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you, the dream was so incredibly vivid. My body kept expanding until it filled

the entire building.

They called out the Army, the Air Force. No one could stop me.

Ted Koppel tried to interview me and I ate him.

You all want to talk about weird dreams. I had a crazy one last night. You got

to hear this. It's hilarious.

You all know that new network publicity guy we met the other day, Rick?

Okay, so in this dream, I'm giving him a tour of Washington.

All of a sudden, he gets really excited and he starts pointing at the Washington

Monument. The next thing I know, we're racing each other up the stairs, running

faster and faster until we just shoot right out the top.

You shot out of the Washington Monument?

Like we were blown out of a cannon. It was like...

And then, and then, instead of falling, we started to float all the way down to

the reflecting pool. And when we hit the water, Rick turns into a dolphin.

We swam, we frolicked. It was incredible.

What? What's the matter?

What does that mean exactly, you frolicked?

Miles, I don't quite know how to say this, but...

You just described the classic homoerotic dream.

Get out of here!

Miles had a sex dream about another man?

I did not!

There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Lots of people have homoerotic dreams.

Have you? Are you kidding?

What about you, Corky? No. Murphy?

Not that I can remember, Jim. Absolutely not. I've never had a dream in my

entire life.

Everybody dreams.

Well, I don't. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

And, Miles, I'm going to consider this whole unfortunate incident the result of

that bad tuna salad you ate yesterday.

I suggest we all do the same.

Miles, Miles, I wouldn't worry about this. There is a logical explanation for

all dreams. Now, you probably picked up on the fact that Rick was gay. What do

you think? Wait a minute. Rick's not gay?

Of course he is. Come on, Murph. He was standing right next to me when we met

him. Don't tell me you didn't notice anything.

Well, like what? Was he wearing a T -shirt with a picture of a woman on it

a big red line through it?

Wait a minute.

Did I say the Washington Monument? I meant a monument in Washington, but not

tall pointy one.

Look, Murph, I'm not making any value judgments here. I mean, I don't care

Rick is gay, but he is gay.

Based on what? The Frank Fontana gay -o -meter?

All right, let's start with the watch.

Worn on the inside of the wrist and the hair, mousse. And did you happen to

notice the color coordination between the tie and the socks?

Honestly, Frank, I've never heard such nonsense in my life.

You can't tell if someone's gay from things like that.

If you want to find out, you just tell him he's got something on his heel.

If he looks at it like this, he's straight.

If he looks at it like this...

I mean, come on. You can't deny the fact that Rick was attracted to me. Oh,

please. You said the same thing at the Kennedy Center when you met Jessica

Tandy.

You know, now that I think about it, it might have been the Jefferson Memorial.

Frank, Rick is not gay. How do I know? Because I'm a woman. We can always tell.

In fact, I have such confidence in my intuition that I will stake my entire

reputation as a female on it. Oh, you're on. And if I'm wrong, I'll, uh, what,

what? I'll go down to the lobby and do my impression of Root Gorge.

Oh, this is going to be so easy.

Yup, it was definitely the Jefferson Memorial.

A round building, sort of breast -shaped.

Guess I have only one thing on my mind, huh?

They're eccentric.

They're...

first week in Washington. Tell you the truth, Murphy, I've been so busy, I

haven't even had a chance to see anything yet.

Not even the Washington Monument?

Well, we've got to get you out on a tour, don't we, Miles?

Oh, yeah, you bet.

Uh, so, uh, where'd you pick up that at the newsstand? Oh, how beautiful.

You get this, don't you, Murph?

Anything in... in here? I myself have never read one.

Well, they've got some terrific decorating ideas, and since all I've got

now is a bed, a television, and a lamp I carry with me from room to room, I

figured I could use the help.

Hey, what's this? Road and track.

So you're one of those guys who's really into cars, huh?

Only one car.

59 Corvette.

You know, it's a good thing I have a job where I spend all my time hunting down

spare parts.

You have an old Corvette?

So did Frank.

Hey, Frank, looks like you guys have something in common.

It's an addiction, isn't it, Frank?

But it keeps me busy on the weekends now that the football season's over.

So, uh, you're into football, huh?

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

Someone else to get into our betting pool. We bet on all kinds of stuff,

although he usually loses.

Don't you, Ruth?

You know, actually, I've been thinking this betting thing, Merle. I think we've

been doing too much of it lately. As a matter of fact, uh...

I want to cancel our last bet.

Frank, you can't get out of a bet once you're in.

Oh, she's right, Frank.

What did you bet on? Whoa, look at him time.

I wasn't even going to think Rick got lost on his way to work. You know what,

you're right. Miles, take a look at these, okay? These are the ideas for new

promos, all right? I want to talk to you about them when you have a chance.

Absolutely, as soon as my schedule clears up. Great.

Oh, Rick, you got something on your heel.

and yes, I'm gay.

Oh, my God.

He knew.

He knew.

You people have embarrassed us all.

Prying into a man's life like that. What have you got to say for yourselves?

Get back.

Rick again, I can understand why you'd find him attractive.

Don't find him attractive.

It was just a dream.

Uh -huh.

If I had any reason to spend even one more minute of my life thinking about

this, I'd see a professional.

Well, Miles, your dream could be interpreted as a manifestation of

the direction your life is headed.

Now, the young man in your dream is a network representative, a representative

of the very place that creates anxiety for you. Now, by frolicking with him,

you, in a sense, turn the network into something friendly.

It's actually a very healthy way of coping.

Or the dream could be an indication you're gay.

So, when you shot out of the Washington Monument, a classic phallic symbol, and

landed in the reflecting pool, which of course suggests female qualities, water,

womb, the mother.

You could have been trying to reject the aggressive hostility of a male

-dominated society.

All in all, it's a positive sign of your desire to grow as a spiritual being.

Or, the dream could be an indication you're gay.

Reflecting pool, by definition, would be a place where one could see oneself.

By diving into it, you were attempting to merge with those parts of yourself

which you thought you had lost. So, we might interpret the dream as a desire to

integrate all aspects of your personality.

Yeah, yeah.

Or it means I'm gay.

Why would you say that?

Frank, let me ask you something.

You've been in therapy for a long time, haven't you? Not really. 13 or 14 years.

It sounds to me like this field of therapy is full of experts who don't

what they're talking about. I mean, if a therapist was attempting to, say,

analyze a dream... Oh, Miles, you're not still thinking about that dream, are

you? Look, the other day I was just playing armchair analyst.

Really? If you want to know what it means, you should go and talk to a

professional. I've been to a professional, Frank.

In the last five days, I've been to six of them.

And I now know conclusively that I love my mother, hate my father, hate my

mother, love my father, have a fear of success, a fear of failure, and at the

age of five, either saw my Uncle Max make love to my Aunt Sarah or eat a

with his hands.

The only thing they all agreed on is that the Washington Monument is a

symbol and I might be gay.

Did you get that?

Totally ridiculous, isn't it?

You have to pay good money for professional help.

Then again, I'm 30 years old, Frank.

Have you had to have any kind of a committed, stable relationship with a

That doesn't mean anything. I'm 40 and I haven't had one.

But you get me into a game of football with the guys and I'm totally relaxed.

We're chasing each other around, slapping each other on the butt. I'm

feel good.

Excuse me, I've got to go call my therapist.

Frank, Frank, I'm so amazed... Get out of my way, Jim.

Look, you have to hear this.

I had a dream last night.

My first dream in 55 years.

And just like your dream, it involved a fascinating experience with another man.

Really, Jim? You had one too?

He was a salesman in a shoe department at Hatt's.

He was hoping to bring me a pair of black wingtips.

But when he returned, I noticed with dismay the shoes he was carrying were

brown. I told him I had no interest in brown. I wanted black.

Without saying a word, he returned to the stockroom and brought me what I'd

asked for.

I paid for them, not the store.

Yeah? What happened then?

Nothing. I woke up.

I can't believe this.

I tell you the deepest part of my psyche, and you're telling me a dream

getting lousy service at Hex?

Sorry we didn't strip down to our shorts and smear each other with boot cream.

That's still a reason to be insulting.

And I'm proud of my dream.

Oh, Mark. I have to tell you about a remarkable dream I had last night. I was

the shoe department.

You know it?

Miles.

There you are.

I've been thinking about your sexual situation.

And I have a suggestion.

There is no situation.

It was a dream about sightseeing. That's all.

Miles, I know this must be a confusing time for you.

But I think it's better to face something head on. than to just run away

it. That's why I think you should go see my minister.

Corky, I'm Jewish.

Why would I go see a minister?

Because he's gay.

Would it make you feel uncomfortable if I had the two of you over for dinner?

Oh, gee, Corky, I... Nothing big.

Just the four of us.

And if he can't offer you any peace of mind, maybe you'll hit it off.

I just want you to be happy.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

I have to ask you something,

and I don't know how to do it.

I want you to look at me.

From your perspective, as a member of the female persuasion, do you see a

regular guy, or do you see someone who, deep down inside, wants to frolic with a

dolphin?

really a classic.

You get a hangnail, it's gangrene. You get a headache, it's a tumor.

You have a dream about Flipper and you're gay.

I can't help it.

Dreams are the subconscious.

Sometimes they force you to look at things you'd rather not look at.

What if you had the same dream, only it was you and Vicki in accounting?

I'd never pick Vicki. She wears sweater sets. I hate sweater sets.

Murphy, I'm serious about this.

All right, all right. I can see that.

Okay.

Let's assume, just for the sake of argument, that you are gay.

What would that change?

As far as I'm concerned, nothing.

You'd still be a brilliant producer, and as much as you drive me crazy, we'd

still be friends.

I don't know.

I've spent my entire life looking at myself in a certain way, and now I

realize I might be somebody completely different. I really wish there was

something I could do to help, but I have to tell you I'm at a loss here.

Actually, there is something you can do. What?

Look sexy.

Excuse me? I still find women attractive. I know I do.

I thought your hair... What, your lips? No!

Work with me here, Murphy. This is ridiculous.

Oh, you're right.

I can't get turned on by you. You're as big as a house. Hey!

Maybe I'll ask Rita in the art department.

She's hot.

Oh, God, listen to me. Hot.

Now I'm talking like a contestant on studs.

I'm a very centered person.

I'm so happy to be me right now.

Thanks for the talk, Murphy.

Let's do it again sometime.

Miles, terrific. I've been looking for you. You are? Looking for me?

Why would you be looking for me? Because it's been four days and we still

haven't talked about those promos. Now, I checked with your secretary and you're

free for lunch. So, come on. I'm fine.

Oh, great.

Great.

Gorky, where'd Miles go?

On a date.

We stress experience, continuity, and quality.

You know, maybe a series of shots of your anchors over the years with some of

their biggest stories.

Good, good. I like it. Well, how about that? Bullseye on the first one.

So, no sense in wasting an hour of our valuable time. Wait a minute. That's

one idea. I've got five more.

Well, hey, when you pick gold on your first try, there's no sense in digging

somewhere else. Now, if you want to stay for lunch or anything you want, you

tell Phyllis on me.

Whoa, whoa, Miles.

Enough is enough.

Look, I'm not an idiot.

You've been avoiding me for days, and when I finally corner you, you've got

foot out the door.

Now, the problem can't be with my work because you don't know it yet, so that

means it's got to be me.

You?

I have no problem with you. Why would I have a problem with you? Because I'm

gay. You are?

Oh, please save that. Completely slipped my mind.

No, I have no problem with you being gay. I'm completely comfortable with it.

Phil? Phil?

Over here.

Hold your horses, Miles.

I'll clear this away and be back in a minute. Phil, I want you to meet Rick,

new publicist. A real interesting guy. Phil's interesting, too. Phil, join us.

You and Rick can have a real interesting conversation.

Miles, I gotta wait for something with the flu and the Supreme Court's tied up

two booze trying to convince Clarence Thomas the new guy always picks up the

check. So nice to meet you, Rick.

Hey, hey, hey!

I told you guys no gavels on the table!

Look, Miles, we've gotta talk about this.

Now, whether you admit it or not... You've got a problem with me.

I spent a lot of years pretending I was someone else because I was afraid.

Afraid of all the whispers, afraid of losing my job.

But when you've been to as many funerals as I have lately, you realize life is

too valuable to spend hiding in a closet.

So you're going to have to deal with me as I am because I'm not going to change.

I'm sorry, Rick.

I haven't been honest.

You were right.

I am uncomfortable.

But it's not because of who you are.

Because I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am.

You.

Are you kidding?

Oh, man, no wonder you're stressed out. Look, Miles, I want you to know that I

understand what you're going through. You know, I came out kind of late, too.

Oh, hey, I'm not out yet. I'm in. Way in.

It's okay. I mean, I didn't mean to push you.

Believe me, I fought it for a long time myself.

I tried to ignore it.

And when that didn't work, I went to a shrink. And when I didn't like what he

said, I went to another one. And then another one. I was a bastard.

I must have driven my friends crazy.

Oh, God.

Look, Miles, I don't want to pry, but I just hope that whatever recent

experience you had, you made sure it was safe.

Oh, don't worry.

It was completely safe.

I was alone at the time.

I think I just missed something here.

All right, I'll tell you.

I had a dream.

It involved me, a man I work with, and a certain Washington landmark.

I can't say anything more, except that frolicking was involved.

Wait a minute. Are you saying that you think you're gay because you had a

I mean, come on, Miles. There's got to be something more than that.

Like what?

Well, an attraction to other men might help.

Okay.

Look around the bar, okay? Is there any man here that you find attractive?

Not really.

Actually, neither do I. Okay, forget that.

Is there any man anywhere that you find attractive?

I've always wanted to be Kevin Costner. Does that count?

You're not getting it.

If you want to be with Kevin Costner, then it counts.

Do you want to be with Kevin Costner?

Oh, Miles.

You know, contrary to public opinion, gay men do not spend all their time

fantasizing about other men. I mean, do you have sexual thoughts about every

woman in your office?

Well, yeah.

Let me see if I, you know, got this right.

You're not attracted to men. You are attracted to women.

And so far, your total gay experience consists of one dream?

Miles, I'm not sure how to tell you this, but don't expect to be homecoming

queen in next year's gay pride parade.

Oh, man.

You must think I'm such an idiot.

It's okay.

You know, sexuality can be pretty complicated.

Especially with the messages we get. You know, you do a TV show with two men

having a meaningful conversation in bed, and people go nuts.

But you do a show with two guys tearing each other up with machine guns, those

same people watch it at dinner with their kids.

It still doesn't excuse the way I acted. Look.

Cart's on the table.

The guy in my dream was you.

And I was afraid that if we spent any time together, something might happen.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

It's hysterical.

I mean, you're not even my doctor.

Why not?

Do you really care?

No.

You're right.

You're right.

What do you say we order and get back to work? Sounds great.

One question before we do.

My friend Jeff thinks that somebody on your staff is really attractive.

Do you think maybe you could help me set something up?

I'll try. Who is it?

Frank.

Frank?

Frank's not gay.

Come on.

Only moms in America. Only one is the funniest.

I'm the single mom. And, uh, what? Shut up. You're so hot. How could that be?

Who will it be?

Watch Nick at Night Search for the funniest mom in America Tuesday at 10

Nick at Night.