Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD...

- SHE'S GOT A PERFORMANCE TONIGHT

WHICH SHE'S NOW SHUT ME OUT OF. - THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I AM SHUTTING ALL OF YOU OUT OF IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S INTERESTING?

- WHAT? - YOU.

- YOU WERE CLASSIC.

[phone buzzing]

- I DIDN'T KNOW IF MATTY'S CHEESE-NASTY PLAYLIST

WAS THROWING ME OFF OR THE PARALYZING GUILT I FELT

FROM HITTING THE "IGNORE" BUTTON

WHEN HE SHOWED UP THE NIGHT BEFORE,

BUT EITHER WAY, I WAS PHONING IT IN TO MY OWN BOOTY CALL.

- YOU OKAY? - MM-HMM.

- YOU SEEM DISTRACTED BY SOMETHING.

- UNFORTUNATELY, "SOMETHING" HAD A NAME: COLLIN JENNINGS,

WHO I HADN'T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT

SINCE WE BONDED OVER LEMON BARS IN MY EPIC OUTING,

BUT WITH MY MAN IN MY BED,

I NEEDED TO GET COLLIN OUT OF MY HEAD.

I HAD SUCCESSFULLY FAKED SLEEP TO MATTY,

BUT WOULD I BE ABLE TO PULL OFF FAKING "IT"?

[romantic new wave music]

*

- HOLD ON A SECOND.

- * OUT IN THE LIGHT LAST SUMMER NIGHT *

[R&B music]

[both moaning]

- OH, MY GOD, THAT WAS UNREAL.

- AND UNFAIR.

IN MY NAKED AND VULNERABLE STATE,

MY FANTASY HAD RUDELY CREEPED IN AND MADE MY REALITY ITS BITCH.

[keyboard clicking]

[thud]

AND I COULDN'T GET INTO IT

UNTIL FREAKIN' COLLIN POPPED INTO MY HEAD--

NOT ON PURPOSE. I WAS TRYING TO FOCUS ON MATTY.

SO THEN I TRIED THINKING ABOUT BASEBALL,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO,

BUT THEN COLLIN SHOWED UP IN A DODGERS UNIFORM.

DAMN HIM.

SHOULD I BE WORRIED? I THINK I SHOULD BE WORRIED.

- STOP BEING SO "DRAMASTIC," HAMILTON.

EVERYONE HAS FANTASIES.

- EVEN YOU? - OF COURSE!

- THERE'S NO WAY YOU THOUGHT-BUBBLE

ABOUT ANYONE BUT JAKE ROSATI.

- NOT TRUE. I HAVE TWO BATH BUDDIES.

ONE IS MY SHOWER MASSAGER,

AND THE OTHER IS NIALL FROM ONE DIRECTION.

- HE'S NOT EVEN THE CUTE ONE.

HENRY AND I ONLY FANTASIZE ABOUT EACH OTHER, RIGHT, HENRY?

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

- GUESS YOU AND YOUR FAKE BOYFRIEND ARE IN A FAKE FIGHT?

- SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY GOING DOWN IN CHINATOWN.

- NOW YOU AND I CAN FREAK OUT TOGETHER.

- UH, MING CAN BUY A TICKET ON THE FREAK TRAIN,

BUT, "J", YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

HAVING FANTASIES IS TOTES NORMAL

AND THE KEY TO MAINTAINING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

- WHAT FANTASIES? - I DON'T HAVE ANY FANTASIES,

EVER, NOT ONE.

WE'RE TALKING ONE-TRACK MIND HERE, ROSATI.

CAN YOU GIVE US A MINUTE? WE'RE GIRL-TALKING,

AND I CAN'T PROMISE THE SUBJECT OF TAMPONS WON'T COME UP.

- UH.

- IF FANTASIES ARE TOTES NORMAL, WHY DID YOU JUST LIE ABOUT IT?

- HE IS A BOY, WHICH MEANS HE IS TOO SENSITIVE

TO HANDLE THE TRUTH, AND THE TRUTH IS,

I DAYDREAM ABOUT SLIP-SLIDING NAKED

ACROSS NIALL'S BABY-SMOOTH CHEST.

WHICH DOESN'T MEAN I LOVE JAKE ANY LESS.

- "T" MADE A GOOD POINT, ALBEIT A SLIGHTLY DISTURBING ONE.

IF JAKARA WASN'T THREATENED BY TAMARA'S MENTAL DALLIANCES,

MAYBE MY RELATIONSHIP WAS SAFE FROM MINE.

[bell rings]

- SO, INSPIRED BY JUNIOR BLOGGER OVER THERE

AND HER INCREDIBLY BLEAK YARN ABOUT THE LOSS OF INNOCENCE,

YOU'RE ALL GONNA WRITE ABOUT FIRSTS.

YES, ANGER MANAGEMENT?

- FIRST WHAT?

- HOW 'BOUT THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT AN "A" IN MY CLASS?

OH, WAIT, THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

- WHAT IF WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX YET?

WHAT DO WE WRITE ABOUT?

- OPEN YOUR EARS, AMERICAN PSYCHO.

I DID NOT SAY YOU HAD TO WRITE ABOUT LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY.

NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR MISADVENTURES WITH MADISON.

- WHO? - YOUR BLOW-UP GIRLFRIEND.

- I DON'T HAVE A--

HER NAME IS AMY.

- YES? - AM I DONE WITH THE ASSIGNMENT?

- YOU USED SOMETHING THAT YOU WROTE A YEAR AGO.

THAT'S NOT WRITING. IT'S CALLED "READING."

- SO SHOULD I EXPAND ON MY STORY?

- YOU COULD, IF I WASN'T COMPLETELY OUT OF SCOTCH.

YOU ALREADY WROTE THE GRITTY, TENEBROUS REALITY.

NOW WRITE WHAT YOU THOUGHT YOUR FIRST TIME WOULD BE.

WRITE THE FANTASY. - NOT A PROBLEM.

I WAS AN EXPERT IN THAT DEPARTMENT.

- AND THIS TIME, TRY NOT TO DEPRESS THE [bleep] OUT OF ME.

- TOLD YOU YOU KILLED IT. - MM-HMM.

[bell rings]

- DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT THIS ASSIGNMENT?

- ACTUALLY, I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING I WANT LESS.

- IT'S TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE.

I REFUSE TO WRITE ABOUT SLUTTING IT UP.

- I BELIEVE I SAID "FIRST ANYTHING."

- YEAH, BUT SO FAR, YOU'VE ONLY GIVEN GOOD GRADES

FOR PERVY PORN, WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE IS ILLEGAL,

SINCE WE'RE UNDERAGE. - FIRST OFF,

I'D RATHER PUT A HOT POKER TO MY BALLS

THAN READ ABOUT YOUR PUBESCENT FUMBLINGS,

AND SECONDLY, I HAVE AN AMPLE SUPPLY OF PERVY PORN.

THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE NOT WELCOME. - MISS SAXTON,

I DON'T GIVE A CRAP HOW YOU LOST YOUR PRECIOUS FLOWER.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE FIRST TIME YOU DID

OR FELT SOMETHING THAT MOVED YOU OR RIPPED YOU APART.

DON'T THINK.

WHAT FIRST ABSOLUTELY DESTROYED YOU?

- THE FIRST TIME I SHOPPED RETAIL.

- THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.

- I KNOW WHY YOU DIDN'T WANT ME AT YOUR READING.

IT'S BECAUSE YOU READ A STORY ABOUT US DOING IT.

- NOTHING YOU HAVEN'T READ BEFORE.

JUST THE BLOG ENTRY ABOUT US IN THE CLOSET.

- I NEVER READ YOUR BLOG.

- WELL, THEN YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO HASN'T.

DO YOU WANT TO READ IT?

- I DON'T NEED TO.

WE SHARE THAT MEMORY, REMEMBER?

IT'S ALREADY IN MY HEAD.

- I HAD NO RIGHT TO BE OFFENDED

THAT HE HADN'T READ MY BLOG, BUT I WAS.

WHILE MATTY HAD NEVER SHOWN ANY INTEREST IN MY WRITING,

COLLIN-- A VIRTUAL STRANGER--

HAD GONE OUT OF HIS WAY TO HEAR THE UNPLUGGED VERSION.

- HENRY! STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM ME!

WHAT IS YOUR DEAL? UGH--WHOA!

JEEZ, WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

- THE WHERE IS NOT AS IMPORTANT AS THE WHO.

- OKAY, THEN WHO?

- FRED WU. - FRED WHO?

- FRED WU. - OH, FRED WU.

DOESN'T RING A BELL. - LET ME RING IT FOR YOU.

YOUR BEARD HAS BEEN SHAVED.

DING DING.

I KNEW IT WAS YOU. MING FEI YEN HUANG.

- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

- THE KISS OF DEATH! - [gasps]

BECCA FOUND OUT YOU'VE BEEN SEEING FRED?

- I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL EVER SEE YOU AGAIN,

SO IF I DON'T, JUST KNOW I LOVE YOU.

I'M SO DEAD.

- AND SO WAS MY MUSE,

OR AT LEAST SHE WAS TAKING THE NIGHT OFF.

WHILE THE REAL VERSION OF MY FIRST TIME WITH MATTY

HAD ALMOST WRITTEN ITSELF,

THE FANTASY VERSION WAS PLAYING HARD TO GET.

"THERE WERE A LOT OF THINGS I WANTED TO FORGET

"ABOUT MY 15th YEAR ON THE PLANET,

"BUT MY SUMMER AT CAMP POOKAH WASN'T ONE OF THEM.

[romantic pop music]

"THE FIRST TIME I WAS ALONE WITH MATTY MCKIBBEN,

A GOD AMONG BOYS, HE TOOK MY BREATH AWAY."

*

- * I CAN'T TAKE ANO-- *

[music stops]

"COLLIN HAD NOT ONLY INFILTRATED MY SEX LIFE,

"HE WAS MAKING GUEST APPEARANCES IN MY LITERARY ONE AS WELL.

"BUT THERE WAS NO WAY THAT DUDE WAS GONNA PLAY MY MUSE

"WHEN I HAD A PERFECTLY HOT BOYFRIEND TO GET THE JOB DONE.

"SO WHY WASN'T HE HOLDING UP HIS END OF THE BARGAIN?

"I HAD SPENT EVERY MINUTE OF THAT SUMMER

"DAYDREAMING ABOUT MATTY

BUT COULDN'T CONJURE UP A SINGLE FREAKIN' FANTASY."

*

- * OF BROKEN PLANS TO START A CRAZE *

* ALL THESE HALF-HEARTED ESSAYS *

- "THIS ASSIGNMENT BLOWS."

- * TIRED LINES THAT DON'T WORK OUT *

- THERE WAS ONLY ONE SUREFIRE WAY

TO COMBAT WRITER'S BLOCK:

IGNORE IT, TRUSTING THAT DAYLIGHT

WAS GOING TO BRING INSPIRATION.

- * STILL GLUED TO THE BACK NOW *

- YOU STILL WRITING THAT PAPER?

- "STILL WRITING" WOULD IMPLY THAT I'VE STARTED.

- SO TAKE A BREAK.

- I CAN'T UNTIL I START THIS DAMN THING.

- OH, I BET WE CAN GET IT STARTED.

HUH?

I CAN GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT.

- I WON'T BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE UNTIL I GET SOME WRITING DONE.

- YOU CALL ME IF YOU NEED INSPIRATION.

- I SEE YOU'RE ON THE WRITER'S DIET.

WHEN HE WROTE,

F. SCOTT FITZGERALD TOOK FUDGE AND COFFEE BREAKS.

- WELL, THEN THAT'S THE ONLY THING

FITZGERALD AND I HAVE IN COMMON,

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN STARING AT A BLANK PAGE FOR TWO DAYS.

- YOU WERE ON FIRE AT THE READING.

JUST TAKE WHAT YOU WROTE AND MAKE IT SEXY.

- I'M TRYING TO, BUT I CAN ONLY REMEMBER THE REAL THING.

THAT'S THE IMAGE THAT'S STUCK IN MY HEAD.

- SO LET IT GO.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

OR DON'T.

THINK BACK TO WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEFORE MATTY KISSED YOU,

OR THE FIRST TIME HE TOUCHED YOU.

[dreamy music]

BEFORE YOU KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM,

YOU HAD MEMORIZED HIS SMILE, THE COLOR OF HIS EYES,

HOW HE ALWAYS SMELLED OF CHLORINE AND SUNSCREEN--

OF SUMMER--AND WHEN HE FINALLY LOOKED AT YOU,

YOU COULD LIVE OFF THAT SMILE FOR A WEEK.

BUT NOTHING COULD COMPARE

TO THE FIRST TIME HE TOUCHED YOU.

IT WAS LIKE YOU WERE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE ON EARTH,

AND YOU COULDN'T STAND THE THOUGHT

OF EVER BEING AWAY FROM HIM AGAIN.

SEE?

[music stops abruptly]

YOU GOT THIS. [chuckles]

[dreamy music starts]

- "THE ESPRESSO MACHINE WHIRRED UNDER HIS VOICE,

"MAKING IT HARD TO HEAR WHAT COLLIN--

[music restarts]

"MAKING IT HARD TO HEAR WHAT HE WAS SAYING,

BUT THE WORDS DIDN'T MATTER, BECAUSE THEY WERE MEANT FOR ME."

- HEY.

HOW'S THE PAPER COMING?

- ALL DONE. TURNED IT IN YESTERDAY.

- AWESOME. - AND I'M GUESSING

YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THE NEW VERSION EITHER?

MATTY SAID HE WASN'T INTERESTED, SO WHY DID I HAVE

THIS OVERWHELMING URGE TO CONFESS?

AND WHAT WOULD I CONFESS?

I HAD A ONE-NIGHT STAND WITH THE PAGE?

- [whispering] MING.

- WE SHOULDN'T BE MEETING ON SCHOOL GROUNDS.

HELLO KITTY MIGHT SEE US. - WE'RE SAFE HERE.

THIS SANCTUARY'S TOO DIRTY FOR BECCA'S PORCELAIN SKIN.

- DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY. SHE KNOWS ABOUT US.

- IT'S THE LAST PIECE OF THE PUZZLE.

I KNEW THE BITCH HAD POWER.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SO FAR-REACHING.

- NOW WHAT DID SHE DO?

- THERE WAS A CHEATING SCANDAL AT MY NEW SCHOOL.

GUESS WHO WAS FRAMED FOR IT.

- BITCH!

- I'M BEING SENT TO IDAHO.

- IDAHO? NO!

- YES. - WHAT'S IN IDAHO?

- I DON'T KNOW, MING. I DON'T KNOW!

ACTUALLY, SOME COUSINS.

PROMISE ME YOU'LL BE CAREFUL.

- IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME TOO. BECCA GAVE ME THE JUDAS KISS.

- DAMN THAT BECCA. DAMN HER TO HELL!

- [whimpers]

- COME WITH ME.

- I'D RATHER TAKE MY CHANCES WITH BECCA THAN MOVE TO IDAHO.

- I'M A TRUANT, MING, A FELON,

LIVING OUTSIDE THE LAW.

IF I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN, YOU SHOULD KNOW...

I LOVE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU TOO.

- * WE WOULD FALL

* BUT NOT IN LOVE

*

- EVERYTHING WAS STATUS QUO.

MY PAPER WAS DONE, AND SO WAS MY LITERARY OBSESSION.

SOME WRITERS HAD TO DRINK OR DO DRUGS

TO GET THE JUICES FLOWING.

I GOT INSPIRATION FROM ANOTHER SOURCE.

- THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT PROBED BY ALIENS.

- WHAT? IT TOTALLY HAPPENED.

- OH, I HAVE NO DOUBT. WHAT I DON'T KNOW

IS WHAT TRANSPIRED FROM THE TIME THAT YOU SAW THE LIGHT

UNTIL AFTER YOU GOT PROBED.

EQUATING SHOPPING RETAIL TO PRISON RAPE.

WOW, THAT WAS A BIT MUCH,

BUT A MARKED IMPROVEMENT OVER YOUR OTHER PAPERS.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, SADIE.

OH, THIS IS GOOD.

"WHEN I CARELESSLY COVERED MY LIPS,

"BURNED RAW FROM THE SCALDING TEA,

"HE REACHED INTO HIS ICED MOCHA

"AND FISHED OUT A FEW PATHETIC CUBES,

"BUT IT WASN'T THE ICE HE USED TO NUMB MY PAIN.

"IT WAS HIS KISS.

THE FIRST KISS--"

I'D READ ON, BUT I DON'T WANT KYLE'S HEAD TO EXPLODE HERE.

MISS HAMILTON, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WRITE THE FANTASY.

- IT WAS MY TURN TO GET CALLED OUT.

MR. HART HAD A BUILT-IN B.S. DETECTOR.

HE KNEW IT WASN'T A REDO OF THE ORIGINAL.

- BUT THIS FEELS REAL.

MAYBE THE STORY WASN'T REAL, BUT THE CHEMISTRY YOU CREATED

BETWEEN THOSE TWO ARGUABLY PRECIOUS CHARACTERS

WAS PALPABLE.

- I WAS CONVINCED MY COLLIN OBSESSION

WASN'T A THREAT TO MY RELATIONSHIP,

BUT IF IT FELT REAL ON PAPER, MAYBE IT WAS REAL OFF OF IT.

- YOU'RE MAKING THE REST OF US LOOK BAD.

OH, YOU GOT AN EYELASH.

MAKE A WISH.

- I WISHED WHAT WAS HAPPENING WASN'T.

I HAD TAKEN ALL THE BLAME FOR THE SEXY MOVIES IN MY HEAD,

BUT IT TURNS OUT MY FANTASIES WEREN'T JUST ONE-SIDED.

COLLIN WAS EGGING IT ON.

HE WAS THE ONE WHO HAD OPENED UP PANDORA'S BOX, NOT ME.

I HAD NO IDEA WHO PANDORA WAS,

BUT HER BOX NEEDED TO STAY CLOSED

SO NOBODY ELSE'S BOX WOULD OPEN.

[bell ringing]

- WHAT'D YOU WISH FOR?

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- I THINK YOU DO. - NOPE.

- I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR STORY THAT OBVIOUSLY TOOK PLACE

AT THE COFFEEHOUSE,

THE LUST, THE EYELASH BLOWING.

THAT PAPER WASN'T ABOUT YOUR FIRST TIME WITH MATTY.

IT WAS ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT YOUR FIRST TIME WITH COLLIN TO BE.

- IT'S FICTION. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

- I NEVER SAID YOU DID.

BUT NOW I KNOW YOU WANTED TO.

AND I'M GOING TO TELL.

- WHO ARE YOU GONNA TELL? - WHO DO YOU THINK?

- DON'T TELL. - OH, I'M GOING TO.

- I'M GONNA GET THERE FIRST. - I DOUBT IT.

I HAVE LONGER LEGS.

- WHAT IS GOING ON?

- JENNA HAS SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

- WHAT IS IT? - I, UH...

GOT AN "A" ON MY PAPER.

MM!

YEAH!

- WEIRD.

- I'M WORRIED THIS COLLIN THING MIGHT BE MORE

THAN JUST A FANTASY.

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE ACTUAL FEELINGS FOR HIM.

- DON'T PUT THOSE THOUGHTS OUT IN THE UNIVERSE.

LAST TIME I DID THAT, A GUY ENDED UP DEAD.

WAIT, YOU DON'T WANT TO ACT ON THOSE FEELINGS, DO YOU?

PLEASE SAY NO.

- NO?

- YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED.

WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SABOTAGE IT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

- A FANTASY IS JUST THAT.

AND IT'S NEVER AS GOOD AS THE REALITY.

NIALL FROM ONE DIRECTION AND I ARE SOUL MATES,

AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME.

MY AUTOGRAPHED PIC OF HIM,

THE ONE OF HIM STANDING ON THE DIVING BOARD IN A TUX,

I BET HE DIDN'T EVEN SIGN IT.

MY POINT IS, YOU NEED TO END THIS FLIRTATIONSHIP

Y'ASAP.

"YESTERDAY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE."

JENNA, YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS A HOUSE OF CARDS.

DON'T OPEN THE DOOR FOR A BREEZE.

- I AM NOT THE ONE OPENING THE DOOR.

COLLIN IS. HE'S THE ONE SQUEEZING MY ARM

AND PULLING EYELASHES OFF OF MY FACE.

- YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HIM.

- MATTY? - NO, COLLIN.

- HE IS NOT A CHEATER.

- WHO? - MATTY.

- NO, FRED. - FRED WHO?

- FRED WU.

HE'S GOING AWAY FOR GOOD, THANKS TO BECCA.

IF IT TAKES THE REST OF MY LIFE,

I AM GOING TO TAKE THAT [bleep] DOWN.

[dramatic music]

[growls]

*

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID,

AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY WITH IT.

- WHAT'S WRONG, MING MING?

- YOU HAD FRED'S HOUSE REDISTRICTED

SO HE HAD TO TRANSFER SCHOOLS,

AND THEN YOU FRAMED HIM

SO HE HAS TO LEAVE THE STATE!

- IF THIS WAS A CHESS GAME, AND IT IS,

I'M THE GRANDMASTER,

AND I JUST OPENED WITH A SVESHNIKOV SICILIAN.

REALITY IS, MING FEI YEN HUANG,

I WILL ALWAYS BE FIVE MOVES AHEAD OF YOU,

AND YOU WILL ALWAYS GET CRUSHED.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

IN FACT, YOU'VE BEEN RIGHT ABOUT ME ALL ALONG.

I'M NOT ASIAN. I'M WHITE.

AND YOU KNOW HOW A WHITE BITCH DEALS WITH AN ASIAN BITCH?

SHE GETS IN HER FACE.

- OOF!

[crowd gasps]

- GOOD-BYE, KITTY!

- PUSHED TO HER LIMIT,

MING HAD FINALLY GONE FULL-ON BANANA PANTS.

AND IT WAS INSPIRING.

MAYBE I NEEDED TO HANDLE MY PROBLEMS

LIKE A WHITE BITCH TOO.

IT'S NOT THAT I PLANNED TO PUNCH COLLIN.

I JUST WANTED TO GIVE HIS CRUSH

A SERIOUS BEAT-DOWN.

AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE PROTESTED,

I WAS GOING TO PUT AN END TO THE FLIRTATIONSHIP

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

[pop music]

- * AS I LAY IN THERE

* IN THE SHADOWS

- WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE MUCH EASIER THAN I THOUGHT

BECAUSE IT WAS ALL IN MY HEAD.

- "WHILE GUILT HAD BEEN THE FRONTRUNNER OF MY EMOTIONS,

"IT WAS FORCED TO TAKE A BACKSEAT TO REJECTION,

"WITH ANGER IN HOT PURSUIT.

"I WAS MAD AT MYSELF FOR FEELING REJECTED,

"WHICH BROUGHT ME RIGHT BACK TO GUILT

FOR HAVING THOSE FEELINGS IN THE FIRST PLACE."

[knock at door]

- WHY WAS THIS PAPER IN THE TRASH?

AND WHY ARE YOU IN BED AT 7:00?

- BECAUSE I'M TIRED.

- ARE WE HAVING A FAMILY MEETING?

- NO. - OH, IT'S OKAY, JENNA.

WE CAN HAVE ONE WITHOUT YOU.

LACE, I AM SO PROUD OF OUR DAUGHTER.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

- NOT ONLY HAVE I SEEN IT, I'VE READ IT.

I DUG IT OUT OF THE TRASH,

AND YOUR PAPER IS AWESOME.

- NO, IT'S NOT.

IT'S DISGUSTING AND DESPICABLE

AND ALMOST RUINED MY LIFE.

- BUT YOU GOT AN "A." - I DESERVED AN "F."

THE PAPER WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT MATTY, BUT IT--

IT WAS ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE.

- COLLIN? - MOM!

- WHO'S THAT?

- THIS BOY SHE HAS A CRUSH ON.

- THERE'S NO CRIME

IN HAVING A CRUSH, JENNA.

- HE'S RIGHT.

THE FANTASY HELPS SUSTAIN THE REALITY.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR FATHER AND I WOULD BE

WITHOUT OUR CELEBRITY SANDWICHES.

- YOUR WHAT? - THE TOP TWO FAMOUS PEOPLE

WE'D LIKE TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF.

- MY BREAD IS CLIVE OWEN AND RYAN GOSLING,

AND YOUR FATHER'S IS CHARLIZE THERON

AND KRISTIN SCOTT THOMAS,

WHO YOU MIGHT WANT TO TRADE IN.

SHE'S GETTING UP THERE.

- WOULD YOU RATHER ME BEING INTO SOMEONE JENNA'S AGE?

- GOOD POINT. - MM.

- DOES THAT MEAN YOU'LL STILL BE INTO ME

WHEN MY BOOBS HIT THE FLOOR?

- THOSE THINGS AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE.

AND I'LL ALWAYS BE INTO YOU, WOMAN.

MM. - OKAY.

FAMILY MEETING OVER. NOT IN MY BED.

NOT IN MY BED. NOT IN MY BED. NO.

- [giggling]

- "APART FROM THE TRAUMA OF BEING EXPOSED

"TO MY PARENTS' MAKE-OUT SESH AND CELEBRITY SUBS,

"I HAD TO ADMIT, I FELT RELIEVED.

"AND NORMAL.

"EVEN WITH OLD MARRIED COUPLES,

HAVING FANTASIES WAS A GIVEN."

- SO I THOUGHT THAT WE COULD GO OUT TONIGHT,

NOW THAT YOU'RE ALL DONE WRITING.

- I HAD EXONERATED MYSELF,

CLEARED MY NAME OF ANY CRIMES OF MENTAL PASSION.

BUT IT DIDN'T MEAN SADIE WOULD.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- UH, IT'S GIRL SIGNAL

FOR "YOUR MASCARA'S RUNNING."

OH, GOTTA GO. BETTER FIX IT. BYE.

- ARE YOU TERRORIZING MY GIRLFRIEND?

- NO, JUST SAVORING THE EROTIC WRITTEN WORD.

YOU'VE READ JENNA'S PAPER, RIGHT?

- NO. - INTERESTING!

I WONDER WHY THAT IS.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO START HERE, SADE,

BUT LEAVE JENNA ALONE, OKAY?

- IF YOU HAD READ THE PAPER, YOU WOULD KNOW

THAT I'M NOT THE ONE YOU SHOULD BE LASHING OUT AT.

- THE RUMORS HAVE BEEN SWIRLING

ABOUT YESTERDAY'S FIGHT,

BUT I WANTED TO HEAR IT FROM THE HORSE'S MOUTH.

IN DETAIL.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE HAD A GOOD BITCH BRAWL.

- EVEN THOUGHT FIGHTING ON SCHOOL GROUNDS

IS PUNISHABLE BY EXPULSION

AND A LONG STINT IN JUVEY,

SHE CHOSE TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE,

UNPROVOKED.

MY DOCTOR SAYS I HAVE A DETACHED RETINA.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE A NOTE, MS. MARKS?

- NAH, I ONLY READ ON MY KINDLE NOW.

- SHE'S LYING.

FOR THE PAST SEVERAL MONTHS,

SHE HAS MADE IT HER PERSONAL MISSION

TO RUIN MY LIFE.

- POOR THING'S SUFFERING FROM DEMENTIA.

I'M A QUIET GIRL FROM A NICE ASIAN FAMILY.

I DON'T EVEN OWN A PAIR OF HIGH HEELS

OR A CELLULAR PHONE.

- CELL. NO ONE SAYS "CELLULAR".

- SHE DOESN'T NEED A CELL PHONE.

SHE HAS TELEPATHIC POWERS.

- SOUNDS LIKE YOU THINK BECCA'S MAGIC.

YOU CALLING HER A WITCH?

- AMONG OTHER THINGS. - [whimpers]

THAT HURTS MY HEART. [sniffles]

- JUST GO AHEAD AND EXPEL ME.

BUST OUT THE PAPERWORK. I'LL SIGN IT.

- WHY? I HAVE 32 NOTARIZED AFFIDAVITS

SWEARING BECCA WALKED INTO A DOOR.

[dramatic drum roll]

[heroic music]

*

- [screams]

- I THOUGHT YOU'D BE THE ONE WHO WAS IN TROUBLE, MING.

- SO DID I!

- MING DIDN'T HAVE TO LOOK OVER HER SHOULDER ANYMORE,

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO LOOK OVER MINE.

YOU NEED TO READ THIS.

- YOU SURE? - "I WAS RELIEVED.

"FOR ABOUT 30 MINUTES.

"AND IT HAD BEEN THREE HOURS SINCE I GAVE MATTY MY PAPER.

"SURE, HE WAS A SLOW READER, BUT NOT THAT SLOW.

"IT WAS FINE.

"THERE WERE NO NAMES, NO SPECIFICS,

"AND NO WAY ANYONE COULD FIGURE OUT

"IT WAS ABOUT COLLIN.

MATTY WOULD NEVER KNOW." [phone vibrates]

[beep] HI.

- I READ YOUR PAPER.

YOU NEED TO COME OVER. NOW.

- HE KNOWS.

[ominous music]

- YOUR PAPER. - I KNOW IT WAS UNSETTLING,

BUT IT WASN'T REAL.

IT WAS JUST A MOMENTARY...

LAPSE IN JUDGMENT.

- IT WAS HOT.

I KNOW IT DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN THAT WAY.

BUT IT CAN.

- IT DIDN'T MATTER THAT MY STORY WAS ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE

BECAUSE MY FANTASY HAD JUMPED OFF THE PAGE.

MATTY MCKIBBEN WAS THE REAL DEAL.

AND FINALLY, I COULD GET BACK TO MY BASICS...

AND ONLY IMAGINE HIM.

- NEXT ON AWKWARD... COLLIN INVITED US

TO A PARTY FOR THAT PHOTOGRAPHER WE LIKED

AT HIS GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE.

- BUT FRIDAY'S THE JULIES' ANNUAL BLACK FRIDAY PARTY.

- YOU'RE THROWING A PARTY WITH THE JULIES?

I'M SORRY. YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M BEING SELFISH.

- YOU'RE 16.

IF THERE'S EVER A TIME TO BE SELFISH, IT'S NOW.

- WHERE'S JENNA? - GOOD QUESTION.

- PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE.

- I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.