Original subtitles

- Previously on "Awkward"...

- Hey, Jenna, did you write a super-detailed post

about our relationship on Idea Bin?

You had no right to do this. - I want my article taken down.

"He will always be my first true love

and that'’s something you never forget."

- There'’s a red eye for $300.

- I can'’t believe it'’s already time

to think about your ticket back to school.

Where did the summer go?

- I'’m working, you'’re studying,

my skin saw more sun in Maine than it does in California

and I barely spend any time with Morgan.

- That'’s probably a good thing. - Wait, what?

See, I knew you didn'’t trust me with her.

I'’ll hold her for, like, 10 seconds,

and then you rush over to take her from me.

I'’m not the most coordinated person in the world,

but I can safely hold a baby.

She'’s not gonna break.

- I meant the sun. You don'’t tan well.

- So you do trust me with her?

- You don'’t need to worry about taking care of a baby.

- But Lissa'’s, like, my age,

and you leave her with Morgan all day.

- That is different.

Lissa is very motherly.

- Why, because she dresses like an Easter egg

and makes a to-do list?

I mean, I can be motherly.

- Sweetie, you cut off the heads to all your Bratz dolls.

- Their faces were scary as hell.

Look...

here, at least let me hold her while your cooking.

You'’ve got your hands full.

- [grunting]

Ugh! Spaetzle!

- Okay, I think that means "spatula."

- All German sounds like cussing.

Here, take her.

- [cooing]

- See? Very motherly.

Oh, oh--oh, God. That'’s my boob.

Mom, take her. She'’s eating me.

Hey, hey. This dairy'’s closed.

Ah! Oh!

[keyboard clacks]

[booms]

[upbeat music]

- [gasps] Oh, yum--apple sauce.

- Where do you put it all, girl?

- In my tummy, where it goes. Duh.

- Lace, pack a bag.

We are going to the Mermaid Inn for the night.

Surprise.

- Oh, sweetie, that is so romantic,

but I don'’t know,

taking a baby up the coast?

- Which is why we'’re leaving her here.

- What?

- And having some much deserved us time.

- She'’s not ready. - Aw, she'’ll be fine.

- Okay, I'’m not ready.

- Don'’t worry, Lissa will be here with her the whole time.

- Oh, no, actually, I can'’t.

I'’m having an early dinner with my mom

and her new boyfriend.

- If you'’re going to dinner,

why are you eating bread?

- Because I'’m going to dinner.

Mommy says a lady should never

eat out of the bread basket at a restaurant,

which is hard, because I really love bread.

- I don'’t think that'’s the point.

- Sorry, Kev, looks like we can'’t go.

- Hello? - Yeah, hello?

We can call the sitting service.

- Ugh, they always leave the house

smelling like borscht.

No. - Um, there is another option.

- What about my cousins in Irvine?

- They'’re in Hawaii.

Am I the only one who reads the family emails?

- What about me?

- Oh, um, thanks, Jenna,

but you don'’t to be tied down babysitting.

- No.

- You should be out with your friends, having fun.

- Yeah. - Oh, come on, I'’m free.

- Oh, honey, you know how much we appreciate

that you don'’t often have plans on the weekends,

but we just don'’t know if you'’re mature enough

to handle all of this on your own.

- Okay, my boyfriend'’s at a family wedding this weekend,

but thanks for that.

What I meant is that I'’m free.

You don'’t have to pay me.

- That is a big plus. - Okay, we'’ll give you a shot.

♪♪

- It'’s so good to see you. - So good to see you.

- I missed you. - I missed you.

- All right, do you realize you'’re just

repeating everything I say?

- Sorry, it'’s just everything you'’re saying

is true for me too.

- So while I was in Bora Bora...

- Ah, you just repeated yourself.

- I had a lot of time to think,

and I want to ask you something.

- Yes, I absolutely want to be exclusive.

- Sure, yeah. Yeah, we'’re getting there,

but that wasn'’t what I wanted to ask.

I really want you to meet my friends.

They can be a little intimidating.

They don'’t usually like the girls I date,

but, come on, who could not like you?

So don'’t be nervous.

- Oh, I'’m not. Friends love me.

Bring on Chad and Tad and Brad.

- Actually, their names are Siggy, Boots, and Tinsley.

They'’re my girl friends.

They'’re throwing a clambake in Malibu.

You think you can come?

- Girl friends? - Oh, I grew up with them.

They'’re like sisters.

- Oh, no, I'’m not worried about that.

It'’s just--girls.

You know, we can be a little judgy and critical,

and what if I don'’t have the right shoes

or the right clothes... for a clambake?

I mean, I left most of my beachwear

at my parents'’ beach house on the Cape,

but I'’ll be fine.

Nothing a trip to Barneys can'’t cure.

- Cool, and, hey, I get it about girls.

If you feel outnumbered, bring a friend.

- Great. When is this clambake, anyway?

- Tonight. - Great.

- I am so glad my baby'’s finally meeting my baby.

[giggling]

- Dinner when it'’s still light out.

How romantic.

Oh, Carl, is that a pager? - Sure is, sweetheart.

- Mommy didn'’t tell me you were a doctor.

- Oh, I'’m not, but I do save lives.

- He owns the largest hygienic paper goods company

in California.

Someday, so will I.

- Paper. So like, um, stationary?

I always wish I'’d lived in the olden days

of letter writing.

- No, hygienic paper. - Toilet seat covers.

They minimize the spread of fecal-borne disease.

They'’re a huge business

and Dad'’s got the market cornered.

Bread?

- Baby wipes are in here,

and you know how to use the bottle warmer.

- Well, let'’s make sure we'’ve covered all the bases.

- Oh, when putting her to sleep,

you have to hit the four B'’s:

bath, bottle, book, bed, in that order.

- Uh, car'’s been running for 20 minutes.

I'’ve got an idea, let'’s go.

- We are. I'’m just finishing.

- Oh! Okay.

This is the last thing, but it'’s by far

the most important: you must have her to sleep at 7:30.

Not to bed, to sleep.

If not, she gets a second wind around 8:15,

and she gets really hyper and playful

and it may seem cute and it may seem fun,

but you want to know what'’s not fun?

Being up until 4:30 in the goddamn morning.

- Got it, Mom. Have a wonderful time.

- Are you sure? - [groans]

- Yeah, I'’m sure. - Okay.

[upbeat music]

[door closes]

- We'’re gonna be just fine,right?

- [crying]

- [belches]

- So Lissa, are you seeing anyone?

- I was, um...

but I broke it off.

He just wasn'’t ambitious enough for me.

- Good evening, Mrs. Miller. Lissa.

- Nice to see you, Jake. We'’re fine.

Did you need something, Jake?

- Oh, uh, no.

I guess, enjoy your meal.

- I have a announcementto make.

Tonight wasn'’t just about our families

meeting for the very first time.

I wanted you both to be here when I did this.

[clears throat]

[upbeat music]

Lesley Ann Miller,

will you marry me?

- Oh, wow, Carl, it'’s obviously too--

- Yes! [both laugh]

Yes, I will! - Oh, yeah!

- Oh, baby! - Yeah, yeah!

[applause]

- [giggling] Congrats, you two.

I'’m so happy I could--

- [crying]

- Shh, don'’t cry. Don'’t cry.

Luke, this is hell.

- Have you tried rubbing ice on her gums?

- Is that a thing? - I actually have no idea.

You rub something on their gums.

They'’re cutting the cake. I got to get back.

- Okay, have fun. Bye.

- [crying]

- Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess

named Morgan, and she was pretty,

and perfect, and destined for a life of happiness.

- [farts] [crying]

- Ew.

So my parents thought I wasn'’t mature enough for this?

I'’d show them.

- [crying]

- Oh...

I wasn'’t going to give up.

Bath...

bottle... book...

bed. I wasn'’t going to break.

[upbeat music]

[doorbell rings]

Crap.

♪

- Matty!

I wasn'’t going to cry,

but apparently, Morgan was. - [crying]

- [crying] - What are you doing here?

- Uh, your mom and I are supposed to work on

her German project tonight.

- Sorry, my dad surprised her

with some inn for the night.

I think she left you some notes, though.

Can you take her for a second?

Here. Okay. - Hi. Hi.

- Okay.

- [cooing]

- There you go.

- Okay.

- [wailing] - What the hell?

[cell phone ringing]

[bleep], it'’s my mom.

Morgan'’s supposed to be asleep by now.

- Good luck with that. Thanks for the notes.

- Wait.

Can you please take her for, like, two seconds,

and then you go right back to being mad at me?

My mom didn'’t think I'’d be able to do this,

and I really don'’t want to prove her right.

I mean, you'’re kind of the reason

she'’s awake right now.

Can you please just keep her quiet for, like, two minutes?

Matty, I'’m begging you.

- [wailing]

- Then you can go right back to being mad at me.

- Yeah, fine.

[lively music]

♪

- Hey, what'’s up?

- Is she asleep yet?

- Uh, yeah. Did the four B'’s.

She was basically passed out by B three.

- Really? - Yup.

It went super smooth.

Easy-peasy, Mr. McFeezy.

- What else has happened since I left?

- [sighs]

- Thanks for coming with me, you guys.

I'’m kind of Judge Dredd-ing meeting Patrick'’s girlfriends.

- They'’re just rich bitches.

Don'’t get in your head about it.

Although I'’m not sure I would wear

the signature print with the statement belt

and the statement bag.

- But I want to make a statement.

- What'’s the statement, that you'’re a desperado?

- I don'’t know the rules.

Patrick'’s best friend is the heir to a banking fortune,

but he wears red pants with holes in them,

and he drives a 1998 Saab.

- Yeah, sounds about right.

Here, hold still.

Just care less, and you'’ll be fine.

[jazz music]

- I thought you said this was a cookout.

- Cookout, clambake-- same diff.

- Not same diff-- very different diff!

These girls are just shallow, entitled--

Oh, my God, Caldwell!

Good to see you! - You too!

[giggling]

- Wow, Mom.

I had been talking to my mom for a solid 20 minutes,

which meant Matty had done me a major solid

watching Morgan this long.

I had to find a way to hang up.

Mom, I, uh...

I have to poop. - Ew, Jenna!

Just say you have to go.

- Okay, bye.

I didn'’t hear crying,

which meant Morgan must be asleep.

I owed Matty big time.

Thank you.

- No worries. She'’s doing great.

[humming]

- She'’s awake...

and playful.

- What'’s the problem? It'’s cute.

- It'’s not cute. It'’s the second wind.

[dramatic music]

- He did well.

I never would have chosen cushion cut,

but hey, a few years ago, I never would have chosen Carl.

- Mommy, do you even love--

- I love that he'’s a man of faith--

and a good provider.

Those...

mm-mm seat covers have made him very wealthy.

- Is that why you'’re marrying him?

- Lululemons don'’t grow on trees, sweetie.

And neither does our mortgage.

[sighs] It'’s either marry Carl,

or move to San Pedro,

and while they have a great Whole Foods,

it'’s--it'’s not for me.

- But marriage is about love.

- Well, you dropped out of school, bunny boots.

If you want to be a Palos Hills mom,

this is what it takes.

You'’re going to need a Carl.

So I'’d consider Carl'’s junior.

- [cooing]

- Okay, four B'’s.

Bottle, book-- you know what?

I don'’t need a book.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess

who was kind and calm and tired--

- [crying] [spits up]

- Oh, my God, Matty, I'’m so sorry.

So gross. - It'’s okay.

- [crying]

- It'’s okay.

Ooh, it'’s okay.

I got her. I got her.

- My friendship with Matty was strained in the present

and my relationship with Matty was left in the past,

but as he held Morgan,

I got an image of what our future

could have looked like.

And it was not a bad view.

- Uh, Jenna?

Does that make sense? - Huh? What?

- I was saying she'’s calm now

because babies like to go skin to skin.

It calms them.

Shh. Let'’s go.

[gentle music]

♪

- I didn'’t realize you knew so much about babies.

- There'’s a lot things you didn'’t realize.

- I said I was sorry about the article.

- Well, then I guess that makes everything better, then.

- I know you'’re still pissed,

but can we please keep it to soothing tones?

- [whispering] My brother resurfaced this year

with a new girlfriend

and a newborn, so I'’ve been

helping out with the baby whenever I'’m home.

- I didn'’t know that. - Why would you?

You never asked how I was doing.

Never even checked in once.

And then you write that article.

- I know, and I regret that a lot.

How long are you gonna stay mad?

- Is my anger an inconvenience?

I'’m sorry, Jenna--oh, does that make it instantly better?

"I'’m sorry"?

You know what?

I don'’t know why I'’m even helping you.

I'’m out of here. - [crying]

- Matty, wait.

- It seemed I couldn'’t do anything right.

Not with Matty and definitely not with Morgan.

My mom was right.

I couldn'’t handle this on my own.

Matty was the one who knew all the tricks.

- [crying]

- Okay, okay-- I hear you.

Here comes some skin.

It'’ll all be okay, Morgan.

Shh. There, there.

- [crying]

- It'’ll all be okay.

- God, it has been absolute ages since Chincoteague.

- Do you still ride?

- Every chance I get.

- Oh, good.

You are so talented.

- Oh, she is.

- I am dying for a Negroni.

You want?

- Sorry about all that horse talk.

You must be so bored.

I know these aren'’t exactly your people.

- Why not? - Oh, come on.

I'’m sure no one else here vacations in Guadalajara.

- Hey, aren'’t you Sergio--

from Sergio'’s Hot Tamales?

- Oh, my God, you catered my friend Whitney'’s pool party.

I love you. I want to marry your tamales.

You have to meet the chef.

Wolfy, I'’m obsessed with this guy.

- Once upon a time,

there was a girl who--well...

royally screwed up with a boy.

You might even call him a prince.

She really cared about the boy,

but she kept doing things that made him think she didn'’t.

[somber music]

He was the one person in her life

who was always there for her,

even when she didn'’t know she needed him.

She wanted to be friends with him,

but she ruined it, because she was an idiot.

♪

All right, I want you to meet

Siggy, Boots, and Tinsley.

Guys, this is Tamara.

- Hi, I brought s'’mores.

- [laughs] Oh, that'’s cute,

but Wolfy doesn'’t allow outside food.

- All right, well, you all have a ton in common.

Tamara has a place in the Village.

all: Cute.

- She goes to NYU. all: Cute.

- Oh, and she'’s crushing it at her job.

She works at Idea Bin. all: Cute.

- Hey, Pat, we need a fourth for cornhole.

Chop chop. - Sorry, babe, be right back.

- It'’s cute how you have a job.

- But, like, why, though? - Oh, it'’s not a job-job.

It'’s an unpaid internship. - Oh.

- Yeah, it'’s like, "Thanks, Mom and Dad."

Could you imagine working for a living?

- Like, actually, no.

[gentle music]

♪

[whispering] - Hey, sorry, I fell asleep.

Babies are exhausting.

- Shh.

It'’s okay, I'’ll take her.

♪♪

[yawns]

- I'’m beat, but you two should go paint the town

whatever color you kids paint it these days.

- [giggling] We won'’t wait up.

- Ho ho!

- Hey, we should hit Lucky Chuck'’s Pong and Pucks.

I have a VIP membership, so we never have to wait in line.

- Oh, sorry, um, I promised my friend I'’d help him.

Right, Jake?

- Lissa promised to help with the dinner napkins.

Folding emergency.

- Nice to meet you.

- I don'’t know what'’s going on,

but I hope that you won'’t bring any more

of your dates here in the future.

- You saved me from Lucky Chuck'’s Pong and Pucks, Jake.

Lucky Chuck'’s! - Jesus, that is bad.

- I'’ve been sorely misguided in my life goals, Jake.

I don'’t want to be a Palos Hills mom.

All the Lululemons in the world

couldn'’t turn that [bleep] into lemonade.

Oh, I'’ve seen the light. I have seen the light.

Thank God Almighty, I have seen the light.

- I have too.

I'’m a townie.

That'’s what the girl I slept with after you said.

By the way, I slept with a girl after you.

- Who? - What do you care?

You broke up with me, remember?

- No one calls you a townie.

- It'’s true, though.

I'’m not ambitious enough.

You basically said the same thing to me when we broke up.

- I'’m sorry. That was wrong of me.

Now, who is she? I'’ll cut a bitch!

- So Tam, your skin is amazing.

- Do you do vampire facials,

where they put the blood plasma on your face?

- I totally do.

- Perf. We'’ve got appointments tomorrow in Bev Hills

and Siggy can'’t go '’cause her Pomeranian ate a grape.

- Aww, you guys.I'’m in.

- [giggling] Cool.

- Just Venmo me 15 for my slot.

- Dollars? - Yeah, $1,500.

- [chuckles nervously]

[gentle music]

♪

[cell phone ringing]

- [sighs]

Matty had stayed all night just to help me.

For someone who was so angry with me,

it was surprising, to say the least.

- Mom, hey.

Yeah, see you soon.

Even more surprising would be if my parents came home

to find me and Matty half naked in bed together.

Matty, get up.

My parents will be home in 10 minutes.

- What?

- We have to get everything cleaned up--now.

- No, the one time I'’m here for innocent reasons.

- Ha, very funny. Hey, where'’s your shirt?

- Oh, [bleep]. Where is my shirt?

- Quick, go out the back. [car door closes]

- Uh, uh, the German notes.

[car alarm chirps]

- Hey, Matty.

Thanks again for everything. [door closes]

- We'’re home!

[lively music]

♪

- Hey, '’sup, guys?

[gentle music]

♪

- I'’m impressed, kiddo.

The house is still in one piece.

♪

- So is the baby.

I'’m half tempted to pay you.

- Well, I'’d make you if it wasn'’t so easy.

- I'’m sorry for misjudging you.

I didn'’t think you could pull it off, but you did.

All by yourself.

- Well, that'’ll teach you to never doubt me again.

- ♪My love is a fierce love ♪

♪♪

- By the way, did Matty stop by?

- What? Why would Matty stop by? I'’m with Luke now.

- Um, I know.

He was supposed to pick up our German notes.

- Oh, right.

Yeah, he stopped by, like, right after you left.

- Okay. Good.

♪

- My parents believed I had succeeded on my own,

but the truth was, I couldn'’t have done it without Matty.

Why did that feel like such a shameful secret?

I suddenly realized the shameful secret

wasn'’t that I needed Matty'’s help.

It was that I wanted it.

♪

- Next on "Awkward"...

Luke was a guy I wanted to be with

for the foreseeable future.

- Let'’s move in together.

- Did you just invite yourself

to move into my studio apartment?

- I need you to loan me some money.

- No. - Are you ready?

- I have plans with Lizzy. She wants me to come with her

to this book party. - As her date?

- So what are you guys celebrating?

- I am moving in with Luke for the rest of the summer.