Original subtitles

Lily, Grandpa.

Grandpa, Lily.

Something terrible has happened. Come quick.

Hurry. Herman, what's wrong?

I know, they fired you at the parlor. You've been lying down on the job again.

No, the one time I did lie down, they mistook me for a customer.

I almost got carried away that time.

Then what is it? What is it?

It's after 4:00 and little Eddie's usually home by noon.

I know something terrible has happened to my little boy.

Call the police. Get the FBI.

Herman, will you knock it off? Don't lose your head.

He's probably with one of his little friends.

Hey, Charlie, you want to come in my house and play?

Are your parents home? Sure.

Forget it.

What's wrong with my parents being home?

You know how parents are. They're always mean to kids.

My parents aren't mean. Sure they are.

You're just too dumb to notice it.

Now, you take my parents.

They're the meanest parents in the whole world.

You know, Eddie, they're so mean to me...

that tonight at 7:00, I'm gonna run away for good.

Run away? Where?

Run away to a cave in the woods...

and live on nuts and herbs and trap wild animals.

I'm never coming back as long as I live.

Yeah, but why are you waiting till 7:00 to run away?

Well, heck, I don't want to miss supper.

Eddie, won't you come in now and help me set the table?

And then you have to tidy up your room. Yes, Mom.

You see, Eddie, your parents are, too, mean to you.

Why don't you run away from home with me tonight?

They haven't been that mean to me, yet.

You wait and see. They will be.

You shouldn't let them get away with it.

I suppose if they got real mean, I might run away.

Now you're talking, Eddie. See you. See you.

Well, Eddie, how did everything go at school today?

Pop, do you always have to pick on me?

Hey, Mom. Could I stay up an extra hour past my bedtime tonight?

Well, there's no school tomorrow. I guess you could.

You mean nobody's gonna yell at me and tell me no?

Of course not, Eddie. It's all right with us.

Eddie, why don't you have another piece of pie? It's your favorite.

You're gonna make me?

Of course we're not gonna make you. Marilyn just thought you'd enjoy some.

Hey, Grandpa...

when I was playing down in your laboratory...

I dropped ajar on the floor and broke it.

When did that happen?

It was last month. One night when I was doing my homework.

And when I dropped it, it spilled all over the floor.

Eddie, don't worry about it. It was a long time ago.

And anyway, what's the use of crying over spilled blood?

Boy, some family this is.

Nobody even cares enough to be mean to me like other parents.

I'm gonna go lock myself in my room till people start being nice to me.

Heavens to Betsy!

Whatever has gotten into our sweet little Eddie?

It's nothing, dear.

It's probably just another one of those adolescent cycles.

I believe a child psychiatrist would refer to it as "the punk phase."

♪ They cut down the old pine tree ♪

♪ and they hauled it off to the mill ♪

♪ To make a coffin of pine For that sweetheart of mine ♪

(all) ♪ So they cut down the old pine tree ♪

♪ But she's not alone in her grave tonight ♪

♪ For it's there my heart will always be ♪

♪ Always be ♪

♪ Though we drifted apart ♪ ♪ Still they cut down my heart ♪

♪ When they cut down ♪

♪ the old pine tree N'

Isn't it wonderful for the family to get together like this...

and sing these old fun songs?

Lily. Yes, Marilyn?

I was just talking to Eddie through the bedroom door.

And he said something about running away and never coming back.

Oh, my poor little Eddie.

Herman, go right upstairs and stop him.

Lily, dear.

You must realize that Eddie's threat is merely a subtle bid for attention.

And to give in to it would only lead to his achieving...

a psychological advantage over his parents.

Herman, what do you know about kids?

You, who spent your childhood in three different jars.

[door slamming]

[footsteps approaching] Uh-oh.

Here he comes.

Lock the doors. Don't let him out.

Now, everyone just calm down.

If you'll let me talk to him, and you'll go in the kitchen...

I'll handle this as father to son. But, Herman--

Lily, dear, I know what's best for my little boy.

And after you come back in here, I guarantee you...

I will have the whole thing solved.

[clearing throat]

Excuse me, but are we going someplace?

No, we aren't going anyplace.

But I'm running away from home.

I see. That's very interesting.

[clearing throat]

I suppose you've thought it over...

and have a very good reason for leaving your comfortable home...

and the people who love you? Yes, I have.

I see. And what is that reason?

It's rotten here.

Seems to be a rather conclusive reason.

May I ask what you have in the pillowcase?

Just the stuff I'll need to last me for the next 20 years.

Twenty years?

I hope you had enough forethought to include a razor.

No, 'cause I'm gonna grow a beard and let rats build their nests in it.

'Cause nobody cares how I look. I see.

Do you have any idea where you're going?

No, I just might go to a deserted island and get eaten up by cannibals.

If I can find any cannibals that are that hungry.

Son, you wouldn't like to...

just sit down here for a second...

and talk this over with your old dad, would you?

No, thank you.

Well, in that case, then I guess there's nothing left to do except...

say goodbye and it's...

[patting]

Been nice knowing you.

Yes, sir.

[creaking]

I really am going, Pop.

I really am.

Good luck, Son. And don't forget to write.

You have our ZIP code number.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Yes? Would you say goodbye to Mom for me?

I certainly will.

And Grandpa.

And Marilyn... (Herman) Yes.

...and Spotty...

and the raven and the kitty...

and my pet snake, Elmer, who lives under the garbage pail...

and who's gonna miss me.

I will. I'll take care of all of that.

Goodbye again. Goodbye again again.

[footsteps fading]

Lily, Marilyn, Grandpa.

Herman, what happened?

Did you talk to Eddie? What did he say?

Now, everyone calm down.

I am happy to announce that...

as head of the household...

I have solved this little problem...

in an intelligent and satisfactory fashion.

That's wonderful. Where is Eddie?

He just ran away from home. He what?

You let him?

I did what I thought was best.

But you were supposed to reason with him and talk him out of it.

Lily, dear, I just used a little psychology.

And believe me...

he'll merely walk once, maybe twice, around the block...

and then come knocking on our door, begging for forgiveness.

What do you think, Grandpa? What do I think?

I'll tell you what I think.

I think there are more nuts in this family than there are bolts.

That's what I think.

Charlie, it's me, Eddie.

[door opening]

Charlie.

[crickets chirping]

That you, Eddie? Yeah.

I left home and I'm ready to run away with you to the cave in the woods.

I'll be right down, Eddie.

[sawing]

9:00. Now, where's the kid?

[squawking]

Herman, that bird is right.

Eddie has been gone for over an hour, and there's no sign of him.

Just when is he going to come knocking on our door, begging forgiveness?

(raven) Nevermore.

Aunt Lily, Uncle Herman.

Look at this note I found in Eddie's room.

"Dear Mean Family...

"I have run away to live in a cave in the woods for the rest of my life.

"And from there I'm going to a desert island...

"so in the newsreel if you should ever see a cannibal with a fat stomach...

"it may be your ex-son, Eddie Munster."

Oh. my poor baby.

"P.S. I took five pair of extra socks...

"because I don't want to die with dirty feet."

Oh, boy, my son-in-law, the child psychologist.

Herman Munster, Eddie said something about going out in some woods...

now I want you to go right out and find him.

And take your warm jacket. And don't you come back without him.

Herman, you go right ahead. I'll try to locate my grandson on my crystal ball.

All right, I'll go.

But I just don't understand what went wrong with my child psychology.

It always worked on Leave It to Beaver.

(Leo) Mr. White, Olga is gone.

Somebody must have left her cage unlocked.

The greatest attraction we ever had.

What about the cub? She took her little baby with her.

Look, Mr. White, the last time this happened she headed for the nearest woods.

Why don't I take a couple of boys here and comb all the local woods?

It's a chance.

She may be holed up somewhere. But be careful.

Ever since Olga lost her mate, she can get real mean.

Five hundred pounds mean.

Charlie...

this afternoon you said you were gonna run away...

and live in a cave in Fosters Woods.

That was this afternoon. I'm not allowed to go out after dark.

Beside, I just ran away 'cause I thought you were gonna run away.

Why don't you just go home?

I can't. My parents would laugh at me.

Don't blame me 'cause you got rotten old parents.

I better go in now. My folks would get worried if they found me out of bed.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, you really gonna run away and live in a cave in Fosters Woods?

I don't know. I may go someplace and get sick first.

Eddie.

Eddie.

Olga.

Eddie.

Eddie.

Crazy echo in this woods.

I call out "Olga" and it comes back sounding like "Eddie."

[creaking]

Grandpa.

Did you pick up Eddie on your crystal ball?

No.

It's not working tonight. Too much interference.

All I kept getting was some kind of jungle movie, something about two bears.

Two bears? Yes, a big one and a little one.

It was a silly thing. The big one was dancing and then it went off...

and left the little one alone, asleep in a cave.

I figured a commercial was coming up, so I turned the thing off.

Eddie.

Eddie.

[chuckling] A cave. I just might stumble onto something here.

Eddie.

[grunting]

Darned old cave.

Last match.

[bear snoring]

Eddie?

Poor little fellow. He's sound asleep.

[Herman laughing]

Oh.

You brought along your wooly P.J.s. Good boy.

But we mustn't let you catch a cold.

Here we go.

There.

Now, you just go right on sleeping.

[chuckles]

You must be chilled to the bone. I never felt such a wet nose.

[grunting]

[gasping]

You'll be beddy-bye in no time.

[laughing]

Olga.

When we find her, I sure hope nothing's happened to make her mean.

Lily. Grandpa.

Marilyn. I'm home.

Eddie, we'll have you tucked in, in a minute.

What's all the shouting about?

I found him.

Lily, I found him. I found Eddie.

I told you I would.

[laughs]

There's a lot more up here than most people think.

I don't know what you've got up there...

but I would like to know what you have wrapped in your coat.

Why, it's Eddie.

You know, our son.

Uncle Herman, Eddie came home right after you left.

He's been in bed for hours.

[stuttering] Upstairs in bed?

Why, that's ridiculous.

Eddie, son...

wake up and tell them that you're not upstairs...

you're down here with your old dad. Eddie?

Eddie?

[sighing]

[whimpering]

Eddie, what have they done to you?

Herman, you big dummy, you brought home a baby bear.

You just go on and take him back where you found him.

Yes, dear.

Lily, can't we keep him? Golly, he's so cute.

Cootchie-coo.

Now, listen, Herman.

You take that bear back wherever it was you found him.

Lily, dear, you don't have to shout. You're scaring the poor little fellow.

Herman, he's a bear. How do you know he's scared?

Grandpa, I am holding him.

And believe me, he's scared.

Where do you suppose Uncle Herman found that bear cub?

Wait a minute. That's the little bear I saw in my crystal ball.

That's right, Grandpa.

You said there was another bear. A big bear.

What if Herman should come face to face with that other bear?

I'd say it was gonna be an interesting experience for both parties.

[snoring]

There you go.

Now, you be a nice little fellow and sleep tight.

And stay nice and warm in Uncle Herman's coat.

[chuckles]

Mighty-night.

[growling]

Hi, there. Nice evening, isn't it?

Wait a minute.

You're a bear.

Oh.

I get it.

That must be your cub in there and you think that I...

[stammering]

You're angry because you...

[clearing throat]

I do hope we can be adult about this.

Then you're not mad?

[laughs]

How about that. You want to be friends.

[Herman laughing]

[growling]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

[growling]

You're very kind. You know...

I'm very glad Iran into you this evening.

I have had one of the most upsetting evenings in my whole life.

Now...

I wouldn't tell this to everybody, but...

my wife doesn't understand me.

Father, I can't imagine what's happened to Herman.

He's been gone for over an hour.

Maybe he dropped in at the parlor to lay out a few things for tomorrow.

No, he wouldn't do that. I'm worried about him.

He might have gotten himself lost out there. What do you mean, Lily?

He's a grown man.

He knows his way around. He's resourceful.

He has a lot of intelligence...

Come on, Lily, let's go and look for the big boob.

[creaking]

Olga.

Olga.

Herman.

Wait a minute, Lily. There's someone over there in that clearing.

(Grandpa) No. It's just two people dancing.

Holy mackerel! It is Herman.

My, you dance divinely.

But for a change...

would you mind if I lead?

[laughs]

Thank you.

Who's that lady he's dancing with? That's no lady. That's a bear.

Say...

you wouldn't want to go out to a nightclub, would you?

[grunts]

[laughs]

IJ'[Herman humming]

Sorry, no cutting in.

Herman Munster.

Oh!

It's you, Lily.

Yes, it's me, you philanderer.

Allow me to present my wife.

Sweetheart, this is Olga.

You brazen little hussy, you.

[velpins]

That is no way to treat a mother.

And let that be a lesson to you, you home wrecker.

[sobbing]

Father, now what do you think of your son-in-law?

I think he's been watching Peyton Place too much.

You must let me explain, dear. Herman...

get going. Lily.

Home, Herman. Lily.

(Lily) Get going, Herman.

Olga.

[Olga sobbing]

There's Olga. Up a tree.

Look at her. She's shaking like a leaf.

Come on down, Olga. It's just us.

[grunting]

After a night like this, I wind up with a neurotic bear.

Eddie, would you like another owl omelet?

No, thanks, Mom. I'm still kind of tired from last night.

And no wonder. Running away from home and upsetting your parents the way you did.

I hope you've learned a lesson from this, Eddie.

Not to listen to friends who give you bad advice.

Charlie Pike talked me into it...

and then when Dad opened the door and said goodbye...

I had to run away.

Eddie, sometimes parents, in trying to help their children...

don't always do the right thing.

Parents aren't perfect. Yes.

Like a certain big knot-head who thinks he's the waltz king.

I will thank you not to bring that subject up in front of my...

S-O-N. (Lily) Yes, Grandpa...

we're going to let bygones be bygones and resume our life...

as an ordinary, everyday, normal, American family.

[Spot growling]

Eddie, I think Spot's hungry.

You may give him something from the table.

Okay, Mom.

Here, Spot.

[Spot growling]