Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD... - THE TAPE IS GOING PUBLIC?

- THAT FOOTAGE COULD SURFACE ANY MINUTE,

SO WE CAN TELL JAKE,

OR HE CAN SEE IT WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD.

- JENNA WAS IN LOVE WITH THIS OTHER GUY.

- I DON'T WANNA KEEP SECRETS FROM JAKE.

I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH THAT OTHER GUY ANYMORE.

MOM, DO YOU WANNA TELL HIM? - I WROTE THAT LETTER TO JENNA.

- GOOD MORNING, PALOS HILLERS, DON'T FORGET THE ASSEMBLY

IN THE SCHOOL GYM THIS MORNING.

- IN MY ROLE AS PART OF A NEWSOME TWOSOME,

I WAS LEARNING THAT SOMETIMES I HAD TO BE LED...

- ROSATI.

- AND SOMETIMES I HAD TO TAKE THE LEAD.

RELATIONSHIPS WERE ALL ABOUT COMPROMISE...

AND RESTRAINT.

I WAS TRYING TO THROW MYSELF INTO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH JAKE

WITHOUT BEING THE CLINGY GIRLFRIEND OF HIS PAST.

BUT LIKE A UNIBOOB IN A SPORTS BRA,

I WAS THE ONE BEING CONFINED... BY MY EX.

HE JUST COULDN'T ACCEPT REJECTION.

[siren wails]

- HOLLA!

V.P. MARKS IS IN THE HOUSE!

HEY, YOUR GRANDPA CALLED. HE WANTS HIS SHIRT BACK.

YO, SHORTY, WHY DON'T YOU TRY GROWING A FEW INCHES?

HEY, VAL, WHY'D YOU GET YOUR HAIR CUT?

IT LOOKS STUPID.

BULLYING IS NO LAUGHING MATTER.

I WANNA THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TO THIS REQUIRED ASSEMBLY.

I AM PUMPED TO KICK OFF ANTI-BULLY AWARENESS WEEK,

WHICH CULMINATES WITH OUR 5K ON FRIDAY.

ANYONE ACTING LIKE A BULLY THIS WEEK

WILL RECEIVE A SCARLET "B"

AND REPORT TO MY OFFICE FOR SOME SERIOUS V.P. DISCIPLINE.

IT STANDS FOR VICE PRINCIPAL,

MY NEW POSITION, WHICH IS NO JOKE.

AND NEITHER IS DANCING FOR A CAUSE.

PLEASE WELCOME PALOS HILLS CHOREO CLUB: ZEUS TROUPE.

[cheers and applause]

- WHOO, GO, T.!

- [whistles]

- WAY TO SHOW OFF THE HONEY POT, LADIES.

[hip-hop music]

*

- RICKY!

RICKY, YOU ARE A SCUM DUMPSTER!

I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! LET'S TAKE IT OUTSIDE!

RICKY, I SWEAR!

LET'S TAKE IT OUTSIDE!

RICKY! LET'S TAKE IT OUTSIDE!

- AND MATTY WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO COULDN'T LET GO.

- HOW DOES THAT RICKY SCHWARTZ GUY PULL SO MUCH TAIL?

- GIRLS ARE INTO CHEESE. - NO, HE'S JUST RELENTLESS.

LIKE MATTY, MY LIFE HAD BECOME A SERIES OF NEW COMPLICATIONS.

- LUNCH OFF CAMPUS? - YEAH, GOOD WITH ME. JENNA?

- MY BOYFRIEND'S BOY FRIEND WAS MY SECRET EX,

AND I WASN'T SURE HOW TO REMOVE THE THIRD WHEEL

FROM MY RELATIONSHIP.

GREAT!

- COOL. SEE YOU LATER.

- MATTY'S BEEN ACTING WEIRD LATELY. HAVE YOU NOTICED?

- IT WAS HARD NOT TO. MATTY WAS ALWAYS AROUND.

- DO YOU THINK HE'S DEPRESSED?

YEAH. IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING.

BUT YOU'RE SOMETHING: ADORABLE.

- OH, NOW I'M WORRIED ABOUT MATTY.

- DON'T. HE'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

- MATTY'S MY PROBLEM.

HE'S DEPRESSED, AND IT'S MY FAULT.

I CHOSE JAKE, AND NOW WE CAN'T BE ALONE

WITHOUT MATTY TAGGING ALONG TRYING TO TEMPT ME.

THE WHOLE SITUATION IS WEIRD.

- GET OVER YOU. HE'S NOT TRYING TO TEMP YOU.

HE PROBABLY FEELS LIKE THE BBF.

BACKBURNER FRIEND. AND I CAN RELATE.

EVER SINCE YOU FOUND JAKE

AND MING JOINED THE MAFIA, I'VE BEEN--

- I DIDN'T PUT YOU ON THE BACKBURNER.

- YOU'VE BEEN SO SARAN-WRAPPED AROUND JAKE,

YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE IT.

- I'M NOT CLINGY. MATTY IS.

- DO YOU WANT ME TO BE THE BBF?

BECAUSE I CAN DO THAT AND TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR.

- NO, I WANT THE BFF TREATMENT.

- HERE IT IS: NOBODY LIKES A CLING-ON.

INCLUDING MY PANINI.

THAT'S RIGHT, I HAVE CAMEL TOE.

SOAK IT IN.

- LOOKS LIKE YOUR UNITARD

IS ALREADY DOING THE JOB.

- AS TAMARA PREPARED TO OWN UP TO HER BEHAVIOR,

I WAS LEFT TO PROCESS MINE.

WAS I UNINTENTIONALLY BEING CRUEL TO MATTY

BY CLINGING ON TO JAKE?

- [sighs] GIVE ME SOME SPACE!

- TAMARA, THIS IS MRS. KAREY.

SHE'S OUR NEW GUIDANCE COUNSELOR, IN TRAINING.

YOU SHOULD FEEL COMFORTABLE OPENING UP TO HER,

BUT NOT SO OPEN THAT YOU FEEL EXPOSED

BECAUSE MRS. KAREY HASN'T BEEN FULLY VETTED JUST YET.

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT'S HER REAL NAME.

SO, TAMARA, CLEARLY YOU HAVE SOME ISSUES

RELATING TO MR. RICHARD SCHWARTZ.

- YES. RICKY'S A PIECE OF [bleep].

- SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE ANGRY.

- THAT IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

THE PIG WAS PUBLICALLY DEEP-THROATING SOME SKANKSTER.

I BELIEVE MY RESPONSE WAS APPROPRIATE.

- ANGER IS NOT THE ANSWER.

SOMETIMES WE NEED A GENTLE REMINDER TO NOT LET

OTHER PEOPLE GET THE BETTER OF US.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR.

- I WENT FULL-METAL SEQUINS IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL.

DON'T YOU THINK THE EMBARRASSMENT OF MY OUTBURST

IS PUNISHMENT ENOUGH?

- YES. AND IT'S GONNA TAKE UNTIL THE NEXT PUBLIC NIP SLIP

FOR YOU TO LIVE IT DOWN.

BUT I HAVE AN EXAMPLE TO SET.

IN MY NEW ROLE...

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR DISCIPLINARY ACTION.

WHICH IS NONE OF MRS. KAREY'S BUSINESS,

SO I'M GONNA WRITE IT DOWN.

[scoffs]

YOU'LL PAY ME 20 BUCKS?

- I CAN MAYBE GET 30 BY THE END OF THE DAY.

- THAT WOULD BE A BRIBE,

WHICH WOULD BE WRONG TO TAKE IN EITHER ROLE.

IT'S ILLEGAL...AND NOT NEARLY ENOUGH MONEY.

TAMARA, YOU WILL BE VOLUNTEERING FOR THE 5K RUN/WALK

BECAUSE YOU ACTED LIKE A BULLY, AND YOU NEED TO RUN IT OFF.

I SHOULD SUSPEND HER.

IT'S A LOT OF PAPERWORK.

- HI, I'M A BULLY WORKING ON LETTING GO OF MY ANGER.

PLEASE SIGN UP FOR THE 5K

TO HELP PUT KIDS LIKE ME IN MY PLACE.

- YOU HAVE TO READ THAT? - YEAH.

EVERY DAY AT LUNCH.

- HEY, HAMILTON, YOU COMING TO LUNCH?

- DO YOU WANT ME TO STAY AND HELP?

I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE A BACKBURNER FRIEND.

- I WOULD ONLY RELEGATE A BBF TO WORKING THIS LAME EVENT.

PLUS MING CAN GET ME, LIKE,

200 SIGNATURES WITH HER MAFIA CONNECTIONS,

SO YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK. - THANKS, T.

- BUT, AS YOUR BFF, I MUST REMIND YOU,

BE KIND.

DON'T RUB YOUR NEW ROMANCE IN MATTY'S FACE.

NOBODY LIKES A RICKY.

- I'M NOT A RICKY.

I DIDN'T WANNA RUB MY RELATIONSHIP

OR ANYTHING ELSE IN MATTY'S FACE.

AND TO PROVE MY POINT, I TOOK THE BACK SEAT...

[alternative music]

*

I SHARED MY BETTER HALF...

*

AND I GAVE UP CONTROL.

I WAS CRAMPED, HUNGRY, AND HOT...IN THE WRONG WAY.

IN MY ATTEMPT TO SPARE MATTY'S FEELINGS,

I HAD SACRIFICED MINE.

MY MENAGE A TROIS HAD BECOME A MENAGE A FAUX PAS.

I WAS BEING CONSTANTLY REMINDED

OF MY LINGERING ATTRACTION TO MATTY.

BUT THANKFULLY, THREE WAS A MAGIC NUMBER AT HOME

ON A GOOD DAY.

SO DAD'S WORKING LATE... AGAIN.

- HE'S JUST BEEN TRYING TO GET AHEAD OF HIS CRAZY WORKLOAD.

- MY MOM COULD MAKE EXCUSES ALL NIGHT,

BUT I KNEW THE TRUTH.

EVER SINCE MY DAD FOUND OUT THAT SHE

WAS BEHIND THE CAREFRONTATION, HE HAD BEEN AVOIDING HER.

AND BY AVOIDING HER, I WAS GETTING THE RESIDUAL SHAFT TOO.

- I THINK HE NEEDS TO RELAX, TAKE THE STRESS OFF,

WHICH IS WHY I GOT HIM A SPECIAL SURPRISE.

- YOU BOUGHT DAD A HOT TUB?

- IT'S FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY TO ENJOY.

- A HOT TUB EQUALED ONE THING: DESPERATION.

MY MOM WAS DESPERATE FOR MY FATHER'S ATTENTION,

AND HER SECRET WEAPON ALWAYS INVOLVED

LESS CLOTHING AND MORE SKIN.

[phone rings]

- HELLO?

- I'M SIGNING YOUR PARENTS UP FOR THE 5K.

IS THAT COOL? - IS THAT YOUR DAD?

- IT'S TAMARA, SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'LL RUN

THE 5K AGAINST BULLIES ON FRIDAY.

- I DON'T LIKE TO SWEAT IN PUBLIC,

BUT I'LL BE HAPPY TO MAKE A DONATION.

- OH, IT'S SO HARD TO GET PEOPLE EXCITED ABOUT RUNNING.

HOW WAS LUNCH? - MATTY TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF

WHILE PLAYING A VIDEO GAME. WHO DOES THAT?

- YOU KNOW, I HATE TO ADMIT THIS,

BUT MATTY MIGHT BE TRYING TO HOMEWRECK YOU.

AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE RIGHT NOW,

I'M PLOTTING TO WRECK RICKY.

- NO, MATTY'S NOT THAT KIND OF GUY.

- MAYBE, MAYBE NOT.

REJECTION BRINGS OUT THE DARK SIDE.

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.

I AM FULLY AWARE THAT I'M A LOOSE CANNON RIGHT NOW,

AND MATTY MIGHT BE TOO.

- THERE'S NO WAY HE'S TRYING TO OVERTLY HURT MY RELATIONSHIP.

JAKE'S HIS BEST FRIEND.

- WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT PAY ATTENTION.

WHEN ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITH HOTTIE ROSATI AGAIN?

- TONIGHT, HE'S COMING OVER TO WATCH A MOVIE.

- OR GET IN THE HOT TUB! - OR GET IN THE HOT TUB.

- HOT TUB? WHEN DID YOU GET A HOT TUB?

- WHEN MY MOM GOT DESPERATE. - I HEARD THAT.

- MY PARENTS ARE FIGHTING.

- WELL, IF MATTY ENDS UP SITTING

ACROSS FROM YOU IN IT, THEN YOU'LL KNOW.

- KNOW WHAT?

- THAT HE'S TRYING TO SABOTAGE YOU.

- IF THERE'S ONE THING MATTY'S NOT, IT'S A SABOTEUR.

THERE'S NO WAY HE'S GONNA WIND UP IN MY HOT TUB.

- LET'S CRANK UP THE HEAT!

- WE DIDN'T NEED TO. I WAS ALREADY BOILING.

SORRY, I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO WATCH A MOVIE.

HE INVITED HIMSELF.

- IT WAS CLEAR MATTY WASN'T JUST CLINGING ON TO ME.

HE WAS CLINGING ON TO JAKE.

BECAUSE IF HE COULDN'T HAVE ME, HE DIDN'T WANT JAKE TO EITHER.

IT WAS TEXTBOOK SABOTAGE.

- DUDE, DID YOU PEE? - NO.

I DID NOT PEE.

- JENNA, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

- GLADLY.

WHY ARE YOU SNEAKING IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR?

- I WASN'T SNEAKING.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO AVOID YOUR MOM.

- THAT'S SNEAKING.

- HOLD UP, WHO'S THE DAD HERE?

WHEN DID WE GET A HOT TUB, AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN IT

WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND AND YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND?

- SECRET EX-BOYFRIEND, AND THE TITLE'S DEBATABLE.

WE NEVER FULLY DTR'D.

- JENNA, SPARE ME THE DETAILS. I DON'T WANNA KNOW THEM.

WHAT I DO WANNA KNOW IS WHY WE HAVE A HOT TUB.

- IT WAS MOM'S IDEA, AND SHE SUGGESTED WE USE IT.

- WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOUR MOM?

- BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN M.I.A.

SO CAN YOU PLEASE STICK AROUND

AND HELP ME GET MATTY OUT OF HERE?

- SO YOU CAN BE ALONE WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND?

NO.

BUT I WILL DO YOU ONE BETTER.

- DID SOMEONE JUST PEE?

- THAT WOULD BE ME.

[pop music]

*

- OH!

- IT'S GETTING LATE. - OKAY.

- YEAH, AND I'M HIS RIDE. THANKS FOR THE INVITE.

THANKS FOR HAVING US.

*

- YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BOUGHT OUR DAUGHTER A SEX SWING.

TAKE IT BACK.

[bell rings]

- T., YOU WERE RIGHT.

MATTY'S TOTALLY TRYING TO HOMEWRECK MY RELATIONSHIP,

AND IT'S WORKING.

I HAVEN'T HAD A MOMENT ALONE WITH JAKE IN OVER A WEEK.

- I KNEW IT.

IT TAKES A SABOTEUR TO KNOW A SABOTEUR.

ALTHOUGH MATTY'S A LITTLE MORE AMATEUR HOUR THAN I AM.

HI, I'M A BULLY WHO NEEDS TO WORK ON HER ANGER.

SIGN HERE IF YOU THINK RICKY SCHWARTZ IS A DOUCHE.

- WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT PERSONAL SPACE?

TAMARA, THIS IS SCHOOL OUTREACH, NOT SCHOOL OUTRAGE.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SIGNING PEOPLE UP FOR THE 5K,

NOT "RICKY SCHWARTZ CAN KISS MY ASS."

- I'M DOING A PUBLIC SERVICE. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE OUTRAGED.

- RICKY SCHWARTZ USED ME FOR RIDES AT BAND PRACTICE,

AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE CHAIR.

- RICKY SCHWARTZ CALLED US ALL BEAUTIFUL,

SO WE WOULD CUP HIS BALLS.

- RICKY SCHWARTZ SAID I'D LOOK SEXY WITH BANGS.

I DON'T.

- YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP THIS.

SUSPENSION PAPERWORK IS NO JOKE.

I HAVE TO FILL OUT THE FRONT AND THE BACK.

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SHADOWING ME!

NOT OVERSHADOWING ME!

- YOU ARE SUCH A NOVICE. PAPER LEAVES A TRAIL.

START AN ANONYMOUS TWITTER CAMPAIGN.

YOU'VE GOTTA GO BIG OR GO HOME. - WHICH SHOULD BE YOUR MOTTO.

YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON WE'RE HAVING THIS EVENT.

IT SHOULD BE CALLED THE SADIE SAXTON WALK/RUN,

AND YOU COULD SURE USE THE CARDIO.

- SHE DIDN'T MEAN THAT. - OH, YES, SHE DID.

AND NORMALLY, I WOULD RIP HER TO SHREDS,

BUT SHE'S ANGRY, AND I GET IT.

PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU TO LET GO OF YOUR ANGER,

BUT ANGER CAN BE A GREAT MOTIVATOR.

IF YOU WANNA SABOTAGE SOMEONE, YOU HAVE TO BE SMART.

FIND OUT WHAT THEIR ACHILLES HEEL IS, AND CUT INTO IT.

YOU'RE A PRO AT CUTTING. [laughs]

YOU CAN SHOW HER.

NOW WATCH THE MASTER WORK. TAKE LISSA.

SOME WOULD SAY SHE REJECTED ME,

BUT I WOULD SAY SHE DOESN'T WANNA BE REPLACED.

YOU ARE SO PRETTY, WE SHOULD

TOTALLY HANG OUT ON MY DAD'S BOAT.

- REALLY? - NO. BUT WATCH.

LISSA WILL BE TURNING AROUND TO LOOK AT US

IN THREE...TWO...ONE.

- BITCH HAD A POINT.

MATTY DIDN'T WANT ME TO REPLACE HIM.

SO IF I WAS GOING TO GET HIM TO BACK DOWN,

I WOULD HAVE TO ENGAGE IN MAJOR DISPLAY OF PDA,

AND I WOULD DO IT BY...

[pop music]

TAKING THE FRONT SEAT...

NOT SHARING MY BETTER HALF...

*

AND REGAINING CONTROL.

*

- I THINK I'M GONNA HEAD OUT. - BYE.

- YEAH, I'LL CALL YOU LATER, MAN.

- I FINALLY BEAT MATTY AT HIS OWN GAME.

SADIE WAS RIGHT. ANGER WAS A GREAT MOTIVATOR.

- YOU'VE BEEN REALLY AFFECTIONATE LATELY.

- YOU BRING IT OUT IN ME.

- YEAH, I--I OFTEN DRIVE WOMEN WILD WITH DESIRE.

AND WHILE I'M REALLY LOVING WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE,

UM, UH, I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON.

IT'S MATTY.

I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HIM. - NO, NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

- IT'S OKAY.

HE CAN BE REALLY STANDOFFISH AT FIRST,

BUT ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW HIM LIKE I KNOW HIM,

YOU'LL LOVE HIM.

- THAT WAS THE PROBLEM.

IF JAKE KNEW JUST HOW WELL I KNEW MATTY, HE WOULDN'T LOVE ME.

- I LOVE YOU. I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

I'M JUST GONNA STAY AT YOUR GRANDPARENTS' FOR A FEW DAYS.

- YOU'RE JUST GONNA SIT THERE AND LET HIM LEAVE?

- HE JUST NEEDS A LITTLE SPACE.

- EVERYONE COULD USE A LITTLE SPACE.

- EVERYONE BUT ME.

WHILE I DIDN'T LIKE BEING SUFFOCATED IN MY RELATIONSHIP,

I COULD HAVE USED A LITTLE LESS OXYGEN AT HOME.

- SEE, THIS IS WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF.

YOU'RE PUTTING JENNA IN THE MIDDLE.

- LACEY, YOU PUT HER THERE. - NO, I MADE A MISTAKE.

YOU ALWAYS SAID MY ABILITY TO TAKE RISKS

WAS WHAT YOU LOVE MOST ABOUT ME.

- THIS ISN'T ABOUT GETTING A BUTTERFLY TATTOO.

YOU ALMOST RUINED OUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE.

- MY LIFE ISN'T RUINED.

I'M FINE.

BUT YOU'LL RUIN IT IF YOU LEAVE ME ALONE WITH A BULLY.

GOD.

NO ONE GETS TO ESCAPE IF I DON'T.

DON'T WORRY! I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS

A FEW TIMES WITH MY PARENTS,

AND THE FIRST SEPARATION NEVER TAKES.

IF HE WAS REALLY LEAVING,

THERE WOULD BE SOME SORT OF GRAND GESTURE.

MY PARENTS TOOK ME TO DISNEY WORLD.

IF YOU GET A CAR, THEN THEY'RE GETTING A DIVORCE.

- I WISH I COULD GET MATTY A CAR,

SO JAKE AND I COULD DIVORCE HIM.

- KEEP THE CAR.

USE IT TO RUN HIM OVER.

- TAMARA WAS ON TO SOMETHING,

BUT MAYBE THERE WAS AN EASIER WAY

TO GET MATTY OUT OF MY HAIR.

ONE THAT WOULDN'T GIVE ME 50 TO LIFE.

HEY, WE NEED TO TALK. - YEAH, WE DO.

- APPARENTLY HE WAS UP TO SPEED

ON THE INTENT OF THOSE FOUR WORDS,

SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO WASTE TIME WITH GENTLE PLEASANTRIES.

I COULD GO AGGRO.

WOULD YOU PLEASE BUTT OUT OF MY RELATIONSHIP

AND STOP TRYING TO SEDUCE ME?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - THE WINKS.

THE "ACCIDENTAL" TOUCHING.

NUDING UP EVERY CHANCE YOU GET.

YOU HAVE NICE ABS, I GET IT.

- YOU THINK I'M TRYING TO LURE YOU AWAY FROM JAKE?

- YES! - YOU'RE CRAZY.

LIKE I WANNA HANG OUT WITH YOU GUYS?

NO, NO, JAKE WANTS ME TO.

I AM TRYING TO MAKE IT AS NORMAL AS POSSIBLE,

BUT IT IS HARD WITH YOU ALWAYS BEING SO...

- DON'T SAY IT. - CLINGY.

- I AM NOT CLINGY.

YOU'RE THE CLING-ON. - HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU,

BUT THE ONLY NEW VARIABLE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP IS YOU.

I'VE BEEN HANGING WITH JAKE SINCE I WAS TEN.

- DON'T WALK AWAY FROM ME! - JUST TRYING TO BE FRIENDS.

- WE WERE NEVER FRIENDS!

- THERE WILL BE NO YELLING IN THIS HALLWAY!

YOU'RE STILL MY GIRL. SEE YOU AT THE 5K.

- COULD IT BE THAT THE PERSON SABOTAGING MY RELATIONSHIP

WITH JAKE WAS ME?

IF MATTY WAS TELLING THE TRUTH,

THEN MATTY WASN'T THE THIRD WHEEL, I WAS.

- COME ON, LADIES.

IT'LL BE THE BEST THREESOME OF YOUR LIFE.

GIRL ON GIRL ON RICKY.

- OKAY, THAT WON'T HELP.

ALL OF YOUR EFFORTS TO BULLY HIM HAVE BACKFIRED.

YOU'VE ONLY MADE HIM MORE POPULAR.

- HEY!

THANKS FOR THE ADVICE, BUT IT SUCKED BALLS.

IT DIDN'T WORK.

- SAYS WHO?

- SON OF A BITCH, YOU PLAYED ME!

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

[pop music]

*

- HEY!

WHAT IS WITH THE HOOKER SHOES AROUND THE KIDS?

THIS IS A TRACK, NOT A STRIPPER POLE!

YOU'RE FIRED!

*

- THIS IS ADULT BUSINESS, OKAY?

YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND... IT.

- HEY. - HI.

- MATTY TOLD ME THAT YOU GUYS TALKED.

- WHAT DID HE SAY?

- THAT YOU AND I MIGHT NEED

TO SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER.

ALONE.

SO LET'S HANG TONIGHT.

FEEL FREE TO BRING

MORE OF THAT "CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF JAKE" ACTION.

- MM, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD,

BUT TAMARA AND I ARE BULLIES IN NEED

OF A SERIOUS ATTITUDE MAKEOVER

THAT ONLY FROZEN YOGURT CAN PROVIDE.

SO YOU HANG OUT WITH MATTY TONIGHT WITHOUT ME.

YOU DON'T NEED A CLINGY GIRLFRIEND,

AND I DON'T NEED TO BE ONE.

- MAYBE I LIKE BEING CLUNG TO.

- HEY, YOU WANNA WALK THIS THING OR WHAT?

- NOT REALLY. WE'RE OFF THE HOOK.

- OH, THANK GOD.

PIZZA? - YEAH.

I'M GONNA CHANGE, I'LL MEET YOU IN THE PARKING LOT.

- MWAH.

I'M SORRY FOR ACTING CRAZY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO SABOTAGE MY RELATIONSHIP.

- IT'S COOL.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS 5K PARTY STARTED!

[gunshot]

- WELL, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,

I'M BEING FORCED TO WALK THIS

BECAUSE I YELLED AT YOU.

- GOOD.

- NICE JOB, MCKIBBEN. - WHAT?

- YOU WERE TOTALLY SABOTAGING THEM.

I KNOW THE SIGNS.

[alternative music]

*

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- GETTING A LITTLE EXERCISE FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

NOBODY LIKES A BULLY.

- WHO YELLS AT HER BOYFRIEND'S FRIENDS.

- OR WRITES HARSH LETTERS TO HER DAUGHTER.

YOUR DAD LEFT TODAY.

HE'S AT GRANDMA'S.

- IT'S NOT JUST FOR A FEW DAYS, IS IT?

- NO.

*

- HEY, BEAUTIFUL!

YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN!

[both laugh]

NEXT ON AWKWARD

I'VE GOT THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS. DOUBLE DATE THIS WEEKEND.

I'M GONNA FIX YOU UP. - I CAN'T.

I'M GOING TO CHURCH CAMP. - WELL, IF THEY TELL YOU

TO DRINK THE KOOL-AID AND TAKE A NAP, DON'T.

- SHE'S THE GIRL WE'VE BEEN PRAYING FOR.

REMEMBER? THE HARLOT WHO STOLE MY BOYFRIEND.

- THERE WAS A SOLID CHANCE I WOULD FIND COMFORT

BEING EMBRACED BY A COMMUNITY OF LOVING...HATERS.

- HO BAGS ARE RELEGATED TO THE BACK OF THE BUS.