Original subtitles

[intro music]

[Frank] Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!

Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given

by him upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon, and me included,

is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented.

To calm us all down and stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.

You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

[laughing] [cough]

Scatter!

Party!

Is this the gaff? I thought you said she'd moved.

She did.

-[car alarm beeping] -[indistinct yelling]

-[doorbell buzzes] -[Paddy] Fuck!

-[Paddy] Fuck! [yells] Fuck! -[Maureen laughs]

[Maureen] I think it's time now, Patrick.

-[girl screams] -[singing over TV]

[Maureen] My daughter, Patrick.

Rachel. Of course, she looked different towards the end,

once the heroin had got hold of her.

You gave it to me.

[Paddy grumbles] No.

-[car alarm beeping] -[gasps]

[Paddy] My Mammy would tell us terrifying tales of witches and ogres

who'd gobble up children.

I'd have nightmares and scream the place down.

Morning.

Just up?

-[Mimi] I didn't sleep too good. -[Mandy] Go find your toys.

[Paddy] Before you know it, you're a parent yourself.

The joys are beyond expectation, but the fear paralyses beyond words.

-[Mandy] Not saying hello? -[Micky grunts]

Turkish wrestling.

Big hairy blokes in leather shorts covering themselves in oil,

rolling around, trying to get their... hands down each other's pants.

[Paddy] So, you tell your babies those same terrifying fairy tales

that kept you awake to prepare them for just how hardcore this world can be.

Because monsters... do... exist.

Jesus Christ!

What are you doing? Jamie's downstairs.

-I just wanna talk. -Where's Mandy?

Going to her folks, tell them about the engagement party.

Tomorrow night. If you and Dad can make it.

I know it's short notice, so...

[Mimi sobbing]

We couldn't really move on from his... [sniffs] affair.

Affair?

[Micky] Who's taped over me Turkish wrestling?

[Shane] It's a game...

How many affairs have you heard of where a person kidnaps another

and turns him into a smackhead?

-[Micky] I'll kill ya! -[Shane cries out]

[Mandy] This wasn't some great romance, Mum.

[Paddy] Then comes the day when strangers don't scare them anymore,

and that's when your nightmares return.

[Joe] I don't wanna hurt her again.

She's a good person.

She's the kind of girl you love, and wanna spend the rest of your life with.

Whereas you, however...

are a dirty slag who shagged your best mate's fella.

Cos that's all you're good for, with your tight tops, and your short skirts.

-How far gone? -Fuck off and die!

You don't know whose it is, do ya?

Oh, now, you really belong to me.

[shouting] Jamie!

[Jamie] I never really thought I wanted to.

But do you now?

Want one, I mean?

You can't control these things.

If it comes, it comes. If it doesn't... well, that's fine, too.

I'll try.

[chuckles] It's not about trying.

It's about nature, and biology.

Come on, Debs, I gotta go to the post office.

Well, take her with ya.

The post office? Don't be daft! She hasn't had all her jabs yet.

-Has she? -[Katie whimpers]

-Liam, school. -Oh, Fiona--

Exactly.

[Maxine] See ya, Frank.

[groans] You can't leave me in charge of a baby!

Oh, get off!

Look.

Don't even waste your breath, Frank.

-Think she shat herself. -What are you doing?

You can't shirk your responsibility, Yvonne.

I only agreed to foster Liam and Stella so you could keep your family together.

Oi, get back here! I'm not a fucking nanny, Frank!

-I've got a shop to run. -Language, Yvonne.

[Debbie] Oh, I don't believe it!

He can't have had that job in the funeral parlour

for more than an hour.

[Maxine imitating narrator's voice] The male of the species

flatters the female with acts of ever more outlandish buffoonery

in a vain attempt to get his appendage gobbled by one,

or preferably two handbags.

[heavy rap music playing from car stereo]

But, wait.

A rival gamma male approaches,

boasting a larger appendage or a smaller plate in his head.

[car horn plays Godfather theme]

-[Debbie chuckles] -Morning.

Women! What's all that about?

Women have a different selection process, Carl.

You know, they want transport.

Money.

[woman moans]

You know, they want mobility. A change of scenery.

You know, they don't all wanna hang around the Chatsworth

-and go to The Jockey. -Where you two off?

-Jockey. -Yoga.

-[crisp bag rustles] -[crunching crisps]

[crisp bag rustles]

-[crisp bag rustles] -[crunching crisps]

-[bell rings] -[vacuum hums]

Fuck's sake, Lillian. Do you have to?

Lice.

-[punter] Hey-hey! -[wolf whistle]

-Two pints of lager, please. -[indistinct chattering]

What have I told you about first doors?

No punters until yoga's done.

Stress-free mammies equal stress-free bubbies.

You, you prick!

Crunching crisps all the way through.

Fucking gnaws me chakra right up!

Fucking Buddhists. Forever starting shit on the news.

Mark.

How was last night?

A hundred and twenty in tips.

-What, for one night's work? -Where's this?

Got any jobs going?

Spit Roast Bar and Grill behind Selfridges.

VIPs, valet parking.

Got footballers tipping him.

I've got him all to myself today. So, don't be offended if we slip out--

Ah, babe, I'm feeling a bit shagged, you know?

-Wouldn't mind rolling a fat one-- -Fucking students.

I'm back in at nine.

Anyway, what are you doing that's so important?

Well, getting the money back for this suit and buying myself a new motor.

Probably score more birds.

Are you even aware you're turning into some sort of Benny Hill character!

Go on! [laughs] That's me.

-When did you set your sights so low? -What, cos I like shagging?

Liking shagging ain't something I've got a problem with.

Finding reasons to maintain a friendship

with someone who acts more and more like a walking ball-bag increasingly is.

So, you get yourself a car and fuck off.

[Paddy] Mandy!

[both grunt]

Can I give you a lift?

Joe's picking us up in a minute. Just at the kerb's fine.

Moving in, then, eh?

Yeah. Heard you were working for him, too, now.

That right?

Businesswoman, is it?

[chuckles] Yeah, right.

Just renting out flats to DSS.

Didn't mean to seem weird before.

I think she's missing you pretty badly.

[sighs]

Where on earth did you find this?

[chuckles] Had it years.

Was your granny's.

-Kept her stuff in it. -[chuckles]

I like it.

Smells of her.

[sniffs]

How you doing?

Can't complain. Busy.

Got to get out, crack some heads.

There's a few debts I've neglected to take care of recently.

Coming tomorrow night?

Having an engagement party.

Your mum coming?

[Joe] All right, sweetie?

Nearly there. Just a couple more boxes.

All right, Paddy?

Flippin' heck! Gonna need a new gaff for all this stuff, eh?

Right.

Better get on with it.

See you tomorrow, then?

Tomorrow.

[Paddy] You and me have some unfinished business, Raymondo!

[groans] Paddy, Paddy! Eh...

Fuck!

-[dramatic music] -[Raymondo groans]

-You got any naloxone? -No, I got rid in case the Feds raided--

It's fuckin' legal, you stupid bastard!

[Raymondo] They can sue you for injecting someone

against their consent or...

[Paddy] You're a fucking idiot!

She's still breathing. Call an ambulance.

I've got no battery.

[Raymondo grunts]

[Paddy grunts]

[Micky] Balls! [grunts] Me balls!

-[grunts] Me balls! -[Paddy] Micky!

-[doc] Hey, what's her name? -I dunno, we found her in the street.

-[doc] Okay, and what's she had? Hmm-mmm. -Heroin.

Okay, naloxone, two milligrams.

[gasps, coughs]

[doc] Okay, just keep her talking, and get me IV access.

[nurse] You're okay. It's okay.

[doc] Give me IV access, keep her monitored,

and give her oxygen, okay?

[panting]

[breathing heavily]

Oh, fuck!

-[baby gurgling] -[indistinct chatter]

Er, Post Office police, coming through. 'Scuse me.

'Scuse me, Post Office bobby.

You'll be all right. Eh, just do as I say. All right.

[Jackie] Hiya, Frank. Can you lend us a smoke?

Jackie?

-Fuckin' hell, you pregnant again? -Next.

Yeah, getting engaged an' all when I turn 14.

Well, congratulations, kid, it's just what we need round here.

What's this? Where's the rest?

Fuck off! Child Benefit, 18 pounds 10, times two kids' worth. Check it again.

[baby cries]

Right, if you think I'm fuckin' about here all day,

filling in a new claims form, think a-fuckin'-gain!

Gallagher, Vernon Francis, Child Benefit. Restart.

Now!

Stop!

This is housing benefit.

Housing benefit.

If it's about a Child Benefit claim, you're in the wrong department.

'Scuse me, love. I want to report a violation of the Human Rights Act.

Hang on, mate--

I thought he... I thought he was Mick Hucknall.

I've got this phobia about him. You know, it's fuckin' worse than clowns.

It's not gingers per se, you know, I'm cool with that...

Well, some of my best mates... Well, not best mates,

but, you know, it's just that curly-haired, ginger ponce.

He just gives me the creeps! It's an involuntary medical condition.

Even the mention of his names gives me the willies.

[man grunts]

He just crept up on us!

I know it's not him. He looks so like him! It's just something gets me started.

[Carl] Have you got a car for sale?

Yeah. Well, what's the address, cos I'm coming down now?

Anchor Way?

Right, well, I'm on Anchor Way now. Where the fuck is CK Autos?

All right, Carlos?

[Carl] It's a bit fuckin' different to the photo, Ches.

-[Chesney] It's an old photo, that. -It's an old photo...

It's a different fuckin' reg and everything!

I sell loads of these. Low profile.

You'll never get a pull from the dibble in one of these.

It's a classic. The ladies love a classic.

[car horns honking]

[Carl] Bit to the left, bit to the left.

Yeah.

Bollocks!

Fuckin' score down the drain.

Buy low, sell high. Basic business, Carlos.

Bag's in the boot.

You scratch it, I sue. Comprende?

I don't need to tell you to keep your mouth shut about this, do I?

So, what was it? Bad smack?

Is there another kind?

[sighs] No.

I mean... if there's contaminated drugs out there,

-then people should know, right? -Yeah.

Too strong for her.

Second time she's been in this month.

I mean, I can see if they've got a bed for her tonight, but...

Well, what about her family? Her mum?

[door opens]

[coins clink]

[match strikes]

[suspenseful music]

Right, I'm not gonna get any more in.

I'll shift these back to the flat.

Hi, Karen.

-See you, babe! -See ya!

Fuck, I'm late.

-Gotta get over to Longsight. -Can't you just sack it off?

I need to talk to ya.

This is the first proper job I've ever had.

Starting to feel like a normal member of society.

Sorry I'm late, Sister. [panting]

[panting] Okay.

[bass-heavy music thumps over stereo]

Mate, you'll never guess what just happened.

What?

No, no, I can't tell ya.

Sweet fit.

What? I've been training and that.

Whose is that eco disaster outside?

Mine.

[Liam] Something like this?

Exactly like this.

The man's a Photoshop genius!

-What are you up to? -Can't tell ya.

Liam?

[shouting] So it has come to this,

that a decent, hard-working man of this once great nation

should be deprived of a parent's basic staple

the Child Benefit!

Well, if it comes to the choice of starving by the roadside or martyrdom.

Give me immortality!

Change... we... need!

I need change.

I need change!

I need change!

Hey! Get out!

I need change!

I... need... change!

See? What did I tell ya? It's a recognised medical condition.

What's this about Child Benefits?

One of the few benefits of having 'em, and now they've stopped it.

Well, what do you expect?

Liam and Stella are officially wards of court, in foster care.

What, so Lickle Liam s'posed to get a job in a call centre

-to pay for his Turkey Twizzlers, is he? -No.

His foster parents are expected to pay for them.

Out of their allowance.

Foster... care... allowance.

[Lillian] Have you got any more tinned pate, Stan?

-No, I don't think we sell it. -[Frank] £221.68 a week for Stella...

It's like tripe and rabbit in jelly pate. You know, for going on toast?

...for Liam. Where's my fuckin' end?

-Did it have a cat picture on the tin? -That's it.

You wouldn't even have any kids to foster if it wasn't for me.

Me fuckin' child benefit's been stopped!

-Was it called Pussy Munch? -[Lillian] That's it, that's the one.

Bottom shelf, centre, next to the dog biscuits, Lillian.

-That money is to pay for their upkeep. -That money's stopped me Child Benefit.

Tough... shit! I've had her all day anyway.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

The Government themselves have decided to retire me

from the parenting game.

She's your legal responsibility now, Yvonne.

You can't go abandoning children, can ya?

Frowned upon in fostering circles, innit?

Right.

I'll give Debbie £40 a week. That'll cover the Child Benefit.

You have Stella nine while six daytimes, I'll give you £2 an hour.

-Two pound fifty. -[Yvonne] £2.

-Two forty. 2.30. -£2.

I tell you what, how does 1.90 sound?

-Two twenty. -1.80.

All right. No, no, no.

-Two pound, fair do. -1.70

Oh, fuck's sake, deal, deal!

[baby niggles]

See, one man can make a difference.

[Lillian] You've got an e-mail, Yvonne.

"We would be most delighted

to put your two exciting new signings on tonight's guest list.

"Best wishes for the forthcoming season. Marco."

[tense music]

-[dramatic music] -[Maureen screams]

["Wearing My Rolex" by Wiley playing]

♪ That's when I start Promising the world to ♪

♪ A brand new girl I don't even know yet ♪

♪ Next thing she's wearing my Rolex! ♪

[Carl chuckles]

♪ Usually drink, usually... ♪

-How's this for low profile? -[camera clicks]

♪ Usually drink, usually dance Usually bubble ♪

♪ (What would we do)... ♪

Good evening, gentlemen.

♪ ...usually bubble ♪

♪ All I want to do is tell you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ That's when I start Promising the world to ♪

♪ A brand new girl I don't even know yet ♪

♪ Next thing she's wearing my Rolex ♪

♪ Too much champs, don't know where my phone is ♪

♪ Here's my number, she already knows it ♪

♪ This chapter's a lot, better close it ♪

♪ Just a look in her eye was no evil ♪

♪ Wiley's a party and she knows it (What would we do) ♪

♪ Usually drink, usually dance, Usually bubble ♪

♪ All I want to do Is tell you I love you ♪

♪ That's when I start Promising the world to ♪

♪ A brand new girl I don't even know yet... ♪

What the fuck are you doing here?

Same as any other self-respecting young, free, single millionaire footballer.

Here to claim a free bottle of champers.

So, what other celebrities you got in here tonight?

You're not a celeb.

But the guest list will beg to differ, Mark.

Except that fucking idiot's told 'em I'm Danish.

Watch out -there's girls in here hooked to the tabloids,

looking for dumb young footballers to fill full of coke, fuck senseless,

and expose to the papers.

Right, well, if any of 'em come asking, I'll be over here.

♪ This chapter's a lot, better close it ♪

♪ Just a look in her eye was so evil ♪

♪ Wiley's a party guy and she knows it ♪

♪ (What would we do) Usually drink, usually bubble... ♪

[Maureen] If you're waiting for me... to beg for my life...

I swear to you I won't.

[tense anticipatory music]

[whimpering]

[whimpers]

[tense anticipatory music continues]

-[sniffs] -[Paddy] I need...

I'm here to tell you I'm sorry.

[whispers] I'm so sorry.

[tense anticipatory music intensifies]

-[upbeat music playing] -[laughter]

Ladies and gentlemen, can I just have your attention for a moment?

We have a very special guest with us here tonight.

All away from the Ukraine, pop sensation Duma Paluma!

[cheering]

[with accent] There he is.

As I am sure you all know,

this is Danish international footballer, Carlos Larsson.

[cheering]

He is very surprised for me to be here,

as we have been together for four years tonight!

[cheering]

You know, when I first saw him,

he was playing in the final against Aberjaizan.

In the very last minutes, he took the ball from his own goalposts,

down the wing, shaking off defenders, and scored the winning goal!

[cheering]

The crowd picked you up, and carried you on their shoulders,

chanting, "Carlos! Carlos!"

And then, you started to cry...

[laughter]

like a little girl.

And then... you pissed your pants.

[uproarious laughter]

And you were standing in front of all of those people,

sobbing like a little girl, with pissed pants.

I said then, "That is passionate man.

One day, I would dance with that man."

[emotive music]

-Happy birthday to you! -[cheering]

♪ Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, Carlos Larsson Happy birthday to you! ♪

-[cheering] -["I Can Be" by Taio Cruz playing]

♪ It's time to be ♪

♪ Bigger, bigger, stronger stronger ♪

Nazdorovje!

♪ Harder It's time to be ♪

Fuck me! Why are you doing this?

Er, famous footballer, Carlos Larsson!

Happy birthday, Manchester football boy! [chuckles] [kiss]

Ladies and gentlemen, can I get you any more drinks?

-[with accent] Vodka! -[male voice] Vodka]

♪ Has had its many tolls ♪

Where are you from in Denmark?

[in Danish accent] Uh, it's a little town, uh, just outside of, uh, Stockholm.

-You probably won't know it. -I thought Stockholm was in Sweden.

Well, yes, it is, um, a few miles from Sweden.

-Near IKEA? -[Carl] Yes.

-And, uh, you're from Ukraine? -Oh, you know it?

-No. -Then why the fuck you asking?

♪ Bigger, bigger, stronger stronger ♪

-[muffled music] -[indistinct chatter]

[zipper]

[sighs happily]

["You Got Me Burning Up!" by Cevin Fisher playing]

-[chuckles] -[camera clicks]

[with accent] You don't have much of an accent.

[in Irish accent] Well, no, I've travelled around a lot, you know.

Those girls, they are friends of yours?

What, them? No, I've only just met 'em. Don't even know their names.

Good. They remind me of wampires.

Or, is it, is it vee or wee in English? Vampires!

[in normal voice] No, it's wampires. You're right.

["You Got Me Burning Up!" continues]

[camera clicks]

-[laughs] I... They're both mental. -[Maureen chuckles]

As for Mandy, well, she's got herself a decent job,

renting properties with her... new fiancé.

They've got an engagement party tomorrow night at The Jockey.

-It's the pub that-- -[electric buzzing]

Jamie, my eldest, runs.

Nice.

[Maureen sighs]

I've thought about you a lot.

They call that Stockholm syndrome.

And about Rachel.

[Maureen] She was a good girl.

Beautiful.

She didn't hang out with the wrong sort.

Ballet lessons, gymnastics, horse riding. Better schools.

Extra tutoring. And never a minute spare.

Was all thrown away...

to die on the floor of a squat.

A squat!

Kids.

Give them the opportunities you never had.

[sighing] Everything I never had.

Not like me. I was pregnant and on my own at 19.

-Yeah? -Mmm-hmm.

Where is Mr Maureen?

Oh. [scoffs] He's long gone.

Yeah. [sighs]

You try keeping a man in your life with all that going on.

They don't stay long, none of them.

We didn't really see eye to eye

when it came to keeping drug dealers tied up in the spare bedroom.

[chuckles]

[both laughing]

Oh, sorry. [chuckles]

[panting]

He wasn't, um...

he wasn't Rachel's dad or anything.

Didn't really know her.

Sooner or later...

everybody runs away from me.

Did Rachel run away?

[Maureen] Yeah.

Why do you think she did that?

I don't know. [laughs sadly]

Must've hurt.

You pick up the pieces.

You ever see her again?

Um... Um, there was this, the one time she came,

she came and called at the house. Yeah.

But...

You didn't see her?

Eh, no, not quite. I did, um, yeah, I opened the door,

but, uh...

[emotive music]

Did you shut that door on her, Maureen?

-What? -Did she come to you for help?

She needed to learn that there were boundaries,

and she couldn't just come swanning back into my life with all that chaos.

I'd moved on!

I needed to show her I was serious!

[sobbing] I didn't think that she'd...

All this time, you've been looking for someone to blame.

If I knew who was responsible for the death of my child,

I'd personally deliver them to the gates of hell.

[tense anticipatory music]

-[dance music playing] -Tune!

[Frank laughs drunkenly] Fucking bloke from the tabloid...

[chuckles] says, "Cheers for the fuckin' video, mate,

but... there doesn't appear to be

any players from United called Chesney!"

[laughter]

"But... feel free to send any other videos you may have

of you sucking off... you know what is!"

[laughter]

D'you fancy going upstairs, then?

What's up with you?

You.

But, why are you being all moody now we got home?

I thought we had a buzz.

It was a laugh being different people.

But now you default to being the same reject from a Carry On film.

[Debbie] D'you want to hear a theory?

Carl not as thick as he looks.

Hmm! Hmm.

It's a wild theory.

And if it's true, the universe might just implode.

[Debbie] What if it's all a ploy to make you jealous?

How?

Look, I might have been interested once, but now--

[Debbie] Cos it did provoke a pretty extreme reaction.

He might not have anticipated you turning up at the club.

But since you did, all your cards are laid on the table.

Any attempt at bluffing's meaningless.

-Get the fuck out of here! -[Ian] Come on, Metal Micky.

[cheering]

-[baby cries] -[Frank] The wonder of nature, Bunty.

A joy to be around. A gift.

Yeah.

It's a shame you never had any of your own.

You can't put a price on spending time with your kids.

But if you had to, how does 50 pence an hour sound?

The RSPCA might not be prepared to give you a second chance, Bunty,

-but I will. -Deal.

-Great. -[baby cries]

See you later.

[sighs heavily]

If I can give him a second chance, you should be able too, all right?

[Karen] You can't go through with this. You've gotta call the engagement off.

I'm trying to tell you something, and I don't know how to tell you it.

Would this be the same thing you've been saying since I met him?

[Karen] No!

Although, I do think he's a cunt.

And I wish you'd never laid eyes on him.

Have you any idea what it's like trying to move on,

knowing that not even everyone you know, but everyone you care about,

thinks you're a knob

because of something they know fuck-all about?

Any fucking idea how insulting to my intelligence that is?

He fucked me!

I'm pregnant.

Karen...

you need help.

I think you might need to see someone.

You're retreating into your own little fantasy world

to compensate for your problems.

Problems?

Losing the baby.

And I know you're not happy.

Joe's told me about what happened...

when you... You coming on to him at the football.

[sighs]

I'm not angry.

He's not angry.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Karen, it's not an admission of defeat to take some help.

D'you know what?

Just get the fuck away from me!

I was trying to help you. Just do one!

[knock at door]

Sorry. Mandy, phone for you.

[dramatic music]

You're not gonna believe this.

A woman's just called to say she's found a wallet with 300 quid in it,

no ID, just a raffle ticket for a raffle at The Jockey pub, Chatsworth.

Says would you be able to return it to the rightful owner,

or should she take it to the police station.

-No. -[Mandy] Serious!

-That could be someone's wages. -[laughter]

-Wages? -Wages? That's a killer!

[Ian scoffs] Okay. Attention, everyone!

It's probably not worth asking,

but has anyone lost a wallet with 300 quid--

[all shouting indistinctly]

...three hundred quid and a raffle ticket.

There is no wallet. He's winding you up.

Seriously, no, I was... I was just sat there, thinking:

"I'll just get myself another pint."

Then I put my hand in my pocket,

and I thought: "That's funny, where's my wallet?"

-I'm just-- -As if you'd buy a raffle ticket.

[sighs heavily]

How dare you!

-[giggling] -Nice little engagement gift, that.

Just get back here with the dough, rapid.

Can't be dealing with this engagement do and the family on me own.

-Thanks, mate [kiss]. -Hey. See you later.

[tapping]

[slurred] And so, in the time-honoured tradition of the fairy tale, it begins,

"Once upon a time" and ends "Happily ever after."

But just like old Lenny Crabsticks sang in that song

sometimes it ain't over till it's over.

Hello. I'm Mandy Maguire.

We spoke on the phone earlier. About the wallet.

[Jamie] And the winning ticket is...

number 76!

-[indistinct chatter] -Yeah, baby!

[Frank chuckles]

Get on! Yeah! [cheering]

Hello, sweetheart. How are you? You all right?

Mimi.

That problem. I want you to know I've fixed it.

Maureen?

That psycho bitch was outside my house at five o'clock this morning.

Threatening to kill herself.

Screaming all over the estate, looking for you.

You haven't sorted anything. You've just made things worse.

Now you really will have to sort it.

Joe's car's outside. They're here.

[guests] Shh!

[all cheer]

Oh, shit, she's not with me. She won't be long.

[Maureen sighs]

I'm, um...

a friend of your father's.

Are you Maureen?

-The one that kidnapped him? -[Maureen chuckles]

I just think it's about time we put this whole thing to bed.

If you'll help me.

I'll just go and see if the kettle's boiled.

It's not fair that. I took that call. She could have told me about it.

Three hundred quid. No way would've told any of you fuckers!

-Why did she? -I dunno.

She specifically asked for Mandy Maguire.

[stammering] I should have just asked, "What's it regarding?"

[indistinct chatter]

[mobile phone keypad bleeps]

Hello?

Hello?

[quiet hissing]

-[phone rings] -[coughing]

Mandy, when you get this message, call your da as soon as possible, okay?

Get out the fucking way!

[both cough]

[both coughing, grunting]

Mandy! Mandy!

-[coughs] -[Paddy] Mandy! Are you in there?

Dad! Dad!

[grunts]

Dad!

[Micky] Mandy!

[both coughing, grunting]

No!

-[electric buzz] -[eerie music]

[glass breaking]

[glass breaking]

[Kelly] And Froggy said, "What an adventure,"

as he yawned a big yawn and snuggled up in his bed

to have lovely dreams.

He won't go into the woods by himself again, now, will he?

That's little Froggy there, isn't it? He's got his mirror...

[sniffs]

-and his backpack. -D'you know what that is?

That's a duck, in't it?

Can you turn the page?

[voice breaking] That's it, you've got it.

Mam and Dad are gonna take the rest of the ashes back to Ireland.

Scatter them in the Shannon.

That's nice, mate.

It's really thoughtful.

You know I'm here for you.

If you need anything...

[Jamie singing "The Last Rose of Summer"] ♪ This the last rose of summer ♪

♪ Left blooming alone ♪

♪ All her lovely companions ♪

♪ Are faded and gone ♪

♪ No flower of her kindred ♪

♪ No rosebud is nigh ♪

♪ To reflect back her blushes ♪

♪ Or to give sigh for sigh ♪

♪ I'll not leave thee, thou lone one! ♪

♪ To pine on the stem ♪

♪ Since the lovely are sleeping ♪

♪ Go, sleep now with them ♪

♪ Thus kindly I'll scatter ♪

♪ Thy leaves o'er the bed ♪

♪ Where thy mates of thy garden ♪

♪ Lie scentless and dead ♪

[tapping]

[upbeat music]

Yee-hah!

[upbeat music]

[laughing]

["I'm Shipping Up To Boston" by Dropkick Murphys]

[indistinct chatter, laughter]

♪ I'm a sailor peg and I've lost my leg ♪

♪ Climbing up the topsails I lost my leg ♪

Fuck off.

[song continues]

[Frank] November, 1989.

Don't fucking touch me.

[Frank] The Stone Roses played Ally Pally.

Half of Manchester followed them down on coaches put on from Piccadilly.

Me and Monica took the kids. They were all there...

Fuck off!

[Frank] in the right place at the right time,

buzzing our tits off to the single-most important band since the Beatles,

when, after standing here,

some wrong 'un down the front starts chanting:

"Manchester, la, la, la, Manchester, la, la, la..."

And Ian Brown just says to him, "It ain't where you're from, mate,

it's where you're at." Right?

[sighs] That band could have changed the world.

It was theirs for the taking. They had it all.

But just like Georgie Best, 20 years earlier:

"What could have been, never was", and it broke our hearts.

Manchester... The world's first industrial ghetto.

It ain't where you're from, it's where you're at.

[indistinct yelling]

[Frank] So, 20 years on, this is where we're at.

Bon Viveurs R Us.

People round here make the most of the time they've been given,

and they know that life is unfair and all too brief.

But, yeah, yeah, all right,

some of 'em might have had too many nipples and not enough teeth,

but when all's said and done, they're smart enough to understand

that one of the most vital necessities in life, and death, for that matter,

is they know how to throw a party!

Gallagher!

Scatter!

-Yeah? -My name is Miss Twill.

I'm a foster-care assessor. I have an appointment.

Yeah, they don't live here anymore, they're next door.

I have an interview with Mr Francis Gallagher.

He's registered his interest in becoming a foster parent.

[grunting]