Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD...

- I'D RATHER DIE IN PRISON THAN CALL JENNA.

- GONNA GIVE YOU HIS BROTHER'S NUMBER.

HE'LL KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO HANDLE THIS SITUATION.

- I WENT TO JENNA. - AND?

- SHE SAID SHE COULDN'T HELP.

- ONE AMAZING NEW BOYFRIEND

MINUS ZERO LINGERING FEELINGS FOR MATTY

EQUALS ME READY TO START A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE.

- WHAT ABOUT A CONJUGAL VISIT?

- A WISE MAN ONCE SAID, "THE DEVIL'S IN THE DETAILS."

WELL, I'D SPENT THE FIRST HALF OF SENIOR YEAR

PERFECTING MY DEETS.

I'D IMPROVED MY GPA, BEEFED UP MY RESUME,

AND WRITTEN A DYNAMIC PERSONAL STATEMENT

FOR MY COMMON COLLEGE APP, WHICH WAS DUE BY MIDNIGHT.

I WAS RIDING HIGH ON CONFIDENCE,

ABOUT TO SEND MY LIFE IN A WHOLE NEW DIRECTION.

- HEY, I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOUR ESSAY.

YOU SHOULD PICK A COOL FONT OR A COLOR THAT POPS.

IT'LL REALLY MAKE YOUR APPLICATION STAND OUT.

- HMM, THANKS, MOM.

THAT SOUNDS, UH, DESPERATE.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

I ALREADY ASKED LUKE TO LOOK OVER MY ESSAY,

AND HE WENT THROUGH THIS TWO YEARS AGO,

SO HE'LL DEFINITELY KNOW IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH OR NOT.

- SO YOU GONNA ACCEPT MY OFFER OR KEEP PLAYING HARD TO GET?

- YOUR DAD ASKED ME TO FRIEND HIM.

- SOCIAL NETWORKING, DAD?

SO IT'S NOT JUST SOME STUPID FAD ANYMORE?

- I'M GOING ALL IN NOW.

I MEAN, HOW COOL IS IT THAT WHEN YOU'RE AWAY AT COLLEGE,

I'LL STILL BE ABLE TO FOLLOW EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING?

[cell phone chimes]

DON'T FORGET TO FRIEND ME.

- MY DAD JUST FRIENDED ME.

- THAT'S THE WORST.

MY MOM THINKS WRITING "CALL ME" ON MY WALL IS TEXTING.

NOW, ABOUT YOUR ESSAY.

I READ IT WITH A VERY CRITICAL EYE.

- OKAY, DON'T EDIT YOURSELF.

IF IT'S TERRIBLE, I NEED TO KNOW.

ALTHOUGH IF IT IS TERRIBLE, I ACTUALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW,

BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN INSTEAD OF COLLEGE,

I HAVE TO SPEND MY ENTIRE LIFE IN THIS HOUSE WITH MY PARENTS.

SHOULD I CHANGE THE FONT?

- NICE NEUROTIC WRITER PREAMBLE, BUT NOW IT'S MY TURN.

IT'S GOOD. - REALLY?

- IT'S GREAT.

YOU'RE DEFINITELY COLLEGE MATERIAL, JENNA HAMILTON.

NOW I HAVE TO GET TO CLASS.

WHO KNOWS?

THIS TIME NEXT YEAR,

WE MAY BE GOING TO CLASS TOGETHER.

- I WAS ANOTHER STEP CLOSER

TO LEAVING ALL THOSE AWKWARD HIGH SCHOOL MOMENTS BEHIND ME

AND BLAZING A NEW TRAIL

AS A SOPHISTICATED, FABULOUS UNDERGRADUATE.

[computer blipping]

[gasps]

[cell phone chimes]

- "LITTLE POOPER"?

- DAD!

[keys clacking, loud thud]

- I BARELY GOT 20 MINUTES OF TMZ--

TAMARA'S MANDATORY Z-TIME--

BECAUSE I WAS UP ALL NIGHT

TWEAKING MY PERSONAL STATEMENT.

- I ONLY APPLIED TO CHRIST-CENTERED SCHOOLS:

VANDERBILT, BAYLOR, AND BRIGHAM YOUNG.

MORMONS AREN'T REALLY CHRISTIANS,

BUT UTAH SEEMS NEAT.

AND SINCE THEY ALL WORSHIP A FALSE PROPHET

AND ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL,

I FIGURED I COULD GET MORE ME TIME WITH JESUS.

- REALLY ENJOYED THE TRIP DOWN POTTY TRAINING LANE

THIS MORNING, HAMILTURD.

REMINDED ME TO BLOCK YOU, YOU FILTHY SCAT QUEEN.

- I USED A SONG FOR MY PERSONAL STATEMENT.

WHAT?

NO SARCASTIC REMARK OR A JOKE,

MAYBE AN EYE ROLL, TAMARA?

- I THINK IT'S AWESOME, JAKE.

PLUS, I HEAR THEY USE HAPPY FACES FOR GRADES

AT HIPPIE-DIPPIE U.

- HMM.

SO WHAT ABOUT YOU TWO?

WHAT LUCKY SCHOOL IS GONNA GET

THE DYNAMIC TAMARA AND JENNA DUO?

- TAMARA AND I USED TO TALK ABOUT COLLEGE ALL THE TIME.

BUT AFTER OUR COLLEGE VISIT,

IT WAS CLEAR WE WERE HEADED IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.

NEITHER OF US WANTED TO SAY IT OUT LOUD AND MAKE IT REAL.

WE'RE KEEPING OUR TOP PICKS SECRET.

WE DON'T WANT TO JINX IT.

I HAVEN'T HIT "SEND" YET.

HOW ABOUT YOU, T?

- I WANTED TO LOOK THINGS OVER ONE LAST TIME.

- WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER TONIGHT?

WE CAN HIT "SEND" TOGETHER.

- BALLS, YES!

A BESTIE FESTIE LIKE THE OLD DAYS.

- AWESOME.

WE'RE REGRESSING TO TWEENS BEFORE WE GO TO COLLEGE.

I LOVE IT. - HEY, MATTY!

- EVA'S SO PRETTY

AND WALKS LIKE SHE'S ON A CLOUD.

- MORE LIKE SAILING ON A [bleep] STORM.

- JENNA. - HEY, YOU.

- UH, CAN I GET THAT FILE

WITH MY PERSONAL STATEMENT YOU HELPED ME WITH?

- YOU HELPED MATTY WRITE HIS PERSONAL STATEMENT?

THAT'S SO COOL OF YOU, JENNA.

- YEAH.

I'LL SEND IT TO YOU WHEN I GET HOME.

- I REALLY NEED IT, SO DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING, OKAY?

- HANGING?

EVER SINCE MATTY GOT ARRESTED,

HE HAD BEEN THROWING ATTITUDE MY WAY.

BUT IT WASN'T MY JOB TO BAIL HIM OUT,

NOT ANYMORE.

HE'D MADE THAT VERY CLEAR.

- HEY, JENNA, HOW ARE YOU?

- GOOD. I'M GOOD.

- I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OKAY

NOW THAT MATTY AND I HAVE... CONNECTED.

- WE BOTH KNEW SHE MEANT SEX.

STILL GOOD.

- IF US BEING TOGETHER BOTHERS YOU,

I'D SHUT IT DOWN.

YOU MEAN THAT MUCH TO ME.

- EVA'S PROPOSITION WAS LOSE-LOSE:

PUT ON A FAKE SMILE WHILE MATTY AND EVA

PARADED AROUND THE SCHOOL LIKE ROYALTY

OR BE THE JEALOUS EX THAT MADE THEM BREAK UP.

IT'S FINE, EVA.

- HEY, WE SHOULD ALL HANG SOON.

- OH, IT'S TOO BAD.

TAMARA AND I ALREADY PLANNED GIRLS' NIGHT.

- BUMMER, I'D LOVE A GIRLS' NIGHT.

MATTY'S TAKING ME OUT TO CELEBRATE

OUR COLLEGE APPS GOING IN.

HE'S SUCH A ROMANTIC.

BUT WHY AM I TELLING YOU THAT?

HE'S PROBABLY TAKEN YOU OUT TO A MILLION ROMANTIC DINNERS.

- WELL, IF HE MENTIONS RESEDA, DON'T OVERDRESS.

- I DON'T WANT TO OVERDRESS,

AND I THINK THIS PANTSUIT SAYS,

"I'M CHIC, I'M DOWN TO PARTY,

AND I'M EFFORTLESSLY SEXY."

- I THINK...

YOU HAVE GREAT LEGS,

AND HIDING THEM WOULD BE A CRIME.

- YOU KNOW, YOU ARE SO RIGHT.

GOD, I THINK THE STRESS OF GOING TO MY REUNION

IS CLOUDING MY JUDGMENT A LITTLE.

- I GOT THIS.

- I PLANNED THIS ENTIRE SHINDIG,

AND IT HAS TO BE PERFECT.

STEVIE SHAY'S GONNA BE THERE.

HE WAS THE HOTTEST TOTTIE IN CLASS.

- OOH!

- ALL FOUR YEARS, HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MY REAL NAME,

THANKS TO THAT RUMORMONGERING BIATCH ERICA SCHNEBLY.

- WELL, TONIGHT EVERYONE'S GONNA SEE YOU

IN A WHOLE NEW LIGHT.

- OH, AND I HIRED SADIE'S FOOD TRUCK FOR CATERING.

FOOD TRUCKS ARE AU COURANT.

THAT MEANS "HIPSTER" IN FRENCH.

- HMM. MAKEUP, GOOD.

EARRINGS, PERFECT.

NECKLACE, TO DIE FOR.

YOU LOOK STUNNING.

- I LOVE IT!

JUST ONE QUESTION.

WHAT AM I WEARING?

- WELL DONE.

I SAY SEND.

- LET'S DO IT TOGETHER.

- THIS WAS IT.

ONCE I HIT "SEND," THERE WAS NO TURNING BACK.

NEXT FALL, I'D BE STARTING A WHOLE NEW LIFE.

BUT THERE WAS STILL CRAP FROM MY OLD LIFE

I HAD TO DEAL WITH.

CRAP, I STILL HAVE TO SEND MATTY HIS STUPID ESSAY.

- WHAT WAS THAT SCENE ABOUT TODAY?

HE WAS THROWING SOME SERIOUS BADITUDE YOUR WAY.

- I DON'T KNOW, AND I DON'T CARE.

- BOVINE FECES.

THAT'S "[bleep]" IN S.A.T.

- OKAY, YES, I CAN'T HELP CARING

IF HE'S BEING A DICK TO ME.

I'M TRYING NOT TO.

[computer whooshes]

THERE, SENT HIS STUPID ESSAY.

[soft pop music]

[tires squealing]

- DON'T TEXT AND DRIVE. IT CAN WAIT.

- I JUST--I NEED TO SEE IF JENNA SENT MY ESSAY.

- I COULD HELP YOU WRITE A REALLY GOOD ESSAY, YOU KNOW.

- OH, YEAH?

MM, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A NICE OFFER.

- HOW HARD COULD IT BE WITH SUCH A GREAT SUBJECT?

- [laughs] YOU'RE PRETTY GREAT YOURSELF.

BUT IT'S COOL. JENNA ALREADY HOOKED ME UP.

WILL YOU SEE IF SHE SENT IT?

*

ANYTHING?

- UH...

*

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.

SORRY.

I HOPE SHE'S NOT BLOWING YOU OFF.

- ALL RIGHT, BEFORE WE PUNCH OUR GOLDEN TICKET,

WE SHOULD DOCUMENT THE MOMENT.

[gasps] ADORBS.

I'LL POST.

- OH, CRAP.

MY DAD POSTED MORE OF HIS MEMORY LANE FREAK SHOW.

HE THINKS ADDING THE WORD "PRIVATE" NEXT TO MY NAME

MEANS NO ONE ELSE CAN SEE IT.

- [gasps]

JENNA, THE OTHER PICS YOU'RE TAGGED IN

AND THE PICS YOU'VE POSTED--

"RED CUPS AND RED EYES,"

"SEXY JENNA DUCK FACE POUT"?

COLLEGE ADMISSIONS OFFICERS ARE SUPER SNOOPERS.

THEY WANT A PERSON OF SUBSTANCE,

NOT SUBSTANCE ABUSE!

BEFORE YOU HIT "SEND," WE HAVE TO GIVE A PEDI

TO YOUR SLIGHTLY SKANK DIGITAL FOOTPRINT.

- CAN WE REALLY DO ALL THAT NOW?

- HAVE YOU MET THE EXPERT?

THE UPSIDE TO MY CATFISHING TRIP

WAS THE HONING OF MY PERCEPTION DECEPTION SKILLS.

ANY COLLEGE THAT GOOGLES TAMARA KAPLAN

WILL BE WOWED BY MY SQUEAKY-CLEAN ONLINE PERSONA.

LET'S SEE WHAT WE'RE WORKING WITH.

- THE MOST DISTURBING SHOTS

WEREN'T THE ONES I WAS CAUGHT DOING POOLSIDE.

THEY WERE THE ONES WITH MATTY BY MY SIDE.

MY COMPLICATED PAST WAS STILL ATTACHED TO MY PRESENT

AND IN NEED OF SOME SERIOUS SCRUBBING.

- THIS IS GOING TO BE A HELLISH ORDEAL,

SO I NEED BOTH OF YOU TO STAY OUT OF MY WAY

AND OBEY EVERY ORDER I GIVE YOU TO THE LETTER!

- WOW, YOU'RE REALLY FEELING

THIS WHOLE GERMAN THING, AREN'T YOU?

- YOU ARE HALF AN HOUR LATE.

NOW, FIRE UP THAT GRILL STAT!

- I TOLD YOU, I HAVE FRIDAY CLASS AND MIGHT BE LATE.

YOU SHOULD LISTEN WHEN I TELL YOU STUFF, SADITA.

- DO NOT CALL ME THAT,

AND KEEP YOUR CHOLO HANDS OFF ME,

COMPRENDE, SERGIO?

- ARE WE SERVING CHOLOS TONIGHT?

- THAT'S ACTIONABLE SEXUAL HARASSMENT, YOU PIG.

- STICKING THAT BIG OLE SEXY-ASS BOOTY IN MY FACE

IS WHAT CONSTITUTES SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

AND, BLANQUITA, IF I WAS SEXUALLY HARASSING YOU,

TRUST ME, YOU'D KNOW.

- UH, WHY DO I HAVE TO WEAR THE LEDERHOSEN AND HE DOESN'T?

- BECAUSE SERGIO WOULD LOOK STUPID IN LEDERHOSEN.

- AND I DON'T?

- NO, YOU DO.

NOW, EVERYONE, GET BACK TO [bleep] WORK!

- * LET ME HEAR YOU SAY

*

* LET ME HEAR YOU SAY

*

- VAL, GET IN HERE.

YOU CAN DO THIS. COME ON.

- I FEEL NAKED WITHOUT MY FANNY PACK.

WAIT. AM I NAKED? PEOPLE ARE STARING.

- NOPE. THEY ARE CHECKING YOU OUT.

- HEY.

THIS IS WEIRD.

I DON'T RECOGNIZE YOU TWO,

AND I DO NOT FORGET BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

[all laugh]

- WELL, I ACTUALLY DIDN'T GO HERE.

I'M WITH MY FRIEND VAL, WHO DID.

- CLEARLY I SMOKED TOO MUCH DOPE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- [laughing] STOP.

WHO DIDN'T?

I DO REMEMBER YOU, THOUGH.

YOU'RE STEVIE SHAY.

- YOU KNOW, MY GIRL HERE PLANNED THE WHOLE REUNION.

- COOL. - NO, NO, IT WAS NO TROUBLE.

I JUST BOOKED THE ROOM NINE MONTHS AGO.

THEN I CONFIRMED IT SIX MONTHS AGO.

AND THEN I PICKED OUT THE GOLD TABLECLOTHS

THREE MONTHS AGO--

- DEMPSTER! YOU SICK BASTARD.

OOH! - VAL-GINA?

OH, IT IS YOU!

WOW, YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.

GOOD FOR YOU.

ADMIT IT, THOUGH.

YOU'VE HAD WORK DONE.

- BUNION SURGERY.

THANKS FOR NOTICING.

- [laughing] OH, GOD.

YOU'RE STILL THAT SAME OLD KOOKY VAL-GINA.

[laughs]

- VAL-GINA?

- ERICA STARTED A RUMOR THAT I WAS A HERMAPHRODITE.

I NEED A HUG.

- NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU NEED LIP GLOSS.

- LOOK SMART, LIKE YOU'RE REALLY INTERESTED IN IT.

YOU'RE STUDYING. YOU'RE SOLVING.

DIFFICULT.

ACT LIKE YOU SOLVED IT.

- I'M TRYING.

- STOP!

- WELL, IT'S SOLVED. - JENNA!

- IT'S SOLVED.

- I'M NOT GONNA REMEMBER WHAT I WROTE.

THAT ONE'S REALLY GOOD.

- MM, I LIKE IT.

[doorbell rings]

- SURPRISE!

LET'S GO OUT AND CELEBRATE YOUR APPS GOING IN.

FRIDAY NIGHT IS JAZZ UNDER THE STARS AT LACMA.

- YOU ARE PERFECTION.

OH, CHECK OUT WHAT TAMARA DID FOR MY ONLINE PROFILE.

SHE IS TOTALLY SAVING MY ASS.

- HEY, TAMARA.

I HEAR YOU'RE SAVING A VERY NICE ASS.

- WE WERE JUST FINISHING UP.

I'LL GO GET MY STUFF.

- T!

T, WAIT.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- I CAN DO THE MATH.

T MINUS BF EQUALS THIRD WHEEL.

AND THAT'S SAGIC--

SADLY TRAGIC.

- LOOKS GREAT.

LOTS TO CELEBRATE.

- LISTEN,

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BAIL ON T.

WE SORT OF HAD A GIRLS' NIGHT PLANNED.

- THEN HOW ABOUT WE BAG THE CONCERT

AND I TAKE YOU BOTH FOR A QUICK FRO-YO?

- MM.

HEY, PUT THAT BAG DOWN.

LUKE IS TAKING US OUT FOR FRO-YO

AND THEN DITCHING.

BESTIE FESTIE IS BACK ON.

- TRUTH IS, I DON'T LIKE JAZZ NEARLY AS MUCH

AS I LIKE BEING A GUY WHO SAYS HE LIKES JAZZ.

- THEN LET'S PUT THE CHERRY ON TOP OF YOUR NEW BRAND:

THE BF/GF PHOTO.

CUDDLE UP.

- I HOPE THIS PLACE IS OKAY.

I MET THE CHEF LAST YEAR IN VEGAS ON NEW YEAR'S EVE,

AND HE'S BEEN HOUNDING ME TO COME BY.

- YEAH, LOOKS GREAT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE JENNA STILL HASN'T SENT THAT EMAIL.

- I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH HER?

BUT FORGET ABOUT THAT NOW.

WE ARE CELEBRATING.

OKAY, BIG SMILE.

- HOW ABOUT SOME STRUDEL WHILE WE WAIT?

- YES, SIR.

JUST A FEW MORE MINUTES.

HOW MUCH LONGER?

- SADITA'S SO USED TO HANGING OUT THE WINDOW

SWEET-TALKING ALL THE CUSTOMERS,

SHE ISN'T ANY GOOD AT FIRING UP A SAUSAGE.

- SERGIO, I WILL GRIND YOUR SAUSAGE AND FEED IT TO--

- HEY, WHOA, WHOA! JUST A SECOND.

- JESUS, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE A FRICKIN' HOT DOG?

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EAT UNDERCOOKED PORK?

BON APPETIT, BUTTHOLE.

- WHAT'S WRONG, MATTY?

- HARD TO CELEBRATE OUR APPS GOING IN

WHEN MINE AREN'T IN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE JENNA WOULD SCREW ME OVER LIKE THIS.

- IT'S ALMOST LIKE SHE'S TRYING TO SABOTAGE YOU OR SOMETHING.

BUT WHY?

I MEAN, SHE'S SO NICE.

I CAN'T EVER BELIEVE SHE WOULD TRY TO HURT YOU ON PURPOSE.

WOULD SHE?

- SHE HAS BEFORE.

- WELL, WHATEVER WITH HER.

LOOK! WE ALREADY GOT 20 LIKES.

OH, GUESS WE KNOW WHAT JENNA'S SO BUSY WITH RIGHT NOW.

- WHAT THE HELL?

JENNA CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO SEND ME MY ESSAY,

BUT SHE HAS TIME FOR YOGURT.

- GOD, I'M SO SORRY.

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, EVA.

I'M SUDDENLY IN THE MOOD FOR DESSERT.

- DON'T LET ONE PERSON RUIN YOUR NIGHT.

THERE'S STEVIE OVER THERE.

GO ASK HIM WHAT HE DOES.

GUYS LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES.

HEY, SURPRISE YOURSELF.

YEAH. YOU GOT IT. GO.

- SO, STEVIE,

WHAT'S YOUR OCCUP--

WHAT DO--WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU DO?

- OH, HEY.

HIGH SCHOOL GYM TEACHER.

GETTING PAID TO BE A JOCK.

- THAT IS SO COOL.

I'M A HIGH SCHOOL COUNSELOR.

GETTING PAID TO BE A COUNSELOR.

THESE ARE ACTUALLY SOME OF MY PEEPS.

YO, SADIE, SMELLS GOOD!

- [bleep] OFF!

- YOU GOT IT!

JUST LOVE KIDS.

YOU KNOW, MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- I THOUGHT HIGH SCHOOL KIND OF SUCKED FOR YOU.

- YEAH.

YEAH, IT DID, MAYBE A SKOSH,

BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, NOW I LOVE IT.

- THAT'S AWESOME.

HEY, I WAS AFRAID THIS PARTY WOULD BE KIND OF LAME,

SO I GOT A ROOM.

- YES.

- YOU WANT TO SEE IT? - YES. YES, I DO.

OKAY.

- SO JUST TO BE CLEAR,

THIS IS NOT A GOOD PICTURE FOR MY PROFILE.

- DEFINITELY NOT.

- BUT COULD BE LISTED UNDER SPECIAL TALENTS.

- SO IS THERE A REASON WHY YOU HAVEN'T SENT ME MY ESSAY?

- HI TO YOU TOO.

I SENT IT HOURS AGO.

- REALLY?

I'D LIKE TO GO TO COLLEGE, JENNA.

I WANT MY ESSAY NOW.

- WELL, I'M SORRY, MATTY,

BUT I AM WITH MY BOYFRIEND

AND MY BEST FRIEND.

I WILL SEND IT TO YOU AGAIN WHEN I GET HOME.

- WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO TILL THEN?

- NOT MY PROBLEM. - IT'S OKAY, MATTY.

WE CAN JUST HANG SOME MORE. I DON'T MIND.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW SELFISH YOU'RE BEING RIGHT NOW?

- OKAY, MAN, THAT'S ENOUGH. SHE'LL SEND IT TO YOU LATER.

- THIS IS AWK-WEIRD. JENNA, WE CAN JUST GO.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

NO, WE'RE STAYING,

'CAUSE WE ARE HAVING A GREAT TIME.

MATTY, YOU WANT YOUR ESSAY SO BAD?

WHY DON'T YOU GO AND GET IT YOURSELF?

YOU KNOW WHERE THE KEY IS.

- FINE. I WILL.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP, JENNA,

ALL OF IT.

- YOU'RE SO WELCOME, MATTY.

- THIS HAS ONIONS.

I ORDERED SAUERKRAUT.

- WHAT, ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT YOUR BREATH?

BECAUSE IN THAT UGLY SWEATER AND THOSE BOGO FRUMP PUMPS,

THE CHANCES OF YOU GETTING ANY TONIGHT

ARE AS DEAD AS THE SOW THAT BRATWURST CAME FROM.

- SADIE!

STOP BEING SUCH A MEAN, NASTY BITCH!

[cheers and applause]

PLEASE ACCEPT THIS ON THE HOUSE.

- THANK YOU.

- NICE.

- THANKS.

STAY IN THE BACK,

AND KEEP THOSE BRATS COMING DOUBLE TIME, SADIE,

OR JAKE AND I ARE LEAVING.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

- I JUST GOT BACK FROM BONE TOWN.

- YOU DIDN'T!

- NO, I DIDN'T.

I DON'T THINK I DID.

WAIT. IF HE...

- THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

- OKAY, WHAT IF I...

- NOT EVEN A BASE.

- OH, THANK GOD!

HE WAS SO BORING.

NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE STEVIE I FANTASIZED ABOUT.

HE DIDN'T ASK ME ONE QUESTION ABOUT MYSELF.

IF THAT'S THE KIND OF MAN THAT SUPERMODEL VAL ATTRACTS,

I'M GOING BACK TO THE REAL VAL.

- FOR THE RECORD, I KIND OF LOVE THE REAL VAL.

- CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

- MM.

- IT WAS TINY.

HIS P MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN A V.

- YOU HAD SEX WITH MY HUSBAND?

STEVIE!

- ONE MORE REASON NOT TO HAVE DONE THE DIRTY WITH DINKY.

SHOULD WE GET OUT OF HERE?

I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A SCENE.

- AH, THEY'RE NOT COMING BACK.

AND, HONEY, WE ARE THE SCENE.

- HOW NICE THAT YOU CAN GET INTO JENNA'S BEDROOM

ANYTIME YOU WANT.

- GOT IT.

LET'S GO.

- NOT SO FAST.

YOU PROMISED ME DESSERT.

- OH.

OH, EVA, STOP.

NOT HERE.

THIS IS-- THIS IS WEIRD.

- I'M SORRY.

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.

I JUST--

I CAN'T STOP FEELING LIKE I'M COMPETING WITH HER.

- YOU ARE SO NOT.

- BUT YOU KNOW WHERE SHE HIDES HER KEY,

AND YOU HAVE, LIKE, ALL OF HER TEXTS IN YOUR PHONE--

- YOU SAW ALL OF OUR TEXTS?

- I'M SORRY. I JUST--

I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE.

AND THEY GO BACK A LONG TIME.

- WELL, THEY GO BACK TO THE PAST.

AND THE PAST, WELL...

IT'S NOW OFFICIALLY THE PAST.

- YOU ERASED ALL OF THEM?

FOR ME?

- JENNA--

JENNA'S DELETED.

- OH, SHOOT.

I LEFT MY PHONE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[Gold & Youth's Time to Kill]

*

- * POISONED, HOLLOW TOWNIES

- GOT IT.

- * WALLOW ON THE CORNER

* TAKE THE POWER LINES BACK HOME *

- YOU KNOW, IT WAS REALLY COOL WHAT YOU DID BACK THERE.

I'M SO USED TO SADIE BOSSING YOU AROUND.

- I LOVE ORDERING SADIE AROUND.

[both laugh]

YOU'VE CHANGED TOO, JAKE.

TAMARA USED TO YANK YOU AROUND,

BUT NOW YOU'RE JUST...

MORE YOU.

- CHANGE IS A GOOD THING.

THERE MIGHT BE MORE TO COME.

- WE DID IT WITHOUT SPEAKING,

EACH KNOWING THAT THE SIMPLE ACT OF HITTING "SEND"

WOULD PROBABLY BE THE END OF JENARA COLLEGE ROOMIES--

NO FRESHMAN DORM BESTIE FESTIES,

SORORITY KIDNAPS, FOOTBALL TAILGATES,

OR COLLEGE GRADUATION PARTIES FOUR YEARS FROM NOW.

WE WERE BOTH HAPPY AND SAD

AND DID WHAT WE ALWAYS DID IN THAT SITUATION--

PUT ON A SAD MOVIE.

UGH, I FEEL LIKE A SHOWER

JUST KNOWING MATTY AND EVA WERE IN HERE.

- IT WAS REALLY COOL OF LUKE TO INCLUDE ME TONIGHT.

- THAT'S THE WAY IT'LL ALWAYS BE.

NO MATTER WHERE WE GO OR WHO WE DATE,

WE WILL ALWAYS MAKE TIME FOR EACH OTHER.

- [sighs]

- DON'T CRY. IF YOU CRY, I'LL CRY.

- SORRY, I ALWAYS CRY

AT THE OPENING CREDITS OF THE NOTEBOOK.

EW!

SKANKY JANK!

I'VE SEEN ENOUGH OF YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY.

I DON'T NEED TO SLEEP WITH IT.

- NOT MINE.

EVA'S?

- O-M-DOUBLE-EFFING-G,

SHE DID NOT-- HE DID NOT--

OR DID THEY,

IN YOUR BED?

- JENNA HAMILTON PERSONAL STATEMENT:

WHEN I STARTED HIGH SCHOOL, I WAS INVISIBLE.

IT WAS EASIER THAT WAY, NOT TO BE NOTICED.

WHEN I WAS NOTICED,

IT WASN'T FOR THE THINGS I WANTED TO BE NOTICED FOR.

FELT LIKE MY DESTINY WASN'T MY OWN.

BUT THAT GIRL'S ABOUT TO GRADUATE.

SHE'S FOUND HER VOICE AND IS READY TO USE IT.

- HEY, GIRLFRIEND.

- HEY, YOU LEFT SOMETHING IN MY BED LAST NIGHT,

GIRLFRIEND.

- HOW EMBARRASSING.

I'M SO SORRY.

- NO BIGGIE.

- JENNA, I REALLY AM SORRY.

I NEVER MEANT FOR THINGS TO GO THAT FAR.

IT'S JUST, MATTY,

YOU KNOW HOW HE IS WHEN HE'S, YOU KNOW...

- HERE'S THE DEAL, EVA.

THINGS AREN'T GREAT BETWEEN MATTY AND I RIGHT NOW.

BUT I KNOW MATTY MCKIBBEN,

AND HE WOULD NEVER [bleep] YOU IN MY BED.

SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF GAME THIS IS YOU'RE PLAYING,

BUT COUNT ME OUT.

BUT, HEY, NICE TRY.

- I GOT NOTHING, HAMILTON.

- NEXT, ON AWKWARD...

THE SENIOR SKI TRIP WAS LEGENDARY.

- HEY. - OH, MY GOD--

[yelps, gasps]

- JENNA, DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH EVA?

- I DIDN'T DRIVE TWO HOURS

TO WATCH SOME PSYCHODRAMA WITH YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND.

- I'M A FRIEND OF EMMA MANSFIELD.

- I'M EMMA MANSFIELD.