Original subtitles

Standby, two. Mix through. Cue on two.

The BBC has announced the appointment

of ex-head of Olympic Deliverance, Ian Fletcher,

as its new Head of Values.

Time now for the Shipping Forecast.

Superimpose.

It's Tuesday, another in a long line of Tuesdays

at the BBC's New Broadcasting House

headquarters in central London.

Morning! Yes, hi.

The man with the values. Hi, how are you, Simon?

Bearing up. Bearing up.

Good. Actually, whilst I've got you, Simon...

Brilliant. I see tomorrow's the closing date.

Sorry. Sorry, Ian. Can I just... Is that a titanium one?

What? No, this is just, you know, it's a normal one. Yes, no, brilliant.

So, I was going to ask Tony...

Sorry, can I just... I mean, can I have a quick...

Well, I mean... Would you mind?

Right.

Yes, you see, I'm not sure the extra 400 quid's worth it.

Right.

So, that's titanium?

Supposed to be. I'm not sure you can tell the difference.

Anyway... I feel a bit of a mug.

Right. Yes. So, anyway, whilst I've got you, Simon...

Tomorrow is the closing date for applications for the new

and highly senior Director of Better post.

I mean, obviously, I wasn't consulted about any of this originally.

No, I know, honestly.

And I still think it's a ludicrous title. Yes, no, brilliant.

But since it does seem to be happening, I think,

and this is something I'm going to mention to Tony...

Right. Jolly good. When it comes to the interview process,

I think it would be an appropriate thing,

and actually a healthy thing, for Values to be represented in that process.

Yes, no, brilliant. As I say, this is something I'm just flagging up now,

but it is something I'm gonna be mentioning to Tony.

Oh, really good, Ian. Very brave.

Well, no, it's just... Brave?

Despite all his wisdom and experience

as the BBC's Director of Strategic Governance,

Simon Harwood is still not sure whether the laws of management

allow the Head of Values to sit on the interviewing panel for a new Director-level post.

I mean, maybe if someone had told me this to begin with,

I might've applied for it myself.

Yes, no. Very good. I'm serious.

Yes, no. I'd like to see Tony's face. What?

Well, the idea of his own creation, Captain Values,

taking his hand off the controls to apply for another job...

He'd practically have a fit.

Oh, great. So, I'm too important to apply for the job,

but I'm not important enough to sit on the interviewing panel.

Oh, no, no. It's a unique position, Ian.

Yes. Yes, no. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

Yes, brilliant. Yes. Yes, no. It's all good.

Will. Oh, yeah. Hi, yeah.

You're already in? Yeah. I know. Yeah, mental, yeah.

But Ian isn't the only one

with professional issues on his mind.

Following a spectacular coup involving the BBC's Wimbledon coverage

and his sister's connection with tennis star Jo-Wilfried Tsonga,

intern Will Humphries has been offered a so-far temporary post

as assistant to the Head of Values.

So today, you've got, like, a meeting with Alan...

Yeah, no. Hang on... Alan who?

Crap, I think that's a spelling mistake.

Alan Yentob? Yeah, Yentob, yeah.

Yentob...

Yes? Yeah, at 10:00.

10:00?

As part of his new role, Will has established himself

at a desk in the same general area

as fellow assistant and colleague, Izzy Gould,

as well as to a lesser extent, Jack Patterson.

Yes, I think that might be yesterday.

Yeah, no. Say again?

Are you sure you're looking at today?

Yeah. Okay, no. Well, anyway.

Yeah, that's what you did yesterday.

Yes, but that's always good to know.

Yeah. No worries, yeah, cool.

Yes, no. Brilliant. So before we get started,

this morning's news from Tony-land... Great.

I mean, I think there'll be an email about this anyway,

but he's got this thing in his head. All right.

I mean, it was after he came back from Kerala, really. Oh, bloody hell.

By 9:00, Ian is already taking part

in the Damage Limitation meeting

because that is what he's doing today.

But Simon has some good news to share before they get on to the damage to be limited.

And this'll be because we've all got to be

more bendy and flexible from now on, is it, Simon?

Yes, no. Very good, Tracey. Very strong.

I'm quite happy with where my toes are.

I don't need to bloody touch them.

As part of his vision for "a happier, healthier and better BBC,"

Director General Lord Tony Hall has decided that lunchtime Pilates classes

will be provided free of charge for anyone who wants them.

I mean, I assume this isn't actually compulsory, Simon?

Oh, no, no, no, no. No.

No. I mean, for what it's worth,

it's just something Tony's got a bit obsessed with personally, that's all.

Right. Oh, okay.

It's for anyone who wants it. Cool.

I think the idea is, he might turn up himself occasionally. Right.

The what? He, himself?

Yes. I gather so, yes. Right.

Okay. Groovy.

All righty, jolly good. Onwards. Brilliant.

So, Neil... Righty-ho.

Where are we are up to with this whole Evan Davis thing?

Oh, right. Okay.

Evan Davis? Yes.

Yeah, basically, we're fucked.

Brilliant. No. That's not very good.

In the past 24 hours,

rumours have started to appear on Twitter

that the BBC's Newsnight anchor, Evan Davis,

is to be a contestant on the forthcoming series of Strictly Come Dancing.

Guys, can I just say, we are taking heavy incoming on this

in the press office this morning.

Yeah, I'm not surprised. We love Strictly.

And I'm not being negative or anything, but this is only gonna get worse.

Such a cool show. The fact is, this is important.

Yeah, I know it is. Yes, no. Very good.

It's hard enough to keep the guy still as it is.

The last thing we need is to let him anywhere near sequins.

The fact remains that Newsnight is actually a serious show.

This is an example of an area where the BBC needs to be better.

Yes, no. Brilliant, Anna, brilliant.

Very good. Yes, no. Very strong.

So, hang on, are we saying these rumours are true?

Sure. Yeah, they are, yeah.

They are? Yeah, no. He's obsessed with the idea already.

No, I get it. Totally get it. I mean, cool guy, cool show.

But how did this... These are both BBC shows.

I mean, I have to say it's not Evan's fault, okay? It wasn't his idea.

He's been signed up by some agency.

An agency? Cool.

And they think this would be good for "Brand Evan". Brand Evan?

Yeah, so now, apparently, we have to go through them

whenever we want to talk about it.

Sure, no. Totally good with that.

What kind of agency are we talking about here, Neil?

Oh, I don't know.

Hang on, I've got a bloody email about it somewhere.

Can I just say, not being funny or anything,

but I've got a feeling in my bottom about this and not in a nice way.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, right. Okay. What?

No, sure. Okay.

No. All right, here we go.

Okay. So, here's the thing with this, guys.

This is like, the best thing ever.

Hi, Lucy. Hi.

How are you? Yes, no. I'm fine, thanks. Yes.

Can I just ask, have you done something to your hair? My hair?

Yeah, I don't know. No, not really. Why?

Have you not? I don't know... What do you want, David?

No, no, no. Nothing. Have you got a minute?

Now? Yeah, just while you're drinking your coffee.

Uh... Would you mind if we went somewhere private?

Somewhere private? Yeah.

In here?

I wanted to ask if... What?

I wanted to ask if...

Actually, this is ridiculous. This is a radio studio.

I know. It's soundproof. No one can hear us in here.

No, I just wanted to ask if I could put your name down as a referee?

Oh, right. You applying for a job?

Well... You gonna leave us?

No, no, not leaving. Oh.

Entertainment Format Executive David Wilkes

has made a big decision about himself

and, as a result, has a private favour to ask Producer Lucy Freeman.

At this stage, I don't want, you know, everyone to... Oh, God.

I don't want everyone... You're not.

You know I trust you. You are, aren't you?

You're applying for Director of bloody Better?

Now, I know what you're thinking...

Well, no... Yes, I am actually. Yes.

I won't get it. No.

I know. But do you know what? Anyone can apply for it.

And the thing is, it's like, just by applying,

it puts you in that category straight away, doesn't it?

What, the category of people who haven't got it?

You should apply for it, Lucy. Why don't you apply? Me?

Yes. No, but seriously, I respect you, Lucy.

And I like to think that we work together closely and well.

You... Right.

I mean, apart from anything else, Siobhan,

the issue is conflict of interest for a start.

Nuh-uh. It's not an issue.

I don't see how you can be responsible for Brand BBC

and Brand Evan Davis at the same time.

No, sure. I do everything at the same time. It's what I do. Like, get over it.

Bollocks.

Meanwhile, back in Damage Limitation,

Siobhan is explaining exactly why BBC Two Newsnight anchor Evan Davis

appearing on Strictly Come Dancing is such a cool idea.

But as Current Controller of News and Current Affairs,

Neil Reid is not fully convinced.

Have you got any idea what you're doing here?

Okay. So here's the thing with this. Here's what it is.

What it is, is, okay, so the audience for Strictly is, like, everybody. Okay?

Well... No, it's not a question. It is.

And the audience for Newsnight is, like, nobody. Right?

That's a slight over-simplification.

No, sure. I'm good with that. So, like, Evan does Strictly.

Okay? He's like one cool guy.

Suddenly, I'm, like, "I love this guy."

Like, "You're telling me he's got his own show?"

It's not a fucking chat show. Okay, sure. Whatever.

Interesting though, Neil. Yes.

Interesting way of... Yes, well, shall we come back to that?

Absolutely, yes. Suddenly, it's like you just

rhinocerised your audience for Newsnight overnight.

We are sitting in the best known news organisation in the world, okay?

Hurrah. Yay.

Sorry, Neil.

Newsnight is the current affairs show we're judged on,

basically because we haven't got any other current affairs shows left and believe...

Shame. Believe it or not, people trust us.

God knows why, but they do.

I mean, we get it wrong from time to time.

Brilliant. Yes.

Yes, we do, Neil. Yes. Of course we do.

Yes. But we work bloody hard...

Now, Neil... Look, I just want to see what it sounds like, okay?

Right. I never get to say this stuff.

No, of course. Yes. Brilliant.

Go Neil. Can you imagine

what will happen if the main anchor of that show

starts turning up on Saturday nights

in spray-on trousers and sparkly hair,

clamped to some half-naked orange-faced girl?

Yes, thank you. I can, Neil. No, not you, Tracey.

No, I know. But I'm just saying I can imagine it.

Right, yes. And on another of our own channels.

No. I mean, I have to say, with my Way Ahead hat on,

with charter renewal and everything,

I mean, this really is not going to look great, is it?

Exactly, no. Brilliant.

The fact is, this needs to not happen.

No. I mean, it's an interesting one though, isn't it?

And it needs to not happen now.

I mean, I don't know, I may have got this wrong,

but as the guy with the Way Ahead hat, Ian... Right.

And of course, the Values hat,

I mean, honestly, you've got so many hats...

Yes, all right. Are you saying

this is something you really want to be across personally in an ideal world?

I mean, certainly... I mean, as I say, this is a really...

Brilliant.

I mean, this is a core issue for all of us, I think.

Brilliant, Ian. Brilliant. Yep.

Okay. All righty. Fabulous. Yes.

Right. Righty-ho.

Crap.

Meanwhile, at his new desk in the general area of new colleague, Izzy Gould,

Will Humphries is between sessions on his Syncopatico induction course.

Crap.

Whoa.

Jesus. What? What?

No, no, no. What's wrong?

The theory is, that by the end of the course,

he'll be automatically synced to everyone and everything around him,

whether they realise it or not.

That's me! Yeah. Say again.

That's my stuff you've got there.

Whoa. I was working on that. What've you done?

That's amazing.

It just does it. We're doing Syncopatipair this morning.

Syncopatipair? Yeah.

Right. Well... And the same thing happened with this girl there.

Okay, you have to undo this. The guy said he'd never seen that before.

You have to undo it now. Yeah, good luck.

Yeah. 'Cause, like, I don't know what I did.

Right, okay. Give me that.

Is it always girls? What? Yeah, I don't know.

Because, you 've got to say, that's pretty impressive.

Okay, System Preferences. You're gonna need your password.

Yeah. Want to put it in?

Yeah, okay.

Crap. Not having much luck there, are you?

Okay, cool, yeah, so it's not working. At least we know that.

Okay, what is it?

You can't just have his password.

I don't care, he can choose a new one. What is it, Will?

Yeah. Yeah, so...

Will?

I.

Z.

Z.

Z.

Y.

Y. Right.

Yeah.

Then, G.

G. Yep.

O. O-U-L-D.

Yeah. O-U-L-D. Yeah.

And then 4. 4?

Yeah, I don't know. That's just, like, a number.

Yeah, crap. Right.

You can try my name, if you like.

Yeah. Shall I spell it for you?

Yeah, no. Say again. Shut up.

In fact, I sometimes say to my beginners

that Pilates is about three things,

breathing, engaging your core, and posture.

Or, as we call them, the pelvic three. Brilliant.

Meanwhile, it's Friday.

And there's an impressive turnout for the first ever

free lunchtime BBC Pilates session.

Even though Director General Lord Tony Hall himself hasn't so far arrived yet.

Now, especially if you're just starting... No. The fact is that...

So we're not actually talking. The fact is, I...

We're not talking, we're just listening at this point.

So, in Pilates, we breathe in through the nose...

Two, three, four.

And then we're exhaling though the mouth...

Two, three, four.

Inhaling through. Yes. So, we're doing it now. Yes?

Inhaling through the nose. Two, three, four.

And then when we exhale, we're going to suck the belly button right into the spine

Two, three, four.

Can I ask a question? Of course. Yeah.

When we're breathing, should we be two, three, fouring, like you?

Well... No.

'Cause I'm not being funny or anything,

but what with inhaling and exhaling,

and sucking and what have you...

No, you don't have to do that. The fact is...

Okay, and stop breathing.

Sorry, Anna. Sorry, guys.

Uh, we are actually... No, that's okay, Jack. Come in.

No, it's just, I finally got hold of Alice

in Tony's office. Yes.

Just so you now, he's not actually in this morning. Right.

Okay. Apparently, he and Simon went to...

Yes, okay. Yes, so I just...

Yes. Okay, good. Sure.

Right. Okay, if we're done?

So, what we're going to do, we're going to take what we've learned

about our breathing and we're going to...

Yeah. So, I'm gonna go, I'm afraid.

Right. Sorry.

No. Well, that's... The fact is, I've run out of time.

Uh, good luck with the breathing, obviously. Sure.

Perhaps another time. Well, yes. Let's hope so, perhaps.

Yes.

Okay. So, what we're going to do now,

we're going to take what we've learned from our breathing

and we're gonna get familiar with our pelvic girdle.

All right. Okay. Oh, my God.

Actually, do you know what? Just while we've stopped...

Okay, sure.

I think I'm gonna have to go as well. Brilliant.

Right. Yes, no. Very good.

Sorry. I mean, if that's gonna be all right. No, yes. I mean...

Really sorry. It's just, um,

some stuff I promised I'd look at for this afternoon.

Well, again, maybe next time. No, sure. Absolutely. Really enjoyed it, by the way.

Good. Brilliant.

Thank you so much. Yeah, no. Really, really great. Have fun, everybody.

Righty-ho.

Okay. Well, I have to say it is unusual to lose so many this early.

Yes. But the fewer the number, the greater the glory.

Can I just say, just so you know, I'm not going anywhere.

Sure. 'Cause I'm not being funny or anything,

I don't know about you, but if you get a chance

to get familiar with your pelvic girdle for free,

I'm gonna take it.

Oh, no. Tell me about it.

Hi. Oh, hi. Lucy, yes. How are you?

Yes, fine. Yes. Great.

Actually, I've been... That's really great.

Listen, I was gonna email you, actually. Yes, so was I.

No, great. I was gonna ask if you'd be able to just

scribble something down on paper for me.

Scribble something down? Yeah, or you know, or in an email.

Just a record of where we're up to with Home Truth.

Oh, okay. Right, Okay. Yeah.

At the moment, Generic Head of Comedy and/or Drama, Matt Taverner,

is a particularly busy man.

And among the many projects that are currently uppermost in his mind

is his interview for the new Director of Better post at the end of the week.

When would you need this thing by?

Sure, it'd be really good to get something in the next few days.

Right. Tomorrow would be really great.

'Cause I still haven't managed to get hold of Dan since the meeting.

No, sure. He's not returning emails or picking up messages.

Sure. I'm a bit worried, actually.

I'm not sure what's happened to him.

No, sure. That's really great. What do you think about Neighbourhoods?

Neighbourhood? Sorry. Yeah.

As a title, I mean. A title?

Yeah, I don't know. I've just got this feeling...

But after the meeting, Matt, Home Truth was about the only thing left.

Yeah, no. Sure, absolutely. Right.

Thanks, Lucy. That'd be really great.

If Evan Davis does Strictly Come Dancing,

he's crossed the fucking Rubicon, okay?

Excuse me?

He's never doing Newsnight again.

Okay, so that's, like, discrimination. Okay?

What? Well, hang on...

So that's illegal right off of the bat.

It's another morning and Ian has asked Neil, Tracey and Siobhan

to come in early for a breakfast meeting.

Overnight, the contestants for the next series of Strictly Come Dancing

have been officially and irrevocably announced.

Okay, okay. Here's the deal here, okay?

Evan is like a living, breathing... I mean, he's like a person. Okay?

He's always wanted to dance.

He's, like, obsessed with Kylie.

Like, he can do Can't Get You Out of My Head with all the moves, okay?

This is like his moment, okay?

This is where shit happens for him.

This is gonna change his life. Right.

Blimey. Bollocks.

Okay, he doesn't do Strictly, he's not doing Newslight. Okay?

Newsnight. Sure. Whatever. Period.

That's the deal here, guys. Fine. Okay.

Evan's actually said that to you? Sure.

No, I'm sorry, Siobhan, I don't... I'm saying it to you now.

Okay? Get over it.

Fine, great. Deal. Right.

Cool. Great.

Sure. Fine.

Right, okay. Good.

Do you know what? Maybe they're not a Scottish family. Okay?

Maybe they're, like, an Indian family, okay?

What is it those Indian things... It's like you sit on them

and you hit them at the same time?

For a while now, David Wilkes has been working on the format

of Family Face-Off, a theoretical idea for a new BBC One show.

But drawing on past experience,

Head of Output, Anna Rampton, has induced

Producer Lucy Freeman to work alongside him,

in order to help him make it less theoretical.

And the other one can do, like, twerking. Yeah, all right.

And the great thing about this format, Anna...

There are some details still to be finalised.

But luckily, Anna has the ability

to see past detail to the potential benefits

of a show that's mainstream, warm, inclusive, and hers.

The fact is, people don't think in formats. They think in faces.

I know, exactly. Yes. Right.

If this thing's gonna work, we need contemporary faces attached from the start.

Right. Contemporary faces?

Yes. Exactly, yes. Yes.

Yes. Right.

So, a thought I had, guys, and stay with me on this,

Idris Elba.

Right. Idris Elba?

I know.

But he's not actually a presenter, is he? No, he isn't. No.

I know, but he's just such a beautiful man.

Right. Okay.

And the thing is, do you know what?

Sometimes you just got to make things happen,

instead of hoping they'll happen.

The fact is, no one's hoping that'll happen. No.

Least of all Idris. Right, no. Okay.

Can I just say, it's difficult this, isn't it?

But, hang on, sorry. Surely, um...

'Cause I'm only... I'm just catching up here.

This is absolutely your thing, David.

Oh, I know. But what is it you're wanting to do here?

To do? Yes.

No, sorry. You lost me already there, Lucy.

I mean, if you really want to make this an inclusive thing...

Yes. Exactly, yes. If that's what this is about.

Well, the fact is, this is about being better. Oh, absolutely. Yes.

And inclusive, obviously. Yes.

Okay, so there are lots of ways...

Ainsley Harriott. No.

No, okay. Sorry, Lucy.

No, I was just... There are lots of ways of, I mean, I don't know...

If you've got some kid who can play like the saxophone,

get Courtney Pine in as a mentor or judge.

Yes.

You know, or get Madhur Jaffrey if you've got some Dad cooking curry.

Genius. Yes, exactly.

You know, or get what's-his-name if you've got a kid

who can do cartwheels or whatever. Uh...

Gymnast, did Strictly... Ooh, ooh, Louis Smith!

Louis Smith. Yes. Yes.

Ah, lovely Louis. Stop it, Lucy. Yes. Okay, good.

And, I don't know, Family Face-Off, if you really want inclusive,

call it One Big Family or something instead.

One Big Family?

Can I just say, I can feel the wand of history passing over us.

But, like I say, this isn't my area.

I don't know how these things work.

So, in this scenario, Ian, Evan would be like

an undercover reporter on Strictly, would he?

Well... Cool.

Undercover?

Yes. He's Evan fucking Davis.

He so is.

Back in Frankie Howerd, they may be in the Last Chance Saloon

with Evan Davis-gate, but Ian has come up with an idea

that could just be the best option available to them,

given that they haven't got any other options.

But I suppose the question is, is there an angle on Strictly

that a programme like Newsnight

might just be doing a report on? This is a joke, right?

Well... Evan Davis embedded in Elstree?

Well, okay, if you like.

All I'm asking... I mean, would that help us at all?

Right. No. Bollocks, Ian.

Sure, I'm totally good with that.

But if the idea is to work,

the challenge is to find an angle on Strictly Come Dancing

that's serious enough to be worthy of Newsnight.

When you say an angle, Ian... I mean, is there...

Okay, okay. Shoes.

Well, no. Shoes?

Like how everyone loves heels. I've seen stuff on that. That's such a cool idea.

Yes, I'm not sure that's really Newsnight territory, is it, Neil?

You expect me to answer that? Right. Okay, no.

Okay, okay, gay stuff. "Gay stuff?"

What? Like, why we're all gay these days.

I mean, that's a no-brainer. Right, I think that's perhaps a bit...

Can I just say, I'm finding it difficult to think here.

I just mean, is there something that feels

a bit more heavyweight than, you know, shoes?

Heavyweight? Yes.

Okay, right. Fat people.

No. Not fat people, Siobhan. That's really not... That's not very...

It's not very good. Well, I mean, it's... Although...

What? I mean, I suppose body image is something.

Sure. Body image?

Oh, right. You know, the whole body stereotyping issue.

Sure, exactly. Fat people. Like I said, it's perfect.

I mean, it is an area that's in the air at the moment.

Yes. I mean, it really is, sort of... It...

Actually, could you stop doing that, please, Siobhan? Sure.

Yes. It's just a bit difficult...

Sure, I'm good with that. Yeah, shut up.

Right. No, yes, it's just...

Like, I had to finish. Right?

No, I don't know, it just feels like it might be

something in this general area.

Sure, totally.

'Cause I'm not being funny or anything, but when you actually think of it,

when was the last time anyone fat or old ever actually won Strictly Come Dancing?

Nuh-uh. Well, yes.

No. That's, like, ew. Not gonna happen.

Also, as a woman, I am going to say this.

Personally, I've had about enough of being compared to Abbey Clancy all the time.

Well, yes, that must be... We love Abbey.

I'm sure it's the same for men. Well, it... Yes.

No. I think I would believe that gender stereotyping is an area that Newsnight

might get itself involved with. Sure, totally.

I've gotta say, I agree, Ian. I mean, Neil?

Yeah, I'm always being compared to Abbey Clancy. Right.

It's a bloody nightmare. Right. Okay.

We should just tell him. No.

We're all grown-ups. Well, you and I are anyway.

I'm not asking him to move. I'm not gonna do that.

That's all right. I'll do it for you.

Elsewhere in the building,

Izzy and Jack have taken some time out

to discuss professional issues of their own.

It's a nightmare.

You never know what he's gonna pair himself with next.

Just 'cause Will's a nice guy...

Oh, you know, he's lovely. He's just useless, that's all.

Like, he shouldn't actually be an assistant.

It's not great for us, is it? What?

Well, to be on the same... God, that's so typical.

What? Will tries really hard at everything he does.

Yeah, and that just makes the fact he's useless even worse.

It's not like it's gonna be an issue for me. But it's...

What do you mean it's not gonna be an issue for you?

No, nothing. I just... No, tell me. I'm gonna find out.

Really? Don't do this. Just tell me.

All I'm saying is, it's you I'm thinking about.

Bloody hell. It's Anna, isn't it? What? No.

She's gonna get the job. Is she?

Come on, what's she offered you? This is all you.

It's Development, isn't it? Or Research?

I haven't said anything. Great. So that just leaves me and bloody Will.

I thought he was a nice guy. What?

See? I told you. It's you I'm thinking about.

Monday. Some more things have happened,

and it's the start of a new and different week at the BBC.

Anna Rampton is arriving at New Broadcasting House

this morning, with even more of an awareness than usual

of being a woman walking towards her destiny.

But, meanwhile, inside in the Syncopaticafe,

writer Dan Shepherd has come down to London from Wetherby

and has asked if he can come in

and talk to Lucy Freeman about the future.

'Cause the thing is, I don't know anything about Walthamstow.

No, no. I don't even know how you get there.

Like I said on the phone, it's not about the script, really, Dan.

Yeah, and I suppose you just get a bus.

Since Generic Head of Comedy and/or Drama, Matt Taverner's idea

of setting Dan's small town love story, either Home Truth

or Neighbourhood, in Walthamstow instead of Scarborough,

he's had time to think about that.

Depending on how you feel about it all,

I think we might actually be able to make this work in our favour

if we're really careful about it. Yeah.

Dan?

Yeah, no, it's fine. I think I might have had enough though, really.

No, no. If that's okay with you?

Obviously, I don't want to... No, you mustn't. You can't just give up.

Actually, I should probably get off, really. No, no.

Don't want to miss my train.

No, 'cause if you give up, then I mean... You can't.

The thing is I'm looking after my landlady's cat. So...

Yes, but you mustn't let it defeat you, Dan.

No, it's okay. It's just old.

It keeps forgetting where it is and then it panics.

It's nearly 10:00

and Ian is on his way back from somewhere for a meeting.

Hi. Yes. Hi, yes.

I didn't have you down as a smoker.

No, I'm not. Right.

Yes, they're horrid, yes.

You okay?

Yes, no. I'm fine, thanks. No, yes. I'm just out here.

Right.

Yeah, so, first of all, we should probably say,

"All hail Her Royal Highness, Princess Anna of Better."

Right, yes. Yay!

Brilliant! Okay, no.

All hail. Yeah, great.

Meanwhile, inside, in Tommy Cooper,

momentous and much anticipated events are unfolding.

I'm sorry, Simon. Can I ask something?

Yes, of course, Tracey. Of course you can.

I've got to say, as something of a woman myself,

it's great that Anna has got this job, obviously.

Yes. Sure.

Brilliant. Go, Anna!

I'm sorry, I am going to say this, Director of Better what?

Ah, yes. No, very good.

With Anna Rampton now officially confirmed

as the BBC's first ever Director of Better,

this is a potentially defining moment for everyone else.

Yes, no. Brilliant, Tracey. Brilliant.

Anna, I don't know if you want to say a few words at this point.

No. No? Okay.

Not at this stage, no. Brilliant.

The fact is there'll be an email introducing myself globally.

Cool. Of course. Brilliant.

Right. I'm totally good with that.

All righty. So, moving on...

No. Hang on a minute. Neil, yes. Of course.

What's the bloody answer? Brilliant.

I mean, it's got to mean something, hasn't it?

Exactly, yes. Thank you, Neil, yes.

No. Brilliant, Neil, really.

No, listen, for what it's worth,

I guess, in Tony's head,

I mean, listen, what can any of us know about Tony's head?

But I think basically it's about, you know, it's about interrogating

everything we currently do and asking the question, you know...

Asking the, you know, the... Yes.

"Is this as good as it could be?"

Is this as good as it could be?

And I guess, from now on, if it doesn't get past the Director of Better,

we don't do it.

No. Right.

So, it is a really big job, then? Oh, yes. No, absolutely, yes.

Yes. No, sure.

I got to say, that is exactly what I thought. Righty-ho.

Bloody great. Goody-good.

I don't want to work on Family bloody Fuck Up,

or whatever it's gonna be called.

Right. That's not what I thought I'd end up doing.

What did you think you'd end up doing? I don't know.

Back outside, meanwhile, as Head of Values,

Ian has made an executive decision

to be late for a meeting for once,

to offer Lucy some carrot cake and listen to her talk about her own job instead.

I don't have to do this. I could get a job behind a bar or something.

Well, yes... You know, or work in a garden centre.

Yes, no. Garden centre's good.

I'd be really good at that, too.

No responsibility.

I've always wanted to do that.

No, 'cause the thing with that is, in summer you're outside

and if it's raining or in winter,

you can drink tea all day long. Yes.

So, either way, you can't really lose. Exactly. Yes, no.

Mmm.

Thanks. That was really kind of you.

Well, no. It was great. Yes, no. It looks nice.

Really good carrot cake. Yes.

Also, thanks for, you know, for listening. Well, no.

Helping me reason it out. It's kind of scary and exciting all at the same time.

What is?

One of those things, I think, "Why didn't I do it ages ago?"

No, wait. Lucy...

Why has it taken me this long? No, no, no, no.

What? No, Lucy, you can't do this.

You can't just...

I mean, you're the sort of person that BBC depends on.

Yes, I know. That's why I want to leave.

The BBC is facing mounting criticism tonight

after it announced that Evan Davis is to appear as a contestant

in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing.

And she's, like, there's gonna be this new job.

Do we really have to do this? Yeah, welcome to my world.

Basically, they'd like it to be you.

You mean, you? Me. Yes, I know. Yes!

Right. Yes, I know. Me!

Ian Fletcher, this is a bit of an own goal for you, isn't it?

The fact is, this would be some kind of event, would it?

Another example of both you and the BBC being, frankly, a bit useless.

Yes, I know.

Anna has locked herself in the toilet. In the toilet?

Ugh. Just say something, you stupid bitch.

The fact is, I can't do this.

You are so going to kill here, girl.

Thanks, Ian. That was great.

No, I don't want this. I don't want it.