Original subtitles

You know, Corky, we were all a little worried about how you'd react to your

separation from Will.

But I've got to admit, you seem to be doing great.

Miles, my parents always taught us to turn life's misfortunes into something

positive. Breaking up with Will was painful, but I truly believe it's going

make me a bigger and better person. I'll have a double cheeseburger, two orders

of fries, a large bag of onion rings, and a slice of apple pie.

With ice cream.

Well, I don't know about the better part, but you're definitely going to be

bigger.

Button it up, Frank.

There's nothing wrong with a hearty appetite.

Especially a week before Christmas in the middle of a recession where Phyllis

putting a Neiman Marcus catalog on my damn pillow every night open to the

jewelry section.

You know what I love about Christmas?

It's such a happy time.

Have you noticed the city sidewalks are busy sidewalks dressed in holiday style?

In the air, there's, I don't know, a feeling of Christmas.

talking about? You hate Christmas.

All right, I admit I have been at Scrooge in the past, but that was before

Avery. It's his first Christmas and I want it to be the real old -fashioned

traditional kind, not the yuletide massacres I grew up with. Oh, Slugger,

exaggerating. It couldn't have been that bad.

You're right, Jim. I'm sure most family Christmases end with mother stoking the

fire with dad's golf clubs and dad out in the backyard shooting skeet with

Perry Como record.

They're my Christmas memories, and that's why it's going to be different

kid. Now, who's going to help me get the ball rolling by telling me what goes

into the traditional Christmas dinner?

Oh, that's easy, Murphy.

It's turkey with stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy.

Can we get some rolls here?

Excuse me, but the traditional Christmas dinner is ham with cherry glaze,

parsley potatoes, and peas.

Excuse me, but I think you're all forgetting that Avery's half Jewish.

Technically, you should be celebrating Hanukkah as well, and that means boiled

chicken and potato pancakes.

I got one vote for turkey, one vote for ham, and running a distant third, Yentl,

the kosher chicken boy.

So, Frank, you're the tiebreaker. What did your family serve?

Latanya.

Murphy, it doesn't really matter what kind of food you serve.

The important thing to remember is that Christmas is about family.

Ah, yes, family. I was getting to that. Now, with mother gone and dad in Chicago

with his new family, I was thinking...

Corky and Will have split up, so she's alone.

Audrey went home to England for the holidays, so Miles is alone. And, of

Frank is always alone. Maybe they'd like to spend the holidays with me. What do

you think?

Okay, Merv, how can I say no to such a lovely invitation?

Sure, why not?

Bill, I'm gonna want another piece of pie with that.

That's my girl.

All right, I'll come, but I'm bringing a menorah. You know, I wouldn't mind

helping Avery experience his first Noel.

Really, Jim? Don't you and Doris have plans?

Well, normally we do, but... Doris is playing Mrs. Cratchit in a production of

Christmas Carol at the Hillcrest Retirement Home.

It's a charming show, but I find it somewhat disconcerting when the ghost of

Christmas past appears in an oxygen tank.

Well, that's great.

Now, listen, guys, would you mind bringing just a few things? Sure. All

let's see. I'll need salad, vegetables, potatoes, cranberry mold, the main

course, and something to put it on.

That's it? You sure you don't want us to come over early and help you decorate?

No, no, no, that's okay. I'll just get a tree, maybe a wreath. I'll keep it

simple. Monica, simple. Eight candles, chicken, take a picture.

Oh, don't worry, Eldon. If the store didn't want us to buy the stuff, they

wouldn't put it in the window.

Elf people were laughing at us when we left the building. A security guard

stopped me, accused me of elf napping.

You are completely out of control.

Oh, you just ignore him, Avery. We're not out of control. We're just having a

simple little Christmas.

Oh, I bet that's the ice company delivering the half ton of snow we

Oh, my God.

Murphy, darling.

And my beautiful little Avery. Ciao, bambino. I'm your Auntie Brooke.

And look.

Oh, he's crying.

Well, don't... Don't worry, sweetheart.

You're not the first man I've reduced to tears.

Aunt Brooke, this is such a surprise.

What are you doing here?

It's Christmas Eve. Where else would I be but with my family?

My only family.

I was sitting in my villa in Tuscany last week, listening to Pavarotti

his way through the little drummer boy.

He suddenly came over me. I shouted, Stop singing, Luciano! I'm going to

to be with my niece, Murphy.

And my sister Avery's little namesake. Luciano Pavarotti was singing in your

living room?

No, dear, he was in the shower.

Mmm, lovely ambiance you created here.

Makes me wish I bought a thousand more shares of Washington Gas and Electric.

I'll be staying three days.

Oh, oh, that's great. It's always wonderful seeing you. And so unexpected,

unannounced, out of the blue, without warning.

part of the fun of me, isn't it?

Uh -huh. Well, I'll just put Avery down for his nap, and then we'll come back

and have a little visit.

Wonderful, darling. Take your time.

You can look all you want.

and I'll get none of this sandwich.

That's all right. I've already eaten.

Whoa.

For a minute there, I thought I was having a Disney Christmas.

It's you, isn't it?

The painter.

I'd have known you anywhere. You're Elvis.

Actually, I'm a... Yes, yes, the beard and the overalls and those incredibly

soulful eyes.

You're exactly as Avery described you.

Avery? Oh, you knew that wonderful woman? She was my sister.

I'm Brooke.

Brooke Torrance Hastings Shinebound Moore.

You've been busy, huh?

Or extremely unlucky.

Oh, contraire. I've had a marvelous time. And each of my four husbands would

tell you the same thing if they'd survived.

Unfortunately, I tend to choose men with weak hearts.

And I'm a very active woman.

And, Brooke, I see you've met Elvis. Elvis, yes. And he's everything Avery

he was. Look at those eyes. There's genius in them. I like her.

Well, of course you do, dear. Everyone does.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and bathe.

Or I'll die.

Look at this room, Eldon. Don't you think it just screams Christmas Eve?

I can't argue with you about that.

You know, Ellen, when Aunt Brooke arrived, I was a little concerned, but I

everything's going to be just fine. Oh, you know, I admit she takes a little

getting used to, but she is family. Plus, she already commissioned me to do

sketch of her.

The only problem is she suggested that it be done in the nude, and, well, I'm

not sure if she means her or me.

Eldon. Oh, Eldon, listen to that. It's Kendall Burns singing an old -fashioned

Christmas song. I want... Are you ready to hear that? Yeah. Go get it, Nolan.

Go, go.

And heaven and nature sing.

And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature

sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and

nature sing.

And heaven and nature sing.

And heaven and nature sing.

And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature

sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and

nature sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven

and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing. And

heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing.

And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature

sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and

nature sing. And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing.

And heaven and nature sing. And heaven and nature sing.

And heaven and nature sing.

And Can't a father come up here to spend Christmas with his favorite daughter

and his brand -new grandson, huh?

Well, not when he's got a wife and child in Chicago.

What's going on? What's with the cane?

She threw me out.

Right out on the street. I was so damn mad, I kicked over some kid's snowman.

The little brat had built it around a fire hydrant. I think I booked a ticket.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I see why all the lights in the Capitol Dome are

flickering.

Dad, forget the lights and tell me what happened. Why'd Karen throw you out? She

claimed that I'd forgotten our anniversary. Hell, I hadn't forgotten

Well, I was playing poker with a bunch of the boys down at my magazine.

But I was 500 bucks ahead. I mean, I couldn't walk out. It would have been

So at 6 .30 this day, I showed up at the house with a magnificent platter of

cold cuts.

And she started yelling, saying that she'd had it with me.

That I wasn't enough of a 19th husband for her. Now, what the hell? What the

hell does that mean?

I have no idea, but all she'd have to do is wait a few years. You should be 90

by then.

Oh, my God, it's babbling Brooke.

What the hell is she doing here?

Did you kill another husband?

Dad, Dad, Dad, Brooke, now, listen, it's Christmas Eve. Remember, tidings of

comfort and joy.

At least my husband's died from natural causes. My marriage has been dead from

divorce. Oh, what an accomplishment.

Yeah, the poor guys probably wanted out so badly they were willing to die.

Witch! Oh, there's a verse of joy to the world I don't think we're familiar

with. There he is. There's the big guy. He came all the way up here to see you.

Thank you very much. It's good to see you, too.

Why is he still here?

Dad, Eldon's my nanny.

Actually, I'm his nanny, although at times the line does tend to blur a bit.

You're leaving my grandson in the hands of this genius?

Elvis is a far better role model than you ever were.

All right, you two, listen up.

Now, you're both unexpected guests, but in the spirit of the season, I'm willing

to make room at the inn.

But this is my son's first Christmas, and it's going to be a happy one, or

you're both going to be out on the street looking for a manger to sleep in.

make myself clear?

Oh, yeah, well, that's fine with me. I just wanted to spend Christmas with my

family. Well, so did I, and I was here first.

I'm a father. I outrank you.

Did you say father or failure?

Crone. Philanderer.

I must have been a very bad girl this year.

Oh,

boy, am I glad to see you.

Where's Corky?

She was a little late preparing the turkey.

Mine certainly is festive in here.

No kidding. Which way to the slot machines?

Never mind that. Just get your coats off and get into the living room. I need

reinforcements. Hey, children.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

What are you talking about? Where are you going?

What? I don't have a life. It's Christmas Eve, and I'm going to help

Tots deliver some presents around H Street.

But, Giselle, that's a pretty rough area.

Compared to that living room? I think not.

What did he mean, compared to that living room?

You little maniac!

Harrigan!

You'll find out.

Oh.

You know my father. Yes, Mr. Brownlee. Very nice to see you. And where's your

lovely wife? She threw me out.

Torrance Hastingshinebaum Moore.

I'm Murphy's aunt. If you're wondering why I'm alone, all my husbands are dead.

This is Jim. I know, dear. I know, Mr. Dial and Mr. Fontana. I have a satellite

dish in my villa in Tuscany and I rarely miss one of your shows.

However, I don't believe I'm familiar with this young man.

Miles Silverberg. I'm the executive producer.

Oh, good for you.

Your husband was Jewish, Milton Scheinbaum.

Your people make wonderful spouses.

You rarely drink.

You're considerate lovers, and when you die, you usually leave your widows well

taken care of.

Thank you.

Hors d 'oeuvres, anyone?

Italians, on the other hand, are more passionate.

They're not necessarily good husbands, but they're excellent lovers.

Do you get to Tuscany often, Mr. Fontana?

Run for your life!

She's on the prowl.

Oh, I'll get that.

Meantime, Miles, this would be a good time to tell everyone the story of the

miracle of Hanukkah.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, yeah, right.

I hope you cooked enough for two extra guests.

Hey, half the turkey's gone.

There was a long light on Constitution Avenue.

Sue me.

Just give me the platter and get inside and spread some holiday cheer.

Get that piece of turkey skin off your lip.

But the Maccabees had enough oil to light the lamp for everyone. Merry

Christmas, everyone.

This is my father, you know, and then this is Aunt Brooke.

Hello, Mr. Brown. What a surprise.

Where's that pretty wife of yours? She threw me out.

Uh -huh.

Hello.

Yes, I know, dear.

I read about your separation, and I just want to tell you there are plenty of

men out there for attractive girls like us.

And I should know. I've been married four times.

Uh -huh.

time I see him, he gets to be more and more like me.

Wonderful. But it's only a question of time before he dumps his wife of 25

and marries someone half her age.

This from a woman whose second husband was so young, they had to get married

during a recess.

Go on, ask her how old he was.

Go on.

Hey, hey, here's a fun Christmas idea. While we're...

basking in the warm, digestive glow of this lovely holiday meal, why doesn't

each of us recount a fond memory of Christmas past? That way, Avery can have

firm foundation of happy holiday memories. Jim, you start.

Do I have to? Yes.

1948,

your very first Christmas.

Yes, it was the first year she came to stay with us.

It was a nightmare.

Misogynist.

Hold it.

Nobody clears anything.

The next person who tries to leave this room gets decked in the hall.

I know this

evening's been a disaster.

Why shouldn't it be? It's a typical Brown family Christmas.

People screaming, children crying, and a blonde girl stuffing her face in

misery.

The only difference is it used to be me.

Well, I'm telling you both, it's over.

My child is not going to be a victim of the past.

The Brown family destiny changes tonight.

You hear that?

It's a sign from God. Now, we are going to listen to the joyous sounds of

Christmas. We are going to eat this delicious and extremely expensive

dessert in peace and harmony, and love and joy will fill this house.

Oh, he started it. No, no, no. I don't want my son to hear anything but the

sound of this music.

Oh, it's nothing, young man.

Nothing? I'll show you nothing.

Lovely. It's my second wedding day all over again.

Good morning, darling. Would you like an orange juice coffee?

Merry Christmas, darling. I hope you like your egg scramble.

Wow. This is the most incredibly vivid dream. I can even smell the coffee.

No, no, no, dear. It's not a dream. No.

You see, after you locked yourself in your room last night, your aunt and I

a little meeting.

And we decided that you may have had a point.

That we weren't acting as a family should.

What was your first clue? The pie throwing or the stabbing?

What can we say, dear? We fell into old habits. We're not proud of ourselves.

But we want to make it up to you and to Avery. Can't we start Christmas over

again?

No.

No, we can't. I want both of you out of my house now.

You can't mess things up for 40 years and then just make me scrambled eggs and

coffee and expect me to say it's all okay.

It's not fair.

Really, dear, as my close friend Katie Hepburn says, boy, boy, boy.

Get on with your life.

If we're willing to try not to be victims of the past, then you have to

effort, too.

I don't blame you, darling, for not trusting us.

But I promise you we're going to give it the best try this year. And as a proof,

I'm going to give you a Christmas present.

Brooke, I'm sorry that I shoved that pie in your face.

And I apologize for poking you with a fork.

Poking? All right, then stabbing.

Wow.

Two members of my own family apologizing to each other without a policeman

present. I never thought I'd live to see this.

To tell you the truth, dear, neither did I.

But love makes you do strange things.

And I do love you. Yeah, so do I, darling.

And I know that occasionally I turn into a crotchety old fool.

But I do hope you know that I would do anything in the world to make you happy.

Thank you.

Thank you both for finally giving me the Christmas I always wanted.

Give it a hug.

You too, Aunt Brooke.

Yeah, why not?

You know, Bill.

For the first time in years, I see a little bit of a man my sister fell in

with.

Good, thank you very much.

And when you're not spewing all of that venom, well, you're not half bad

yourself. Oh, this is great. Isn't this so great? And since we're confessing, I

might as well tell you that when we met, I told Avery not to let you get away.

How about that, Dad?

Oh, no, you didn't. No, go on.

You certainly did, and I can still see you the way you were as a young man. All

that Irish charm and vitality.

It was very attractive.

Well, speaking of vitality, there are very few women in the world that could

match you on that level.

So, who'd like some eggs?

Did you always have those little flecks of gold in your eyes?

Of course I did.

to look.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you doing?

I was wrong. This is unnatural.

You should be fighting. Aunt Brooke, I'll get you a fork. And Dad, we're out

pie, but here's some marmalade. Nice and sticky.

Don't worry, dear. It was just a...

Momentary aberration.

We're fine now, right, Bill? Yes, yes, absolutely. That was a very strange

sensation. Yes, but I suppose it does stand to reason if you try to shut up

those years of hostility so quickly, the energy has to go somewhere.

Well, I want it to go somewhere else.

Oh, come on, Murphy, we're not crazy.

As a matter of fact, I want to get back to Chicago as soon as I can to see if

that remarkable woman whom I married will give me a second chance.

And I have to get back to Tuscany to prepare my... annual New Year's Eve

Placido Domingo is coming. He's promised to bring Mick Jagger with him. I hear

he may be divorcing again.

So, you're both really okay?

Oh, sure, yeah. Of course, dear, why wouldn't we be? We're here with you and

your sweet child on Christmas Day.

So, what do you say we enjoy it?

Okay. But any more talk about vitality or eye color, and it's Merry Christmas

all and to all a get out.

Whatever you want, dear.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Oh, my God.

There she goes again.

You just simply can't resist, can you? No, I can't. What are you going to do

about it?

Well, there's not much else I can do, really, except join in.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Well, Avery, that's your family. We may not be able to carry a tune, but at

least we go on singing.

It's the holiday season, and that means one thing.

Party. Party. Party. Party now.

Yes, it's the French Prince year -end jam.

Party with the Prince for four full nights starting Monday, December 11th,

on Nick at Night.