Original subtitles

JENNA (NARRATING): Previously on "Awkward."

-You want another chance?

-I won't screw up again.

-I came with Jake.

-But you can stay with me.

-Uh-- I should wash my mouth out.

I puked in the sink.

-I'm all in.

-This came in the mail for you.

JENNA (NARRATING): With the new year came freedom.

I had a boyfriend who was happy to be

seen with me in direct sunlight.

And I had to say, it felt good to have an open relationship.

Not open in a creepy polyamorous way.

Just public.

[SHOUTING]

-Something's going down at the sanctuary.

-Check it out.

-Bad news, dudes.

We've been TMZd.

-How long has that been recording?

-I don't know.

Last time I clocked the security camera,

it was pointed at the football field.

Can you imagine all the scandalous stuff

that's been caught on tape.

JENNA (NARRATING): Including my secret relationship

with Matty McKibben.

-I am fairly barely over my suicide stigma.

I can't be known as the girl who hooked up on tape.

-If you got down and dirty in that hellhole,

you have to worry about than your image.

The sanctuary is the slutty vagina of Palos Hills.

Total Petri dish.

-It is so gonna suck when you get expelled.

-Thanks for piling on my freak out.

-Who gives a [BLEEP] if someone stole

the footage from the sanctuary?

It's not like it's gonna ruin your reputation

when it goes viral.

Everybody already knows you're a slut.

The tape is going public?

BOY: No!

GIRL: Oh god, no.

-I hope I at least have a cameo.

From the neck up.

If these happy sacks are gonna be webified,

I'm gonna need to be compensated.

-I won't be on that tape.

Kinda hard to get in trouble when you're uber boring

and have no secrets.

It's a good day to be Asian.

-But not a good day to be me.

Now I have to tell Jake about Matty

before he finds out the hard way.

I have to get more info on this footage.

-I seriously doubt they picked up

anything on that sanctuary cam.

It's so dark, I'm sure all you can see are shadowy figures.

Probably not faces, right?

No faces?

-Yeah, I guess.

I know it's in the past, and I told Jenna

that it doesn't bother me, and I don't want it to bother me,

but it kind of does. -Get to the point.

Any point.

Please.

-Jenna told me she's not a virgin.

-She's not?

-No.

-Did you sleep with her?

-No.

Well, I mean, not yet.

You know.

-That has nothing to do with you, man.

That happened before you two started going out,

so stop stressing it.

-Remember that girl I lost it to?

Exactly.

Neither do I.

-Is that supposed to make me feel better.

JENNA: Hey!

-Hey.

Oh, hey.

I gotta go to study gym, which is-- does exist.

-What was that?

Did you tell him about us?

-No, he told me about us.

-What?

-He said you slept with somebody,

but for now, he doesn't know who it is.

Why'd you tell him?

-That's none of your business.

-Uh, it is now.

That video could surface any minute, so we can tell Jake

or he can find out with the rest of the world.

-Ahem.

Oh, Principal Cox.

Good day.

-No, bad day, Ms. Marks.

If this sanctuary scandal blows up, we could all go down.

-I don't wanna go down.

I've been there.

One minute, you're on top of the world,

and the next you're butt popping meth

in an abandoned warehouse with a guy named Rooster.

-Huh.

Huh.

Huh.

I-- I need your connections to help

us get this god danged tape.

-Hm.

Let me put on my Murder She Wrote glasses,

and I will get on it.

Actually, they're just reading glasses,

but when I lose my keys, I put them on and, boom,

I instantly find them.

-Because you can actually see.

When you do find that tape, don't watch it.

Just bring it straight to me.

-J. Like former President Clinton and former Prime

Minister Tony Blair, you and I have

what some might call a special relationship.

-Absolutely.

-OK.

Hi.

In this scenario, I will be Prime Minister Tony Blair

and you will be Clinton.

Ahem.

(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Do you know anything

about this alleged sanctuary tape?

-Why?

Do you?

-I asked you first.

-No.

But I was hoping you had some inside information, which

special friends would obviously share.

-Why do you want to know?

-Just curious.

JENNA (NARRATING): And desperate to know how much time

I had before I had to tell Jake.

My honeymoon was not ready to be over.

-All right, the truth is, I don't know anything.

I didn't even know there was a sanctuary until this morning.

-Great.

Well, thanks anyway.

-(ENGLISH ACCENT) Say hi to the wife for me.

The four of us should get together for some fondue.

(AMERICAN) Seriously, J, if you think of anyone who's

in the know, just send them my way.

JENNA (NARRATING): If there was anyone at PH who knew what

was going on before anyone else, it was--

-The Asians?

I'm not eating lunch with those people.

-Ming.

You're Chinese.

They're your people.

I am in a Code Orange soon to be red situation.

My happiness is at stake.

I need to know if Matty and I are on that freaking tape.

-How do the Asians fit into this equation?

-It's no secret they know everything about everything.

The Asians brought their earthquake kits to school

a week before the last earthquake,

and they threw Elena Harvey a baby shower

before she knew she was knocked up.

-Asians aren't magic.

They don't have control over everything.

-Yes they do.

Why do you think our school flag has a dragon on it?

Ming.

I'm not asking you to be friends with them.

It is just one lunch.

-Ugh.

Hi.

I'm--

-Ming Huang, 555 Trail Riders Drive.

We know you.

-You do?

-Your parents own a sundries shop on the peninsula

and they're crazy strict.

-How do you know that?

-The how is not as important as the why.

Asians make up 30% of the Palos Verdes population,

so it's important for us to know everything about them.

What I don't know is, are you a cool Asian or a school Asian?

What are your PSAT scores?

-120.

-Low.

You're not a school Asian.

Have you ever spring breaked in Cabo,

dealt Adderall, or had an affair with the lead singer

of an indie rock band?

Not a cool Asian either.

-So what am I?

-You're white.

Sushi?

-Wow.

Thanks, uh, I'm not a real Asian,

so I don't know your name.

-Becca.

What can we do for you?

-Do you know anyone that can get their hands

on that sanctuary footage?

My friend needs to know if she's on it.

-We don't stick our necks out for round eyes.

-That's kind of racist.

-No it's not.

Their eyes are round.

-Yeah, but--

-Now you're a racist.

-No I'm not.

-It's cool.

Why do you think I changed my name to Becca from Wan Fu Win?

Because everyone's a racist.

I'm kidding.

We'll see what we can do and get back to you.

Until then, here are the answers to tomorrow's history tests.

-Oh my god.

This is great.

Thanks.

-No, thank you.

You've been making us look bad.

-They had sushi delivered?

Amasian.

-You guys.

Asians are so cool.

They agreed to investigate the tape sitch

and slipped me some test answers.

-Thanks for the hook up.

If anyone can smoke out the footage, it'll be them.

-I think we lost Ming to the Far East.

-I feel dirty.

And alive.

I feel Asian.

-Kung Pao Shrimp, lasagna, and potato chip chicken casserole.

Those dishes don't really go together.

-Sure they do.

They are Jenna's favourites.

I guess I know out daughter a little better than you do.

JENNA (NARRATING): My mum thought she could work her way

back into my heart through my stomach.

She didn't know me at all.

-What's going on here?

You're cooking, and you're not eating.

JENNA (NARRATING): My Matty secret

wasn't the only one I was keeping.

My mum and I were still harbouring her secret

that she wrote the letter, and I figured

she should be the one to bust it out.

-Mum.

Do you wanna tell him?

-Why not?

-Lacey.

What the hell did you do?

-Jenna wanted me to tell you that I--

We're both getting perms!

Guess I should've let her tell you.

-When are you going to tell dad about the letter?

-I've tried.

You don't know how hard it is to tell someone

something that might break their heart.

JENNA (NARRATING): I knew exactly how hard it was, which

was why I had conveniently forgotten

to tell Jake about Matty.

-What about me?

You broke my heart when you wrote that letter.

And I still don't know why you wrote it.

-Jenna.

I was only trying to help you.

I swear.

-You are unbelievable.

-I'm sorry.

I wish I could take it back.

Not a minute goes by that I don't regret writing it.

-Tell dad about the letter or I will.

I am done with secrets.

JENNA (NARRATING): And I wasn't the only one.

The threat of the sanctuary tape being exposed

had ignited a school-wide preemptive strike.

People were spilling their secrets faster

than a bunch of drunk ass reality stars in a hot tub.

-I kind of cheated on you in the sanctuary.

I did the stone and bone with Cici Markling.

-I ate a double cheeseburger in there.

Best thing I ever put in my mouth.

-I made out with Matty McKibben, and he is a terrible kisser.

It didn't happen in the sanctuary

though, I wouldn't go near that cesspit.

JENNA (NARRATING): As pissed as I was at my mum

for not divulging her secret, I was just as mad at myself

for holding on to mine.

-Ming.

You can 86 the tape hunt.

I've decided to tell Jake.

-What if it turns out you're not even on it?

-It doesn't matter.

Jake deserves to know.

Even if he hates me for it.

-I'll tell Becca to call off the search.

I don't need the tape anymore.

-I'm sorry, but that train already left the station,

and you can't jump off of a moving train.

Actually, you can, but then you might break something.

I'll have that tape to you by tomorrow.

-OK.

And thanks for the cheat sheet.

I'm not complaining, but did you knew a few of those answers

are wrong?

-I didn't want to red flag you.

No one would buy it if you went from being a C student

to full immersion overnight.

You still only know one language.

[CHINESE]

-I'm just saying, I can't imagine some dude sitting

through a billion hours of footage

just to find a few minutes of good stuff.

What a pain in the ass.

-Are you on it?

Have you been cross dressing in the sanctuary?

-Yeah.

Can I borrow your thong again?

-As long as you hand wash it.

-You're the one obsessing, Rosati.

-I can't help it.

This Jenna thing is bumming me out.

I'm really into her, man.

I just assumed she was a virgin.

-You can't be upset with Jenna for something

she did before she met you.

-I know.

But that's not what's driving me nuts.

It's that Jenna was in love with this other guy.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

-Is she still in love with him?

-I don't know.

Why would you say that?

-I'm sorry.

Sorry, I gotta run.

I need to ask you something.

Have you slept with anyone else besides me?

-No, but what I have or haven't done, it doesn't--

-I love to.

-Hey.

Sorry it took so long.

You ready?

JENNA (NARRATING): I was definitely ready.

To hit the nearest self destruct button.

[MUSIC COSIMO, "HER KISSES TASTE LIKE DAMAGE"]

-Do you like this song?

I like this song.

I don't get it, though.

Her kisses taste like damage.

If he trying to say that the girl is emotionally damaged,

or that she tasted like vodka and cigarettes?

Jenna, I don't like secrets.

-Secrets?

What secrets?

-The guy you slept with.

I'm totally jealous of him.

Does that sound crazy?

Yeah, I know.

It does, and I'll own it.

I'm acting like a total whack job

and I don't even know who this guy is.

And you know what?

I don't want to know, because you're with me now,

and that's all that matters.

Right?

-OK.

-Yeah.

There.

Got that out of my system.

Now I can act like a dude again.

-You still have to tell him.

-He doesn't want to know.

-One way or another, [BLEEP] gets out.

And Matty said he loves you.

-Which is totally [BLEEP] up by the way.

How dare he do that now?

What a jerk.

-A jerk in love, which is why he could go rogue.

Look at all the crazy stuff I've done because of Ricky Schwartz.

The clock is ticking, Jenna, and according

to Ming's new frasians--

-What, friends who are Asians?

-Yeah.

The footage exists and it's coming out today.

Today, Jenna.

This tape is a terrorist backpack

and it's entering the open market of your relationship.

-Well, Jake said that he wasn't interested in hearing

the details of my former relationship,

and I am going to take that at face value.

-Yeah, well, how's Jake gonna feel when

he find out that face belongs to Matty?

You're taking the easy way out.

-Maybe.

But even if I am on that footage, I'm covered.

-Jenna Hamilton's not on it.

The security camera was only turned around for two days.

-How did you know I was getting it for Jenna?

-How do I know your grandparents were born two miles outside

of the Jiangsu Province, where they sustained

themselves by running a fish farm?

I just do.

-My grandpa said he was an engineer.

-Oh.

You still want this?

The only thing interesting is vice principal Highmore hooking

up some guy in a fugly snowflake tie.

-Gross.

I'd still have to check it out.

-And should I ever need a favour?

-Anything.

-Not right now.

But one day in the future, Ming Fei Yun Huang.

One day.

-Jenna.

I've--

-Got it.

-Oh, [BLEEP] me.

-Guess what I got.

-Nice tie.

Isn't it a little late for snowflakes?

-You didn't watch that, right?

Like I specifically instructed as your higher up?

-I have seen it, and it is tres scandalous.

-What-- What did you-- What did you see?

-I saw things.

Things that would have made a lesser woman weep.

Are you familiar with French New wave cinema?

-Don't Murder She Wrote me, Marks, all right?

-There was a lot of shoe leather to get my hands on this thing,

and I feel I'm due some respect.

-OK.

Come here.

I'll give you anything you want.

-I'm sorry, Becca.

The DVD was snaked by a crazy guidance counsellor.

-I know.

That was the plan.

-I'm confused.

Average student here, remember?

COX: Attention, students.

As of today, vice principal, Rachel Highmore

is stepping down and guidance counsellor Valerie Marks

will be moving into that position.

Kudos, Ms. Marks.

-Highmore was trying to stop us from parking

our cars in the visitor spaces.

That bitch had to go.

You're in our circle of trust now, Ming Fei Yun Huang,

and that trust can never be broken.

Never ever.

-You're not on the tape.

-Oh, thank god.

-Now you can stop worrying about yourself

and start worrying about me.

Hello Kitty played me like her sacrificial pawn.

Whenever she got all serious, she called me by my full name.

Ugh.

It creeped my [BLEEP] out.

-OMGDF.

I think you've just been inducted into the Asian mafia.

-What?

JENNA (NARRATING): As bad as I felt forcing Ming to roll

with her homies, I had to admit, I felt good.

The black cloud of scandal had lifted

and I no longer had to live in fear.

All my business was handled.

[BEEP]

-I got the tape from Fred Wu, and we are--

-Not on it.

I know.

Guess I'll see you around.

-That's all you have to say?

-What else is there?

-You know.

JENNA (NARRATING): I was in such a panic over the tape,

I had put Matty's I love you in a box

and shoved it into a poorly lit corner of my mind.

-So we don't have to tell Jake.

-I don't wanna be anyone's secret anymore,

and I don't wanna keep secrets from Jake.

I really like him.

He's not embarrassed of me, and he never

makes me feel bad about myself.

-Did I?

I'm so sorry, Jenna.

Just, please don't tell Jake.

I can't lose him too.

JENNA (NARRATING): My secrets were still in the closet.

Jake didn't wanna ask and Matty didn't want me to tell.

My mum wasn't ready to out herself either,

so I have to ask myself, were some secrets

better revealed or concealed?

-It all depends on the secret.

What do you mean?

Is it your secret to tell?

Thanks for dinner.

-I made chocolate silk pie.

Remember that road trip to Santa Fe when you were eight.

You loved this pie so much that you begged us to order one

for the road and then you secretly ate the entire change

and threw up in the cooler.

-Mum, stop.

You don't have to keep bribing me with food.

I'm never gonna tell dad about the letter.

That's your secret.

Not mine.

-Thank you.

Kevin.

I wrote that letter to Jenna.

[KNOCKING]

-I got your text.

But why am I coming through your back door?

-Uh, for the record, that's the only

back door you'll ever have access to.

-Not a problem.

Thanks for bringing it up, though.

I still have PTSD from the whole Lissa situation.

D-- Don't.

Don't say it.

-B-Hymen.

-So.

Uh, before I sweat through another shirt.

I mean, the thing is, uh, can you

tell me what it was that was so important

that you had to say it in person?

Do I need to sit down?

I'm gonna probably sit down.

No.

I'm gonna stand.

-OK.

So, Jake.

I know you don't wanna know about the other guy,

but I want you to know. That is, if you do wanna know.

But I think you would wanna know.

-What I want is for you to be comfortable

telling me anything, even if it's

something you think I don't wanna hear.

I wanna hear it.

-And I think it's only fair that you know.

I'm not in love with that other guy anymore.

I am completely and totally invested in you.

-You taste like pie.

-As long as I don't taste like damage.

-Maybe a little.

JENNA (NARRATING): Next on "Awkward."

-I chose Jake, and now we can't be alone

without Matty tagging along trying to tempt me.

The whole situation is weird.

-He probably feels like the BBF.

Back burner friend.

You've been so Saran wrapped around Jake,

you can't even see it.

-I'm not clingy, Matty is.

-I hate to admit this, but Matty might

be trying to homewreck you.

JENNA: There's no way he's trying

to overtly hurt my relationship.

Jake's his best friend.

-I think I know what's really going on.