, Barney? Yeah, I think so. Why

don't you flex your knees a little? They're just right there.

Well, Bart, looks like you got your work cut out.

for you, and since there seems to be a shortage of chairs, I'll just take this

rat to go.

Phil,

could you wrap this for me, please? Or throw it out into the street and I'll

chase after it.

I feel for you, Murphy, honey.

But you know, your friends are just trying to help you out.

Hey, Uncle Phil, I put on a tie.

Who do you want me to meet?

Hi, you're home. Oh, I wanted to meet my friend Michael. Oh, God, you two?

What is this, the emergency dating system?

Look, I'm sure you're very nice, but I'd just like you to get out of my house.

I'm not sure I understand.

Look, what am I, the queen bee? Just keep your stinger to yourself and get

hell out of here.

And you wonder why I rarely have friends over.

I don't know what that unholy outburst was about, but Michael just came over to

do a sketch of Avery. Oh, nice, Eldon. Drag the baby into your lie.

Would you like to see it?

All right. You really think I'm going to believe you did a sketch?

You really did a sketch.

Oh.

Um, well, I... Oh, gee, you left her speechless.

I always thought it would take a ball -peen hammer to the forehead.

You know, I like this.

I really like it.

I'm just curious.

Why were there wings sprouting out of Avery's back?

I was commissioned to do a mural involving cherubs. I needed a model.

A mural, really? For what? A church? A museum? No, actually, it's for a

restaurant. Lou's House of Heavenly Ribs.

Over on 8th Street.

Yeah, you'll be proud to know your son will float right over the rotisserie in

the main pit.

I told him that it would be okay as long as you couldn't recognize Avery's face.

I mean, we know that he's too young for sudden fame, and I once heard a rumor

that the Gerber baby did time for knocking off a convenience store.

Here's the littlest angel now.

Excuse me.

He's a friend.

Let him live.

Um, about before I feel I should explain.

You see, I've had the most unbelievably miserable day.

I'm invited to the inaugural ball, and I don't have a date, so... Really?

With your social skills, it's hard to imagine that.

All my friends have been trying to fix me up. Poor guy. He must be working

around the clock.

Look, if you knew I was working toward an apology here, could you cut me some

slack?

All right.

But I'm warning you, start up again. I'll be forced to use these pastels to

defend myself.

Okay, okay. I deserve that.

You know, I really do like this.

You've managed to capture Avery's intelligence, his sense of humor, his

I'm good with gums. I once did a six -foot canvas for a dentist's office.

Called it Gingivitis Defending a Staircase.

Nice title.

And, um, it's nice work.

But don't you think you're awfully good to be... What, doing murals for rib

joints? Look, I've got a gallery that represents me, but the recession hit the

art world pretty hard. And this way I get 30 % off all chicken and rib

combinations.

Tell me, do you have any religious or aesthetic objections to wearing a

No. As a matter of fact, I own three of them.

Yeah, I did a penguin fresco once for a tux shop, and they paid me off in formal

wear.

Great.

Look, I know this may sound crazy, considering we just met each other a few

minutes ago, and I tried to kick you out of my house, but how would you feel

about breaking out one of those tuxedos and going to the inaugural ball with me?

You're asking me on a date?

Oh, well, wait.

Wait, wait. I feel I should clear that up right now.

It's not a date.

It's, um, well, it's two citizens celebrating the passage of power in a

democratic system with free eats and dancing.

Which reminds me, before you answer, I have to see you dance.

Dance? Well, you know, just a few moves. Whatever you're comfortable with, go

ahead.

You know, I'm beginning to understand why Eldon sometimes breaks down in tears

when we go out for coffee.

Okay, I can explain.

You see, I was planning on going to the ball alone, but then you're a target for

every bad dancer in the room. At the Carter inaugural, Burt Lance do -si -do

me into Miss Lillian so hard her upper plate flew into the punch.

I don't want that to ever happen again.

I'm not going to dance for you. I'm the one who owns three tuxes.

So what you're saying is you can't dance?

Oh, can't dance?

Cha -cha, samba, jitterbug, foxtrot, hustle.

Let me guess. You did a mural for the Arthur Murray Dance Studios?

Better. I painted the footsteps on the floor.

Wednesday the 20th. I'll be ready at 7.

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

Another meeting of the Matchmakers Club? What's today's plan? Tie me up, drive

me to the nearest prison and see who's getting out on parole?

Say, Murphy,

a little bird was speaking to me.

Oh, hell, I'm not good at this. The bird told me you were quite a dish.

Is there anything you'd like me to tell him?

Many things, but instead I have an announcement to make. The great Murphy

-off is now over. I found someone to go to the inaugural ball with me.

And I'm a pig farmer named Ed.

Murph, there is no shame in not having a date.

Well, maybe there's a little shame, but please, don't make it worse by lying.

I'm not lying, Frank.

And it's not a date. It's more like an escort.

Oh, Murphy, this is so sad.

I didn't think you'd have to pay anyone until you were way in your 50s.

Murphy, please, it's not that kind of an escort. I'm telling you, I found

someone. In 12 hours, what's his name?

Uh, Michael something.

Where'd you meet him? He was at my house last night. He just appeared there out

of nowhere?

No, he's a friend of Eldon's. He's an artist.

What kind of artist?

He does murals, rib joints, tuxedo shops, the occasional dentist's office.

Oh, my dear. Look, why don't you come with Uda and me? I'll just tell her it's

custom.

Ah, there you are.

Oh, hi, Michael. I wonder who this could be.

This is a surprise.

Yeah, Eldon told me where I could find you. Oh, I have something for you.

Avery, you had it framed, and I see you put in the spare ribs. Yeah, I'm pretty

happy with how it came out. Notice how the frame picks up the color of the

barbecue sauce.

Well, this is definitely going in a place of honor. In my office, next to my

picture of Queen Elizabeth pumping her own gas.

Now, if you ever want to see the real thing, remember, it's Lou's on 8th

Mention my name, you'll get extra wet knacks.

Well, listen, I've got to get going. I've got an unveiling at a foot clinic.

I'll see you the night of the ball.

Wednesday the 20th, right? Right.

Right. Bye. Bye.

It's amazing.

He really does exist.

And he's so cute, too. Oh, Murphy, I have a feeling this is going to be a

dream date.

Corky, please, it's not a date.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Slugger, the attraction is obvious.

How am I going to break this to Bart?

It could be the final blow to his already shaky putting game.

Will you guys stop it? I'm telling you there's no attraction.

Please don't insult me.

I saw the way you were talking to him, touching your hair, casually brushing it

aside. It was in my eyes. What do you want me to do, walk around smashing into

walls? You did the hair sweep.

The hair sweep means nothing. I do, however, recall hearing the girlish

Ah, the hair sweep in combination with the girlish laugh. Need we say more?

You guys are delirious. So I touched my hair. So I laughed. It means nothing.

Maybe not.

But the tummy suck does.

You sucked in your tummy.

Geez,

will you guys get a wife?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do.

Oh, but I just want to leave you with one final thought.

It's not a date.

My doctor said I needed fiber. And this one is the Louvre. Yes, it's a very

famous museum.

Home to the Mona Lisa and Venus de Milo. Now, where else have we seen Venus de

Milo? That's right. Right up there.

Next to Golda Meir and the Three Bears.

They noticed that Miss Venus has no arms, but she's still a beautiful piece

art. But always the last one picked when the other statues choose sides for

volleyball.

I don't want you to feel weird about me going out with a friend of yours because

it's not a real date. Yeah, I know. Michael said the same thing.

He did?

Oh, well, that's good. It means we're both in total agreement. I hate to start

out with a miscommunication this early in the evening. What do you think of

necklace? I like it. It's all wrong.

Well, now, that was interesting. See, your mother just exhibited some behavior

that could be considered stereotypically feminine.

Now, here's how that works.

They ask your opinion, and you give it. And then...

They do the opposite.

He said we conduct a little experiment just to see if that was a random

occurrence or the start of a new and unsettling pattern.

You know, the great thing about Michael is we have absolutely nothing in common.

That's what makes tonight so much simpler. There's no awkwardness, no

expectations. What do you think about these shoes?

A little, uh, bold, aren't they? They're fine.

I like the pins.

Pins too much.

Well, Igor, I think we've seen enough.

Yep, it's just a simple night out. Say hi to Bill and Hillary, sprinkle a

hot pepper and Arlen Specter soup and... Oh, jeez. Oh, God, I don't believe what

I just did.

I put perfume behind my knees. Do you know what that means?

You're hoping to impress some very short people.

It means that there's a date.

No matter what I tried to tell myself, no matter how deeply I thought I buried

her, she's back.

The dater.

The guys are right. The hair sweep, the girlish laugh.

It's only a matter of time before I'm rummaging through old purses looking for

limp -covered clorette.

Ah, and he's here. And the dater's heart starts to beat a little quicker. She

wonders, is there time to put on that final touch of makeup? My hair! Eldon,

turn Avery away. I don't want him to see me like this. Good night, sweetheart.

You're probably too young to remember this. I, on the other hand, will no

have to sleep with a light on for the next several months.

I'm 44 years old. I'm successful.

I'm accomplished.

I don't need a man to tell me if I'm desirable or not.

Hey, pal, I don't need you. I'm damn desirable.

Hello?

Could you open the door?

No, I don't think I could do that. I really don't.

Okay, then.

Goodbye. Wait.

Um, I can explain.

Do you have any idea how many of your conversations start that way?

Look, I'm not mad at you.

I'm mad at myself.

I think it's better if you just leave.

You know that welcome match you got out front?

Some sort of sadistic joke, right?

Sorry.

It's just that I've been through this too many times and it's just too

exhausting.

First, you've got to get to know the person, and then there's the whole

compromising thing, which never works out because eventually the guy expects

to do a little bit of it, too.

There's the whole sex thing. It's not that I don't enjoy it, but it's kind of

like a trip to Disneyland.

You get so excited about a ride on the Matterhorn, and then when it's over, you

realize you wasted all that time in line for a minute and a half upside down and

the chance to throw up.

I'm speaking of sex in general, so please don't take it personally.

I'm a little lost here. My big concern tonight was whether I could find parking

on your block.

You expect me to believe you didn't even give a thought to the second date?

The first overnighter?

The first weekend in the country? The second weekend in the country when we

bring Avery? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I swear I was just looking to get through the next five hours.

Oh, there it is. The classic male dating response.

Let's not think about the future. Let's just stay in the moment.

you guys get this?

I want to know and you're the lucky guy who's going to tell me.

Couldn't I just dance for you?

I'm serious. How do you guys do it? How do you stop yourselves from looking

beyond the first five hours?

I don't know. Never really thought about it. It's instinctual. Maybe even

genetic. I know for a fact my father didn't think about it and his father

think about it.

Probably goes all the way back to the caveman.

Wonderful. centuries of men not thinking. That explains the fall of the

Empire, the Dark Ages, the National Hockey League.

I'm sorry. I don't even know why I asked. It's obvious men and women don't

anything in common. Hey, you're the one who brought this up.

And by the way, even if guys do just focus on the next five hours, it isn't

easy. And we have to be constantly looking for clues.

Should I make a move here? If I don't make a move, will she be offended?

And you know, it didn't make it any easier, you asking me out.

What was that all about?

Was it just some mad impulse?

That's why I stopped by your office, to give you a chance to back out. Then you

touched your hair, and before I knew it, I was... Oh, hell, I sucked in my

stomach.

You're kidding.

Remember how I said men and women had nothing in common? Well, this proves it.

Time to go. What, you're kicking me out again?

The inaugural ball, remember?

Are you really going through with this? Why?

Please. A guy who sucks in his stomach is so pathetic, I have to take you.

But tonight, I'm going to try it your way. I'm only going to think as far as

front door.

This is going well. I'm enjoying it.

Oh, well. It'll be a nice change.

A date without all the usual stupid games people play. I was getting too old

that anyway.

Oh, yeah? How old are you?

28. Here's a tip for parents.

Never, ever try to sound cool to your kids. Boy, I bet that was rad.

Stay tuned for the disastrous results on Roseanne, next on Nick at Night.