Original subtitles

Well, all I am saying is don't ever call me at one in the morning again.

I was having this great dream where I was locked in a mattress warehouse with

Julia Roberts.

Then you called.

When I got back to sleep, Julia was wearing a black lace teddy, but she had

head.

You are so selfish, Frank. At least when I called Jim, he had the decency to

listen to my problem. No, I didn't, you little twit.

Halfway through your babbling, I put the phone under the bed. That sympathetic

breathing you heard was my dog, Trickster.

Incredible.

I'm having a major personal life crisis, and my friends don't care.

You believe this, Corky?

Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

Oh, come on!

I'm in pain here!

Been under a lot of pressure lately, okay?

The past several months, my girlfriend Audrey has been dropping little hints

about us moving in together.

Then last week, she lost her job at the British Embassy, which means she doesn't

have any money coming in, which means she can't pay her rent, which means

lose her apartment, which means the train is moving and I feel like a cow on

tracks!

Don't even try to say hello, no time. When a story like this lands in your

small talk and salutations just have to wait.

Good morning, Murphy.

I need a few minutes of your time.

But first, I want to thank you for blowing a whistle into the phone when I

called last night. Mine? I'm sure it was all mine. Now, check this out. One of

my sources just gave me a tip linking three members of Congress to an IRS

scandal. Diane Sawyer's already on to the story, so I have to move fast.

I need someone to get me a contact sheet on the IRS, do a lot of digging in the

congressional record. I need a good secretary of my own to get me one.

you know as well as I do, personnel can't legally assign you anyone until

last secretary's case goes to trial.

What I wanted to talk to you about was... Knock, knock.

Hello, Miles.

Hello, Murphy.

Audrey, what are you doing here?

One of my job interviews cancelled.

I was feeling kind of down, so I thought I'd stop by and get some sunshine from

my pootie.

Hey, hey, don't you worry. You'll find something.

You're a terrific secretary.

Just terrific.

Murphy, I don't know if I told you, but Audrey lost her job. Her secretarial

job. And isn't it funny? Just moments ago, you were saying you needed a

secretary. Mm -hmm, yes, I was.

What a shame you established that clear but firm rule prohibiting the hiring of

family and friends.

It's so sweet of you to try to bend the rules for me, but it's not necessary.

I'm very much in the running for the job of hostess at the International House

of Pancakes.

Do that, Murphy.

Late nights at the IHOP.

They liked my accent.

They thought it would help emphasize the international part of the name.

Of course, it's down near... the bus station, and I would have to wear a

hairnet. Oh, Murphy, the bus station, a hairnet.

And failing that, there's an opening at the nuclear power plant.

The head of personnel seemed very nice.

Odd, though, he had no eyebrows.

Okay, okay.

Audrey, I'm up against a major deadline, and I don't have an assistant.

Since you're available, what do you say?

Oh, my goodness. Are you offering me a job?

What a great idea, Murphy. Oh, thank you, Murphy. Thank you so much. I can

right now.

I'll just go out there and familiarize myself with your office setup.

I'm proficient in all the major computer programs. I also speak French and

German fluently. I can get by in Japanese.

And when the tension gets to be too much, I know all the key acupressure

out of me.

Oh, good.

Well, as you were.

Jim,

have you, uh, had a chance to look at the scripts for the promos we're

next week?

Actually, I haven't received them yet.

Okay.

Thank you.

Hilarious. I'll be sure to catch you at the Comedy Shack.

I don't think we should be discussing my digestive problems.

All right.

But I think it's very cute that you hum in the bathroom.

That's it, that's it.

Okay, I got work to do.

Fergie?

Make it quick, Miles. I made a bet with Diane Sawyer that I'd break the story

before she does. If I lose, I have to clean the growl around her tub.

Fergie, I want you to fire Audrey.

What? Well, she's the best secretary I ever had.

Not sincerely invented double chocolate cheesecake is another woman giving me so

much pleasure. No way.

You have to. You have to.

Please help me, Murphy. She's everywhere.

I can't breathe.

I come into the office and there are little post -it love notes all over my

door.

I'm losing my effectiveness as an authority figure.

I used to be the boss, the head honcho, the big cheese.

Now I'm just another bathroom hummer.

I told you, Miles. I told you not to mix business with personal and you wouldn't

listen. So now... Oh, you have to pay, as all must pay who do not heed a word

Brown. Oh,

Miles, are we going shopping together tonight?

Oh, gee, Audrey, I don't know. Because Neenah's is having a sale on those all

-cotton briefs he likes so much. You know, the ones with the comfort panel.

Hey, look at the time. Gotta go.

Oh, wait a minute.

What's this?

It looks like a keychain.

An empty keychain, waiting for that one special key.

Oh, gee, Audrey.

Gee.

I think it's time we considered living together.

Now that you've found me this wonderful job, I won't be a financial burden, and

I can come to you as a whole and complete woman.

It's the right time, Miles.

Don't you think?

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

What? No, I didn't mean that.

Yes, I did.

Oh, God, Audrey.

We can talk about this later. Like when we're old and wise and capable of

redeeming. I don't want to talk about it later. I want to talk about it right

here, right now.

Audrey, I'm suffocating.

We don't spend any time apart.

I'm not ready for a serious relationship.

And you deserve somebody who can give you more.

If you'll excuse me, I think I need a little air.

I'm sorry, Audrey.

And Audrey, maybe we could keep this between us.

I don't think the whole office needs to know we're breaking up.

Oh.

Too bright and too hot to survive.

Well, you know, sometimes that happens. Too hot, too bright, too bad.

I cried once, but Kim Basinger's suit wouldn't go out with me.

Oh, now, don't make me laugh, Frank.

I was just about to feel good and sorry for myself.

How is it you know just the right thing to say?

I do?

Here you go, Audrey.

Another cup Earl Grey. You don't want to dehydrate.

Frank, can I talk to you over here for a second? What is it? It's private.

Can I wait? I'll pay you $10.

All right. All right. Excuse me for just a second.

What is it, Phil? Can't you see I'm trying to help Audrey feel a little

here? I want you to listen to me, Frank.

There's nothing as deadly as the boss's freshly dumped and highly vulnerable ex

-girlfriend. You're trolling in dangerous waters, Frank.

And I suggest you take your fishing pole to another pond.

That's ridiculous, Phil. We're just having an innocent conversation. That's

it is now. Just relax.

I'm sorry. Sorry about that. Now, where were we?

I'm thinking about Miles.

Did I say something? Did I do something?

Now, don't blame yourself. You are a very warm and caring person, Audrey. You

know, I once said to Miles that I was jealous because I'd never met a woman

you. You said that? I did.

And I'm not just telling you that now to make you feel better.

It's all in your car, Frank.

You didn't bring my car. I walked here.

Oh, what a relief.

I really should get back to the office, but I don't know how I'm going to face

people, face Miles.

Go home. Most of the day's over already. I'm sure Murphy wouldn't want you to

work after what happened.

If I really don't think she'll mind, I could still catch the early bus. Wait a

minute. You're not taking the bus, not the way you're feeling. Look, my car is

parked in the garage right across the street. Let me give you a ride home.

I insist.

Frank, that's so nice of you. I'll get my coat.

Morning, Murph. How's it going?

Oh, just as well, Frank. I was here until midnight last night waiting

all this stuff myself because Audrey disappeared on me yesterday.

I know. I told her to take the rest of the day off.

You what?

Jeez, Frank, you... Look, Murph, I ran into her at Phil's yesterday. She seemed

pretty upset about the breakup.

So I took her home.

And then something happened, Murph.

Between Audrey and me.

Oh.

God.

It's not what you're thinking.

We sat in my car and talked.

Just talked until two in the morning and then I went home.

Would that be your home here in Washington or your home on the planet?

sure.

I'm telling you, we talked about everything. I don't think I've ever been

comfortable with a woman before.

I think there's a real attraction there. But if I start seeing Audrey, how's

Miles going to feel?

He's my boss. He's my friend.

Murphy, what should I do?

Oh, there they are. The five most dreaded words in the English language.

Murphy, what should I do? Murphy, I need your help. And now the five second most

dreaded words.

Hi, Frank. Maybe you can help, too.

I don't know if you've heard, but I broke up with Audrey yesterday.

Oh. I tried calling her around 8 .30 last night just to make sure she was

No answer.

Nine o 'clock.

Still no answer.

Finally, around two o 'clock in the morning, she picked up the phone.

I asked her where she was all night. She said she was taking a shower.

I think she's lying.

What do you think, Murphy?

Gee, I don't know.

What do you think, Frank?

Okay, Miles.

I'm going to be totally honest with you.

Audrey was with me last night.

Are you telling me you took a shower with Audrey?

No.

Look, I ran into her at Phil's. She was... She was crying. I took her home,

we ended up talking for a few hours.

Look, Miles, I want to be perfectly upfront about this.

I'm thinking about getting to know Audrey better, but I don't want to step

any toes. You say the word, I'm out of here.

Well, Frank, it was my choice not to see Audrey anymore.

And if you two want to see each other, I say great.

You're one of my best friends, and she's a terrific woman.

I think we're both sophisticated enough to handle this.

All I ask is that you treat her right.

I'll try.

Look, thanks for understanding, buddy.

Shake?

Are you sure you don't want to go out to the stable and check her teeth before

you close the door?

Murphy, if you're finished making rude comments, I'd like to start the morning

meeting.

Good morning, Audrey.

Hello, Mr.

Silverberg.

Hello, Frank.

Hi, Audrey.

How are you feeling today?

Wonderful.

Except for one problem.

I have an extra ticket to the symphony Thursday night.

I was planning to take someone, but he suffocated unexpectedly.

I think I can solve this little dilemma.

Frank, would you like to go to the symphony with Audrey?

I'd love to.

What do you say, Audrey?

I can't think of anyone I'd rather go with. Anyone at all on this earth,

or dead.

covers everyone here, what do you say we start the morning meeting?

Okay, next month's schedule. I need stories, great stories.

Pitch me, people. Okay, okay, look, uh, I was thinking about a follow -up piece

on my story about Death Row.

Interesting, and the first piece was very strong, but we're trying to steer

from follow -ups. Sorry.

Oh, okay, well, uh, how about a look at the Superfund cleanup site in upstate

where... Oh, I don't think so. It's pollution downer. What else you got?

Uh...

The effect of a military base closing on a town... What else?

Well? Nope.

You haven't heard the idea yet.

Don't like it.

Well, maybe you'll like this story idea.

Miles Silverberg, executive producer or moron?

Well, I'd rather be a moron than a rotten, stinking backstabber. You're not

friend. You're the predator.

Lying in wait for relationships to break off. so you can suck up the women like

some anteater with a testosterone problem.

You're lying. Do you know that?

Audrey was dating a crazy person. When I started therapy, I was saner than you.

I wonder why she's confused.

You confused her? You offer a ride home and it takes seven hours to get there?

What'd you do, Frank? Take a shortcut through New Hampshire?

I don't care what you say. I'm taking her to the symphony. You hear that? I'm

taking her.

Oh, you do that, Frank. You take her to the symphony. You'll be the only guy

there trying to start the wave.

That's it. I don't care if you kill each other. Just stop fighting over Audrey.

She's mine. You got that? Mine.

And I don't want anybody to upset her. Case closed. No arguments. Period.

I have no idea what just transpired here. I hate that feeling.

Don't fight it, Jim.

It's really kind of nice once you get used to it.

Okay, let's go back over Congressman McNair's testimony. There's got to be

something there.

Now what?

Oh, and while you're at it, pull the file on Papazian, too.

Hi, Murph.

Frank, you're not supposed to pick up Audrey until 7 .45. It's 7 .44.

I'll walk into the living room real slow. That should cover it.

Hi, Audrey.

Hello, Frank.

Could I talk to you privately, please?

Are you all right?

Well, actually, Audrey, I've been thinking.

There's probably a lot of things that you and Miles still have to work out,

I don't want to get in the way of... You see, I don't want to be in the middle

of... There's something that doesn't... feel quite right. Do you understand what

I'm saying?

Let me translate for you, Audrey. When Miles told Frank it was okay to go out

with you, that meant you were available.

When a woman is available, Frank suddenly finds her about as desirable as

Borgnine. Is that it?

No!

Well, that's part of it.

At least I'm honest enough to admit it.

Look, Audrey, I know this is going to be hard for you, but I

want you to try to forget me.

And what could have been?

Oh, this is such a relief.

Excuse me? I've been thinking, too, and I realize all I've been doing is using

you to get back at Miles.

Wait a minute.

Let me get this straight. Are you telling me that you are not interested

at all?

Yes. Look, maybe if you gave it a chance. God, it's drinking like a dead

chicken. Cut off its head and it still keeps running around the yard.

I saw this guy, really big guy with a really big scar, and he was climbing

your wall.

There he goes again.

You get out of here. You get out of here. Go.

Okay, he's gone.

I'm going to go down to the police station and report this. Oh, stop it,

There is no man.

I demand to know what you were doing out there skulking about.

I was not skulking.

Yes, I was.

Oh, God. Look what I've become.

I'm a skulker.

What a pathetic excuse for a man I've become.

I haven't shaved.

I started to shave, but then I stopped.

For no reason.

I just couldn't go on.

Good, Frank. Thanks to you, our leaders lost the will to groom.

No, it's not Frank's fault.

I'm the one who made this mess.

And now, all I can think to say is, you stay away from her, Frank.

I should have read you better. I couldn't see how much you were hurting.

I'm sorry, man.

Here we go. They're calling each other man. The end is in sight.

Anyway, uh... I'm out of the picture.

Friends?

I hope you two can work everything out because you deserve to be together,

happy, and in love.

Unlike me, I was alone and probably will be until the day I die.

Enjoy your evening.

Audrey, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I know why I broke things

I was afraid.

But I've discovered that I'd rather be afraid with you than without you.

So I guess what I'm saying is, would you move in with me?

Oh, Miles, that's so sweet.

No.

Why not?

Miles, I can't ignore the fact that you broke up with me and within a matter of

hours I was spending the evening in another man's car.

Maybe I'm not ready for a commitment yet either, Pookie.

You call me Pookie, so there's still a chance.

Always.

Well, what a lovely moment that was. And I'm sure you'll want to go home and

relive it, Miles, while Audrey and I finish our story.

Murphy, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to look for other employment.

For the good of friendships, romance, and my mental stability, I quit.

I'm sure you understand.

Well, you're wrong.

This is so typical.

Everyone else always ends up getting exactly what they want, and I end up

Zippo.

how you make you feel guilty, but this will probably eat at me for the rest of

my life.

I'm sorry, Murphy, but he loves me.

There's love and there's deep neurosis. Don't confuse the two.

It's strange, Audrey.

You said no to living together.

You rejected me.

I'm finding that a very powerful turn -on.

What are you saying, Pookie?