Original subtitles

LAST SEASON ON AWKWARD

NOBODY CAN KNOW THAT I LIKE YOU.

- THIS CAME IN THE MAIL FOR YOU.

- JENNA, YOU COULD DISAPPEAR AND NO ONE WOULD NOTICE.

- "A FRIEND?"

SOMETIMES BEING A TEENAGER MAKES YOU WANT TO DIE.

ASPIRIN, TAKE ME AWAY. [screams]

- OUR DAUGHTER IS SUICIDAL. - I DIDN'T TRY TO KILL MYSELF.

- THE LOSER WANTS US TO TALK ABOUT HER.

- I LOVE THAT GIRL. - BETTER HIDE THE KNIVES.

- WHAT IS THE FASCINATION WITH ME?

- YOU HAVE SOME SERIOUS BACKBONE.

- I REALLY LIKE YOU.

- YOU'RE IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP?

- WHO...THE [bleep] INVITED YOU?

- I DID.

- HE'S TAKING YOU PUBLIC, OUTING YOU AS A COUPLE.

- ARE YOU AND MATTY TOGETHER?

- LOOKS LIKE MATTY INVITED A LOT OF PEOPLE.

- YOU HAVE TO BE HOME RIGHT AWAY?

- I HAVE A FEW HOURS TO KILL.

I'M NOT GONNA HOOK UP WITH MATTY AGAIN UNTIL WE DTR.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP.

- YOU PROMISED NOT TO HOOK UP AGAIN WITHOUT CLARITY.

YOU BETTER GET IT SOON BEFORE YOUR DUMPSTER HUMPING

WITHOUT A SAFETY NET.

- ARE WE...TOGETHER?

- YOU'RE NOT THE OBJECT OF HIS AFFECTION.

- YOU'RE EASY TO TALK TO.

- I WAS JUST THINKING THE SAME THING.

YOU THINK MATTY KNOWS JAKE KISSED ME?

- NO WAY. GUYS DON'T TALK.

- I KISSED JENNA HAMILTON. - WHAT?

- SO YOU CAN SLEEP WITH ME IN PRIVATE,

BUT YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME IN PUBLIC?

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT, MATTY,

BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF BEING YOUR SECRET.

- I'M SO GLAD I WROTE YOU THAT LETTER.

- JAKE CAN'T BE TRUSTED.

- WE'RE NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO CONTROL THE THINGS

THAT HAPPEN TO US, SWEETHEART, BUT...

YOU WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL HOW YOU FEEL.

- THE REASON THAT I KEEP BRINGING UP OUR KISS

IS BECAUSE I LIKE LIKE YOU.

- I WAS JUST NOMINATED

FOR SOPHOMORE WINTER FORMAL PRINCESS.

- AH!

- AH, YOU JUST MISSED HER.

- I DIDN'T KNOW ROSATI WAS THE GUY

YOU'VE BEEN TELLING ME ABOUT. - YEP.

JAKE'S MY DATE.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S TOO LATE.

MOM?

IT WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE,

NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING...

EXCEPT FOR MY MOUSE,

WHICH WASN'T WIRELESS OR WORKING AND DRIVING ME INSANE,

BECAUSE EVEN MY KEYBOARD WAS ACTING INANE.

USING PLUSES FOR "T"s, EXCLAMATIONS FOR "I"s,

I HOPED SANTA WOULD BRING A LAPTOP SURPRISE.

EITHER PIXELS OR PRINT MY BLOG WOULD BE FINE,

BUT I NEEDED A BREAK TO START THINKING OFFLINE.

THINKING ABOUT WHAT I FOUND POST THE DANCE.

THINKING HOW I FOUND IT BY CHANCE.

I FINALLY UNVEILED WHO HAD SCRIPTED THE LETTER.

IT WAS SOMEONE I KNEW... WHO SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER.

NOT LISSA,

NOT MING,

NOT TAMARA, NOT SADIE,

NOT MATTY, NOT DADDY,

BUT THE LADY WHO MADE ME.

SO FOR OVER A WEEK, I DEBATED MY ACTION.

WOULD I FORGIVE OR FORGET?

OR FOCUS ON... DISTRACTION?

LIKE DECORATING FIVE DOZEN COOKIES

WITH SUGAR AND SPICE.

OR WATCHING EVERY MOVIE ON PAY-PER-VIEW.

TWICE.

AND WHEN ALL ELSE FAILED TO PREOCCUPY MY MIND,

I WOULD HELP JAKE ROSATI WORK ON HIS GRIND.

THIS IS FRUSTRATING. MAYBE WE SHOULD--

- TAKE OFF OUR CLOTHES? - OR GO INSIDE.

BEFORE MY DAD GETS SUSPICIOUS.

- RIGHT.

- IT'S GETTING LATE, I SHOULD GO.

- ONLY IF YOU PROMISE

TO OPEN MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT TONIGHT.

- OH. WHERE CAN I FIND IT?

- YOU SHOULD LOOK FOR SOMETHING ARRIVING VIA EMAIL.

- OH.

[computer dings]

CONSIDERING VACATION DAYS WERE LIKE DOG YEARS,

JAKE AND I WERE ALREADY ON THE VERGE OF COMMON LAW STATUS.

SO MAKING US ONLINE OFFICIAL

SEEMED LIKE A FORMALITY.

AND YET, I WAS AFRAID.

WOULD JAKE STILL ACCEPT ME IF HE KNEW MY OWN MOTHER DIDN'T?

I NEED CLARITY AND AN--

- EXPLANATION?

WHY DO YOU NEED AN EXPLANATION?

- I'M NOT A DOUCHEBAG.

AM I? - NO.

- BUT THE JURY WAS STILL OUT ON MY MOTHER.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE ALL WRAPPED UP HERE, SO--

- NOT SO FAST.

I HAVE ONE MORE GIFT FOR YOU.

OH, YOU MISSED THE CARD. HERE.

"THIS IS WHO YOU ARE."

I NEVER WANT YOU TO FORGET HOW PRECIOUS YOU ARE TO ME.

- I COULDN'T. SHE PUT IT IN WRITING.

OF THE CAREFRONTATION KIND.

THANKS.

- THIS IS SOMETHING TO REMIND YOU

HOW PRECIOUS YOU ARE TO ME.

- HOW SHOULD I DRESS TONIGHT?

- SEXIFIED.

IT'S NEW YEAR'S EVE AND YOU HAVE A DATE,

WHICH MEANS YOU'RE GUARANTEED TO SWAP SALIVA.

THE ONLY THING I'M GUARANTEED IS A PROZAC ATTACK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE RICKY'S HOLED UP IN HAVASU

WITH HIS GRANDMA WHEN WE'RE FINALLY COMMIT LEGIT.

- OH, YOU GUYS DTR'ED?

- HE SEXTED ME A PICTURE OF HIS HAND

WITH A NOTE THAT SAYS, "WE MISS YOU."

THAT PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT UP. WE'RE TOGETHER.

NOW, YOU, YOU NEED AN OUTFIT THAT PLAYS UP YOUR ASSETS.

OH! BORROW SOMETHING FROM YOUR MOM.

GUARANTEED SHE HAS SOMETHING TO BOOST YOUR BITTIES.

- I'M NOT SURE MY MOM'S STYLE SENDS THE RIGHT MESSAGE--

WITH WORDS OR CLOTHES.

I STILL HADN'T TOLD TEE THAT MY MOM WROTE THE LETTER.

I HADN'T TOLD ANYONE,

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT ANYBODY TO HATE MY MOM

UNTIL I FIGURED OUT IF I DID.

- HELLO? - I'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

SEE YOU SOON.

- WHERE YOU GOING?

- A PARTY.

- WELL, YOUR DAD AND I WERE JUST GONNA

TAKE YOU TO A MOVIE. - SORRY.

- ARE YOU GOING WITH JAKE? - YEP.

- IS HE A GOOD KISSER? - MOM!

- WELL, IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO I WAS YOUR AGE.

YOU CAN TALK TO ME... ABOUT ANYTHING.

- I WASN'T READY TO TALK UNTIL I FIGURED OUT WHAT TO SAY.

SO THE ONLY WAY TO GET MY MOM OUT OF MY HAIR

WAS TO DO IT.

I GOTTA DO MY HAIR.

- NEED HELP? - NOPE.

- IF I WAS A PARANOID PERSON,

I WOULD SAY THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO AVOID ME.

- WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

[turns blow-dryer on]

- WELL, FOR STARTERS,

YOU'VE BEEN REALLY DISTANT THE LAST TWO WEEKS.

I CAN TELL WHEN SOMETHING'S EATING YOU UP,

AND I THINK I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I DETECTED SOMETHING MISSING,

AND REALIZE YOU MUST'VE SEEN IT.

THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO SAY,

SO I'LL JUST COME OUT WITH IT.

- SHE WAS ABOUT TO CONFESS.

- I NOTICED YOU AND JAKE WEREN'T ONLINE OFFICIAL.

IT TAKES A WHILE FOR BOYS TO COMMIT.

WHICH IS WHY YOU HAVE TO MANIPULATE THEM INTO IT.

DO YOU KNOW HIS PASSWORD?

[turns blow-dryer higher]

- IN FOUR SHORT MONTHS, I HAD EVOLVED.

I'D GONE FROM THAT GIRL WHO TRIED TO KILL HERSELF

TO THAT GIRL WHO HAD A DATE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.

BUT FOR SOME REASON, NEW JENNA STILL COULDN'T SHAKE

FEELING LIKE THE OLD ONE.

"WHAT'S LEFT TO BE RESOLVED?"

- HAPPY NEW YEAR! HA HA.

HI, HI. WELCOME.

- I HADN'T SPOKEN TO MATTY SINCE THE DANCE,

AND I WAS WORRIED THAT SEEING HIM WOULD BE...

WEIRD.

- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

LET'S GET A DRINK IN YOUR HAND.

- DEBRIEF. NOW!

- MATTY DIDN'T EVEN FLINCH.

HE JUST JET SKIED PASSED HIS HEARTACHE.

- YEAH, THOSE FIST BUMPS WERE NOT PAINED.

- OKAY, I GOT THE MEMO. HE'S FINE, BUT I'M NOT.

SOMEONE'S READING MY BLOG. I GOT A COMMENT TONIGHT.

- HOW? - IT'S ON A PUBLIC SITE.

- I KNEW IT. WHICH ONE?

- IT DOESN'T MATTER NOW. I HID IT.

- WHY'D YOU MAKE IT PUBLIC IN THE FIRST PLACE?

- I DON'T KNOW! I DIDN'T REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.

IT WAS ANONYMOUS... SORT OF.

SO IT'S NOT ONE OF YOU GUYS?

- LIKE YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS ME.

I CAN'T KEEP A SECRET FOR [bleep].

- TRUE.

- SO DO YOU THINK IT'S SOMEONE WE KNOW?

- MOST LIKELY, IT'S SOME CREEPY OLD PERV.

LIKE PENG HUANG. - WHO?

- MY DAD. I FOUND PORN ON MY LAPTOP.

- [gasp] EW!

YOUR DAD TICKLES HIS PICKLE ON YOUR--

- JUDGE ALL YOU WANT, BUT AT LEAST NOW

I HAVE LEVERAGE... SORT OF.

I'M STILL GETTING PICKED UP BEFORE MIDNIGHT.

SO WHILE YOU ALL KISS EACH OTHER,

I'M GONNA BE KISSING MY PILLOW.

- WITH YOUR DAD'S JOLLY JUICE.

- ON THAT VISUAL, I'M GETTING A DRINK.

- HI!

LOOK, IT'S A NEW YEAR,

AND I WANNA CLEAR THE AIR,

START FRESH, AND REPENT FOR MY SINS.

JENNA!

I'VE SINNED AGAINST YOU.

AND I'M SORRY.

- GREAT. I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.

- BUT I MEAN, I DID REALLY AWFUL THINGS TO YOU.

I TOLD EVERYONE YOU WERE A WHORE.

- DID YOU START THE "HAMILTON'S A WHORE" GROUP ONLINE?

- AS OF TOMORROW, IT'S COMING DOWN.

- GREAT, THANKS. I FORGIVE YOU.

GOOD TALK. - OH.

- YOU SEEM A LITTLE OFF BALANCE.

AND I THINK I KNOW WHY.

AT FIRST, I CONSIDERED IT TEMPORARY INSANITY

WHEN YOU LOCKED ME OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

BUT SINCE YOU HAVEN'T RESPONDED TO ANY OF MY CALLS OR TEXTS,

I CAN ONLY CONCLUDE YOU'RE BORDERING ON INSUBORDINATION.

THAT SAID, I'M OVER IT.

YOU'RE FORGIVEN.

- YOU THREATENED TO SHAVE MY HEAD.

- THIS IS WHAT WE DO.

YOU STEP OUT OF LINE, AND I SMACK YOU DOWN.

THEN YOU GET ME A LATTE.

- WELL, NOT THIS YEAR.

- SO YOU'RE WILLING TO BE FRIENDS WITH HAMIL-TOE

AND NOT ME? - EXACTLY.

BY THE WAY, YOU LOOK SKINNY.

- THAT IS SOMETHING A FRIEND WOULD SAY, BITCH!

- THE POWDER WAS SO FRESH, MAN.

EXCEPT ON THE BACKSIDE WHEN I BAILED DOWN SOME ICE.

BEST SNOWBOARDING OF MY LIFE.

- WISH I COULD'VE BEEN THERE. - NO DOUBT.

SO WHAT'D YOU DO OVER THE BREAK?

- OH, NOT MUCH. JUST CHILLED.

- OH, WITH HAMILTON? - A LITTLE.

- YOU GUYS TOGETHER NOW?

[phone rings]

- UH, NO, WE'RE NOT OFFICIAL OR ANYTHING.

JUST BEEN HANGING OUT.

- HELLO? - HEY, GIRL!

JUST WANTED TO SAY HAPPY NYE!

- VALERIE? IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

YOU'VE NEVER CALLED MY CELL BEFORE.

- WELL, JENNA, THERE IS A FIRST FOR EVERYTHING.

A FIRST FOR CALLING YOUR BEST GIRL,

A FIRST FOR BEING STOOD UP.

- WERE YOU STOOD UP?

- NO! NO, GOD, NO.

I MEANT, IN THE HANDICAPPED SENSE

WHEN SOMEONE HAS TO LIFT SOMEONE ELSE OUT OF A WHEELCHAIR.

ANYWAY, WHERE ARE YOU CELEBRATING TONIGHT?

- UH, I'M A MATTY MCKIBBEN'S.

- RIGHT. NEW YEAR'S IS FOR LOVERS.

- I'M HERE WITH JAKE.

- ARE YOU SURE THAT'S A GOOD IDEA?

I MEAN, SOMEONE MIGHT GET THE WRONG IMPRESSION,

LIKE I HAD A DATE.

- VALERIE, I HAVE TO GO! - WHY!

- LOOK, I LET THE CAT OUT.

NEED SOME HELP?

- SURE.

- SO DID YOU HAVE A GOOD HOLIDAY?

- YEAH, IT WAS GREAT. YOU? - YEAH.

SO...I KNOW I PROBABLY DON'T HAVE TO SAY THIS,

BUT I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE DANCE.

I'M HOPING WE CAN BE FRIENDS ONCE WE GET SOME CLOSURE.

NOT THAT I'M SUGGESTING THAT YOU NEED CLOSURE.

BUT...

I DO.

SO...ARE WE CLOSED?

- NO.

I WANT ANOTHER CHANCE.

YOU WANT ANOTHER CHANCE?

- I KNOW I MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES.

BUT I WON'T SCREW UP AGAIN. - I CAME WITH JAKE.

- BUT YOU CAN STAY...

WITH ME.

- IT'S NOT THAT EASY.

I KNOW YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME, JENNA,

OR YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW.

- IT WAS TRUE. I HADN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT MATTY.

BUT I ALSO HADN'T ENTIRELY FORGIVEN HIM.

- JAKE SAID YOU GUYS WERE JUST HANGING OUT.

HE'LL UNDERSTAND ONCE WE EXPLAIN IT.

- WE? - OR ME.

I'LL TELL HIM.

OKAY, JUST MEET ME HERE AT MIDNIGHT...

AND WE'LL START OVER. AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT JAKE.

HE'LL UNDERSTAND ONCE... HE KNOWS.

- ONCE HE KNOWS WHAT?

- THAT I WAS WITH YOU FIRST.

- TECHNICALLY, MATTY WAS WITH ME FIRST.

AND TECHNICALLY, JAKE AND I WEREN'T OFFICIAL.

BUT IF EVERYTHING CAME DOWN TO TECHNICALITIES,

I WAS TECHNICALLY CONFUSED.

- I'M CONFUSED TOO.

- WHEN DID YOU ASK HER TO BE ONLINE OFFICIAL?

- ALMOST A WEEK AGO. AND SHE HASN'T EVEN RESPONDED.

- [scoffs] PUH-LEASE.

RICKY'S LEFT MY REQUEST IN CYBERSPACE

FOR, LIKE, THREE MONTHS.

I SHOULD REALLY ASK HIM WHY. - DO IT NOW.

GET A LITTLE RESOLUTION BEFORE THE NEW YEAR.

- HE'S WITH HIS GRANDMA.

- WELL, IF THAT'S TRUE, THEN SHE'S LOOKING PRETTY GOOD.

- RICKY! YOU LYING SACK OF CRAP!

- I BETTER LIE IN WAIT NEARBY TO DEAL WITH THE AFTERMATH.

- OOH! HEY, STRANGER.

WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?

- I ACCIDENTALLY LET THE CAT OUT.

- I DON'T THINK MATTY HAS A CAT.

- ANY MORE.

WHICH IS... EVEN MORE REASON TO FIND IT.

IT HAS ALREADY BEEN FORGOTTEN.

- AND WHAT ABOUT YOU? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?

- FORGOTTEN WHAT? - TO RESPOND TO MY REQUEST.

- OH, RIGHT! I WAS TOTALLY GONNA DO THAT.

RIGHT AFTER I FOUND THE CAT.

HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!

KITTY!

- [gasp] KITTY? KITTY?

IS THERE A KITTY? [gasp] I LOVE KITTIES.

MEOW. KITTY? MEOW.

MEOW! - GET UP, THERE'S NO CAT.

- SO I'VE BEEN THINKING. - IT WAS A FIRST.

- I KNOW HOW WE CAN BE EVEN.

- WE ARE EVEN. - NO, NO.

I'M TALKING OLD TESTAMENT EVEN.

IT'S CALLED AN EYE FOR AN EYE,

BUT WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT A CHEEK FOR A CHEEK.

I SLAPPED YOU, SO YOU HAVE TO SLAP ME.

- UH-UH, I'M NOT GONNA SLAP YOU. - COME ON, SLAP ME!

[gasp] WOW, I DIDN'T EVEN FEEL THAT.

- BEAUTIFUL, I SWEAR,

MY GRANDMA DROPPED ME OFF EARLY TO SURPRISE YOU.

CALL HER. SHE'LL CONFIRM MY STORY.

- YOUR STORY? [chuckles]

YOU JUST ADMITTED THAT YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP.

EAT [bleep], RICKY.

- 15 MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT!

- THEY WERE 15 MINUTES THAT I WOULD NEVER FORGET.

JAKE NEEDED ACCEPTANCE, MATTY NEEDED AN ANSWER,

AND I NEEDED SOME AIR.

[car horn honking]

- I'M HERE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR CRISIS.

- YOU KNOW ABOUT MY CRISIS?

- WITH YOUR CAT. DON'T WORRY, WE'LL FIND HER.

OR IS IT A HIM? TOMCATS CAN BE A LITTLE TRICKY.

WHICH IS WHY I BROUGHT REINFORCEMENTS.

- VAL... THE CAT'S IMAGINARY.

- SO IS MY RELATIONSHIP.

OH!

"J," I AM TORE UP FROM THE FLOOR UP,

BEAT UP FROM THE FEET UP,

AND I NEED A CHECK UP FROM THE NECK UP.

ALOK STOOD ME UP.

I'M SORRY TO LAY THIS ON YOU BUT SUSAN'S OUT OF TOWN.

- WHO'S SUSAN? YOUR THERAPIST?

- NO, MY PSYCHIC.

I'M NOT GOOD AT FOLLOWING MY OWN INTUITION

WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS,

SO I NEED HER GUIDANCE.

- AND THERE'S NO WAY TO REACH HER BY PHONE?

AT THAT MOMENT,

I COULD'VE USED A LITTLE GUIDANCE FROM SUSAN MYSELF.

- NO, SHE WON'T GIVE OUT HER CELL.

OH, "J"...

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A TOOL.

ALOK SAID HE WANTED TO RING IN THE NEW YEAR TOGETHER,

SO I BOUGHT A NEW DRESS AND I GOT MY HAIR DONE.

- AND NOW IT'S UNRAVELED.

- NO. IT'S STILL INTACT. BUT MY HEART ISN'T.

- HE DIDN'T EVEN CALL YOU? - NO, HE DID A FEW TIMES.

BUT...I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST--I DON'T WANNA HEAR HIS EXCUSES, YOU KNOW?

I'VE HEARD 'EM ALL BEFORE. MY EX HAD A MILLION OF 'EM.

WHO BANGS THEIR HEAD AND HAS TO GO TO THE DOCTOR?

THERE WAS NO BLOOD. JUST A BUMP AND BLURRED VISION.

HE COULD'VE JUST SAID HE DIDN'T WANNA SEE STARS ON ICE.

- VAL, THIS IS YOUR EX, NOT MR. MISHRA, RIGHT?

- YEAH.

- YOU CAN'T LET YOUR PAST DISAPPOINT CLOUD YOUR JUDGMENT.

IT'S HOLDING YOU BACK.

AND MAYBE MY PAST DISAPPOINTMENT WAS HOLDING ME BACK TOO.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW FROM WHO. - I SHOULD CALL HIM.

- DO IT.

- GET OUT OF MY CAR.

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!

- 10!

all: 9...

8...

7...

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALONE IN HERE?

- UM, GETTING DRUNK.

I JUST GOT DENIED.

- AH, LET ME GUESS. JENNA HAMILTON.

- YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW?

- IT'S [bleep] OBVIOUS.

YOU'VE BEEN DROOLING OVER THE FREAK FOR MONTHS.

WHY? I'LL NEVER KNOW.

YOU PROBABLY HAVE SOME SORT OF SAVIOR COMPLEX.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

DID SHE DIS YOU AGAIN FOR THE NILLA WAFER?

- YUP.

AND NOW I'VE BEEN RELEGATED TO SECOND STRING.

JUST TELL ME, HOW DO I JUST WATCH FROM THE SIDELINES?

- GET A THERAPIST. - COME ON, SADES.

I NEED TO TALK. - THEN TALK.

BUT NOT TO ME.

- WHY?

- ARE YOU SO DENSE THAT YOU CAN'T SEE

THAT I HAVE HAD A CRUSH ON YOU FOREVER?

AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER

BECAUSE YOU FINALLY TASTED THE BITTER PILL OF REJECTION?

WELL, I WON'T.

WELCOME TO MY CLUB. IT'S A LONELY, SAD, DEP--

- SO...WHAT ARE YOUR RESOLUTIONS?

- I DIDN'T KNOW. THERE WERE TOO MANY TO PROCESS.

- THIS YEAR, I'M NOT EVEN GONNA SAY HIS NAME.

RICKY'S DEAD TO ME. OH, DAMN IT!

I JUST SAID RICKY. [bleep]!

- THIS YEAR, I'M GONNA LET JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.

'CAUSE I'M WAY TOO DRUNK TO DRIVE.

OW!

- THIS YEAR, I'M GONNA BE ON TOP.

UNLESS I'M IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP.

- I JUST DECIDED I'M NOT GONNA MAKE ANY RESOLUTIONS.

I'M JUST GONNA LET THE YEAR SURPRISE ME.

- OH...MY...GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

YOU'RE TOTALLY OVERRATED.

OR...

AM I?

- THIS IS MY GRANDMA. TALK TO HER.

- HELLO? YES, BUT--

HE DID?

HE IS A NICE BOY.

YOU TOO.

OH! I SHOULD WASH MY MOUTH OUT. I PUKED IN THE SINK.

ANYBODY HAVE ANY GUM?

- YOU, COME HERE!

- THAT WAS-- - AMAZING.

I KNOW. YOU'RE WELCOME.

- YOU READY TO GO? - YES.

- I'M NOT LETTING YOU LEAVE.

NOT UNTIL YOU--

- HAPPY NEW YEAR.

- THANK YOU.

- MM.

- THANKS FOR COMING WITH ME TONIGHT.

- MM-HMM.

- AND, UH, THANK YOU FOR THE... CONDOMS?

WHO GOT CONDOMS FOR CHRISTMAS?

- ME. THEY'RE FROM MY DAD.

- WOW! WELL, THANK YOU, MR. HAMILTON.

LOOKS LIKE I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A GOOD YEAR.

CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR DAD GAVE YOU CONDOMS.

- YEAH, IT'S KIND OF HIS THING.

HE GAVE THEM TO THE LAST GUY I DATED TOO.

- OH.

SO YOU USE 'EM?

- YES...NO.

NOT ANY MORE, BUT I HAVE.

- COOL.

- IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, I WAS IN LOVE...

YOU KNOW, WHEN I USED THEM.

- THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER.

- DO YOU WANT OUT?

- NO.

I'M ALL IN.

BUT ARE YOU?

- IT WAS OFFICIAL.

WE HAD DTR'ED FOR THE WORLD TO SEE.

AND I WAS LETTING GO OF MY FEAR.

MY FEAR OF REJECTION.

BECAUSE I HAD NOTHING TO HIDE.

AND EVEN IF ONLY ONE VIRTUAL STRANGER

KNEW THE WHOLE TRUTH,

IT WAS TIME TO GO PUBLIC

WITH WHAT I COULD NEITHER FORGIVE NOR FORGET.

- YES.

- THIS CAME IN THE MAIL FOR YOU.

- AND...SHE'S FINALLY DOING HER HAIR

NOW THAT SHE HAS A BOYF--

SARAH, I GOTTA GO.

NEXT ON AWKWARD

SOMETHING'S GOING DOWN AT THE SANCTUARY.

- BAD NEWS, DUDES. WE'VE BEEN TMZ'ED.

- CAN YOU IMAGINE ALL THE SCANDALOUS STUFF

THAT'S BEEN CAUGHT ON TAPE?

- I AM BARELY OVER MY SUICIDE STIGMA.

I CAN'T BE KNOWN AS THE GIRL WHO HOOKED UP ON TAPE.

- JENNA TOLD ME SHE'S NOT A VIRGIN.

- THE TAPE IS GOING PUBLIC?

- PLEASE DON'T TELL JAKE.

I CAN'T LOSE HIM TOO.

- I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT YOU KNOW.