Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD...

- SO YOU DIDN'T D.T.R.? - WE'RE SENIORS.

WE DON'T NEED TO D.T. ANYTHING.

WE HAD FUN, AND I'M NOT GONNA OVERTHINK IT.

- I WANT TO BREAK UP.

- DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE SINGLE IN SENIOR YEAR?

- I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN AVOIDING ME,

AND I'M JUST WONDERING WHY. - I'M ADOPTED.

- AFTER MATTY DROPPED THE BOMB THAT HIS FAMILY WASN'T NUCLEAR,

I KNEW IT WAS TIME TO ADOPT

A NEW ATTITUDE TOWARDS OUR RELATIONSHIP.

I HAD SPENT ALL THAT TIME

WORRYING MATTY WAS SHUTTING ME OUT.

BUT HE ACTUALLY ENDED UP LETTING ME IN...

ON THE FACT THAT HE WAS ADOPTED,

AND HIS PARENTS HAD NEVER BOTHERED TO TELL HIM.

REALITY CHECK FOR JENNA--

TIME TO STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.

VAL!

I'M REALLY EXCITED FOR THE PEER-MENTORING PROGRAM.

- ME TOO.

WITH YOU GIRLS SHOULDERING SOME OF MY COUNSELING BURDEN,

I'LL HAVE TWO AFTERNOONS A WEEK FREE

FOR SOME MUCH-NEEDED ALONE TIME.

OH, LOOK, THERE'S YOUR MENTEE NOW--PRUDENCE.

- SHE REMINDED ME OF ME--

A LOST LAMB HEADED FOR THE SLAUGHTER THAT IS HIGH SCHOOL.

I DECIDED I WOULD BE THERE FOR HER,

THE WAY I WISHED SOMEONE HAD BEEN THERE FOR ME--

WELL, SOMEONE SANE.

I WOULD LISTEN TO HER. I WOULD SUPPORT HER.

AND I WOULD KEEP HER OUT OF HARM'S WAY.

OH, MY GOD. I'M JENNA.

ARE YOU OKAY, PRUDENCE?

THE LAST PERSON THAT CALLED ME THAT GOT THROAT-PUNCHED.

[hard rock music]

- OH, ARE YOU-- - CALL ME ANGEL.

- [clears throat]

- HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING GOING AROUND

ABOUT JAKE DUMPING ME?

IT IS ALL ABOUT WHO CONTROLS THE STORY.

JAKE BETTER NOT MAKE UP ANYTHING

ABOUT OUR BREAKUP THAT ISN'T TRUE.

I DID NOT GET DUMPED. I KNEW THE ENDING WAS PENDING.

- DO YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE WE SPEND A LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME

WONDERING ABOUT WHAT JAKE AND MATTY ARE THINKING?

- UH, NO. - OKAY.

99% OF THE TIME IT'S PROBABLY NOT ABOUT US AT ALL.

- WHO ARE YOU,

AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH "I AM JENNA HAMILTON"?

HELLO, JACOB.

- HELLO, LADIES. TAKE IT EASY.

- "TAKE IT EASY"?

WHAT IS THE SUBTEXT IN THAT CONTEXT--

THAT I'M TAKING IT HARD?

- MAYBE HE MEANT TAKE IT EASY.

HE WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND. - WE JUST BROKE UP, JENNA.

YOU CAN'T JUST TRANSITION FROM B.F. TO B.F.F.

WITHOUT SOME "D" IN BETWEEN.

- "D"? - DRAMA.

- OKAY. MAYBE YOU CAN.

WE'RE SENIORS. WE'RE ADULTS NOW.

ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP

DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN ENDING THE FRIENDSHIP.

I MEAN, LOOK AT MATTY AND I.

IN A LOT OF WAYS, WE'RE CLOSER THAN EVER.

- BECAUSE YOU HAD EX SEX? THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE CLOSE.

THAT JUST MEANS YOUR NAUGHTIES ARE.

- NO, BECAUSE WE SHARE THINGS WITH EACH OTHER

THAT WE WOULDN'T SHARE WITH JUST ANYONE,

SORT OF LIKE EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.

- OKAY, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

ARE YOU GUYS DATING OR MERELY MATING?

- I DON'T KNOW. - [sighs]

WELL, YOU BETTER FIGURE IT OUT NOW,

BECAUSE I AM OFFICIALLY NOT SPENDING MY SENIOR YEAR

STARING AT YOUR "AM I IN OR AM I OUT" POUT.

- SHE HAD A POINT.

IN THE PAST, MATTY HAD BEEN A GIANT, FLAKY SLICE

IN MY PIE CHART OF PREOCCUPATIONS.

BUT THINGS WERE DIFFERENT NOW.

HEY. HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M FINE.

- HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO YOUR PARENTS YET?

- NO, AND I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT AT SCHOOL,

OR AT ALL, REALLY. - I GET IT.

LISTEN, I KNOW THIS SOUNDS STUPID,

BUT I WAS WORRYING FOR, LIKE, A WHOLE DAY

THAT YOU REGRETTED HOOKING UP WITH ME.

- JENNA, I NEED TO BE ABLE TO NOT TALK TO YOU FOR ONE DAY

AND NOT HAVE YOU ASSUME I'M NOT INTO YOU.

- I-I KNOW. I SAID IT WAS STUPID.

- I'M INTO YOU.

- I'M INTO YOU TOO.

AND I JUST THOUGHT THAT IF WE'D SAID IT

THAT NEITHER ONE OF US WOULD HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT WE ARE.

- OKAY.

WHAT ARE WE?

- WE ARE TWO CONSENTING ADULTS

WHO CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER DEEPLY

AND ENJOY EXPRESSING THAT CARE PHYSICALLY...

FROM TIME TO TIME.

FRIENDS...

- WITH BENEFITS.

- I WASN'T AWARE THAT WAS WHAT I WAS PROPOSING.

BUT IF THAT'S WHAT IT MEANT TO BE CLOSE,

BUT TO NOT HAVE TO EXAMINE WHAT IT MEANT ALL THE TIME,

THEN, HEY, I WAS IN.

YEAH. I GUESS WE ARE.

- I'M DOWN.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER... FRIEND.

[chuckles] - OH.

HEY, I'M AROUND TO TALK LATER AFTER SCHOOL.

- YEAH, MAYBE I'LL, UH, HIT YOU UP LATER.

BUT IT WON'T BE TO TALK.

- OKAY, SO MAYBE EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

WASN'T SOMETHING YOU COULD ACHIEVE BETWEEN BIO AND GYM,

BUT AT LEAST HE KNEW I WAS THERE FOR HIM.

- WELCOME TO THE FIRST MEETING OF WE'RE HERE, WE'RE PEERS.

NOW LET'S GET MENTORING.

BEING THE CHICKEN SOUP FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S SOUL

IS A DELICATE BREW,

BUT YOU'RE ABOUT TO LEARN FROM THE MASTER CHEF.

I'VE MATCHED UP EACH SENIOR GIRL

WITH A FRESHMAN IN NEED OF GUIDANCE.

THERE WILL BE A PROGRESS REVIEW AT THE END OF THE WEEK,

WHERE EACH FRESHMAN WILL SHARE WHAT SHE LEARNED,

AND EACH SENIOR WILL GET A COMMUNITY-SERVICE CREDIT.

- I LOVE YOUR MAXI DRESS!

- IT'S CALLED HIJAB. WE WEAR IT FOR MODESTY.

- AW. WELL, YOU SEEM NICE.

IT'S TOO BAD YOU WON'T GET INTO HEAVEN.

- IT'S TOO BAD YOU WON'T GET INTO JANNAH DRESSED LIKE THAT.

- IS THAT THE NEW THREE-LEVEL, OVER-18 CLUB IN WESTWOOD?

- IT'S MUSLIM HEAVEN. IT HAS SEVEN LEVELS.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU NEED COUNSELING, CAITLIN.

YOU SEEM SUPES TOGETHER.

- THANKS. I'M GRATEFUL, NOT HATEFUL.

BEING A JOINER IS JUST IN MY DNA.

- SAME. DON'T HATE...

both: PARTICIPATE.

- TRIPPY.

- I NEED LESS VIRGIN AT THE BUS STOP

AND MORE WHORE ON THE FLOOR.

- BUT I'VE NEVER HAD SEX.

- AND I'VE NEVER BITCH-SLAPPED AN OLSEN TWIN,

BUT THAT DOES NOT STOP ME FROM DRESSING LIKE I HAVE.

WEAR IT TILL YOU TEAR IT.

- SADIE.

S-A-D...

I-E.

DO YOU NOT SPEAK ENGLISH? MINE'S BROKEN!

I GOT A BROKEN ONE.

- SHE'S AN EXCHANGE STUDENT FROM ESPANA.

SORRY, THAT'S WHAT WAS LEFT.

EARLIER, SHIRI AND ANGEL HAD AN ALTERCATION IN THE HALLWAY.

THIS IS WHAT I CALL A TEACHABLE MOMENT.

- "IT MAKES ME FEEL ANGRY WHEN I DON'T FEEL I AM BEING HEARD."

- [Spanish accent] "IT MAKE ME A-FEEL..."

- [whispering] FASTER. - QUE ES "ANGRY"?

- OKAY, I... - ENOJADO?

- I GOT A PARENT-TEACHER MEETING OFF CAMPUS IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

SO WHY DON'T WE HAVE YOUR MENTORS

SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE, HUH?

- "IT MAKES ME FEEL ANGRY"...

WHEN MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRLS,

WHO HAVE SPENT THE LAST THREE YEARS

GIVING HANDIES IN THE SANCTUARY,

ALL OF A SUDDEN FIND AMBITION IN TIME FOR COLLEGE APPS

AND MONOPOLIZE MY FREE PERIOD WITH TOUCHY-FEELY BULL CACA.

- I WANTED TO RESPOND IN KIND TO SADIE'S UNKIND RANT,

BUT I WANTED TO SUCCEED AS A MENTOR EVEN MORE,

AND THAT MEANT EMBRACING THE EXERCISE...

AND THE ENEMY.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

- EW! BAD TOUCH!

BAD TOUCH!

SERIOUSLY, I AM GOING TO PUKE.

- OH, HEY, YOU CAN HAVE THE TABLE.

I GOT A WORKING LUNCH-- WORKING ON MY MUSIC.

- OKAY, FLAG ON THE PLAYER--

HE'S TRYING TO SPIN THIS.

GIVING ME THE LUNCH TABLE,

HE IS TRYING TO LOOK LIKE THE GOOD GUY.

- CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT MAYBE HE IS THE GOOD GUY?

I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS HOW MATURE BREAKUPS GO.

- WELL, IF HE'S EXPECTING EX SEX FROM ME,

WE ARE NOT THERE...

YET.

- CAN I CRASH WITH YOU BITCHES?

- HEY, MATTY, ARE YOU NOT EATING?

- NOPE, NOT HUNGRY.

- OH, WELL, IF YOU GET HUNGRY LATER,

I'LL NEVER FINISH THIS UNI.

- JAKE WON'T MIND IF YOU SPEND SOME Q.T. WITH SOME CUTIES.

THIS LUNCH TABLE IS NEUTRAL GROUND. SIT.

- YEAH, I DON'T WANT TO SIT,

AND I DON'T WANT UNI, WHATEVER THAT IS.

WHAT I WANT TO DO IS GO TO THE GYM AND LIFT WEIGHTS,

WHICH IS WHERE I WAS HEADED BEFORE YOU GUYS STOPPED ME.

- JESUS, SOMEONE'S ON THE ROID RAG.

- CUT HIM SOME SLACK. HE'S GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME.

- YOU JUST HAD SEX WITH HIM.

WOULD IT KILL HIM TO HANG FOR ONE PANINI?

- HE DOESN'T HAVE TO TREAT ME LIKE A GIRLFRIEND.

WE HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING. WE'RE FRIENDS, NOT A COUPLE.

- * I GUESS I'M OUT OF LUCK BECAUSE *

* TOMORROW NEVER COMES

* TOMORROW NEVER COMES *

- O.M. JESUS CREE! HE IS TAYLOR SWIFTING ME!

- * WAITING AND WAITING AND WAITING *

- * TOMORROW NEVER COMES

* AND I KEEP WAITING AND WAITING AND WAITING ON *

* TOMORROW NEVER COMES

- FAKE JAKE!

YOU'RE PULLING A TIMBERLAKE POST BRITNEY,

A TAYLOR SWIFT POST, LIKE, EVERYBODY.

THIS WANNABE REMIX TO JAKARA IS TOTALLY MISLEADING!

TOMORROW DOES COME WHEN TOMORROW IS PROPERLY STIMULATED.

- THIS SONG'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

IT'S "TOMORROW." "TOMORROW NEVER COMES."

IT'S ABOUT THE HOPELESSNESS OF LOVE.

YOU DID BREAK MY HEART.

all: AW. - OH. [scoffs]

- BUT THE SONG'S STILL NOT ABOUT YOU.

- OH, CRY ME A RIVER, ROSATI!

- NOW, THIS IS THE BEAUTY OF SUBCONTRACTING MY JOB.

SHOULD'VE DONE IT AGES AGO.

- MMM. MMM.

[wax strip tears] AAH! AAH!

- OKAY, MAYBE IT WAS AN ODD COMBO,

BUT THE GROUPON WAS SO CHEAP.

- IT'S KIND OF HARD TO ENJOY A SLOW-ROASTED MEAT

WHEN YOU'RE HAVING MY PUBIC HAIR RIPPED OUT AT THE ROOT.

IT'S ALSO HIGHLY UNSANITARY.

VAL, IT GOT A "B"! [scoffs]

- OH, I THOUGHT THAT WAS FOR "BRAZILIAN."

- * SHE WORKS AT THE LOCAL TAQUERIA *

* SHE ALWAYS SMILES AT ME [computer chimes]

* WHEN I GO THERE

- WHAT UP, MENTOR?

I NEED A LITTLE PEER COUNSELING. YOU GOT A MINUTE?

- SURE.

- IS IT OKAY TO HOOK UP

WITH THREE GUYS IN ONE NIGHT?

- YOU MEAN AT THE SAME TIME? - OF COURSE NOT.

I'M NOT A SLUT. [knock at door]

- ANGEL, WILL YOU HOLD ON A SEC?

- IS THAT MATTY MCKIBBEN?

SILF! SENIOR I'D LIKE TO--

- WE'RE JUST FRIENDS. [laughs]

MM.

- FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS! BOO-YAH!

- UM, I HAVE TO GO.

BUT DON'T DO ANYTHING I WOULDN'T DO.

- WHAT IS THAT, BACK DOOR?

- HEY. COME HERE.

- THIS WAS A MUCH DIFFERENT MATTY FROM EARLIER.

CLEARLY WORKING OUT HAD PUT HIM IN A BETTER MOOD.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING OVER TONIGHT.

- I WANTED TO SEE YOU.

- OR MAYBE IT HAD JUST PUT HIM IN THE MOOD.

- UH, I HAVE CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG ON DVD.

I KNOW IT'S DORKY, BUT, UH, IT ALWAYS CHEERS ME UP.

YOU WANT TO WATCH IT? - YEAH.

CAN WE... WATCH IT LAYING DOWN?

- MATTY SEEMED SOLELY FOCUSED

ON THE BENEFITS OF OUR FRIENDSHIP,

BUT I CAN'T REALLY SAY I MINDED.

- HEY.

- OH! - OH!

HI, MATTY! - HI.

- UH, JENNA, DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THOSE PAINKILLERS LEFT

FROM WHEN YOU HAD YOUR WISDOM TEETH OUT?

THAT'S THE LAST TIME I GOT TO A DISCOUNT SPA.

THANK YOU.

THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TIME I HAD CRABS.

- MOM! - FROM NANA'S AFGHAN!

SHE GOT IT FROM A THRIFT STORE IN THE VALLEY.

[chuckles] AH!

EEH. [door closes]

- DO YOU STILL WANT TO... - I THINK I'M GOOD.

- WE CAN JUST HANG.

- UH, YEAH, I'M NOT REALLY IN THE MOOD TO JUST HANG.

BUT I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

- THERE WOULD BE NO BANG-BANG THAT NIGHT,

AND THAT SEEMED TO MAKE MATTY'S GOOD MOOD

ONCE AGAIN TURN CHITTY. [door closes]

- HEY, MAN, WHAT DID THAT WATER BOTTLE EVER DO TO YOU?

- OH. NOTHING.

MY, UH--MY PARENTS SUCK.

- WHY?

- JUST--SINCE THEY SPLIT UP, THEY ARE EVEN WORSE THAN USUAL.

SO... - YEAH, SPLITTING UP SUCKS.

I MEAN, UNLESS IT'S FROM TAMARA,

AND THEN IT'S THE BEST THING EVER.

- HEY, MAN, NO OFFENSE, BUT DO YOU MIND

IF WE, UH, DON'T TALK ANYMORE?

- YEAH, DUDE. NO, WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK.

WE'RE GUYS...

SENIOR GUYS.

I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME

WE SHOULD START CASHING IN THE THOSE CHIPS.

[strums acoustic ballad]

- ARE YOU SEEING THIS?

HE HAS GROUPIES--

EVEN MY PEER MENTEE, CAITLIN.

ONE OF HIS "WHORECEROR'S" APPRENTICES

MADE HIM A FAN PAGE LAST NIGHT.

- UM, IT SAYS YOU'RE NO LONGER CONNECTED TO THIS USER.

- HE BLOCKED ME?

OH, GAME ON.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT HIDEOUS THING ON YOUR HEAD?

- LEARNING ABOUT MUSLIM CULTURE. IT'S REALLY NEAT.

LIKE, DO YOU KNOW MUSLIMS HAVE SEVEN LEVELS OF HEAVEN?

WE ONLY HAVE ONE!

AND EACH LEVEL IS LIKE A SANDALS RESORT, BUT BETTER.

- SHIRI, FIND THE NEAREST MENTAL WARD.

- WHY CAN'T SHE WEAR HER SCARF?

- HAVE I TAUGHT YOU NOTHING?

TAKE THIS DOWN.

"YOU'RE NOT BEING A GOOD FRIEND WHEN YOU DON'T TELL SOMEONE

THEY LOOK RIDICULOUS"...

WHICH YOU DO.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

[snaps fingers]

- [strumming ballad]

[stops strumming]

[strumming continues]

- OKAY! LISTEN UP!

PRESIDENTIAL ANNOUNCEMENT--

THERE WILL BE NO MORE MUSIC IN THE CAFETERIA.

IT IS DISTRACTING TO PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY TRYING TO STUDY.

- WHAT? NO! - SHE'S RIGHT.

THIS IS A PUBLIC PLACE,

WHICH IS WHY I'M HAVING A PRIVATE CONCERT

AT MY PLACE TOMORROW NIGHT.

SO WHO'S IN?

- UH, SORRY, SWEETIE.

THERE'S A MANDATORY PEER-MENTOR MEETING

TOMORROW NIGHT AT JENNA'S.

- THERE IS? - WHAT, YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS?

- MATTY MIGHT SHOW UP UNEXPECTEDLY.

HE DID LAST NIGHT.

- JENNA, I DON'T WATCH TV IN THE SUMMER.

KNOW WHY? - NO, WHY?

- BECAUSE I HATE RERUNS.

THIS IS JUST LIKE SOPHOMORE YEAR.

HE'S GETTING WHAT HE WANTS, AND YOU'RE NOT.

- AND WHAT IS IT EXACTLY THAT I WANT?

- TO BE MORE THAN MATTY'S SEX-TRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY.

I DON'T CARE HOW EMOTIONALLY INTIMATE HE IS.

IF HE CAN'T BE CIVIL TO YOU AT LUNCH

OR MAKE PLANS WITH YOU RATHER THAN JUST SHOWING UP

WHENEVER HE FEELS LIKE IT, THEN...

YOU'RE HIS "F" BUDDY, NOT HIS FRIEND.

- HEY, JENNA, GOT ANOTHER MENTOR QUESTION FOR YOU.

WHEN GOING DOWN,

IS IT CUSTOMARY TO TAKE OUT YOUR TONGUE RING?

[upbeat music]

- OKAY.

SO HERE'S THE FIRST STOP ON THE JENNA HAMILTON

SCARED-STRAIGHT TOUR OF CAMPUS.

THIS IS WHERE I HAD MANY ILL-ADVISED SECRET HOOKUPS.

I DIDN'T RESPECT MYSELF, AND WORST OF ALL,

I DIDN'T DEMAND RESPECT FROM GUYS.

- HEY, HAMILTON. LOOKING GOOD. 'SUP?

- WOW. THIS IS THE BALLS--

A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN COME DURING SCHOOL TO GET SOME?

[laughs] - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, AND THIS IS WHERE I SPENT MANY LUNCHES ALONE

AFTER COMPLETELY ALIENATING ALL OF MY FRIENDS.

- [screams]

- OH, HEY, BIATCHES.

THANK GOD THERE'S AT LEAST ONE PLACE

WHERE WE CAN PIERCE IN PEACE.

JUST GO GET SOME ANTIBIOTIC CREAM.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT FOR LOTS OF STUFF.

- [laughs]

COOL.

- NO, NOT COOL.

OKAY, LAST STOP, THE PARKING LOT.

THIS IS WHERE LOSERS GO TO CUT CLASS.

I USED TO COME HERE AND SIT AND STARE

AND AVOID EVERYTHING I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH IN LIFE.

- [sighs] - MATTY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - HUH?

[sniffles] NOTHING.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER, OKAY?

- [sighs]

- ARE YOU HIGH?

- NOPE.

- COME ON, YOUR EYES ARE ALL RED.

YOU'VE EITHER BEEN SMOKING OR CRYING.

MATTY, ARE YOU OKAY?

IT HAD BECOME CLEAR THAT MATTY WAS USING SEX

TO AVOID WHAT HE REALLY SHOULD'VE BEEN DEALING WITH.

I WANTED TO RESPECT HIS FEELINGS,

BUT I NEEDED TO FEEL RESPECTED MYSELF.

- COME ON, LET'S GET IN THE BACK.

- IGNORING THAT WAS ONE MISTAKE I COULDN'T AFFORD TO REPEAT.

MATTY, I'M NOT SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU REALLY NEED.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED? [sniffles]

- BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.

- YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH.

- WELL, I'M TRYING TO. I'M TRYING TO BE...

- TO BE WHAT? - A FRIEND.

BUT THE WAY YOU'RE ACTING IS MAKING ME FEEL

LESS LIKE A BUDDY AND MORE LIKE A [bleep].

- I'M SORRY YOU SEE IT THAT WAY, JENNA.

I GUESS I'VE JUST BEEN A LITTLE BUSY

DEALING WITH THE FACT THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE.

- AND I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT-- - THAT IS JUST IT, JENNA.

I DON'T WANT YOUR SYMPATHY.

I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT THE HELL ALONE!

NO, I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.

- SO YOU JUST WANT TO...

- FOR RIGHT NOW, YEAH.

SO IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT, THEN JUST TELL ME.

- I CAN'T HANDLE IT.

- * I WISH, I WISH I...

* COULD SHUT IT OFF

- YOU SEE, THAT'S WHY

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO HAVE GOALS.

- IT IS 8:15.

CAITLIN IS OFFICIALLY BITCH-DITCHING.

I KNOW THAT SLUT-SKANK WENT TO JAKE'S.

- YOU MEAN LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?

WHY AM I HERE IF NO ONE ELSE HAS TO BE?

- SHE'S PROBABLY GIVING HIS PRIVATES A CONCERT

AS WE SPEAK,

BUT I WILL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE HE BLOCKED ME!

- YOU'RE NOT DATING HIM ANYMORE.

ANGEL, EARMUFFS. - [sighs]

- I AM NOT DATING HIM,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I WANT ANYBODY ELSE DATING HIM!

IT'S A CLASSIC BIZNATCH-22.

I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM,

BUT I HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON WITH HIM.

[distant laughter]

- I'M SIGNING IT "FIRE CROTCH." [laughter]

- YEAH! - WHOA, WHOA! MOM!

[all sigh]

- WE'RE WRITING A REVENGE REVIEW OF THE "SPASTAURANT"

THAT GAVE US COOCHIE POISONING.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- "I'VE SEEN CLEANER FLOORS IN A BANGKOK BATHHOUSE."

- THAT WAS MINE. - SWISH!

- OKAY, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO MAKE ENEMIES

WITH PEOPLE WHO SPEAR MEAT ONTO SHARP STICKS?

- IT'S FINE. WE MADE UP A FAKE NAME.

- THAT'S SMART! - MM-HMM.

- WELL, YOU BITCHES REALLY KNOW HOW TO THROW DOWN.

IT'S BEEN A REAL EYE-OPENER. - REALLY?

- REALLY! I'M TOTALLY READY FOR THE PROGRESS MEETING TOMORROW.

- * LOOSEN UP

[computer chiming]

* LOOSEN UP

*

- "HAVE WE MET?"

- "NO, BUT I LISTENED TO SOME MUSIC ON YOUR FAN PAGE."

[computer chimes]

"YOU ARE CUTE."

*

- WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO WE'RE HERE, WE'RE PEERS.

LET'S FIND OUT IF WE'VE LEARNED ANYTHING, HMM?

SHIRI?

- I HAVE LEARNED THAT IT DOES NOT PAY TO BE SHY.

YOU GOT TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY NEED TO HEAR.

LIKE YOU...

YOU NEED A POP OF COLOR. YOU LOOK LIKE A VAMPIRE.

POLKA DOTS ARE FOR CLOWNS IN THE CIRCUS.

AND FANNY PACKS ARE SOLELY MEANT FOR THE ELDERLY AND DISABLED.

[laughs]

DE NADA.

[light applause]

- GRACIAS, SHIRI.

[door closes]

- [whispering] HI, BABY. HEY, ANGEL.

[sighs]

SORRY I'M LATE, SWEETIE. I WOULDN'T MISS YOUR BIG MOMENT.

- I GOT TO BE HONEST.

I DIDN'T THINK I HAD ANYTHING TO LEARN

FROM THIS STUPID PROGRAM.

ALL MY LIFE I NEVER REALLY KNEW WHAT I WANTED TO BE,

AND I DIDN'T CARE.

BUT NOW I HAVE MET SOMEONE WHO'S SO FREAKIN' COOL

THAT I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE HER.

AND THANKS TO MY MENTOR, JENNA, I HAVE SET A GOAL.

I WANT TO BE 16 AND PREGNANT!

[hard rock music]

AND I HAVE JENNA AND HER BADASS MOM TO THANK

FOR INSPIRING ME.

[sighs]

- I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE AS A MENTOR.

- YEAH, BUT YOUR MOM IS THE COOLEST.

SO YOU CAN'T REALLY BLAME ANGEL FOR WANTING TO BE LIKE HER.

AND DON'T BE SO HARD ON MY GIRL.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE FIRST BROUGHT TO MY OFFICE?

YOU TOTALLY PUSHED ME AWAY.

BUT I STAYED ON YOU BECAUSE I CARED,

AND I KNEW THAT YOUR CRAPPY, CRAPPY ATTITUDE

HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

DON'T GIVE UP...

EXCEPT ON THIS PROGRAM.

AFTER HE HEARS ABOUT ANGEL'S SPEECH,

PRINCIPAL COX WILL PROBABLY PULL THE PLUG.

BUT... [inhales sharply] DON'T GIVE UP, IN GENERAL.

- I WON'T.

- YEAH, PROBABLY SHOULDN'T GET TOO CLOSE

UNTIL I GET RID OF THIS RASH.

- VAL WAS RIGHT-- I NEEDED TO STAY ON MATTY,

BECAUSE THE MORE HE PUSHED ME AWAY...

[doorbell rings] THE MORE HE REALLY NEEDED ME.

AND I WAS GOING TO BE THERE FOR HIM.

- OH, HEY, JENNA.

- UH, IS MATTY HERE?

- YEAH, BUT I'M NOT SURE HE'S UP FOR COMPANY.

YOU WERE RIGHT--HE'S REALLY NOT IN A GREAT PLACE RIGHT NOW.

I THINK HE JUST NEEDS SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

- UNFORTUNATELY, IT LOOKED LIKE EVA HAD GOTTEN THERE FIRST.

- I'LL TELL HIM YOU STOPPED BY.

[door closes]

- * WHEN THE SKY FELL DOWN

- NEXT ON AWKWARD... [whistle blows]

- IF THE SENIORS DON'T WIN SPIRIT WEEK,

I'LL JUMP OVERBOARD.

- FOR THE FIRST TIME IN RECORDED HISTORY,

THE SENIORS MIGHT LOSE SPIRIT WEEK.

- [bleep] JUST GOT REAL.

- SO MATTY HAD COMPLETELY REPLACED ME IN HIS LIFE--

EVA FOR CONVERSATION,

AND MACKENZIE WAS CLEARLY AVAILABLE

FOR WHATEVER ELSE HE NEEDED.

- IT MUST SUCK TO BE OLD AND UNDESIRABLE.