Original subtitles

*

(Southern accent): Mm...

Love don't see color, Mama.

CARYN: Oh...

I just love the way

the sweat glistens off your back in the sun.

(Caryn giggling)

(crinkles)

(gasps) Oh...

Where'd you hide the afikoman?

(door bangs) (screams)

Gah! Who's there?!

Me.

Oh.

My therapist told me to keep a dream journal,

so I just... I got to write this down

before I forget.

Um, cotton plantation, Idris Elba,

Passover Seder...

Oh! Back from the market.

Dinner is at 8:00 p.m. sharp.

Dress is business casual.

Again?

Ow! Lucky us.

I'm gonna need you to stay out of your kitchen

for the next 45 minutes.

STOSH: I just stayed naked

the whole day. (laughter)

Oh, my God, Stosh,

dinner is amazing.

I could not love this pasta more.

And the cheese. How do you know all my favorite foods?

I listen and I care.

You know, he's only

been living with me for a month--

already knows everything I like.

Just the other day, I said, "I like oatmeal."

And he said, "Yeah, I know."

Actually, you screamed it out. (chuckles)

Then you threw that thing. Yeah.

So, what's the occasion?

Mm! He had a big job interview today, right?

How'd that go?

Let's just say

by this time next week, anybody in the tri-state area

looking to score some

calcium fluoroaluminosilicate dental cement

is gonna have to go through this guy.

That is so badass.

(phone vibrating) STOSH: Oh!

That's my headhunter now. Got to take this.

You guys eat up. There's plenty.

I really cleaned out the place.

Jerry!

(whispering): Tell me you got some good news.

What?

They're passing?

Did you get it?

Jerry, I am completely broke.

I've been shacking up with my cousin in Queens,

I'm mooching food off my neighbors,

and I haven't had my teeth cleaned professionally

in over a month.

Plus, I owe $1,000

to a very scary man named Tulip.

Like the flower, yes.

Did you get it? Hey, did you get it? Looking like it, buddy.

Across the room exploding fist bump!

(makes explosion noise)

No, trust me, he is very scary.

It's his given name.

He could be Dutch.

Yes, "Dutch" would be a much scarier nickname.

Who gives a crap?!

Jerry, you find me a job.

I am drowning.

Jerry, no, come on, I love the salary,

but these benefits are crap.

Now, you call me back when you have something better, you got it?

Oh...

Way to stick it to 'em.

Hey, what's for dessert?

You know, all week I have been craving something with...

Coconut. Right.

Whoa. Psychic.

(sportscast playing over TV)

Oh, boom! You remember flipping baseball cards

like this when we were kids?

Uh, you used to call the game "Winner Takes the Cards."

I always won, but you always took the cards.

You totally misnamed that game.

(chuckles)

Hey, Cousin Stosh...

I-I've been thinking a lot about something,

and it's kind of hard

for me to say. Uh-huh.

I think it's time you moved back

to your condo in the city.

Okay.

Wait. What?

Well, I mean...

when Dad died and you offered

to come stay here with me, that... that was amazing.

But I can't help

but feel selfish for keeping you from enjoying your life.

What, are you kidding me?

Come on. I'm enjoying my life.

I mean, look at this. I love this game.

Oh, my gosh, when you get it in, what a rush.

Come on.

I mean, you wouldn't rather be out somewhere

with a couple stewardesses,

maybe hanging out at a fancy discotheque?

Tell me I'm wrong. You're wrong.

Mainly about what century we're in,

but most of the other stuff, too.

I'm telling you, I'm fine.

I mean, you came to help me heal, and I have.

Eric, I hate to break it to you, but you're not healed.

Uh, I feel like I'm healed.

Of course you do!

Feeling like you're healed

is the classic sign that you're not really healed.

Really?

Let's face facts here, Eric.

You took care of your parents for so long,

you've got no life of your own.

Well, I mean, I have a life.

You got any friends? Yes.

You got any friends that aren't puppets?

Yes! All the guys that work the night shift down at the bridge.

They get together once a week

to watch a Mets game at somebody's house.

I hear it is so much fun.

Wait a minute. You telling me you don't even go?

Well, I... it's invitation only, so...

I got a feeling this might be my year.

This is gonna be your year, all right?

Because I'm here.

I'm here to help. You see?

You see how this works?

You know, the guy can be an arrogant jerk,

but he really can cook a meal.

I know.

I don't usually eat that kind of cheese,

but it was delicious.

Um, Zara, you do eat that kind of cheese.

Every time I buy it, it disappears.

My therapist told me that I have to stop

letting people take advantage of me.

Mm-hmm.

And how much does she charge you?

$425 an hour.

But Hilary Duff goes to her, too.

Well, both you and Hilary Duff are getting reamed,

because I do not eat that kind of cheese. Zara,

you eat my cheese.

And my other food, too.

Luckily, every time you do, Stosh shows up

with the exact same stuff.

(gasps) (laughing)

Son of a bitch.

He stole my food.

Coconut.

Here's the ticket.

The Matushi 65-inch curved

ultra-high-def 3D smart TV.

You throw this piece of crap in the Dumpster,

you invite your coworkers over for a Mets game,

and bam! Instant friends

whose eyes are not made of buttons.

$2,500 though? I mean, yikes.

Well, what about the money your pops left you?

Don't you think he'd want you

to spend it on something like this?

(phone chimes) I mean, all he said in the will

is that I shouldn't spend it "like a moron."

Okay.

Here's how we're gonna do this.

You give me the $2,500.

I'll go buy the TV tomorrow,

get it all set up for you while you're out.

You in?

I'm in. Yeah?

Yeah! Thanks, Cousin Stosh! All right.

Hey, no problem. (laughing)

Now, you go get that money. Okay.

Hundreds. Oh.

All right, so just to be clear, you're telling me

no one's gonna notice the difference

between this TV and the Matushi, right?

What's to know? Same guts.

With Matushi, all you're paying for is name.

It's for my cousin. I just want to make sure it's a good TV.

Not good, my friend, great.

Same guts.

I tell you, you're going to call me and say,

"Shmoolie, sell me another!" and I say, "No!

At this price, I lose money!"

Really? That sounds like a terrible business model.

It is. It's cuckoo.

ERIC: Hey, Kent!

Kent! Everyone's invited to watch the Mets game

at my house tomorrow before work, all right?

Your house?

Why would we come over to your house?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe because I got a brand-new 65-inch curved TV.

Oh, really?

Lewandoski's got a curved TV!

Lewandoski got a third TV?

No, a curved TV!

Lewandoski's cured VD!

Lewandoski's got a bird with fleas?

He's got a pervy niece!

Is that who watch the third TV?

Curved! It's curvy!

Lewandoski's got scurvy?

He does? Oh, poor guy!

He just got that curved TV.

So you guys coming?

Come on in, everybody.

Uh, make yourselves at home.

Uh, enjoy some snacks and refreshments in the back

and my brand-new Matushi curved TV.

All right. Now that's the way I like it.

Long and curved.

Thanks, Miranda.

I misjudged you, Lewandoski.

You're really showing me something.

This TV says a lot about who you really are.

Thanks, Kent.

I got my eye on you!

I got my eye on this guy, huh?

For the scurvy.

Oh...

(gasps)

Finally!

I texted you "911," like, 911 times.

I'm sorry.

I thought you were my mom.

She texts me "911"

every time one of her friends from temple

mentions she has a single son.

What's up?

I did a little checking on our friend Stosh--

if that is his real name.

Oh, my God. It's not?

It is. I was doing that more for effect.

So what did you find out? Tell me!

He doesn't own any condo in the city.

That thing went bye-bye the moment he lost his job.

He's broke,

and from what I'm seeing,

pretty much blackballed

from the entire dental sales business.

This is a lot of information.

What site is this?

ZARA: "AmIDatingaDouchebag.com."

By the way, I know you date a lot,

so I signed you up for a full year.

Thought it might come in handy.

Yeah, my therapist suggested

that site, too.

So he's been lying?

About everything?

And poor Eric has no idea.

Mm-mm.

Ready to send it over to you

at Citi Field in New York City for the first pitch,

as the 35 and 61 Mets...

Mets. Come on, Mets.

...square off against the 41 and 56 Phillies.

Buckle up, baseball fans...

Whoa!

(all exclaiming) Turn it on!

New TV broken! No, no.

It's just a-a little technical difficulty.

(all groaning)

(Eric screaming)

Fire! Save yourselves!

VIJAY: Here, Jimmy, use your cane!

JIMMY: You've got my cane!

(panicked shouting)

ERIC: Stay calm! Stay calm! My eyes aren't working!

Be calm! MIRANDA: Somebody's grabbing my ass.

JIMMY: Mine, too! WOMAN: Somebody grabbed my ass!

There we go. There we go. We're good, we're good.

Wait a second.

This isn't a Matushi; this is a Mabushi.

It looks like a Matushi,

but has completely different guts.

A Mabushi? I don't... I don't understand.

Well, let me explain.

Because of your cheapness,

we won't be able to watch the Mets game

for the first time ever!

Shame on you!

Shame... on... you!

Let's get out of here!

No, no! Guys! Come on, don't go.

Hey, I have a solar-powered radio upstairs.

Sounds amazing when it's not cloudy.

Miranda? Please stay.

I loved you.

Well, that was a huge overreaction!

The Mets were mathematically eliminated in June!

By the way.

This sucks.

What's going on?

And why do I smell... (sniffs)

burning TV set?

Hmm, smells more like lying douche bag to me.

Okay, clearly there have been

some developments since I left.

That crappy TV you bought Eric blew up

in front of all of his friends.

He was so humiliated.

I wanted to cry.

So I did.

Damn. Where is he?

Upstairs. And he doesn't want to see you.

Yeah, I'll make it right. He doesn't want to see you.

Okay. Okay!

(groans)

Ow!

ERIC: Who is it?

Stosh.

Go away.

Who is it?

Still Stosh.

Go away.

Can we talk?

No.

Come on, turn around.

You're creeping me out.

Promised myself I'd never lay eyes on you again.

Look, I needed to save a couple bucks

on the TV to get myself out of a tough situation.

My kidneys were in jeopardy.

Come on,

I was gonna pay you back!

It's not about the TV.

Then what is it?

Why'd you come to my father's funeral that day?

Why'd you offer to come here and stay with me?

And please, don't lie.

'Cause if you lie,

my father will turn over in his grave.

Look, I told you...

it was to help you out.

That's a lie!

You're a liar!

You lost your job and your condo

the day before, and you just needed a free place to stay.

All right, who told you that?

I'm not an idiot, Cousin Stosh.

I can figure things out for myself.

I mean, maybe not this particular thing.

Zara told me.

But when she did,

I promised myself I would never lay eyes on you again.

Damn it.

And you know what? Now my... now my father's turned over

in his grave.

Thanks a lot for that, too!

Come on, I-I didn't tell you

what was going on with me because

I didn't want to stress you out, you know?

Oh, so if you hadn't have lost your condo,

would you have still moved in here with me?

Is this another "my father will turn over

in his grave" question?

Yup.

Uh, no.

No, I would not have moved in.

Damn it!

You could've at least lied

to get him back in the right position.

You know what?

You're a bad person.

Hey, come on.

You are.

I am so glad I promised myself I would never lay eyes on...

I want you to move out.

What?

Are you deaf? I said move out right now.

Hey. Come on, let's take a breath here.

It's me.

It's Cousin Stosh.

I have no Cousin Stosh, Cousin Stosh.

I know you're still in here.

Oh, I can play this game as long as you can.

Come aboard, Gwendolyn, but don't forget the sacks of gold

your father left you when he died.

(higher voice): Oh, I won't.

They're stashed away.

In my royal underwear.

(kids laugh) Oh, no!

The gold is too heavy!

We must throw it overboard!

No! I wanted to buy a 65-inch curved

ultra-high-def television!

(gasps dramatically)

(normal voice): You see, kids?

Now the prince needs to learn the hard way.

(gargling)

Oh! Oh, my God! No! No!

I'll see you in hell, douche bag!

(gargling)

(grunting)

All right, thank you.

Next show's in five minutes.

(knocking)

Yes? Hi.

I'm Caryn. I'm looking for Stosh Lewandoski. Is he here?

Oh, yeah, of course he's here. He's my fiancé.

Your fiancé? Yeah!

Yup! Yes, I am.

Sue, this is Caryn, my, uh, French tutor.

(speaking French)

You know, actually I'm off the clock right now.

Do you mind if I speak with my tutor in private?

(speaks French)

Okay.

Thanks, honey.

Hey! Do you ever

tell anyone the truth?

What is this poor woman gonna say

when you don't marry her?

Oh, same thing as usual, I'm sure, you know.

We're kind of in a "fool me 12 times, shame on you" situation.

Don't worry. She'll be fine. What's up?

"What's up?" Your cousin is devastated.

Stosh, he trusted you, and you used him!

Well, hey, wait a minute!

I needed a place to crash.

He needed somebody to hang out with.

It was a very fair deal.

Well, he didn't think it was a deal.

He thought you were being sincere.

Yeah, that was the beauty of it

until you guys opened your fat pie holes.

Oh, my God.

You have so many walls up.

And it's not just me who thinks so.

My therapist totally agrees.

Oh, really? She agrees with someone helping her

pay her mortgage-- who'd have thunk it?

She says you create walls of deception,

so you never have to get close to anyone.

You tell that Park Avenue therapist

that in the real world, people don't have time

to sit in bean bag chairs and whine about their feelings.

The world is a tough place; you got to figure out

what you need to do to survive, or you drown.

You tell her that and see what she says.

(door closes)

She said this isn't about the world

being tough, this is about you being scared.

Scared of what? Being vulnerable.

You think if you showed that side of yourself,

no one will love you or help you.

Maybe that's because nobody ever did.

Nobody.

What does your fancy therapist have to say to that, huh?

She says,

"Go on."

When I was eight, I was the only kid at school

that didn't have any baseball cards.

So I asked my mother if I could have some money to get some.

She said no.

I started crying.

She went right to the window, opened it,

and yelled out to the street,

"Hey, come up to 11D if you want to see

the world's biggest crybaby!"

Oh, my goodness. And they came, too. A bunch of people came.

One guy even brought his grandparents.

But that's when I realized what I needed to do

to survive in this world.

Steal money from her wallet when she was drunk.

(muffled babbling)

That is heartbreaking.

(sighs) Rinse and spit.

Hey!

I had to cancel my session this week.

(grunts) Sorry.

I didn't have time for breakfast.

My therapist says it wasn't

just Eric who needed help that day.

It was also a little boy named Stosh.

I couldn't tell him the truth.

It would shatter his image of me.

Plus, he's so easy to lie to.

How do I make this right?

You could go to him right now and ask him to forgive you.

But what if he says no?

What if he says yes?

(sniffling)

Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna go get my jacket.

(door closes)

Son of a bitch!

He stole therapy from me!

And a teeth cleaning.

$7.50, please.

MAN: There you go.

Oh, hi, Zara!

Hi, Caryn!

Now, why are you in the backseat

when the passenger seat's vacant?

That seems so silly.

Eric, can we talk?

$7.50, please.

Eric, you might want to hear what he has to say.

Yeah, you actually might.

Yeah, listen, there was a lot of things

that I wanted to say before,

but I couldn't. But since then,

I've had a lot of good therapy.

Several thousand dollars worth.

Listen, it all goes back to my childhood, all right?

I don't even remember my own mother hugging me. (car horn honking)

Hey, shut up!

We got a beautiful thing happening here!

Whoa! He's got crazy eyes.

We're gonna circle back around. Don't go anywhere.

Don't take any breaks. Bye.

STOSH: All right, how do we get out?

Where's the off ramp? Where's the off ramp?

How do we get out of here?

Okay, go ahead, and skip all the "Mommy didn't love me" crap.

No, he can't skip that. That's the most important part.

Okay, then you pay the $7.50. I didn't go to the ATM.

Ah! Okay! This is what's happening!

This is going here, this is going here. Get out!

Good luck to both of you!

ERIC: $7.50, please.

Oh, geez! It's not even that great of a bridge!

Bye!

(car horns honking)

Can I come in there, please?

No, this is completely against regulations.

If you leave me out here, I'm gonna be

dead in about five seconds. Please.

Thank you.

All right. Okay.

A little tight in here.

Yup.

Look, Eric.

You're the only one in our family that liked me.

Or... looked up to me. (car horn honks)

WOMAN: Hey, buddy! Come on!

I don't got all day here. $7.50, please.

So, you liked me and...

I guess I didn't really feel like I deserved to be liked.

So I gave you a bunch of crap.

Hey, Sam, Diane. How do I get to the Westside Highway?

Take FDR to 96th Street.

Zip across town, it'll get you right there.

Thanks. Right. Um, gave you

a bunch of crap when we were kids,

fell in the same patterns now,

projecting my insecurities,

making up for my own shortcomings... MAN: Hey, yo!

$7.50, please.

Cycle-- bullying, hurt, bullying, hurt.

Never wanted to hurt you. Love you more than anyone.

Incredibly sorry. Please forgive me.

I was hoping you'd say that exact thing.

I love you, kuzyn.

I love you, too, Cousin Stosh.

MAN: Pardon me. Excuse me.

$7.50, please.

Hey, Lewandoski's hugging his cousin.

Who's hugging his cousin? Lewandoski!

Lewandoski clubbing his puffin?

No! Hugging his cousin!

Lewandoski's drugging a Russian!

Lewandoski's got a concussion?

Lewandoski's got a concussion?!

A concussion? On top of the scurvy?

That guy's having one bad week.

Hugging his cousin!

This the same guy who won't let you come to see Mets games?

You the same guy that won't let him watch the Mets games?

ERIC: You suck, Kent.

All right! Come here. Come here.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Good night.

Hmm.