Original subtitles

Maybe there's been a lot happening in the world recently,

but hands up who knew we had a big swing band?

Anna? Sorry, Anna?

Anna.

- She's asking flat-out if we're axing it. - Right, yes.

- This thing with the big swing band. - Yes, exactly.

We are starting to take incoming on it already.

- Right, incoming. - Are we axing it?

- Not unless-- - 'Cause also--

God, there's an "also"?

This is about identifying what we do most of best

and finding fewer ways of doing more of it less.

- That's what you want me to say? - Yes, exactly.

I'm not going to be responsible for axing four major BBC orchestras.

I don't see that as my role as Head of Values.

Yes, no, fabulous, Ian, very clear.

All these rumours around closure, it's got to be really upsetting

for you and for everyone, really.

Hey, that's life, I guess. That's show business.

If you've got any bright ideas, apart from asking the driver

to drive us to St Pancras and disappearing to the continent for a while.

You do know that the minister himself is a keen trombonist?

A trombonist?

- Are you OK, Anna? - Were you not aware of that?

Anna, are you all right?

- Forgive me, Fiona, is this a joke? - If it's a joke,

- it's not a very funny one, is it? - No.

She's just, you know... I think maybe we'd better stop.

Standby 2.

Mix through, cue on 2.

The BBC's announced the appointment

of the ex-Head of Olympic Delivery, Ian Fletcher,

as its new Head of Values.

Time now for the shipping forecast.

Superimpose.

You're kidding. You are kidding me.

It's 11:15 at New Broadcasting House,

and, already, a special damage limitation meeting is in full swing.

No, it was a temporary software issue and we deeply regret

any offense that may have been caused to Jools himself

or to the Jewish community.

Following an item on this morning's BBC Breakfast about plans

to close the BBC Big Swing Band,

a spontaneous Twitter campaign to boycott the BBC,

led by Jools Holland, is attracting growing support.

But in the last few minutes, there's been a new development.

Of all the random words in the dictionary, we find the one

with 2,000 years of pain attached to it.

Due to the intelligence of the BBC's Syncopaticaption Live subtitling software,

the much-loved BBC star has been subtitled briefly on the BBC news channel

as "Jews Holland."

A slow car crash where you've designed the car

and failed to notice the fucking ditch you've now driven it into.

So in my view, guys, we are looking at emergency measures here.

- Brilliant. - Brilliant.

- Brilliant. - Not being dramatic or anything,

but it is actually biblical in the press office right now.

Listen, I mean, you guys know how to handle this, this really isn't my area...

- Yeah, bollocks. - But for what it's worth,

My guess is that Tony will be a lot less blotchy around the eyes

once we've got some policy statement out there for the lunchtime news.

- The lunchtime news? - Right, OK.

- Let me explain how this works, OK? - Brilliant.

- Yes, 'cause-- - Sorry, Tracey, if I can--

- Sorry, Neil, I'm just agreeing with you. - Yeah, thanks.

There's no such thing as the lunchtime news anymore.

- It's not "Listen with Bloody Mother." - Brilliant.

What it is now, it's basically one long avalanche of shit happening in real-time.

- Exactly, yes. Yes. - With 24-hour live shoveling.

Yes, no, very good.

No, I totally hear you. No, it's still me. Shut up.

Oh, bloody great.

No, forget Jools, go through Felicia in his office.

Don't talk to Daniel, he's a show pony, all moisturizer and gel.

Talk to Felicia. She's Spanish, whatever.

Swedish, yeah. We can totally impact her.

Perhaps inevitably in the circumstances,

BBC brand consultant Siobhan Sharpe has arrived from Fun Media

to bring her expertise literally to the table.

- So we talked to Jools's people. - Brilliant.

And I've got three words for you: "not enough flowers in the world."

- What? - All right.

- Brilliant. - Here we go.

So in through the nose and out through the mouth on the count of four.

- Yes, exactly. - That's great.

- The fact is, I'm fine now. - Right, good. Feeling OK.

Meanwhile, across town, Director of Better, Anna Rampton,

is having a lie-down in an ambulance.

- The fact is, we need to go now. - OK.

- Well. - Your pulse is certainly OK.

- Blood pressure's fine. - Yes, exactly.

- It's up to you, really. - Yes, exactly, yes.

- We can take you to the hospital. - No.

- That service we provide. - No, I don't want that.

- Are you sure, Anna? - Yes.

- 'Cause, I mean... - Yes, no, the fact is, I'll be fine now.

This happened to you before, Anna?

- The fact is, can you take us to the BBC? - No.

- The BBC? - Yes.

I'm not sure we're allowed to, Anna.

- Yes, you are. It's in Regent Street. - No, it's fine.

If you're absolutely sure, Anna. We can jump in another cab.

They're all over the place.

I'm happy for you to do that if you're happy.

- Yes. Yes. - But take it easy for a while, OK?

- Give yourself an easy day. - Yes, exactly.

- I might try that as well. - Ian will look after you, won't you, Ian?

- Yes. - Yes.

I mean, I, yes. Of course.

You're fine, and I'm happy with that, but these things happen for reasons.

- You might have a think about that, OK? - Hmm.

- Yes, well, I mean, thank you. - Pleasure.

- You've been really-- - Yes.

Anytime.

It's up to you, but you can probably let go of his hand now, if you want.

- Yes, I think-- - Yes, exactly.

OK, good.

Back at New Broadcasting House, Will Humphries

is still very much on station in reception,

in his mission to bag a passing celebrity

for the BBC Me YouTube Super Selfie launch campaign.

- Yeah, hi, yeah. - Hi.

- Yeah, so I'm Will. - Right.

Yeah, I love the sky.

- Right. - I used to have a telescope.

- OK. - Yeah, not like a real one.

- I'm sorry, I'm going to go. - OK, cool.

- Sorry. - Yeah, no worries, yeah, cool.

So, what we've realized is, and I've just double-checked this,

this is actually the first time his name has come up since 2.0 went live,

so, technically, the system is working blind here, it's generating a new word

which it's never heard before, so if you think about it,

it's actually a pretty interesting result.

I have thought about it, and "Jews Holland" is not a result.

Meanwhile, current head of News and Current Affairs, Neil Reid,

has popped down to touch base

with the BBC's chief technical services choreographer, Adam Brady.

I'm sorry, I've had enough.

If we can't go back to the slightly less useless system,

then I'm afraid we're just gonna have to cut our losses for the moment anyway

before something truly awful happens and switch it off.

- Switch it off. - Yeah, I'm sorry.

- Yeah, very good. - What?

Following an upgrade

of the BBC's cutting-edge Syncopatico in-house operating system,

its Syncopaticaption intelligent live subtitling software

is still doggedly refusing either to learn from its mistakes

or to give up and switch itself off.

I'm not technical, but would it help if I put a hammer through this crap in here?

- Yeah. - I'm including you in that.

So, one thing that's really impressive about 2.0...

- Impressive? - is that once it's up and running,

it's pretty much bomb proof.

- What does that mean? - You can literally pull the plug out,

and it will keep going.

I don't believe this.

The thing with fail-safe protocols, they're brilliant, don't get me wrong,

they're pretty close to perfect as long as everything works fine...

- Yeah. - but the second something goes wrong,

which technically can't actually happen, by the way,

you kind of miss the "off" button, you know what I mean?

I know.

I mean, who'd have thought?

By 11:30, Ian and Anna have managed to make their way back

to New Broadcasting House.

They may already be late for the big swing band damage limitation meeting,

but at least they've made it without any further medical emergencies.

- After you. - Yes, exactly, yes.

- Before we go in, the fact is, I'm fine. - Right. Are you? Really?

- The fact is, none of this happened. - Didn't it?

- No. - OK, well, that must be a relief.

Yes, exactly, yes.

- Also, the fact is-- - Yes, Will, hi.

- Yeah, hey. - The fact is, I'm going in now.

- Right. - I'll see you up there.

See you in there, yes. Right. Uh... hi.

Yeah, hey, how are you?

Actually, things are a bit busy this morning since you asked.

- Yeah. - A lot of stuff happening today.

I know, yeah, me too.

So I'm doing, like, this thing for BBC Me.

- Oh, right? - Yeah, it's for Izzy.

- Right, OK. - I was wondering if you could do a "me."

- Do a you? - Cool, yes, so, what it is...

- Will... - Hang on.

- This sounds really interesting. - I know.

- But I really have got to go. - OK.

- Find me later when I've got more time. - OK, cool.

- But in the meantime, you know, good luck. - Yeah, no worries, yeah, cool.

Sir Bob Geldof.

Sir Bob Geldof, yeah. Sir Van Morrison.

- Sir Tom Jones. - Yep. Sir Bono.

- Sir Bono? - Sir Bono, yeah.

- We love Sir Bono. - No, I'm sorry, Siobhan.

Brilliant.

By 11:45, the Jools Holland Twitter campaign to boycott the BBC

against the termination of the BBC Big Swing Band,

together with its much-loved veteran band leader, Ray Fredericks,

is attracting a growing number of prominent musical Knight Commanders

of the Order of Sir Paul McCartney.

- Sir Paul McCartney. - Paul McCartney, yeah.

- Cor. - Sir Mick Jagger.

- Sir will.i.am. - Yeah.

- Right, OK. - Brilliant.

I'm sorry, guys, this is not actually helping, OK?

- Sir Boy George. - Sir Boy George, yeah.

- It's just a list of names. - Totally is.

- Brilliant. - OK.

- Tapper family from Gogglebox. - Yep.

It's a long list of names, but, I'm sorry, reading them one by one isn't gonna help.

- Ah, brilliant, thank God. - Yes, hi.

- Apologies. - The Westminster Two.

- Sorry we're late. - No, no, come and join us.

- How was it? - Yes, it's been interesting, hasn't it?

- Yes, exactly, yes. - There's a lot to discuss,

but Ian's first job, before they get on to the main damage of the morning,

is to bring the meeting briefly up to speed

with how things went at the crucial first charter renewal meeting

at the Department of Culture, Media, and also Sport.

- A trombonist? - Yes.

- Yes, exactly. - Gor, no.

- Blimey. - Which, let's face it,

is probably not the best news in the context of the morning.

- Bummer. - Listen, honestly, bad luck.

In the meantime, we've been keeping track of other developments, so...

- Yes. - Brilliant.

- Brilliant. - I think we're pretty much up to--

Here's the thing, guys.

- Louisiana's burning here, guys, OK? - Brilliant.

- Louisiana's burning? - Is that actually right?

- No, it is not. - Got to break out the water hose.

- Yes, no, very good. - First, let's not be negative.

- Brilliant. - Right.

- Yes. - Not being negative, Ian, but why not?

- It seems to me-- - As of now, what you guys did here

is you, like, totally fumbled the ball, you dropped it,

and you totally gave it to, like, Tappers from Gogglebox and Sir Boy George.

- Whatever. - OK, no.

- So-- - No, I'm sorry, guys, I'm sorry, Siobhan,

but not everyone is a Knight of the Realm, OK?

I've got nothing against him personally, but the truth is Boy George is not a sir.

- Whatever. - He's just a boy.

I'll totally give you that. My point is,

you don't get narrative buyback soon, you'll get narrative blowback instead.

- Narrative blowback? - Like #CantSeeForShit

- Right, that's it. - Yes, no, very clear.

OK, OK. OK, I'll just do it.

With the big swing band crisis unfolding live and in real-time,

this is a busy morning for the BBC's Head of News.

Sorry, hang on a minute there, Sarah. Yeah.

- Yeah, hi. - So?

- I'm doing this thing for BBC Me. - OK.

- It's for Izzy Gould, so if you can just-- - Do I have to?

- No. - OK, great.

- OK, cool. - Yeah, so...

No, I get it. The thing about the statement of policy

is that, as far as I'm aware, we don't actually have one.

OK, so #JeSuisBigBand is trending worldwide right now.

- Brilliant. - Yes.

- So this thing has gone viro-nuclear. - Yes, thank you, Siobhan.

Yes, thank you, Siobhan.

- Brilliant. - Brilliant.

By 12:15, the damage limitation challenge is growing by the minute,

with over 4,000 people having now joined the conversation on Twitter

at #JeSuisBigSwingBand #BoycottBBC.

- Sorry. - No, no, Faiza.

- Just catching up. - Yes, no, join us.

- Yes, exactly. - Honestly, what a car crash.

Yes, exactly, yes.

But luckily, Faiza Raja, for the moment the BBC's Head of Diversity,

pending that role's reimaginement going forward

along with Head of Inclusivity to create a single new role

of Head of Empowerment, has arrived to help take the strain.

I've left messages for Donna Fredericks and her father and asked them to call.

- Right. - Brilliant.

- They've turned their phones off. Yes. - I'm not surprised.

- Who can blame them? - Kanye West.

- Yep. - I'm sorry this didn't come through me.

- I don't know how that happened. - Yes, well, let's not--

- This is a diversity issue-- - Well--

But no, beyond that, surely it's about the empowerment of voices

from as diverse a range of backgrounds as we can think of.

- Brilliant. - And how we could have got this

so badly wrong, it's beyond me.

Yes, exactly, yes.

- Honestly, it's so much bad luck, Lucy. - What?

- Sir Ian McKellen. - Given the situation,

let's not waste time on the details of how we got here, shall we?

- Brilliant. - Jacob Zuma.

- Cool. - Yeah, right, OK.

- Jacob Zuma? - Fabulous.

- Professor Green. - Professor Green, yeah.

- Right, so, OK. - Thank God, the man of the news.

So, I've spoken to Sarah Cartwright.

- Sarah...? - Sarah Cartwright.

- Yeah. - Sarah Cartwright.

- Yes, no, of course. - Editor, News at One. Yeah.

So they've cleared a live slot at 1:15.

- Right. - Hurrah.

- 1:15. - Talking about a statement of policy.

- Right. - Oh, bloody hell.

They've asked Tony, but he's Skyping

- with Jools Holland at one o'clock. - Cool.

- Right. - Brilliant.

- And they daren't move that. - Nah.

But according to Sarah,

Tony's really keen that this happens in the spirit of, you know, openness.

- Right, yes. - I bet he is.

Really keen. Sarah said his voice sounded a bit funny.

- Funny? - She said it was higher than normal.

- Yes. - Didn't have time to--

- Yes, no, that can happen. - No, OK.

- Anyway, he's suggesting Anna. - All right.

- Anna? - As Director of Better, yeah.

Fabulous.

You OK with that, Anna?

- Yes, I guess, exactly, no, yes. - Cool.

Right. So, not to be panicking or anything, guys,

but just to clarify here, am I right in thinking

the situation is that we have no idea what Anna's going to be saying

on News at One,

and we have 59 minutes between now and when she's going to say it?

- Correct. - Yes, right, I thought so.

- Right. - Fifty-eight.

- I have 58, yeah. - OK. Goody good.

- OK, so-- - OK, 58 minutes here, guys.

- Looking at a hard stop here. - First of all, let's stay calm, shall we.

- Sure. - Yes, very good.

Fifty-eight minutes is a lot longer than you think.

- Is it? Great. - Yes.

I don't know about the rest of you guys,

but can I suggest a short comfort break first?

- Right? - Brilliant.

- Yes. Yes. - Really?

I'm not being funny, but I think that would help.

- Yes, exactly. - Right, well, if--

- Yes, exactly, yes. - OK, comfort break, guys.

- All rightie. - Cool.

- Back in five at the very... - Back in five.

- Yes. - We come back, weapon up here,

- and solution the ass off this thing. - OK, good.

- Hurrah. - Hurrah.

Hurrah.

- Oh, Lucy, hi. - Yes, hi.

- You haven't seen Anna, have you? - Anna? No.

- Afraid I hadn't, sorry. - No, that's OK.

- Just wondered where she was. - Yes, I don't know.

- Better get back in there. - Yes. You OK?

Me? Yes. Yes, no. Yes, no, I'm fine.

'Cause you really mustn't let this stuff get to you.

- It's just good to get out for a bit. - Right. For what it's worth--

Anna?

- Yes. Yes, hi. - You OK?

Uh, yes, I'm fine. The fact is...

- Right. - God.

OK, uh...

Right.

Yeah, hi, yeah. So could...

Hello, Will.

- Oh, yeah, hey, yeah. - So, how's it going?

Meanwhile, back down in reception,

like it or not, it's starting to look as if Will Humphries

might have at last run into someone willing to take part

in the BBC Me Super Selfie campaign.

- Ready? - Yeah, cool.

- Me. - Cool.

- Is it OK, Will? - Yeah, no.

- Is it really, though? - Yeah, no, cool, yeah.

Me.

I don't think that's very good. Can I have another go?

OK.

Me-- Actually, I don't think the lighting is doing us any favours.

- OK. - Do you know what I mean, though.

Can we go outside into natural light, Will?

- It's OK with you? - No worries.

- What am I like? - Yeah, I don't know.

Not having much luck today, are you, Anna?

- The fact is, I'm fine. - Thirty-two minutes, guys.

Yes, OK, thank you, Siobhan.

They're gonna take you to the hospital, Anna, just to be on the safe side.

- Yes, exactly, yes. - Now, honestly, bad luck.

You can take that jacket off, I don't need it.

- We're going on a train to the continent. - Right, uh...

- Blimey. - Yeah, I think that's just...

On the journey to her current level of executive seniority,

Anna Rampton may have broken through just about every glass ceiling

put in front of her by the BBC,

but she's having less luck with some of its glass walls.

Yeah, you're not listening, Sarah.

In the meantime, the live interview about the BBC Big Swing Band

on the one o'clock news isn't getting any less live

or any further away.

"A," we don't know what she's going to be saying,

And "B," she's not going to be saying it at all at this rate.

- We're gonna take you to the hospital. - Yes, exactly.

You had a bump to your head. We'd like to take you for an X-ray.

- Yes. - Do you understand what I'm saying, Anna?

Yes, exactly, yes.

- Take that shirt off, you don't need it. - Yes...

- We're going in the train to a continent. - Christ.

- I'm not quite sure what that-- - Just relax, Anna.

- Yes, exactly. - Yeah, relax.

Come with us.

You're not going on any train. You hit your head, you're talking garbage.

- How do you feel about standing up, Anna? - Yes. Yes, exactly.

- Or would you like to go in the chair? - Yes. No, I don't want that.

Oh, well done.

I'm not being funny, but should someone go with her?

- Yes, I think-- - Ah, right.

- Good idea. - No way.

- It's a tricky one, isn't it? - One dead man down already here, guys.

She's not dead, Siobhan.

- Is there someone you want us to contact? - Yes, exactly.

- A mobile number or email address? - Yes.

- Take that skirt off, I won't need it. - Right.

- We're going up the train to incontinence. - Right.

- Do you want to go with her, Faiza? - Me?

- It feels like somebody should. - I agree.

- And I don't know Anna that well. - Uh....

OK, cool, whatever. The rest of us got 30 minutes

to figure a way off of this volcano before it blows.

- Right, yes. - Yes, thank you, Siobhan.

- Um... Anna? - Yes.

- It's Faiza. Head of Diversity. - Yes, exactly.

Somebody's had an accident.

The BBC itself has declined to comment so far this morning,

but coming up after the business news at 1:15,

we'll be talking to the BBC's so-called "Head of Values,"

Ian Fletcher, and asking him for his reaction to the affair.

- Right, OK. - Brilliant.

Yeah, bad luck.

I'm not gonna ask how that happened because we haven't got the time.

Yes, no, brilliant. Captain Renewal. Hurrah.

With Anna now out of the equation for the live interview

about the Big Swing Band crisis on News at One,

and with Ian having stepped into her shoes without even trying to,

the only question left is, what it is that he's going to be saying in them

in exactly 26 minutes' time.

- OK, 26 minutes here, guys. - Yes, thank you, Siobhan.

- Twenty-six, yeah. - Yeah, all right.

- Twenty-six. - I mean, the big--

Sorry, Ian. Where has the other one gone?

- The... - What's happened to Jerry?

- Yes. - Oh, Ben.

- Yeah, OK, what's happened to Ben? - Yes.

- I don't mind, it's just doing my head in. - Yes, no, brilliant, Neil.

- Are you doing both of you? - Ben's got his interview.

- Oh, right, OK. - Yeah.

- Right. Well... - Brilliant.

- Good luck, everybody. - Shall we--

- Yes, no, brilliant. - Hurrah.

Yes, no, so the big positive about not having enough time

is it concentrates the mind.

- Yes, right. - Fabulous.

- As long as we're clear what our line is. - Brilliant.

- Cool. - Yes, right.

Yes, no, very good.

Actually, it's really simple, isn't it?

- Is it? - Hurrah.

This whole thing with...

Sorry.

- No, no. - Yes, no, come and join us, Ben.

- Brilliant. - Welcome back.

- Yeah, welcome back. - How did it go, Ben?

- Brilliant. - Oh, good.

- Yep. - Right, well...

Hurrah.

- So anyway, Neil. - Yes, yes, so, this whole...

- Right. - Sorry.

- No, no, that's. - Good luck, Jerry.

- Yes. - Brilliant.

- Yeah, knock 'em dead. - Hurrah.

- Right, so any other traffic... - Yes, no, brilliant, I think that's it.

- OK. - We're good to go.

- Brilliant. - This whole thing with the band,

- why don't we say we're not doing it? - Right.

- Ah. - Right, OK.

- Interesting. - So we're not closing down the band?

- Yeah. - Cool.

- Can we actually say that? - No, I'm totally good with that.

No, I'm sorry, Siobhan, I'm sorry, guys, I'm not being negative,

- but it is actually too late for that. - Well...

I've basically spent the last two days confirming that we are doing it

- to everybody who's asked. - Right.

OK, so we changed our minds. Sod it.

- I'm not sure how that would look. - Exactly, Ian, I agree.

- Yes. - In that case, it's equally simple:

we're fucked.

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the building,

people like development executives Izzy Gould and Jack Patterson

seem to be going about their business as usual,

almost as if it was a normal day.

Oh, God, Will.

Hi.

Yeah, hey, yeah.

In much the same spirit,

Will Humphries is still at his post in reception,

in the hope of a sudden lunchtime surge of celebrity.

- I didn't mean for you to stay all day. - Cool, no worries, I don't mind.

Oh, so you're... it's you.

- What? No, what? - You're like Mister Super Me.

- Yeah, no. - Jack.

'Cause you're like a team now. It's a Humphries-Gould production.

Yeah, no, I don't know.

- So go on, then. Who've you got? - Yeah.

- Jack. - Well, it's no secret, is it?

- Yeah. - It's not fair on Will.

- I'm just curious to know. - 'Cause I did get some people.

Why did... You did?

- Yeah, I did, yeah. - There you go. Go on, hit me.

- Yeah. What? - Will, are you sure about this?

- Yeah, no worries. - 'Cause we don't have to do this now.

OK, cool.

- Me. - Me.

Me. Is that...

Me.

- Me. - Me.

- Me. - Me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

- Right. - Yeah. OK.

'Cause at the moment, except for this one guy,

it's mostly like people I actually know.

- Yes. Can we see that again, Will? - Yeah.

No worries, yeah, cool.

- Me. - Me.

- Me. Is that... - Me.

- Me. - Me.

- Me. - Me.

- Me. - Me.

Me.

- Right. - Will.

- Fuck. - 'Cause with the people I don't know,

apart from that one guy, I asked and they were like "no."

- Yeah. - This one woman was gonna call the police.

- Yeah. - Will, can... the guy who said yes.

Yeah, I know, yeah, crap. He just came in, like,

people pointing at him, so I asked him, but I didn't actually know who he is.

Me.

- OK, 13 minutes, guys. - Yes.

Platform's totally burning here.

OK, let's say we've got ten minutes to do this.

- Ten. - In round figures, yes,

- to give Siobhan three minutes off. - Right.

- OK, sure. - Brilliant.

Meanwhile, back upstairs, there are increasingly few surviving minutes left

until Ian opens his mouth

to make a key policy statement live on News at One

and finally gets to discover what's going to come out of it.

- I mean, Siobhan. - Sure.

- Right. - Really?

In your world, this kind of thing is pretty...

- No, sure, OK. - This stuff happens all the time.

Yeah, no, sure, OK. So here's the thing with this, OK.

- Here's what it is. - Right.

OK, um, so here's the thing with this.

- Siobhan. - This is what it is with this.

Here's what... the thing is--

I'm sorry, Siobhan, but I am going to interrupt you here.

- Sure. - Yes, please.

- Can I ask a question, guys? - Yes.

- Sure. - Yes, no, of course, Tracey, of course.

I'm not being negative or anything but I need to say this.

We've got eight minutes left here.

What are we actually going to do if we run out of time?

- Right. - Sure.

- Brilliant. - We're not going to run out of time.

- OK, fine. - Hurrah.

- But what do we do if we do? - Sure.

- Well... - So, guys, what you do here

is we totally focus on plan B.

- I'm sorry? Plan B? - Right.

You don't prioritize plan B now, you're super dead here.

- We haven't got a plan A, you stupid... - Exactly. That's why you need a plan B.

- What? - Duh.

- We've got nearly eight minutes left. - Right.

- Seven. Seven, yeah. - Seven?

Yes, nearly eight. We're not writing a speech, we've got plenty of time.

- Brilliant. - All I need is a basic

or even a vague sense of where I'm supposed to...

- Sorry, guys. - Oh, right.

- You all set, Ian? - Oh, well...

- Cool, we should probably get down there. - Right, yes. OK.

In the end,

after all the talk about exactly how much time they've got left,

the answer is that they haven't even got enough left to address

the question of what they're going to do if they run out of it, but despite that,

what's clear is the extent to which, now more than ever,

everyone is behind Ian.

- Are you OK with that? - Yes, fine.

No, we're not all bloody set.

I'm actively looking for sofas to hide behind as we speak.

The live two-way interview is to be conducted

with news presenter Sophie Raworth live in the BBC news studio

and Ian equally live at a remote interview station

specially constructed somewhere else in the same building.

Ideally, this would be fitted down through.

- Whatever. - But we haven't got time.

- It's fine, I'll hold that. - You sure?

- No, he can totally hold that. - OK, great.

It'll be fine, Ian. We all believe in you.

And you always think of something in the end because you always do.

I might just check in with Tony, Ian, just to bring him up to speed.

In a few years, we'll be laughing at this.

- Yes. - Alice, hi.

Yes, no, it's an interesting one.

Yes. Yes, really interesting.

- OK, I think we're good. - Right.

- OK, let's do this, guys. - Siobhan.

Storming the compound blind here. Keep the chopper running.

- Can you just be quiet, please? - Yeah, shut up.

- No, sure. - Fuck's sake.

Finally, as it was always going to be eventually, it's time.

- You all right? - Yes. Some water might be...

- Hey! Can we get some water here, guys? - All right, Siobhan.

- Here, should I... - Yeah, thank you.

- Can we have a level, please? - Of course, yes, so, la-la-la.

OK, thanks, that's great, Ian.

- Great, thanks. - What are you going to say?

- Well, you know, any ideas, gratefully... - Yes.

Actually, I thought "la-la-la" sounded pretty good.

- 'Cause this probably isn't-- - No, what?

- OK, Ian. - Yes.

OK, we're standing by.

...campaign to boycott the BBC...

We're standing by. Everybody shut up.

- What? - No, it's just, on my way in

in reception this morning, Will asked me--

I don't know, I wasn't really sure what he was on about.

But it's just with all this stuff now about, you know, the future...

That's brilliant.

- OK, what? - Coming to you, Ian.

- Coming to Ian, guys, going in. - Shh!

- I haven't even-- - Doesn't matter, don't care.

...its handling of the affair.

I'm joined now by the BBC's so-called Head of Values, Ian Fletcher.

- Yes, hello. - Thank you for joining us today.

It's a pleasure, Sophie.

This whole issue with the Big Swing Band and the BBC's handling of the affair,

this is basically another example of a bad decision, really poorly executed

for the BBC, isn't it?

No, I have to say, Sophie,

I don't recognize that description of where we are with this.

But we're talking about an institution here,

and a much-loved one at that, a feature of national life

- for something like 80 years. - Yes.

The only BBC orchestra led by a person from a non-white background.

- Sure. - You've got this wrong

on just about every single level, haven't you?

Yes, no, so, first of fall,

there's no point in not admitting that these are tough choices, because they are.

- Sure, OK. - We're looking hard at all our options,

of course we are, as part of our More of Less initiative.

But with respect, and we haven't got a great deal of time here,

with respect, these are generalities, aren't they?

- Yes-- - So with this decision specifically...

Yes, so with the Big Swing Band in particular,

this is a welcome opportunity to correct some fairly serious misunderstandings

about what we're actually doing there.

So you're saying that the BBC is not intending to axe the band?

Yes, so one option we've become very excited about

and we've been working on the detail of this for some time now,

far from closing it, is, in fact, the idea of reimagining it,

giving it its own creative and commercial independence

and at the same time, giving it its own dedicated space online

as part of the new BBC Me platform.

And making it, if you like, part of an exciting and confident new future,

rather than part of a nostalgic and perhaps fading past.

- OK, well-- - In many ways, it's a pretty good example

of the sort of things we're doing to create a BBC for the 21st century.

- Yes, Ian Fletcher. - Taking the best of what we've achieved

in the past and redefining it to create a BBC that's more efficient...

- Ian Fletcher... - more relevant, more accessible

to even more people than it's ever been before.

- Thank you for joining us. - Pleasure always, Sophie.

Ian Fletcher, the BBC's Head of so-called Values,

joining us live from Central London there.

OK, and we're clear.

- Right. - OK, we're clear, guys.

- Thanks, Ian, great. - Brilliant.

I love this. I so love it when this shit happens.

Yes, so basically that's all good.