Original subtitles

Standby, two. Mix through. Cue on two.

The BBC has announced the appointment

of ex-head of Olympic Deliverance, Ian Fletcher,

as its new Head of Values.

Time now for the Shipping Forecast.

Superimpose.

It's Wednesday at the BBC's London Headquarters.

All Wednesdays are important at New Broadcasting House,

and this is no exception.

If there's anything in particular His Royal Highness

would like to see or do whilst he's here,

please let us know, obviously. Sure, yes.

We know he doesn't do sweetcorn. No.

Prince Charles's Private Relations Secretary, Camilla Ford,

and Clarence House Head of Hidden Security, Richard Cartwright,

have both arrived in person to go through the fine theory

of the forthcoming visit to the BBC of the heir to the future throne of England.

This is Camilla. Right. Hi, Ian Fletcher.

Hi. Camilla? What are the chances...

Yeah, no, don't. Right, okay, no.

And this is Richard Cartwright.

Ian. Richard, good to meet you.

Yeah, Dick, really.

Sorry? Oh, right.

It's Dick really, not Richard. Yeah.

Right, okay, fine. Dick actually looks after the security side of things.

Right, okay. Well, pretty important guy then.

Yes. Don't know about that,

I just tag along most of the time.

Yes, what is it pilots say?

It's actually really boring until something goes wrong.

Well, exactly, yeah. Yes.

Yes, Dick actually is a pilot.

Right, okay. Well, I was.

A real one. Well, yes.

A squadron leader in the RAF. Right, good.

Well, I mean, shall we just go in and make a... Okay, guys?

Ah, right. All right, okay.

We good? Hello, Dave.

So, guys, this is...

Dave Green is the BBC's own Head of Security

at New Broadcasting House.

Camilla. Richard.

Apologies. Well, actually, technically, I'm not late,

you guys are early, which is fine, by the way, but...

Yeah. We've had an issue with Huw Edwards this morning,

I can't go into detail, I'm afraid. Right.

Yeah, it's Dick, by the way. Sorry, Richard?

It's Dick, not Richard. Yeah.

Fair enough, Richard, noted. Right.

Right. Okay, well, shall we? Yeah.

Like to start outside, guys, if that's good for everyone.

Right. Yeah.

Dave is not only responsible for the fail-safe security system

that completely surrounds New Broadcasting House,

but also personally devised much of the Syncopaticurity software

that makes it theoretically effective

in almost any theoretical circumstance.

We do operate a fail-safe, intelligent,

zonal lock-down system in the building,

whereby in the event of a problem in one area...

Which there won't be, okay?

...adjacent areas will start to go into automatic lockdown,

in sequence, until the entire building is secure.

Until, or I should say unless,

such time as that process is manually deselected.

Well, that's good to know.

I believe it's the same system as used in the White House, Richard.

Is it? I believe so, yes.

God. It's Dick.

Dick, yes. Indeed, apologies, my mistake, Richard.

Yeah. Okay, good.

So, once we're happy the royal vehicles have arrived and are...

Uh, sorry, I should say "are arrived"

via Langham Street,

and are secured in the holding position,

I will seek clearance from you, Richard,

to move to the live phase of the operation.

Okay. Now, assuming you come back to me

with a "go", I will at that point

assume control of the rising bollards personally.

Okay, go. Thank you, Richard.

Dick. Yeah, never mind.

Currently, as you can see,

they're in what we call their secure or raised aspect,

in which aspect, you could drive

a Bulldog armoured support vehicle at them

and, I promise you, you will come off worse.

Right, really? Oh, right.

That's very... Excuse me, come off "worst".

Very reassuring. Yeah, luckily, I think he'll probably be

in a Range Rover. Range Rover, yes, absolutely.

Handy thing about this, Richard,

single Wi-Fi handset that changes functionality

depending on where it's detected in the building.

Yeah, I've just got a Samsung, I'm afraid.

Okay. But I have got the number of the RAF in there if I need it.

Right. Right, okay, so that's all good.

It's half past 1:00 in the afternoon

and I frankly can't see us getting this done.

By the end of the day it's time to go home.

But up on the sixth floor, PA Izzy Gould

has been asked, at short-notice,

to somehow watch four series of Top Gear episodes

and record the occurrence of certain words for editorial reasons.

Whoa, Top Gear. Yes, it's riveting.

Yeah, no, 'cause my sister's got like a VW Beetle.

Really? Yeah, but like a new one. It's pretty cool.

Yes, anyway, at the moment, they're driving tractors through Belgium.

Cool. Well, okay, good luck anyway.

Thanks. Yeah.

Bye. Bye.

Will? Yeah, I don't know.

What? Well, maybe I could do that.

Well... Do this?

Yeah, cool. Uh, well, I mean...

Yes... I mean, it's supposed to be done by the end of tomorrow.

Yeah, no worries, yeah. Right.

Well, I suppose if you actually really want to... Yeah, I do, yeah.

I mean, I have to say that would be really... Cool.

Yes. 'Cause to be honest,

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

I mean, are you really sure about this though, Izzy?

'Cause, I mean, it is quite important to get this right, isn't it?

Yes. Yeah, that's okay, I don't mind.

It's a matter of making a note of exactly where Jeremy

uses the word "tosser" in all of these shows.

Okay, cool, yeah, no worries, "tosser".

I mean, you don't have to start right now, Will.

Yeah, no, it's cool.

No, 'cause it's like, I could put it on my CV.

On your CV? Yeah.

Right. Cool.

Yes, great.

No, Dan, you mustn't, you can't just...

Meanwhile, Producer Lucy Freeman

is on the phone to writer Dan Sheppard,

following generic Head of Comedy and/or Drama Matt Taverner's suggestion

of re-imagining his Scarborough-based

love story in Walthamstow.

The thing is, if you give up now, then, what's...

I think I might just end up throwing myself off a bridge.

What? No, I'm not, I'm serious.

Well, I don't know. There are lots of them,

I'll have to ask around and just decide on one.

Yes, please, any time. Okay, speak soon.

Okay, bye. Bye. Bye.

Hi.

How are you? Yes, you know, yes.

Good. Yes, fine.

Right.

Doors opening.

Walthamstow? I know, I know.

That's a bit of a stretch from Scarborough, isn't it?

I finally get a meeting with Matt Taverner to talk about it.

I've been trying to see him for, like, days.

So, it's supposed to be 7:00,

so I hang around, then I get this email just now.

He can't make it. Right.

He's got to go to some silent opera with Alan Yentob,

which he must have known all along.

Yes. Doors opening.

I just feel really guilty about Dan, you know? Yes.

He's up there in Wetherby, he's had to move out,

he's living with his old English teacher.

Right. And I'm the one who's been telling him

to have faith all the time. Well, no, that's...

I'm sorry, I'm going on about it. No, I asked.

It's just been one of those days.

I mean, living with your old English teacher... Yes.

That's never good.

From the sound of it, though, from everything you say, none of this is your fault.

I know you shouldn't let this stuff get to you,

but sometimes it's just... Yes.

No, the thing is, I know it's all to do

with this new "Director of Thingy" job really.

Right. Matt's applying for it, I know he is.

That's what it's all about.

Hang on, what new job?

What? Director of what?

No. I mean, I don't know.

What?

Right, okay.

It's another day at a different time,

and Siobhan has come over from Perfect Curve

to bring The Way Ahead task force up to speed

with exactly where the BBC Wimbledon brand

mash-up is currently at.

Right, okay, can we stop this now?

Sure. Yes.

Go, Andy! Yes.

Brilliant.

Okay, the next one's so cool.

So, like, all the balls will have the BBC logo on them. Right.

So you can keep this, I don't want it.

Brilliant. Brilliant. Siobhan, I...

I'm not being picky or anything, 'cause I'm not like that,

but I can't help noticing what I can only describe

as a bit of a spelling mistake here.

Yeah. Nuh-uh.

Yes, I'm afraid so. Yeah, it's "Wimbledon".

De nada. Jesus.

No, I hate to say this, Siobhan, it is Wimbledon, I'm afraid,

not "Win-bledon".

Not any more, it isn't.

Oh, right. Here we go.

BBC "Win-bledon".

Right. Duh!

Right, okay, I see, you've...

It's a totally cool idea.

It's a win-win situation for like, the BBC

and Wimbledon. Bollocks.

Right, well... 360-degree winsomeness.

What? We can come back to the mash-up idea in a moment,

I mean, if we actually have to. Sure.

But one thing we absolutely do need to get right

is the whole, you know...

No matter how mashed up

BBC Win-bledon now is as a concept,

Ian is keen to talk about something else.

In this case, the sensitive issue of possible monohogeneity

in the BBC's coverage of lawn tennis.

I just think that in the context of renewal,

addressing this issue properly

is something that's going to be critical.

The fact is, Wimbledon is something...

Win-bledon. BBC Win-bledon.

...is something that we do well, but the fact is

we should be looking at ways of doing it better than well.

Yes, no. Very good, Anna. That's been my point all along.

No, really honestly, fabulous. Right. Well...

Okay, so, three words, guys.

"Jo", "Wilfried" and "Tsonga".

Right. Brilliant.

Jo-Wilfried Tsonga? Sure.

Okay.

But it turns out that the team at Perfect Curve

have already been thinking about the idea

of augmenting the BBC Wimbledon team

with new commentators, or experts,

who are ethnically not so much white.

This is a person? Yes.

Yeah, he's French, yeah. Super good.

They've discovered that there's someone called Jo-Wilfried Tsonga

who's currently ranked number 12 in the world.

And what's more, at tennis.

Okay, yes, good. So, his mum's like French and his dad's like whatever.

Yes, no, I'm not being funny or anything,

but I play a bit of tennis myself.

You do? Yes.

Christ. Not at that standard, Neil, obviously.

And I've got to say,

Jo-Wilfried Tsonga is actually good news for the game.

Sure. So, wait a minute,

you're actually in contact with him?

We love Jo-Wilfried. He's one cool dude.

What I like about him, he's an athletic player, obviously,

especially on grass,

but the great thing about him is he actually smiles. Yes.

Cool girlfriend. Yeah.

So, Siobhan... Sure.

Just to be... Yep, no, sure.

You've actually... No, sure, yeah.

Sorry, I am going to ask you this question, I'm afraid.

No, I'm too good for that. Just to be clear, what you're saying is,

you're in contact with Jo-Wilfried Tsonga about this.

No, what it is, is, how it works,

we just need an "in" with, like, his people

and then we're totally all set with this. An "in with his people"?

Sure, and then we're totally good to go.

Right. Okay. Oh, right.

Guys, this is what we do, okay?

Bollocks. Either nut up here,

or get off the bus at Loser's Creek.

Yeah, brilliant. Brilliant.

Fabulous.

Whoa.

Whoa, cool.

Hi, Will. What?

Oh, hey, yeah. Hey, Izzy, hey, yeah.

How's it going? Yeah, no, it's pretty cool.

Meanwhile, after many hours of careful observation,

Will has almost completed his task of watching

four years' worth of Top Gear shows

and counting the number of "tossers".

Twenty-seven? Yeah, 27, yeah,

and that's exactly where they all happened.

Right, that's really great, Will. So where are the time codes?

Yeah, no, what? Say again?

We need to know exactly where he uses the words so they can do the edit.

He says it once, like in Bulgaria.

No, but that's what the time codes are for.

Yeah, another time they're, like, in a car park.

Yeah, yeah.

God, Will... Yeah, no worries, it's my own fault.

So near, yet so far.

Yeah, I'm not gonna put this on my CV.

At last, after all the planning,

it's two weeks later,

and it's the day of the royal visit.

Oh, God. Oh, hi, Lucy.

David, I didn't see you there.

No, I know. I mean, what are you doing?

My God, you look sensational, Lucy.

Well, no, thank you... I love what that dress does to your hips.

My hips? Have you got a moment?

I was gonna ask you if you might be able to do me a favour.

David, this isn't... I need to be...

No, no, no, only if you can be bothered, Lucy,

and only if the situation arises, obviously.

But I was gonna ask you if you'd be able to give him this.

What? No, no, I know.

I mean, I'd do it myself, but I'm not included in the party.

Is this a joke? What it is, is,

I'm developing this show, Family Face-Off for Anna...

David, I am not giving Prince Charles your card.

And it's basically, each week, it's like...

I don't care, I am not giving Prince Charles your card.

And it would just be such a great thing for like all of us

if he agreed to be a part of it.

Yes. And that's all I'm thinking about here.

Yes, but, I'm sorry, I'm not doing it. That's ridiculous.

Do you want to think about it, Lucy? No.

No, okay. No, I don't.

No, I'll just leave it with you anyway, Lovely Lucy.

Okay, copy that. And we are amber here, guys.

I say again, amber, amber, amber.

With Prince Charles due to arrive at midday,

by 11:40, there are only 20 minutes left to go,

and the royal greeting party is gathering

up in the Director General's outer office.

Just to say, guys, the royal convoy has left Clarence House

and is now inbound in to us here.

Right. All righty.

Thanks, Dave. Right. Here we go.

Yes. I've asked Lucy Freeman to be down in reception already

just to keep an eye on things down there.

Good-o. So, guys, we are all set.

Everyone is aware that this of all days is a day

where absolutely nothing can go wrong.

I'll just step in, shall I, Alice?

And give Tony a prod? Okay, fine.

I mean, I'm sure he's ready, but sometimes

he can get himself into a frankly unnecessary

last-minute state about his hair.

Hi, yes, only me.

Ready when you are, Mr McGill.

Right. Good.

Yeah, hi. Go ahead.

Okay. Right. Where?

Not being funny or anything, Ian,

but I don't mind saying I am going to need a loo at some point

before I meet His Royal Highness. Yes. Right. Okay.

Okay, no, I've got eyes on it.

It's the same when I get on an aeroplane, I don't know why it is.

Yes, no, well... Okay, no.

Okay, yep.

Okay, shut it down.

What? I say again, shut it down.

9:30, Thursday. I've got you in.

Perfect. Bye.

Hi, Will. Oh, yeah, hi. No, nothing.

So, I'm going now? All right, okay. Going where?

Yeah, I know, I don't mind. What?

But even though it's a royal day for the BBC in general,

it's not such a good day for Will.

Yeah, no, 'cause like, they rejected my CV.

Yeah, like, they said aeroplanes wasn't really a skill.

Oh, no, but that's...

Aeroplanes? Yeah, I know, crap.

Yeah, bad luck.

Oh, Will, no.

The BBC HR Department has thrown out Will's application

for the post of assistant to the Head of Values.

Thanks for... It's been great to have you around.

Yeah. And, you know, good luck with...

Yeah, no. Good luck.

Yeah, thanks. Yeah, you, too.

Yeah, bye! Okay, cool.

Um... What?

Would... Can I like, take a picture of you?

Uh, yeah, I mean...

Okay, cool. I mean, where do you want me?

What? Yeah, that's... Say again. No worries, yeah, cool.

Here?

Yeah, no, crap, hang on.

No... Shall I?

Yeah, no. Do you want a hand?

It's my own fault. I'll take it.

Crap. No, Jack.

It's all right. I'll take both of you. Well...

Say again. Here.

You're in "photos", not "camera".

Yeah, I know, crap.

So, who's this?

No, Jack, don't. It's okay, I'm just...

Give it back. Yeah, that's my sister.

Wow. Nice sister. Yeah.

Jack! It's okay, I'm going to take it.

Jack, no! Who's this?

Come on, it's Will's, give it back.

No, who's this with your sister? Jack! Give it to me.

See?

This is your sister? Yeah, she does water-skiing sometimes.

She's really good.

Will, I don't mean to pry... Oh, I do.

Yeah, no, that's okay. No, I really do.

So, who actually is that with her?

Oh, yeah, that's JW, yeah. He's pretty cool.

JW? Yeah, Jo-Wilfried, yeah.

Jo-Wilfried? Yeah.

Right. See?

So, guys, this is going to get busy.

We've got a suspicious object in the plaza. What?

Okay, no.

But suddenly, as can sometimes happen

on days when nothing can go wrong, it does.

Suspicious object. What?

No, three. Outside in the plaza.

Yeah, okay, copy that. Siobhan.

What? I'm sorry, guys, we are in live lockdown.

Siobhan. Okay, no.

Oh, bloody great!

Who else would be carrying a rucksack with Sue Barker's head on it?

I say again, we are in live lockdown.

Gonna have to ask you to stay where you are.

No, but I know who that is.

Excuse me? I don't know what the hell she's doing here,

but I definitely know whose bag that is.

I'm sorry, Ian, the world is full of rucksacks

with Sue Barker's face on them.

Well, but... No, it isn't! Also...

That's a ridiculous thing to say.

Also, it doesn't look right.

Well, that's neither here nor...

Apparently, they've spelled Wimbledon wrong.

God. Now, in my world that's a big red flag.

No, that's deliberate. What is?

"BBC Win-bledon."

It's, uh... It's supposed to look like that. Yes.

Look, sorry, guys... Her name is Siobhan Sharpe. She's a PR, she's...

Brand BBC consultant. Yes, exactly, yes. I've got her number in my phone.

You're telling me she's with us today.

Well, I mean... No, she's bloody not.

No, she... I'm sorry, Ian. This is nothing to do with her.

Look, Tracey... Yes, can she just shut up?

Your sister taught Jo-Wilfried Tsonga to water-ski?

Yeah, I know. Yeah. Brilliant.

Yeah, he didn't really want to.

She was an instructor in, I don't know,

like, the Caribbean one year. Like, it was really hot.

But he wasn't supposed to water-ski because of, like, his tennis.

But she made him anyway.

Meanwhile, Izzy and Jack are coming to terms with

the possibility that Will may have managed to find a solution

to the BBC's Wimbledon problem

by accidentally having a sister.

Yeah, so now, like, when he plays at Wimbledon they all come and stay.

What do you mean stay? Stay where?

Jo-Wilfred Tsonga comes and stays at your house?

In Wimbledon? Is that where you live?

Yeah. I have to sleep in, like, above the garage for, like, a fortnight.

But that's okay, it's pretty cool up there.

He's such a cool guy. Utterly fucking brilliant.

And one time he tried to teach me, like, a backhand,

but my mother left the bedroom window closed and...

Attention, this is a security alert.

Code seven. I say again, code seven, Cafe Nero.

Basically, no one leaves or...

No, seven. Code seven.

No, "Cafe Nero" is, like, the name of the cafe.

With the heir to the throne minutes away

and fast approaching, fast,

Dave Green knows he can't afford to take a risk of any kind,

whether it's a risk or not.

So, what we're gonna do, Ian,

I need you to be clear on this,

we've got this individual under control,

but we're gonna have to...

Attention, this is a security alert.

Right, okay. That's okay, guys.

That's normal. Normal?

So, the fact is, can somebody open those?

So, what I'm gonna ask you to do, Ian... I can't believe this.

Can we turn that thing off?

After following up Ian's potential lead, someone has been discovered

in the cafe claiming to fit Siobhan's description

and Dave has had an idea for verifying her identity.

Okay, let's do it. I'll put her on speaker phone.

What do you want me to say to her? Excuse me?

What do you want me to say to her?

So, you're going to ask her

to confirm her identity to you.

I know who she is, I can see her.

Yeah, no. That's definitely Siobhan.

You guys are in serious shit. Let me go.

Siobhan. Hi, it's Ian.

Ian, what the fuck?

I know this is completely ridiculous, but...

Let go of my arm, fuck face. Okay?

Siobhan, I'm going to ask you to confirm who you are to me.

What is this? Some weird shit?

No, we have to do this.

I have to ask you to confirm your identity.

You have to tell me who you are.

You just said it. It's me! What the fuck?

Who do you think it is? Like, Hillary fucking Clinton?

This is a security alert. Enough?

Attention, this is a security alert.

Okay. And we are code two clear, all zones reset on this.

I say again. Clear all zones. Reset, reset, reset.

Right. Thank God. Let's get on with this.

Okay, guys, I do need the loo now.

The fact is, this door needs to be open.

Yeah, just resetting now. Okay, good.

So, the building knows exactly where this handset is and depending on...

We haven't got much time, Dave.

Fair enough. Point taken, Ian.

Okay, good.

Okay.

Locked.

Ah, okay. All right.

For God's sake, Dave!

Okay, no. I'm sorry. Guys, I really do need to get out.

Okay, I know what I did there.

Yes. No, they're here. I think he's actually arrived.

Right. But where actually are you?

What do you mean, you can't get out?

It'll be fine, Lucy. Don't panic.

This will all be okay. All right?

Because it will be. It has to be.

I am trying. Reset, reset, reset.

Yes, and in the meantime, you just stay there...

They're not bloody open, okay?

No, they're not. They're locked.

Richard. Hi, morning. How are you?

A few minutes early, but we're ready when you are.

Yeah, but in the meantime just to check, the bollard situation?

Yeah, they're up. Yeah.

So, we didn't go down the Bulldog armoured vehicle route in the end,

but presumably you're across that.

Okay, will do. Yeah, yeah.

He's here, okay. He's outside now. He's arrived.

Tony says there should be a fail-safe button on his side somewhere.

Ah, okay. Well, that's...

Yes. No, there isn't one.

Ah. But he says there should be.

Right, yes. Basically, they're not very happy through there,

I don't think. No.

So, now. Command, control, shift, escape. Yeah, no. Do this now...

Escape? So, get out of "Security Options",

back to "Zonal Preferences", and... No, do this now.

Okay, so try reopening "Controls"

from "System Start-up" but holding down "Alt-Shift".

You did? And what happened?

Right.

Have you tried unplugging it at the mains?

Where does this go?

Oh, that leads through into Old Broadcasting House, I think.

Right. Or, it used to at one time.

Doesn't open? No.

No. Course not. I've never seen it open.

I'm not even sure if it's even a real...

Oh, okay.

Right.

That's interesting.

Right. Okay.

Okay, great. All right. Okay.

And we are "status active" here, guys. I say again...

No, Dave. I'm sorry, would you mind?

Yeah, I... It's just I can't think.

Yeah, I just... No, please. Shut up.

The BBC royal greeting party may have finally broken free,

but they now have just seven minutes left

until they're due to be greeting,

and no time to worry about detail.

Right. Okay. Let's go. Hang on, guys.

Not being funny or anything, but what about Tony?

Ah, right. Yes.

Tony who? Tony Hall.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And Simon.

Yes. I mean, are we just leaving them

in there, or waiting, or what?

Right. The fact is, Prince Charles is here to be met,

and somebody's got to meet him.

I mean, why don't we keep going for the moment and see

what happens with that one? Yes, exactly.

All right, okay. Yes.

Because there already was a Broadcasting House

when New Broadcasting House was literally built onto the side of it,

the decision was made to call one of them Old Broadcasting House

to avoid any possible chance of confusion.

But even though they may be only feet away from where they need to be,

in another sense they're decades away.

And the one thing they don't have is time.

Dave, hi. How's it looking?

Yeah, no. Great, Richard.

Okay, no. Just so you know, we're still looking at quite a lot of bollard here, so...

Yes, no. Understood, Richard. We have eyes on that.

You okay? You sound like you're running.

As I say, we're coming at you and we are standby for "go".

I say again, standby for "go".

Oh, God. Have we been here before?

I don't know. Yes.

Guys, can I just... No, shut up.

Just see what happens in here.

Ah, right. Good. Sorry, how do we get back to New Broadcasting House?

NBH? Reception, yes.

We're in a bit of hurry.

Okay. Yes.

It's back that way.

Really? No, it isn't.

We've just come from there. Try that way.

That way? Yeah.

Right. Thank you. Yes, thank you.

Yeah, no.

Ah, right. Okay, no. I'm sorry.

Bloody hell.

The fact is, we've gone further backwards in time. Yes.

Guys, what we need here is to go forwards. Yes, all right.

Just to say, Ian, four minutes. Yes, thanks, Dave.

Shut up. Yeah, I say again, guys, four minutes...

No, I'm sorry. Shut up. Well, I'm gonna keep going down.

Right. At least then we'll end up on the ground floor.

Right. Yeah, understood.

Yes, good.

Reception! What?

Reception, there's a sign!

This is good, guys. This is good.

Okay. Okay, no.

Right, that's it.

Okay. So, guys, this is wrong... Shut up.

I don't care, it's fine. I say again, this is the wrong...

No, shut up. We'll have to go out the front and walk round.

With three minutes to spare,

they've managed to find their way to the wrong reception.

But in theory, it's just 200 yards

from Old Broadcasting House to New Broadcasting House

where the royal convoy is still waiting to arrive.

Hi, guys. Yes, hi.

Can I help you, sir? Yes. We're in a bit of a hurry.

We need to get round to the other reception.

That's not really possible, I'm afraid, sir. We have a VIP visitor inbound.

Yes, no. I know. We're meeting him.

I'm sorry, sir, we are in live lockdown. But we're meeting him.

Right. Okay. Sorry, guys.

It's thanks partly to Dave himself that the foolproof

zonal lockdown system is designed to favour

neither man nor fool equally.

This is a code seven. Exceptional circumstances.

We are code two, live lockdown, sir. Right, listen.

Right, okay. Forget it.

Ian, hi. Where are you?

So, there's a security guy, a royal security guy, Richard Cartwright...

Yes? He's probably outside.

Uh, yes, I think I can see him.

Hi.

Yeah, hi, yes. It's Lucy Freeman, hi.

Right. And you are? I just... I work with...

I basically... Yeah, never mind.

What the hell's going on in there? Yes, no. They're coming now.

I mean, I'm here already, so that's one,

and the others are just grouping up before they arrive.

Grouping up? Yes.

What are they? The bloody Red Arrows?

Yes, I know. Yes.

Hello? Hello?

Ian? Hello?

Ah! I'm sorry, Ian. I did go to the loo.

Right. I think it's probably the excitement.

Yes. So... Through here.

Christ! I know. It was a fluke, okay?

But this leads right out into... Right. Yes, no. I know.

I'm not being funny or anything, but she can't half shift in those heels.

But then I did actually go in a helicopter once.

Right. I didn't like it.

No. Yes.

Right, okay. Okay. This is good, guys.

Okay? I say again, this is good. Can you shut up, please?

No running, okay? No running.

Okay. No running here, guys. Okay? No running.

What happened? No, I can't, it doesn't matter.

Are you okay? Yes, I'm...

Yes, he's fine. Guys, are we in a "go" state?

Any news of Tony and Simon?

Alice just phoned. They're still stuck in his office.

Right. Right, okay, good.

Okay, let's do it.

Outside, it's now 12:00, which is exactly the time it's supposed to be.

But Dick Cartwright and the rest of the royal party

are aware that time is still passing, literally, by the minute.

Meanwhile, inside, what's left of the official greeting party

has at last made it to its official greeting position. This is it.

All that's necessary now is for nothing else to go wrong.

Hey, guys.

Siobhan!

I made it, they let me go.

All right. No. I'm sorry.

So, let's do this. Let's get royal.

The fact is, this is not happening. It totally is.

No, it is not. No, but there's a list, I'm afraid, Siobhan.

A list, yes. Yes.

No, sure. A list went to Clarence House.

No, sure. I'm on it.

What do you mean, you're on it?

No, I'm sorry. You are not, Siobhan. I mean, how?

It's a list, okay? I'm on it. QVC.

What? Right, okay. Fine.

But back outside, Dave Green has won his battle

with the last remaining rising bollard and the visit is finally under way.

With the royal Range Rover now in place,

it's time for someone to come outside and greet it.

The only unknown left now is exactly who that's going to be.

I mean, it should be Ian, surely.

Well, no. I don't... Just to say, that's a "go", guys.

Yes, thanks, Dave.

Let's just do this. The fact is...

No, we really need to... No, I'm sorry.

Duh!

Right, okay.

Ian Fletcher, Head of BBC Values.

Your Royal Highness, welcome to New Broadcasting House.