Original subtitles

Shortly after, Mr. Yeltsin dismantled police, which had once been headed by,

hey, legislative leader Ruslan Kazbulatov. A demonstration of strength

clearly designed to... Hey, hey, hey, look what we just did to Mr.

Kazbulatov. As if he wasn't having a tough enough time already.

Now, where were we?

In a demonstration of strength clearly designed to force the opposition...

I cannot believe what I'm witnessing.

You know, I come in here late, every single Thursday, so you and Avery can

some quality playtime together.

Instead, I find him a high -chair hostage involved in a brutal game of

the Press.

I'm not simply reading him the newspaper. I'm using it as a bib.

A degradable bib, I might add. You see, a traditional bib would have to be

laundered, wasting precious water and sending detergents into our streams and

lakes. So I'm actually giving Avery a valuable lesson on preserving or

diminishing natural resources.

What a crock.

You know, I only wish some of that oatmeal would have found its way into

ears so he wouldn't have to listen to this, as I must.

Reading the paper does not qualify as playtime.

Your primary objective here should be to engage the child's imagination.

Observe.

Down came the rain and washed the spider out.

Out came the sun. A song about a half -dead bug clinging to a rainbow.

You know, whatever you think you might have learned in college, you wasted your

money. I mean, is the stark imagery lost on you? The rain, the sun, simple, yet

in its own way as powerful as Van Gogh's Starry Night.

It's a bug.

Well, then pray tell, why does little Avery love that rhyme, as do all his

little friends?

What little friends?

Well, we've been meeting in the park with some of the other mothers and tykes

from the neighborhood, and we share experiences, we share techniques.

Now, you might want to consider coming down and meeting some of them, just to

get a few pointers.

About what?

I don't need help learning how to relate to my kid. We're doing just fine. Are

we, Avery?

No. If you'll excuse us, it's time for another one of our favorite games, The

Mr. Fax Machine.

Hey, Murph, I want to ask you something before the pitch. Frank, you are not

going to believe what I've got in my hands. This is some of the most

disturbing stuff I've ever seen. Really? What is it?

Mother Goose. Have you ever read this stuff?

It's disgusting.

And these guys?

Grimm's fairy tales.

Hans Christian Andersen. What a twisted bunch of sickos. You just listen to

this. There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

She lived in a shoe, Frank. She had so many children, she didn't know what to

do. So she gave them some broth without any bread.

Then... She whips them all soundly and puts them to bed.

Ha! Great role model, huh?

There's Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater. Murph, Murph. These are classic

stories. Kids have been enjoying them for generations.

Oh. What do you think, Frank? That if I don't read them to Avery, I'm a

miserable failure as a mother? Is that what you're saying? What are you talking

about? Nobody's accusing you of being a lousy mother. Eldon is. He says I don't

know how to play with Avery. Like peek -a -boo is so much better than a few

rounds of Find the Iran Contra Defendant. I'm telling you, Frank, Avery

that game. He gets an angry look on his face and points to Ollie North every

time.

You know, maybe Alden has a point. The way parents deal with play can send a

the wrong messages. Believe me, I know. It's one of the reasons I've been in

therapy for 15 years.

Oh, please, Frank. Are you saying you've been in therapy for 15 years because

your parents didn't play this little piggy with you? Hey, you try growing up

with parents who run a restaurant. I was nine before I realized refill the Kotex

machine wasn't something other kids played.

That's very interesting, Frank. But I'm sure there are plenty of people who

didn't spend their childhood skipping through fields of flowers with Mommy and

Daddy and still turned out just fine. Yeah, you're named one in this office.

Hi, guys.

Look at Miles. I will bet you 20 bucks his parents didn't have enough time to

play with him as a kid, and that's why he's like he is today. Like what? What

I like? Oh, please, Frank. Just because Miles is neurotic doesn't mean he didn't

have enough playtime with his parents. Hey, hey, hey.

I am not neurotic. Of course you are, Miles. That's not the issue. The issue

why. My guess is it's because he's short. Hey, hey, hey.

I am not short.

I'm compact.

Miles,

playtime with your parents, yes or no?

Well... They did spend a lot of time in peace rallies and protests.

What did I tell you? No quality playtime, and what's the result? A

newsman with a spastic colon, a height complex, and a fear of death. Wait a

minute. You can't blame that all on my parents.

Exactly my point. The fear of death came from my grandparents.

They used to babysit a lot, and, well, let me just say, I don't think it's

for a 60 -year -old to have to brush someone else's teeth, especially when

teeth are not in the mouth at the time.

Oh, for the love of Mike, I can't believe you people are going to jump on

pop -psych, mumbo -jumbo, quality -tongue bandwagon. I can assure you none

that happened in the Dial family home when I was growing up. You hear that,

Frank? No traditional games, still a happy guy. Well, no offense, but happy

isn't the first word that pops into my head to describe Jim. I'm happy.

Quiet, Miles. We're past you. What are you saying, Frank?

I'm saying is that who we are now has a lot to do with our early experiences.

And maybe you're lacking something because...

You didn't have enough interactive playtime with your parents.

Lacking something?

You know, a certain kind of flexibility and ease.

Don't you think that you tend to be a little... rigid?

Rigid?

Me? Rigid? That's absurd. I'm not rigid, Frank.

Yeah, right, and I'm not short.

Please, Frank, just because the man likes things in their proper place...

come on, he's the most anal -retentive person I've ever met.

I've had just about enough of your filthy mouth, Frank. Your mother should

washed it out with soap.

Okay, you're not rigid.

I defy you not to stir your coffee like you always do.

What are you talking about?

Three stirs and two taps.

For 15 years I've been watching you, and for 15 years it's always stir, stir,

stir, tap, tap.

You've been counting his stirs and taps for 15 years, and you're accusing him of

compulsive behavior?

Hey, there's the spoon. Let's see the man lose a tap. Go on, Jim. Stir, stir,

stir, tap.

I dare you.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Frank, you're being ridiculous.

You can't do it. He can't do it. Jim's born to rock tonight.

In your dreams, shorty.

I most certainly can do it, and I'll prove it to you right now.

Good morning, everyone.

He did it. He did it. I saw you. He did it, Jim. I saw you. Will you stop it?

Corky, this is important.

Did you have a lot of traditional playtime with your parents when you were

kid? Not really. You see, Corky didn't have any more playtime than the rest of

us, and she's so happy when she first got here, we thought she'd been kicked

the head.

I've always been happy.

That's the way we were brought up.

We had to be happy. What do you mean you had to be happy?

Daddy kept a suitcase packed in the front hall closet, and Mama always said

we weren't happy, he might use it.

Okay, this conversation's over.

I don't remember any fun and games with my parents, and I think I turned out

pretty damn good. Yeah, right.

I did stay perfect.

Okay, maybe I wasn't able to have a meaningful conversation with either of

parents until I was in my 40s.

I'm not great at relationships.

I was married once. That lasted five days.

I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Oh, God.

Okay,

Avery. Your mother's about to open her house to a bunch of total strangers so

can learn what this quality playtime is all about.

I hope you'll remember this in a few years when your greedy little wife tries

talk you into putting me in a home.

What the heck is all this food doing here?

Who's in this mother's group? Raymond Burr?

I said it was five people. Five and no more.

You know, actually, it's going to be four due to the unfortunate Shirley

incident. Now, I don't want to get into all the ugly little details, but...

Let's just say that the woman always left with more toys than she came with.

woman stole toys?

Nothing that we can prove, but last Tuesday, she was seen leaving the

with what appeared to be someone else's big bird stuffed in her daughter's snow

pants. Now, we called the next day and told her we were disbanding until

Now, if you get that, I still have time to prepare my melon balls.

Will you forget your melon balls? I want to get these women in, I want to learn

how to play, and I want to get them out. In, play, out.

nice of you to come. Hi. Hello.

Oh, look, Alan. Alan, hi.

Hello, fellow caregivers.

How are you?

This is Susan and Fast Willie and Sidney and the mighty Alan.

Hi. I'm Murphy Brown.

Uh -huh. I know.

Let's go.

Oh, Eldon, you have got to check out this backpack.

It is so comfortable, I hardly even need it.

Go ahead, tell me how much you paid for it. Okay, $29 .99.

I'll get it, you keep chatting.

Hi, I'm Murphy.

Hi, I'm Jane, and this is Samantha.

Hi! Hi, how are you?

There's no child gate on the stairs.

Isn't that a little dangerous?

Well, of course there's no gate. Avery's not crawling yet.

And neither is Samantha. Stop worrying.

Well, I'd hate to see a lovely afternoon end in tragedy.

Did you get your hair permed? Oh, it looks great.

Hi.

Hi. They're in there. Oh, I see them every week, but I haven't seen you in...

gosh, I can't remember the last time. When was it?

I'm sorry. Do we know each other?

I'm Eileen, your next -door neighbor.

Old man Swenson has a wife and baby?

No, I'm on the other side.

You remember me. You ran over my trash cans.

Oh, right.

You know, you really should consider plastic. They're more durable and they

cause much less damage to the car.

So, are you fairly new to the neighborhood?

We've lived here for eight years.

and go.

So, why don't we go in and join the others?

Eileen and the lovely Taylor, I hope you have a wonderful day. Oh, yeah, you

bet.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?

Out. This is your party, remember?

Now go in and interact with the other mothers. You can't leave. I don't know

these women. What do I have in common with them? Well, you have a baby and a

definite lack of facial hair. That puts you two up on me.

Have a nice day.

Oh.

Susan, that is the cutest outfit.

Is it flame retardant?

It's in this fantastic catalog that Sidney gave me.

I'll bring it next time. The prices are great. And for the amount of money we

all spend on clothes on these kids, you know, that is pretty important.

And on the other hand, there is a lot to be said for Murphy's approach. I mean,

why spend a lot of money when the kid's just going to grow right out of it,

right?

This is 100 % cotton.

Yep. It's Pima cotton.

The cut of kings.

Very nice.

Wow. Oh, my God.

Look at that.

The day before yesterday, John and I walked into the nursery, and there he

standing up, waiting for us. I'm telling you, this kid constantly amazes us.

Us, too.

He's the first one to clap, the first one to wave. They all clap, all but

Samantha and Avery.

Do you think I should have her checked?

You know, babies go at their own pace.

I mean, look at Avery.

He doesn't clap, he doesn't wave, and he still can't sit up without falling

over.

I'm sure that Murphy's not losing any sleep over it.

Well, I wouldn't exactly call it falling over. I like to think of it as changing

position very quickly.

What about verbal skills?

Does he make any complex sounds yet?

Oh, yeah. The other night, he picked up the phone and ordered a pizza.

We're going to play some games here.

Not until we get a new diaper. Do you have somewhere I could change her? Yeah,

there's a changing table in the bathroom right through there.

I

just

smiled at little

Taylor.

Her name is Taylor.

She lives next door with me, Eileen.

No, there's nothing Avery and I enjoy so much as a good old -fashioned round of

traditional games.

Who wants to start?

Why don't you, Murphy?

Me?

Oh, I couldn't.

That would be too selfish, and, well, that's just not the way I was raised.

Please, one of you pick.

Well, why don't we sing the wheels on the bus? Really love that.

And one of our all -time favorites.

Let's get on board that bus and get rolling.

Wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round,

round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round all over town.

The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish. The

wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish all over town. Murphy?

Huh?

and see the lovely buffet I prepared?

She doesn't know the song.

Of course I do. I just hate to see good food go to waste.

Well, if you know the song, then why don't you sing the next verse?

Go ahead.

Sing it.

I refuse to be cross -examined in my own house.

She doesn't know it.

You bet I do.

The bus ran over the next -door neighbor.

The next -door neighbor. The next -door neighbor.

His wishes are like a bug.

Everybody will never believe it.

She clapped.

Samantha clapped. Samantha, you must be so proud of her.

Isn't it funny how it happened when you were out of the room and none of us

could see?

Yeah, but I saw her.

Well, yeah. Since I don't have any hidden cameras in the bathroom, we'll

have to trust you.

Which means that now my baby is the only one who doesn't know how to clap.

How convenient for you.

Murphy, I understand where you're coming from.

All mothers want their children to do the things that the other kids do.

Avery's going to catch up with everybody in time. Don't worry.

Worry? I'm not worried.

worry we're just talking about clapping after all it's not a competition

although i might point out that when it comes push to shove avery could wipe the

floor with that little samantha

Just in time. Let's get those no -talent kids in here.

Hi. Come on in.

So, everybody ready for some baby tricks? I mean, games?

Fun, educational baby games with clapping and such?

Where's Eileen and her little clapper?

Oh, um, she has a cold.

Bad cold. Maybe the flu.

She does?

You don't think she had it last week, do you?

No, Jane.

Oh, well, too bad. Oh, that must be Susan. Oh, Willie's wearing his sailor

outfit. It'll go so well with Avery's new outfit.

It's Italian.

Armani for kids.

Hi, come on in.

Wow,

that's quite a sailor suit.

He's an admiral.

See, Willie's been drummed out of the service, mixed up in that tailhook

scandal, no doubt.

So, everybody's here?

Let the games begin.

Why don't we start with, uh, oh, something with clapping.

Your kids can clap, and Avery will just watch.

Oh, before I forget, I found a place that sells formula by the bulk.

$33 .95 a case. I bought some extra. If you want them, they're in the car. Maybe

I didn't make myself clear.

We're not chatting. We're not shopping.

We're clapping.

Why?

Okay, but you're going to make me ruin the surprise.

Go ahead, Avery. Clap.

Whenever you're ready, Avery.

Come on.

Come on.

Avery.

Come on, Avery. Clap.

Clap, Avery.

Come on, Avery.

I'm telling you, he can do this.

Did you see that?

Just had a clapping impulse, but he stopped himself.

Uh -oh, we're really getting close. It won't be long now. I can feel it. Oh,

look, he just clapped. Wonderful.

He did not.

You don't need your charity, and stop distracting him.

Come on, Avery.

Clap. You know, Murphy, I think Alec may be coming down with something. He's a

little warm.

You know, now that you mention it, Sidney, Willie seems to be getting a

cranky, too. Maybe we should call it a day. What do you think, Jane?

Oh, it doesn't matter anymore. They're probably all infected.

Jane? We're going.

Next Saturday.

Clack, clack. Same time. It's okay with me. Clack, clack.

Actually, Murphy, because of the weather being so cold right now, we've been

thinking about disbanding the group for a while until after Easter.

Easter?

Huh?

We'll call you.

Eldon. So long, Eldon.

We were just leaving, Eldon. See you soon. Bye.

Why the big rush to abandon ship?

Oh, well, we were just talking, and you know how hectic life gets at the

beginning of the year, so we decided it might be good to take a break and not

have a playgroup for a while. Uh -huh.

Until when?

Easter.

The old Shirley Cadoucan kiss -off, huh?

Oh, come on, Eldon, don't be ridiculous. It's not the same thing at all.

Like they caught me stealing.

It was worse.

You should have seen me.

I got so competitive, and the worst part is, I dragged Avery into it.

You're right, Eldon.

I don't spend enough time with him, and the time I do spend, I do all the wrong

things.

I don't know how to relate to him.

Well, one thing you could try doing is taking him out of that outfit. He looks

like a roadie for the Captain and Tennille.

But I think that the main thing here is to try communicating on his level

instead of your own. Now, you can do this.

And I want you to try.

Okay.

All right.

Um, there was this, um, pretty small spider drowning

in a gutter.

It was raining pretty hard, and there's a finger thing, too.

You know, it's real hard to believe that you were meant to reproduce at all.

Are you giving a break, Eldon?

I don't have the natural instinct for this that you do.

Okay, I know one.

May I breathe?

The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and... I'm

sorry, it's still a stupid song.

How about we compromise a little bit?

The Watergate burglars came to town...

Watergate burglars came to town early in the morning.

You like this, huh?

Okay.

The security guard found an unlocked door, unlocked door, unlocked door,

and called in the police.

Up next, Jackie acts so immature, she's like a child.

Oh, how am I acting like a child?

Well, you're... I mean, you're just... Oh, she can blame it, but she can't name

it. Nice comeback.

Really mature.

Stay tuned for Roseanne, next on Nick at Night.