Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD... AAH!

BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW,

I DIDN'T TRY TO KILL MYSELF.

"JENNA, AS YOU ARE NOW,

YOU COULD DISAPPEAR, AND NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. A FRIEND."

- GUYS LIKE MATTY DON'T GO FOR GIRLS LIKE US.

[bell rings]

- * I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT YOU *

- FOR 2.8 WEEKS, MATTY COULDN'T KEEP HIS HANDS OFF ME.

- * YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY BUT I LOVE YOU *

- HE WAS ON A JENNA BENDER.

AND ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT MY VAG-A-MATIC WAS SUFFERING

SOME SERIOUS ROAD BURN,

I WAS HIGH ON LIFE.

I WAS LIVING THOSE MAGICAL HIGH SCHOOL MOMENTS

I'D ONLY SEEN IN MOVIES,

AND LIKE MOST LEADING LADIES, I WANTED MORE.

NOT MORE BONING.

I WASN'T STARTING A LIFELONG BATTLE WITH SEX ADDICTION.

I JUST WANTED MORE... INTIMACY.

LIKE THE KIND I HAD WITH BRIAN PALERMO

WHEN WE PLAYED DOCTOR AS KIDS.

- AH, THERE'S A CRAMP. I GOT TO--

- SORRY.

SEVEN YEARS LATER, I WAS PLAYING FOR REAL

WITH A GUY I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT.

OH. CAN YOU MOVE? MY HEAD'S IN THE OVEN.

- YEAH. - MY CASUAL SUICIDE REFERENCE

COULD HAVE KILLED THE MOMENT,

BUT LUCKILY MATTY WAS PREOCCUPIED.

- OH, GOD.

OH, UH, SHOULD I WAIT?

- IT WAS TIME TO GET TO KNOW MATTY.

- OH.

- AND I HAD APPROXIMATELY TEN SECONDS.

- IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD,

WHERE WOULD IT BE? - UH, I DON'T KNOW.

- HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?

- 'BOUT 15.

- OKAY, SO IF YOU WERE ON DEATH ROW,

WHAT WOULD YOU WANT AS YOUR LAST MEAL?

- OH, BENIHANA'S. - ARE YOU CLOSE TO YOUR MOM?

- OKAY, NO MORE QUESTIONS. - OKAY.

- AWESOME!

[sighs]

WOW.

OH, HEY.

I USED TO COLLECT THESE LITTLE DUDES.

- TURNS OUT WE HAD A LOT IN COMMON.

KEEP IT.

SO AFTER BONDING OVER SEX

AND OUR SHARED LOVE OF REPTILES TRAINED IN MARTIAL ARTS

SPECIALIZING IN SABOTAGE,

I COULDN'T HELP BUT WONDER

IF THIS MADE MATTY AND I A "WE,"

AND WERE WE GOING ABOUT THIS BACKWARDS?

FIRST THE SEX, THEN THE RELATIONSHIP?

OR WERE WE JUST MORE INTERESTING?

DO WE HAVE ANY PLANS--

DO YOU. DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS THIS WEEKEND?

- I'LL, UH, PROBABLY SWING BY LISSA'S PARTY FRIDAY.

- OH.

I SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE "WE."

YOU KNOW, POWER OF SUGGESTION.

- YOU SHOULD COME.

- OKAY, SO I GUESS "WE" WEREN'T THE TYPE WHO KISSED GOOD-BYE.

OR MAYBE WE WERE.

- * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *

[typing on keyboard]

[loud thud]

- IF YOU'RE NOT BUSY TONIGHT,

RICKY SCHWARTZ IS HAVING PEEPS OVER FOR STRIP JENGA.

- UM, MATTY INVITED ME TO A PARTY.

- GET OUT OF THE CITY!

- MATTY'S ACTUAL WORDS, "YOU SHOULD COME."

DOES THAT COUNT AS AN INVITE?

- HE PARKED HIS PINK CADILLAC DOWN YOUR SIDE STREET.

OF COURSE IT COUNTS.

HE'S TAKING YOU PUBLIC, OUTING YOU AS A COUPLE.

- TAMARA THOUGHT MATTY AND I WERE A "WE."

SO IT'S A DATE?

- DATES ARE SO OLD TESTAMENT.

YOU JUST SHOW UP AT THE PARTY.

AND BRING ME.

- WELL, TOO BAD IT'S BEING THROWN

BY QUEEN OF THE VIRGIN PARADE.

- JOIN THE ABSTINENCE CLUB. BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

- TIA.

IT MEANS THIS IS AWKWARD.

- ABSTINENCE ISN'T EASY, AND NEITHER ARE YOU.

- GUESS YOU CAN'T BE IN THAT CLUB.

BUT YOU CAN STILL GO TO HER PARTY.

- IT'S PENCILED IN.

KEEPING MATTY AND I'S RELATIONSHIP OFF THE GRID

SEEMS TO BE WORKING FOR US.

- HEY, STOP.

DON'T TOUCH ME THERE.

THAT, SIR, IS MY NO-NO SQUARE.

- GIRLFRIEND'S ON THE HYMEN SQUAD.

- YEAH. LISSA'S GIVEN ME SO MANY RUB AND TUGS,

I GOT NO SKIN LEFT DOWN THERE.

- I BLAME GOD.

- YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY SUCKS, MAN?

IT'S OUR THREE-MONTH ANNIVERSARY TONIGHT,

SO I'M PROBABLY DUE ANOTHER HANDIE.

- OR LISSA'S CASE, A SANDIE. - HUH?

- HANDIE SO ROUGH, IT'S LIKE SANDPAPER.

- WE HAVE TO GO TO LISSA'S.

THIS IS MY OPPORTUNITY TO SKIP NINE,

MAYBE TEN RUNGS ON THE SOCIAL LADDER.

- IT'S PROBABLY GONNA BE A BIG PARTY,

AND NO ONE'LL EVEN NOTICE WE'RE THERE.

- DOESN'T MATTER.

A PERSON'S POPULARITY IS DIRECTLY RELATED

TO THE NUMBER OF RED CUP PICS THEY HAVE POSTED ONLINE.

PHOTOSHOPPING MY WAY TO THE A-LIST

WAS A BIG FAIL MARY.

TO SIMULATE GANGE SMOKE, I LIT A FIRE IN MY TRASH CAN,

AND MY HAIR CAUGHT ON FIRE.

LUCKILY, I WAS WEARING MY JESSICA SIMPS BUMP-UP PONY,

SO I JUST RIPPED THAT [bleep] OUT.

- S-T-O-P.

KEEP YOUR THING AWAY FROM ME.

- WHERE'S YOUR PURITY RING? HANGING FROM YOUR NIPPLE?

- I'M JUST USING THE GIFTS GOD GAVE ME.

- I HOPE YOU'RE USING THE PARTY PLANNING GIFTS HE GAVE YOU,

BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE ASSOCIATED

WITH SOME LAME-ASS SHINDY.

ESPECIALLY WHEN TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT

I'M HOOKING UP WITH MATTY.

- MY PARTY IS GOING TO ROCK YOUR FACE OFF.

AND IT'S PERFECT TIMING.

IT'S MINE AND JAKE'S THREE-MONTH ANNIVERSARY.

- YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, RIGHT?

- IT'S OUR PAPER ANNIVERSARY?

- MORE LIKE A LATEX ANNIVERSARY.

'CAUSE IT'S THE DEADLINE FOR SEX.

IF YOU DON'T DO HIM, YOU'LL LOSE HIM.

OH, AND DO NOT HEAT UP THE HOT TUB.

I CAN'T HAVE IT GOING DOWN WITH MATTY

IN SOME NASTY CESSPOOL.

- KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN.

- MAYBE WE SHOULD GO TONIGHT.

I WAS HAVING SOME SERIOUS PARTY JITTERS.

MY OUTFIT SAID YES, BUT MY GUT SAID STAY THE HELL HOME.

MAYBE IT WAS A SIGN THAT MATTY NEEDED ROOM TO MISS ME.

I JUST DECIDED WE'RE NOT GOING.

- IF WE DON'T GO, THEN THE TERRORISTS WIN.

AND BY "TERRORISTS" I MEAN SADIE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NEVER SHOWED THIS TO ME.

BITCH DEFINITELY WROTE THE LETTER.

- WHY WOULD SHE BOTHER?

- ONE, SHE HATES YOU,

TWO, SHE SEXTED YOUR BILLABONGS TO THE TRI-SCHOOL AREA,

AND, THREE, SHE HAS A THING FOR MATTY,

AND PROBABLY SUSPECTS YOU DO TOO.

YOU CANNOT SHOW FEAR.

YOU HAVE TO SHOW HER YOU DON'T GIVE A CRAP.

- OR I DON'T GO, AND I DON'T SHOW ANYTHING.

- LAUNDRY.

UM, ARE YOU WEARING EYELINER?

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

- SHE GOT INVITED TO AN IN-CROWD PARTY,

BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO.

- OH, YOU'RE GOING, AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU CAN WEAR.

NOTHING IN YOUR CLOSET. BE RIGHT BACK.

- WHAT IF YOU INVITED MATTY TO A PARTY AND HE DIDN'T SHOW UP?

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?

- WELL, I'D BE BUMMED.

- GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. THEY'RE SENSITIVE.

ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE CIRCUMCISED.

MATTY JUNIOR WEAR A HELMET?

- HOW WOULD I KNOW? - OH, YOU'D KNOW.

both: NO.

- OKAY, WELL, I DON'T WANT MATTY TO FEEL BAD,

SO, I DON'T KNOW, SHOULD I ASK HIM TO WALK ME IN,

OR DOES THAT MAKE ME SEEM LIKE A PUSSY?

- NO, YOU AND MATTY HAVE A THING.

- I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF THING,

BUT I WAS HOPING THE PARTY WOULD CLEAR THAT UP.

both: NO.

- OKAY.

- BIG UPS ON THE CONTENT, BUT I'M NOT SOLD ON THE SIGN OFF.

- YEAH. I TRIED AN EXCLAIM, BUT IT MADE ME SEEM TOO EXCITED,

AND NOW I'M WORRIED THE DOT DOT DOT IS TOO WHOREY.

- AGREED. THE ELLIPSES ARE THE SLUTS OF PUNCTUATION.

GO WITH A DASH.

both: NO.

- I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT

FROM THAT NIGHT.

KEEP IN MIND, IT WAS MY VERY FIRST PARTY,

AND I WAS WASTED.

AND I WAS ALONE WITH MAYBE SEVEN GUYS,

AND THEY WERE WASTED...

- OKAY. IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET NOSTALGIC OVER YOUR FIRST ORGY,

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

- SURPRISINGLY, NO.

BUT I NEVER DID FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PANTIES.

- OKAY, UM...

HE HASN'T TEXTED ME BACK.

HOW DO I KNOW IF HE'S INSIDE? OR SHOULD I WAIT OUT HERE?

- WHO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? - MATTY McKIBBEN.

- [gasps] ARE YOU AND MATTY TOGETHER?

- APPARENTLY THIS WAS A BURNING QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND.

IF ONLY I COULD ANSWER IT.

CAN WE GO AROUND THE BLOCK AGAIN?

- NO MORE LAPS. MM-MM.

THE BEER IS FOR THE KIDS.

FINNISH VODKA IS FOR LISSA'S MOM.

SHE IS A BIG BOOZER,

AND NO DOUBT DRANK EVERY OUNCE OF HOOCH IN THAT HOUSE.

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS. WHAT IS THE GOLDEN RULE?

both: BEER BEFORE LIQUOR, NEVER SICKER.

LIQUOR BEFORE BEER, IN THE CLEAR.

- YAY! HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

MWAH.

- PROMISE ME IF IT'S WEIRD AT ALL

THAT WE WILL JUST LEAVE, OKAY?

- LIKE YOU SAID, NO ONE'LL EVEN NOTICE US.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A RAGER.

THERE'S PROBABLY FIVE MILLION PEOPLE IN HERE.

- THAT'S TRUE, I GUESS.

HI.

- OR WE JUST CRASHED A GET-TOGETHER.

- TIA.

- UH, THE FINNISH VODKA'S FOR YOUR MOM,

AND THE BEER IS... THAT'S FOR US.

- OH, MY MOM'LL BE SO STOKED.

HER BATHROOM MINI FRIDGE IS TOTALLY EMPTY.

- WHO...THE [bleep]...

INVITED...YOU?

- I DID.

- MATTY AND I WERE A "WE."

- BETTER HIDE THE KNIVES.

- SAY "SADIE!"

- GET OUT OF MY FACE, WANNABE.

[dog barking]

LISSA, I TOLD YOU TO LOCK UP THAT STUPID MUTT!

- SPRINKLES, BE QUIET!

- SO THERE WE WERE, OUT IN PUBLIC,

FOR THE WHOLE... SMALL GROUP OF PEOPLE TO SEE.

I WONDERED HOW HE'D INTRODUCE ME.

- HEY.

- AS HIS GIRLFRIEND, HIS DATE, HIS LOVER...

- DRINKS AND STUFF ARE OVER HERE.

- I WOULD HAVE SETTLED FOR "JENNA."

- WELL, YOU KNOW EVERYBODY.

- YO, MATTY.

- I KNOW ALMOST NO ONE.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW? - BLEND IN.

- THERE'S NOTHING TO BLEND INTO.

- MATTY INVITED YOU HERE.

IT'S YOUR TURN TO MAKE THE NEXT MOVE.

BUT FIRST, PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE CROSS-FADED.

CIGARETTE BUTTS.

- HOW'S IT GOING? - GOOD.

YEAH, GOOD.

PRETTY GOOD.

OKAY, ACTUALLY, IT'S KIND OF WEIRD.

- OH, IT'S WAY WEIRD. - YES.

LISTEN, I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW

THIS WAS GONNA BE A KICKBACK.

- I FIGURED. - YEAH.

- OH, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT'S THE BENEFIT TO HAVING A SMALLER PARTY

VERSUS A, UM, STANDARD RAGER?

- WELL, NO ONE'S GONNA CALL THE COPS,

AND THEIR HOUSE WON'T GET TRASHED.

AND THERE'S A LOT MORE BOOZE TO GO AROUND, SO...

- IT'S REALLY NICE TO SEE YOU OUT, JENNA.

IS THIS YOUR FIRST PARTY SINCE THE ACCIDENT?

- EVERYBODY SMIZE.

SMILE WITH YOUR EYES.

- IF OUR BODY LANGUAGE

WAS ANALYZED BY THE EXPERTS AT US WEEKLY,

THEY WOULD HAVE SAID WE WERE ON THE OUTS.

- MATTY, I NEED YOUR HELP WITH THE KEG.

- RIGHT. UH, TALK LATER?

- MM-HMM.

- HEY, DID YOU GET LOWLIGHTS?

- AND HIGHLIGHTS.

THEN I GOT COMPLETELY NECK-2-T LASERED.

- DID IT HURT?

- I DIDN'T EVEN FEEL IT.

THEN AGAIN, I ALWAYS TAKE, LIKE,

THREE ZANNIES.

- OH, MY GOD. IS THAT SAFE?

- THEY'RE DRIVING ZANNIES.

- CUPS UP, LADIES.

BY THE WAY, I'M TAMARA.

IT'S SPELLED "TAM-ARA," BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED "TA-MARA."

LIKE, IF YOUR BIRTH CONTROL FAILS,

YOU BETTER PLAN "B" IT "TA-MARA."

- WOW. I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN A GIRL EAT

AT ONE OF THESE KICKBACKS.

- YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HAVING ABOUT AS MUCH FUN AS I AM.

- I'M A LITTLE STRESSED. IT'S MY ANNIVERSARY.

- WELL, IT MAKES SENSE. A YEAR'S A LONG TIME.

- IT'S ONLY BEEN THREE MONTHS.

- WHA--

LISS. PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.

- WHAT PEOPLE? - OKAY.

- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

- I HAD TO TAKE A LEAK.

- OH. WELL, COME CHECK THIS OUT.

LISSA'S DAD GOT AN ELECTRIC EEL,

AND WHEN YOU TAP THE GLASS, IT GETS SUPER PISSED,

AND SHOCKS THE CRAP OUT OF THE ANGEL FISH.

- SADIE, LET'S JUST TALK ABOUT IT A LITTLE LATER, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT.

- DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME

UNTIL YOU KICK THAT SLUT-HOLE OUT OF YOUR PARTY.

- WHY?

[gasps] DID MATTY JUST BLOW YOU OFF?

- NO, I ASKED HIM TO GET ME A BEER.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, DRUNK FU?

- YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT JAKE.

HE IS PULLING AWAY. I HAVE TO STEP IT UP.

BUT I CAN'T HAVE SEX-SEX,

SO WHAT CAN I DO WITHOUT BREAKING MY VOW?

- WELL, THERE IS A LOOPHOLE.

- REALLY?

- GOD HAS A BLIND SPOT.

- HI. - HI.

- SO I WAS THINKING, YOU REMEMBER THE OTHER DAY

WHEN WE WERE AT YOUR HOUSE, AND WE WERE TALKING--

WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?

- SO THERE WE WERE, NOT SPEAKING.

I DESPERATELY WANTED HIM TO SAY SOMETHING.

ANYTHING.

EVEN THOUGH I WAS STUCK ON MUTE.

24 HOURS AGO, MATTY WAS TAKING MY TEMP

WITH HIS ALL-BEEF THERMOMETER,

AND NOW HE COULDN'T EVEN ASK ME

HOW MUCH FOAM I WANTED.

- OH, OH. THAT'S--THAT'S PLENTY.

MAYBE HE WAS JUST SHY.

I MEAN, I'D NEVER BEEN OUT WITH HIM BEFORE.

FOR ALL I KNOW, HE HAD SOCIAL ANXIETY.

- WHO'S READY FOR SOME HOT TUB ACTION?

[all cheer] - WHOO!

- SO MY SHY THEORY WAS A TAD OFF.

- WHOO!

- I TOLD YOU NO HOT TUB.

- I NEEDED AN EXCUSE TO GET IN A BIKINI

SO I COULD LURE JAKE INTO MY ROOM.

BUT DON'T WORRY. I KNOW YOU DON'T DO SWIMSUITS,

SO I BROUGHT YOU ONE OF MY DAD'S SHIRTS.

WHERE'S JAKE?

- LOSE THE CLOTHES, BEER WENCH.

WE'RE GOING IN.

- I THINK I'LL PASS.

- I ONLY MISSED THE CONCERT

'CAUSE I HAD TO GO TO MY PARENTS' DIVORCE PARTY.

BOO.

BUT GET ANOTHER DRINK IN ME

AND I CAN MAKE MUSIC IN YOUR PANTS.

- HELLO?

IT WAS A CAREER LOW.

I HAD RESORTED TO THE FAKE PHONE CALL.

OH, I'M JUST CHILLIN' AT THIS KICKBACK.

I WAS PUTTING UP WITH A BUNCH OF ASS-ICLES

JUST TO HANG WITH MATTY, WHO HAD BARELY ACKNOWLEDGED ME.

I GUESS THE ALL-ENCOMPASSING "WE"

I WAS HOPING FOR WASN'T THE "WE" THAT HE WANTED.

- OH, NO, KARAOKE SOUNDS AWESOME.

- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

- WHOA. UNH.

- [laughs] - JEEZ, LISS.

- IT'S BEEN THREE MONTHS. - MM-HMM.

- AND I WANT TO REWARD YOU

FOR BEING SO PATIENT.

- OH. I DON'T NEED A REWARD.

WHOA.

- I CAN'T GIVE YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT...

- UH-HUH.

- BUT I CAN GIVE YOU...

MY BE-HYMEN!

JAKE, CAN YOU-- CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS?

JAKE? JAKE?

[knock at door]

- JUST A SECOND.

- JENNA, ARE YOU PLAYING VIDEO GAMES?

- OKAY, LOOK, THIS CLEARLY WASN'T A REAL INVITE.

YOU HAVE ENOUGH PICTURES,

SO CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO?

- TWO SKANKS ARE ALL OVER MATTY,

BUT HE HIT THE IGNORE BUTTON.

PROBABLY BECAUSE HE'S WAITING FOR SOME HAMILTON SOUP.

- REALLY?

[dramatic music]

TAMARA WAS RIGHT.

MATTY WASN'T RESPONSIVE.

EVEN THOUGH SLUTS-HER-FACE WAS PRACTICALLY DRY-HUMPING HIM.

- OW.

- I DID WANT TO GO IN.

AND WHAT DID I HAVE TO LOSE?

I HAD SOME VICTORIA'S SECRETS OF MY OWN.

- * I CAN FEEL THE SKY CRACKING IN MY HEART *

- I DIDN'T KNOW IF HE WAS GOING OUT OF HIS WAY

TO ANSWER MY QUESTION,

BUT HE COULDN'T HAVE MADE IT ANY CLEARER.

MATTY AND I WEREN'T A "WE" AT ALL.

THERE WAS ONLY ME, AND...

ME WAS DEVASTATED.

- WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, FREAK?

- NOTHING.

- LOOKS LIKE MATTY INVITED A LOT OF PEOPLE.

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR A SOB FEST,

SO WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND PRACTICE THE BLOOD VIOLIN?

- YEAH. I'M SORRY.

- OH, YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS INSIDE?

- NO. JUST BACK OFF, PLEASE?

- OKAY, I WANT TO GO, "T."

- BUT I NEED HER TO HOLD UP MY EXTENSIONS.

- ISN'T THIS AWESOME? OH!

IN A LITTLE WHILE, OKAY?

- IT'S A LITTLE SERENDIP...ITOUS THAT I'M GONNA VOMIT,

BECAUSE NOW I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY

ABOUT EATING ALL THOSE NACHOS.

- UH, HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

CUP UP, KARLI.

ROMAN SHOWER, COMING THROUGH.

- SPRINKLES, COME HERE, B--

- HEY, MOM.

- IT'S ONLY 9:15.

OH, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU WANT ME TO PICK YOU UP ALREADY.

- UM, NO, I WAS ACTUALLY, UM,

CALLING BECAUSE THE PARTY'S SO AWESOME, WE MIGHT BE A WHILE.

- HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?

- UH, I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- LEAVING.

HEY, YOU NEED A RIDE?

- PLEASE.

- ANYONE WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ME?

ANYONE? RUNNING SOLO HERE.

- [laughs]

SO LISSA REFUSES TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU,

BUT SHE'LL DO THAT? - YEP.

AND, UM, GET READY TO PISS YOUR PANTS,

BECAUSE SHE CALLED IT HER BE-HYMEN.

- OH, MY GOD. THAT'S GENIUS.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST TOLD YOU THAT.

- I CAN'T EITHER, BUT I'M GLAD YOU DID.

- REALLY? WHY?

- IT MEANS YOU TRUST ME.

- YOU'RE EASY TO TALK TO.

- I WAS JUST THINKING THE SAME THING.

- SO WHY DID YOU BAIL ON THE PARTY?

- 'CAUSE, UM...

IT SUCKED.

- YEAH, AGREED.

OH, I FORGOT TO MENTION THE PART OF THE STORY

WHERE I COMPLETELY BOLTED.

I MEAN, DOES THAT MAKE ME AN ASS?

- JUST ASS-OPHOBIC.

[cell phone beeps]

- LOOK, I MEAN, I WANT TO DO IT.

YOU KNOW, I'M A GUY.

JUST UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES.

LIKE MAYBE AFTER WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER LONGER, AND...

DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?

- I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE MEANT.

NOT THAT I WANTED TO TAKE IT UP WITH KARDASHIAN.

BUT MAYBE MATTY AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE ANYTHING

UNTIL WE KNEW EACH OTHER BETTER.

- MAN. EVERYTHING ON THE RADIO'S REALLY DEPRESSING.

- I HAD BARELY SPENT ANY TIME WITH JAKE,

AND I ALREADY KNEW EXTREMELY INTIMATE STUFF ABOUT HIM.

WEIRD STUFF I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW.

- DO YOU HAVE TO BE HOME RIGHT AWAY?

- I HAVE A FEW HOURS TO KILL.

- OH, MY GOD. SOMEONE POOPED.

[all scream]

- WAIT.

DO YOU HEAR THOSE LYRICS? TURN IT UP.

- * DON'T COME KNOCKING ON MY BACK DOOR *

* SAYING DON'T COME KNOCKING ON MY BACK DOOR *

* SAYING ALL THOSE PRETTY WORDS *

* YOU SAID BEFORE *

MATTY AGAIN UNTIL WE D-T-R.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP.

- SO AM I GONNA SEE YOU AT THE BONFIRE TONIGHT?

- YOU PROMISED NOT TO HOOK UP AGAIN WITHOUT CLARITY.

- I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING. - YOU BETTER GET IT SOON,

BEFORE YOU'RE DUMPSTER HUMPING WITHOUT A SAFETY NET.

- ARE WE TOGETHER?

- NO, NO, NO, NO. I'M WEARING GRANNY PANTIES.

- OH, THAT IS SO HOT.