Original subtitles

- Something's broken here. - I'm not saying that it's not.

We don't see things the same way anymore.

Our roles in this whole thing.

- I can't trust you. - We're family.

You say that like it's some sort of cure-all,

like it can change the fact

that everything that has ever gone wrong between us

has been because we're family.

CROWD: Fifteen, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10,

nine, eight, seven, six...

No chipmunking allowed. Swallow or you're disqualified.

CROWD: ...two, one!

(BUZZER SOUNDS) (WHISTLE mus)

(CHEERING)

Looks like we got a wiener!

(CHEERING)

He cheated.

Hey, back off, Skeletor, I won fair and square.

Like hell, you did, Jabba.

I saw you slip a hot dog in your pocket.

Well, I hate to break it to you, pal, but that's no hot dog.

(CROWD GROANS)

(JEERS)

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

(LAUGHING)

Mm!

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(SQUEAKING)

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

(CHOKES)

(GROANING)

(SUCKING SOUND)

(GASPING)

(DEFLATING)

- Hey. - DEAN: Hey.

- You go to bed last night? - What? No.

Rudy was on. And then, Unforgiven.

And then I was just too jacked to sleep so, research.

SAM: Gadreel?

Yeah, and Metatron, and the Mark of Cain and Crickets.

- I did find us a case, though. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah, there's a strange death in Stillwater, Minnesota.

Competitive eater died after a hot dog eating contest.

- SAM: So, what? Death by tube-steak? - If only.

DEAN: He got attacked in his car. But get this:

He shrunk from 300 pounds to 90 pounds.

- Witchcraft? - Or a heavy-duty laxative. You game?

- Yeah. - DEAN: Good.

It looks like it's a whore's bath for me. I'll be ready in five.

- You sure you're okay, Dean? - Why wouldn't I be?

Because, I don't know, you...

This isn't about what I said the other day, is it?

Oh, about that we're not supposed to be brothers?

Don't flatter yourself. I don't break that easy.

Well, good, because I was just being honest.

Oh, yeah, no, I got that loud and clear.

Thanks for your patience, Agents. Coroner's report finally came in.

All right, thank you. All right, let's see.

Did Wayne McNut really weigh 300 pounds

just moments before time of death?

Three hundred and sixteen to be exact.

- And the official cause of death? - Cardiac arrest.

But between you and me, that's just a guess.

The vic suffered massive organ damage.

Here you go, Jenny.

Ruptured spleen, pierced liver, collapsed lung.

Looked like everything was just sucked right out of him.

Like he'd been Hoovered?

Yeah, you know I got to be honest, fellas,

we're stumped.

This type of thing just doesn't happen in Stillwater.

Now, did Wayne have any enemies?

More like an unfriendly rivalry. A guy named "Slim Jim" Morgan.

Like Wayne, he was pretty well-known in the competitive eating circuit.

Competitive eating circuit, is that a big thing out here?

Oh, yeah. You betcha. Folks take it real seriously.

Train for months, eat all sorts of wackadoo stuff.

You know, like, baked beans, buff wings, butter.

- Butter? - Yeah. Sometimes, deep-fried.

This year, alone, Wayne won the Butter Bowl,

the Wing Ding and Shrimptasia.

Anyhoo, point being-

Wayne McNut was the only one Slim Jim couldn't beat

in the whole Great Lakes Region.

- So, is he a suspect? - We checked him out,

but Slim Jim was in the Hot Doggery at the time of Wayne's death.

And we got 15 witnesses to prove it.

- Really? - Yeah.

SLIM JIM: Training.

When I gear up for a competition, I eat lettuce. Stretches the stomach.

Yet another reason to stay away from salads.

How well did you know Wayne McNut?

Oh, well enough to know he was a weasel and a cheat.

I hate to say it, but karma's a bitch.

This is interesting.

- SLIM JIM: Maia's good luck charms. - And Mala is...

My old lady.

- Is your old lady superstitious? - Yeah, she's Romanichal.

- "Romanichal"? - Gypsy.

But don't call her that. She says it's reductive.

But I think it's a compliment.

I mean, Gypsies are all the rage on TV.

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding Gypsy Sisters,

Keeping up with the Kardashians.

- You mind if I use your bathroom? - Yeah, go ahead.

But use the one upstairs at the back. Maia's taking a shower in ours.

Right.

Did you really lose the Wiener Winner by one dog?

Yeah.

(WATER RUNNING)

(FAUCET SQUEAKS, WATER STOPS)

Now, what are we talking? Six inches foot-longs?

Look, Agent, am I a suspect here or what?

Because unless you got a warrant...

- You ready to go? - Yeah.

Mr. Morgan, thank you for your time.

If you remember anything else, this is our number

and where we're staying locally.

All right, so, we got what appears to be Wayne McNut's hair

and a bag full of weird.

In Romanichal culture, the pouch is called a "putsi bag."

- It's used for hexes. - Okay, so, what?

Maia's putting hexes on hubby's competition?

What, we got a Thinner sitch here?

Slim Jim might not even know.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Hi. - I believe you have something of mine.

Kill Wayne? I loved him.

- SAM: So, you were... - MALA: Yes, okay?

We were having an affair. For years, actually.

I don't mean to be rude,

but how is it that Wayne McNut is your type?

I mean, you're married to a man who's barely a buck, wet.

What can I say?

Sometimes, it's nice to feel a little give.

Oh.

Yeah, I get that. Yeah, little extra cushion for the...

Help me understand something.

If you loved Wayne, why did you put a curse on him?

It wasn't a curse.

Putsi bags are also used for blessings.

I wanted Wayne to win.

Plan was, take the prize money, get a quickie divorce

and then tie the knot in Orlando.

Wayne used to call me his "Princess Jasmine."

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES)

(ALARM BEEPING)

(BEEPING STOPS)

(MUSIC CONTINUING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(SIGHS)

(BEEPING)

I gained weight?

WOMAN: How is that even possible?

(CLATTERING)

Hello? Anyone there?

(SIGHS) Let's try this again.

(BEEPING)

(GRUNTS)

(SUCTIONING SOUND)

(GROANS, WHIMPERS)

(BEEPING) (WHIMPERING)

(INHALING)

(DEFLATING)

(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)

Any idea what the vic weighed beforehand?

- One sixty-five. - So, 180.

Known fact: all women lie about their weight and age.

Well, you told that waitress the other day you were 29.

Mm-hmm.

Need anything else, Agents?

Yeah, is Sheriff Hanscum around?

Sorry, she's out for the rest of the week.

Hell of a time to take a vacation, right?

Okay. So we have two victims with seemingly nothing in common except...

A love for éclairs. Check this out.

DEAN: What is that, a birthmark?

So, the weight had to come off somehow, right?

- What if it's a suction mark? - Suction mark?

Okay. Uh, Changeling?

Yeah, but changelings only take over kids.

Neither of these vics had any.

And we don't know if Wayne McNut had a suction mark.

- Unless we missed it. - Yeah.

Well, we should split up. One of us should hit the morgue,

the other should stay here and question the staff.

- I'll stay. - Ain't gonna happen.

Why?

- Because you're weird around girls. - What does that mean, "weird"?

You're awkward, you're weird, Sam-weird.

Sorry, man, "I'm just being honest."

DEAN: So you were scheduled to close the gym, last night?

Yeah, but I didn't exactly lock up.

Carol was still working out, and... I had a date.

I didn't want to shortchange her, you know?

I mean, the girl's been working so hard to lose weight for her wedding.

I slipped her the key and I told her to lock up on her way out.

(SOBS)

Oh, it's all my fault.

(CRIES, BLOWS NOSE)

- Hey. - Find anything at the morgue?

Yeah. So Wayne was banged up pretty bad.

But on the back of his neck, just below his hairline,

suction mark, identical to Carol's.

Okay, so, they both had marks just like the hot trainer at Rollz.

She was skinny... and alive.

And just recently lost a ton of weight.

When I asked her about the mark, she clammed up, got all embarrassed.

So I did some checking, and it turns out

she took a couple of "me days" last month

and went here.

- Canyon Valley? - Hmm. Yeah.

(NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING)

When you look in the mirror,

do you recognize the fat person staring back at you?

Have you tried every fad diet, every fitness trend out there,

but nothing seems to work?

Here at Canyon Valley,

we guarantee weight loss with no surgery.

No extreme dieting.

And no intensive workout regimen.

Guaranteed results in one week. You can reach your weight-loss goals.

We did.

But only if you reach for the phone and call Canyon Valley, now.

- How far away is that place? - Couple of hours.

SAM: We were really, really moved by the online testimonials.

Oh, yeah, that was some powerful stuff.

And you boys are both certified personal trainers?

- Yeah, personal training brothers. - Yeah.

Kind of like Hans and Franz, but less German.

And you're certified in...?

- Making people sweat. - Yeah?

Kicking ass and taking names. That's how we do.

Uh... (LAUGHS)

SAM: Uh... To clarify, what my brother's trying to say

is that we both have a passion for fitness and helping people.

Oh, us too. In fact, that's how we first met.

I was Maritza's first client back in Peru.

I was on a student visa.

Homesick, stressed, eating my troubles away.

- Oh, he was the size of a casa. - Oh, it's true.

I was one empanada away from a heart attack.

But then this... gorgeous godsend

made me the lean, mean, fighting machine I am today.

Hmm.

(EXHALING FORCEFULLY) Ho!

(LAUGHS)

But I digress.

The good news is, we are hiring.

The bad news is, there's only one trainer position available.

How do you feel about working in another department?

Huh?

(DISHES CLATTER)

- Nice shorts. - Nice hairnet.

Yeah, why do I got to be the lunch lady?

Since when have you ever complained about being around food?

Okay, this is not food.

MAN: Hey, new guy.

Quit flirting with the trainer and keep scooping, huh?

SAM: It's all right.

My, uh, Ashtanga yoga class starts in five minutes.

How the hell do you know anything about yoga?

You're not the only one who's ever dated someone bendy.

- Hey, you have any oatmeal? - Yeah, I wish.

No, but we have, uh, something that's tofu over there.

I... What is that? It's a pancake. It's tofu.

I feel like a baby asking this, but... will the treatment hurt?

Not at all. The only drawback of cupping is,

it leaves a suction mark. It can bruise a little.

- Cupping? - Yes, ancient Chinese secret.

All the celebrities do it. It draws out toxins, boosts metabolism.

You'll feel good.

Who knew?

(YAWNS)

Excuse me. It's just so relaxing in here.

It's the aromatherapy. The lavender really packs a punch.

Oh...

(SIGHING)

Jeez, that's warm.

(SNORING SOFTLY)

(HISSING SOUND)

(SUCTIONING SOUND)

Flojo. You got time to lean, you got time to clean, huh?

- I'm starving. What do we get to eat? - Same as the clients.

They expect us to eat this rabbit food?

It's not rabbit food. It's super-food.

Well, I'm not eating it.

At Canyon Valley, we're supposed to lead by example.

This is leading by example?

It's not for us, estúpido. It's for the clients.

They're allowed to have pudding on their spa day.

It's like a... a last hurrah before the real work starts.

Get to work. Hey, Frank. We need to order more asparagus.

FRANK: Okay.

Mmm.

What do you know? Think it's my spa day too.

(MEDITATIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, good job, guys. Go to, uh... downward dog.

- Hold for five minutes. - Five minutes?

It's usually 30 seconds.

Right, yeah, 30 seconds. That's what I meant.

Okay, just come around, make sure everybody's form is okay.

Make sure you're keeping your cores tight and you're...

Uh... Good job. Great.

Just straighten that back out.

Mmm.

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

(BODY THUDS)

(CLAPPING)

SAM: Well done, today. Good job.

Good work, guys. Good work.

Namaste.

Okay. Good work. See you all soon. Good job.

- How was class? - It was, uh... great. Yeah.

Agent Frehley. What are you doing here?

Agent Frehley?

(STAMMERING): I don't know. She must be pretty out of it, huh?

(PHONE RINGING) Oh. Excuse me. Sorry.

Got to get this. Yeah. Have a good one.

- DEAN: Sammy? - Dean, what's wrong with you?

- I need your help. - Where are you? Dean.

Sweet potatoes.

(MUMBLES)

(PHONE BEEPS) (LINE CLICKS OFF)

Dean?

Dean!

Dean?

- Dean! - DEAN (WEAKLY): Sammy?

Dean. Hey! Hey, Wake up!

(GROANS)

- What took you so long? - What the hell happened?

- I was drugged. - What?

The pudding... It was supposed to be for the clients,

but I couldn't resist.

- Salted caramel? - Yeah, man, best of both worlds.

Salty and sweet.

Right. Uh... All right, you stay here.

No, no, no, I'm gonna come with you.

Go ahead, man. I'll catch up.

Hey, did you make the pudding?

- It depends. - On what?

Whether you liked it or not.

- What's in it? - Relax, Jack LaLanne. It's low cal.

Nonfat milk, sea salt...

No, no, not the ingredients. The something extra.

Chill, man. Supplements, okay?

DEAN: What kind of supplements?

SAM: Here, hey.

To boost metabolism, per Larry and Maritza.

These aren't supplements. They're roofies.

What? How do you know what roofies look like?

How do you not know?

You think I want to end up in a hotel bathtub

with my kidney carved out, in Chechnya?

Did you find anything out in the yoga?

Yeah, yeah. Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Every single person in class had one of those freaky-ass suction marks.

What the hell is going on here?

HANSCUM: You know, I didn't mean to bail on you fellas,

but I've been waiting over six months to get into Canyon Valley.

And let me tell you, it was worth it.

I already lost ten pounds.

In... In one day?

No offense, Sheriff, because you look great,

but aren't you the least bit curious as to how you dropped ten in a day?

Well, to tell you the truth, Agent, I don't give a flying fudge.

My husband, Doug, left me last year...

because he said I loved cookie dough milkshakes

more than him.

Sorry to hear that.

Yeah. Doug's a dick. You deserve better.

Thanks. But... he was right.

That was a dark time for me.

Whoever said you eat your pain? Not me, I guzzled it.

(GIGGLES)

Anyhoo, I guess I just wanted to feel pretty again.

And Canyon Valley did that.

Only question is... What are you doing here?

(STAMMERING): We're, uh... We're undercover.

Yeah, sort of got that.

We think that there's a connection between Canyon Valley

- and the murders in town. - What kind of connection?

Suction marks.

You mean, like this?

Yeah. Where did that come from?

My spa treatment. Cupping.

- Cupping? - Yeah.

You know, I thought it would hurt, but honestly,

I snoozed through the whole thing.

By the time I woke up, I was down two dress sizes.

Before the cupping, did you eat any pudding?

Darn tooting. Licked the bowl clean.

Donna, do you remember who did this treatment?

Oh, yeah. You betcha.

Evelyn, you are looking great.

Just ten more pounds until your goal weight.

Do you mind if I borrow my wife for a second.

I'll be back.

- Looking good, ladies. - Thank you.

The new guys aren't personal trainers.

- What are you talking about? - I did a little digging.

I found this in their glove compartment.

- They're Feds? - Worse, they're hunters.

- Why are hunters here? - Maybe because of this.

Oh, my God.

- Do you think... - I do.

- What are we going to do? - Relax, I'll take care of it.

Just get rid of the evidence.

(GUN CLICKS)

Okay, I'm no health nut, but that... is just wrong.

All right, talk.

This isn't what you think. I'm not a killer.

- Well, then, what are you? - I'm a pishtaco.

- A fish taco? - A pishtaco.

It means, "Peruvian fat-sucker."

Never heard of it. So what?

You're like vamps with a sweet tooth for cellulite?

Vampires kill. We're just parasites.

- Oh, well, in that case. - Look, I would never hurt anybody.

Okay, this... this is why Larry and I started Canyon Valley.

We could help people lose weight and I could feed. It was a win-win.

Yeah, except for the two you Dysoned to death.

- That wasn't me. - Well, then, who was it?

- Alonso. - The dude from the cafeteria?

He's my brother.

I knew you were a lost cause. Unlike your sister, you're weak.

- Good to see you, too, Larry. - How could you do this to her?

- LARRY: To us. - Do what?

This?

- Oh, that. - Oh, yeah, that.

You know what "that" means? Huh?

Now, there are hunters here.

It's your fault, blanco. If you didn't starve me, maybe...

Listen, freak!

Your sister and I have spent years building this operation.

And if you think I'm gonna let your gluttony destroy it,

you got another thing coming.

I want you out. Now.

I'm not leaving Maritza.

Well, I got news for you, pal. She doesn't want you here, either.

Either you leave, or I'll make you.

(MAN SCREAMING) (CLATTERING)

(SNIFFLING)

I brought Alonso here from Peru to show him a better way.

A more civilized way.

One where we weren't monsters.

That the secret to coexisting with humans

was just eating enough to get by.

Let me guess. Alonso wasn't a big fan of portion control, was he?

No.

During a routine treatment, he almost killed a client.

MARITZA: He sucked out too much fat.

I demoted him to kitchen duty.

No human contact, just fat from the jar.

But he said,

the more I deprived him, the hungrier he got.

(SOBBING)

And now, three people are dead.

My husband.

Where's Alonso right now?

The basement?

That's where he spends most of his time now.

What about her?

Well, until we figure out what side she's on, she stays put.

I am on your side.

Okay, then, how do we kill him?

Hey.

(ALONSO SHOUTS)

You and Estupido have no chance. The fat makes us stronger.

Your sister did mention that when she ratted you out.

You're lying.

(RATTLING)

I guess, after you killed her husband...

you were too monstrous even for her.

(YELLING, GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(HISSING)

(GROANING, CHOKING)

(SAM GROANS)

(HISSING SOUND)

(PANTING)

MAN: We'll let you know if we need any other information.

- WOMAN: Okay. - Thanks for everything. Appreciate it.

- Hey. - What did you tell the sheriff?

The usual. Psycho killer on the loose.

They, uh... usually buy it.

I lost my whole family today.

I'm so sorry.

Can I steal you a sec?

Yeah, once this place clears out, got to make this a family affair.

Wait, Dean. We're not gonna kill Maritza.

- She's a monster. - Yeah, who saved our asses.

You said that you wanted to keep things strictly business.

Well, last I checked, we were in the business of killing monsters.

I wanted to keep things strictly business between us.

But I still have a heart.

What if I had crossed paths with a hunter

back when I was possessed by Gadreel?

I could've ended up dead too. Would I have deserved that?

Would I have deserved to die?

So, a one-way ticket to Peru?

- I'm hitting it. - Yeah. Hey.

- Yeah? - About what you said the other day.

I thought it didn't bother you.

You know, Sam, I saved your hide back there.

And I saved your hide at that church.

And the hospital.

I may not think things all the way through.

Okay, but what I do, I do because it's the right thing.

I'd do it again.

And that... is the problem.

You think you're my savior, my brother, the hero.

You swoop in and even when you mess up,

you think what you're doing is worth it

because you've convinced yourself you're doing more good than bad.

But you're not.

I mean, Kevin's dead. Crowley's in the wind.

We're no closer to beating this angel thing.

Please, tell me:

What is the upside of me being alive?

Are you kidding me?

You and me, fighting the good fight together.

Okay.

Just once, be honest with me.

You didn't save me for me. You did it for you.

What are you talking about?

I was ready to die, I was ready. I should have died.

But you, you didn't want to be alone.

And that's what all this boils down to.

You can't stand the thought of being alone.

- All right. - I'll give you this much:

You are certainly willing to do the sacrificing...

as long as you're not the one being hurt.

All right, you want to be honest?

If the situation were reversed and I was dying,

you'd do the same thing.

No, Dean, I wouldn't.

Same circumstances, I wouldn't.

I'm gonna get to bed.

(English - SDH)