Original subtitles

- Previously on Awkward...

- You'’re, like, the ultimate townie.

- Lesley Ann Miller, will you marry me?

- Yes!

You dropped out of school.

If you want to be a Palos Hills mom,

this is what it takes.

- Okay. [baby crying]

- Matty, thanks again, for everything.

- It was a sweet Saturday morning

with my adorable boyfriend.

I should have been loving it, but I had to admit

that ever since Matty and I babysat Morgan,

I'’d been a little...

distracted.

- Do I want such a heavy course load?

- Like right now.

Why was Matty holding my baby sister

in Luke'’s living room?

Oh, my God. Did this mean I wanted a baby?

That'’s insane. I'’m 19.

It'’s probably just PMS.

Oh, my God. It was worse.

I didn'’t want a baby.

I wanted a M-- - Matty?

- What did you say?

- I said, "You'’re not very chatty."

What are you thinking?

- What was I thinking?

I already had a great guy.

Jeopardizing that for Matty

was something I would have done--

okay--had done in the past.

But Luke was a guy I wanted to be with

for the foreseeable future,

a guy to whom I could seriously see myself saying--

Let'’s move in together.

I said that last part out loud, huh?

[keys clacking, loud thud]

- I'’m sorry.

Did you just invite yourself

to move in to my studio apartment?

- I can'’t believe I just said that.

- Because I [bleep] love that idea.

- Really? You'’re not freaked out?

- It'’s not like we'’re moving in together

moving in together.

It'’s just for a few weeks until you go back to Wyckoff.

And, honestly, I want to spend as much time as possible

with you until then.

- [giggles]

- Here'’s my only question-- do you think your parents

will be cool with it?

- It'’ll take a little bit of coaxing,

but if I make my case, maybe.

- Well, you work on them, and I'’ll work on making

this place a little more...

girl friendly.

- Okay, let me paint you a picture with my words.

You, this dress, brunch at Bagatelle,

shopping in Soho, vodka at Pravda.

- Done and done-er.

[cell phone chimes]

- Does this say more "off-duty model

on Leonardo DiCaprio'’s yacht" or "'’Bachelor'’ contestant

at a rose ceremony"?

- Will you accept this "no"?

[cell phone chimes]

I should take this. It'’s probably Patrick.

Sometimes he calls from an international number--

so hot.

- Miss Kaplan, this is Pam from Visa.

- Oh, P! How are you, sweetie?

- Miss Kaplan, you haven'’t made a payment

on your balance, and we'’re going to

have to stop--

- No, you stop!

I miss you.

- Miss Kaplan, this is your final notice--

- Oh, my God, you are so bad!

- Yes, this is a bad--

- Got to go! Ta-ta, my love.

- You and Patrick are gross.

- I know.

You know what else is gross?

This dress is way more Midtown than Meatpacking.

- Supplicant squats!

Feel the burn of your sin melting away.

Praise the Lord!

Genuflect.

Kick the Devil away.

Um...

Okay, everyone go to the pool

for your biceptismals.

Wash away your sin. Melt away your fat. Yay!

[cheers and applause]

Jakey.

Why are you sad? - No reason.

- Jake, we'’ve dated, twice.

I think I know your pouty face.

- I just read Ophelia'’s interview

with me on Idea Bin.

- Ophelia? That "slunty" [bleep]?

- This is why I didn'’t want to say anything.

You get insane when you'’re mad.

The article'’s not even that bad.

She said I seem happy. - That'’s not so bad.

- She didn'’t make it sound like I'’m genuinely happy,

more like I'’m happy because I'’m too dumb

to know better.

I just feel like a dumb townie.

- And you said she works at Idea Bin?

- Lissa, don'’t do anything crazy.

- [scoffs]Jakey...

[giggles] I'’m very sensible.

Have a great day.

- So what do you guys think?

I knew it would be hard to convince my parents

to let me move in with Luke, but I was praying

they'’d say yes, eventually, at least.

- Jenna...

this is such great news!

- For real? - Yes!

This is going to make everything so much simpler.

- This house is way too full right now.

- There will be one fewer person showering here every day.

- I think this deserves a toast.

- I could have been offended at how excited my parents were

to get me out of the house,

but I chose instead to focus on the fact

that I was totally getting away with something.

- To...

Jenna and Luke. - Hello?

[glasses clink]

- Ooh, sorry. I knocked, but I didn'’t--

I didn'’t think anybody heard.

- Oh, I forgot you were coming over

to practice our German presentation!

- Keine Sorge. "No worries" in German.

So what are you guys celebrating?

- I am moving in with Luke for the rest of the summer.

- That'’s a big step. Congrats.

God, you guys are so cool.

That would never fly with my parents.

- Oh, I don'’t know that we'’re cool.

It just makes sense.

JK. We'’re so cool.

- In the past, I would have been spinning out

about Matty not caring about my cohabitation,

but now that Luke and I had taken things

to the next level,

I didn'’t care that he didn'’t care.

My brief blip of hormonal hallucinations

this morning were just that--

a blip.

- [giggles] Patty cakes,

I can'’t wait until we'’re back in New York together either.

- Tamara Judith Kaplan!

- Babe, got to run.

[door opens]

- Do you know why I'’m so angry?

- The change of life?

I'’m just being real.

You'’ve had the A/C cranked way up all summer.

- No, Tamara. It'’s not menopause.

Do you know that you have run up

$12,000 in debt?

- I had an inkling.

- Because I cosigned for that first card,

my credit is affected.

- I'’m sorry. I didn'’t-- - Oh, you save it.

- If you don'’t have a plan-- a concrete plan--

to get this debt taken care of by the end of the summer,

you'’re not going back to NYU.

- ♪ Hey

♪ Hey

♪

- ♪ By the pond when we first kissed ♪

♪ I think my heart just skipped a beat ♪

♪ The old familiar path we took ♪

♪ The broken swings where we would meet ♪

♪ I look around, it all feels new ♪

♪ I always think of you

- ♪ Ah

- ♪ I think of you

- ♪ Ah

- ♪ Whoo-hoo - ♪ Ah

- Okay, I'’ll go in first.

You should probably give it two minutes.

- Do we really have to keep doing this?

I mean, we live together now.

- I thought this was what you wanted,

so you'’d be taken seriously around here--

you know, not be the fellow who slept with the guy

who recommended her.

- Okay.

- Jenna!

- Lissa. What are you doing here?

- Great to see you.

I have some important business inside.

Can you let me in?

- ♪ Sir, can I help? Would you like another pint? ♪

♪ Of course I'’m okay, it'’s my job to be all right ♪

- Lissa? Are you looking for Jenna?

'’Cause I--I don'’t think she'’s here yet.

- Oh, I know. She'’s right outside the door.

I'’m looking for Ophelia.

- ♪ Just to witness your cirrhosis ♪

♪ I just do my very best to keep it all together ♪

- Hi. I'’m Lissa.

And you'’ve made me very angry.

- Who are you? Is this a dream?

- No, it'’s your worst nightmare.

You need to "atonercise,"

and not just because you need to atone.

You'’re a real big B-word for sleeping with my friend

and then being rude to him.

- This is about Jake? - Of course it is.

How many other sad, ambitionless townies

have you slept with this month?

- Hey, I never used those words about Jake.

That was all you.

- I'’m allowed to say those things.

I'’m Jake'’s friend and ex-girlfriend.

- Why did you break up?

- Well, first he dumped me for Jenna.

- That is shocking. - I know, right?

But more recently, I broke up with him because

he couldn'’t provide me with the Palos Hills mom lifestyle.

- For real?

- It'’s what I'’ve always wanted.

Well, until my mommy got engaged to a toilet seat cover man

who'’s fat and has a pager,

and his son has a VIP membership at Lucky Chuck'’s Pong and Pucks,

and I don'’t want that!

- Okay, it'’s okay.

I'’ve got something for you.

You do not need a "P" to be a Palos Hills mom.

You can be your own rich husband.

- ♪ I want to waste my day today ♪

- Eine Bratwurst.

- Eine Bratwurst!

Dude, you are killing it.

In fact, I think we'’re gonna need

to make the studying a little harder.

I'’m getting bored as [bleep].

- [German accent] Uh, what'’s that for?

- Let'’s take a study spike.

This is the only thing that got me through finals,

and I got a 4.0 this semester.

- [normal voice] All right, hit me.

- That'’s my boo!

Warum so viele Wuerste?

- Ich habe ein Wurstfest.

- Nailed it!

- Ugh.

- Now that Luke and I were back

in our cocoon of domestic bliss,

having to keep us a secret at work didn'’t seem so serious.

This was our real life,

and real life was pretty damn good.

- Babe, that sauce smells amazing.

- Babe, I can'’t wait to try your salad.

I can'’t believe we'’re going to be back at school

in a few weeks.

Hey, have you bought your ticket?

I was thinking maybe we could fly back east together.

I have to stop through New York anyway.

- Why worry about that when I come bearing

a housewarming gift?

I know you'’ve always liked the scent,

and it'’s been a slow few weeks.

- Oh, T. I love it.

Babe, look, it'’s our first gift as a couple.

- That is so sweet.

Babe, did you get the onions?

- Babe, I forgot to get the onions.

I'’m so sorry.

- Babe, don'’t even worry about it.

It'’s just another dollar we can put in the fun budget.

- I'’m sorry, T. What did you want to talk about?

Something about your mom?

- I don'’t even remember what it was.

Brain fart-y of one over here.

I actually have to go, but enjoy the candle.

Bye.

- Mmm.

[beep] - Matty, hi, again.

Entschuldigung for all the messages,

but where the hell are you?

Frau Hoetzinger'’s letting us go last, but...

[class applauds]

- Last is right now, Matty.

If you get here and you see me speaking German,

for God'’s sake, hop right in!

[upbeat music]

♪

- ♪ Maybe I found

- Now that I was living with Luke,

the days at Idea Bin dragged endlessly.

I just wanted them to be over

so I could get back to our blissful nights.

So I have been researching

rotisserie-chicken recipesall day

and thought maybe we could do that, a little wine...

- I have plans with Lizzy.

She wants me to come with her to this book party.

- As her date?

- Of course not. I'’m just her plus-one.

- So I can'’t come.

- I wish, but it'’s not a plus-two, babe.

Besides, if you were there, our cover would be blown,

because I wouldn'’t be able to keep my hands off you.

- How am I supposed to get home?

- Luke, are you ready?

I want to get there early enough to really maximize

that open bar.

- Good to go.

[mouths words]

- Moving in with Luke

was supposed to be an adult move.

But suddenly, it was feeling like the wrong move.

- "The service on this flight was outrageous.

"No blankets and no ice?

"I was too cold, and my drink was too warm.

"I expect a voucher

for at least three to five free flights."

[knock at door]

Ally, stop interrupting me

while I'’m writing my complaint letters!

You know this is my Zen time.

- It'’s me.

- Ew. You look like [bleep].

- That'’s because I'’m in deep [bleep].

I'’m in $12,000 worth of credit card debt,

and my mom won'’t let me go back to NYU

until I deal with it.

- That sucks.

- That'’s all you have to say?

Sadie, this is kind of your fault.

- Did you just say this was my fault?

- I didn'’t even have a credit card

until you showed me how to get one.

- Listen, you go to NYU,

which implies you'’re not a total idiot.

I assumed that I didn'’t have to explain to you

that you actually have to pay your bills.

- I thought I could pay them after I graduate.

How am I supposed to pay them now?

I'’m a poor student living in the dorms.

- Get a job?

I worked 15 hours a week in the Columbia dining hall.

That, on top of my scholarship, and the money I get

from my guilt-ridden "slunt" of a mother got me through.

- I got a job this summer,

and I spent a bunch of money I made on your birthday.

- Get another job.

- Sadie, I am desperado.

I need you to loan me some money.

- No. - I can pay you back.

- Demonstrably untrue.

No.

- Sadie, I'’m your friend.

- You'’re not a charity.

Figure something out.

- You know what?

I don'’t even know why I expected you to help me.

You are the same rude ass[bleep] you were in high school.

- And you'’re the same annoying dumbass

under all those desperate designer ensembles.

News flash, Tamara-- you'’re not fooling anyone.

- [bleep] you, Sadie.

[door slams]

- The long bus ride home gave me time to think.

In the past, I would have totally overreacted

to Luke'’s night with Lizzy,

but being in our home reminded me

how committed we were.

My mood was nothing a bowl of ice cream

couldn'’t take care of.

Rocky road, take me away.

Okay, it'’s nothing a hot shower couldn'’t fix.

[upbeat music]

♪

Ugh.

Mm-mm.

[solemn music]

♪

- [bleep].

♪

Hi. This is Tamara Kaplan.

I'’m calling you back about your offer.

How much did you say you'’re willing to pay me?

And that'’s for one night or the whole weekend?

Okay. What hotel?

What should I wear?

No, it'’s fine.

You'’re paying me. I'’ll do whatever you want.

♪

- I want to teach Atonercise at the club.

- Cool. You realize you'’ve been doing that all summer, right?

- Yes, but before, I was doing it for Jesus,

and now I'’m doing it for Jesus and myself,

and that means I want signage, I want more classes,

and I want to be paid equally to that of a man.

- We don'’t have any male Atonercise teachers,

but okay.

- You'’re officially put on notice, Jake Rosati.

- What are you doing? - I'’m leaning in!

[giggles]

- [sighs]

You didn'’t have to wait up.

I had no idea this thing was gonna run this late.

[cell phone chimes, vibrates] - Mm.

What'’s that? - It'’s a picture from tonight.

Lizzy sent it to me.

- How was the party?

What did you and Lizzy talk about--how we'’re not dating?

- What'’s this about?

And why are you reading the Farmer Carl'’s Grocery Gazette?

- There are a lot of good deals on cookie batter in here,

but what this is about

is that you just leave your towels on the floor.

- What?

- Okay...

it'’s about the fact that you went on a date with Lizzy.

But seriously, who only has one towel

and just leaves it on the floor?

- Told you, it'’s not a date.

- If a girl sends you cute pics after your night out,

then it'’s a date.

- Take a look.

We make a pretty cute couple, don'’t you think?

That'’s one of the authorsI met.

Lizzy introduced us.

You happy now?

- No...

but you shouldn'’t leave empty ice cream containers

in the freezer.

- Lizzy'’s my boss, and when your boss asks you

to go to a networking party,you go.

If Lizzy was a man, you wouldn'’t care.

- That'’s fair.

- And by the way, I was a little nervous to go.

You don'’t seem to realize this, but I wasn'’t offered the e-book.

And I'’ve been there longer than you,

and I want a job at Idea Bin when I graduate,

and if that means hanging out with Lizzy,

then, yeah, that'’s what I'’m gonna do.

- What Luke was saying made me feel guilty.

Here he was, laying his vulnerability on the line.

I owed it to him to do the same.

I'’m sorry for being paranoid.

I guess I just...

felt like it was a date because we'’re a secret,

and...

it brought me back to a bad time in my life.

- Okay.

I totally get it, and I'’m sorry.

But, Jenna, I promise, I'’m not Matty.

- Luke was right.

Matty had kept me a secret to protect his own reputation.

Luke was only trying to protect me.

It was totally different, and I loved him for that.

Oh, my God, I loved Luke,

and thank God I didn'’t blurt that out

like the moving-in thing.

- I never want to make you feel like I'’m hiding you, because...

'’cause I love you.

- I love you too.

- This as been hard for me too.

Your name came up a lot tonight.

Lizzy likes your writing. She thinks you'’re ballsy.

And it'’s been torture not to say,

"I know. That hot, ballsy writer is my girlfriend."

But I want the world, including Lizzy,

to know I love you.

[chuckles]

[knock at door]

- Oh, guten Abend,jerk.

- Lacey, I am so sorry about the presentation.

My night with Sully got a little out of hand.

I honestly did practice.

Come on, I thought we were friends.

- Friends don'’t ruin friends'’ chances of getting an A.

What happened?

- Sully thought of this drinking game for studying,

and the next thing I knew,

I woke up, and I missed it.

- Time for some real talk.

Sully sounds like a whole lot of fun.

You know, she actually reminds me

of a friend I had who helped an ex study for the LSATs,

except he didn'’t wind up going to law school.

He went to rehab,

and you know who that friend was?

Ally.

I love her to death, but she is bad news,

and so is Sully.

I'’ll see you in class.

- I was so excited that Luke said he loved me

that I decided to make my own grand gesture.

I had proven myself at Idea Bin,

and neither of us wanted to hide the truth anymore.

And lucky me, I knew just how to spread the word.

[tapping on glass]

- Sorry I'’m late.

I needed to prepare for the marathon

that is about to happen,

and you'’re participating too.

Two bottomless mimosas, please.

Oh, the best part about a mimosa-thon

is you can'’t lose.

Plus, you get to drink your medal.

- I-I'’m fine with coffee.Thanks.

- If you drink too much caffeine plus booze,

you'’ll pee all day, dude.

- I'’m not gonna have any booze.

Sully, we need to talk.

- Can we wait until I get a breakfast burrito

up in this bish?

You know I can'’t do anything on an empty stomach.

- I think we need to go our separate ways.

I can'’t tell you how much you mean to me.

I mean, you are the one who picked me up

and helped me through a dark time this year.

- You want to break up?

- You'’ve been amazing.

It'’s just-- I-I don'’t know.

Maybe, uh...

maybe it'’s time to move on.

- That'’s cool.

- Uh, what?

- Dude, if that'’s what you want, I think we should too.

You'’re definitely paying for the mimosas, though.

- Um, I'’m sorry.

This is not how my breakups usually go.

You'’re cool?

- Yeah, dude.

It'’s not that deep.

Hey, you'’re okay, though, right?

- Yeah.

Thanks for checking.

- Of course. [laughs]

Do you want some?

- I had learned from my mistake.

The key to a grown-up relationship

was being on the same page, and I knew Luke and I were.

- ♪ Something inside of me

♪ Says that I should keep it all to myself ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Front page, babe!

When you write about love,

you'’re Miley Cyrus "Can'’t Be Tamed,"

and, Luke, you...

I mean, I never thought you had it in you.

- What'’s he talking about?

- You said you wanted the world to know.

- Not like this.

It'’s one thing to say we started dating.

It'’s another thing to admit we'’ve been lying to the boss

for the past month.

- Luke, a moment.

- ♪ Something inside of me

♪ Is tormenting me

- Looks like no matter how much more grown-up I felt,

I couldn'’t help but repeat the mistakes of the past.

- Next on Awkward... - You'’re acting like a child.

- I am not.Jerk!

- I know this is degrading, and you don'’t belong

in some strange hotel room... [sighs]

But you need the money, so you'’re gonna suck it up

and close your eyes if you need to.

- Matty? - Jenna?

I broke up with Sully and figured, what the hell?

- You broke up with Sully.

- You want to do something after this?