Original subtitles

Oh, please.

You can do better than that. Come on.

All right, that's more like it. Now I want you to remember what that sounded

like, and then when I come back tomorrow, we can try it again.

Come on, Murphy, we're all proud of you, but let's not get carried away. It's

not like what you did has never been done before.

Oh, really, Frank? And when was the last time you did it?

When was the last time you nailed a mob boss on camera in front of 30 million

people? In fact, now that I think about it, I let that applause die down a

little too soon.

Everybody, Murphy, enough about your story.

I haven't seen such a desperate cry for attention since my in -aster war of

peekaboo blouse to meet the new rabbi.

We're already late for a pitch meeting. Let's not waste any more time.

Oh, come on, Miles. Give me a break.

I didn't sleep well last night. I had the weirdest dream.

You're not going to believe this, but in this dream, I, Murphy Brown, was

actually pregnant.

Oh, that's rich.

You were the kid.

Who was the father, Nixon?

You know, you wouldn't laugh if you'd had this dream.

It was so realistic and so detailed and so long.

And get this, I had a boy.

No more snacks before bedtime, especially something called I Can't

Not Salami.

Well, I think I can speak for the rest of humanity when I say thank God it was

only a dream. And now, can we please just get back to it?

One second, Miles. I see I still have one more nightmare to deal with.

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown. You must be my new secretary.

Let's just calm down.

Are you wet?

Need to be changed?

Did you dream Pat Buchanan was hiding under your bed?

I can't be hungry.

I just ate.

Oh, 22 minutes ago.

Look, you're gonna have to give me a little more of a hint than this.

Listen, I got these books.

You see this book here?

You're supposed to be sleeping for three hours at a stretch.

It's written by an M .D., so I think a professional person just might know a

little more about this sleeping business than you.

Look, I don't mean to be critical. After all, I think it's important that a man

be able to cry, but I really think you've mastered it, and it's time to

didn't want to do this, but you've just left me no choice.

Here comes Mr.

Ducky's face.

Bring down the ducky, please.

Quackity, quackity, quack, quack.

Oh, jeez.

Nick at Night presents Faith.

Stay tuned for...

Okay,

where is he? Where is that precious bundle?

Oh, how I envy you. The hours of eternal bliss you must have spent on your first

night.

Wow, were you recently dragged by a horse?

As a matter of fact, Eldon, yes, I was.

My Comanche paperboy stopped by to collect and I refused to pay up.

I want you to listen to me because I'm too tired to say this twice.

The precious bundle is upstairs asleep for the first time in 16 hours. And if

you do anything to change that, I will rip out your vocal cords and you can

them home as suspenders.

Well, your hormones of motherhood have yet to reach that place in your brain

that controls speech.

Sorry. Last night was the longest night of my life.

And that includes the night Bella Abzug stopped by to show me slides of her dude

ranch vacation.

Okay.

It's only natural. You're going through a period of adjustment.

I mean, after all, you've been alone for many years, and then a whole new life

force entered the house. Someone with a different rhythm, a different

sensibility. But you got used to me, and eventually you get used to the baby,

too. I'm not so sure. At least I understand you most of the time.

He's a complete mystery to me. The book says that there's one cry when he's

hungry, another when he's wet, another when he's tired. They all sound the same

to me. It's like having a conversation with a porpoise.

Y 'all have no fear, little mother, because help has arrived with the new

Swingin' Snooze by Babymaster, constructed of durable space -age

here in the USA and guaranteed to lull your child to sleep in your choice of

three different speeds.

Slow, medium, and z -z -z -zing!

Baby!

I made that last part up.

Eldon, this is so great. If this thing works, it's going to put you right into

the top ten list of what to name the baby. Right in between Robert Kennedy

and Desmond Tutu Brown.

Will you hurry up and name this kid? You know, it's not healthy. He's four days

old. It's not that easy. He's going to be stuck with this for the rest of his

life. I want to make sure I pick the right name.

Think about it. What would have happened to you if your parents had named you

Clark?

Clark.

Clark Bernicke.

Ooh, ooh, I saw a whole different light flash before my eyes. I think it

revolved around the insurance business.

That's my point. Now, could we discuss this later?

I'm interviewing nannies all day, and the first ones do here any minute. I

have time for the world's quickest shower. Oh, I think we could forget

quick. We're looking at a 30 -minute preso minimum.

And while you're doing that, I'm just going to go sneak a peek at the little

nipper. Are you out of your mind? That kid can hear a marshmallow drop down the

carpet a block away. He's got the eardrums of a Peruvian fruit bat.

Now, you take this monitor and you just stay in here. And if you need to look at

a kid, there's a picture of one on that box.

This is emotionally satisfying.

Especially with a twice sticker right on his forehead.

Oh, God.

I really needed that shower.

I'm starting to grow a moss on my north side.

Mrs. Jenkins, I'm here about the nanny position.

Yes, well, come right on in.

Nice to meet you.

Um, I don't usually look like this. I've been on magazine covers, really.

They're framed in the guest room upstairs if you'd like to take a look.

Oh, for heaven's sake, there's no need to apologize. You've just had a baby.

Besides, I think you look wonderful.

Oh, sure, and if you don't take this nanny position, you can always get a job

one of the president's economic advisors.

Jenkins, this is Eldon Bernicke.

I'd love to visit, but I'm watching the baby.

So, here we are.

I have to admit, I'm not quite as prepared as I'd hoped to be.

I guess I should ask you the typical question that a mother would ask, a

motherly kind of question asked by a mother.

In this case, me.

And I guess that question would be... Well, let me see. It could be anything

from... I got one.

The child comes downstairs for breakfast.

Do you notice that he's wearing one red sock and one green sock?

What do you do?

Ellen, I don't see... Oh, no, no, no, dear. That's all right. It's a very

interesting question.

Of course, what you want to do is to avoid embarrassing the child while

him back to his room to put on matching socks.

Okay.

Now, what if he says that he sees nothing wrong with the socks that he has

Well, I suppose I'd suggest we have him tested for colorblindness.

He's not colorblind. He just likes wearing two different color socks, okay?

In that case, I would firmly explain to him that if he didn't conform to

acceptable dress codes, he would eventually experience trouble fitting

society. Uh -huh. I see.

and everything I see here, your qualifications are exceptional.

And these references, particularly the five -page letter from Dr. Spock,

exclamation point.

As far as I'm concerned, you could start thinking about my next question, which

I will be asking momentarily. Okay.

Here's the situation.

It's a beautiful autumn day. You decide, take the child to the park for a walk.

While walking through the park, you stumble upon a small dead bird.

Now, do you A, explain the bird's place in the cycle of regeneration, birth and

death? Do you B, tell the child the bird is sleeping?

Or do you C, distract the child while kicking the bird under a bush?

I'm sorry.

Exactly what is your relationship to the child? It's a long story.

I suppose I would choose B and tell the child the bird was sleeping.

Uh -huh.

Well, I think that's all we need. Thank you very much for coming. I'll just see

you out.

It was C. Kick the bird, right?

Well, I've always believed that my job is to provide the child with a nurturing

environment while carrying out the wishes of his parents.

And although the relevance of the question escapes me, I'd have to say

while I appreciate the irony in Warhol's Campbell's Soup portraits, I doubt that

in 200 years they'll be hanging next to the Van Goghs in the Dorsey Museum.

Our search has ended.

Oh, well.

Well, and let me just say, I thought your answers to those questions were

excellent, especially in the philosophy bonus round.

So tell me, how soon can you start? Well, it's 10 .30 now. I guess I could

after lunch.

Oh, gee, it's a little later than I'd hope, but if that's the best you can do.

Also, I just want to apologize for putting you through such a third degree,

I'm sure you understand.

After all, I am entrusting you with the care of my only child.

That's quite a responsibility.

Especially when you consider that there'll be many hours of the day when I

be here.

It'll just be you.

All alone.

A total stranger who walked in here only an hour ago.

And my son.

A helpless child.

Unable to speak or defend himself.

with no real muffled in his tiny baby neck.

A sweet, innocent pawn in whatever bizarre satanic ritual or sick

party you and your twisted friends choose to put him through. And why is it

can start as early as today?

Need a job fast?

On the lam? Maybe the FBI would be interested in your fingerprints, which I

on the coffee mug you just used in the living room.

Oh, yeah, you've got nothing to hide. Look at her run like a rabbit.

Nick at night, searching funniest mom in America.

Hello, everybody.

Good to see you.

How are you?

Hi, guys.

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be home on maternity leave. Is

everything all right, Slugger? Where's the baby? He's home with Eldon taking a

nap. Everything is fine. I've got everything under control.

Well, sure, it was a little tricky at first, but I think I've finally turned

corner. So I just thought since I had a few minutes, I'd stop by the old

sweatshop and thank everybody for the wonderful gift that they sent.

Really, everyone, thank you so much.

Marv, you really outdid yourself this time. I'll treasure your gift for years

come. I sent you a box of Huggies.

Well, I must have been thinking of Lynn. Now that was a thoughtful gift.

I haven't sent you anything yet.

Oh. Well, I guess we know what you'll be doing on your lunch hour.

And just a little hint, I'm up to my ears in those chintzy ornaments that say

Baby's First Christmas.

And I love them all.

Uh, Murph, are you sure you're all right?

Of course I am, Frank.

Happy, relaxed, basking in my role as new mother.

Oh, I just came down to check my mail, return a few phone calls, and I'll be on

my way.

What are we working on? Murphy, would you stop trying to play superwoman?

We can handle things here without you for a little while. Absolutely. As your

boss, I am ordering you to go home and enjoy the magic of these first precious

days with your son.

Oh, God, please don't make me go.

Just let me stay five more minutes. I'm telling you guys, I'm going crazy.

I haven't slept in 72 hours. I don't have time to eat or shower.

Look. Dear Lord, I think she's going to expose herself. I wish I wasn't.

I've been wearing these same lousy pajamas for three days.

None of this is going away. Oh, it would.

I had to hire a lactation nurse to teach us how to breastfeed. Can you believe

it? I finally have a chest, and the only man in my life doesn't know what to do

with it.

You've just got to give yourself a chance. You'll figure all this out. No,

won't, Frank.

This mother stuff is the hardest. hardest thing I've ever done.

And I'm one of the fortunate ones.

I have a secure job, a fairly stable life. I'm educated.

Last night, I bit the head off a stuffed bunny.

I think we've had just about enough of the self -pity.

Instead of dwelling on the difficulties, why not look on the bright side?

After all, in the old days, a woman burying a child out of wedlock would

been stone dead.

Gee, Jim, I hadn't considered that.

My time is up.

And Bessie has to get back to the barn.

Come on.

You're almost there.

The eyelids are fluttering. That's five bucks.

Shuffle it all the way and I'll make it ten.

Drowsy thoughts, that's what we want.

I'll even help you.

Warm milk.

Long car rides.

Paul Songus.

We have touchdown.

Good job, little Abner.

Oh, yeah, little Abner Brown. That'll work.

Well, don't worry.

We'll try again tomorrow.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

It's okay.

It's okay.

That was just an angel singing a little ding -dong song.

And now, Mommy's going to kill that angel.

Hi, Murph. I just stopped by to see if... Oh, he's crying.

No, he's not, Frank. That's me throwing my voice.

Want to see me do it while I drink a glass of water?

It's okay.

It's just Frank.

You remember him from the hospital?

the one that got thrown out for riding a floor buffer.

Murph? He's... He's never gonna stop if you keep holding him like that.

Oh, nice, Frank. First you terrorize my child, and then you blame me for it.

What's wrong with the way I'm holding him? Well, nothing if he's the main

at a luau.

Let me just... Let me have it. Let me have it. Oh, okay.

Shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

That's okay.

Uncle Frankie's here.

What is that, Frank? Where'd you learn to do that?

Hey, you grow up in a family with seven kids, you pick up a few things.

That's good.

Seymour, if you hold him out there in the breeze, he's going to get scared.

You've got to hold him in close. This way he feels secure.

Oh, sometimes it's really great to just rest his head on your left side.

This way he can hear your heartbeat.

Yeah. Wait a minute, Frank. I want to write this stuff down.

Hold, close, secure.

Heartbeat, you're swaying. Why are you swaying? And that patting business,

what's that about?

Murph, you just do them. It feels right.

Oh, great, Frank. You've got better maternal instincts than I do.

Sway, sway, pat, pat, pat.

Murph, would you stop writing this stuff down?

You can't go at it like a reporter.

You've got to just feel your way through it. Now, come on. I want you to give it

a shot. Oh, no, no, no. You're doing fine. Murph, you can do this, and sooner

later, you're going to have to. Now, come on.

Here you go.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

That's not too bad.

Would you just relax?

Loosen up a little bit.

He's not going to break.

You may want to just slow that down a little bit, Merv. Just a touch.

It's more of a sway rather than a bounce.

Oh, jeez. I'm going to give him baby whiplash.

Oh, Frank, this is so weird.

You walk in the hospital alone, and then two days later, they send you out with

a total stranger.

Oh, sure, they tell you he came out of your body, but after 39 hours of labor,

who remembers?

Oh, he's sleeping. You see, you did it. I told you you could.

Amazing.

He's actually sleeping in my arms.

Oh, now this is more like it.

Oh, yeah.

You're a very good partner.

You know, Frank, this is the first time since I came home that I feel like I

just might be able to do this.

You are a lifesaver.

Now, if you want to go for sainthood, all you have to do is watch him

for ten minutes while I take a shower.

Go, take as long a shower as you want. I am just going to sit here and watch the

evening news.

Today in a speech focusing on the American family, Vice President Dan

some strong comments on what he termed a poverty of values, citing Murphy Brown

as an example.

The speech, part of a West Coast campaign swing, was delivered in San

to the Commonwealth Club of California.

It doesn't help matters when primetime TV has Murphy Brown.

He is talking about you.

Today's intelligent, highly paid professional woman.

Mocking the importance of fathers by bearing a child alone and calling it

another lifestyle choice.

Mr. Quill later expanded his remarks to say that he believed examples like

Murphy Brown glamorized single motherhood.

Glamorized single motherhood? What planet is he on?

Look at me, Frank. Am I glamorous?

First night, you look disgusting.

You're damn right.

People in prison get to shower more often than I do.

And what was that crack about just another lifestyle choice? Murph, take it

easy. The baby... I agonized over that decision. I didn't know if I could raise

a kid by myself. I know, I know. I worried about what it would do to him. I

worried about what it would do to me. I didn't just wake up one morning and say,

oh, gee, I can't get in for a facial. I might as well have a baby.

I don't blame you for being angry, but consider the source. I mean, this is the

same guy who gave a speech at the United Negro College Fund and said, what a

waste it is to lose one's mind.

Then he spent the rest of his term showing the country exactly what he

Look, tomorrow he's probably going to get his head stuck in his golf bag and

you'll be old news.

Murph, it's Dan Quayle.

Forget about it.

I want to talk about Dan Quayle.

Dan Quayle.

What can I say? He was the source of many laughs. You're telling me. He was a

very, very funny character. I mean, not believable at all, but hilarious.

Who created him?

I am just going to sit here and watch the evening news.

Today in a speech focusing on the American family, Vice President Dan

some strong comments on what he termed a poverty of values, citing Murphy Brown.

I am just going to sit here and watch the evening news.

Today in a speech focusing on the American family, Vice President Dan

some strong comments on what he termed a poverty of values, citing Murphy Brown

as an example.

The speech part of a West Coast campaign swing was delivered in San Francisco to

the Commonwealth Club of California.

It doesn't help matters when primetime TV has Murphy Brown.

He is talking about you.

Today's intelligent, highly paid professional woman.

the importance of fathers by bearing a child alone and calling it just another

lifestyle choice.

Mr. Quill later expanded his remarks to say that he believed examples like

Murphy Brown glamorize single motherhood.

Glamorize single motherhood? What planet is he on? Look at me, Frank. Am I

glamorous?

Of course not. You look disgusting.

You're damn right.

People in prison get to shower more often than I do.

And what was that crack about just another lifestyle choice? Murph, take it

easy. The baby... I agonized over that decision. I didn't know if I could raise

a kid by myself. I know, I know. I worried about what it would do to him. I

worried about what it would do to me. I didn't just wake up one morning and say,

oh, gee, I can't get in for a facial. I might as well have a baby.

I don't blame you for being angry, but consider the source.

I mean, this is the same guy who gave a speech at the United Negro College Fund

and said, what a waste it is to lose one's mind.

Then he spent the rest of his term showing the country exactly what he

Look, tomorrow he's probably going to get his head stuck in his golf bag and

you'll be old news.

Murph, it's Dan.

Why isn't she making a statement about what's now been labeled Murphygate?

You're keeping her under wraps, Miles. Admit it.

Do I have to remind you that the woman gave birth a week and a half ago to

a nine -pound, seven -ounce baby boy?

This town hasn't heard screams like that since LBJ showed his gallbladder scar

to the Daughters of the American Revolution.

My point is, you don't keep a woman like Murphy Brown quiet. if she doesn't want

to be. Now, if you don't mind, I have a newsroom to run.

Bobby, give me Paris on the phone. Why? Just do it, Bobby.

Come in. Get away from me, you jackals.

And stop blocking the corridors or I'll call the fire marshal and have you all

arrested.

Judas Priest Miles.

How long is this media circus going to last?

What do I look like, Jim? A magic eight ball?

I don't know.

Murphy hasn't returned my calls in three days. And the last time we talked, she

said she had enough to do with the baby and I should handle it. Oh, I'm handling

it all right. I've had so much Mylanta, I'm coughing up chalk.

I'm on a clock here.

Miles, you've got to do something about this every time I turn around and some

reporter's sticking a microphone in my face asking if I know how Murphy feels

about this old quail face.

Look, I know it's tough, Phil. It's hard on all of us right now.

We're a news show. We can't get into a screaming match with the Vice President

of the United States.

Until Murphy's ready to say something, there's nothing we can do.

Well, I hope she doesn't take much longer.

I hate to watch every word I say just because some clown is maybe standing

to me taking notes. He can whisper around in another sleazy headline or

something. Oh, Marv, how could you take in the people you work with just so you

can pick up a little piece of dirt to sell to the highest bidder?

Marv's going to Italy on his vacation next week.

And you're going to love it, too.

Especially the food.

By the way, today's parcel is...

public opinion poll on Murphy.

Amazing. Not only do more people think Murphy would make a better parent than

Van Quayle, they think she'd make a better president, too.

I can't wait to show it to her. This should make up for that TV guide poll

she came in behind Spud McKenzie on a list of celebrities you'd like to have

your house for dinner.

You know, I don't understand how you can joke about this.

I know a lot of people support what Murphy's doing.

What does that mean? You think Murphy's critics are right?

I don't know.

I love Murphy.

And I know she'll make a wonderful mother once she gets a little practice.

And maybe some estrogen supplements.

But I was raised to believe that if you had a child out of wedlock, you were

bad.

Of course, I was also raised to believe a woman's place was in the home,

segregation was good, and presidents never lie.

The White House criticizes Murphy for having a child while they're parading

Terminator around as a role model for young people.

The whole country is talking about family values and decency.

And the most popular movie of the year has a woman dressed like a cat licking a

man dressed like a bat.

And I don't even want to guess how the man in the penguin suit fits in.

is that we all be here for Murphy. If this is tough on us, you can imagine

she's going through. Oh, don't you worry about Murphy. I'll make you a bet that

right now she is at home plotting her revenge. I can just hear the wheels

turning, every fiber of her being focused on one thing, and one thing

Elvin!

Look! His belly button fell off.

piece of his umbilical cord.

Maybe you'd like to announce that to this reporter who's presently rummaging

through your garbage.

Hey! Hey, you!

You stop mixing my glass in aluminum!

What I wouldn't give for a skunk on a rope right now.

Oh, this is so great.

He's an outie just like me.

Eldon, do you realize what this means?

Fewer limb problems?

First landmark in his young life. I have to write this in the baby book.

Let's see.

First smile, first laugh, first tooth, first... Unbelievable, they don't have a

place for it. Well, we'll just have to write it in, won't we, little Billy?

Bobby?

Buster? Buster!

Buster Brown!

Oh, by all means, let's name him after some kid who lives in a shoe with a dog.

Are you aware that... Your eyeballs are moving independently of each other.

When was the last time you slept?

Oh, I don't know. I think I got about 20 minutes three days ago. But it doesn't

matter, Eldon, because I no longer need sleep.

No, lack of sleep has helped me evolve into a higher being who no longer

requires it. Okay, that's it. I'm turning the landing lights on. Beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep. We're bringing the mothership in for a landing.

I want you to come see something out here.

Eldon, get away from there. I told you before, if you just ignore the

they'll go away. You've been saying that all week, and they're still swarming

around my van like a bunch of crazed eight -year -olds, like it's an ice

truck or something. Every time I go out there, I feel like a giant nutty buddy.

You think if I made a statement, it would end this?

It doesn't matter what I say.

Everybody's just going to twist it to fit their own agenda.

Pro -life wants me to speak. Pro -choice wants me to speak.

And pro -breastfeeding wants me to do it on three -dimensional billboards.

Crying out loud, Eldon?

He's a baby, not a political statement.

Why can't I just get the time to know him without 50 million people watching?

Why can't they just leave us alone?

Well, I don't know. Judging from the dozen or so camped out on your stoop, I

think it's going to take more than a simple request.

You know, yesterday I turned the hose on him.

I think they liked it.

Then we'll just stay in here. It's not so bad.

As long as we don't watch TV or read the newspapers or listen to the radio, I'll

just flip through this Life magazine from 1956 and everything will be fine.

Oh, look.

Grace Kelly's getting married.

Okay, so to recap, we're going to spend the rest of our lives locked up here

in... Casa de Paranoia.

And if the boy should ever want to venture outside, I'll just tell him,

that his mother thinks the world is a mean and terrible place.

I'm just trying to protect him, Eldon. Isn't that what a mother's supposed to

do? Oh, look, I don't know what a mother's supposed to do, but I just know

this kid's mother used to be someone who tried to make the world a better place,

not shut it out.

And maybe, just maybe one day I'll tell him what she was like before she turned

into that.

Crazy old lady sitting in the corner playing with a shriveled up piece of

button.

You know, for a guy who says he prefers pictures to words, your Uncle Eldon can

sure ramble on.

It's very annoying.

Especially when he's right.

I was hoping you'd be a little older before you got into your first fight

something your mother did, but I guess that's not going to happen.

So what are you going to do?

Well, for starters, this.

Sullivan, you want a quote?

Get your head out of my garbage can and come over here.

I'm going to give you an exclusive.

Closer.

Yeah, that's better. Come on.

Eldon, hand me that diaper pail.

Listen up. This is your mother.

You're watching.

Murphy, are you sure you're up to this? Because if you need to back out, we can

always fill the spot.

There's Corky's piece on California wineries we never aired.

We'll just cut the part where she put the wastebasket on her head and crowned

herself the queen of the grape.

Don't worry, Miles. Don't forget, this is the one place where I've always known

what I was doing.

All right, two minutes to air, people.

Can I get you anything, Murphy?

Oh, just keep an eye on me in case I doze off, John.

There's no need to worry. I have a squirt gun filled with ice water.

It's the same one we used the night we interviewed Gerald Ford.

Here you go, Murph. I got you some tea. How you feeling?

I feel good, Frank.

And she looks good, too, doesn't she? Uh -huh. And, Murphy, I've read that

sometimes just thinking about your baby can stimulate milk production in a

nursing mother.

So keep your mind off that certain someone.

Because people forget about unwed mothers. But staining a blouse on

television is something they'll talk about forever.

I'd rather say, Corky, the woman is a professional.

I'm not in any danger, am I?

I just wanted to tell you, not all Republicans feel the same as the Vice

President. Some of us respect you, support you, and love you.

Desperately.

Thank you for your support, Carl. I'm just sorry they turned down my request

speak on your behalf at the Republican Convention.

It's who you know.

All right, let's go.

In five, four, three, two... Good evening

and welcome to a...

information tonight, we focus on a subject that has become the center of a

national debate.

To begin, we turn to reporter Murphy Brown.

Thank you, Jim.

The American family and American values.

This reporter has a unique perspective on the topic because in a recent speech,

Vice President Quayle used me as an example of the poverty of values in this

country and implied that I was a poor role model for our nation's youth.

While some might argue that attacking my status as a single mother was nothing

more than a cynical bit of election year posturing, I prefer to give the vice

president the benefit of the doubt.

These are difficult times for our country, and in searching for the causes

our social ills, we could choose to blame the media, or the Congress, or an

administration that's been in power for 12 years, or we could blame me.

And while I will admit that my inability to balance a checkbook may have had

something to do with the collapse of the savings and loan industry, I doubt that

my status as a single mother has contributed all that much to the

Western civilization.

But tonight's program should not be simply about blame.

The vice president says he felt it was important to open a dialogue about

values, and on that point, we agree.

Unfortunately... It seems that for him, the only acceptable definition of a

family is a mother, a father, and children.

And in a country where millions of children grow up in non -traditional

families, that definition seems painfully unfair.

Perhaps it's time for the Vice President to expand his definition and recognize

that whether by choice or circumstance, families come in all shapes and sizes.

And ultimately, what really defines a family?

is commitment, caring, and love.

With that in mind, I'd like to introduce you to some people who might not fit

into the Vice President's vision of a family, but they consider themselves

families nonetheless.

They work, they struggle, they hope for the kind of life for their children that

we all want for our children.

And these are the people we should be paying attention to.

Welcome to FYI.

Would you introduce yourself, please?

Yes. I'm Mary Bailey, and this is my daughter.

Cameron. Hello.

And you, ma 'am?

I'm Nadine, and this is my son, Manuel.

Hello. And you, sir? I am Jim, and this is my son, Shannon.

And you? And I'm Julie, and this is Jacqueline. Thank you.

Come on. You loved this yesterday.

You can't change the rules on me now.

You know, this has been a long day for me, too.

You've got to give me a little credit.

Mommy was a total professional today.

That's right.

Mommy took the high road.

And Mommy hates taking the high road.

But that's what we do when we're on the air.

As we're off the air, that's a different story.

Okay, so you're bored with the swaying, huh?

All right, we can handle that.

How about we add a little music?

Anyone else cheers me up?

Motown. See if we can find some Elisa or Smokey.

Oh. Well, this is a chance to warn you about a very dark period in the history

of music.

Oh, no.

You're too young.

Let's just move on before... Hey!

You're quieting down.

Oh, well, this is... Oh,

no, you can't be serious.

Not Barry Manilow.

How about The Temptations or The Supremes? The Four Tops?

Is this a payback for that time I ate those nuns out of the carpool lane on

Beltway?

All right, all right, if it's that important to you.

But I'm warning you. This is a one -shot deal. It's just because you're family

20 on your AM dial.

Now for the news.

Well, our vice president woke up to a surprise this morning. Seems someone

deposited over 1 ,000 pounds of potatoes in his driveway.

It says here no one's claimed responsibility.

Yeah, well, I got a vague idea.

And, you know, I believe I speak for everyone when I say enough with the

jokes already.

And, Mr. Vice President, just be glad you didn't misspell fertilizer.

I love the Jim Dial voice.

Could you say this is Nick at night?

This is Nick at night. Stay tuned for Murphy Brown.

Stay tuned for Murphy Brown. Moe isn't in right now. Leave a message at the

channel. My good friend Moe isn't here right now.

Oh, you scamp.