All language subtitles for murphy_brown_s04e12_be_it_ever_so_humboldt

Boy, the nerve of some people. You know
what Carmelo, the parking attendant,

said to me?

He said, are you ready for this? He
said, I'm looking round in the face.

Can you believe that? I mean, I know
that my stomach is starting to pop, but

round in the face? What do you think,
Jim?

I think you should ask Frank first. I'll
be able to give you a better answer

after I hear his. Frank?

Well, Murph, I think your face is
starting to look a little, you know,

wheel of cheese.

Very nice, Frank. Next you'll be telling
me I should be headlining in the main

tank at SeaWorld.

You said you wanted to know what we
thought.

Well, I lied. I'm a great big cheese
-faced liar.

It's not fair.

The baby's in my stomach. Why should my
face get fat?

This proves it.

God is definitely a man.

Hello, hello, hello.

Do we all know what day it is? Let me
guess. It's some Louisiana holiday where

they let you marry someone who isn't a
relative.

Murphy, fat people are supposed to be
jolly.

Today is Humboldt Awards nomination day.

Winning two years ago helped me so much
as a journalist.

And if I win again, I won't have to hear
the word fluke come up nearly as much.

Humboldt nomination day, my least
favorite day of the year next to my

exam.

No wonder both days I end up feeling the
same way.

about, Frank. You've been nominated
every year for the last ten years. And

year I've lost. This is how the Humboldt
Committee gets their kick.

They're probably printing T -shirts.
Frank Fontana now celebrating his second

decade of loserdom.

Jim, you host the awards banquet. Have
you heard anything?

Actually, I no longer host the awards.
They've given someone else a turn. Oh,

no, no, no. It's quite a relief, really.
Who needs the extra work?

Although, I do wish they'd called before
I started polishing my material.

Now no one will get to hear, for
example, I took my young niece down to

carousel by the Smithsonian the other
day and ran into a bit of a problem.

She wanted to ride the pink swan, but
Dan Quayle wouldn't get off.

I don't know where I get it.

The awards committee has probably
delivered the list of nominations to

now. You know his routine. He gets off
the elevator and tries to make a big

announcement. I don't know why he
bothers. It's so obvious. If he avoids

eye contact with you, you're not
nominated.

Hey there, boys and girls.

Yes, it's a wonderful day in the
neighborhood.

Do you know why? I hold the answer right
here.

Good morning, Miles.

Gertie, hi.

I'm over here, Miles.

Can I get you a cup of coffee? No, no,
that's okay.

Oh, God.

Hi, Miles.

Hello, Frank. I knew it. I knew it. I
knew I'd be nominated. You can't lose

unless you're nominated.

Okay, something's going on here. Murphy?
Yes. Okay, let's hear it. Who's my

competition? You know already?

When I find out who is leaking
information from my office... Yeah,

without pay. Boil an oil. Let's hear the
nomination.

Let's see.

Editing sports.

Here it is.

Individual achievement in broadcast news
reporting.

The nominees are... Frank, me, not
Corky. Who else?

There is no joy left in this job.

Leslie Stahl was nominated instead of
me.

Why? Because she broke some scandal on
black market babies in Romania?

How is that more interesting than my
profile on Marvin Hamlisch?

She's going to act like... You know
what?

I have had it with this stupid Humboldt.
I am not going to the awards. If I want

to be rejected and humiliated, I'll
visit my parents.

Very nice speech.

Did everyone notice the way he thanked
his executive producer?

Just something to think about. People
are looking at my dread, aren't they? I

swear, a little mosquito netting and a
big zipper down the front and I could

sleep four in here.

Well, that little jacket thing is
attractive.

It is not.

I'm only wearing it because the sales
lady said my upper arms looked heavy.

First it's my face, now my upper arms.
It's only a matter of time before I

completely block out the sun.

At least you look better than Leslie
Stahl over there. She looks like someone

buttered her and rolled her in sequins.

I did it again.

What is happening to me?

Oh, who cares?

Hey, Leslie, put your coat on. You're
blinding me.

I still can't figure out why they asked
Harry Smith to host the awards.

Couldn't they just send a dentist from
table to table to scrape our gums?

Put a picture on the cover of the
program.

Never did that for me.

Well, I think I'll use old Harry's face
as a coaster.

How do you like that, pretty boy?

I still can't believe Frank isn't
showing up. I mean, who's going to

award for him if he wins?

That's it.

Nope. Thanks.

All set.

Do you have a ticket?

It's okay.

I'm supposed to be in there, but I'm
probably going to stand out here for a

minutes and then I'll leave. You have to
have a ticket.

I have a ticket. I just don't want to go
in. Why?

It's a long story, really. Where's your
ticket? Oh, man.

Before we present our next award, How
about a big hand for the man who so

graciously stepped aside so that I could
be at this podium tonight, Mr. Jim

Dial. Jim, stand up. Take a bow.

We're happy to see that this will end a
lot of debate. We now know that, in

fact, Jim can bend at the waist.

here just this last week with my little
boy, and I decided to take him over to

see the carousel.

He wanted to ride the purple ostrich,
but Dan Quayle wouldn't get on.

Let's get down to the business at hand,
shall we? The nominees for the Everett

M. Humboldt Award for Individual
Achievement in Broadcast News Reporting

I need a ticket.

You're not listening to me. I don't want
to go in. I just want to stand out here

and occasionally look inside.

Check it, please. This is ridiculous.

Look, I don't want to pull rank, but do
you know who I am? Check it.

And the winner is...

Frank Fontana, FYI, death in Dade
County.

I shrug this off and pretend it doesn't
mean anything to me. It means a lot.

I don't want to go into too much detail,
but I have a slight self -confidence

problem, coupled with a need to
scrutinize every detail of my life until

hope of joy has been crushed.

Anyway, I really thank you, and I've got
to thank the best team in the news

business, my good friend, Murphy Brown.

Frank. Welcome to the Winners Club, old
pal.

Wow, look at all of that victory loot.
That was always the best part about

winning. Free stuff you don't need from
people you don't like. God, I hate that.

Actually, these presents are for you
guys.

Just my way of saying thanks for all
your support because I couldn't have

it without you. Well, thank you, Brian.
He's so nice.

Ah, there he is. Get over here. I got a
present for you, buddy.

Why, hello, everyone. It's me, Buddy.
Buddy Silverman.

excitement of the moment. I'm really
sorry.

Look, I got a present for you. Thank you
so very much. Hope it isn't engraved.

Okay, people, let's get to work.

Murphy, you were going to give us an
overview about your piece about the

transportation of hazardous chemicals?

Before you get started, I just want to
put this out here so

you can all see it. Just a kind of
reminder of what we can achieve if we

work at it.

Nice thought, Frank.

Go ahead, Murphy.

Right, well, now, as all of you know, a
number of serious toxic spills have

occurred, and a lot of these have been
in thickly populated residential areas.

Murphy, we stop. We stop? I would just
like to make one comment on what I've

heard so far. Now, maybe I'm wrong,
although after last night, I think I

better idea of what our peers respond to
and reward.

I think you should lighten up on the
gloom and doom stuff. You know, Frank, I

don't know how you can lighten up on
toxic spills. Frank, the Washington Post

on line three.

Just mull it over.

I've got to do a quick interview with
the Post. I've been getting calls all

morning. Do you mind, Miles? Well,
actually... Hello, Frank Fontana.

Well, thanks a lot.

But, you know, what does it really come
down to? Just two more words on the old

obituary, right?

I tell you, you know, it's very
difficult for the average reporter,

to be until last night.

You're really kind to Frank. You've got
a lot of work today. Tick, tick, tick.

Look, I'm going to have to call you
back. I've got some people waiting for

Right. You got it.

Okay. So, where were we? Oh, right,
right, right. We were fixing Murphy's

You know, Frank, I can think of
something I'd like to see fixed.

Believe me, I know where you're coming
from, but don't let last night's

disappointment keep you from accepting
some valuable criticism.

Which reminds me, Jim, sometimes you
don't ask me the right follow -up

after some of my pieces. I was thinking,
if I gave you the questions before we

went on the air, it would make things
cleaner and easier.

And a lot like Hollywood Squares.

Just a sec.

My agent is on line one. Kathleen
Sullivan is on line two. Whoa, who do I

hold?

You guys gather the villagers. Make sure
they have their pitchforks and their

torches. I'll call Baron Von Humboldt
and tell him that the monster has

Frank, look at this memo you sent me.
You're dropping... the story on the

at the fish cannery at Wisconsin and I'm
supposed to finish it up?

Murphy, fish, Wisconsin. It's not a
humble story.

Frank, I have my own work to do. I don't
have time to pick up whatever you

decide to drop. Frank, Matt, we're with
you, please.

Miles, if it's about the fish... Don't
worry, no fish. Forget the fish.

I just came from the legal department.

They said they had something to show me.

They handed me this box.

Recognize it, Frank?

No. Well, then, let's just look inside,
shall we?

Does this look familiar?

I don't believe it. It's here already.

What is that thing?

It's the Frank Fontana action figure.

My publicist got in touch with a
Japanese toy manufacturer and sold him

idea. Oh, my God. I looked inside the
box and there was a little you in there.

I almost had a heart attack.

If someone's going to shrink my anchor
people, I want to be told.

Oh, wow. Look what you get with me.

There's my trench coat.

Oh, a little bulletproof vest.

A tuxedo for suave nights out after a
hard day of investigative reporting.

You can't do this. Journalists aren't
supposed to endorse products, much less

little versions of themselves.

With realistic arm motion for launching
grenades.

Oh, wow.

Can I keep this?

This and the little beachwear ensemble.

There have to be limits.

First year an action figure, next year a
sugar -coated breakfast cereal.

Great crispies. No, it's over.

Miles, I'm doing this. I'm doing this,
and that is the end of the discussion.

Okay, Corky.

I looked at the rough cut of your visit
to the Vatican.

I think we should cut the part where you
ask the Pope how he gets his wife so

white. I liked it.

I didn't love it. I can only give it
three humbles.

I'll try to live with the shame.

Excuse us, Mr.

Fontana. Yes?

I'm Mr.

Praskin. And I'm Mr. Shulamson. We're
with the public accounting firm of

Markell, Kolodner, and Weiss. Can we
speak with you privately?

No. No more interruptions, Frank. If you
want to talk to your accountants, you

do it here and now and get it over with.
We are not Mr.

Fontana's accountants. No, our firm was
in charge of tabulating the votes for

the Humboldt Awards.

And you want an autograph, right?

You see, last month, one of the fellas
in the office had just purchased a

multifunction calculator with a
paperless printer.

Man, that puppy was built for action,
huh?

And, well, our attentions were not where
they should have been, and...

Well, we made an error in tabulating the
votes.

And it won by even more than you
thought?

I'm sorry,

Mr. Fontana, but you were given the
award in error.

What does that mean?

Given the award in error?

I don't understand. What does that mean?

You didn't win.

What does that mean?

I didn't win?

Why?

It's funny. I've been working on the
Humboldts for many years, and when I saw

your name at the top of the list, I
thought to myself, this can't be right.

I don't know why I didn't go back and
check the totals right then and there.

Just one moment.

Don't tell me you intend to strip him of
his award. What about the man's

dignity? Right. So you made a mistake.
No one has to know. Let him keep it.

That wouldn't be fair to the rightful
winner.

Who happens to be you, Miss Brown?

Congratulations, Murph.

Oh, Frank.

This isn't how I want it to win.

This is your award. You deserve it much
more than I do.

I'm going to have to decline.

Well, this is most unusual, but if you
decline the award, it does go to the

person receiving the next most votes.

And that would be Ed Bradley.

Then me?

Then Diane Sawyer.

Then me?

Leslie Stahl.

Then me?

Then you.

So, since Miss Brown declines the award,
it goes to Mr. Bradley.

Please, Mr. Fontana, I'm a CPA.

Don't make this any more difficult than
it already is.

Again, we're just thick about this.

Keep up the good work, everyone.

Way to fight this, Frank.

We'll sue.

for public embarrassment and gross
humiliation.

Frank, are you all right?

Let me get you a drink of water.

Never mind.

What the hell is in my hand?

It's a small symbol that said Frank
Fontana was actually good.

And it was taken away.

I told my parents about the award.

My mother cried.

My father.

Father said he was proud of me.

First time in my life I was proud.

I gotta get out of here.

I lost.

I lost.

I've ever seen Frank that upset.

Well, we've pulled some pretty amazing
practical jokes, but this time I think

we've gone too far.

There's nothing you can say to make it
any better, really.

But there is something I have to tell
you.

There's one thing that's kept me going.

And that's knowing what kind of friend
you are.

I mean, when you turned down that award,
well, that's the thin string I'm

clinging to right now.

Frank, I have a confession to make.

Get ready to wake up.

Those two guys who came to take your
Humboldt yesterday, here it comes.

They were actors.

Is that a riot?

You were acting obnoxious in a sweet
sort of way, so we hired them to play a

little joke on you.

Terrible idea, Frank. I'm really sorry.

Look.

Here's your Humboldt.

Go ahead.

Don't feel you have to hold back. Yell,
scream.

I only pray that it won't affect the
emotional development of my unborn

I won?

I really won?

Oh, man, the pain.

Geez, Frank, you're depressed when you
lose, you're depressed when you win. You

don't leave yourself a lot of choices.
What's the matter with you? I'll tell

what's the matter with me. I'm sick.

I let this award take control of me.

If I lose, I must be bad. If I win, I
must be good.

Look, I even built a little shrine for
it.

I went out and bought two chairs so I
could sit with a guest and look at it.

I bought furniture, Murph. What was I
thinking?

Oh, jeez, am I a mess.

You are not a mess. Don't even say that.

spinning circles on the surface.

I went way beyond being crazy. I am
thick and twisted. You really wouldn't

understand.

Oh, wouldn't I?

Let me tell you something, Frank.

When your name was announced as winner,
you know what?

I hated you.

You did?

Yeah, well, just for a brief flash, two
or three days, but it was hate.

Oh, come on.

You're just saying that to make me feel
better. No, it's true.

I wanted you in a full body cast with an
itch and an ugly nurse.

A nurse?

We're both sick and twisted.

Hey, that's why we're friends.

Now, what do you say? Are we okay on
this?

Okay. Great. Come on. I'll buy you
something to eat.

You're on.

Why don't you go ring for the elevator?
I'm going to grab my coat. Okay.

Things change when you become a
millionaire.

You've got to go to hoity -toity
parties.

You've got to converse with the
absolutely fabulous people.

You've got to work on your big laugh.

Roseanne is next.